Archive of Our Own

It’s strange how someone who shared your days for years can vanish from your routine overnight. Suddenly, anything can be no longer part of your daily life. It’s been a month since everything fell apart but instead of feeling broken, Euijoo finally feels free.

That saying about we prepare the person for the next one might perhaps be true, but deep down Euijoo doesn't care much about it. He doesn't mind thinking about the person who was in his life, if it feels better with the next rather when they were with him or not. If the person becomes better afterwards and not when they're together, what would be the point?

It might sound overabundant, but he didn't feel like something happened between these days into this faded affair, he feels better now cause it ilight something already dorment in him. He believes every relationship shapes us into who we are meant to be, in that case, it shapped him who he already was, which is why he holds no regrets. He didn't become the better person for it, in it. If all, he became worst.

It took only one month to realize this "'union'' was just really a shadow that couldn't replace the real thing. When every single day of dating is spent thinking about everything and someone else, the truth becomes unavoidable. His heart was somewhere else entirely, and his reality finally caught up to it.

Euijoo never intended to replace what was real; he was incapable of that, he didn't want that. He became capable of realize the deepths of his own reasons after and that's why he faced the breakup with a smile. Only then he became capable of understands his own mind and that is exactly what lead him to realize his heart was not in sync with his reality. It never truly was.

Anxiety weighed heavily on Euijoo’s mind. What started as a desperate effort to brush off his buried desires had quickly spiraled. He couldn't shake the sudden, terrifying realization that these forbidden thoughts actually felt good, leaving him entirely torn between what was right and what was wrong. At first, he thought about this all being a sexual tension thing only, he knew what his body couldn't hide, but only then — only then — he found out what his mind and heart already knew. Now it might sound redundant and selfish starting a relationship because of it and call it a reason and then leaving it complaining under a moral lesson of a ''better person''. These actions makes him a fool of himself.

But don't get him wrong. Euijoo held a fierce, almost desperate faith in people and in what all relationships could or should be. He was hoping for the best while then as he would wish for rewrite the manic architecture of his own mind, drowning out his lascivious feelings. He realized then how he truly felt tangled up for someone else, and that’s why he is so thankful for.

How was he even supposed to handle a situation like this?

Most people jumped into romance out of loneliness, for the social status or just for the sake of it. In his case, a boyfriend had never been part of the plan, it just happened. In the beginning, the distractions of this past ordinary relationship managed to muffle his own compulsive thoughts, but as the quiet arosing, unsettling feeling began to stir in his mind, everything shifted. It became the very place where those thoughts grew constant, powerful and agonizing, and it all came down to just one person.

Nicholas.

Everything led back to Nicholas.

Is it wrong to think?

Unlike everything else, Nicholas was a concrete, constant presence, a structure that never collapsed, even in their darkest moments. Being near him makes Euijoo feels better. In fact, Euijoo could never imagine becoming a better version of himself after Nicholas than the version he is when they're together; even when Nicholas is a living hell in his life. They haven't known each other for as many years friendships materialize and solidify in general, yet Euijoo always felt as if their souls had met long before their bodies did. To him, their connection was a beautiful anomaly.

They had clicked instantly and that’s a fact that never ceased to surprise him, given how vastly different they appeared on the surface. Underneath it all, they shared a rare, wordless shorthand. Nicholas and Euijoo are comprehensives of each other, whether it was a complex situation or a subtle shift in mood, and it is funny to know, to the rest of the world they both look like two people who hates each other and misscomunicate a lot. Euijoo always found that hilarious, knowing that the world mistook their bickering for genuine hostility when it was actually their own affectionate brand.

On top of that, Nicholas was a catalyst for his self-discovery, unearthing traits Euijoo never knew he possessed — like this sudden penchant for teasing. He had never been the type to bicker but magically, around Nicholas, he became one. And isn't a trait he could share with just anyone; it belongs to Nicholas and Nicholas alone. Whenever he tried to replicate that same energy and behavior with someone else, the "trigger" completely vanished. With anyone else, this type of connection felt forced like a dull, hollow imitation that only served to remind him of what was missing. What came so effortlessly with Nicholas simply wouldn’t catch spark with another soul. It made Euijoo wonder if Nicholas held a secret key, unlocking a dormant corner of his mind that even he hadn't known existed.

Why the hell would Euijoo suddenly want to be driven to the peak of disagreement just for fun?

The result was always greater than his capacity to be coherent in those situations. Teasing Nicholas meant earning a cascade of sharp glances, lingering smiles and effortless retaliation from him. That cheeky, provocative streak was simply woven into who Nicholas was and their dynamic had always thrived on that mutual friction. Unpretentiously, they molded into one another, like two mismatched puzzle pieces that formed a perfect fit. Euijoo could always count on Nicholas to counter whatever he said just to poke at him and, in return, Nicholas would found a Euijoo who refused to trade words to tease his need to speak. By that, instead, he would simply holds Nicholas's gaze and stir down his boldness, leaving him entirely speechless. And more often than not, Nicholas would retreat behind a smile, averting his eyes when he gets shy.

It is playful, genuine. It makes Euijoo hard.

Like… stress has this funny way of heightening desire, his brain easily mistake the surge of adrenaline for pure arousal. It is natural, but Euijoo lives in a state of constant, suffocating stress. Nicholas had become Euijoo's ultimate pressure valve. Its really hard, sometimes. To stretch those moments even more, Euijoo would deliberately lean into the unexpected, pushing Nicholas's buttons just to watch the tension build. He would let the bicker linger until the chemical rush in his own veins blur his logic and his body surrender to a violent, escalating heat; especially when Nicholas breaks his eye contact entirely, as his voice rushes into a non-stop chatter to camouflage his sudden shyness, Euijoo found it painfully charming and sexy.

Even then, there was no escaping how deeply it affected him. If anything, it makes him go wilder.

