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The adventure for the day had been an interesting one. A mirror maze where sometimes their reflections would jump out of the mirrors and chase them. They got lost for almost eight hours, Zooble started hating the parts they used on that day so much they threw it out, and Jax was shot four times in the chest because for some reason his evil mirror clone had a gun. Overall a fun time was had by all… if you're Caine that is, and that's the lie you tell yourself so you don't go crazy.
In truth, no one really liked the adventure, shocker. But strangest of all, out of everyone, it seemed like Pomni was the one to hate it the most. Now at first this sounded right, she herself admitted she wasn't the biggest fan of horror, or creepy monsters chasing after her. But for some reason this one seemed to have struck a nerve…
The jester's mirror double was abnormally large- although, 'round', would probably be a better descriptor. The double also seemed to be melting and its form would change at any minor point of pressure with the floor, ceiling, or others. Seemingly taking inspiration from the jester's pale, rubbery skin, which from afar seemed less like rubber, and more like marshmallow fluff. As such the creature looked more like a pile of marshmallows that were left to melt in the sun over the course of a long summer day.
When the creature hopped out of its mirror, everyone immediately took to running away. As thanks to Jax's double and his 2nd amendment rights, they've came to find out it was practically useless to try and fight their doubles. However for whatever reason, Pomni decided to stay put and just… stared, at the creature. She probably would have been mauled to death if Kinger hadn't turned back and taken her under his (metaphorical) arm like a piece of luggage.
Once the adventure was up and done, and many death glares were given at Caine when he asked what did they think of the adventure. Everyone set off to the their own thing like usual.
Ragatha asked Pomni if she wanted to do anything but, the jester just mumbled something about being tired and wanting to go to bed. Which while the doll thought was a tad strange, she didn't want to pry and make her day worse. So she just waved her goodbye as she stumbled to the dorm hall.
Pomni had relegated herself to her room. Standing in front of the tall mirror in the corner that was almost twice as big as her. This was something she had done a lot for a while when she first got in the Circus, still trying to accept the fact that the rubbery, bi-colored jester staring back at her was in, in fact, herself. Begrudgingly or not, at some point she did accept the fact. This is who she was now, not much point fighting and whining over something she had absolute zero control over, else she'd… y'know, and be sent to the cellar. The thought still filled her with dread, and she'd be lying if she said she didn't still have nightmares about either her or someone close to her Abstracting, not as much as she used to, but the thought still lingered at the back of her mind, just like everyone else, she reckoned.
But, back at the matter at hand. Her, and her… body. Her stupid, stupid body.
She pitched her stomach with just her index finger and thumb. A sizeable chunk already coming on, like she was made of gelatin. If she was she would be able to plop that right off and probably pop it into her mouth… or even just throw it away. Oh how she wished she could just grab chunkfuls of her body and just pull it all out, molding herself to whatever she or others wanted her to be. But at this point did it even matter? It's not like food in the place had any nutrients or calories, despite tasting pretty similar to the real deal. So if she couldn't gain more weight— least, she hoped she didn't— what were her chances of losing weight? She already came into the Circus looking like a beach ball, in more ways than one, so really it was just this awful technicolor hellscape playing a joke with her, and she was the punchline.
Why didn't she listen to her dad? She just wanted the best for her. 'Hey kiddo! Wanna try out baseball? Soccer? Swimming?' and every time she'd give the same excuse "No thanks. I'm not big on sports. Sorry…".
It was a good enough excuse, since sports, of almost any kind, were always awful to her, she didn't know why, specially since every kid seemed to either be faster, stronger, or even just have more breath than her. Hell it wasn't even a weight issue, she was fairly lean before she hit her teens, everyone in her immediate family was. Yet somehow she always lacked behind in any physical activity. Why?
…well… she did come to learn why.
Around her early twenties, she tried getting therapy for… reasons, and one of the diagnosis her therapist gave her was… 'Asperger's syndrome'. She didn't know what that was, she barely even know how to pronounce that word. 'As-pur-guess? Az-spur-gus?… Asparagus??'. When she finally got home she took to good ol' Google to answer her question. Getting the word wrong a couple of times before finally getting the right result, and looking deeper into it…
'Asperger syndrome (AS), also known as Asperger's syndrome or Asperger's. Falls in the umbrella term of Autism, also known as autism spectrum disorder (ASD)'
That… no no no, what? That couldn't be right. She wasn't autistic! She could talk, she could feed herself, her therapist was full of bull. She couldn't help but laugh at her discovery and call her parents so they could all laugh at the insane theory her therapist had… that wasn't exactly how the evening went though.
