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Seungmin smiles widely, teeth showing and eyes crinkling as he’s sprinting over the grassy field, laser tag gun in hand and the silly looking helmet on his head. The helmet isn’t really secured right, it’s bouncing up and down as he’s running, but he can’t be bothered to tighten it. And anyways, it may be harder to land a hit on him if the sensor on the helmet is moving erratically, Seungmin reasons.
They’re currently filming an episode of SKZ-code, were they’re playing laser-tag. It’s herbivores vs carnivores, and so Seungmin is on a team with Chan, Jeongin and Hyunjin against the other boys. Being placed with these three members is a bit of a whiplash. Chan and Jeongin know about him, they have for about three weeks, and while they said they would have questions for him, none of them have brought up what happened that night in the mine, and neither have Seungmin. It’s like being in limbo, and while he craves for it to be over, Seungmin can’t make himself approach the subject with them first. It’s too raw, too painful. Instead, they’re all feigning normalcy.
Currently, acting “normal” entails running around like a maniac and pretend-shoot his members. All in a day’s work of an idol, after all. He’s currently hiding behind a partition, Lee Know is in his sights, and any moment, he’ll lean out to aim at Jeongin and then Seungmin will strike. Several times, he’s surprised the other team with how adept he is at tracking them down. He’s known as a bit of a cheater, and sue him, because he is and that’s okay. But for once, they can’t accuse him of cheating, because they don’t know that he has the upper hand. They’re getting closer to the full moon again; it’s about a week away and so Seungmin’s already sharp senses are even more refined. Usually, it’s such a bother. Lights are too bright, sounds too loud and the slightest touches can make him jump out of his skin. But today, they are part of why he’s absolutely acing this shit. Seungmin will take what he can get, honestly. A win is a win, and he’s winning.
As he predicted, Lee Know moves out from behind the small wall to take aim at their maknae, and the moment he does, Seungmin presses the trigger like a man possessed. There’s no mercy in pretend-war. Lee Know reacts quickly though, and retreats behind some more obstacles, and Seungmin’s view is further obscured by a nearby tree.
Seungmin is really trying to focus on the task at hand, but despite his effort, little worries and anxious thoughts creep their way into his head with barely any respite from the noise.
While Bang Chan and Jeongin make him anxious because they know, his last team-mate of the day makes him anxious because he knows nothing at all. Hyunjin is in the dark with the remainder of the boys and it’s eating Seungmin up. He feels horrible for keeping it from all of them, it feels horrible to lie to any single one of his friends, but Hyunjin is especially hard, perhaps only rivalled by Changbin. He’d always thought that if any of them would know about his secret, Hyunjin was likely to be the very first. In Seungmin’s mind, Hyunjin wouldn’t figure it out, no, he’d know first because Seungmin would tell him. Willingly. Hyunjin might just be the most empathetic and accepting person that Seungmin has ever known, most likely to only freak out in an acceptable amount and not burn him on the stake or something along those lines. Seungmin still considers him most likely to put Seungmin first, no matter what he might learn.
They’d been so close when they were a bit younger, but over the years, the two of them had drifted apart and so Seungmin’s wish of sharing his burden with someone started feeling more like a pipedream than a realistic option. However, since their talk during their episode of 2 Kids Room, Hyunjin has been diligently trying to rekindle his and Seungmin’s close friendship. The care Hyunjin puts into their bond is heartwarming, but Seungmin can’t help the ugly, suffocating feeling that surrounds him the closer Hyunjin wriggles his way back into his life and his heart. The guilt is overwhelming, casting long shadows over every sunny moment they share together, both past and present. Somehow, it had been easier on Seungmin when they had drifted apart, it was easier to reason with himself that he should keep it all secret and not feel bad.
Seungmin is torn out of his spiral of thoughts as his helmet beeps, indicating he’s being shot at. He twirls behind the other side of the partition, hopefully bringing himself to safety. He hears a small sigh and his helmet stops beeping. The sigh is coming from his right, and it sounds unmistakably like Changbin. A small smile sneaks onto Seungmin’s lips, it’s time to roast some pork. Seungmin can never win over Changbin with pure strength, but speed and intellect is another story. Seungmin dives straight into it, and along with Chan, they corner Changbin and show him no mercy.
