Chapter Text
Year 1678
“the first time I laid my eyes on you, I knew…”
A sunny Friday, thick and heavy clothes that makes my whole body itch due to its rough material, the loud noise from the city that I cannot even escape, and a cup of coffee that never matched the taste I’ve been looking for. In short, this day just couldn't get any worse.
I closed the newspaper paper I was reading. Anxin, who was grinning in front of me while he was writing those silly letters, glanced at me and raised a brow. “The day just started and your face shows that you want it to end already,” he murmured.
“The coffee is too bitter.” I told him, as if it was his fault.
He grimaced. “Yesterday, it was bland, you said.”
“And the day before yesterday, it was too sweet.”
I watched him dip his plume on the black ink sitting on the table, his movements were precise, careful, different from the Anxin I remember 280 years ago who was always clumsy in everything that he does.
“Hyung, coffee houses exist for you to buy a cup of coffee that may probably fit your taste. Yet you're here, complaining about the coffee that you, yourself, made.” Anxin said he was clearly using that ‘I-am-tired-of-your-bullshits’ tone but never said it directly.
“Exactly. The word ‘probably’ will not guarantee that I will like it.” I said, as a matter of fact. “How about you try making me another cup instead of doodling around?”
He gasped and raised a brow at me, as if I said something insulting. “First of all, I’m not just doodling around. Second, I’m not your personal barista. Third—”
I cut him off. “You're pressing the plume too hard on your paper.” When I said that, he glared at me before he stared at the paper he was writing on. I was telling him the truth.
He glared at me more before pulling another sheet of paper. “Leo, this is your fault! My sister has been pestering me for not sending her a letter! Just let me write in peace, please.”
I stared at him and nodded quietly. “Don't worry, though. I’m pretty sure Nova will be fine.” I told him, recalling his sister who never failed to check on him.
“Alright, Mr. Someone-who-knows-everything,” he replied, sarcastically. I just sighed and sipped on my coffee again, the bitter taste spreading on my mouth but unlike earlier, it became bearable somehow.
“You know that I do not know everything, right?” I said and he just shrugged, not minding my existence so he could finally finish the letter he's been writing for half an hour now.
I do not know everything. Despite living multiple lifetimes now, there are still so many things I haven't discovered yet. Maybe that's what I'm looking forward to in every new lifetime I am in—new knowledge, new experiences, hobbies of other people that I just recently discovered and would like to try, a newly discovered pastry from that old coffee house I used to go to which is starting to look different because it has been passed to multiple lineage already.
When did it start? I do not remember. I just found myself waking up one day. I was 10 years old when I freely roamed around the city as if I had already memorized every corner. The faces of the people I meet are the same but different at the same time, though there is a sense of familiarity. Some were old acquaintances, some were a classmate from the high school I went to, or just people whom I stumbled upon random situations.
Different people with familiar faces, different names, age, personality… All of them changed from the last time I saw them. Only I did not.
I’m not immortal. I remember dying the first time after trying a herb that I didn't know was poisonous. From an accident, from an illness, or just from growing too old. I died before yet somehow lived again as me.
Lee Leo.
It is still something that even I cannot fully understand. But I guess, I’m living multiple lives and different lifetimes like a cycle. A cycle that starts with being born and ends with death. The only catch is I remember almost everything that happened in those lifetimes.
Was it a blessing or a curse? Probably the latter.
I avoided a lot of people, thinking that it will do me no good since after their life, they will not remember anything anyway. But there was Anxin, the very first person I befriended with. He is not so different from the others, only that he doesn't freak out whenever I tell him that I have already lived many lifetimes. He would just say, “Really? That's cool. Let's be friends in every lifetime then!” and the rest is history.
“How about just go to that coffee house you’ve mentioned instead of watching me write, Leo hyung?” Anxin suggested, he was still busy with his letter. “I don't know where it is, though. You can just ask around.”
I know. I remember.
After a few minutes of walking from Anxin’s university, I arrived in front of that familiar coffee house that I discovered in my last lifetime. Its ambiance from the outside felt a bit different now but still familiar. The wooden structure of the coffee house is still the same, but unlike before, it looked more polished. The interior that is visible from the outside is also the same, only there are more customers inside than before.
Baustelle.
The door chime made a sound when I went inside. Unlike the outside, it was a little quiet inside. Some students were in front of their pile of books, reading, while some were discussing quietly as if they were inside a library, and a mellow music was playing, enough to calm my nerves from the irritation I felt earlier because of the bitter coffee I made.
The barista was nowhere to be found when I went to the counter so I took my time and scanned their menu. Everything is almost the same except for one: Basque Cheesecake. A new thing I would like to try.
I was about to say a word and ask where the barista was, but a figure appeared and went out from the coffee house’s kitchen. He was wearing a brown knitted sweater that hung loosely on his body, tying a Baustelle apron on his back, giving me a glimpse of his side profile that I’m pretty sure I haven't seen before.
