Chapter Text
“The red head?” Felix points discreetly.
“Ew, pass.” Minho deadpans.
The cafeteria is filled with a familiar smell of industrial food, the sound of chattering and forks on ceramic plates.
“Fuck—don’t say “ew” while looking at him, indiscreet bitch.“ He browses the room once again. “The piercing guy here, with the red shirt?”
“Pass, Felix. Do you even know me?” Minho repeats, poking at his sausage with his fork.
“I forgot how boring it is to play this game with you.” Felix almost gives up, eyeing the room one last time for any smashable face. “The one at the door. The Asian one.”
Minho lifts his eyes up towards the door, his gaze making its way among the bunch of students and their meal trays.
Minho watches intently how the boy smiles to his friend, his cheeks rounding up, neck long and exposed by his head balancing back. It was about time Felix found someone worthy of a smash, he thinks.
“Hm..Smash.” He confirms.
“Really?” Felix looks up again and stares now that the stranger’s features are worth a look.
Hyunjin lifts his head up from his phone and turns around discreetly, curious to know who could earn a precious smashfrom Minho, before spinning back abruptly in his seat.
“You’re talking about Han Jisung? The dude in the tank top?” They nod. “Don’t — ever!” He gestures stop signs dramatically. “I thought I knew real fuckboys before, but this guy… is the ultimate one!“ He's so expressive it sounds like the new trailer of a bad blockbuster. “Fucked the whole cheer-leading team when he was in high school. I heard he even fucked a teacher!” He whispers.
“A teacher? In high school? It’s illegal, Hyunjin.” Minho mocks him, hardly convinced after all the times Hyunjin has spread false rumors.
He looks up at the boy queuing next to his friend, his smile does have something of a charmer.
“I swear! Bin has known him since 9th grade. He’s a massive cheater. I went to a party with him this summer, he tried to hit on me before he knew I had a boyfriend.”
“He’s coming this way.” Felix shuts him up.
The tank top guy passes by them with his friends, Hyunjin answers with a smile to the boy’s cool peace sign. His cologne lingers in his path like fuckboy’s pheromones trying to lure dogs in heat.
“Damn, you sure don’t forget about him before a few minutes…” Felix says, covering his nose, succeeding in making them laugh.
“Bin told me he was forced to move out ‘cause he fucked too loud in his first dorm. They literally went to complain to the administration.”
“What the fuck… is he a first year?” Minho questions.
“No, he’s a senior like us.”
“Never heard of him.” It's not surprising, considering how many students there is on campus.
“He majors in Music.”
“Hm.“
They talk shit about the poor fuckboy’s adventures: how he tried to hit on Hyunjin, the one time he was caught by his ex girlfriend cheating, the rumors about him being a fuckboy… Hyunjin becomes a machine when it comes to gossiping, it’s like a talent. With his theatrical gestures, his ruthless humor, he knows how to keep them on their toes, laughing and asking for more.
So when Changbin invites them to Han’s party a few days later, they exchange knowing looks.
“What?” Changbin catches on the mood shift. “What?! You know him? Is it about when he flirted with you?”
“From what I know it’s about when he flirts with absolutely everyone.” Felix lets slip.
“Babe. What did you tell them?” Changbin complains with a whine like he often does.
“Oh my god, as if it was my fault he slept with everybody we know!”
“You’re exaggerating.”
“Yeah the others he just couldn’t. Why are you defending him, he’s not even your friend!”
“Well, for your information the project we’re working on brought us closer and I see him far more than I see you these days!”
Hyunjin makes a hurt expression, his mouth wide open. “Cheating on me with a fuckboy…” he scoffs with his mouth stupidly wide open.
Changbin sighs exasperatedly trying to cover Hyunjin’s mouth. “He wants you guys to come for, like a housewarming party. He moved in recently.”
“I hope his new walls are soundproof this time.” Felix snickers.
Changbin glances at Hyunjin again with an angry stare.
“I can’t hold a secret, babe! It’s about time you realize that!” They bicker again.
Minho thinks about partying in his tiny dorm; even though it’s small, it’s cozy after three years. But certainly not made to throw a party. It’s perfect to invite Felix and Hyunjin, Changbin can squeeze in if he really wishes but he rarely invades their trio.
“Why did he invite us, he doesn’t even know us?” Minho sure wouldn’t be inviting strangers if he were to throw a party.
“Cause we’re closer I guess… He wants to meet my boyfriend’s friends.” Changbin passes an arm around the said boyfriend.
Felix narrows his eyes. “Who else did he invite?”
“I don’t know… I’m coming with Chan, that’s all I know. Do you want to come, yes or no?”
“Well, I can’t say no to a party.” Felix turns towards Minho.
They all turn towards him.
It’s not that he doesn’t like partying… It’s a whole bunch of things that made him slowly back away from the night life: it’s their final year, a really important one, one he must not fuck up. Also, drinking this much is bad for your health, not to mention sleeping so late and having people in your bed giving you infections. Or heartaches…
“Is it in our power to beg you to come?” Hyunjin joins his hands like he is ready to plead.
“It’s in your power to beg.” Minho sighs. “It’s in my power to say yes or no.” Even though he sincerely doesn’t know if he’ll join them yet, he enjoys feeling wanted. “I think I’ll tell you on the day.” He smiles, satisfied with their fed up reactions.
After that invitation Han Jisung appears far more often in Minho’s field of vision. It's like that thing when you learn about something once and then keep hearing about it every time. He realizes the boy is in his Music History class and that their dorms are probably in the same building because they cross paths several times that week, Han greeting him every time with a boyish grin that he probably rehearsed in the mirror of his bathroom…
When Friday comes, Minho is exhausted by the week of training and lessons, he almost falls asleep after collapsing on his single bed. The last thing he wants to do is pretend he’s enjoying himself in a room full of people he doesn’t know. So after gathering the strength to take his phone out, he sends a quick text saying he won’t join his friends tonight, wishing them to have fun.
They know better than to insist; Minho is not the kind to give in, he’d rather remain stubborn. It’s in his core. When someone pulls the rope it makes him want to pull harder like they’re threatening his integrity. He takes pride in the simple statement he repeats himself: I chose this and I don’t change my mind easily. It doesn’t always serve him though, but like he said, he’s stubborn.
Around nine he hears a knock on the door. He puts on black shorts under his Radiohead t-shirt and opens the door, ignoring who it could be, the absence of a peephole something that bothers him every time. He can hear chattering behind the door though.
“Hey!” The three men cheer. Minho’s taken aback by the sudden gathering in front of his door but he quickly understands when he sees Felix’s expecting smile and Hyunjin’s guilty one. Adding to that there’s a boy who really resembles Han Jisung leaning on his door frame with an overly trying-to-be-charming grin.
“What are you doing here?” He deadpans with a narrow stare, trying to ignore Han who’s posture and perfume clearly ask too hard for attention.
“Hyung” Felix always hyungs him when he’s trying to get something. “We missed you.”
Hum… so he's trying to pull at his heartstrings.
“We came in person to beg you to come party with us.” His breath smells a bit of alcohol. All of them do actually, and it’s only 9.
Minho is surprised to see so much passion about whether he’s coming or not; they’re never so insisting. He’s the stubborn one. It makes him think his friends aren’t at the roots of this idea.
