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"You have no idea how good it is to have you back." Hailou confesses to Haixia.
They're in the courtyard, a table dressed in the middle to dine while enjoying the sweet and quiet evening. A gentle breeze sometimes ruffles the plants and the sky took on a pinkish hue. The brouhaha of the street is muffled by the walls of the villa and the trio eats cheerfully while reminiscing of the good times.
They drank a few glasses and the alcohol, as usual, makes Hailou a little bit sentimental. He is actively looking at Haixia with shining eyes and trembling lips and Haixia has a hard time refraining a laugh. Tipsy Hailou always made him laugh but the conversation being more serious than usual, Haixia keeps quiet, not wanting his friend to think he is mocking him. He settles on a gentle smile, gaze fond.
Hailou's hand shots up to land on his, startling him.
"I really didn't know what to do without you." he says, fingers tightening around his friend's.
Haixia is about to reassure Hailou when their mentor speaks.
"Oh, you knew exactly what to do, didn't you, you brat ?" she says, voice as disinterested as usual but coated with an disappointed undertone.
The tone picks Haixia's curiosity but worry soon replaces it as he sees Hailou's head snaps to their mentor, face paling. The hand above his is slightly trembling.
"Mentor..." Hailou whispers.
"You should bring Haixia to the beach. It would do him good." Haixia is still listening but he is now actively staring at Hailou, observing the diverse expression passing on his face. Fear seems to be omnipresent. Hailou's hand is shaking now and Haixia turns his hand to properly take it in his. "And we could use some wood. I'm sure the coffins are still there. Kill two birds with one stone. Let Haixia witness your foolishness once more, uh ?"
Haixia frowns, the words making their way to his brain. He looks back at their mentor.
"...Coffins ?" he asks, slowly.
The words are clear, but Haixia doesn't want to understand them. Because they can't mean what he think they mean.
They can't.
His gaze falls back on Hailou who is staying silent. He is looking forward, at their mentor, and decidedly avoiding his gaze. His breathing is quick.
That can't be true. Haixia refuses for this to be true. Hailou would never have done anything like this, even less thought about it. Right ? But the longer his friend looks away from him, the more the dread in the pit of his stomach becomes stronger. It is soon followed by anger.
"Hailou, what were you going to do ?" he asks, voice hard.
"Nothing." comes the too quick answer.
That won't do it. Hailou has never been able to lie to him before and he won't start now. He grips the hand in his tighter.
"What were you going to do !" he asks again, louder, the panic making him react strongly. Too strongly.
"Nothing !" Hailou shouts, ripping his hand from Haixia's warmth and standing up, knocking his chair over. Chest heaving, he stares at Haixia, a wild look in his eyes. "I didn't do anything." he finally says, way too calm, before walking away.
"Hailou !"
Hailou ignores him and Haixia stays behind, stunned, both by the implications of what he just discovered and by Hailou's reaction. His friend is always smiling and joyful and it is rare to see him be anything else. But the expression he wore just now is one Haixia never saw before. And it scares him.
Their mentor is still seating with him, still silent. He knows she never does or say things without a purpose, but what she reavealed tonight, even Haixia finds it cruel. He understands she said it to put in in plain sight, to let Haixia know because Hailou would never have told him otherwise. But there were other ways to do it. She even could have chosen not to say anything ever and Haixia would have been none the wiser.
He throws a glance at his mentor, making her know he disapproves of her ways of doing things and quickly follows after Hailou.
The night is almost there and Haixia hopes Hailou didn't leave the house to go calm himself in the streets. He would be too slow to chase after him and the thought of Hailou spending the night outside, alone with his thoughts, it doesn't sit well with him.
The house is big but Haixia knows exactly where to find his friend. It is where he would always go when they were younger and he was upset.
Haixia finds himself in front of his own room, the door ajar. He closed it when he came out earlier. Seems like Hailou hasn't changed, he thinks fondly. He slowly pushes the door open and wheels his chair inside.
"Hailou ?" he asks in the darkness.
A form moves next to the window but doesn't answer. Haixia turns on the lamp beside him. The room is partially illuminated but it is enough to see how Hailou is folded on himself, arms crossed, protecting himself from the world. It breaks Haixia's heart to see him like this, when he was joking and laughing only an hour ago. It is in this moments that he would love to give their mentor a piece of his mind. But for now, Hailou is all that matters.
Haixia goes further into the room, closer to the man he came to love more than anything. He will do anything to chase the darkness away and bring Hailou back to him.
He stops a few feet away from Hailou, who hasn't looked at him yet.
"I don't want to talk about it." comes the murmur.
The thing is Haixia is not one to back down, especially not on such an important matter. A matter concerning Hailou.