A new face.
When he arrived in front of the counter, he gave me a small but welcoming smile. “Good morning. What can I get for you?” he asked, his voice was soft, almost sounded like a whisper.
I blinked, getting aware of the new person’s presence in front of me.
“Cheesecake.” I answered, absentmindedly.
“Pardon?”
“I want Basque Cheesecake,” I repeated, glancing at the new pastry from their menu. He was about to say a word when I remembered something. “And coffee,” I added.
He stared at me for a few seconds, probably wondering why I’m saying my orders vaguely. But in the end, he just smiled and nodded. “What kind of coffee? Espresso or—”
“Anything.” I said. Then I scratched the side of my cheek when I realized I just cut him off. “I mean, you can make me a best seller or something. Not too bitter and not too sweet.” I added, a bit nervous for an unknown reason.
You're just ordering a coffee and a cheesecake, Leo.
I didn't mean to, but I noticed how he slightly tilted his head, studying me. Then he just smiled before writing my order. He told me the amount but I just paid and told him to keep the change before going to a vacant table. Coincidentally, it was also the same table I used to occupy. It’s the most quiet part on the corner of the coffee house, just beside a large window.
I tried my best not to, but I can't help but to glance at the barista who was busy moving behind the counter. I meet a new person every lifetime but it didn't feel like this. There's a feeling of curiosity and fascination that I have never felt before. It's new.
But he is pretty. It might even be an understatement.
Small face, big eyes that shine whenever the light hits it, long eyelashes, pointed nose, pinkish lips, and that noticeable two moles on the left side of his cheeks, a bit close to his defined jaw. Just some details that made him even prettier.
I don't even know why I’m thinking about this… But yes, he is, indeed, pretty.
He moved behind the counter in a precise impeccable manner, like he really knew what he was doing. Graceful, in other words. I didn't even notice that I’ve been spacing out too much since a few minutes later, I found him in front of my table, serving the coffee and cheesecake that I’ve ordered.
The slice of basque cheesecake was honestly mouthwatering. I had a feeling I just found a new favorite. But the coffee was a bit new to my sight… and the barista saw my curiosity.
“It's an ashatchu. Iced tea with a shot of espresso.” He explained. I was about to ask a question when he talked again. “Don't worry, it's not too bitter nor too sweet, just a combination of the two. But if it's not to your liking, just tell me and I’ll give you another drink,” he added, a small smile plastered on his lips.
I nodded and returned the smile. “Thank you.”
It was okay.
No. It tastes good. So good that I couldn't even think of anything else.
A problem that was never resolved in every lifetime I lived was this: a good cup of coffee. Petty, but it's true. I’ve tried making my own or going to different coffee houses, but I just never found a drink that fits my taste buds. And let's not talk about the cheesecake, because I will definitely come back here everyday just to taste it again.
That's what I told myself.
Go back to Baustelle for their ashatchu and cheesecake.
Or so I thought.
“The same order?” the unnamed barista asked, and I nodded.
It was my ninth time coming back just to order my new favorites. Not everyday, though. Three weeks have already passed since the first time I came back here in this lifetime and met the beautiful barista, whose name is still unknown to me.
I’ve tried asking his name. I really did. But nothing just comes out from my mouth the moment he is in front of me, so I’ll just end up ordering the same thing, over and over again. He never said anything about it and just served my order with a smile on his face, like the usual.
And then one day, his co-worker arrived since his shift already ended, and then he was called by a name that rang in my ears more than I expected it to.
Sangwon.
I never talked to him, though. And I never once mentioned his name despite its continuous ringing in my ears every time he's in front of me. A part of me wanted to call him by his name, but everytime I tried, it just wouldn't come out. Am I nervous? Shy? Scared? Or just…
I didn't even realize it at first, but it became a habit for me to go back to Baustelle at least three times a week to order that specific menu that even that barista, Sangwon, had memorized. I noticed that everytime he sees me entering the coffee house, he would just smile and ask if I’m going to order the same thing, and I’ll just nod and give him the payment.
It continued for weeks. Months. Until I got used to it.
And then one day, I entered the coffee house without feeling his presence at all.
The other barista, Kangmin, noticed that I kept glancing at the kitchen’s door, waiting for someone to come out, but there was no one.
“Sangwon took a leave from work. He has an emergency,” he said. I was curious but I didn't pry. I just nodded and told him my order.
After that, it was never the same again. Kangmin said he was on leave, but it felt indefinite. I kept going back to that place, standing in front of the counter, sitting on that specific table, waiting for him to serve my orders again… but it didn't come.
Days. Weeks. Months. And even a year has passed. Nothing.
I didn't ask. I just waited. Until I realized I was waiting for no one.
“The ashatchu tastes good, Sangwon… Maybe I’ll tell you about this in another life.” I whispered, my breath was calm, despite knowing it would be the last for this lifetime.
