Chapter Text
The first time he was alone with Suho was on a mild Sunday morning. He had somehow been up early, woken up by sunlight tickling his nose. A mild temperature filled the city after a week of biting iciness. A beautiful day for a walk. So, in a comfortable manner, he got ready to take the trip to the hospital on foot, picking up some snacks along the way.
Suho seemed just as content when he opened the door. A smile and small but kind eyes were aimed at Hyuntak in greeting. He sat up, stretching himself a bit.
„Missed me that much, you came this early?“, Suho teased. Hyuntak chuckled, setting down the snacks in front of Suho, who already made grabby hands at them. He took off his jacket and nestled into the closest chair by the window.
Due to basketball practice and then a game the day before, Baku and him hadn’t made it the past couple of days; only Sieun and Juntae. So they easily settled into a game of catch-up. But four days aren’t that long, so even that slowly died out and they settled into a comfortable silence.
And yet something was gnawing on Hyuntak. Something he did not want to be doing so. It had for a while now, to the point he was exhausted and tired of himself for thinking it. But of course Suho noticed it. Could already read him like the back of his hands.
„You guys are so similar! Seriously, It’s like I’m seeing double!“ Baku had once joked. Maybe he wasn’t completely wrong with that.
„Just spit it out, big guy.“, Suho encouraged him with a slight smirk. But his tone was so light and kind, Hyuntak could almost not bear it.
"Sieun and you!“ The word tumbled out of his mouth. And before he could think too much about how rude this line of questioning was, he just let it out. „ I thought you guys were .. something? I mean: You ARE! Like friends of course and all but I thought … I just…“ He regretted it immediately. Closing his eyes for a second, he took a deep breath, internally cursing himself for ruining the light and comfortable mood. But that was not enough; his friend was, after all, still sick and in the hospital. „ Sorry. I’m Sorry. I shouldn't have. This is none of my-„
„ We are.“ Suho interrupted him not unkindly but firmly. „At least I want to be. I just…“ He took a breath, looking around as if he could grab the words out of thin air. „…It has been TWO YEARS.” He emphasized it with such desperation it rattled through the room, through Hyuntak`s bones. He couldn’t even begin to imagine what it was like waking up after such a long time. He tried to think of all the things that had happened in those years, and any air left in his lungs disappeared.
All the people he met, the basketball games he had, the birthday parties and holidays he attended… just…. gone? He tried not to think of times where he had wished to wake up a year or two later just to skip the healing process. To skip the pain and go straight to forgetting his injuries, his hurt, his pain. Cause somehow he has made it here.
“….Two years.“ Suhos voice a broken whisper. „ It’s just such a long time. And I … I don’t know if I have changed.“ Desperation for something he could never get back, paining every word. His voice was thick and almost doubled over. „He certainly has. And I don’t want this to be based on …“ Suho's eyes had fogged up, staring at an infinite point out the window.
„Based on a sense of responsibility.“ Hyuntak finished for him, nodding slightly. „A false one at that.“, he added. He had felt similar with Baku. Back when he had been in the hospital: Baku's eyes full of misplaced guilt and begs of forgiveness clearly on his tongue, that should never have crossed his mind in the first place. It hadn’t been his fault after all. Why did Baku have to feel guilty when the actual reason got to feel nothing but a sick sense of satisfaction? Accomplishment? Release? He wasn´t sure. And he didn’t want to think of that fateful night. All the things it had caused. All the things he had lost. Himself most of all. Another name seemed to glow in his mind, glaring in a nauseating orange like a fucking night light.
An overwhelming exhaustion flooded Hyuntak. Exhausted by his memories of long gone by nights in hidden alleyways, by fears of being found out – caught in the act and dreams of … none of it having ever happened. Of it never having stopped.
Hyuntak closed his eyes for a second, gathering his thoughts. He knew this line of thinking well enough by now, that he knew it won’t take him anywhere. That it’s best to not walk down this road at all. After all: it had taken his everything to find his place in the world again. Or at least a sense of direction. Not to mention his mother’s and Baku's patience.
“I don’t think you need to know whether you’ve changed or not.”
Suho stilled. He didn’t look at him. Not yet. Not even when Hyuntak kept answering warmly.