The round ends, and it’s a win for the carnivores. But now, a new king must be chosen for the home base, and Seungmin volunteers eagerly, he could use a rest. But he’s clearly not the only one eyeing the somewhat comfy chairs at the home base, because soon Changbin is joining him, and there’s nothing he can do to prevent it. He almost feels like he’s being haunted by his own guilt today.
At least being on a team with Hyunjin means that he can mostly avoid him, since they don’t necessarily have to stick together. But being king with Changbin, just the two of them? He feels less like a puppy and more like a sitting duck in these conditions.
A warm hand claps his shoulder and Seungmin looks up to see Bang Chan smiling at him, encouragingly, squeezing lightly to ground him. Chan has been doing this a lot lately, hovering around him, comforting him and helping him back down when he gets worried, even more than usual. When Chan runs off, Seungmin can feel Changbin’s eyes on him.
Changbin doesn’t comment on it, but Seungmin can’t help but notice how his gaze lingers on Chan as he retreats. The two of them play the game the best they can, healing their team members, completing mini-challenges and throwing out their usual banter and slander left and right. Even though Seungmin is still on edge, Changbin’s company makes him relax slightly. Something about interacting with Changbin always feels so easy to Seungmin, they just click, somehow.
After what feels like ages, the game finally ends. The rules were a bit too complicated for them though, and in the end most of them end up focusing more on shooting than on capturing bases, himself included. However, despite all that, the carnivores manage to snag the win. They celebrate shortly as a team, high-fiving and side-hugging. Hyunjin smiles widely at Seungmin and tells him that he did a great job. Seungmin returns the smile, but it feels more like a grimace. He’s so exhausted.
They end up driving back to the company together in their teams, and Seungmin sits in the back seat with Hyunjin. Chan is in the driver’s seat, blonde hair still in a half-ponytail as it was styled for the episode. Jeongin is humming next to him in the passenger seat, his demeanour is impressively relaxed and his hair awfully neat for someone who just spent several hours running away like a terrified little mouse, rather than a fox.
“Great job today everyone!” Hyunjin says, reiterating the praise he’d given them before they’d taken off from the shoot. He approvingly claps both Chan and Jeongin on their shoulders, the only parts he can easily reach without potentially obscuring the drivers view.
“Also, Seungmin,” Hyunjin says excitedly, turning his attention away from the front seats and onto Seungmin, “you were on fire today!”
“Thanks.”
Seungmin’s reply is perhaps a bit lacklustre, but Hyunjin doesn’t mind. Despite not being as close as they used to over the last few years, Hyunjin still knows him well, and he knows even better than before to not take Seungmin’s sometimes flat expressions and tone as something negative.
“You were like a heat seeking missile,” Hyunjin continues, then he giggles before continuing, “you’re like one of those hunting dogs, with crazy tracking skills!”
An awkward chuckle forces its way out of Chan, and Seungmin catches his eye through the rear-view mirror. He looks a little constipated at how unknowingly close Hyunjin is to the truth. Seungmin’s hands immediately get a little clammy, and he wipes them on his jeans on instinct to the get uncomfortable sensation away.
“Yeah Minnie, you were really good today!” Jeongin says hurriedly, clearly noticing an odd atmosphere creeping into the silence left behind from Chan’s laugh. “You really made up for all of my slacking, sorry about that, guys.”
Jeongin to the rescue, thank goodness. Honestly, their youngest doesn’t always get enough credit for how perceptive he is, and how good he is at reading them. He’s got a talent for lifting the mood, diffusing tenseness and diverting irritation whenever needed.
Hyunjin is quite perceptive as well though, but he seems to have fallen for Jeongin’s trap, expertly laid out right in front of Hyunjin’s big heart. As expected, Hyunjin wastes no time and immediately tries to convince Jeongin that he didn’t do that badly, tricked by the self-deprecating words cleverly strung together by the little schemer in the front passenger seat.
“Aww Innie, don’t say that.” Hyunjin insists, pouting slightly, “you did well!”
“You could have shot with a little more conviction,” Seungmin says, and Jeongin whines at this, clearly hoping for a bit of praise and not Seungmin’s honesty.