Year 1784
“hello, love, goodbye”
“Look at him, he's spacing out again.” A voice woke me up from my momentary daydream. It was Xinlong, Anxin’s cousin.
It’s a normal Sunday for me inside my dorm, supposedly, until these two came and ruined my morning. I guess Anxin was not enough that fate even sent another kid for me to babysit.
“That’s normal, Long. We grew up together and you're still surprised?” Anxin hissed, throwing me a teasing look that is always the same every single lifetime I was with him. Another one, and I actually can't believe he's still here.
I sighed and sipped on the coffee made by Xinlong. It doesn't taste good, at least for my taste. “You know I’m just in front of you, right?” I said and they just threw each other a knowing look.
It was Xinlong who stood up from his seat and went to my side, wrapping his arm around my shoulders playfully. “Leo hyung, you're here but your mind is definitely elsewhere. And it happens… like, everyday.”
I know. I know the reason, too, but of course, I didn't tell them.
“Maybe he doesn't like the coffee you made.” Anxin said and took the cup in my hand. He tasted it and as usual, he glanced at me and raised a brow. “Well, it tastes like… coffee. As it should.”
“I don't like it.” I told them.
“Hey! My mom just praised me yesterday for it, saying it was good! What do you mean?” Xinlong whined, shaking me a little. This kid, really.
“He meant to say it's not what he's looking for.” Anxin answered and glanced at me meaningfully.
“Bro, it's coffee. It all tastes the same!” Xinlong argued and even drank the remaining coffee from my cup. “See? It's coffee. It's been years and I still don't understand what's wrong with Leo hyung’s taste.”
I sighed and let their bickerings be my background noise.
It's been 25 years since I was reborn and everything still felt the same. That sense of familiarity that I’ve already memorized but still not used to. Just… everything. But unlike my past lives, the present is a bit… different for some reason I can name but I will choose not to. At least, not yet.
I still haven't come back to that place, that specific coffee house that used to be my favorite even before my last lifetime happened. And honestly, I’ve never entered any coffee houses this lifetime, afraid that I might see him… or that I might not see him. Everything is not the same since I met him.
Will I meet him in this lifetime, too? I’m honestly scared of the answer.
“Leo hyung!” I came back to reality when Xinlong tapped my elbow. I raised a brow but didn't say anything. “Anxin and I will go to the library near our university. Come with us,” he added, and I just know I have to decline.
“I don't want to—”
Anxin stood up and went to my other side to make me stand up against my will. “It's not a question, Leo hyung. You’ll come with us.”
I had no choice. After a few minutes of driving, I found myself in front of a big yet a bit old library just outside their university. Even from the outside, I can already smell the pile of books that sit on their shelves, some might have been already there since my other lifetimes.
It's not my first time going to a library, of course. I actually like a place like this since it's quiet, definitely far from the noise I always wanted to escape. The smell of books, the quiet whispers that do not bring irritation to me, the sound of the keyboard from the typewriters the librarian uses behind the counter… everything. I like it.
The two kids vanished in front of my eyes before I knew it, so I had no choice but to roam around and check the shelves for an interesting book. As I’ve expected, most of the books were old but were still intact enough for the pages not to tear once you open it. My hands stopped in front of a not-so-old and not-so-thick book with a white cover, a little dust was already sitting on it.
“When A Rose Bloomed With Its Thorns.”
Without opening it, I decided to find Anxin and Xinlong who were already sitting in front of a table with a couple of fictional books in front of them. I didn't pry and just sat on the chair beside the library’s window. The scenery of the swaying trees can be seen from my position. It was a good sight to see at ten o’clock in the morning.
I opened the book. Then I realized it wasn't really a book. It was a journal, each word written on its pages was handwritten. The journal remained unfinished, though. I figured, since almost half of its pages were still blank, as if the author forgot to finish it, or maybe chose not to.
I scanned the cover of the book, its title was typewritten in the middle, above it was a small drawing of a withering rose, far different from what its title describes. I tried to find the name of the author but there was no hint of it.
When I opened it, a short line welcomed me.
“For the unknown.” - L.S.W.
The words used inside that journal were something. It sounds raw, genuine, full of meanings as if it was written in a way that is not meant for the reader to decipher immediately. The journal was filled with poetries, some prose that did not follow a certain writing standard, but it was there. The deepness, the emotions… The journal is filled with words that are full of… something I do not want to name.
The last entry of the journal was something else. Or maybe, it was really the reason why this was made that it was treated with much… carefulness. Unlike the previous entries, it has no title. The words were carefully written in cursive. Precise. Sure. As if hoping it would reach the person it was meant to.
“Withered but still beautiful, they said
Once I bloomed with my thorns
Afraid that it might prick you without meaning to
Would you still look at me the same?
Would you touch me?
Would you hold me?
Would you… love me?”