After a long, hard, but respectable conversation, she came to find almost her entire family, on both her mom and dad's side had a history of having autism. Her dad didn't have it, but her mom did, diagnosed only around her mid 30s however. Apparently most autistic folks could indeed talk, and feed themselves, and look completely undistinguishable from someone who didn't have autism. It was all in the little things. Like…
Being easily overwhelmed with bright lights or loud sounds… like she was.
Not much caring for physical touch coming from strangers… like she was.
And having small physical impairments, getting exhausted more easily, making physical activities difficult… ah. Welp, there was her answer for that.
Her parents showered her with words of affirmation, how that changed absolutely nothing, that everyone was a little bit autistic in their own ways, or that they even had a few sneaking suspicions. But all that didn't exactly matter to Pomni, it would be hard for her to get used to the idea, but hey, at least she had an explanation… that was all she could really ask for at this point, right?
Maybe back then, but when stuck in a place that was always bright, with a oblivious ringmaster that was always screaming in her ear, and putting her in horrific adventures that basically forced her to run like she never ran before. Well, maybe perhaps a cure for that wouldn't be so bad, now would it?
Cold.
She suddenly felt so cold.
Her breath hitched. She looked back at her reflection in the mirror. Remembering all this just made her hyper aware of every little thing that made her the disgusting pale blob she was.
Where to even start!? Weight was already covered! If you punched her in the gut she probably feel absolutely nothing, she had a built in airbag for it! A small price to pay for being wider than she is tall! Secondly, of course, good ol' autism! Can't pick up social queues, or sarcasm, hates light and noise! Basically the human equivalent of a nerve wrecked chihuahua! And it'd be an apt comparison too, because with her size, you might as well pick her up and carry her around in an overpriced bag! What else, what else? Well, there was the fact she was bi, but genuinely, who the fuck even cared? Oh, cool, you like both pussy and cock, big woop! She couldn't even fit the bisexual stereotype of being polyamorous or, god forbid, having a huge harem by her side, she'd was lucky ANYONE even tried to give her any chance at all, with everything going on with her it'd be like taking care of a 25 year old child, not having a partner! Not that they'd even want to stay with her for long, because sooner rather than later, they'd find out, they all find out, the big reveal! The big plot twist! Surprise motherfucker! You're actually dating a… a…
She couldn't even finish the thought, she was disgusted at it. Disgusted at herself. Who wouldn't be? She didn't even realize that she fell to her knees, sobbing quietly. The person in the mirror copying her exact micro-movements one to one, but that person wasn't her, it couldn't be, right? Whoever was in the mirror was this disgusting fat blob, crying her little heart out because she couldn't handle simple truths about herself. Because she was a pathetic little autistic idiot that rolled a nat 1 in every single trait the universe handed to her. Not fit. Not right in the head. NOT EVEN A REAL WO-
…warm.
She felt… warm. Out of nowhere.
Her vision was still a little blurry from all her tears, but through just the texture she could tell it was a blanket. A weighted blanked to be exact.
"P…ni…!" A voice called out to her, her eyes darted around for a second before realizing the voice was coming from right in front of her. The figure had both arms out stretched, but wasn't touching her, it was probably who put the weighted blanked around her. "Br…th…! P…ase…!" She couldn't quite make out what it was saying, her own mind still a bit clouded, and her eyes still too blurry to make out its lip movement. She just stared ahead, like she could see right through the figure and was looking at something very interesting that was just behind it.
The figure retracted its arms and looked around, before looking back at Pomni, a tinge more calm. It took one of its hand to point at the center of its face, where its nose would probably be, it then breathed in. Then after a second, it pointed to its jaw, and breathed out. It continued this cycle a few more times before Pomni finally understood: Instructions. She could follow those pretty well.
She breathed in through her nose— if she even had a nose that is, but now wasn't the time to think about that— she held the air for a second before breathing out through her mouth. She tried her best to match the figure's speed and rhythm. It was hard at first, but at every inhale and subsequent exhale, it got easier. Her mind stop racing, her hearing came back to normal, and despite the tears still rolling down her face, although in a much slower rate than before, she could now see much better. She could better see the walls around her, her door that appeared to have been swung over like the FBI just broke in, and most importantly…
The person who basically saved her. The person who saved her every single day by virtue of just being herself. Her light. Her anchor. Her angel…
Ragatha.
Who had now stopped pointing to her own face once she noticed the jester had calmed down even just a little bit. She gave her a patient smile, trying to hide her own panic from just a second ago…
"Hey cute stuff…" Ragatha said, her voice already enough to sooth whatever nerve that was bothering Pomni before.
Pomni chuckled. "Hey…"
"How are you feeling?" Ragatha asked, extending a hand to the jester, which the latter soon took, allowing the doll to help her get up and get her seated on her bed.
"Heh… like s[$#@!]… but thank you for checking on me though."