"Hailou. Tell me what happened." he asks, voice gentle, wanting to show him he is not judging him. That he just wants to help him.
He hears a sniffle coming from his friend and the thought of Hailou being upset enough to be close to tears makes his heart gives a painful squeeze. Hailou sighs loudly, arms falling, hands coming to rest on his hips. He is still looking outside and not at Haixia. And Haixia is starting to hate it. Starting to hate this distance between them when before they would tell each other everything. That Nan'an case really created a mess between them.
"I already told you it's nothing. And that I don't want to tal-"
His voice was starting to take on an angry note when he is interrupted by Haixia taking his hand in his.
And finally, finally, those brown eyes find his again.
Haixia can clearly see pain and anguish in them and the fear that was already present earlier seems to have doubled. He can't bear to see him like this anymore. He needs to get to the bottom of this and get Hailou to get off his chest whatever is gnawing at him in secret.
"Hailou, talk to me. Please."
Hailou looks at him a moment longer, clearly debating whether to speak his mind or not, but he decides against when his gaze finds the window again. It does sting to know Hailou prefers to stay silent instead of sharing his thoughts with him, but Haixia will not be deterred. Swallowing, eyes pressing shut against the sensitive subject even him would wish not to approach, he decides to go straight to the sore point. Hailou's hand is warm in his, still shaking, and he grips it tighter to give himself, and Hailou, some support.
"After I faked my death-
"Stop."
Haixia's eyes lock onto Hailou's profile at the broken voice he just heard utter those words. His friend is in pain, which means Haixia is in pain. Still, he won't give up. He'll get answers one way or another.
"After I faked my death, Mentor told me-"
"Stop."
"-you're the one who brought me home-"
"Stop it !"
"-and were going to take care of my so called body."
"Shut up !" Hailou roars, ripping his hands from Haixia's as he turns towards the man in the chair. He is breathing heavily like he just ran for hours and is looking at Haixia with a wild look, tears shining on his cheeks. "Please, just-" he breathes out. "Why do you keep bringing it up ?"
The despair in these last words is almost too much for Haixia, but it only fuels his determination.
"Because I want to know that happened on that beach !"
Haixia's tone is getting a bit louder and he hates himself for it, but he needs to make Hailou talk to him. And if he gets his answers by upsetting him, then so be it. He will comfort him and reassure him after all is said.
"You already know what happened !" Hailou stubbornly answers.
"No, I don't ! I want you to say it !"
"I was going to follow you, all right ?" Hailou shouts, arms spreading.
The confession rips through the air, leaving only silence and heavy breathing behind. Haixia had guessed what his mentor had hinted about, but to hear Hailou say it out loud, it feels him with dread. He imagines for one second having came back only to learn that Hailou had died to follow him in death, and his eyes start stinging.
"The days I thought you were gone were the worst days of my life, Shrimpie." Hailou's voice is broken, the pain clear in it, as if he was still feeling the loss even though Haixia is right there, before him. "There was this emptiness, every waking moment. My mind was in a haze, I was completely lost. Because if you were dead, what purpose did I have left ?" Hailou laughs almost hysterically as he sits on the bed, falling on it like all the fight left him at once. "And then-" a depreciative laugh, "And then, our mentor told me it was all my fault. Your legs, the end of the Archives. Your death. Ans she was right. Is right. And I couldn't take it anymore, you understand ?" He looks at Haixia, eyes begging for his friend to understand his gesture.
Haixia approaches his chair closer to the bed and takes Hailou's hands in his again. The look in his eyes encourages his friend to continue. Even though every words coming out of Hailou's mouth are like knives in his heart, Haixia needs to know exactly what happened. Hailou squeezes back, eyes boring into Haixia's.
"So, I uh..." He looks away. "I bought two coffins and went to the beach with them, firmly decided to enter the sea and never going back out again."
Haixia reaches out and puts his hands on Hailou's cheeks to turn his face back towards him. Hailou's eyes stubbornly look next to him but faced with Haixia's insistence, their gazes meet again.
"How could you think of doing something like that ?" he asks in a murmur, voice gentle but strained. He lovingly brushes some hair from his friend's face. "If something ever happens to me, I don't want you to think like that again, you hear me ?" Hailou opens his mouth, probably to object, but Haixia won't listen to this nonsense. "No buts. I don't want the end of my life to ring yours too. What if our roles were reversed ? Would you be fine with me following you in the afterlife ?"
Hailou's eyes widen, head vigorously shaking left and right under Haixia's palms. Haixia would almost smile at his reaction, if the tears in his friend's eyes weren't redoubling, probably at the thought of him dying again.
"Please, don't." Hailou whispers, hands coming up to grip his wrists, as if to remind himself that Haixia is real and here with him.