Until then, Euijoo didn't find himself admitting that Nicholas left him on the verge of pure delirium. In many moments, he surrendered to the violent heat alone in his room, touching himself lost in imagination without barriers and guilt, and every time it hits it seemed to be stronger and more powerful than the last. Until then, Euijoo hadn't truly admitted to himself how Nicholas made his insides burn, twist and knot far beyond his own desire to have him. It wasn’t just about the physical pull anymore. Somewhere along the way, Euijoo’s feelings had shifted, cascade. He was getting crazier not only by lust, but by something more profound.

He found himself tracing it back to the subtle things, like the way an electric silence always seemed to fill the space between them the second their laughter died down, with Nicholas's eyes locking onto his, or how Nicholas would smile so softly in those brief seconds when he thought Euijoo wasn't looking. Watching him, Euijoo couldn't help but wonder himself if it was so wrong to imagine, but no matter how deeply Nicholas affected him, Euijoo never crossed the line. Besides being happy after the break up, he was also afraid of this unknow territory. He met every thought with calculated silence, choosing to bury those feelings instead.

On one hand, he was afraid to loose Nicholas’s authentic side, he wanted to protect the fragile normalcy of his behavior around him. One the other, another, deeper part of him knew he would be incapable to hide the intensity of his feelings if he surrenders to such an explosive rush of physical pleasure. But his assumptions about Nicholas kept falling apart as well, replaced by reactions that felt real in his head, as if, somehow, Euijoo was pulling at his strings, too.

The moment Euijoo’s new relationship became a rumor, the reaction caught in Nicholas's eyes left a lingering ache in his chest. Over the next two weeks, Nicholas seemed trapped in a shell of introversion. He seemed to became a ghost of himself by answering in vague mutters, being easily distracted and deeply distant, as if a physical pain had settled into his senses, making him feel hollow. He was no longer fully there, not in his own mind, drifting out of his own skin, out of the universe they shared. Out of them. Out of Euijoo's. The eyes never lie, or so they said, but how could Euijoo trust the that dubius truth when his own mind twisted every glance into a product of his own delusion?

Is there exist a border between his temptation and his reason?

It was a desperate wish, a desperate hope that Nicholas desired him just as fiercely as Euijoo craved him. He felt trapped, unable to separate reality from the fiction he manufactured in his head.

More than once, Euijoo had been on the verge of telling Nicholas everything, but the courage always dissolved into doubt. Was it real, genuine flirting, or was it just their usual teasing? Was it really flirting or this teasing ''thing'' they had which confused his head and his feelings, his state of mind? That's why Euijoo chose silence. And it wasn't hard to pretend, really. Not when Nicholas was Nicholas – ridiculously beautiful, effortlessly charismatic, cute and sexy all at once, possessesor of a dangerous charm that makes Euijoo want to twrow himself at him. It wasn't that hard, considering Nicholas was also his best friend, a constant presence so familiar and domestic. It wasn't hard at all... to realize Euijoo feelings had always been entwine to Nicholas.

The undeniable sync he shared with Nicholas was something Euijoo only truly understood afterwards, as it became an impossible hurdle the moment he tried unconsciously compare that same connection with another person. He had to learn the hard way that true affinity isn't something you can simply choose to have, cultivate or build, no matter how much time you pour into it. The electric exchange of energy between him and Nicholas didn't ask for permission, didn't require planning or effort, it simply existed, effortless and alive.

Euijoo hadn't twirl over how he truly feels about Nicholas until he was forced to face this reality, that his connection with him affected his senses beyond the dynamic, messing with his feeling and peace of mind. Nicholas is a master at breaking through Euijoo’s facade and crawling right under his skin. Its insufruating. Euijoo hates how he could read Euijoo perfectly, and Euijoo loathed how vulnerable it made him feel. Even more when he is jealous; a truth he would rather die than admit out loud, let alone to Nicholas himself.

How could he ever forget that day? Driven by the crushing stress of their daily lives, they had sought refuge in a crowded club, a blur of warm bodies and deafening music, meant to drown out their frustrations. It was supposed to be a distraction. Instead of release, Euijoo found a painful reaction. He watched, throat tightening, as Nicholas exchanged lingering looks and smiles with a stranger, looking at them the exact same way he looked at Euijoo. The sheer weight of the jealousy hit him like a physical blow, bringing him to the verge of tears. The bitterness in his chest grew, nourished by a subconscious dread. What if Nicholas eventually feels this heavy, consuming emotion? What if he felt it, but not for Euijoo? The thought of Nicholas looking at someone else that way was paralyzing. It didn't just break his heart; it turned his stomach. He threw up his insides that day and cried.

He blames Nicholas for his existence the same way he is grateful for it. Nicholas just edges him a lot. Everyone wanted a piece of him; of his warmth, his effortless sensuality and magnetic charisma. The problem, on top of all that, was how effortlessly he drew every eye in the room, commanding attention with his height, sharp features, body, style, and at how devastatingly authentic and spontaneous he could be. But the biggest problem of all was that Nicholas wasn't in Euijoo’s shoes; he could never look at himself from the outside and feel the crushing weight of his own effect.

That chemistry between them was palpable everywhere, extending far beyond their daily interactions, killing Euijoo reasonable mind to admit it. The raw energy between them was entirely different, a force that eclipsed his everything and anyone completely and he was entirely powerless against this need, utterly consumed by Nicholas and everything they did together. He always wondered what would happen if he and Nicholas just stopped fighting it, give in to the pull with him to finally breaking down the wall that separated their friendship from something much deeper.

Was it wrong to let his mind go there? To picture what it would be like if they just gave in, letting the raw chemistry between them take over?

He tortured himself with the thought of how kissing Nicholas would be like, of exactly how it would make him feel. Just imagining it left him trapped in the same intoxicating rush as their daily provocations, with a wave of heat in his groin and a racing heart. He honestly thought about dying. Maybe he would die if he ever kiss Nicholas. It will definitely kill him.