"Of course sweetheart, you know I'm always here for you…" Ragatha cooed, taking a strand of hair that had fallen over her girlfriend's face and moving it aside, behind a nonexistent ear. "What were you even doing?"
"Oh, y'know just…" 'Realizing how disgusting I am'. "Thinking." Pomni said with a shrug.
"Hm, yeah, I guess that makes sense… last I checked, you don't need to wear a shirt to think."
"Oh." Pomni looked down at herself, only now remembering that she had indeed taken off her sweater and shirt, only wearing a sports bra to cover her chest, to really get a good look herself and her… folds. She'd probably feel embarrassed but, it was Ragatha, she felt comfortable around her no matter the situation. plus she had seen her way more naked than this before BUT THAT WAS NEITHER HERE NOR THERE-
"Guess not, heheh…" Pomni laughed under her breath quite rubbing the back of her neck. Ragatha also chuckled in response.
"What were you even thinking about to get you like… this?"
Oh. This was a conversation Pomni did not want to have, she'd much rather take a note from… well, Ragatha's book, and just go 'Oh, just silly stuff! Don't worry about it!', and in all honesty, she was about to say exactly that. But then she looked at her girlfriend, really looked at her even since she invited herself to her room.
Her string-like red hair, which she knew from experience was softer than silk. Her button eye that, despite any saddening implications that might have, she couldn't help but find adorable. Her paper craft, stop motion lips, always red like he had just put on lipstick. Her caring gaze upon her that basically said 'I'm here. Everything's gonna be okay'. Pomni could keep at it for eons if she wanted, but really she could summarize in a single word…
Gorgeous.
Ragatha was gorgeous, simple as that. And was it weird to say she was the most beautiful thing she has ever seen? And that's including stuff in the real world. She was perfect in almost any way Pomni could think of, she would not at all be shocked if she came to find out out there she had a pile of paper slips with phone numbers from guy's who didn't realize she was a lesbian. Really, if she was even 5% more confident, she could walk up to literally anyone and ten minutes later, walk away with a dinner date set and done.
And yet… despite that…
She choose… her.
H e r.
Why? Why her? What did she see in her? Was it pity? Was it because she was her only other option, given everyone else in the Tent was either a man, or already taken in Gangle and Zooble's case? Did she just have bad taste? Was it a combination of the three!?
She had to know. Blame her inner urban explorer, but by God she had to get to find out.
She took a deep breath, exhaling slowly, before turning around to face the doll.
"Ragatha…" Pomni, voice barely even above a whisper. "What is it that you… see… in me?"
"Huh? What do you mean?"
"Don't pretend you don't know what I mean, just… c'mon… look at me!" Pomni said exasperated, gesturing to herself, the weighted blanked falling off her shoulders and landing on the bed. "I'm short. I'm completely pale. I'm a bug-eyed freak like a damn Powerpuff Girl. And that's just the recent things!" she didn't realize it, but she started laughing under her breath, an automatic response else she'd completely break. She also didn't realize how Ragatha kind smile and gaze turned into a look of pure shock and horror. "I'm fat as f[$#@!], which, hey! Kinda did it to myself! This is what almost three years of ordering take out gets ya!"
"Pomni…"
"I got f[$#@!]n'… Aspergos- or whatever- I'm autistic as s[$#@!]! If push came to shove I'd act more like your kid than your wife!" Pomni was so taken by emotion she didn't even catch the insinuation of that last she used.
"Pomni. Please."
"And best off! BEST F[%$@!]ING OFF!" She had once again begin to cry, but now moreso tears of anger, at not understanding how Ragatha could put up with her. "YOU BEING WITH ME SHOULDN'T EVEN BE… POSSIBLE! YOU'RE A LESBIAN FOR GOD'S SAKE! And me… ME!? HAH!" Laughs came out of her, not from any place of happiness or mirth, but in reality from true despair. "I'M NOT A REAL WOMA-"
…
She once again felt warm.
Calming down from her sudden bout of mania, she realized the doll had wrapped her arms around her, hugging her so tightly she'd probably break a few bones, assuming she had any.
"Take it back…" The doll said, speech muffled as she shoved her face in the crook of Pomni's neck.
"Wh… what?-"
"I SAID TAKE IT BACK! NOW!" Ragatha whipped her head back to basically yell right at the jester's face. Only now Pomni realized the stream of hot tears rolling her face, some even getting absorbed by her burlap skin while the rest just fell in her lap. Pomni flinched at the doll's sudden outburst, but in part she knew why she was like this. Of course. Of course she wanted to take it back. She finally realized who she was dating, and is finally having second thoughts about the type of person she was spending her time on. It was the only logical explanation.