“Hyung!” Han adds with his boyish manners. “I’m Han Jisung, Hyunjin’s friend.” Hyunjin grimaces imperceptibly. “I know we never really met, but I really want you to come to my housewarming party. I'd love to meet you properly.” He isn’t drunk but he slurs the last words. Han almost pouts and it kind of looks cute on him.
Minho loves the praise but coming to his front door to root him out of his home is a bit over the top. It’s not like he’s the shining star in parties anyway, unless he’s wasted and starts dancing on tables he usually stays quiet. Why do they want him there so bad, anyway?
“I appreciate the dedication but…”
“Come on, It’ll be a little less warm without you…” Han cuts him off, fully pouting now. His bare arm is still flexing on the door frame, a contrast to his round features.
He chuckles internally. Why is it working so well? He tries to hide his trail of thought with a neutral expression but he accidentally lets his eyes linger on Han’s bicep, transfixed by the skin he seems to enjoy disclosing so much.
“I don’t think I’ll stay long but—” He’s interrupted by their cheers in unison. It makes him smile but he tries to repress it. On the other hand, Han’s smile is nothing near concealed, beaming with satisfaction even when he’s thrown out the door after trying to stay while Minho gets ready.
The duo gathers on Minho’s bed. They’re both all dolled up, Hyunjin even has a bit of glitter on his cheeks Felix probably forcefully put on him. They don’t stay silent for long.
“You sure you’re ok to come? We didn’t force you?” Felix worries.
“You literally came to kidnap me.” Minho looks at himself in the mirror, wondering how to erase the eye bags that have comfortably settled under his eyes for a few days.
“Oh my god! I told you we shouldn’t have! I tried to discourage them.” Hyunjin defends himself. Minho reassures him, he’s happy to come in the end, he wouldn't budge if it really annoyed him. “But that guy, Han, was feisty about it! When he realized you weren’t coming he made it his mission.”
“Yeah” Felix agrees with wide eyes. “He was shocked someone could ditch him— honestly only child behavior.” He lifts his hands in defense.
“Bitch” Hyunjin takes offense and Minho adds: “Yeah bitch, what do you have against only children?” He says halfway into his beige shirt. “Saying only child behavior is a fucking middle child behavior.” Minho snickers at his own joke and Hyunjin doubles down, clapping loud.
“But like, isn't he so entitled?” Felix asks in the bitchiest way.
Hyunjin stares at him with a knowing grin. “Don’t act like you don’t want to slip into his pants, Lix.” Minho pretends he doesn't care about their conversation, slipping on his fancy jeans. They’re a little tighter than usual. He may have let himself go eating ice cream and bread with mayonnaise in his bed for a few months.
Felix has his guilty bisexual-in-heat face on. “I’m a weak man. I’m a weak man, bro.”
“Is he even bi?” Minho acts detached, putting products in his hair to make them look less greasy. He doesn't care, it's not for him, he's not even on the market anyway.
“Everyone’s bi.” Felix states and it’s more something he wishes than something he believes in.
“Not me.” Minho disagrees and Hyunjin echoes.
“Ok so, that's today's theme: ganging up on me.” Felix rebels.
Minho checks himself one last time in his small mirror. He doesn't look so bad, that’s a good start. “Is there a lot of people?”
“Yeah, like fifteen, twenty…” Hyunjin gets up from the bed. Twenty? In a uni dorm? Minho hopes they’re not smoking inside.
“Did you bring something to drink? I have nothing. Should we go to the night shop first?”
“That’s alright we came with beers and a bottle of vodka, and there’s already more than enough there.“ Felix smiles at Minho in the mirror he’s been staring at for a minute. “Are you stressed?”
“Shut up, you’re stressed.” He fights back with sweaty armpits.
“Don’t worry, it’ll be fun, hyungie.” Felix nudges his side.
“Don’t hyung me, I’m already coming.” Minho takes his keys and throws them both out of his dorm.
The music can be heard from the end of the hallway.
So he, actually, doesn’t care about his neighbors...
Something with a bold bass and a seen and reviewed drop, some kind of techno. It’s even louder when they open the door.
・・・・・
“Yo! Lee-Min-Ho! I thought you would never come!” Han is a little more intoxicated than earlier and acts like a comedian.
There’s probably twenty people in the room but it seems like so much more. People are talking, sitting on the couch, on the bed, on the ground, next to a few people dancing. He knows a few from dance class but the others are probably from different sections. Music probably.
“Hey.” He doesn’t know how to act after such a fervid welcome. Thankfully he doesn’t have to because Han carries on.
“Do you want something to drink? Do you drink? I can make you a cocktail, we have beers, shots…” he lists. “You want shots?”
Waw… he does seem feisty.
“Hmm do you guys want shots?” Minho suddenly forgets what he wants under Han’s enthusiastic interrogation.
“YeAah we want shots!” Felix shakes him with elation.
That's how they end up drinking shots of vodka that taste like regret to Minho’s tongue.
It’s disgusting, he thinks, why is he doing this to himself? Oh yeah, he doesn’t know how to behave in public anymore.
The single room has a kitchen and a couch unlike Minho’s and it’s a lot wider. Even the bed isn’t quite as small as Minho’s and has two pillows, a twin size. Changbin smiles at him from where he is sitting on it, talking to a guy with baggy jeans, full black, nail polish and a silver chain wrapping his wrist. Damn hot. But straight. Or straight-looking. Where was he when they were playing Smash or Pass?
“I like Radiohead.” Han hides the scene, sitting next to him on the carpet.
“Hm?” Minho didn't hear. Or didn’t understand. He shifts his head to better listen.
“I like Radiohead too. Your shirt, earlier.” Han comes unnecessarily close to his ear but Minho pretends it doesn't make his nape shiver.
“Oh yeah. I saw your poster.” He points above Han’s bed.
“We can put some later, if you want.” Han leans back on his bulging arms, head on his shoulder exposing his neck. Fuck, that man is a snack for vampires.
“And make people depressed?” Minho huffs a laugh. “Not sure it's the best time…” Minho doesn’t know how to sit so cool like him.
Han laughs and it’s heart fluttering. “Yeah maybe when they’re gone then. Just for you and me.” He lifts his eyebrows.
Does it give him the ick or does he want to fuck him raw..? It’s a clever mix. Either way, heat rises to his ears as Felix and Hyunjin come back with drinks.
“What are you talking about?” Felix asks.
“Music.” Han answers, refocusing on them after staring into Minho’s soul.
“Oh yeah, isn’t it too loud for your neighbors?”
“They’re here.” He points at one and searches for the other but quickly gives up. “Always invite your neighbors when you plan on making noise.” He lifts a clever finger in the air.
Felix and Hyunjin try not to laugh but a snicker escapes the latter.
“What?”
“No, nothing! Sorry. I was thinking about something else.” Hyunjin waves his hand in apology. It visibly intrigues him but he chooses not to insist, as if he senses he doesn’t want to hear what Hyunjin truly thinks.
They chat more and Han isn’t just a fuckboy with no personality… he has a personality and is a fuckboy.
Worse.
Because now Minho is drinking and drinking, beers and cocktails Han insists on him to taste after he shakes them like a fucking professional bartender in his mini-shaker.