I breathed, trying to calm myself after reading such a simple collection of words that left a heavy feeling in my heart. It's the very first time it happened to me. I let my gaze roam around the place. The sun became brighter now, probably because I’ve been sitting here for hours without even realizing it. It was already an afternoon, some of the students who were here when we came already left, replaced by new ones.
Until something caught my eyes.
Someone.
That familiar man from my previous lifetime. I blinked, trying to remember the first time I met him because ever since I started to remember… I tried to bury his face in my mind. I wanted to forget… but then I realized I couldn't. How could I? It was just a one-sided feeling, a one-sided attraction that ended even before I knew it.
I would be lying if I said I didn't wish to meet him again.
He still looked the same but somehow different. His face was still the same as I remember but it looked much alive now. He was wearing a black hoodie with its hood on, squinting his eyes while reading a book I do not recognize.
But that wasn't the point.
It's him, the man from my previous lifetime. The barista who gave me the only cup of coffee that fit my taste buds. The beautiful barista who suddenly disappeared before I could tell him that his coffee tasted good.
“Sangwon.”
I looked at Anxin when he mentioned that name. “What? I asked, confused.
“His name is Sangwon. A literature student from our university,” he added. He glanced at me with a glint of recognition in his eyes, though I don't why he has that. “You’ve been staring at him for a few minutes now without blinking, hyung. I figured,” he explained, as if he could read my mind at the moment.
I tore my gaze off him and looked at that man again. To my surprise, he was also looking at me, curiosity was written on his eyes. I became scared, thinking that he might have recognized me. But then, that feeling vanished when he looked at his book again like nothing happened.
Of course. He does not remember.
Of course, Leo.
I feel pathetic. Even in this new lifetime, I am still pathetic. It was something I already admitted the moment I saw that beautiful face again. Just like what happened in my previous life, another cycle happened.
I found myself going back to that library every Sunday, even without Anxin and Xinlong, who was actually surprised to see me coming without being invited. They didn't say anything, though I felt like they were carefully trying to decipher what I was doing. They don't have to ask me. They understood.
Sangwon was sitting 3 tables away from me. Unlike the previous weeks, I noticed that he was writing something on a piece of paper. He was too focused, but sometimes I’ll find him staring at the window, and then back to his paper.
“He’s single. We were classmates in one of my subjects and asked out of curiosity.” It was Xinlong, his eyes stayed on the fiction book he was reading, as if he didn't just drop a bomb in front of me.
“I didn't ask.” I said, calming myself. Why am I even nervous?
“Approaching him won't kill you, you know. It's easy, hyung.” Anxin added, and I almost wanted to smack him from saying something ridiculous like that. He even imitated me while saying, “Hi, I’m Leo. You are?”
“It's actually funny to witness him be a lovesick fool. Was he also like this before?” Xinlong asked, a giggle left his mouth.
“If I remember, I would probably be laughing my ass off right now just to tease him.” Anxin whispered but loud enough for me to hear.
I can't believe I have to bear his existence in multiple lifetimes, now with an addition who has the same personality as him.
“I regret telling you everything.” I told them, but they just shrugged their shoulders and laughed at me.
The next week, I came back alone. The two cousins went back to China for a family matter so I just found myself on that table again, alone. Today, the library is a bit packed. It was a good thing that I arrived the moment the group of people left my favorite spot.
I sat there, reading that specific journal again, as if I was planning to memorize every entry. I don't remember how many times I’ve read it already, but a part of me wants to etch each and every word on my mind.
“Is this seat taken?”
I caught a breath when I heard that familiar voice. I didn't even realize that someone was already in front of me.
It was him.
Sangwon.
I looked up and saw him standing beside the chair in front of mine while carrying a book with a blank sheet of paper and a quill on top. Then I noticed that the table he used to sit in was occupied, as well as the other tables from my sight.
When I looked at him, he was still standing, waiting for me to answer him. I cleared my throat before shaking my head. “No, you can sit.” I said, my voice controlled, as if I practiced answering at the back of my mind.
He smiled, one that is familiar to me. “Thank you,” he said. I watched him drop his things on the table carefully before sitting on the chair. Then he looked at me again and found me watching him. I almost wanted to disappear when he did. “Are you a student?” He asked. “I noticed that you are always here but I never saw you on the campus,” he added, his voice still soft as ever.
I shook my head slowly. “No, I’m just…” Why are you here, Leo? “I just came here to read.” Really?
He smiled again, and then nodded. “I hope I didn't disturb you. I’ll probably be here for a few hours so…” he said and glanced at his things.
I nodded quietly, thinking how would I survive being close to him for hours. “It's okay.”
I guess I am really pathetic. The time suddenly became slower that moment. I found myself getting another set of books, words written in it were barely understood. It was as if I’m just reading for the sake of saying that I am. If that makes sense.