"I-I'm sorry…" Was all Pomni could mutter out while the doll looked straight into her soul, holding her by the shoulders. "If… if you wanna leave, I-I understand-"
"Pomni. No." Ragatha said more clearly, but still fighting through her tears. "I-I'm sorry. I-I shouldn't have yelled. I'm not mad…" Ragatha stopped for a second. "Actually n-no. I am mad. Mad you would say something like that about yourself."
"But… it's true."
"No it's not!" Ragatha immediately yelled out before turning her gaze to the side, deep in thought, she wanted to deny every awful thing Pomni was saying about herself, but if she were to be complete and 100% objective, then, yeah, it was all true, but it was the way Pomni was saying those thing that made something break inside the ragdoll. She took a deep breath, in through her nose and out through her mouth, just like she had shown Pomni before. The odd tear or two still falling out of her eye,"Okay, let's say it is true."
"But it is-"
"You're not talking. I am." She put her index finger over the other's mouth, she wasn't even trying anything scandalous, simply trying to make her shut up and stop saying such vile things about herself, but Pomni couldn't help and get flustered, her face and shoulder turning a small pinkish red.
"All those thing may be true. But why does it matter? I love you for you Pomni!
And, for all that's worth. I think you're beautiful." She poured her heart out, meaning everything she had just said, but it still seemed like Pomni wasn't convinced, drifting her eyes to the floor.
"You deserve better than me…" Pomni mumbled, and Ragatha really couldn't help but find it ever slightly annoying how the jester took almost none of her words to heart.
"Pomni. I mean it 100% when I say this; I cannot think of anyone or anything better than you. The way you're able to connect with others in such a throughout way, your kindness given to anyone who needs it, and even those who don't want it. You're emphatic, you're honest, you're… you're you, Pomni. I really don't know how else to describe it. And I am so lucky that I get to call you my girlfriend…" She held out her hands towards Pomni, and after a second of consideration, the jester allowed the doll to take her hands onto her own. Ragatha rubbed small circles around the top of one of her gloved hands with her thumb, making Pomni flush even more.
"That's… I'm…" Pomni stumbled over her words, eyes already ready to betray her again and once again start crying. "I needed that. Thank you."
"Just doing my part…" Ragatha said before a moment of silent, quickly followed to her going back to make eye contact with the jester. "Pomni… can I kiss you?"
Pomni chuckled. "You even gotta ask? She freed her hands from the doll's grasps, and held each side of her head with them, she brought their faces together until their lips finally connected. It was overall a pretty chaste kiss, not being very long, but the intent and emotion behind it was all that mattered. They separated before going back to looking at each other with nothing short of adoration.
"Thank you…" Pomni mouthed the words once again. But was shocked when that made Ragatha's brows to furrow a little bit.
"It's nothing but…" She took another deep breath, though this time both inhaling and exhaling through her triangle nose. "We're not done yet."
That Pomni by surprised, as Ragatha grabbed Pomni's hands that were still holding onto her face and setting them on her lap. "All these things you said about yourself… sure, they may be true," Ragatha was trying to hard to sugarcoat the jester's words about herself. "but, they never bothered me, and they never seemed to bother you before. So… what's going on with that."
Pomni sighed drawing her hands away from the doll's lap, immediately feeling the lack of warmth that came with not being in contact with the doll. The cold was almost glacial, and she tried remedying this by rubbing her hands together as she looked ahead, legs dangling off the side of her bed.
"I don't… really know to be honest. I always kinda had issues with, a lot of parts of myself, and I guess Caine's weird clone of me from today made it all boil over, all at once."
"Do you wann…" Ragatha tried asking, before reeling back and realizing what needed to be said, even if she really didn't want to pressure her girlfriend. "We need to talk about it. It's not healthy to hold on onto so much."
"I know, but… it's hard. To get the words out."
"Just a few minutes ago you were able to say it. What's makes it saying in a more objective way anymore difficult?" Ragatha asked rhetorically, and Pomni could just shrug in response as she hugged her legs and rested her head on her knees.
"Alright then… how about we go over it one at a time?" Ragatha suggested, which seemed to get the younger woman's attention back. "We could view it like a checklist. And go from the thing that bothers you the least, to the one that bothers you the most. How's that?" And weirdly enough, that did seem very enticing to the jester. Just knock out all those things one at a time, that seemed better and easier than just mindlessly ramble about everything, less of a risk to give herself another panic attack, as she only had to think about one thing at a time.
"Yeah that… that does sound good, actually."
"Great. Then… where do you wanna start?"
"That's the hard part…" Pomni chuckled mirthlessly, rubbing the back of her neck, deep in thought. "I guess we can start with the obvious. I'm fat."
"Pomni…" Ragatha sneered, brows once again furrowed.
"I mean, I guess this is what I get for not doing any sports and eating McDonalds for dinner for almost three years…" Pomni continued, trying to ignore the ragdoll's change in tone. "Like, this was before I started my Youtube channel. Hell, even before I started thinking of exploring abandoned buildings. And I uhm… I was pretty depressed."