Minho finds it hard to focus when Han explains that he worked in a bar last summer and took on the habit of making cocktails when he throws parties, because it tastes so much better than mixing it in a plastic cup… but he finds it so hot. The only thing that could increase the taste of this Daiquiri would be for Han to shake it shirtless.
“Shots! Shots everyone!” Han points at several people at the same time. “Do you want a shot?” He’s a fucking jester. “Come here.” He says low, just for Minho, intertwining their arms without using force because Minho’s body's numb from the effect he has on him... “Love shot?” He grins and carries the glass to his lips, heat radiating from his arm where it brushes Minho’s skin. He swears his other hand caresses the side of his hip when the vodka scorches his throat but he’s too gone to acknowledge such a subtle touch.
And then..!
He’s puking in his toilets.
With his friends splashing cold water on the same very nape that was shivering excitedly earlier…
His bed feels so good, it sways but it’s all he needs. Better than crouching above the toilet bowl with tears in his eyes, snot running down his nose and fucking traitors of friends yapping about how obvious he was a few minutes ago.
Better than the next Saturday morning.
The nausea is massive. As is the shame… He doesn’t completely remember the end but Felix explains to him in detail, too early, too loud after sleeping next to him to ensure he doesn't vomit in his sleep and die. That’s a real friend. Even forced him to gulp a glass of water before going to sleep.
“That man got you wrapped around his finger!” He gawks. “I was stunned!” Felix teases with his stinky hungover breath in Minho’s face. “You can be sure I’m stepping out of the equation, that’s too great to see!”
“Shut up! Aaaah!” Minho cringes at himself when he thinks back to the previous night.
“Show me more! Show me more!” Felix jumps on the bed and Minho considers ending him. So he tells him, but it doesn’t work. The consequences of threatening too often without acting on it, he thinks.
Sunday is not the Lord's day, it’s a pain in the ass.
Minho wakes up at 6, like every Sunday, to work at the cafe near uni. His eye bags came back. Or never left. And he doesn’t want to remember anything he did Friday night, because every time his brain sends him images he’s either drinking Han’s words like a dumb teenager or stammering an answer.
Fuck! He knew how to be cool a few months earlier... How to small-talk, how to dress, how to flirt. Remarkable how quick all of this can just vanish when you get your heart broken and start focusing on taste-testing every sauce combination for your cheese sandwich.
He looks at himself in the employee’s private bathroom mirror. Is that what Han saw Friday night? His badly shaved skin, hazardous haircut and tired eyes? He grimaces and claps his cheeks twice. Clap-clap.
It’s his face, might as well be proud someone as hot as Han Jisung finds him attractive.
He tries not to think about how he blew his chance to listen to Radiohead alone with the hottest guy he knows. Maybe they're will be another one in the future, who knows.
・・・・・
Hyunjin looks at him with pity. “I just know it was the two of them when we left but… maybe they didn’t do anything.” He gestures excuses.
Felix sits back in his chair unconvinced. “Come ooon... We all know they fucked.”
Minho tries to contain the feelings that make his body tense.
“Yeah, that’s really likely…” Hyunjin admits sorry before becoming fervent again. “But that’s the problem with fuckboys, they can’t finish a party without someone in their bed! And that man is the definition of it!” His finger is accusatory, pointing to the sky for lack of the real culprit.
He looks at Minho. They avoided the subject until now, knowing how he can be really modest about his feelings and prefer to keep them to himself. But it's been plastered on his face since Hyunjin opened his mouth.
“How do you feel?” Felix talks with compassion.
And he feels fucking ashamed. Even worse than Saturday morning. At least he could hold onto the idea that he was being hit on by a popular, muscular, hot dude. But now he needs to share the podium for having sparked Han Jisung’s interest with a random chick from dance class?! And on top of that she ended up in his bed and not vomiting in her toilets!
He waves in annoyance, chasing the very essence of Han Jisung from his brain. “He’s just a fuckboy, I get it now. It’s not even worth talking about. He can fuck whoever he wants.” He snickers. “Just not me.” If his affection shows, they don’t comment on it and lift up the mood by bitching about him. It works until he walks by their table.
“Hey!” He holds his plastic tray in one hand, rests the other one on their table. “How you guys doing? It was so fun seeing you on Friday, I’m so glad you came.” He grins and looks at Minho. “Even if you needed a little boost to make up your mind.” He laughs like it’s a fucking joke but Minho’s stare makes his smile falter quickly. He wonders if Han sees him differently under the white neon lights of the cafeteria. If the spell is broken. “Did you get back alright? You seemed wrecked when you left.” His boyish smile and his cologne almost look like a caricature of himself now.
“Yep, no problem.” Minho ends him with one of his fake stiff smiles. He doesn’t add anything, there’s no point in pursuing the conversation.
Is it unfair? Probably. Too harsh? That's likely. But Minho is just like that. You want him or you don't.
“Ok, nice!” Han can’t be completely blind to the tension between them all but he makes a really good job at hiding it. “I’ll see you around!” He goes to sit further away with Bin and their straight hot friend.
“Douche.” Felix spits.
・・・・・
The party was a fun experience but after that night, Minho is back to sleeping early and focusing on that last year of bachelor. When he still refuses to go out partying, Felix and Hyunjin don’t restraint as much; they always find themselves in dorms or bars next to the campus, and Han is often there, acting like he owns the place, based on Hyunjin’s words.
It’s perfect like that: if he doesn’t go out, he doesn’t see Han’s face. Except when crossing paths at the cafeteria and in their Music History class or just randomly on campus or again in their shared building... It’s not like Han completely haunts him from his presence to his absence to the stories that are witnessed by his friends and brought back to his ears with bombast. No. Han’s no one in Minho’s life.
“I think that’s cheating.” Hyunjin is unwavering. “He’s a cheater, it’s in his core, it’s written on his face!”
Felix acts offended. “I once…” He takes his time to answer (for theatrical reasons). “Cheated. And you said it doesn’t make me a bad person.”
“Lola cheated on you first, it excuses most of it. And actually I excuse you! I don’t excuse him and I don’t care if it’s unfair!” Unwavering, still.
Changbin texts lazily on his phone next to Minho on the bed, listening.
“You gotta stop, babe.” He straightens up and puts his phone down. “You start to sound like a hypocrite. You don't even know what happened, or the people involved.” He says without an ounce of hate in his words like he only knows how to. “If you have a problem with him I get it, he’s not the most…” He clearly tries to search for a nice way to put it. “… loyal person I know, but that thing about him cheating was like in 10th grade or something, I’m not even sure if it wasn’t just a peck with a friend.” He slips from the bed to kiss Hyunjin’s pout. “Try to get along with him.” He bats his eyelashes and it fucking works. “For me.”
That’s all it takes for Han Jisung to be invited to every party they attend. As if he wasn’t already there enough. Even with all the loathing in the world, Hyunjin doesn’t succeed in hating him fully. He tries not to show it too much but it slips out of his lips once… How Han is particularly knowledgeable on the 90’s underground music and how he, in the end, isn’t just a brain dead fuckboy... Felix even says he’s fun and naturally attractive, but he was sold from the beginning. If you listen to them, it feels almost right for him to be always leaving with a pretty girl or, rarely but still noticeable, a pretty boy at the end of every party. It’s not a war crime anymore. He’s a fuckboy, but a good one.
