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“I knew we should've paid the extra and gone in on our own! That’s a Saturday I won’t get back, thanks to you!”
Levi stood his ground in the face of Eren’s wrath. “I did what I thought was best.”
“I don’t get it.” Mikasa had a frown that matched her friend’s, but she seemed more confused than angry. “You were supposed to save him… Everything you’d said and done before that suggested that you would. I know we argued for Armin, but that was…”
“That was who our characters were supposed to be!” Eren finished, frustrated by Mikasa’s hesitance. “You were supposed to be on the commander’s team. Your friend Hange got it! But you had to go and fuck everything up by ‘letting Erwin go’, or whatever the hell you called it!”
Hange looked up sharply. “It was his choice. Erwin – in the game – the commander said it was up to Levi to decide who to use the serum on.”
“Well, I’m playing the captain next time, and I bet I won’t make such a stupid decision,” Eren said, crossing his arms. The tall boy called Jean shook his head. “You’d get the protagonist killed on the female titan mission, Yeager. Anyway, we don’t know how things would have turned out if we’d made different choices after he – after we lost the commander. Leave the guy alone. Where’s Armin? We should get going.”
“They told us that some people take longer to pull out of it than others,” Mikasa said. “It was in the terms and conditions. It’s one of the deepest immersions you can play, so it’s not surprising someone with Armin’s imagination might take a bit longer…”
“Erwin isn’t awake yet, either,” Hange added.
The door to the immersion room opened and Armin came through it, wiping a streak of gel from the contacts off his forehead. He grinned at his friends. “Whoa! That was amazing! Next time, I want to play the commander.”
“We lost!” Eren pointed out.
“Yeah – but we got a long way. You have to play a titan character next time Mikasa – the effects are awesome. Like, you’re right in the body, and it’s like, you’re in the booth, connected, and then you’re in the titan, also connected – it feels so real!”
“I’m fine just being the childhood friend,” Mikasa said. “I like that kind of role. But – what you must have gone through…”
Armin’s smile faltered. “Yeah. The burning was intense, even with the memory filters. I’ll probably have nightmares. But I guess it’s the price you pay for that kind of realism. I’m still gonna save up for another go.”
“Me too,” Eren said. “Have the others already gone home?”
“Sasha and Connie left before we came round,” Mikasa replied, retrieving her bag from the locker. “And I think that other group who were playing the warriors went off to celebrate at some pizza place.”
“Monkey boy was probably scared to meet you in the flesh,” Eren said, glancing at Levi with the hint of a conciliatory smile. “Look – sorry I was a bit… It gets in your head, you know?”
“It’s fine,” Levi told him.
When the kids had gone, Hange gave Levi a searching look. “You want me to stay until Erwin wakes up?”
“No – you go ahead. I’ll see you at work on Monday.”
“Okay.” Hesitating at the door, Hange looked back at Levi, sitting alone on the bench by the lockers. “For what it’s worth, I think I get why you did it, now. I didn’t in the game but…”
“It’s okay. I don’t regret it.”
“I know – I see that. But if Erwin…”
“You go. I’ll wait for Erwin.”
“Does he know?”
Levi looked up, scowling. “What?”
“Erwin. Does he know how you feel about him?”
Levi’s jaw set, but Hange saw his automatic denial die before he said a word.
“He didn’t. Now… Should never’ve let you talk me into playing this shitty game.”
“Maybe it’s best this way? Like ripping off a plaster!”
“Fine for you to say, when it’s not your plaster.” Levi looked towards the door of the immersion room, but there was still no sign of Erwin. “Hange – it’s okay. Go.”
“All right. Well – good luck.”
“Tch. Yeah – thanks.”
Alone in the locker room, Levi waited. It was always possible that Erwin wouldn’t have taken the remote viewing option on being KO’d by the Beast Titan’s flying rocks, in which case he wouldn’t know anything about the choice Levi had made. Or he might have chosen to watch until the moment of his in-game death, or all the way to game over, which would mean –
“Levi.”