Euijoo became unable to stop his thoughts about what it would be like and the possibility of it happening, and all of this because of Nicholas. Of course, everything was always Nicholas's fault. It was his infuriating tactics and that sharp tongue of his that drove Euijoo to madness into first place, making him imagine what it would be like to finally give in to his impulses. He wanted to lurch, trap him by the throat to stop the words and smash their lips together to prove a point. Of course… to prove a point: Nicholas was far more bearable when he wasn't winning the argument. To prove a point, that Nicholas is better when he isn't completely right.

To prove Nicholas a point, that he is better when he is with him and not with someone else.

Naturally, it would be strictly to win the argument. Not because Nicholas could make his pulse skyrocket and send even a tinish feverish shiver across his skin until his thoughts went completely blurry.

Euijoo was falling for him, deeper than he ever thought possible. And yes, he was a little afraid. He knows he can't just live wondering himself about what would happen if he loses him mind, what will happen if he crosses that line.

Was it really so wrong to want this badly?

He couldn't help but wonder if giving in would truly ruin everything they had. The yearning was a physical ache, chewing at him from the inside out. Euijoo was trapped right there, suspended between the terrifying risk of making a mistake and the desperate, suffocating need to know. But he was tired of being mute about it. He craved the truth of whether Nicholas secretly lusted over him too.

More than that, he needed to know if Nicholas spent his own quiet nights awake, dreaming of falling in love with him, too. He just needed to know.

[...]

It is a winter night, Nicholas summoned him to his house under the pretext of Euijoo "supposedly" downfall, despite it being two weeks since his breakup. It had become Nicholas’s favorite excuse lately, inviting him over with the same casual argument:

"I have to look out for you, Juju, whether you want me to or not. What kind of friend would I be if I let you cry over anyone who isn't me? Unacceptable."

Sure it is. Unacceptable. Euijoo agrees. That's how he found himself arriving at Nicholas's small apartment again, a space already as deeply familiar to him as Nicholas’s own scent and presence. Sinking onto the couch, Euijoo let out an audible sigh with a faint, helpless smile tugging at his lips.

"What is that?" Nicholas appeared from the hallway, stepping around the couch to sit beside him, holding two pillows in hand.

A wider smile is present across Euijoo’s face now, seeing him, already under the Nicholas effect. Euijoo meets his gaze.

"What do you mean by "that"?" He asks.

Nicholas stared back at him as if the mere sight of Euijoo sitting on his couch, smiling for no apparent reason, was the most ridiculous thing in the world. He couldn't hide his judgments overwall, even if he tried; his facial expressions were always far too honest. Yet, in this exact moment, the exaggeration was deliberate, on purpose.

"That smile right there!", Nicholas said, voice dropping teatratics, smiling devastatingly as well, "Told you i need to keep you close. I’ve barely been away and you’ve already doping yourself."

Doping. The word lingered in the air. Euijoo certainly feels high, but he knew exactly what kind of drug was rushing through his veins right now and sure it wasn't a substance.

"You know I don’t do that." Euijoo blurts out slowly, choosing to respond instead.

"Do I?" Nicholas fakes a serious expression now, arching a single eyebrow, throwing the question back at him like a silent dare and Euijoo is certainly starting to feel that gradual need feeling in his bones.

He tried then to focus on the way he looked instead with his freshly washed hair, tips brushing against his eyelids. Nicholas had never been more beautiful. Euijoo loved the polished, high-fashion versions of him, loved his self-produced charm, but this raw, unfiltered version was his peak, his particular absolute favorite. He took a secret, quiet pride in knowing that this side of Nicholas belonged almost exclusively to him.

Nicholas wore a black shirt that contrasted perfectly with his pink pajama shorts, a combination that made his skin stand out, drawing Euijoo’s eyes straight to his legs. The length didn't leave much to the imagination and Euijoo felt that sudden familiar, dazing shift in the air. He already knew every single inch of Nicholas's body just from days of quiet observation, save for the most intimate parts, but the sheer weight of this visceral longing was messing with his mind again, registering in his body long before his brain could catch up. Stronger than him. And it's all Nicholas's fault.

Euijoo was abruptly snapped out of his thoughts when he realized Nicholas had drifted closer, sitting right by his side now, their shoulders nearly brushing, staring up at him with wide, curious eyes.

​"Earth to juju~" Nicholas teased, tilting his head like a stirrer cat. He is close. Euijoo can smell his addicting perfume and feel the heat radiating of his body.

The stare brings a flush crept up Euijoo's neck. He hadn't realized his daydreaming had been quite so obvious again, and sure didn't count on this curret state by minimum interaction. It's just surprising, every time. He is sure becoming lunatic. Nicholas crowded into his space, sitting by his side as if the sprawling sofa didn't have plenty of room to spare.

​"I know you liked my shorts," He says, dropping his voice casually, though his eyes danced with amusement, "You should see me without them one day. It's even better."

​Euijoo's brain short-circuited for a split second. Of course he would say that. Of course he would know how to pull his already maniacal strings.

"Don't flatter yourself," Euijoo shot back, rolling his eyes as he tried to ignore the warmth in his cheeks, "Besides, pink just makes you look even paler."

Lies. Nicholas then makes a fake disappoint sound, rolling his eyes too, before turning his gaze back toward the blank TV screen. But there it was, that damn, beautiful, silent smug stretching across his lips.

​"And you still have the nerve to say you're not giving in to your vices." Nicholas blurts out.

Vices. The most thing Euijoo want in his life right is to give himself into them. His head is spinning from inside out. The sharp contrast between his gentle smile and his heavy words ignits that usual fire in Euijoo’s chest, forcing him to shift uncomfortably on the couch to distract the feeling.

"By the way, you should change your clothes too. It's not cool for me seeing you in jeans when I'm wearing shorts. I like legs too, you know." Nicholas ads. 

Of course. To hell with his casual flirting. And to hell with that stupid devastating smile that came with it. Euijoo just can't take it anymore. He want it so bad, it hurts him physically. He is aware of his hammering pulse, the cocky smile lingering on Nicholas’s face and the dangerous proximity of their bodies. He was entirely done fighting it against it. They had been in this exact position a thousand times before, but tonight he wanted something to change. He wanted to give in, to completely abandon the thought of consequences and surrender to the heat flushing beneath his skin.

