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“I need you two to have a fight tonight.”
Bruce’s statement confused the two kids in front of him quite a bit, and the “adult” to his left more than could be called acceptable. “HUH?”
“Father,” Damian growled, “I was under the impression we were supposed to ‘get along’ in public. This gala is public, and a united front is vital for our collective image.”
“What he said,” Tim muttered in confusion, wheels turning behind those very tired eyes. The concealer wasn’t going to last very long. “We’ve been working on it.”
“What’s going on, Bruce?” Dick almost glared at the man. He’d been working on getting these two to be less antagonistic for the better part of a year. Starting a public fight was very counterintuitive.
Bruce sighed slightly, rubbing his temple instead of his eyes like he wanted to. “Nothing dramatic. Just a small tiff that will be forgotten before nine.”
“Is this a distraction or an extraction?” Tim was starting to get it. Kid got really good at reading him over the years.
Dick jerked his head around. “Say what now?”
“Extraction,” Bruce confirmed.
“Extraction from what?” Dick still didn’t get the full picture.
“The gala,” Tim concluded, nodding along with Bruce. “If it wasn’t a foster care reform charity, you would have ditched tonight.”
“62 hours,” their dad almost whined. “And I spent the last 10 with Hal, Ollie, Guy, and Booster Gold. I want an excuse to leave early, but it’s not a school night.”
“A fight between myself and Drake would be a good reason to leave early,” Damian admitted. “Should I draw blood?”
“I think a screaming match is more than enough,” Tim interjected. He eyed the youngest’s clothes and then his own. With a sigh, he came up with a plan. “Okay, it’s easy. You get drinks, turn your head momentarily looking at something while walking, and crash into me with them. Total accident, I get mad, you get defensive, Bruce breaks it up, and we get dragged to the car. Good?”
“Tt. It’s decent.”
Bruce nodded. “Sounds good to me. No blood, Damian.”
“OR!” Dick interjected, deliberately taking attention over the kid’s pout. “Or we can try a more subtle way to get out.”
“Open to ideas,” Tim admitted, not really up for a verbal match with the brat that night.
“What do you have in mind?” Bruce would prefer something that couldn’t be blown up badly by accident, but a verbal spat between siblings was the best his brain could come up with at the moment.
Dick grinned, looking at Damian. “Dami here’s quite small and childlike. The gala’s late enough already. All he has to do is go to you in the middle of a conversation, say he’s tired and wants to be carried, and you just pick him up and take him to the car. Easy peasy and you’ll get a cute photo-op.”
“How dare you! I would never do something so undignified!” Damian's immediate rejection hit Bruce harder than he liked, instantly liking the idea better than a casual fight. He couldn’t recall a chance to carry Damian to bed, and the idea of a picture of that making it to the papers was something he would cherish for quite some time. It was something he did with Dick when he was little and Jason when he literally fell asleep on his feet. Come to think of it, he guided a sleepy Tim out of galas a few time too, and he was just as adorable. Damian saying no actually hurt.
“It’s better than a fight,” Dick pointed out. “Lot less stigma afterwards, too.”
“It is embarrassing and not worth considering, Grayson! Only a needy infant would do such a thing!”
“I volunteer as tribute!” Tim raised a hand, holding back a smile. He’d been watching Bruce’s facial expressions and saw an opportunity. “I’m still cute and lovable. I can pull it off.”
“Tim, you’re 17.” Dick gave him a small glare, clearly wanting the photo-op, and annoyed Tim was getting in the way. “No one’s gonna leave you alone if you -”
“Then I’ll just headbutt his shoulder and whine about GED prep and corporate meetings and dang it! I’ve been up 54 hours, and I want a nap! I am holding it together with energy drinks and pure spite!” He looked over to Bruce, just as tired as he was. “If acting like a whiny, sleepy kid gets both of us some sleep, I’ll take it! Damian’s too much of a coward to act cute and cuddly in public.”
“I am not a coward!” That got the kid going. “I can be cute and cuddly in public, and I will prove it! Father, I will be demanding rest in one hour’s time, and you will carry me out proudly. No one will prevent our escape.”
“You just said it was undignified.”
Damian glared back at Tim. “My honor will not be besmirched by a sleep-deprived dropout.”
“Looks like you got your fight,” Dick muttered back to Bruce.
“And looks like you’re getting your photo-op.” Bruce couldn’t help the small smile on his lips as those two argued on who was better at acting like a sleepy child and being the better excuse to leave the gala early. Frankly, he was really looking forward to seeing how they got him out of there.
One hour later, Bruce was carrying Damian in one arm and guiding a genuinely sleepy Tim with the other. Dick broke their way through the crowd and shortly after they made it to the car, all three were out cold. The press loved the pictures from that night, and Dick sent out the one from the car to everyone who cared about them. Best extraction plan ever.