Hours flew quietly, slowly. A few hours with nothing but silence and his presence. In the middle of it, I remembered the previous lifetime when I first met him as a barista at my favorite coffee house. And even if I didn't want to, it suddenly scared me.
“Perhaps, if you're not busy… do you want to grab a snack with me?” Sangwon asked after a few hours of just sitting inside the cozy library that somehow brought me comfort. I just don't know if it was because of the ambiance or the person in front of me. When I looked outside, it was already nearing dawn.
“Huh?” I asked, confused. Is he asking me? I looked around and noticed that only a few people were there with us, all of them were busy doing their own things.
Sangwon gasped and smiled shyly when he heard me. “Oh, my bad. I didn't even get to introduce myself earlier.” He said, noticing my confusion. “My name is Sangwon.”
I know.
But I didn't tell him.
I was surprised nevertheless, slightly amused even. “I’m Leo.” I said.
He tilted his head before giving me another smile. A habit, I noticed. He did this before, too. “Nice to meet you, Leo.” My name suddenly sounded softer when he said it. “So… snacks?” He asked again.
I nodded this time. “Okay.”
I don't know if it was a coincidence. With Sangwon beside me, I found myself standing in front of that familiar counter that looked a bit different from the last time I remember. He was standing behind it before, welcoming me with that soft smile that never left my mind since the first time I saw it.
“It's on me. It's a treat because you let me sit at your table.” He said, and I just let him.
“Iced americano, ashatchu, and a slice of strawberry cake and basque cheesecake. Is that all?” The barista asked and I watched Sangwon nodding at him.
Maybe it's not a coincidence, after all. It's fate.
“I hope I didn't bother you the whole day.” Sangwon said after we sat at the vacant table near the coffee house’s door, since it was the only seat available.
I shook my head and glanced at him. He was fixing the small scarf on his neck that I didn't notice earlier despite looking at him countless times. “I actually want to thank you for keeping me in company.” I told him.
“You look like someone who doesn't like to be bothered by any noise,” he pointed.
And I laughed. I noticed how he stopped a little from fixing his scarf before laughing with me. “I’m not going to deny that.”
“Would you mind if I tag along with you next time?” Sangwon asked, careful but curious. “It's okay if you don't want to,” he added.
“If there are no vacant seats, why not?”
“And if there is?”
I smiled and stared at him. Suddenly, the scene from that previous life of mine flashed through my eyes, and then I realized I don't want that to happen again. “I would love to, even if there are vacant seats.”
He smiled and nodded. “Okay.”
When our order arrived, it was him who placed it on our table. I just watched him as he put the ashatchu and cheesecake in front of me, just like what he did before.
“It's called ashatchu, an iced tea with a shot of espresso.” Sangwon explained once he settled himself, a cup of Iced americano and strawberry was in front of him.
I nodded, the same voice played in my head when he said that. “I know. It's my favorite drink.” I told him. I sipped and suddenly, even if I knew that he wasn't the one who made it this time, it tasted the same. “It's good.” And when I glanced at him, I saw him watching me with a small smile on his lips.
“I’m glad you liked it.”
I always did. And it was all thanks to you.
After that week, I looked forward to every Sunday because I know I will see him. It didn't take long for Anxin and Xinlong to find out that Sangwon and I became library buddies but never once said anything about it. The first time, they just looked at me with knowing eyes before sitting at a different table, letting the two of us occupy the table alone.
I’m not gonna lie. It was fun. Sometimes, I would just sit there and watch him read or write on his paper. I asked him once, and he said he was working on some projects that are required for him to graduate.
Today, it was different. He decided to sit beside me. He said he wanted to take a short nap because he couldn't sleep last night and the sun kept on hitting his face from the other side. He looked so peaceful while sleeping that I decided to just close the book on my hand and watch him. I carefully took the thick book on his elbow, enough to get him in a comfortable position.
I didn't want to scare him, but I found myself copying his position just so I could stare at him properly. It’s another time for me to tell myself that he is really… pretty. Gorgeous, even. Those words are not even enough to describe him. Every word that I could grasp felt like an understatement.
It's still the same as I remember. His small face that I could probably hold with just one hand, his thick eyebrows, long lashes that make his eyes mesmerizing, his pointed nose that goes really well with his sharp jaws, and those pinkish lips that he would always touch whenever he's thinking deeply or just staring at nothing. I’ve memorized all of it, afraid that I might forget it in a second.
I didn't tell him anything yet. About the weird cycle of my life. The feelings I’ve been trying to keep but he surely noticed because of how transparent I am. Nothing. I knew it wasn't that deep. At least, not yet. It is something that I’m still afraid to admit.
But every time I remember that he suddenly vanished into thin air without knowing the reason why, I get scared. Would he slip away again? Would I also find myself one day, sitting on this very table with a book in my hand… and he won't be here? That thought scared me. It scares me more than I could think of.