Even before he raised his eyes to Erwin’s, Levi knew from the careful neutrality of his tone that he remembered.
“Erwin. You – did you keep watching, after...?”
“No – only until you let – Until just after I died. So no spoilers.”
“We weren’t in for much longer than you anyway. The stats said we were seventy-six percent through.”
“I see.”
“Yeah, so…”
“You chose to save Armin.”
“No! I – It wasn’t Armin I thought I was saving.”
“Ah. I wondered if that was it. Levi –”
Levi made a vague dismissive gesture with his left hand, but his eyes were fixed on Erwin’s. “You don’t have to say anything. We don’t need to discuss it. It’s just a game.”
“Yes… But the way any player character behaves in the game is almost entirely down to the player’s own thoughts and fe - responses.”
“Yeah.” Levi looked away then. “Look – I’m not about to apologize for – But if you’re that upset about it, I’ll pay for you to play again. Just take it out of my wages, or whatever.”
“I’m not upset. And I certainly wouldn’t dream of taking your money. We’ve worked together for long enough that I know – I’m sure you made that decision from the best motives. I’m just interested to understand what you were thinking, that’s all.”
Levi turned away to pick up his bag. “I don’t know. I wasn’t… It was more like… I just felt –”
Erwin waited, but Levi was out of words.
“This isn’t an ideal place to discuss it,” Erwin said at last. “Would you mind if… There’s a coffee place just across the road…”
Levi pictured himself at a table opposite Erwin, under the searchlight of those intense blue eyes. It would be just like the job interview six years ago – only with the added possibility of other people close enough to overhear -
“Or we could just walk,” Erwin suggested.
“Yeah, okay. We could walk,” Levi agreed.
Outside everything seemed different. Levi looked up and down the busy street, half expecting to find his view blocked by a wall fifty meters high. It was far too bright for a winter evening. Streetlights, headlamps, neon signs – a disorientating cacophony of light and colour. The foggy sky glowed an unnatural orange.
“Strange,” Erwin said.
“Yeah. Like when I came up from the underground for the first time,” Levi replied. “Nothing looked real – or, more like, too real.”
“I feel more than half still there,” Erwin said. “In the game, I mean.”
“Yeah.”
“I never saw real nights so dark as they were there – or stars so bright.”
“Maybe you can get nights like that here – right out in the countryside?”
“Perhaps. I’ve never been to a place with no glow from city lights at all.”
“Huh – no. I’ve never even been out of the city.”
Erwin turned to stare at him. “Never?”
“No. I was born here. Always worked here. There are a lot of people who –”
“But – didn’t you ever want to travel?”
“Want? Yeah. Afford? Tch. Since you gave me the job, I’ve been able to save for the first time in my life. But I have expenses. Debts I have to pay. These immersion games – closest thing to travel I’ll get for now.”
“It was an experience.”
“Yeah.”
They walked in silence for a while, choosing turnings at random.
“This… actual reality seems less real, now,” Levi said. “It’s weird.”
“Yes.”
There was another long silence.
“You were angry though, weren’t you?” Levi asked at last.
Erwin considered. “Perhaps, for a moment, when I watched you turn to Armin with that serum.” He laughed at himself, under his breath. “I did really want to see that basement.”
“I could –”
“No spoilers! I might play again one day – try to see it through.”
Levi said nothing.
They came to a small square of grass bordered by low trees and shrubs, and sat down on a bench by mutual unspoken consent.
“I must have been a disappointment to you,” Erwin said.
Levi stared at him. “What?”
“You agreed to follow me because you thought I had a vision – a world without titans; humanity, free. You thought I could see a way to achieve that. But, towards the end, you saw the truth, didn’t you? All I really wanted –”
“You wanted both,” Levi said firmly. “You wanted both, but you couldn’t even forgive yourself that much selfishness! You thought you were the only person who was fighting for your own reasons – but everyone was the same – everyone had personal reasons for what they chose to do.”