To finally push back against Nicholas’s teasing intentionally, to crack him and himself.

Yielding to pure impulse, Euijoo lunged forward, closing the minimal gap before his mind could stop him. Nicholas didn't flinch, his eyes wide and locked onto Euijoo’s. Feeling the whisper of his breath against his lips, utterly determined to shatter the balance between them, Euijoo now is challenging him, softly.

"And if I don't want to, what are you going to do about it?" He asks in a low suggestive voice.

For a fraction of a second, he believes to see its Nicholas’s composure cracking by the sudden flush coloring his cheeks and eyes trembling a bit. Frozen, but certainly feeling bolder than ever, Euijoo tracked the way Nicholas’s eyes dipped down to his lips before flashing back up. And instead of backing down, Nicholas leans in and inch more, almost touching their lips.

He manages to turn his head then into Euijoo’s neck. His breath close and hot against Euijoo's ear.

​"Nothing." Nicholas replys, sounding tempting and provocative.

Bastard.

Nicholas’s usual smirk softened into a wide, dazzling grin. It was infuriating indeed, how he always managed to turn the tables, but something about that particular alluring attitude felt less like a challenge and more like an invitation. Instead of his typical fast-paced banter to piss Euijoo’s off, to make Euijoo bicker and respond to then looks away and laugh, he chose to meet the provocation with a plain, quiet response. Could his mind be playing tricks and messing with his senses again?

His heart hammered a frantic rhythm against his ribs while that sharp, deeply heat blossoms lower down. To hell with Nicholas and Euijoo's body-mind control, always completely unfazed. To hell with his eerie, mind-reading tendencies, effortlessly laying bare every single one of Euijoo's intentions. And to hell with himself for letting him shatter his resolve so completely. He is not able to control himself to wonder still if Nicholas's cool exterior was really nothing but a front. It just… cannot be. Euijoo knows its not. He must know it is not. He feel it too. It's just so tangible for him not to feel.

Would be possible Nicholas was acting on it because he knew Euijoo was entirely caught in his web? Did Nicholas knew the real effect of him in his body?

Something in the way Nicholas's gaze sharpened, turning dark and predatory, made Euijoo swallow hard. He forced himself not to look away, his eyes burning from the intensity while the sharp tang of Nicholas's cologne sent a wave of illicit images rushing through his head immediately. Nicholas then shift a little on the couch, just like Euijoo earlier, and that movement that didn't go unnoticed. Despite the dizzying proximity of their faces, Euijoo couldn't help his eyes flicker downward.

His gaze drop, tracking down to where Nicholas sat restless beside him, only to catch sight of the unmistakable bulge pressing against the fabric of his shorts.

​Bastard.

So he wasn't as unfazed as he wanted Euijoo to think. He wasn't unfazed as Euijoo’s thought him to be. That reality elevates his pride of knowing. When Euijoo snapped his eyes back up, Nicholas caught him looking. The faint pink that had touched his cheeks earlier erupted, a deep flush crescendo rapidly across his neck and all the way to his ears. Driven by the visceral wave of all that emotion, Euijoo let go of his remaining restraint. He leaned in and breaks the final barrier between them, pressing his lips to Nicholas’s in a quick unpretentious, but entirely deliberate, peck.

The contact sent a jolt of electricity straight to his core. It was brief, a mere tasting of Nicholas’s soft lips, but it did made his entire universe tilt.

He pulled away by the sudden reaction of his own body, even as his soul craved more; even as a desperate, curious determination urged him to surrender entirely to the flames now consuming his existence. The sheer shock of that sensation dragged him back to a sharp pocket of reality. There. It was actually Nicholas right in front of him. He had actually just pressed his lips against his.

​Euijoo had kissed Nicholas.

​Had Nicholas felt it too? Had he felt the same electric shock reverberated through him too? Was all of this just a fleeting moment of bliss, a wave of wishful thinking that had conquered Euijoo before he could even try to fight it? ​

The kiss had been over in a flash, so fast he barely realized his eyes were still closed as his mind wander inward, as his body is focus entirely on the electric vibrations rushing through his veins.

​But then, there was Nicholas.

​Nicholas, right in front of him.

As Euijoo slowly opened his eyes, he was met with a pair of bright, intense eyes looking right back at him. They were staring intently, astonished. His racing heart quickened even more the moment their gazes locked as Nicholas's eyes drops to Euijoo's lips like a silent, desperate plea. Euijoo is hyper-aware of Nicholas every apparent nerve and reaction coming out of him, and he sees it whe he part his lips as if about to speak but no words come out. Instead, as if he is trapped in trance, he watches as Nicholas slowly reached up to touch his own lower lip with his fingers; like he, somehow, wanted to crave a lingering feeling in his lips. Nicholas is static, looking at him with eyes wide open, fingers still touching his lips carefully.

The silence stretched between them, heavy and thick. Euijoo found himself completely paralyzed again. He had no idea if they had been standing there for seconds or minutes. Trying to go against the thought now in conflict with desire and will, he forces himself to face the situation, thinking of what to say instead of kissing him again. But there isn't much room to expand his sudden insecurities and uncertainties when Nicholas quickly approaches his face in a fast motion, sealing their lips again just as Euijoo did, but with two experimental pecks.

And nothing is said.

One hand finds its way into the strands of hair at the nape of his neck as the other can be noticed and felt on his shirt, gripping his collar, and the moment he feels Nicholas bunching his shirt between his fingers with more force, Euijoo seals their lips in a real kiss, with more strength and intensity. Nicholas held Euijoo tightly, anchoring him as if he might slip away at any moment, his other hand tangled deep into his hair, pulling back with a firm, grounding pressure. Their kiss was slow and burning, a perfectly coordinated rhythm that mirrored the effortless sync of their personalities.