I didn't even realize that my hand was already moving on its own, reaching for the strand of his hair that fell on his forehead. His brows furrowed, as if he felt the sudden touch. I watched how his eyes opened slowly, my hand still resting on his head. Soft and careful, afraid that I might hurt him.
“Did I sleep too much?” His voice was hoarse when he asked that.
I shook my head and took my hand away from him, he noticed it. The distance between us was close, not too close, but close enough for me to notice that he's scanning my face, wanting to say a word but chose not to. “Sangwon,” I called him.
“Hmm?”
“If I asked you out for a date, would you say yes?”
Shock was clearly evident in his face, as if he didn't expect to hear that from me. Even I didn't. But I just… I don't want to miss another chance. I watched how his expression turned soft eventually. “I’m just waiting for you to ask me,” he said.
“I’m sorry. It took a bit long for me to admit it.” I told him. Vague, but his expression showed that he understood.
“I felt the same, Leo.” He said, voice softer than usual. “Your presence brought me comfort, something I haven't felt for a while now. I didn't realize it at first, but I found myself longing for it.”
It was music to my ears.
He reached for my hand that was sitting on my lap and brought it back to his hair. My heart swelled out of happiness when he did that and said, “You don't have to say sorry, you know? You chose the right time.”
I believed so. I hoped that what he said was true, that it is just the right time for us.
But then again, life is just too cruel. Giving me multiple lives… but not really letting me live through it. Not even once. Never.
It was his request to meet me at Baustelle, he said he wanted to tell me something important aside from our first official date. I’ve been excited the whole day to the point that I even asked Anxin and Xinlong to check my outfit. The two just smiled and looked at me knowingly before telling me I looked good.
I’m on the other side of the road, waiting for the stoplight to turn red so I can cross it. I can already see him from the outside of the coffee house. I let out a silent gasp when I saw him sitting at the corner, the table I used to occupy back then while waiting for him to serve my ashatchu and cheesecake.
I told myself it's probably a coincidence, not until I saw that he's wearing that same brown knitted sweater he wore about… a hundred years ago. He was writing on his paper again but it didn't look like one of those projects of his since he was writing with a small smile plastered on his lips. I stared, waiting for him to look at me… but he didn't.
I couldn't think straight. I had a strong gut feeling to cross the road, the light was still green with a few cars passing by. I suddenly want to run toward him, hug him, kiss him, and tell him that I waited for him in our previous lifetime. I waited, even without any assurance that he would come back. After all, I was just that regular customer who used to order the coffee he once gave me. At that moment, I don't even care if he remembers me or not. I just… want him to know.
I crossed it. I want to get close to him as fast as possible and never leave his side.
But even before he could meet my eyes, I was thrown away after being hit by something. Was it a truck? I do not know. That moment… Everything hurts. My body, almost numb, my heart… And then I felt someone lift my hand, it was shaking uncontrollably. The sound of the ambulance rang in my ears while someone was trying to call me, hoping that I would respond. But I just couldn't.
I did try my best to remain conscious, to open my eyes even just for the last time. And then I saw him, his eyes were wet from crying but I just couldn't… I couldn't see him. My vision was blurry, my other senses were failing me already, and then I managed to say something before my life was taken away again.
“I’m sorry. I will find you again. I…” I promise.
Year 1901
“until we meet again”
Destiny took a pity on me in my next life. Just a little. But not really.
Sangwon and I grew up together. My family just got back from Australia when I met him. I was eight, as I remember, and he was just a year younger than me.
Unlike the previous lifetimes with him, this time, I got to finally know him properly. He was that quiet kid who always had that gentle smile on his lips whenever he's talking to someone.
I found out how sensitive he is to smell, how particular he is when it comes to his things, and how clean he is when it comes to his surroundings. There was one time when we just got back from school and his mom invited me for snacks, so I went to their home. He was showering when I went to his room and lay on his bed with my school uniform… and he got mad at me. Not totally mad, but he definitely threatened me not to do it next time.
I never took anything lightly from him this time.
Destiny might have been easy for me this time, giving me the chance to be with him from his childhood… but I know it wouldn't last.
“I’m sorry, Leo. He’s still at the hospital,” the gentleness of his mother’s voice rang in my ear while I was standing in front of their house since it's been weeks since the last time I saw him. “I told him you kept coming back here to check on him… but he didn't want anyone to visit him,” she added.
I nodded quietly, heart heavy because of what she said. From what I understand, he didn't want to see me. Or maybe he didn't want me to see him.
“If he ever asked for me… Please just… just call me, Auntie.” I told her, not letting her see that I’m trying so hard not to break down in front of her.
Sangwon has a weak heart.
It was the reason why, instead of playing along with the other kids in our neighborhood when we were kids, we would rather stay inside his family house or mine and just hang out. Sometimes we read books, there are times when we watched some documentary films he liked. It was a very uneventful day that I shared with him, and I enjoyed each of it.