“But – I didn’t really care. Humanity’s victory… It wasn’t that important to me. Not as important as finding out the truth. And yet I persuaded all those recruits – I persuaded you, Levi… Yes, it was ‘only’ a game – but those games teach you things about yourself, and I…”
“You were never a disappointment to me. I was only angry at myself – for letting myself believe that any one person could have all the answers.”
Erwin looked at Levi. “So – when you let me die – it wasn’t – not even a tiny part of it – because I’d failed to live up to your expectations?”
Levi turned to face him, stricken. “No! How could you think – Didn’t I tell you how much you’d achieved? No one else could have led us that far! Why do you think I didn’t break your legs when I had the chance? I could have ‘saved’ you then, if saving was what I thought you needed. But you needed to lead that expedition. You needed to fight for the truth you thought you wanted to find. So I had to let you go.”
“You had to let me go…”
“Yeah. Then, and – And on that roof.”
“But – I still hadn’t found the truth. The basement…”
“Fuck the basement,” Levi said flatly. “You’d already given that up. You were finally free of it. You lived up to your own expectations when you led that charge – and then – Then they all – we all – wanted to bring you back into that hell – your guilt, and doubt, and a ‘truth’ that couldn’t ever be the truth and would lead to other ‘truths’ – more doubt – more questions…” Levi sighed. “No one ever gets to learn the truth, Erwin. Only glimpses – only flashes. And even then – the truth? There isn’t… Hadn’t you done enough? You’d found peace – I thought you’d found peace – in letting go of that damned dream. How could I ask you to take all that up again? You always told me that you were replaceable. I didn’t believe it, but you were right – or, at least, it was a truth - and, for the sake of humanity, I couldn’t have let you go if Armin and Hange hadn’t been there to take over some of what you did. But it was another truth that you were unique, irreplaceable, to them, to all of us – to me… I wanted you back, Erwin. You don’t know… But I looked at you, on that roof, and thought about what I would be calling you back to, and I couldn’t do it. I’m sorry – I’m sorry if I made the wrong choice for you – but I couldn’t do it.”
Erwin looked at Levi. “You thought… You felt – that you were sparing me.”
“Yes. If I was wrong… I’ve never been sure of the right choice – not like you. But, yes.”
“You weren’t wrong, Levi.”
“No?”
“No. Not for that Erwin. Not in that world. You acted out of – kindness. How could that be wrong?”
Levi shook his head. “I said the same sort of thing to Jean once, in that world. Armin killed an MP – she would have shot Jean. But Jean couldn’t pull the trigger to save himself. Armin was right to save Jean. But Jean – he wasn’t wrong to hesitate, was he? I still don’t know…” He glanced at Erwin and gave a small, rueful smile. “Huh – listen to us. So serious about a game!”
Erwin smiled back, but his smile faded as he looked at Levi. “It wasn’t just a game, though, was it? How we behaved – how we felt…”
Levi met his earnest gaze. “No – not just a game.”
“They claim those games can change people. They’ve even used them for the rehabilitation of offenders. Total immersion in those lives…”
“Yeah. And even if they don’t change you – you still take who you are in there.”
“And how you feel – about the important things. About people.”
“Mm.”
“Levi – we’ve become good friends over the years, haven’t we? But I never knew – until this game… Levi – you cared about me that much?”
Levi looked away. “I… Yeah.”
“More than what you wanted for yourself?”
“Yeah.”
“More than humanity’s victory?”
Levi only hesitated for a moment. Then he looked up at Erwin. “Yeah.”
“In the game, or –?”
“Like I said, you take who you are in with you.”
“I see.”
They sat in silence, Levi looking out across the square, Erwin deep in thought. Levi shifted fitfully. “Don’t feel awkward. I never expected… It doesn’t matter.”
“It matters! Levi – when I gave you the job in spite of the board’s reservations about your lack of paper qualifications, it was because I thought I’d never met anyone with so much integrity. You’ve proved me right countless times. And in the game you were the same – just the same. I’ve never admired anyone in my life as much as I admire you – in that world, and this one.”
