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Was it supposed to feel like this? Sunlight on his hands. Hands moving cautiously, shifting his hair back.
Dude, Itadori's voice says, in Megumi's head. Take back control, please.
Megumi doesn't. He watches from the back of his mind - their shared mindspace, a sort of convergence of Yuuji's mindspace and his own. He's sitting at the border between something that's uniquely his, and a common space. He knows by now that if Yuuji wanted to, he could probably supercede their boundaries and take over the entirety of Megumi's mind, but he can't do the same for Yuuji.
Their shared space is cozy, like a Twitch streamer's room or something. Beanbags, carpets. Dark blues, browns, greens, colours Megumi finds soothing. Textures that are soft too.
It's a nicer place to sit in than Megumi's own mindspace, which feels like Chimera Shadow Garden but tastes like blood, smells like blood, and weighs him down like guilt.
So he sits at the very corner. In the beanbag. Leaning back so one of his hands is still in his space.
You shouldn't have done that, Itadori, Megumi says. Even in his thoughts, not spoken aloud, his voice is rough. It's been a while since he tried to communicate with anyone.
You know, you can call me Yuuji, Itadori offers up. And I didn't know what else to do. He was going to kill you.
You should've let him, Megumi thinks.
Yuuji's dissent washes over him. Images flood his mind, quickly, subtly. Megumi's own voice in the past, "Start by saving me, Itadori." And something else. An emotion that's bright and warm and loving. A sort of tenderness.
You still don't understand, how much you mean to me, Itadori says.
He's finished doing Megumi's hair, and Megumi, despite himself, prompts him towards the bedside table. Megumi doesn't care about taking his meds, feels like he deserves to suffer. But Yuuji is in head too, and the last thing he wants Yuuji to deal with on top of all the other bullshit is untreated depression.
Hey! You thought of me as Yuuji.
Don't read my thoughts, you creep, Megumi projects at him, taking back control for a few seconds to riffle through the drawers and find the pill bottles, measuring it out, taking the dosage, and then stepping back again.
Didn't, Yuuji says. I could just feel my name. I'm not going to intrude, okay? I mean. More than I already have. I'm sorry. I couldn't let you die, and I couldn't defeat Sukuna. I didn't mean to tie you down here with me.
Megumi shakes his head. I'm okay being tied to you, he says.
They go to their scheduled meeting with Gojo. Yuuji pilots the body with too much of a swing in his step, but he doesn't know how not to do that. How not to be himself. Anyone looking at Megumi will be able to tell it's not really Megumi, from Yuuji's disposition, visible and at the forefront of Megumi's body.
Yuuji hates himself sometimes. Maybe part of it bleeds into Megumi's mindspace, because his voice echoes in Yuuji's thoughts. It's okay. You're okay. You don't have to pretend to be me.
We're seeing Gojo, Yuuji thinks back frantically. What if he's mad?
Yuuji, you saved me. If I'd been stronger, none of this would've been needed. If he's going to be mad at anyone, it'll be me.
Yuuji frowns, disagreeing sharply. Before he can put his disagreement in words, he finds himself at Gojo's office. He knocks on the door, and at Gojo's response, lets himself in.
"Ah." Gojo stares at them both. Yuuji and Megumi, both in Megumi's body.
Yuuji wonders what he sees.
"Hi," Yuuji says.
"Have a seat," Gojo says. His voice is even. He takes his blindfold off, and squints. "Both of you."
Yuuji sits. He prods at the back of his mind, thinking, Megumi, help me, please!
Oh, I'm Megumi now?
Sorry, I meant, Fushiguro -
It's fine. You should call me Megumi. I always wondered why you didn't. Earlier.
Gojo clears his throat and they both startle.
"Quite a predicament you've both gotten yourselves into," he says. "So this is why Sukuna's running around causing havoc with Yuuji's body?"
Yuuji nods. "I'm sorry, Sensei," he says. "It was of utmost importance that I save Megumi."
He knows what it looks like. His eyes, directly under Megumi's, where Sukuna's used to be. They're mostly closed because Megumi lets him see using their shared vision, and it freaks Yuuji out a little bit. He's trying to get Megumi to come out, to take charge of his body. But after everything Sukuna did to him, Megumi's been staying in a corner in their mind. Making himself small and quiet. Yuuji understands. He knows whatever Sukuna did to Megumi in Megumi's body was a billion times worse than anything Sukuna ever could do to him.