"Oh…" Was all the older woman could say.
"I-I got better! Like, as I said, it was before I starting urbexing, but after I did I got out of that rut, I just needed a reason to get out of the house that didn't involve work. But, yeah. I was pretty depressed for a few years, almost never got out of the house, you already know I suck a[$#@!] at cooking, and Micky D's is the good kind of slop, soooo… yeah. I got fat."
"Pomni!"
"What? I did. I am!"
"You're… chubby."
"Those are synonyms!" Pomni said incredulously, though there wasn't anger in her tone, morose amusement.
"Well, yeah! But you're acting like you were a patient in 600-lb Life! And you're like… 235, at the most."
"Yeah, but that's not exactly healthy for someone who's 4 ft-nothing."
"You… literally just said that's a recent thing," The doll said through gritted teeth. "I'm sure out there you were like… 4-foot-10."
"Still counts as overweight."
"Oh my goooood." Ragatha whined alongside a laugh. 'Is that what I sound like to everyone else?' she thought. "Okay, yes, that may be the case. But we're here, where health concerns aren't a problem. So really all that it affects is your appearance. And in my humble— more or less factual— opinion. You're the prettiest girl in the entire world. Digital or otherwise."
Pomni let out a snort. "You flatter me… still, I honestly can't help but wonder what it'd be like if I was thin."
Somehow, that lit a fire inside Ragatha, and she began to speak in a more serious tone. "Pomni." The jester of which turned to the ragdoll, already fearful she made her upset again. "I've been in this Circus for God knows how long. I'm only beat on the regard of time by Kinger. I saw many come in… and just as many go. I've been through all sorts of wild, mind defying 'adventures' by our wonderful ringmaster," 'Where is she going with this?' Pomni thought as Ragatha continued. "and despite getting… close, a few times, I always trudged on and welcomed tomorrow with open arms… So you're gonna have to believe me when I say this…
Once or twice, I had dreams where you went on a diet, and got thin. And that is made me lose it. I woke up startled and in a cold sweat."
Pomni just looked at the ragdoll with wide eyes… before going out on a fit of laughter, needing to hold her stomach and even getting her eyes all watery because of it. Ragatha smiled and joined in on the laughter, happy to have changed her girlfriend's mood so quickly.
"Oh… Oh my god- Hahah! You're joking!" Pomni said in between laughter.
"I'm serious! Scouts honor!"
"Hahah… Honestly that's on me. Should have guessed you were into fat b[$#@!]s."
"I wouldn't put it like that! I'd say I'm more into… large ladies."
"Pthh! Hahah!-" Pomni once again began laughing hysterically. "Oh my god… Hahah! Hoh! You're a hoot angel."
"Just doin' ma' part!" Ragatha said in a sing-song voice while bopping her head side to side.
"Hey, least now I know for sure, so, y'know… If you ever wanna use my stomach as a pillow."
"Don't even joke about that. I will be out like a rock in two minutes, flat. And I won't wake up again for the next three hours!"
"Don't threaten me with a good time! I'd love to watch that pretty face serene and peaceful for three hours." Pomni said while cupping the ragdoll's face and rubbing her thumb around her cheek.
Ragatha let out a chortle. "Psh… charmer…" she said while slowly removing the jester's hand with just her index finger. "Reckon we're still not done?"
"Uuuh… no. Alright what else, um…" Pomni rubbed the back of her neck, thinking for a second. "Okay so uh… I don't know if you know about it but I have this… thing called… Asperger's— Wait, no no." Pomni shook her head, with her mind now a bit more clear than before she remembered an important detail about her condition. "It's not called Asperger's. Least, not anymore. It's all just autism now, has been since 2013 apparently… you know what autism is, right?"
"Oh my gosh Pom." Ragatha chuckled while shaking her head. "Of course I know what autism is. I swear, sometimes you all treat me like I'm from the 1850s,"
Pomni laughed. "You're right, you're right. Sorry. But uh, yeah, I'm… autistic. Gosh it's still so weird to say it out loud… I didn't uh, already tell you and just forgot right?"
"I don't think you did, but I think you implied once or twice." Ragatha looked at nothing, trying to think of a specific example but drawing blank. "I'll be honest. I don't… really know what it's like. Hell this is actually the first time I'm learning that Asperger's and autism are the same thing. Thought they were separate…"
"Huh, really?"
"Yeah… I guess when I was out there the research for it wasn't as throughout… plus, being in a small, kinda rural religious town."
"Oh dear."
"Yeaahh… like, when I first heard of autism it was around the end of middle school. And the teacher… didn't… call it autism."