Minho hates him.
“I like how you talk. Did someone ever tell you, you have a beautiful voice?” Han is leaning on the bar’s wooden table, threatening to put the sleeve of his 200$ hoodie in a puddle of sticky alcohol. From how low he said it, it was only addressed to him but everyone turned their gaze towards them.
Minho’s been talking about the last show he’s watching. Unaware of how Han Jisung was staring at him like he’s the Christ on a cross.
“Hm…” He shouldn’t have drank a beer, now he doesn’t know how to answer sharply like he usually does with everyone. “No. Never.”
Han nods, nonchalantly. “Hm, you really do.” He leans back and doesn’t stop sending him weird psychopathic glances all night like he’s obsessed or something.
Minho can try completely ignoring him after that interaction, but Han is just unignorable. He laughs when Minho makes a joke and listens like a child with a bed-time story every time he talks. He’s so attentive it’s threatening!
“Are we talking about Jisung flirting with Minho again?” Felix says the next day when they gather in his dorm to work on their Dance History exam.
“Yeaahh!” Hyunjin gawks. “What does he even want?!”
“Minho’s ass, apparently.”
“He wants everyone’s ass, it’s like the whole point of his character.” Minho doesn’t lift his eyes from his paper.
There's a minute too long of silence. “And does it work?”
Minho takes a second to realize Felix is talking to him… or just doesn’t want to answer. “What works?”
“His character. On you.” Felix maintains the corners of his mouth tucked down. He knows better than to tease Minho with a smile on.
“Hmm…”
He considers fully denying everything but just cracks and hides his blushing face.
“Yes… It fucking works.” He whines angrily behind his hands.
They both laugh and put salt on the wound stating how obvious it is.
“It’s ok! He’s a douche but we’ve all been attracted to douche bags at some point.” Hyunjin reassures him.
“But he’s not even a douche bag: he’s fun, hot and interesting…” Felix lists, hands in the air, powerless.
“Go fuck him if you think he’s so cool.” Hyunjin side-eyes him.
“I said I was stepping out of the equation.” He deadpans, offended.
“What equation? There’s no equation anymore guys!” Minho signs his words. “He’s attractive but I don’t want to be Han Jisung’s latest fuck and collect the bag of STIs he schleps.” He acts like he refocuses on his paper but he immediately senses they want to add something.
“But like, do you want to fuck him or… More?” Felix is asking for it.
“Nothing! I want nothing!” He says with the most defensive attitude.
They both stopped trying to work and just stare at him intently.
“I’m just saying...” Minho looks at him with narrow eyes. “… If you don’t want a lifelong relationship, you could just fuck him a few times and voilà!” Felix shrugs. “Cause, he seems good. From what I heard, men and women leave satisfied from Jisung’s man cave.”
Felix is a lover, it’s no surprise he suggests it. He doesn’t collect one night stands but passionately short relationships. Fuck him and voilà often ends up in a wonky relationship and big cries when one or the other gets tired of it.
He’s gotten predictable. He’s a natural flirt and a bisexual one on top of that, the opportunities are endless. The sky's the limit when you’re named Lee Felix.
Minho looks at Hyunjin, the everly taken in a functional long lasting relationship type of friend. “Surprisingly—” he lifts his eyebrows. “I don’t think it’s a bad idea. Solely because…” And he points his finger to the sky again. “I don’t want my friend to become a dried raisin.”
“I don’t need to get laid to be a decent person, Hyunjin.”
“No but you need to get laid so someone can take that stick out your ass and replace it with their dick!”
Minho gawks at him with slits instead of eyes, putting on the most offended expression he can manage.
“I’m going to stick that stick so far into you it’s going to poke out your mouth.” He threatens and it makes them quack. “You think I’m uptight?”
“Not uptight but… I know you’re not at your best but, we just don’t want you to mope in your dorm alone. You never come party with us anymore and I think we need to address the fact it all started when you broke up with he-who-must-not-be-named.”
That man can be stupid. Really stupid. But when it comes to Minho’s love life, he suddenly becomes a genius. He’s the one who helped him realize how fucked up his previous relationship was getting and Minho is really thankful to have such a friend.
He’s also the one who played cupid but… even cupid can make mistakes.
“Not you wanting me to get laid when I’m focusing on school for once.”
“You’ve always focused on school.” Felix intervenes. “And you used to get laid at the same time! Don’t make it sound like It’s incompatible. Hyunjin focuses on school and he gets laid plenty!”
Hyunjin grimaces involuntarily and they both pick up on it immediately so he feels like he needs to explain himself.
“I wouldn’t say: “plenty”… We've been in a bit of a slump for a month or two but it’s ok really.” He reassures instantly. “Bin has been self conscious about his body since the beginning of winter and he doesn’t want me to see him naked.”
They talk about Hyunjin’s sex life for a while and how to be in a bit of a slump can be really frustrating for someone who could fuck 24/7. And Minho is thankful they changed the subject.
Though they still slip another word about how they want to party with him again, they don’t insist more. And he’s glad. Because then he would have to admit they’re right and he prefers to act like it’s his idea.
Anyway, he needs to get in fucking shape before anyone sees him bare-assed.
・・・・・
“Yo! Minho! Can’t get enough of me?” Han arrives all smiles in front of the gym.
After their chat, he talked with Bin about wanting to work out more often and stop slobbing around in dance class. Bin had offered him to join them at the gym since he could invite someone freely.
He’d only accepted because Chan, the straight-looking dude, would be here…
But now Han Jisung is trotting towards him with his boyish smile and a really tight blue compression shirt, titties screaming for attention.
“Hey.” He smiles tautly.
“Ready to see me sweat?” He jokes and even Bin tells him to shut up.
Minho just rolls his eyes and enters the building.
Thank god he’s already in his sports clothes, like that he doesn't have to change in front of anyone in the changing rooms and expose the little bit of fat he cultivated this winter.
It’s not the first time he comes to a public gym but you couldn’t say he knows what he’s doing. So he follows Bin, sticks to him so he doesn’t have to stick to Han.
To Minho’s delight, Chan arrives a few minutes later. Full black again, a baseball cap on his head. His presence is truly a blessing, always polite and helpful, it’s a shame Bin only became friends with him in their last year. Nevertheless… Either Minho is ignoring the signs or his gaydar is broken because despite everything: the fact he greets them with a handshake, the way he talks, the way he sits with his legs parted wide, Minho still tries to hit on him.
It’s subtle the first time, unnoticeable probably. But more insisting then, can you help me hyung? or can you show me again Chan hyung? Even though Chan is Australian he knows the honorifics and it looks like he likes it; his charming smile illuminates Minho every time he comes closer to help.
Han laughs about it at first, Minho don’t you want me to help you instead? or don’t you need help, hyung? But he quickly starts to act like he doesn't care, only looking briefly when Chan accepts to spot him once again. Minho can almost see how the hair at the back of his head bristles every time he hears Minho’s voice forming the words: Channie hyung.
He lets Han spot him once when Chan isn’t here and Bin needs to leave early. Maybe it's because he expects the worst that the best happens but, to his surprise, Han acts as good as a schoolboy.