He just wishes it was easier for Megumi. That he could take away the pain. Make it hurt less.
"By making him a vessel and using his body like a mecha?" Gojo raises an eyebrow.
Yuuji goes silent, ashamed.
Megumi takes over in that moment, speaking aloud for the first time in months. "Shut up, it's not Yuuji's fault that it came to this. I'm the one who's... I'm not ready to resurface."
Gojo's face falls. "Megumi," he murmurs, taking their hands in his.
"Yuuji's ensuring I stay alive," Megumi admits, quietly. Yuuji retreats as much as he can, giving Gojo and Megumi some time to talk to each other, in complete privacy.
Thank you, Megumi's voice murmurs internally, to him.
Anything for you, Yuuji thinks. He doesn't think I love you, but it's hard to hide a sentiment like that when their consciousnesses orbit each other so closely. He wouldn't be surprised if Megumi already knew.
Megumi mumbles a few things, frowning like they all hurt to say. Guilt, over Sukuna. Shame, over his perceived weakness, over what Sukuna did to him. As if he hadn't put up one hell of a fight. Grief, over Tsumiki. And fear, that Satoru would look at him differently now.
Satoru just holds his hands. Lets him get it out. He doesn't know what his kid needs to hear. Doesn't know how to comfort people. But he finally says, softly, "You've been so brave, Megs, I'm glad you're still here," and then he looks away, as Megumi covers his face in his hands and blinks away tears.
Once Megumi is more composed, Satoru asks, "Yuuji? Care to come out?"
The pair of eyes under Megumi's blink open. It's uncanny, because that second set of eyes has never looked friendly, but right now they're caring and considerate. Warm brown, focusing on Satoru.
"Do we have a plan?" he says, using Megumi's mouth. Satoru imagines Megumi isn't a fan of the random appearance of mouths on his cheek or palm for Yuuji to talk through.
"To get your body back from Sukuna? Yes, we do have a strategy." Satoru puts his hand in his palms, and looks at them both. "You're not going to like it."
Four eyes look at him warily.
"It involves Kenjaku," he says, putting his head in his hands. "I don't like it either."
Once they've finished strategizing, Yuuji asks, "Sensei, what do we look like to you?"
Satoru frowns. "You mean, what your cursed energies look like, or something deeper?"
"You know what he means." It's clear it's Megumi, by the deadpan tone. Yuuji, even in Megumi's deeper voice, retains his usual upbeat way of speaking.
"Well, I don't want to make this weird," Satoru says. Wonders how much he should say, but those four eyes are focused on him, and he can't resist the requests of his precious students, "but your souls are astonishingly compatible. Like, Yuuji's red, and Megs, you're blue, and there's bits of purple in places inside you. I think your cursed energies are also coexisting, similarly. I don't want to dishearten you, but in the worst case, if we can't retrieve Yuuji's body from Sukuna's... I think you both could live a long life just like this. There's no symbiotism, is what I mean. You have a natural balance."
"Did you just call us soulmates?" Yuuji's mouth manifests on Megumi's cheek to say, at the same time that Megumi says, "Are you fucking quoting Colors by Halsey at us right now?"
Then Megumi scrunches up his face in disgust. "Not the extra mouth, Yuuji!"
"Sorry!" the mouth apologizes, before disappearing.
Satoru grins despite himself. His students are so cute.
They walk back to Megumi's room together. Yuuji hasn't demanded they stay in his room at all, letting Megumi surround himself in the familiarity of his own space, even if he's partially dormant in his own head.
The familiarity of physical surroundings does help. Megumi's always been someone who derived comfort from textures and colours, and being in his room feels healing, even if it's just incremental.
Today, he flops onto their bed, tries to give Yuuji more control, but Yuuji doesn't let him. He's forced to stay in his body, forced to deal with the wrongness of it all -
Hey. Tell me about Colors by Halsey?
Pfft. Despite himself, Megumi smirks. "It's an English song," he says. "I knew Gojo listened to Tsumiki and my playlist. He raised us to speak four languages, and Tsumiki and I had playlists of songs in different languages because we liked that we could understand them. If I find my guitar I can play it for you."