"Ooooh dear…"
"Yeaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh…" Ragatha rolled the word in an extreme way. Really letting it sink how fucked the education on her hometown was. "B-But this isn't about me! God knows you've heard me vent about that enough. So like… educate me! Like, properly, what's it like?"
"Oh, uuuh… well. I'm not like, an expert on it, or anything. But it's like… I guess my brain is wired a bit weirdly?" Pomni, ironically, was able to notice the fraction of a second Ragatha's expression changed before she turned back to her patient smile, so she backtracked. "Or, differently. Is a better word. I'm like, honest to a fault, certain sensations I just, cannot stand, like you know how I am with touches from strangers. And I just, basically shut down when I get bombarded with loud noises or bright lights."
Ragatha listened carefully to the younger woman's explanation, just nodding along and humming in understanding as she went on. When she was finished, the ragdoll was quiet for a moment, looking for the right words to console Pomni. She thought of saying 'I'm sorry to hear that' but, no. That'd imply what Pomni had was this awful awful thing, that she was worse off for having it. And even if she didn't quite grasp it, she knew that wasn't true. So she decided to go with the tried and true Socratic method. "Well. Do you think you're worse off by being on the spectrum?" Ragatha asked. "Oh, a-and did I use the term right? Spectrum?"
"Erm, yeah, you did…" Well, that was a quite the strong question to Pomni. She really didn't know how to answer it. "Uuh… yes? Wait- No, I'm just…" She sighed. "I really don't know. Like some days it's no big deal, heck I even forget I'm on the spectrum at all. And then others…" She sucked in a breath, knowing the ragdoll probably wouldn't like what she was going to say next, but she needed to be honest in this conversation. "Other times I wish I was just normal. Like Caine could just fix my brain."
Ragatha was completely stunned at Pomni's words. She stammered for a second before being able to speak again. "Pomni you are normal— actually. What does 'normal' even mean in this context?"
"'Dunno, guess just not… like this?"
Ragatha hummed in acknowledgement, then growing quiet for a second thinking of what to say. "Pomni… do you think it's, abnormal, I have a fear of centipedes?"
"Huh?" Pomni was extremely confused. "Of course not! Hell, even I don't like them. It's, not a phobia like you, but I don't like 'em. Who does?" She asked rhetorically.
"Yes. Most people don't like centipedes. But most people also don't freeze up in terror when they see them. Isn't that abnormal?"
"…no??"
"Alright… how about my red hair? Is that not normal?"
Pomni finally clocked what Ragatha was trying to say. "Ragatha. I can tell what you're trying to do. And no, having red hair isn't abnormal. But it's also very different from… this?"
"In what way? From what I heard it's just as likely for someone to be a redhead to them to be autistic so…"
"…so?"
"So either your options are that you indeed normal, which you are. Or… we're both freaks together, which is fine by me." Ragatha said with a nonchalant smile and shrug. Which made Pomni laugh a little.
"I guess…"
"Plus, the notion of 'normal' is just some made up idea created by like, TV and movie studios, or school systems to weed out those they deem undesirable."
And that right there just made Pomni go into yet another fit of laughter. "What?? God you sound like Zooble. Haheh- Been spending time with them?"
"That obvious?"
"Very." Pomni continued laughing for a beat more before it dropping, she had a smile on her face but seemed to be thinking about something. "I… I get what you were trying to say and all. And I appreciate it, but like… I'd be lying if I said I didn't still think what it would be like if I didn't have it."
"I guess everyone thinks what it would be like if they could change aspects of themselves they can't exactly control… I for one, would wanna be taller."
"Okay, now that's just being greedy." Pomni said with a dumb smile on her face.
"G-Greedy??" Ragatha asked incredulously. "Pom, did you forget I'm the 2nd shortest person here? 2nd to… well."
"Well, what about Gangle? You're always looking down at her… literally, of course."
"That's just because she's always slouching and Caine ignored my suggestion for a chiropractor NPC." Ragatha explained, not noticing Pomni's confused look at her mentioning her ignored suggestion. "Remember when she had that… in all honesty, kinda creepy plastic mask? She finally straightened up and towered over me. Just like everyone else…" She said with a puff, which made Pomni smirk.
"Is that another reason why you're drawn to me? So you don't feel like the runt of the litter?"
"Of course not!" Ragatha said, but folded at the sight of Pomni's smug look. "Okay, maybe. But I can't help it, you're cute."
Pomni flushed a bit at the ragdoll's compliment, even more so since she said it so casually, like it was a simple fact of life. "Thanks… but about what you were saying before. Yeah I do sometimes wonder what it would be like if I was neurotypical."
"Well… you probably wouldn't be here."
Pomni looked at the doll with a dumbfounded look. "That's quite the theory, isn't it?"
"Well, maybe. And maybe I'm relying on stereotypes here, but. Maybe you would have different hobbies, and you wouldn't be interested in abandoned buildings, and… well… you wouldn't put on that headset."