Nicholas tasted of hurricane, thunder, addiciton, necessity, sweet and blissful, entirely intoxicating. When his teeth caught Euijoo’s lower lip in a lewd tug, an involuntary groan escaped Euijoo's throat. The pull sent a subtle tremor through his body, causing him to sway foward slightly as his hand slid from Nicholas’s thigh to grip his hip, anchoring them even closer. Nicholas held him with a desperate kind of force, but it was exactly what Euijoo craved. Seeking a closer touch, Euijoo slipped his fingers beneath Nicholas's shirt, eager for the warmth of his bare skin. It was only then that he realized Nicholas’s hand had shifted, too—no longer gripping the fabric of his shirt, but resting flat against his chest.

​A wave of sudden panic washed over Euijoo again. Right beneath Nicholas's palm, his heart was hammering wildly, racing out of control. The realization that Nicholas could feel every frantic beat left him exposed, hovering on the fragile edge of a total breakdown. In the heat of the moment, it would be easy to blame the frantic rhythm on the adrenaline and endorphins exploding through his senses. But a deeper panic clawed at Euijoo: what if Nicholas realized this wasn't just about physical attraction? What if he read the deeper truth hidden in those wild beats? Pulled under by the sudden rush of anxiety, Euijoo broke the kiss again, pulling himself back. Nicholas let out a low, frustrated grunt at the sudden loss of contact, his voice dropping to a rough murmur.

​"Juju," Nicholas’s voice sounds erotic, it makes him shiver. Euijoo is looking and seeing him like this—flushed, the tip of his nose tinged pink, lips swollen from the kiss—he instantly regrets pulling away.

To hell with Nicholas. To hell with all of this.

​"Euijoo, you're thinking too much." Nicholas murmured.

​Yes, I'm thinking too much, I know I am. I'm crazy. You drive me crazy.

​Nicholas knew him as intimately as his own body. Of course he had noticed the anxious spiral spinning in Euijoo’s head, bleeding into the sudden stiffness of his movements. Right on cue, that familiar ache kicked hard in Euijoo's chest again. Maybe everything would be easier if Nicholas weren't so pathetically Nicholas.

But then, Nicholas wouldn't be Nicholas.

There was a compelling irony in it. Euijoo was the overthinker trying to act by emotion, and Nicholas was the one who usually moved on pure impulse. Yet not in this situation. Even though Nicholas had been the one to nudge Euijoo past his initial hesitation, he was waiting now. That pace was evident in the way he waited, holding himself back with a agonizingly sweet patience, giving Euijoo all the space he needed to move or answer. He didn't pressure him, even though beads of sweat were forming on his forehead and his erection was pressing a heavy, unmistakable presence against Euijoo’s thigh.

​"Sorry." Euijoo managed to whisper, the word barely catching in his throat.

​In response, Nicholas simply offered him another one of his soft, understanding smiles, melting away the lingering panic. But the gentle, welcoming warmth was being instantly replaced by a raw, lascivious edge in his eyes and voice as he leaned in until his lips brushed the shell of Euijoo’s ear again, kissing and biting him there; his breath arriving in hot, provocative, combined with his lips sending a violent shiver straight down Euijoo’s spine as every inch of his radiating body seemed to press closer, crowding out the rest of the world.

​"Kiss me again and don't stop," Nicholas speaks against his skin, the words a low, tantalizing friction, "Then... maybe I'll forgive you."

​At by that, the last of Euijoo's control shattered. The agonizing tightness in his pants clawed at him, a desperate, throbbing ache so intense it bordered on pain. Maddening still how perfectly Nicholas understood the inner workings of his mind even in a situation like that, knowing exactly which wires to pull and what to say to completely undo him. It was always precisely what Euijoo needed to hear.

​Seeking to close the agonizing gap between them, Euijoo shifted his weight, his hands sliding to grip Nicholas’s thighs as he moved. Now, they were completely face-to-face. Nicholas was sprawled back against the cushions of the couch, his legs parted just enough to anchor Euijoo tightly in the space between them.

​Bracing one hand firmly against the sofa for balance, Euijoo leaned down into Nicholas's space, gravity pulling him toward the heat of him until he finally captured his lips once more. This time, the kiss was driven by pure intense urgency—needier, sloppier, a desperate tangle of tongues and slick heat. Euijoo brought his free hand up to grip Nicholas’s face, taking control and guiding the rhythm with fierce precision. The angle allowed him to shift forward, embedding his hips tightly against Nicholas and as their bodies collided, a heavy, synchronized groan was dragged from the back of their throats at the sudden delicious friction.

​Answering the pressure, Nicholas locked his legs around Euijoo’s waist, pulling him even closer. He hooked his fingers deeply into the waistband of his pants, anchoring him there while his other hand remained tangled in Euijoo’s hair, pulling him down into the heat of the collision. It was a calculated move on Nicholas’s part. The sharp tug on the fabric only made Euijoo's pants restrict him further, pressing mercilessly against his erection, making him spams.

​If Euijoo didn’t know him so intimately, he might have missed it the subtle truth, that this move wasn't just about mutual pleasure. It was a tactical strike, designed to break his defenses down piece by piece until he was completely disarmed. Because it's Nicholas, and Nicholas always want to banter him. But Euijoo refused to break. He couldn't allow Nicholas to silence him now. ​To surrender to his bratting manevour now would be utterly inadmissible.

It was one thing for Nicholas to know exactly what to say to breach the defenses of his mind; it was another thing entirely to try and conquer him in a war of pure desire—a desire that Euijoo himself had spent weeks, months, cultivating and losing his mind over.

​No. He was stronger than that.

Skin burned against skin as Euijoo lunged, caughting Nicholas’s wrist, pinning them together over the armrest in a single, unyielding grip, as his free hand press firm into his leg to lift him knee higher. Nicholas let out a low, muffled gasp. Now, with one of Nicholas’s leg hooked like that, the shift in angles brought their heat into this suffocating alignment. The position not only allows their members to meet in a fit, but the space between Nicholas groin and ass is stimulated. Euijoo simply cannot breathe anymore. He collapsed into the crook of Nicholas’s neck, biting and kissing the sensitive skin. Beneath him, Nicholas was a storm of raw heat — shuddering, gasping, breaking out.

