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I stand here now, staring at the now closed door smiling at me. Its wings mocked me from shadows only I could see behind my eyes.
You stepped back into the shadows, but at the end of your tunnel, there's a gentle light and arms there to catch you when you need them. You always found a way, no matter how darkness covered you, to crawl through that tunnel to find a light. Any light. You always did this.
Its been 5 days. 5 very long days.
I'm stand here now, my back turned to the door, its smile opening to a ravenous maw behind me.
The shadows embraced me. They never always did, but now it's comforting. The world gets too loud, too bright, too much. It feels better to shut it out and sit in the dark, alone, with nothing but the sound of my breathing and the beating of my heart.
My heart is in the balloon.
My heart is not my own anymore.
I could explain it, but it hurt more than it should. It would hurt more than it already does.
The darkness is my home. I used to be afraid, but after a while, my fear ran out. My tears had run dry, and now I was left to wonder around, waiting for the end to take me like it was prophesied to.
Deep within the balloon, the heart flickered red.
It was no longer my heart. Hadn't been. Its light had shown through the darkness, but it shown its own light. It was a light for those around it, for those it was destined to save.
That red light was not mine. Not anymore.
The red faded finally.
My lips stretched open. I felt air escape my chest, a breath I was holding in this entire time jolting my body forwards. I caught myself barely, the loud resonance of my shoes protesting against the laminate floor not enough to bring light.
Slowly, I lowered to my knees. I wanted the pain of the hallway floor to hit my bones on hard impact, but I was not done with yet. So, carefully, my knees planted themselves as softly as I could manage.
I was trembling. This wasn't new.
The intensity, however, was new.
I wrapped the balloon's string around my hand as tight as I could. The skin would turn purple, but I hoped that could help with it all.
Hope... Hope... Hope.
There was nothing I could do to hope for anything else.
My fate was sealed. I was willing to see an end at this point. Any end. Any end that would finish the beginning's mark.
The shadows licked at me. I let them. I could see lights behind my eyelids, and I blackened my sights further to catch their hues better.
Pink and yellow. Yellow and pink.
I was reminded of the flower. The gold one. Its stem sliced, barely holding on with the hopes that maybe it could live and dream again, even with her hazardous tape job.
I was reminded of the figurine. How conflicted it was about its new autonomy. How complex its wishes were, soul and body, and how easily they found a steady middle ground.
I was reminded of a pair of glasses. Dancing microphone hands. A smile, decorated white with shining knives and bright eyes. Yellow and pink.
My body lunched. The hole grew. My skin felt dry and wet and hot and cold all at once. I felt my breathing stop, start up slow, quicken in an instant, then stop again. I could see my hands change from soft human skin to something green and gangly and rotten.
I wondered if thats really what I looked like on the inside. Not a shining ball of light, hidden away to be found in the dark with hope... But instead a corpse living in its own melted skin, hoping to be released from its prison and finally rest.
My chest pounded. The empty hole grew bigger. It was eating me up from the inside.
Before I had taken it. Sat with the hole and let it take me. I had let it turn me into a puddle of nothing but dusty remains. No skin, no bones. Just something to be carried in the wind's merciful hands to be forgotten about.
That was before. Before was before.
My fingers snatched the balloon from above. Skin sticked against the latex exterior, fingers piercing into its delicate flesh.
I wanted out, but it needed in.
I wanted freedom, but it needed a cage.
I was a cage... And it had all the freedom. Always had, always did, and always will.