Work Text:
Casey’s wrists itched. He was nowhere near LA anymore. But they still itched.
It has been almost a year since Lars found him and his car wrapped around a tree out front of his house. Casey believed he was always going to have to fight for his peace. He believed he was unworthy of the kindness and quietness that people always talked about. Of settling down and building a life beyond car chases and bullets. Destined for the streets. So when Lars took him in, showed him nothing but kindness and peace, it felt wrong.
The long quiet days left him feeling empty and uncertain. He never settled, believing that at any moment Nino’s gang would find him and kill him. Killing Lars in the process too. That left him restless. His skin crawling whenever it got too quiet, too peaceful, too kind. During his first couple weeks with Lars, he tried to leave. He’d find Lar’s keys and flee. Though he’d never get further than the end of the road. His banged up shoulder, knee, and head, mixed with the copious amount of blood lost wouldn’t let him get far before he passed out. Not to mention the crazy state of dissociation he was in.
But Lars would find him every time and take him back to the house with a warm smile on his face. Casey thought he was in some weird captive situation. His mind never settling enough to get his bearings and realise what was happening. It wasn’t until the Stockholm syndrome kicked in that the illusion his brain had conquered up, was just that. An illusion. An illusion of war, of cruelty, of noise. His years of fighting for his peace had been turned upside down. He was safe.
For the first time his soul learnt peace, it learnt kindness, and it learnt quietness. The wrong feeling in his chest slowly untangeling. When Casey looked at Lars he saw something. A something that left him feeling warm and fuzzy.
But still now, after months of retaining his body and mind to accept this life, his wrists itched.
It started 4 days ago as a gentle tickle. Casey never thought anything of. That would happen every so often, but die down by the end of the day. But when he woke up the next day the feeling was still there. He tried his usual things to reset his head, a long drive, a long shower, getting his hands greasy. But nothing helped.
Lars began to notice something was off on the 4th day after Casey walked inside with a distant stare on his face, and just stood in the kitchen. The final light of the day filtering in through the curtains.
“You okay Casey?” He asked in his softest tone. He walked over and placed a gentle hand on his forearm. The touch sent warm radiant waves down his arm, calming the itching a touch. Casey softened under even the smallest of touch from Lars, both physically and mentally. He wasn’t sure if he was okay. So the best he could do was close his eyes and give an ambiguous hum in reply.
Lars’s face worried. His lips thinned the longer he looked at Casey. “Come on, let’s get washed up and in bed.” Lars slid his hand onto Casey’s broad back, and applied the tiniest bit of pressure. As to which Casey opened his eyes, and started walking with Lars towards the bathroom. Lars opened the door and guided the taller man through into the small room.
“Jacket,” Lars spoke into the soft air. Casey had started wearing any kind of long sleeve to cover his wrists. Despite the warm season. Any time he had to take it off for a second to cool down, the itch in his wrists would burn up. He couldn’t help but scratch them a couple times. He wasn’t sure what state they were in after, he could never bring himself to look at them uncovered.
Casey hesitated for a second, before he shouldered it off. As the sleeves rolled down his arms, his heart picked up a touch. He hated Lars seeing him in such fragile states. Despite his weird behavior and routines, and a couple mental breakdowns, Lars had never judged him. But that didn’t still the thumping in his chest. Casey’s mind was waiting for the time he was simply too much for Lars. But even now, his wrists bare to the air. Lars didn’t judge. He simply looked at Casey’s red, irritated wrists, and did not judge.
Lars understood most of Casey’s ‘odd’ behavior. Because he experienced it himself. Underneath all his layers lay hid scars dotting his arms and thighs. When Casey first saw them in their whole, the first feeling he felt was safety. The next was deep hatred for whoever made Lars feel so low and deep about himself, to the point of him leaving permanent reminders of it over his body. That night Casey kissed each and every one of them.
When Lars first saw Casey’s body in whole, the only scares that stood out against his worn skin were two janky scares on his chest, that sat just beneath his nipples. Lars only imagined the other scares on his skin were from accidents in the garage, or from the life he use to lead. He thought slightly differently of all of Casey’s scares now. Though the only thought that really changed in Lars’s mind after seeing Casey’s raw wrists, was that they weren’t so different. Which Lars was learning more and more every day.