"Fuck.. Euijoo." His voice arriving in a low, raspy sound slipped from his throat, his senses completely clouded by the rush of the moment, body leaned into Euijoo, reacting instinctively to every shift in his weight and touch.

That motivates Euijoo even more. Rocking his hips forward by just two minimal, agonizingly deliberate thrusts, Euijoo draggs a louder, deeper groan from the back of Nicholas’s throat.

​"You like that?" Euijoo teased, though the torment was entirely mutual. The delicious friction of their bodies was unraveling him just as fast, his eyes locked on the beautiful, desperate sounds slipping from Nicholas's red, swollen lips.

​"Yes, yes, I do. Please. Please." The sensation of Nicholas desperate gasping voice reaches his ears, causing a ringing in his brain.

His body tingles, pulses, screams and there was no other reality, no other way he could possibly want Nicholas more than he did right now as he is breaking him in a wave of raw groans and delirium. And nothing could compare to the full-color reality of the breathless sounds he had replayed in his head a thousand times over. In his head, there is only Nicholas.

In his body. In his heart.

Nicholas, Nicholas, Nicholas.

He wants to hear him say it, to unveal his mind and body.

"Tell me, Nichol.." Euijoo slid his free hand beneath the fabric of Nicholas's shirt, palm anchoring firmly against the bare skin of his hip. The contact was electric.

His skin vibrated with such scorching heat, it felt as if it were numbing Euijoo's very fingertips. Mentally, Euijoo cursed himself for the sheer, pathetic desperation clawing at his chest. He was starved. Euijoo feels completely drunk and addicted, summarizing his entire existence into one single purpose. His movements slowed to a heavy, deliberate pace as he looked down at Nicholas slick with sweat, beautifully inebriated half-closed eyes.

Just like in his dreams.

"Tell me what you want." Tilting his head into his laboring breath, Euijoo caught Nicholas's lower lip between his teeth and tugged softly, dragging another low grunt from him.

​"You!" Nicholas breath is agitated against his mouth, like a consuming confession, "I want you, Juju. Touch me. Please, let me touch you."

Euijoo delivers then two sweets, demanding pecks to Nicholas's lips as another violent shudder racked his own frame. But he didn't have time to weigh Nicholas words as a sly smile appears into his lips, challenging him into a seductive threat,

"Unleash me", He feels Nichola's gaze burns holes into his iris, "Undress me."

And then his movements quickened instinctively, operating on pure will of adrenaline. Operating on pure will of Nicholas. It felt as if he now were the one pulling the strings again—Euijoo’s strings—dictating his every move even though Euijoo was supposed to be the one in command. Giving in to his words then, Euijoo released his grip on his arms and slid his hands down to clutch the hem of his shirt, yanking it over his head.

In the exact same heartbeat, Euijoo grabs him by the waist, pulling him firmly onto his lap. The sudden shift in position sent a whole new rush of sensations straight to Euijoo's body. If Nicholas dressed was dangerous, Nicholas shirtless was lethal. He had seen him without a shirt countless times before, but never like this. Never a shirtless Nicholas right in his lap—flushed, breathless, hard with his bare chest right within arms' reach, waiting expectantly. It was a fantasy brought to life.

Euijoo trailed his fingers lightly over Nicholas’s chest then, tracing his pearky hard nipples with his hand, and he mentally curses himself all over again at the sight of him looking so utterly surrendered to his touch. He watched, captivated, as Nicholas arched his back under the contact, body breaking into a fresh wave of moans and shiver right before his eyes. His niples matches the color os his lips and so, right now, the red placed into his cheeks. Euijoo wants to kiss him all over, to leave traces of his lips into his chest. And that’s what he does. He kiss his torso and the reactions coming Nicholas body makes he more desperate, as his skin burns into his lips, numb him into one puddle of buzzing feel.

As he sucks at his flesh, Nicholas looks at him hungrily, begging, moving faster than Euijoos ability as he places his hand over his, intertwining their fingers then, to guide him into pressing his pecks a little harder. A low moan vibrated deep within his chest, echoing right against Euijoo’s palm. The reactions os his body paiting him flush, combined to the places where his lips have been, paints him like a decoration. Euijoo wanted to scream. Nicholas is sensive there. Nicholas is sensitive everywhere. He didn't know what to do with that piece of information other than let it live rent-free in his mind forever. His reason is just completely out as the hard line of Nicholas's length pressed through his shorts directly against Euijoo's own jeans again. A loud groan escape his throat this time, as the tight friction of the position builds and cascade into an unbearable heat.

It didn’t help his state to feel the perfect curve of Nicholas ass beneath him, even less when he realized Nicholas wasn’t wearing any underwear, as the dark wet spot glows right against his sleeping shorts and mapps out the unmistakable shape of his length. Euijoo can se it, feel it pulsing and he bets he will pass out, right here and now. His hand is shaking as Nicholas shift up carefully, a hand in Euijoo’s neck as the free one roam him slick body from under his shirt. He moans again as Nicholas press his fingers into his chest, as he is lifting his body just enough to his legs go wider, bringing his torso forward as he lean into Euijoo’s to press their foreheads together.

Euijoo refused to break eye contact, completely captivated as Nicholas hands wandered aimlessly over his chest before one slid up to tangle in his hair, giving a light, possessive tug. Euijoo let himself drown in the sensation of being manipulated by Nicholas’s fingers tangled hard in him and the depths of his dark irises—darker than he had ever seen them before. He feels floating, engulfed, as Nicholas's free hand slip down to fastly unbutton his pants. It was Euijoo’s turn to curse under his breath again as the cool air of the room hit his skin. He was still covered by the layer of his underwear, but he instantly felt a little less constricted, a little more exposed and a little more sensitive, as his wet spot evaluates his stir state by the air hitting his skin.