When we were together, he never once complained about his heart. Sometimes I would watch him secretly clutching his chest and then I would pretend I didn't see it to not worry him. But the truth is, I was worried sick.
“I’m fine, Leo hyung. It just… hurts a little.” We were sitting on the sofa in their living room that day. I just finished my class and went straight to their house.
I held his arm, worried. He looked okay, just a little pale. “Should I call your mom? Or—”
He just rested his head on my shoulders, as if telling me that he was really okay. “It's your first day as a music student. How’s college, hyung?” He asked, his voice was soft but weak, almost like a whisper.
“It was fine, won… But I did hope you were with me.” I said as I wrapped my arms around his shoulders so he could lean on me properly. Feeling his slow and deep breaths on my skin makes me worried. He was clearly having a hard time.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered.
“Are you sure you don't want me to call your mom? Won, you looked really weak right now.” I said worriedly. If only I could take away the pain from him, I would, without any ounce of hesitation.
He shook his head lightly. “Just please… stay, hyung.”
I did. I promised I would.
“He's sleeping. He would definitely get grumpy once he sees you inside. He doesn't want you to worry.” It was Sangwon’s dad who guided me towards his hospital room. It’s been more than a month since he was brought here, and the first time I would see him.
“Thank you, Uncle. I’ll try and talk to him.”
When he opened the door, I saw Sangwon lying on his bed, sleeping. He lost a lot of weight in just a month here in the hospital… and he definitely looked weaker than the last time I saw him. He looked… fragile. And I’m suddenly afraid to hold him.
“I’ll be outside. Just call me if you need anything.” His father’s last word before he left me alone in Sangwon’s room.
He looked pale, weak, a bit lifeless. Far from the Sangwon I knew from the previous two lifetimes with him. The Sangwon I knew before was bright, someone who never failed to make my world feel light with just his smiles. When I touched his hand, I almost wanted to cry.
From our last lifetime, it was him who held me like this. It was a moment I never wanted to remember again. When I met him again 15 years ago, one glance and I recognized him immediately. I remember being scolded by my mom for hugging a stranger kid, as if he was someone I’ve known for a very long time.
I told myself I’ll do better this time. I wanted to be careful… to be conscious of everything that he does, to not let him go out of sight like the first time. Somehow, I am grateful that I finally get to experience a life with him this time, even though a part of me is thinking that it wouldn't be that long.
“I promised to find you again, right?” I whispered, trying to remember my last words years ago. “It didn't take long this time, but the fear is still here, Sangwon. I just wanted to be with you for a long time… even though I know it wouldn't be possible.”
I held his hand carefully, tracing my fingers lightly on his palm. It was a bit cold, but still soft. Then I realized I never got to hold him like this. Not this close. Back then, he slipped away before I could even hold him, before I could even tell him the things I wanted him to know.
I pulled the chair and sat beside his bed, still holding his hand. Carefully, I held it close to my lips, wanting him to feel my presence, hoping that he would stay like this for the meantime because I don't want him to see how miserable I am for wanting to hold him close.
“I haven't told you yet… but I’ve already lived many lifetimes, Sangwon. Each of it was the same, a cycle that I know, will never end. Back then, I would just try and live and get away with each of it every single time. I met a lot of people, some whose faces are still clear from my memory, but that's it. There were no happy memories to hold on to.” My heart tightened while I was telling him those things. It was as if… I kept everything hidden, unsaid, until I just couldn't take it.
I caressed his hand again, placing a small kiss on it. Soft, gentle. As if I am holding a glass that might break in any second. “And then you came.” I said, remembering the very first time I saw him behind the counter at Baustelle. “This is only our third lifetime together… all were too short to even call a ‘lifetime,’ but it was enough to save me from the misery, from the loneliness I felt all these years.”
“It's already our third lifetime together… and I regret not being able to tell you everything. That…” The scene from our first lifetime replayed in my mind. “I waited for you. I waited at that table inside Baustelle, hoping that you would come back. I wanted to tell you that your ashatchu tasted good.” And then the second… “I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry… for leaving even if I didn't mean to. We spent several months together inside that library without you knowing that instead of finishing a book, it was you whom I studied.”
“I’m pathetic, aren't I? You deserve to know that you are someone easy to understand, someone easy to love. But after all these days… I still haven't told you that…” I tried to hold it in, but a tear slipped from my eyes when I felt how his hand tightened from my grip.
“I love you, Sangwon. In every lifetime I’ve spent with you, up until this day… I have loved you with all my heart that if destiny would give me a chance, I will sacrifice my next lifetimes just to let you live. Just to be with you.”
“Leo.”
My heart almost stopped when I heard his voice. When I looked up to him, he was already staring at me with those soulful eyes. Those eyes that I would like to see everyday—every time I wake up and even before I sleep. All these years, I’ve been wishing to experience that with him.