When Minho asks him for help it’s like he tries to contain his overflowing excitement. Like a bottle of coke fizzing at the lid.
He places himself above Minho and puts each hand under the metal bar. He encourages him on the last rep’ and sighs with him when the bar finds its place back on the rack.
“Thanks.“ Minho breathes.
“Anytime!“ Han answers with a smile hard to contain.
It’s been a month and a half of intense workout and Minho feels like he’s back on track. The four guys psych each other up on their new group chat, Gym🐀, at least three times a week and it makes them bond around something healthy. Minho’s abs are slowly reappearing, he started eating more protein, less mayonnaise and he has more energy to go out with Felix and Hyunjin on weekends.
So he does. And Han is always there. Whether it’d be with Bin, Chan, both or just people he doesn’t know.
He recognizes his perfume now, he turns around and searches for it when it kisses his nose. Just to know if he’s here, if it’s really him or someone posing as Han Jisung to trick his senses.
Tonight it is him indeed, destroying everyone on the kicker. He has a black Supreme t-shirt above a long-sleeve one he pulled up to his elbows, revealing his forearms where a firm line appears every time he flips the handle. He cheers loud, both fists in the air whenever he marks a point. Minho wants to skewer him with the metal bar where all the little footballers are stuck in a line.
He’s losing hard with Hyunjin.
“Ok, ok, switching teams, switching teams!” Why does he have to repeat everything two times?
Bin comes to Minho’s side, nudges his shoulder like to psych him up, like to tell him don’t worry, we’re gonna get them, I'm gonna make us win.
They lose pathetically. Minho starts to wonder if he’s doomed.
“Come on Minho-hyung! My man, let’s get it!” Jisung hops to the other side and chooses attack.
He marks, again and again. The other team demands they switch and even like that, Jisung manages to stop the ball just before it falls into the hole, roll it back and send it to the other side where Hyunjin doesn’t have time to block it.
Minho cheers with a big smile, claps his hands with Han’s in elated glory.
“Minho you’re my lucky charm!” Han exclaims, settling his hands back on the two handles for what will probably be the last round.
“I think it’s the other way around.” Minho whispers to himself with a winning grin.
“What?” Jisung didn’t hear.
Minho just shakes his head, like he didn’t say anything important.
They win and Minho lets Jisung bump his shoulder with his own. He feels proud and confident, probably a glimpse of how Jisung feels everyday for succeeding at everything he engages in. Call him jealous if you want.
They play pool, something Minho’s good at and it shows. He aims well, knows how to position the cue so the ball does as he wishes and looks good while doing it.
Jisung cheers for him every time he scores a point even though he’s on the other team.
“Bro, stop cheering, they’re winning.” Bin pushes him with annoyance.
“But he’s so good at it!” Jisung points like a child, it makes Minho snicker.
“I know! Exactly!” Bin looks like he wants to shake him till reason.
He wins with Hyunjin by a few points because Jisung’s competitive spirit decided to wake up in the last rounds. He’s a quick learner.
Changbin and Hyunjin leave to get drinks, it’s just the two of them.
“Wanna play against me, Minho-hyung?”
“Why not.” Minho accepts because he’s pumped up with pride and circles the pool table to get the balls. “You don’t have to call me hyung, you know. We’re not in Korea.”
“I like to call you hyung. You don’t like it?” Jisung waits for Minho to place the balls in the triangle, his mouth opens on a grin and closes like he was about to say something stupid and flirty again.
“No, just— whatever. As you prefer.” He places his cue and strikes.
Jisung rounds the table with a big smile, choosing his first victim. He misses.
“That game’s fucking hard…” He whines.
Minho chalks his cue.
“What’s that for?” Jisung asks.
“Better control.” He positions himself and strikes the ball, it hits the other one with a distinctive tic and falls into the hole.
“Waw! I’m so impressed!” And it pours out of Jisung’s pores. “Can you teach me hyung?”
Whether it is intentional or not, he knows so well how to caress Minho’s ego.
“Yeah, if you want.” Minho shrugs.
He settles on the side and watches Jisung bend over the table slowly. He blinks several times to erase the image that just flashed across his dirty mind.
“Where are you aiming?” Minho asks to keep hold of reality.
“The blue?” Jisung sounds unsure of himself for the first time in his life.
“Lower your cue then.” He comes closer and pushes on the wooden stick. “Like that.”
“Thanks.” Jisung whispers low like he is deeply focused. Clack! He strikes the ball.
When the bar starts to sound too expensive for their drinking habits, they decide to find another one.
Thankfully, there’s two queer bars in town: one mostly for the 40+ and one for the others. They arrive in front of the latter one, illuminated with pink neon, flags and decorations. Though the cocktails are pricey, the rest is cheap and they make rainbow colored shots.
Changbin and Hyunjin, regulars, greet a few people they know. The room is hot and steamy, heated by the people dancing. Minho easily finds his place among the sweaty bodies.
He feels Han’s presence following him, his perfume again. When he turns around, the boy is there with a beer in his hand, making his way towards him.
“D’you want some?“ He offers, lifting his pint.
Minho shrugs and takes the cold glass between his fingers, wet from condensation. He sees Han’s stare as he gulps the cold beer, his tongue licks an imaginary stain on his lip.
“Thanks.“ He says politely and licks his lip too.
The music knocks inside his chest with its intense bass. He sways to the rhythm… rain make, make it rain, girl, make it rain… guided by the beat. Han moves like a guy who makes music but doesn’t dance to it, like a DJ who watches his audience unravel under his magic. His eyes take in Minho’s movements like he’s a miracle.
The scene that surrounds Han is blurred by the alcohol, but his firm gaze is a focal point in all the haze. Fuck… He wishes Han would take his chance now and touch him.
Someone else's hand ends up on his waist.
“Minho?” A guy appears in his line of sight, one he needs to dig out of his memory.
“Hey, how are you doing?” What’s his fucking name again?
“Good, I never see you here, are you alone?”
“No, I’m with some friends.” He avoids pointing at anyone.
They chat a little, Minho finally remembers the guy’s name: Jake, an old hookup. It didn’t work. It wasn’t supposed to work. It just lasted a few weeks, but it’s nice to see him there. He’s still pretty with his freckles, tall and muscular. Minho wouldn’t mind taking him to his dorm. So he tries his best.
“I can’t hear you, do you want to go outside?”
The guy, Jake, nods vigorously.
Jisung’s already gone when they get out of the crowd, lost where Minho cannot smell his perfume.
He laughs and touches his arm, lets himself be complimented and courted. It works, it works very well.
“Do you want something to drink? I’m inviting you, please?” Jake offers.
“Yeah, hmm, just a beer. Thanks.” He smiles.
He follows the boy with his eyes, takes his stature in, tall and muscular, yes, tall and muscular. Minho doesn’t need anything else than this, he thinks.
Through the blurry windows he sees Jake approaching the bar where Han is leaning, probably waiting for a drink. After a few seconds, Jake nudges his arm and talks to him.
It’s dark and people keep passing in front of them but Minho can’t look away.
They chat, a minute or so. Jisung shakes his head with a grin and Jake comes back with two beers.