"Yeah… maybe." There was a moment of silent and melancholy as both women turned to look at nothing, not looking at each other. Ragatha sighed heavily as she scratched the back of her head.
"I'm sorry, this, was meant to make you feel better."
"No no, you're fine, I promise… besides." Pomni scotched closer to the ragdoll, and leaned in to rest her head on her shoulder. "If I indeed haven't gotten interested in abandoned buildings… I wouldn't have met you." That made Ragatha's sudden worry dissipate as she smiled at the jester warmly before resting her head on top of her hat. "It's like… destiny, or something…"
That made Ragatha laugh softly. "Destiny, huh?"
Pomni got a bit embarrassed at it. "Y-Yeah, like… we were… meant to… find each oth- Oh my god, I can't even finish it." She buried her face in her hands, trying to hide her red hot look. "I'm sorry, that was so corny, right?"
"Heh… not at all." Ragatha began petting the top of Pomni's head (er, hat). "I liked it."
"You're such a hopeless romantic…"
"That'd make two of us, sweetheart." She leaned down to plant a kiss on Pomni's forehead, the two of them staring at each other's eyes for what some may consider a beat too long. "You feeling better?"
"Yeah I… am actually. Thank you." She took the doll's hand that was still petting the top of her hat and starting rubbing small circles around it with both her thumbs. "But… there's still, one thing I'd like to talk to you." Ragatha hummed in curiosity, still smiling at the jester. "It's about me uuh… y'know. Being… trans."
"Oh…" Ragatha unfortunately already expected the worst. What Pomni had almost said about herself not too long ago was still engraved into her mind. It was a disgusting thing to say about any trans person, but hearing it being said by said trans person made her heart sink. "Pommy. If this is heading where I think it is, let me preface it; you are a real woman, you always were, always will be. And I love you all the time. You know that, I know you do."
Pomni sucked in a sharp breath, still holding onto the doll's hand like some sort of anchor. "Yeah I know, it's just that… It's still a little bit crazy to me that I get to be… myself? I guess? Like when I was younger, I always found boys my age annoying and, gross. So most of the time I made friends with other girls. A lot of them getting comfortable with me, mainly cuz they thought I was a gay guy. Which, not technically wrong I guess, I can thank Ed Sheeran for making me realize I was bi, b-but anyway-"
"Wait huh—"
"When I got older-"
"We're just gonna gloss over that? Ed Sheeran???"
"Yes. So as I got older, and got more access to like, the internet and such. I got quite sucked LGBT+ groups, cuz… duh. And during my time there I saw a bunch of people saying how much they hated being men, and how much happier they were they changed their genders, and I was just like… 'You can do that??'
But yeah, cutting a long story short, I transitioned, and I… never… told anyone."
"W-Wait, you didn't?"
"Nope. My parents never knew. Mainly cuz I kinda lost contact with them after moving out. None of my high school or college friends find out, for the same reason as my parents. None of my relationships ever went far enough that I'd feel the need to tell them, thought now that I think about it, the fact I didn't wanna have sex- for obvious reasons I hope- might be a reason those never went anywhere. And apparently I completely passed for strangers and coworkers, so… Yeah." Pomni said with a shrug, while looking to the side, but still giving Ragatha side glances, seeing if the doll would understand what she was implying.
It took a couple of seconds, but it finally hit Ragatha like a speeding train. "Pomni, was… was I the first person you ever told?" Pomni could just give a small nod in response. Ragatha was flabbergasted, she didn't know how to respond, she felt pity for the younger woman, who was never able to come out to anyone when out in the real world, but she also felt… honored. Like the younger woman trusted her the most out of anyone in her life to the point she'd be the first person she revealed such a vital part of her identity. Ragatha was quiet for a moment, she really didn't know what to say, so she did the only thing she could think of at that moment.
She practically threw herself onto the jester, making her lips meet with hers, kissing her passionately. Pomni was obviously startled by this at first, but soon grew comfortable, leaning into the kiss and putting her hand on the back of Ragatha's head, lightly pushing it, trying to get their faces as close as humanly (digitally?) possible.
When they finally parted, Pomni was now lying on her back and Ragatha was on top of her, hands next to either side of Pomni's face as she propped herself up. Once they realized the position both were in, both their faces turned beet red, it was quite the turn of events.
"Uuuh… Are we… about to…?" Pomni asked, whether she was just trying to break the tension or get the ball rolling was debatable.
"Uhm, b-better not. N-Not yet at least." Ragatha responded as she got off from the younger woman to lie down on the bed right next to her. Stomach up and her own hands interlinked as she mindlessly twiddled her thumbs. "S-Sorry for that, I just… gosh. I guess I feel… honored, that I'd be the first person you'd tell this to."