It comforted Lars. They couldn't have lived such different lives up until now. But yet they had more in common with each other than anyone else. Most would have found the fact that they related to someone who has kicked in someone's head to raw pulp, terrifying. But to Lars it gave him hope. Hope that even the worst people out there did what they did to simply survive. That if they are given a quiet, kind space to unravel, deep down they are just a scared human being, willing to be kind. They just have to be shown how.
Lars picked up Casey’s jacket off the floor and folded it over his arm. “Shower or bath?” Lars asked. Casey thought for a second before replying, “Bath.” He never really had baths ever. But the thought of plunging his body into warm water felt nice right now. Lars agreed, “Ok,” he smiled looking up at the taller man. Casey watched the shorter man walk over to the tub, put the plug in, and start running the warm water.
Lars turned back over to Casey and placed the gentle hand on his forearm. “I’ll be back in 2 seconds, okay?” Casey hummed in reply, looking at Lars with such fondness. Lars peeled his hand off Casey as he walked out of the room.
The second Lars was no longer in sight, an empty feeling fell over Casey’s body. Despite that warm dusk light filtering in and the warm steam coming from the running water, Casey felt so cold. So fragile. Like at any moment his body will split into a million cold shards and scatter all over the floor. Probably hurting Lars in the process. So he stood so still.
He hated feeling like this. He had never been more at peace in this life. But yet, he was so fragile. Casey remembers Lars telling him how it’s his nervous system regulating itself. Years of pent up emotions pouring out now he finally feels safe, at peace. Casey liked the way Lars talked about emotions. He made even the hardest of them sound not as scary.
“Breath boy,” Lars said with a chuckle when he walked back into the door. He held a couple things in his arms. Warmth entered Casey’s body again once he was able to breathe Lars’s air. Lars placed the things down near the tub on the ground, and checked the water. Casey noticed Lars was wearing a short sleeved shirt. Which was rare for Lars, Casey wasn’t sure he even owned one until now.
Lars noticed Casey looking, “I hate the feeling of wet clothes,” he said. “What?” Casey’s voice sounded so lost. “What? I’m not trust you to clean them up fully,” no judgement, just kindness. Casey hated how quickly he folded.
Lars made a lifting motion with both his hands at Casey’s shirt, “up,” he added. Casey complied. Lares turned back around to the tub to monitor the water while Casey continued undressing. He left all his clothes in the corner of the room. When the tub was full, Lars turned off the tap and turned to face Casey, stepping aside.
Casey hesitantly stepped into the bath, but the second the water touched his foot, he didn’t hesitate any longer. He slipped into the water, stopping just before the water reached his chin. Lars couldn’t help but giggle a little. Casey’s long legs were crowded in the tub, so he laid a bit awkwardly. But to Lars it was the cutest thing ever.
Caset let out a breath that carried a gentle hum of delight. “Happy there big guy?” Lars asked, kneeling down next to the tug. Casey replied with a slight nod. After a moment Casey raised one of his wrists out of the water, looking at it for the first time. His eyes traced the scratches from the base of his palm to the bend in his elbow. They didn’t look all too out of place against his worn skin. But the intensity of the redness made them look mean and intentional.
Lars’s hand came into Casey’s vision as he carefully cups his wrist. “I don’t know why I do it,” Casey whispers. “Sometimes there just isn’t an explanation, just a habit that your brain defaults to under uncertainty.” Lars spoke into the warm air.
“But I’m not uncertain, I’m just-” Casey sighs annoyed. He lets his head all backwards and leans it against the cold tiled wall. The water gently ripples with his movements, sending small noises through the air. “Your mind has been in survival mode your whole life. Its goal was to get you through the day. Now you don’t live like that it’s become uncertain. It’s trying to create a situation where it can fall back into those ‘survive the day’ habits. Because that’s all it’s known.”
Casey can’t decide whether he hates or loves how Lars can read his mind like a book. But he does know he loves the man, so all he can do is trust him. He turns his head to the side to meet Lars’s gaze. Lars gives him a gentle, warm smile. That simple silly smile rids Casey’s face of all tension, which he lets go with a sigh.