And everything blurred together at lightning speed as Nicholas sat down again on him harder and heavier, leaving no room to breathe. Nicholas’s length caught between their hips, his weight grinding firmly against Euijoo’s aching hardness as his wet and plump lips attacked his neck and face with pure hunger. Euijoo can feel the breaming of his eyes wet by all the combination of his motions. Too overstimulated. Too oversensitive. He was incredibly close. Rolling his hips downward, Nicholas earn a desperate groan tore from Euijoo's throat. He reached down, gripping Nicholas’s ass to lock him in place, desperate to deepen the delicious pressure of their bodies combined. And Nicholas didn't stop, keeping the friction with slow, agonizingly strokes.

"Nichol-'' Euijoo manages to say, trembling, amidst by his labored breathing, ''Don't stop. I'm so close."

His movements grew frantic, rubbing, bouncing with a urgency now. Nicholas fingers tightening in Euijoo’s hair again, hanging on for dear life as Euijoo clung back just as fiercely, one hand anchoring Nicholas’s by his ass while the other gripped his thigh so tightly his nails dug into the skin, marking him. Euijoo had never wanted anything more than to simply merge with him, right here and now, through the desperate clash of their mouths and the tight grip of their hands on each others bodys. He wanted to become a part of Nicholas. He needed Nicholas stamped onto his skin, filled in his eyes, echoing in his ears and deep inside his body.

"I won't, babe. I'm close too." Nicholas sounds breathless and piched. And that was all it took.

The sheer sweetness of this nickename and the intensity of Nicholas’s gaze caused Euijoo’s entire system to shutdown like a whiplash. He crashed over the edge right after Nicholas. The high was bewildering, a peak so intense that Euijoo couldn't recall ever hitting a climax that hard before. As the waves of pleasure ebbed into absolute relaxation, his limbs melted, leaving him feeling like jelly. Nicholas stayed exactly where he was, sweaty and shaky, pinned under the same heavy weight of exhaustion and breathless heart. Neither of them said a word, their eyes locked in a silent, profound conversation.

It didn't take one minute for Nicholas breaks the quiet by laughing softly, fully, right there in his lap. Euijoo couldn't help but think it was ridiculous — the exact same kind of outrage Nicholas had felt when Euijoo dared to sit on his couch smiling earlier. Could Nicholas be laughing out of nervousness, just like Euijoo had been? The possibility that it was a reaction born of sheer relief crossed Euijoo’s mind, pulling an involuntary smile onto his own lips.

"What?" Euijoo asked softly, a breathy chuckle escaping him, "Why are you laughing?"

Nicholas was breathtaking like this, smiling and laughing out loud, his usual charm magnified a hundred times over.

"Is cumming in our pants that funny to you?" Euijoo asked, unable to keep the amusement out of his voice. He tried to look stern, but the warmth in his eyes and smile gave him away entirely.

At that, Nicholas’s laugh melted into a softer, breathless chuckle, pressing his cheeks into his, like a cat, before slid his arms under Euijoo’s, pulling him close until he was forced to wrap his own arms around Nicholas's bare torso, locking them behind him. And by that a wave of shyness hits Euijoo, leaving him utterly confused. He had never shared a moment like this with Nicholas before—straddling his lap in the hazy warmth of an orgasmic afterglow, a mess of ruined clothes, holding each other close. None of these things had ever happened individually, let alone all at once, but, of course, Euijoo is not going to complain.

In reality, he wants to freak out, but something in the way Nicholas looks at him surprisingly calms him down. Nicholas's eyes shone with an unprecedented brightness, carrying a deep, familiar sense of comfort. It felt like home, as if Nicholas inherently knew and understood every chaotic thought running through Euijoo's head. Usually it takes just in a matter of minutes, just like his sudden laugh, to Nicholas shift from looking like a piercing, sharp predator to transmitting such pure tenderness. A contrast so entirely him; One minute ready to devour Euijoo whole, the next, his eyes seemed to beg with a certain innocence and need.

Euijoo swears he can identify a hint of apprehension by the way he quickly breaks eye contact and looks down suddenly, as if he also feel uncertain and shy, like himself.

"Silly. You're so silly, Juju, I swear." Nicholas spoke, a soft chuckle bubbling up as a bright, open smile broke across his face.

Eh? He said it with a soft smile stretching across his face and Euijoo genuinely believed he would be the happiest man in the world if he died right then and there, just getting to watch the faded pink flush creeping back over Nicholas's cheekbones. The sight almost made Euijoo lose his train of thought completely. He was so close to letting Nicholas call him silly without pushing back at all,

"Me? Why me?" Euijoo countered playfully, trying to ground himself, "What are you talking about? You're the one who started laughing out of nowhere."

Nicholas didn’t stop smiling. He just kept looking up at him as if Euijoo were the most handsome man in the entire world. And god, Euijoo loved it. He absolutely craved that undivided attention. In a perfect world, one where only his deepest desires existed, Nicholas would only ever look at him this way. And only him. It was dangerous, really. Euijoo almost forgot how easily Nicholas’s cute, adorable side could fog up his provocative nature. But then again, Euijoo had never been able to control himself around him anyway. He would never and never will. Leaning in just a fraction, a sly glint returned to Euijoo's eyes.

"If i'm so silly, then why were you so hard and still sitting shirtless in my lap?" The question slipped out before Euijoo could stop himself, his voice practically dripping with mischief.

"Woah woah-" Nicholas quickly says, moving his body, shaking his head, "You stop what you're doing right now or else i'm gonna get hard again."

Right now, he felt a faint surge of pride. Nicholas got hard just from being near him, what a comforting realization; made even sweeter by the knowledge that he actually gets flustered because of it, too. Nicholas leaned in, resting his forehead against Euijoo’s as his hands locked behind his neck. He seemed to be seeking closure in the way he held Euijoo everytime, clinging to every moment, seizing every opportunity. It was as if Nicholas were starved for his affection, hungry for his touch, just as desperate as Euijoo had always been.

Would be too much imagine Nicholas afraid of his own resolution, so much like Euijoo, too? 

