Work Text:
Perceptor disliked meetings. They were always held by mechs who had no idea how his lab worked, and no appreciation for the time and care he took in his experiments.
“Thank you for joining us,” said Ultra Magnus. He, Rodimus, and Drift sat on one side of a very large table.
Perceptor sat on the other. “Hrmm.”
“We'd like to speak to you today about your inefficiencies,” said Ultra Magnus.
“My what?” The stress mod First Aid had installed in Perceptor's chest pinged a warning.
“Your inefficiencies,” said Ultra Magnus. “Every time we need something done and it takes longer than the routing time says it should, I append a late code to your communications.” He gestured to a mountain of data pads. “However, routing time is but one of the ways to capture the time you spend on experiments. Surely there are other ways.”
“What're you doing all day in that lab?” asked Rodimus. “It's expensive to run, you know!”
“My work!” said Perceptor. “The work you give me!”
“We need to quantify these inefficiencies so we can see what patterns emerge,” said Ultra Magnus. “Then we can identify the opportunities for improvement. I know the labor tracking app implementation hasn't gone as smoothly as we would have liked...”
“The labor tracking app you gave me doesn't fit my needs,” Perceptor said. “You want me to 'sign in' to each machine when I use it, but I often use more than one machine at the same time, and there are no codes for simultaneous usages.”
“Correct,” said Ultra Magnus. “According to Accounting, you can't be doing more than one thing at a time.”
“Who's Accounting?” asked Perceptor.
“Toaster,” said Rodimus.
“But Toaster doesn't know anything about labs! He works in the kitchen!” said Perceptor.
“Tut tut,” said Rodimus. “We made him Accounting so he's Accounting. And Accounting says you can't do simultaneous work.”
“But that's the most efficient way to do my work,” said Perceptor. “I've invited you multiple times to the lab to see the way the complex processes flow, but you've never come by.”
“Oh, we don't need to see your work to understand it,” said Drift. “We get the vibes.”
Ultra Magnus and Rodimus nodded sagely.
“But— you give me impossible problems to solve. Quantum engines, time travel! These things require studious—”
“Can't you use AI?” asked Drift.
“Ooh!” said Rodimus. “Yeah!” He tapped the able. “AI. Put AI in it.”
“In what?” said Perceptor. “What AI? What are you talking about?”
“To make it go faster,” said Drift.
“Faster is good,” said Rodimus. “It makes things more efficient.”
“That's not a guaranteed correlation!” said Perceptor. The stress mod pinged more urgently. “I am beholden to the laws of chemistry and physics. Faster processing is impossible with some of the chemical—”
“No, no,” said Rodimus. “We don't accept impossible. 'Impossible' is for mechs that haven't tried hard enough!”
“You're right!” said Drift. “Do you know what we need? A trystorming session.”
Ultra Magnus nodded and Rodimus said, “Yes! YES!”
“What the fuck is trystorming,” said Perceptor.
“It's when you rapid-fire come up with ideas!” said Drift. “Try hard, fail early!”
“Synergize!” said Drift.
“Quantify!” said Ultra Magnus.
“Big words!” said Rodimus. “Now it's your turn.”
“Do you mean brainstorming??” said Perceptor. “Brainstorm ideas?”
“No, we already talked to him,” said Rodimus. “His efficiencies are fine.”
“That's because he lies on the labor tracking app,” said Perceptor. “He built a dismembered hand to type in a task every three minutes.”
“Ha ha,” said Rodimus sarcastically. “Accounting says his numbers are perfect. Trystorm again.”
“I just—“ Perceptor's hands curled into fists under the table. “Can you give me an example of a time my work was inefficient?”
“No,” said Rodimus. “You have to tell us why you're inefficient.”
“Because the labor app says you are,” said Drift.
The stress mod went ballistic.
“Do you need more late codes?” said Ultra Magnus. “What late codes do you need?”
Perceptor stood. “I am leaving now.”
“But we haven't finished trystorming!” said Rodimus. “Get back here or you're fired!”
“Fired from what?” asked Perceptor. “Solving all your problems for you? Doing all the actual work? Fuck off.” He stormed out of the room.
“Rude,” said Drift.
“Do you think...” Rodimus screwed up his face, thinking hard. It hurt his processor. “Do you think he might... have a point?”
“About what?” asked Ultra Magnus.
“About Toaster being Accounting, about us never going to his lab to see how he works, about how the labor app doesn't fit his process flow?” He swallowed. “About how trystorming is really brainstorming?”
The three mechs in leadership looked thoughtfully into the distance.
“Nah,” they said in unison.