“It’s only been 10 months, give your body time Case.” Casey thought he had given his body time. But he guessed 10 months isn't enough to undo 26 years of ‘survival’ as Lars puts it. “I guess,” Casey can’t help but agree.
Casey would agree with anything Lars said. He’d do anything Lars told him too. Some people would call that mindset unhealthy. But to Casey that’s the only way he knew how to love. It’s how he showed he cared. He was willing to stop his life for Lars, and to him that was bigger than any fancy gift. His devotion is all he owned at the end of the day. And he was ready to give that all to Lars.
Lars grabbed a soft cloth from the things he brought in. He wet it in the water, and put a couple pumps of body wash on it. He then started gently wiping down Casey’s wrist. Which was another thing Casey has had to get use to, the gentle way Lars handled his body. Like it was made of glass, despite his rough, torn skin, ever scared to shatter it. Casey thought that it was due to Lars’s touch aversion before. But after one particular night together, he couldn’t believe that any longer.
Lars gently lowered Casey’s wrist back into the warm water, “can I see the other one?” Casey raised the other wrist, Lars cupped it like the last and started wiping it down. Casey watched Lars as he worked. He noticed how the ligaments in his bare arms moved, and how he twitched his lips ever so slightly with concentration. It warmed his chest despite the water growing cooler.
“All done for now,” Lars chimed as he settled Casey’s wrist back into the water. “For now?” Casey hummed. He already missed his touch, it was much warmer than the water. “I’ll put some ointment and moisturiser on it once you’re out. But for now, use this to wash up.” He pulled a bottle of lavender body wash from his little pile and placed it on the edge of the tub.
“It should help with relaxation. I have a chamomile one, which is better for relaxation, but there is only a tiny bit of that left,” Lars explained after Casey’s face pricked with a little bit of confusion. Lars was particular about his things, so Casey didn’t mind. He didn’t mind if it was lavender or mud scented really, he was grateful either way.
Casey grabbed the bottle of lavender body water, and put a few pumps on the cloth. He then started washing his body down. Lars dried his arms and stood up. “I’ll be back in 2 seconds okay?” Lars cooed as he picked up Casey’s clothes from the corner he left them in. Casey hummed in reply.
This time when Lars walked out the door, he was fine. He was currently plunged in the warm bath Lars drew for him, coating himself in Lars’s lavender body wash, just after he finished washing the ugliest part of him. He was quiet. He was kind. He was at peace.
By the time Lars walked back in, Casey had just finished washing up. The dusty light had all but faded, leaving only the cool light of the bulb overhead. “Mmm, I love the smell of lavender,” Lars chimed, taking in the air. He placed clean clothes on the bathroom counter. “You read to get out Case?” Casey filled his chest with the same air, before letting it out with an agreeing hum. Lars grabbed a towel and held it open, ready to accept Casey’s clean body.
Casey stood up out of the cooled water. He let the water drop off him for a moment, before stepping out of the tub and into the warm embrace of the towel. Lars ruffled the towel over Casey for a second. He was able to produce a small chuckle out of the man. Lars, satisfied, stepped back from Casey, “I’ll be just put there,” Lars pointed out the door with his head. “Okay,” Casey replied with a nod.
Once Casey was dried and dressed he looked at himself in the mirror. The short sleeved shirt lars brought him left his arms exposed. He hated the way they looked. All red and raw. He wanted to tear at them until the skin was no more. Then at least they would have an even layer of skin over them once it grew back. They itched.
But Lars never treated them as ugly. He never treated any part of him as ugly. Not even the deepest corners of his mind that bore the ugliest of memories. Never ugly. Never judged. Never cold. So Casey relaxed his hands and lowered his arms. He then turned around and walked out of the bathroom.
Lars rubbed some ointment and moisturiser onto Casey’s wrists, before feeding him a warm meal. After Lars wrapped him in their summer bed sheet and held him as they fell asleep. The itching stopped.
Warm, quiet, kind, peaceful.
If this was to be the rest of Casey’s life, then he can give his body all the time it needs to heal.