That'd be nice. I think I'd like how it feels if you do that. I don't have a single musical bone in my body, you know. Can't play an instrument or sing in key for shit, dude.
Megumi grins. "I know."
While he's riffling through his cupboard, trying to find where he stashed his guitar, Yuuji's thinking about soulmates loudly enough that it makes its way into Megumi's mind.
What, Megumi thinks, with intent.
Just thinking, Yuuji thinks back. I'm sorry you're stuck with me.
Megumi sinks to the floor. No, it's me who's sorry, he thinks. You can't have a normal life, in my body. I don't know if I'd be okay with you dating girls or having sex or whatever normal boys do. And I'm not as strong as you used to be. I wish I could just close my eyes and let you pilot in entirety but whenever I think of you using my body in certain ways I just feel sick. You know what Sukuna did in my body, right?
Megumi, I'm sorry, Yuuji says, and Megumi realises, with alarm, that he'd accidentally fed Yuuji a few snapshots. Images of blood and gore. Tsumiki's body bleeding to death as he stared at her. Hana, with fear in her eyes, pushing against him and trying to get him to let go.
He blinks, trying to come back to himself.
I'm really sorry for what he did to you, Yuuji thinks. We'll find him and defeat him. I'll make him pay.
I don't want to talk about it right now, or even think about it, Megumi projects, pressing his back against the closet door. Please.
Okay.
Silence for a moment, and then, It's been a while since I've imagined myself having a normal life, Megumi. I'm okay like this.
Megumi waits for him to say more.
I don't want to date girls or have sex with them. I haven't, in a while.
Megumi sits up, no longer slouching, startled into alertness. What do you mean?
Oh. So you really don't know. Yuuji sounds surprised. Okay, can I project it?
Megumi hesitates. But this is Yuuji. His best friend. Sure.
And then he's hit with - is that a Tiktok? a mental Tiktok? - a montage. Of moments, of feeling. Of time Yuuji's spent with Megumi. Of a feeling of loneliness that somehow disappears around Megumi. Of the way Yuuji's looking at him when Megumi's not paying attention, at the way he smiles at Megumi. Of moments in danger when Megumi is his first thought. And shy thoughts too, things like he looks so nice in those jeans or that jacket brings out his eyes. And dates, imagined dates, Yuuji taking Megumi to the beach or to the movies or for a picnic and holding his hand and being able to make Megumi feel safe and feel loved and -
Stop, Megumi thinks firmly. Retreats slowly into Chimera Shadow Garden. Takes a few deep breaths, tries to ground himself. Thinks he might be on the verge of crying.
Yuuji's mental state doesn't seem to be too good either, freaking out about whether he overwhelmed Megumi in a way that was disrespectful to him.
If one of them doesn't do something about this, the body will end up having a panic attack.
Megumi thinks of Gojo's words to him, calling him brave. He opens his eyes in his mindspace, steps out of the Shadow Garden into the space that belongs to them both. Calls out to Yuuji, and Yuuji, who's sitting on the sofa, head in his hands, looks up at him.
All his resolve shatters as their eyes meet, and Megumi runs towards him, practically throws himself into Yuuji's arms. Holds, and lets himself be held.
I love you, he says. The intensity with which he says it, the feelings he probably transmits, have Yuuji staring at him, face beautifully flushed.
I love you too, he says again. But I'm too broken right now. No- don't disagree. I don't feel... okay. Or whole. And I don't think I can be in a relationship with you right now. I'm sorry.
That's okay, Yuuji responds, quietly. His hands gently wipe away the tears from Megumi's cheeks - Megumi notes that Yuuji's eyes look a little wet too. I don't want anything from you that you're not willing to give me.
I want to, Megumi says, the strength of the desire surprising even him. I really want to. But not now. Not when I'm - not until I feel more mentally together. I don't want us to build on unsteady foundations. I love you too much for that.
Yuuji presses a kiss to his forehead. I love you too, he repeats.
Somewhere else, Satoru sighs, messaging Yuki about souls and the magics that pertain to human soulbonds.
He can sense the way Yuuji's warm cherry red soul and Megumi's cerulean blue are slowly blending into a soft and calm lavender.
Satoru has so many questions, most of which he can't think of an answer for. He supposes he'll just have to make his peace with that.