“Here!” Jake puts the two glasses down with a smile. His front teeth are crooked, and suddenly Minho finds it ugly.
“Thanks!” He smiles and toasts with him.
They talk more but Minho can’t get that brief interaction out of his mind. He could ask him… Jake, but he doesn’t want to see him babble excuses.
“I need to go to the toilet, I’m coming back.” He squeezes his shoulder and lets his hand leave the boy’s skin with languor though he doubts he will come back to the table.
He searches for Han, he’s not with Hyunjin and Changbin but sitting on a bench with another boy and an empty cocktail. Minho hesitates… too long, the boy points at him and Jisung turns his head.
“Hey, tired of your crappy jock?” Jisung jumps to meet him with the overly charming smile he makes when he’s drunk. He leans on the table next to them to keep his composure and to avoid swaying.
“Shut up, he’s not crappy.” Minho hits him on the arm, annoyed. It only makes Han smile as he playfully tries to catch his hand. Hum, too slow. “What did he tell you at the counter?” Minho plants his eyes in him so he doesn’t see the doubt in them.
“The blond guy? He asked for my number.” Jisung grins as if to say: see, he’s not good for you. He can almost hear what hides underneath… I’m better.
Minho swallows and tries to keep a straight face but his arms are already crossed on his chest. Judging from his half-lidded eyes, Han’s drunk to the point where he gets full of himself and seeks attention.
Jisung’s smile quickly fades and is replaced by bumbling guilt. “Sorry… I didn't mean to say it like that…” He tries too hard to speak correctly and it shows in the way he articulates but still stumbles. “I mean, if you just want a quick fuck, he looks good… I was joking when I said he’s crappy.”
“I don’t care… I hate this kind of guy.” Minho looks to the side to watch Jake on the terrace. His frown darkens his stare, he wishes it could burn.
“Hmm… m‘sorry.” It sounds sincere. “Do you want me to introduce you to… Oh he’s already gone.” He turns around to see that the boy he was flirting with has already vanished due to lack of consideration. “I can be your wing man!“ He starts pointing at random guys in the crowd.
Minho’s disappointed, he feels a flame in his heart that can’t seem to die out.
It’s not so much about Jake... He wants to be special, not just a number on a phone, a face in a drunk memory or a way to get sucked off and praised. Silly me…
And now Jisung is trying to match him with everyone he can think of when he’s supposed to be crushing on him.
“That’s fucked up…” Jisung grimaces. “Don’t think about him, he’s a shitface.” In his state, he clearly doesn't know how to receive Minho’s visible turmoil. But he tries, clumsily.
“You do it all the time.” They both watch the crowd. Minho makes no effort to be heard over the loud music, so Jisung comes closer with a questioning face. “Flirt with someone and then move on to someone else. Flirt with me and then flirt with whoever crosses your path.”
“Yeah...“ He takes a moment to answer. “Maybe I’m harder on him 'cause I’m just jealous he got your attention.”
At least he has self awareness.
Minho scoffs but really he just wants to shout at him.
“Do you want to go home?” Jisung turns his head, his eyes are glassy. He knows he already played all his cards.
“Not with you.” Minho spits and goes to take his jacket. He avoids Jake who tries to find him in the crowd and leaves the bar alone. He hopes they end up fucking each other so his point is proven.
Fuckboys. He shakes his head.
He comes home with a burger and fries, something to absorb the alcohol. His whole room will stink of frying oil but he doesn’t care right now.
He was mean. Because the way everything comes easily to Jisung is unfair. He’s pretty, fun, good at games, has good grades, and he fucks plenty. He wants it all and he gets it all. The most Minho can do is to deny him that little thing he seems to want so much...
Minho wipes off the big angry tear that came rolling down his round cheek to mix with the taste of his burger. He feels pathetic now. He wants to break everything around him in dramatic rage but he can’t afford it… he’s not in a movie… He’s renting that place.
He doesn’t know what’s more pathetic: letting Jisung bust his nut or denying him the possibility even though he craves it every night a little more.
He throws the leftover burger in the carton package and wipes his greasy fingers on the paper towel. Good thing that shit was only 6 cause it was disgusting even for a 4 am snack. He takes his pants off, socks and shirt and falls asleep.
・・・・・
“Hey can I sit here?” Han lets the bag on his shoulder slip.
“Hmm.” Minho nods and clears the chair he’s pointing at.
Han waves at Hyunjin and Felix on his other side.
They haven’t seen each other since Friday. It’s a little awkward, Minho thinks. Maybe he should apologize… for taking his anger out on him?
The lesson is just about to start, the teacher is searching for the slides on his computer.
“Here. For you.” Han says after putting a protein bar on his desk. He waits obediently for the other’s reaction.
Minho looks at it, surprised to receive a gift. “Why?”
“Hyunjin told me it’s your favorite.”
Minho’s head snaps to the side to find Hyunjin, guilt all over his face, afraid to look anywhere but straight forward.
He looks back at the chocolate bar.
“Thanks.” He leaves the bar on the desk, too flustered to do anything about it for now.
After the teacher fumbles for 5 minutes behind the projector trying to show them a video, Jisung slides a note on Minho’s side.
Sorry for Friday (｡•́︿•̀｡) I don’t really remember what I said but you seemed bugged…
x sorrysorry x
(I can be pushy when im drunk… don’t hesitate to hit me in the face if needed •‿• )
Minho reads and bites his lip to prevent a smile.
It's alright. You weren’t pushy. I was in a bad mood. Sorry for that.
Thanks for apologizing •‿•
Jisung smiles while receiving the piece of paper, having already read over Minho’s shoulder. He slides it in his pocket and throws Minho a thumbs up that makes him scoff.
Though Minho feels like this boy is way too gentle on him, he’s happy he said sorry… Whether he likes it or not, the attention goes straight to his heart.
When the class is over, Minho packs his things and casually puts the bar in his bag like it’s just another one of his stuff. Han grins discreetly like he succeeded in taming a cat…
It happens again the same week: Han gives him his chocolate milk in the cafeteria after seeing Minho finishing his. It looks more like hunting than flirting at this point… is he trying to fatten him?
Even though he complains about hangovers during the whole week, Hyunjin still invites him and Felix on Friday to go clubbing.
Tonight it’s them, Bin, Chan and Han. It’s the first bearable night of Spring, so the club is packed, inside and out. They sip their first drink on the terrace, enjoying the absence of a big coat.
Tonight, Jisung’s flirting is bolder. Or just more unhinged, less calculated, it sounds like he just starts to say whatever crosses his mind with no filter.
“I like your hair like that. You’re beautiful.” Han is grinning and his eyes are half lidded, focused on where Minho's bottom lip forms an elegant curve.
He drank just a bit more than them all and it shows in the way he slurs.
Those are the moments Minho feels like he could indulge in his fuckboy manners, act like he doesn’t have respect for himself and finally let Han Jisung bust his nut.
Thankfully he only falters later in the evening. His ears only blush when he’s a little tipsy, when it’s darker, when Han is too drunk to notice, too drunk to see Minho doesn’t move away when his heady cologne hits his nose. It takes him more willpower to pull away when he dipped so far into Jisung’s game, more self-command to tear his eyes away from him and plant them back into Chan’s gaze.