“Some parts of you will have changed – Whether you want to or not. Others will have stayed the same. But that’s okay. “
A tension, an anger so familiar it has settled into his bones, now being kept at bay by new fears of loss settled over him.
He shook it away, looking at the up and down of Suho’s heartbeat-line instead.
“We change constantly. Every situation we’re put in – or put ourselves in –“
The room had seemed to fall away into nothingness, leaving only the shared pain between them.
…” every conversation we have…”
His voice had become hollow; distant but firm.
“…..every person we meet:…”
His mind had turned into a 4D movie theater, replaying old clips.
“….they all change us. Just a little bit.”
Smoke curling up into the night sky. The smell of hot teokkbokki. The glaring brightness of an oran–
“….Whether we want to or not.”
Hyuntak snapped his head back to Suho and let out a huff that curled into a smile.
“Some things are just more obvious with it. There is no shame or judgement in that.”
His breathing picked up again at an acceptable, steady pace:
“What matters is what you do with it. That you do it intentionally. That you’re intentionally choosing what you want to do. Who you want to be.”
Though Suho still looked outside, his hand tightened into a fist, bunching the blanket into a myriad of folds. His eyes glistened in the morning sun, and his jaw was locked tightly.
Hyuntak wasn't sure whether he had been talking to Suho … or himself. He hadn’t ever been able to put it into words. Back then he had just felt it all, trying not to drive his head through every wall he met. But time gave you a certain distance. Distance gave you a certain distance. And all he had was time and distance from all that had been. To think it through.
But he didn’t want to dive back into it all. Into all of his ‘should’ve beens’ and ‘could’ve beens’. In all of his ‘what if’s’ and ‘maybes’. Knew he’d just get stuck in a spiral again, helpless and conflicted, staring at the ceiling.
Instead, he thought of Sieun: How he lit up in ways Hyuntak had thought impossible whenever Suho was mentioned. Whenever Suho talked to him. The kind and honest smile whenever they talked, whether it was in person or on the phone. The actual laugh he had let out that one time.
`Yeah, there was no way Sieun didn't want him just as much.` Hyuntak thought softly.
„He knows. I’m sure he knows.“ is what he settled for instead.
Suho's head snapped towards him, a wonder and a vulnerability that not even his painful first walks had been able to pull out of him. „ You really think so?“ He whispered a bit breathlessly, as if it was a secret.
Hyuntak nodded, amused, a soft grin settling in. „I really think so.“ And because he can’t help but tease his friends, he added. „ He hasn’t gotten bored of your ass yet.“
He had said it carelessly, but his own words suddenly echoed through his entire body.
„Hey, I don’t see the newbie. Sieun- or whatever. Playing with him would be more fun“ , he had said.
He. A person he has been trying to forget. Memories he tried to bury. But suddenly every single interaction with him flooded through him: Every swap of painful insults, every punch swung with more anger than strength, every… every kiss.
But Suho's voice saved him: „ Bored? Yah, why would anyone get bored of me ? Huh? Have you seen my beautiful face? Heard my wild adventures? Are you crazy?“ And suddenly all the air flooded back into the room, into his lungs; letting him laugh at his friend’s ridiculousness but far from misplaced confidence.
„Beautiful ? Your ugly mug ?“ He teased right back, grabbing a miscellaneous corn of rice and throwing it at said ugly mug. Suho recounted with his own corn of rice, throwing more unserious insults right back, escalating them into a full on insult match.
The sudden opening of the door stopped them in their tracks. Sieun looked at them in... Well, Hyuntak couldn’t really tell. He was sure there was some happiness and serenity in it. But it was clouded by something else. Both their arms, having been lifted for a faux boxing match, dropped.
„Sieun! You’re here!“ Suho recovered faster, smile so bright it looked almost painful. Cause of course he immediately forgot about anyone else in the room the moment Sieun stepped in. It was so cute, Hyuntak wanted to roll his eyes. So he did.
„Yah ´! We’re here as well!“ Baku squeezed by Sieun, Juntae right behind him. „ Do you not care about us at all?“
They too had bought some snacks and were placing them to Suhos' delight messily all over the little tray in front of him. Baku immediately fell into the retelling of yesterday’s match.