In this position, they seemed almost merged into one. Euijoo swore Nicholas could hear and feel his heart racing at two hundred kilometers per hour. Nicholas kept his hands locked around Euijoo’s neck, while Euijoo’s arms remained tightly linked around his waist, holding him close. But what now? He begins to wonder if giving in to his impulses was a good idea. He wonders if things between them will change. Euijoo doesn't want to imagine Nicholas would leave him or not address what happened because he trusts Nicholas blindly. Is it wrong to think that Nicholas might suddenly change because he doesn't want something like this to happen again?

"Juju," Just as his self-destructive thoughts begin to take up space in his mind, Nicholas appears like a blue sky breaking through a place of gray clouds again, "Do you.. want to shower with me?"

What?

"What?"

"What?"

What?

"Shower with you, you mean.. get naked and together?"

Nicholas laughs audibly and Euijoo feels more nervous and excited, at all once, than usual at the thought of the possibility. Showering with Nicholas in the same place? Naked, him and Nicholas, together, in the shower, and naked. Him. Nicholas. Naked. Entirely. In the shower.

"Actually, we can take turns if that’s better, but we need to wash. You can go first if you want to. I wait."

He must sense his sudden anxiety by reformulating the idea, but Euijoo cannot hold himself back from asking now. Not this time. Not in this situation.

Why did Nicholas suddenly want to shower together, to cram themselves into the exact same tiny space? It couldn't simply be because they’d finally crossed the line. There must be a urgency to it that went way beyond just finally being together. He knows it. He feel it. Euijoo wouldn't be able to live in peace or in eternal agony without letting himself wonder why, as is habitual. But this time is different, he set his mind to be. He needs to get this out of his head and out of his heart. He needs to live in sincere torment starting today. He has made it this far. He needs to speak. Closing his eyes, concentrating on Nicholas's warmth against his body and scent, Euijoo then takes a deep breath,

"Yixiang." The lingering warmth of their laughter seemed to settle Euijoo's nerves, giving him the courage to start speaking. A trace of hesitation still colored his voice, but the tension had finally begun to bleed out of him.

With his eyes closed, Euijoo could map the reactions of Nicholas's body so much better, entirely undistracted by the weight of his powerful gaze. Beneath him, Nicholas trembled quietly in his lap at the sound of his birth name, goosebumps rippling across his skin. He knew Nicholas could always sense when he was being completely serious, he never doubted that, but he desperately needed their minds to align right now. He needed Nicholas to truly understand what had been troubling him for so long and using his birth name was a way to anchor them both.

​"I–" Euijoo felt a sudden wave of vertigo, as if he might faint at any moment, "I have this thing I feel when I'm around you. I don't know if... if it's just because you make me horny all the time, but I..." He dug his fingertips into Nicholas’s waist, anchoring himself to find the courage to go on, "I don't exactly know how to label it yet. I just can't stop thinking about you. Ever. I just can't. And I've never felt anything like this before. It freaks me out a bit, but I... but I…"

Euijoo doesn't even know exactly what he wants to say right now, but he wants to say something. He feels it and understands it, but it gets stuck in his throat. Damn it. He feels like he might start crying—

"Byun Euijoo."

Nicholas.

It’s true that Nicholas is on his lap with his hands on his neck and listening to Euijoo, existing with Euijoo, now looking at Euijoo. My God. He almost forgot that this is reality and not the world of his dreams.

"Look at me." A gentle warmth filled Nicholas's voice as he asked, the words coming out low, calm and incredibly tender.

Euijoo doesn't want to, he might break, but he does it anyway. Nicholas pulled back slightly, breaking their close contact just enough to look him in the eyes again. Euijoo love the shape feline like of his eyes. Euijoo loves them so much. He loves even more when they're met his.

"Do you remember what I said earlier?" Nicholas asked, holding his gaze directly.

No. He doesn't ever remember what he just said seconds ago,

"When?"

"When you asked me what I wanted while holding me like a man possessed on the couch."

Oh.

Oh.

Remembering what happened doesn't mean he meant what he said. What is said and done during the peak of desire isn't always what we wish to say outside of this feeling.

"You asked me what I wanted and I gave you an answer. And… it wasn't just for the moment. I meant it. For real." There was a faint rush of urgency in Nicholas's voice, yet he spoke with absolute conviction. He slowed down, practically dictating each sentence, ensuring the weight of every single word landed.

Oh right… what?

you. i want you, juju

Just remembering it this moment makes his insides coil again and light up his whole body like the lights on a christmas tree. So this is happening, it can be true.

"Nichol-"

"It’s mutual. There. I said it."

Euijoo smiles. But wait. No. Why did it have to be so easy for Nicholas to confess like this? Euijoo’s chest felt a little lighter now and it was entirely Nicholas’s fault, again. Did this mean Nicholas had felt the exact same way this entire time?

Unlinking his arms from around Nicholas's waist, Euijoo crossed them over his chest, fain defensively, throwing him a stance ready for a fake debate.

"What do you mean you just said it? That means you won't repeat it while I'm here trying to say a single word—"

"My God, you're being so dramatic right now," Nicholas cut in, rolling his eyes, "And you're still blaming me as if I'm the problem."

​"But you are."

​"You're the one who is."

​"I hate you."

​"Not more than I hate you."

They stared each other down for a beat before both of them burst out laughing like idiots. Everything he’d been overanalyzing wasn't just made up in his head, it was actually real. Every glance, atitude and smile was actually meant for him. He sees it now, as the clarity in his mind and heart has been settled by Nicholas sincere eyes, as he hold his hand to intertwine their fingers. Nicholas caught him off guard again, darting forward to steal a reckless, quick kiss. Euijoo gasped. The tightness in his chest getting lighter, replaced entirely by warmth.

"I want you, Nicholas."

To hell with Nicholas and this irritating ability to constantly rescue him from his nightmares at the very same moment he is a beautiful dream Euijoo never want to wake up from.

"I want you too, Euijoo. I feel the same, too. Silly. You're so, so silly, I swear to God."