“Can I talk to you?” He holds onto Chan’s hand before he enters the club with everyone, the alcohol giving him the courage to act on his desires. If Han sees them, he doesn’t know, for the club’s dance floor is darker than its terrace.
“Course.” Chan gulps the last sip of his lemonade and puts the glass aside. His thumb comes to secure their hold and Minho thinks too much about what it could mean.
He feels bold and miserable at the same time.
But Chan is a reassuring man, so he speaks with a shy smirk:
“Are you interested in me?” He tilts his head, Chan’s hand is still in his where they sit side by side on a big wooden table. “You’re so nice to me but I never know how I should interpret it.”
“Hmm…” Chan’s eyebrows are knitted together before they disappear in their linked hands. “I figured…” Or Minho thinks he just said. He lifts his head up again, red to his neck. “I’m so sorry– I’m straight… I know I wasn't clear… I wanted to tell you discreetly but I didn’t have much occasion… I just wanted to be nice ‘cause… I like you, as a friend, but I know it didn't completely look like it…” He talks with pain in his voice like he’s the worst person on earth.
“It’s ok, it’s ok, bro.” And it sounds so unnatural in his mouth he cringes at himself and swears not to say bro ever again. At least in a straight way. “I was just hitting on you, I don’t have real feelings or whatever. Don’t feel bad.” He snickers to lift up the mood.
Though they are surrounded by drunk people, their exchange feels private and sincere. Probably thanks to Chan’s steady gaze.
“Ok… you sure? I don’t want you to act differently around me or feel bad.”
“Don’t worry, me neither. I tried to flirt, didn’t work, happens to the bests!” He chuckles again.
“Yeah! Haha!” The mood lifts up. They talk a bit more, Minho apologizes for any discomfort and it helps their relationship to ship back on friendly waters. No embarrassment aboard.
It’d been a while now since hitting on Chan felt like something he needed to prove to himself. It almost feels right to be freed from it. Though he needs to find someone else to fuck now.
“What about Ji?” Chan cleverly brings back to the table.
“Hmm?” Minho sips his cocktail from the pink paper straw. They should go back dancing soon, Minho’s feeling colder after sitting for so long.
“I mean…” He’s careful with his choice of words. “He’s hitting on you. Heavily.” He enhances the last word with big eyes.
“Yeah, he’s unstoppable. Never seen a man so determined to fuck someone.” He holds back from saying what he tells Hyunjin and Felix. About him being a fuckboy and all… Chan is his friend in the end.
“Yeah, haha.” Chan laughs but it’s a little forced. “You’re not interested?”
Minho scoffs like it’s the craziest shit Chan could say. “Not interested, no thank you. It’s getting tiring.” He chews on his straw and looks at the foggy full-height glass windows of the club but he doesn’t see whatever he’s looking for.
It feels like a big big lie now that he said it out loud.
“Hmm.” Chan exhales and it sounds a little upset. “Tell him, you know. He’ll stop if you tell him clearly. He can be a pain in the ass, blind to see stop signs when it suits him best but… if you tell him you don’t like it he’ll stop.” He chuckles. “If he doesn’t I’ll make sure he does!”
Minho snickers too and he feels like choking on his straw.
He agrees with a benevolent sentence he finds on the spot: Yeah, you’re right that’s the right thing to do, hyung or something along those lines. He adds the honorifics because he can.
They go back to the club when Minho complains about the cold.
The inside is a sensory experience. Around 3 AM people don’t care about their stinky sweat anymore, they breathe with their mouth open after puking in the toilets (a canon event really) and they forget the outside world exists, trapped in their little bubble of release.
Han Jisung dances with his face practically buried in a girl's chest, big breasts, high heels, taller than him. He’s hammered, holding onto her like he could fall.
Minho became accustomed to the sight after partying with him for a month. It’s just annoying. Like a pebble in his shoe shifting to sting the sole of his feet every time he looks in their direction. When he does, Han looks fucking wretched.
Hyunjin and Changbin are eating each other’s mouths nearby. They're better now that Bin has diligently come working out with them all. And it shows in the way they practically make out every time they go out… Disgusting.
He goes towards Felix who completely abandons the boy who was sticking to him to welcome Minho in his arms and sway him from side to side in an elated rhythm.
“What were you doing back there?” He asks with too much eyebrow wiggling.
“Getting rejected by a straight dude.” Minho’s tipsy state helps him laugh.
“Again?!” Felix gawks and is hit on the arm immediately.
“Shut up!”
“No really… What a waste. Have you seen that mouth?“ Felix gawks at Chan who frowns at them with a confused grin, a few feet away.
“My god…“ Minho laughs at him and tells him to stop being a whore.
They love to dance together, obviously, and it shows. Their bodies move in sync, same rhythm, same vibe, they don’t need to talk to find their pace. Minho is on the verge of forgetting the outside world when Jisung finally spots him.
“Minho…” He reads Jisung’s glistening lips because the music is too loud.
The boy detaches from her hold when he recognizes Minho, leaving her like he didn’t even realize she was there. He stumbles towards him and almost falls when someone pushes him unwillingly but it’s like he doesn’t even notice, eyes almost closed like he doesn’t have the strength to open them completely. Did he drink more while Minho was outside?
When he comes to Minho’s level he extends his hands like a prayer and holds onto him, landing on his hips.
“Minho… please dance with me…” He pleads with glassy eyes and droopy eyelids. His breath is 90% alcohol and so close to Minho’s lips he could get drunk on it.
Hair sticks to his nape because he grew them out for the last month, to his forehead because he’s sweating. He is flushed all over, suffusing crimson under his eyes, intense and swollen on his lips.
“You're so beautiful, hyung… I want to dance with you, I’m so in love with you…” He whines like he’s in pain.
It’s not the first time he says that.
The first time it happened, Minho scoffed with all his venom. Told him to keep that for his other bitches, that he wasn’t that soft and easy. Mostly he told him to stop repeating lies he didn’t even believe in. They were both drunk, obviously.
He couldn’t handle it. The way Jisung said it, full of hope like it would instantly sweep him from his feet… how it made Minho question his reality.
“Shut up.” Minho rolls his eyes and immediately grasps the hands on his hips so Jisung doesn’t touch him anymore, doesn’t make his lower belly churn. “Cut it ok?”
The desperation on his face is enough to crush Minho’s chest. The boy could cry if he added anything.
He needs to talk before Han does. Another word starts to form on his rose colored lips and Chan’s words pound his mind.
“Stop flirting with me, Han.” He holds onto his shoulders, each hand on Jisung’s damp shirt. He’s so close to him like that, he doesn’t need to shout. His perfume is everywhere. “I hate it, I hate you, I don't wanna be around you.” It slips out of his mouth, condescending in the worst way.
“I don’t want to be your hookup. I hate it.”
He lets go of the boy. His hands are clammy from their sweat.
“…”
That’s definitely not what Chan had advised.
Han doesn’t leave with anyone that night. Or so Minho thinks, he does his best not to look at him even once after that; still angry, terrified, ashamed, completely lost by his own behavior, nausea in his throat when he sees Felix’s questioning gaze on him. Worry but also disapproval.
“What happened?“ Felix questions when they finally breathe fresh air again, coming home from the party.