“You were pretty good at being king, though,” Seungmin says, following the little joking jab up with a compliment, as a small token of gratitude for the way Jeongin moved Hyunjin’s focus away from Seungmin.
“Thanks, Seungmin-hyung,” Jeongin says, a small smile blooming forth, he looks genuinely happy. Seungmin’s eyes prickle and his heart is all fuzzy with his fondness for Jeongin. He’s truly thankful to see that bright smile directed at him, with no reservations or hesitation.
They arrive at the JYP company building where they have a team meeting followed by lunch and a short dance practice. Seungmin’s limbs feel heavy as they finally make their way out of the building a bit before sundown.
“Hey Minnie, we’re heading to that place with the kimchi jjigae you really like,” Hyunjin calls out to him, his eyes sparkling as he gestures to Changbin and Lee Know beside him, “want to come?”
“Oh,” Seungmin says, caught off guard by the offer, “I’m, uh, really tired.”
“That’s fair,” Hyunjin says hurriedly. His tone is bright, but Seungmin can’t help but notice the way his smile falters a little and his hands drop to his sides. “Rest well!”
“Thanks for asking, though.” Seungmin says, but his platitudes sound empty to his own ears, though he truly means it.
And so, they all split up; Lee Know, Changbin and Hyunjin are heading to one of their favourite nearby restaurants, Chan and Jeongin are going home to eat take-out, Felix is hanging out with a friend at home and Han is meeting with his music buddies.
Seungmin enters Chan’s car a moment after Chan and Jeongin, not because they have plans, but because his tired mind is on auto pilot and though he likes spending time with Felix and his friends, he honestly isn’t keen on the extra company at home today.
“Uh, hey Minnie,” Chan says, he sounds a bit uncertain as he casts a glance over the driver’s seat at where Seungmin has collapsed onto his leather seats in the back of the car.
Seungmin sits up straight at Chan’s tone, suddenly aware that he’s probably just forced himself upon Chan and Jeongin, again. They’ve had to deal with him a lot lately, Seungmin thinks as he self-consciously picks at his fraying sweater sleeve.
“Sorry, I-“ Seungmin doesn’t even get to finish his sentence, his hand his hovering in front of the handle and his upper body turned towards the door when he feels someone grabbing his arm firmly to hold him in place.
“Do you want to come home with us?” Jeongin interrupts him, his grip on Seungmin loosening slightly, but the hand stays put on his upper arm. Seungmin looks over at Jeongin to see a small, kind smile on his face. Seungmin looks over at Chan, to confirm that it’s okay, to find that he’s also smiling reassuringly. It feels a bit eerie. They’re being so nice - not that they aren’t usually nice! – but Seungmin almost feels like he’s being wrapped in bubble wrap or something. Whenever he does something like this, they tend to tease him a bit, but the last three weeks have been surprisingly lacking in banter and teasing from the residents of dimple-dorm.
Seungmin thinks for a short moment, before nodding. Even though their abnormally attentive behaviour freaks him out slightly, Seungmin does really want to come with them, and he hums agreeingly.
“That would be nice,” his voice is soft as he answers, “thanks.”
Seungmin feels out of place and in the way as he sits at the dinner table, leg bouncing rhythmically as Chan and Jeongin are busy setting the table, unpacking the freshly arrived food and finding appropriate drinks for them. Meanwhile, he’s just sitting on his ass, not doing anything. He has a strong urge to get up and help, but Chan insisted that he relax, and he knows better than to go against that.
Seungmin’s field of vision is blurry as he’s partly zoned out, but details suddenly sharpen as Bang Chan’s arms come into sight, snapping him out of his thoughts. The silver bracelet on Chan’s wrist catches the light as he sets down a bowl of hot, steaming ramyeon right in front of Seungmin.
“Here you go Seungminnie,” Chan smiles as he whirls around, grabs the other two bowls and places them on the dark wooden table before dropping into a bow reminiscent of a butler as he gestures to the food, “Gentlemen, dinner is served!”
“So silly, hyung,” Jeongin chuckles as he sits down next to Seungmin, arm brushing his shoulder. The simple touch makes Seungmin’s skin tingle and a sigh slips out without his permission. He immediately straightens up, cheeks burning with embarrassment. He’s not exactly one to initiate skin-ship all that often, especially not to the levels as some of the other members, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t need it sometimes. Perhaps, he’s been avoiding it a bit too much the last few weeks.