Sieun, on the other hand, had stayed frozen in the door for a second, looking at Hyuntak with something he could decipher even less. But before he could say something, Sieun's face released back into his normal „Suho is here„ -face and he silently slipped into the chair next to said man. Cause of course, they all knew not to sit in the seat right next to Suho. It had gone without saying to always leave that seat open.
——
They all stayed as long as they could, but tomorrow was a school day again, one with a small test at that, meaning they had to actually study a bit. They all stood up, saying their goodbyes.
Before Hyuntak could slip out though, Suho grabbed his wrist. His gaze, previously light and more than happy, was suddenly very intense. Sieun, who was holding the door open for him, looked between them again, with the same indecipherable look. Then he closed the door.
Suho's jaw sat tight, his eyebrows furrowed, and his mouth was settled in a line. But most of all, his eyes were full of…
Desperation.
Or at least something aching to it was written all over his face. Clearly trying to ask something but incapable of forming a word.
“Are you.. are you sure?”
Hyuntak knew that feeling all too well. This desperate need to know something. Or rather to know SOMEONE. And while he could only give a cheap copy of an answer at best and false hope at worst, he was sure he knew Sieun enough by now to know he was right about this. But then again, he had clearly never been good at detecting how much someone was in lo-
So he settled for something in between:
„You have time. Just don’t waste it.“
Like I did.
He didn’t say.
Mostly cause he wasn’t sure whether he wasted more time on trying to make someone want him, who didn’t want him, or more on missing said someone, now that he knows he didn’t. Didn’t want him. Complicated. Never a good sign.
But Suho and Sieun were different. Their relationship was based on mutual adoration and care. Whereas him and … well, they had barely been anything, let alone a relationship. Certainly not one based on such noble causes: Their blood had mixed more often than their spit. Bruises more often than not unclear of origin: A punch? Or a kiss?
„You too.“
Suho's voice, though barely a whisper, once again ripped him out of memories. Of course, he could read it all on his face.
Hyuntak has been cursed with an expressive face: Every emotion could be read by a stranger, let alone by his friends. His coaches in either sports have reprimanded him time and time again to not let his anger show too much. But it was all for nought. He tried not to think of all the times it has caused him trouble - especially with..
He has GOT to stop thinking about him. He hasn’t even seen him since the rooft- well NOONE has seen him since the big fight.
Suho's eyes were full of demanding kindness. A hint to take his own damn advice. But this was so different. Suho's kindness was misplaced. Cause how could he ever explain this complicated nothingness they had been? And besides:
It was over.
Nobody had to know about it.
Cause `It` had been nothing.
So nothing had happened.
No one needed to know about it back then, and they certainly don’t need to know now.
Not even Baku had known. Especially not Baku.
The only ones who knew were himself and … well himself. After all, he was the only one, who had, - the only one who still …
`Wanted` was such a funny word.
It described nothing. It described everything. It's useless without action. It's sometimes the only thing you can do.
Hyuntak had never known ´wanting´ without ´reaching´.
He let out a huff at the thought. Or maybe at the ridiculousness of the advice being aimed at him of all people.
That's what he had always thought: They had time. They'd fool around forever. He could take things as slow as - well, it didn't matter what he had needed or not. Cause he hadn´t even wanted it.
So there was really no need to open old wounds.
He looked back at Suho, whose face had softened into a small but supportive smile.
But perhaps that was what Suho was referring to: Letting the past go. Cause he was certainly wasting time on not doing that too. On constantly wondering how it all could’ve gone down differently.
The Union. If they never would have recruited actual kids. Seriously, what kind of asshole of an adult targeted high schoolers ? Middle schoolers ?
Baekjin. If he had listened to Baku instead. Chosen him instead. How much heartbreak that could have saved them all from.
Keum Seongje. Everything else. Nothing that was important in the grand schemes of things. Except to Hyuntak. Cause even if he tended to cringe away at any and all things romantic, he knew he had never been one to let go of love easily.
And there it was.
The word he has always tried to avoid. Cause with all that hadn't happened, you really couldn’t describe it like that at all.
„I won´t.“ He promised.
And finally, he slipped out the door, ignoring his friends' questioning looks.