“You don't have to do that.” He said, his voice was hoarse with a hint of tiredness. “If… by any chance, this would be my last day for this lifetime—”
I stared at him, eyes full of tears this time. “Sangwon, don't say that.”
He shook his head and gripped my hands tightly. “Find me.”
I’m sorry. I will find you again. I… I promise.
“Find me again in your next lifetime, Leo.” He said, as if asking for my assurance. “Find me and I promise to recognize you when that time comes.”
“Sangwon…”
He smiled at me, weakly this time. “Can you sleep with me tonight? I want to hug you,” he asked, moving slightly on his hospital bed to give me space. His bed was big enough to accommodate two people, but I’m so afraid to be that close to him. Afraid that once I hold him… he might slip away. “Please?” He asked again, and I knew he didn't have to repeat it again.
I settled myself beside him, his head carefully lying on my shoulders. He felt more fragile than the last time he leaned onto me like this. He noticed how stiffed my body was, so he had to get my other hand and wrap it around his waist. I caressed him lightly, afraid that he might break but at the same time, I wanted to hold him closer so he wouldn't go away from me.
But I know I couldn't.
“Your voice woke me up earlier and… I heard everything.” he whispered, his hand rested on my chest. He glanced at me and smiled a little. “I’m still confused… but fascinated at the same time. And I felt sorry, too. I’m sorry you have to live all your lifetime alone.” When he said that, he moved closer and nuzzled his head on my chest. “I hope your next lifetime will be the happiest. I promise to be there next time so you won't feel alone anymore.”
I just nodded at him, placing a soft kiss on his forehead.
If welcoming another lifetime meant losing you today, I don’t want it.
“Sleep now, Leo. I promise to welcome you tomorrow.” It was the last thing he told me before we both drifted to sleep, my arms were still wrapped around him lightly, never wanting to let go.
It didn't come.
The tomorrow with him that he promised didn't come.
“I’m sorry, Leo.” Sangwon’s mom wrapped me around in her arms after the burial. “Everything must’ve been hard for you… but please know that he loved you. Sangwon loved you dearly, son. Even while lying in his hospital bed, lifeless, the last person he wanted to see was you.”
Love me again next lifetime, Sangwon. Maybe by then, life wouldn't be too cruel for us.
Year 2026
“nice to meet you”
“Our celebrity friend is finally here!” It was Anxin who welcomed me when I entered the coffee shop. Some people from the other tables even glanced at us because of his loud voice.
“Congratulations on your debut, Leo hyung!” Xinlong went to my side and playfully pinched my waist.
I winced and then grinned right after. “Thank you, really. But you didn't have to do this, you know.”
“We want to!” Anxin said and offered me a chair. “Well, honestly, this is Sanghyeon’s idea. He figured you won't have time to celebrate since your parents are still in Australia,” he added before placing a slice of basque cheesecake in front of me.
When I looked at our table, I realized it was filled with pastries and drinks. And they made sure I have my favorites: ashatchu and cheesecake.
“Where is he, anyway?” I asked, looking around to find Sanghyeon.
Xinlong noticed and answered, “He was just talking to the cafe’s manager earlier. He said he was his friend.”
And then Anxin suddenly pointed at the cafe’s kitchen. “There, Sanghyeon! Leo hyung is here!”
Sanghyeon went out, a big smile was plastered on his like the usual. His arm was draped around another man who was wearing a black apron. I figured, he’s probably the manager friend Xinlong mentioned. The man was nodding at Sanghyeon with a small smirk on his lips.
When Sanghyeon saw me, his eyes brightened. “Leo hyung!” He ran towards me and gave me a hug.
“Hey, hyeon. This is very unmanly of you.” I teased, tapping his back a little.
“I’m just being sweet, hyung. This ain't new.” He said and then took himself away from me. He glanced at his friend and told him to come to our table. “This is Sangwon, by the way. He's the manager of this cafe so I asked for a little request.”
The man named Sangwon smiled and waved his hand a little. “Just tell me if you need anything else. It's in the house.” He said.
I stared at him, a bit in awe. He probably noticed it so he glanced at me as well. His head tilted, as if studying me, and then he offered me a smile that somehow hurt my chest. It looked genuine. And familiar. But I couldn't grasp where I saw it.
Sanghyeon noticed my stares so he chuckled and pointed at me while looking at his friend. “He's the one I told you about. Leo. He just released a song so we're celebrating.”
Sangwon smiled again and nodded. “You said it many times already,” and then he glanced at me again. “Congratulations. I hope you liked the coffee. Sanghyeon said it’s your favorite.” He has a pretty voice too, aside from his pretty face.
I nodded. “It tastes good. I like it.” I stared at the cup of ashatchu in front of me and then my eyes went back to him, his eyes were still on me, though. It was as if he was expecting another reaction from me. “And nice to meet you, by the way.”
His smile grew more, softer this time. When he did that, his eyes smiled along with his lips.
“It was nice meeting you too, Leo.”