“I told him to stop flirting.“
“Huh? What did you say exactly? He looked… Devastated.“
They're all coming home from the club, Hyunjin and Changbin chatting a few feet behind them, Han and Chan probably following a little farther.
“He told me he’s in love with me.“
“What?!“ Felix opens his mouth wide.
“He said it before. When he was wasted.“
“What the fuck, why didn’t you tell me?“
Minho shrugs. “It’s just when he’s drunk, he says things like that.“
“And what do you answer?“ Felix grimaces.
“That he’s stupid.“ He shrugs again. “And to keep that for his bitches.“
They both feel the cold on their sweaty skin as they walk.
Felix frowns, surprised. “But… Isn’t it what you wanted? You don’t want him to like you? You have feelings for him too, right?“
“No.“
“You don’t have feelings for him?“ Felix says like he’s lost in the middle of a story.
“No, I don’t.“ Minho shrugs again. A shiver goes through his whole body.
“Wait, but—Minho, you have feelings for him. You guys flirt, right?“
“No. I just reject him all the time.“
“Really?“ A few seconds pass in silence. “I’m trying to know if I’m crazy or you’re just completely unaware of how you act with him.“
Minho frowns and grimaces like he doesn’t know what Felix wants him to say.
“You know everybody thinks you like him, right?“
“No. I didn’t even know you talked about my feelings with people.“
“Of course I do! I thought you were about to finally fuck him after all this time!“
“Well that’s not gonna happen soon after what I said.“ Something in Minho tells him he just needs Felix to confirm that what he said doesn't make him a horrible person.
“What did you say?“
He inhales. “Chan told me that he would stop if I told him to, so I did. I told him to cut it… To stop flirting with me, but I said I hate it and I hate you.“ When the words jump off his tongue to come back to his ears he can’t pretend he doesn’t feel their cruelty. Why did he say that…?
“Why did you say that?!“ Felix opens wide eyes. “I thought you liked that he flirted!“
“I hate it!“
They arrive in front of the campus. The others are still at a good distance, slowed down by the alcohol.
“Min’. I know your resting bitch face can be hard to decipher but… either you're lying to me or you’re completely lying to yourself cause I can see when you like someone. And Hyunjin too. And you like him.“
The words get stuck in his throat like they often do these days.
The next day, he vomits after trying to stand up for an hour, his bed swinging like a merry-go-round.
He doesn’t answer Felix's texts.
Maybe he’s right. Maybe he fucked up and hurt Jisung’s feelings so bad he hates him now. Maybe he was the one playing with him all along just to feel wanted. He looks at himself in the mirror and grimaces. Nothing done today, nothing remotely productive… pure overthinking and doomscroll.
He goes to sleep with a headache.
Weeks pass by. Jisung doesn’t show up as much to every party. He does go out but apparently it’s to other clubs with his other friends. Minho wonders if he searches for his smell in the crowd like he does, if he notices his absence.
They don’t talk. They just say Hi. And they try to go to the gym on different days.
“You’re ok with that?” Hyunjin looks at him, dead in the eyes. Felix is fidgeting with his pen nervously.
“He was insistent, I told him to stop and he listened.” Minho shrugs like it’s obvious.
They know it’s a sensitive topic. That’s why Felix tiptoes around it now.
But Hyunjin doesn’t tiptoe, he stomps.
“You.” He points an accusing finger towards him. “Stop pretending you’re reading.” He flattens his hand across Minho’s book and it makes a big sound in silence of the library. “Tell me how you really feel about him.”
Hyunjin is never so authoritarian. Because Minho is even more so.
Minho bears his gaze, considering his options.
“He’s a douche, there’s nothing else to say!”
“Min’ I know he’s a douche, that doesn’t tell us what you feel!” Hyunjin says exasperated and Felix echoes. “What do you feel?!” Hyunjin whispers-shouts.
Minho rests his head on his open book, trying to gather the courage to dig up whatever he’s really feeling deep down, under the menacing rocks and tumultuous water.
He sighs and something feels stuck in his chest.
“I don’t know…” And he holds his tears for dear life in the crook of his arms. Hiding his bulging eyes to the entire library.
“Oh no…” They both coo with empathy and rush around the table to hug their friend in the middle of the uni's library. It’s even harder not to cry like that but Minho’s dam is solid. A tear escapes, quickly erased by his hand.
They reassure him and caress his back, full of compassion and probably a bit of guilt for making their friend cry. His throat is so constricted it hurts to swallow.
They gather on the two chairs on either side of Minho, waiting for him to unfurl his thoughts and calm his breathing.
He takes a moment to think about it and even that way he struggles to align two words but at least his unshed tears dried. “I’m not, like, in love with him.” He signs with his fingers. “He just flirts all the time and maybe it’s because he showed me interest first…” He swallows. “But—I don’t know what I feel…”
“Would it be correct to say you like him a little?” Felix says with a high-pitched voice. Minho nods, at last, looking miserable with his puffy eyes and exaggerated pout.
They really needed to beat it out of him so he could admit a third of the truth… They reassure him, as much as they can.
On Sunday, when Minho is at the café with his purple apron on and his hands smelling like a blend of orange juice and coffee, Jisung appears.
Sundays are usually calm, almost boring. But today there’s a ray of spring sun on the terrace and the whole city hurries outside.
He queues alone, just at the entrance, his eyes on the wall, inspecting the black chalk-written menu.
His hair isn't styled as well as when he goes out. It’s 9 am, he looks like he just woke up, he looks younger, innocent with his white t-shirt and his big brown glasses.
Dread momentarily spreads across his face when he meets Minho’s gaze. He looks to the side, probably considering leaving but he realizes it’s too late and smiles like he never did before: with shyness and doubt.
Minho smiles too, hiding the fact he could puke in next to no time. Right on the muffins.
“Hey.” Minho chokes out a greeting.
“Hey.” It’s the most awkward hey Jisung has ever given him.
“How are you doing?” Minho panics though it sounds more neutral when it comes back to his ears.
The queue will wait.
“Good, good! You?” Jisung doesn’t seem to know where to settle his gaze.
“Good. What do you want?”
“Oh yeah hmm… Huh–haha, I forgot…Huh…” He looks back at the menu, too quickly to read anything. “A coffee, Americano.” He decides. “Please.”
“Hot?” Minho types on his machine and it gives him a bit of release.
“Hmm?” Jisung shifts slightly forward.
“Hot or cold? The coffee.”
“Hot.”
“Ok, you can pay here.” Minho smiles and turns back to prepare the drink.
When he faces Jisung again, the boy looks anywhere but his way, thanks him with a crooked smile, eyes on the black liquid. He even bows, forgetting he's not in South Korea anymore.
“See you around!” Minho blurts out.
“See you!” He vanishes with his cup on the terrace like everyone else. Probably behind a parasol because Minho doesn’t find him when he throws quick glances outside.
He dwells on his feelings when his shift ends. Lets Jisung’s awkward gaze imprint itself in his memory.
He shakes his head.
Fuck he hates it. He preferred when his eyes were full of admiration, when his pupils formed hearts.
Now that he thinks of it Jisung only ever looked at him like that…
He really fucked up.
He tries to swallow the shame that creeps up his chest when he takes his apron off and blinks several times to erase any unwanted memories.