“That’s –”
“I tried to keep my distance because of our professional relationship, and because I wasn’t sure, until we played this game, that your feelings – But I took the remote viewing option for a while after I died.”
Levi started. “I thought –”
“I quit before you went to the basement. But I saw you carrying me – what was left of me – to that room, where you put the flowers. I saw the way you touched my hand – the look on your face before you covered mine with that cape. …I wondered if you were going to kiss me…”
“I wanted to,” Levi admitted quietly. “I wanted to – but I wasn’t sure if you would have wanted that, so –”
“I would have wanted that, Levi.”
Levi took Erwin’s hand between his own. “It was so cold,” he said, “before.”
Erwin raised his free hand, and touched Levi’s cheek gently. “It was a different world,” he said, his smile as warm as Levi had always remembered it, “ - but I still want you to kiss me.”
“So that was the start of it,” Levi told the assembled guests. “And – well – you all know how it turned out.” He sat down to warm applause and Hange’s enthusiastic whooping, relieved to hand over to his new husband, who had always been much better than him at this kind of thing.
They sat on a blanket outside the tent, clasping mugs of hot tea, looking up at the stars.
“I know hiking in the north with a two-man tent isn’t everyone’s idea of a honeymoon,” Erwin said, putting his free arm around Levi and pulling him closer. “Are you sure it’s okay?”
Levi leaned his head on Erwin’s shoulder. “It’s perfect. Look at those stars! You were right – you have to go somewhere really dark to see properly. Never knew why they called it the Milky Way before.”
“It’s linked to the word galaxy,” Erwin said. “It’s from the Greek, ‘gala’ – milk.”
“Huh. Is there anything you don’t know?”
“Lots of things. You know the truth of that more than anyone.” Erwin looked serious for a moment, but then he chuckled to himself.
“What?”
“Still don’t know what was in that damned basement, for one thing!”
Levi rolled his eyes. “Do you want to know?”
Erwin hesitated. “It seemed to matter so much, at the time,” he said. “But now...”
“I’ll tell you if you want.”
“No. Not yet, anyway. I had so many theories…”
They watched the stars for a while, content in each other’s presence.
“I used to think the world outside the walls would be like this,” Levi said. “I thought it would be empty, and if we could only defeat the titans it would all be out there – just waiting.”
“But it wasn’t like that?” Erwin asked.
Levi looked at him, appalled at his own carelessness. “Fuck, I’m sorry! You didn’t want spoilers, and I –”
“It’s okay, Levi. I always thought it was unlikely that those of us trapped inside the walls could be the last of humanity. So – there were other people out there?”
“I’ve told you enough already. Unless… Do you really want to know?”
“No, not really. Not any more. Maybe one day I’ll ask you what happened.”
“We never reached the end, anyway, so…”
“We could always play again, if we wanted to,” Erwin said. “Would you still be the captain?”
“Yeah,” Levi replied, “Yeah – I’d be the captain. As long as you were the commander.”
They fell silent, looking up at the scintillating stars.
“So many!” Erwin exclaimed, after a while. “So many stars – so many possible worlds. Maybe even other universes… and yet people still make up stories – games like Attack on Titan – different realities…”
Levi looked at him. “I’ll stick with this reality. It’s not turning out too badly.”
“You’re right,” Erwin said. “As usual.” He finished his tea, and shivered. “It’s getting cold. Come to bed?”
Levi nodded. “You go in. I’ll follow in a minute.”
Erwin kissed him, and stooped to fold his big frame through the entrance of their tiny tent.
Levi put down his mug and looked out across the darkened landscape, up into the night sky. Above him the galaxy seemed to pulse with light. Behind him, he could hear Erwin clattering about in the tent, trying to change for bed in the limited space, muttering under his breath when he knocked something over.
For the first time in this, or any other reality, it occurred to Levi that he was simply and entirely happy.