Haixia can't bear the distance between them anymore. He takes his hands away from Hailou's face to place his chair parallel to the bed and closer to Hailou. He then spreads his arms.
"Come here."
Hailou doesn't waste time and dive into Haixia's waiting arms, throwing his own around his neck, pressing him against him as much as he can. Haixia relishes in having him there, so close to him.
"I'm sorry." Hailou whispers next to his ear.
Haixia only squeezes him harder in response and breathes out slowly, chin resting on his friend's shoulder. He's been back for days and he had no idea of the weight Hailou was carrying all on his own. And the thought of him almost not being here... His hands that were simply resting on Hailou's back are now gripping at the fabric.
"Shrimpie." comes the soft voice of Hailou, tickling. "You're shaking."
Haixia doesn't want to upset him even more, but the thoughts won't stop coming.
"I just can't stop thinking about it. Me, coming back, only to learn from Mentor that you're dead."
The intake of breath he hears tells him Hailou hadn't even thought about this outcome.
"I know you didn't know. That by some twisted stroke of fate, you never retrieved the clues I had left for you, to warn you. That this mishap could have lead to your death." His arms tighten around his friend. "It would have destroyed me, Hailou."
He feels Hailou nuzzle against his neck, lips grazing the skin and sending shivers throughout his body. His light laugh sends air caressing his neck.
"If that had happened, I really would have failed at everything, uh ? But especially you." There is a pause before he speaks again, voice quivering. "If we had never met or if I had prevented you to come with me to Nanyang, you-"
Haixia can't hear anymore of this and rips himself from the warm embrace to take Hailou's face in his hands once more. Their faces are close, closer they have ever been, their breaths mixing. Hailou's hands have fallen to his hips, holding them with so much care, that Haixia just want to dive back into that hug. But first, he needs to make things straight with Hailou.
"I wouldn't have listened to you at all and I would have followed you anyway." he says, tone leaving no room for any argument. "I don't regret knowing you. I don't regret being with you. So, please, don't regret us."
There is a moment of silence where they just look into each other's eyes, before Hailou's gaze flick to his lips. And Haixia only has a second to ackowledge it before Hailou closes in and his lips are on his.
Haixia stays stunned for a moment, brain having a hard time understanding what is happening. Understanding that the thing he has been waiting for for years is finally happening. His body reacts on his own when he feels Hailou starting to pull back, arms going around Hailou's shoulder and bringing him back against him.
They kiss slowly, Haixia feeling all giddy and smiling against Hailou's lips, a smile he knows the other can feel. They very briefly part for air, Haixia bringing them together again immediatly. Feeling enthusiastic and bold, Haixia deepens the kiss and Hailou accepts greedily if the happy sounds he makes that reaches Haixia's ears are anything to go by.
Hailou is all Haixia can think about. His mouth against his, his arms around him, the softness of his hair under his fingers. Haixia dreamt of that moment he forgot how many times and he thinks he might just be the happiest man alive right now.
They kiss for what feels like forever, Hailou seemingly enjoying this moment as much as he does, and the thought sends a jolt of happiness through him.
They finally part, their breaths the only sound in the room. Hailou sports a big smile and Haixia can't fight the smile of his own at the sight.
"Do you know how long I've been wanting to kiss you ?" Hailou asks, breathless.
Haixia would lie if he said that knowing that Hailou have been wanting this as much as he did doesn't surprise him.
"For as long as me, I hope." Haixia teases.
"Probably."
Hailou smiles softly and leaves a kiss at the corner of Haixia's lips before taking him in his arms again and pressing his nose in the nape of his neck. There, he leaves another kiss against the skin. Haixia shivers and hides his face as well.
They stay like this, in each other's arms, relishing in the closeness of the other.
Haixia knows he doesn't have much time.
He knows he is soon going to make Hailou relive his worst nightmare and that this time there won't be any miraculous resurrection for him. That soon, Hailou will be alone again. It makes him want to scream, again and again, the unfairness of it all. They are still young and they had so much time ahead of them.
Keeping his condition a secret from Hailou kills him everyday. It gets harder each time he looks at his, now, lover's face and see the relief in his features when he looks back at him. He is going to destroy everything and he is not even sure Hailou will see it coming.
But on the other hand, it may be a blessing. If Hailou doesn't know, he can't worry. And if he doesn't worry, he'll live fully and happily with Haixia during their remaining time.
Haixia knows it is selfish of him. That if it was him, he would want to know that Hailou is dying. But fortunately, it is not the case and so he will go on as if nothing was happening. They will get the time they get and it will have to be enough.
Haixia shakes those thoughts away.
Now is not the time to dwell on his fate.
Hailou is finally in his arms, reciprocating his feelings, and it is the only thing he will care about from now on.
Keeping him happy and never letting go.
Well, for as long as he can.