"I mean, it only makes sense, right?" Pomni turned to now by laying on her side, allowing to get a full look at the doll. "You're the person I trust the most around here and, if we were gonna take this relationship seriously. I'd had to tell you sooner rather than later…" The brought a hand up to the doll's forearm and traced small circles around it with her index finger. "And that… was probably the scariest godd[$#@!] in my whole life."
"Really? Even more than Caine's horror adventures? Or even the abandoned buildings you explored that might or might not have been haunted?"
"Absolutely. If we could die here I'm certain my blood pressure from just thinking of telling you would have done me in." Pomni said with a half chuckle. "Not because I thought you'd like, be disgusted by it or something. I know for a fact you're not like that. But just that… well, you're pretty vocal about how you feel about men; they can go f[$#@!] themselves cuz you sure won't."
The joke made Ragatha wheeze into a hearty laugh, and Pomni mentally patted herself on the back for being able to make the ragdoll laugh, she loved the sound of her laughter.
"I was scared mainly because… I'd think your feelings for me would change. If you knew that, at a certain point I was deemed a man."
"So, what? you thought my brain just categorizes everyone I know into either 'man' or 'woman'? And if you told me it would automatically set you to 'man' and I wouldn't find you hot anymore?"
"I… I guess??"
"Pomni, I must have said it like three times already. I love you for you. Because you're Pomni, Pomni."
"Yeah I know but. You can't lie and say that, if I hadn't transition, if I was a cis guy, you'd… probably not be attracted to me, romantically or otherwise."
That took Ragatha aback, while she wanted to strictly deny it. It wasn't exactly wrong. And that made Ragatha a bit uncomfortable. She liked Pomni's company, loved it even, and she was certain that regardless of any situation or context they'd be able to hit it off pretty nice. But if she was indeed a man she'd probably never consider her a romantic partner. But also… what if she had transitioned while in the circus? Would she suddenly catch feelings for her just like she did in her current present. Ragatha rationalized that… yes, she would. But it still felt so weird to think about.
"I… I guess so? But you're not. You never were for all I care, just according to the law you were ever a man."
"That… actually means a lot to me, thank you." Pomni smiled at the ragdoll. "Still. I like to believe I have some game, regardless of gender. Maybe in that universe I'd be your bi awakening."
"Oh, so you'd be my Ed Sheeran."
"…no comment." That sent Ragatha into another fit of giggles as Pomni tried her best to look as stone faced as possible. "ANYWAY!" She added in when it was quick the ragdoll's laugh wasn't gonna stop until intervened. "I think that um… I think that's all. I… thank you."
"Pomni, you thanked me like, five times at this point." Ragatha said with a smug grin.
"Yeah I did. Because you deserve it! You… you probably have no idea how much all of this meant to be, and there's not enough 'thank you's I can give that can show my gratitude…" That made Ragatha's poor candy heart flutter with joy and happiness, she smiled sweetly at the smaller woman laying beside her. "I… can't promise I'll won't like, relapse, or whatever, on this self hate mindset. This isn't exactly the kind of thing you can just snap away forever with just one conversation."
"I know…"
"But, still. I really appreciate you listening to me, and, trying to be as frank as possible, and I… don't really know how to repay you."
"Hmmm, welllll…" Ragatha put a finger to her chin, pretending to be deep in thought. "You could start by cuddling up with me!" She said while extending her arms, waiting for the jester to roll up and allow herself to be taken, but surprisingly, she didn't.
"Yeah, I could, I could… ooor…"
"Or… what?"
"You could… y'know." Pomni rolled back to be lying on her back, but never breaking eye contact with the doll. She slowly raised her hand up, before bringing it back down to rub her exposed stomach.
'Oh my god…' Ragatha mouthed the words as her eyes went wide. She slowly crawled up to Pomni, and hovered just above her belly while making eye contact with her, Pomni gave her a smug nod, allowing Ragatha to finally rest her head on top of her. "Oh my god…" Ragatha now said audibly.
"Oh c'mon, it can't be that good." Pomni said while waving her hand around.
"It's amazing…" Pomni genuinely has never seen the ragdoll this relaxed before, it made her a little flustered. "I wanna sleep like this every day now…" Ragatha said while closing her eye and letting out a satisfied hum.
"Wow uh, that's quite the tall order. Maybe we can get arrange something for the both of us?" Pomni asked… and was met with silent. "Ragatha?" She tried calling to the older woman and was only met with… a snore. Making right by her promise, she had fallen asleep in two minutes, flat. Pomni couldn't help but laugh at it as she started petting the doll while she slept peacefully while using her tummy as a pillow. It was the most beautiful sight Pomni had ever seen.
"Good night angel…" She whispered the words as to not wake her up.
"Thank you."