He looks up at Jeongin, who’s already scarfing down his noodles next to him, clearly not noticing Seungmin’s inner turmoil over a simple brush of skin.
Seungmin shakes his head, trying to get the thoughts to go away and focuses on his meal. They eat mostly in silence. After saying thanks for dinner, Jeongin heads to his room. He needs some space, needs his Jeongin-time, as they’re all used to.
Seungmin helps Chan clear the table. He carries the bowls and utensils to the kitchen, rinses them off and hands them to Chan so he can slot them into the dishwasher in whatever system Seungmin knows he has, because he’s Chan. When they’re done, they naturally migrate to the living room, which has become the primary hangout spot whenever Seungmin has been around lately.
Seungmin snuggles deeply into the comfy corner of the couch, watching as Chan turns on the TV and console, booting up Split Fiction. He turns around, handing Seungmin a controller before he retreats to the opposite side of the couch. Seungmin can’t help but notice that Chan has put as must distance between them as he possibly can, he can’t help the crushing weight he suddenly feels in his heart. He tells himself it doesn’t mean anything, that he’s overreacting.
“Yo, Seungmin,” Chan says, jerking his head upwards as he shoots Seungmin a silly smile, “you ready?”
“Let’s do it,” Seungmin answers, mustering his most convincing smile as he grips the controller tightly in his hands, trying to hone in on the game and ignore the swirling mass of thoughts occupying his busy mind.
The game is harder than he expected, both for him and Chan. They die at about the same rate, but Seungmin can’t help himself, the incessant urge to make fun of Chan is too strong. He likes to call it his loving shit talking, and all the members are victims of it. Sometimes it’s his way of saying I love you.
“Ah damn, hyung, I think your age is getting to your reflexes!” Seungmin says, grinning widely and eyes crinkling. Chan shoots him the dirtiest side-eye, lips stretched in the awkward thin-lipped smile he’s so well known for. He shifts in his seat, and Seungmin braces himself for the inevitable: Chan will tackle him into a hug, press him into the sofa and tease him, telling him that he needs to apologize for being mean to hyung, Minnie!
But- Chan doesn’t move from his spot. He doesn’t give Seungmin’s comment anymore attention, he simply restarts the level and locks back in on the game, clearly expecting Seungmin to do the same.
Static rings in Seungmin’s ears, and his vision tunnels to nothing but the side of Bang Chan’s head. His breathing is shallow, hands clammy and the skin on his thighs and arms prickles, just like it does before he has a – oh. He’s having a panic attack?
Chan’s head turns, eyebrows drawn together in confusion and mouth moving, but Seungmin can’t make out the words. On the screen, Seungmin’s character is standing at the start of the level, the idle animation is the only movement on there, because Seungmin has dropped his controller on the fuzzy carpet.
Chan advances, slowly, creeping closer with his hands outstretched and clearly in view. One warm palm settles on his knee, another is soft against his cheek, wiping away a tear that Seungmin only now realises are streaming down his face.
“I’m here, Minnie,” Chan says, his voice is quiet, but he sounds upset too. Seungmin’s breath stutters, and as he feels his chest convulsing, he snaps back into his own body. Suddenly, he’s too aware of everything, the salt in his tears itches on his skin, the cushions dig into his back and the heat from Chan’s hand radiates through the denim fabric of his jeans.
“I’m-“ Seungmin sucks in another stuttering breath, “I’m fine. Sorry Chan.”
His cheeks burn with embarrassment as Chan softly pats his knee. He can feel Bang Chan’s staring at him, eyes searching his face. He turns his head to the side, averting his own gaze.
“Seungmin-ah,” Bang Chan says, slowly turning Seungmin’s head to refocus his eyes on Chan, “please talk to me. What happened?”
“You hate me.” Seungmin’s answer is short, prompt. But it’s the conclusion he’s reached. Chan doesn’t want him around, doesn’t want to touch him. He must be disgusted by Seungmin, but he’s too nice to say.
“What?!” the sudden loudness of Chan’s voice makes Seungmin jump, wide eyes focusing on his hyung. He looks exasperated, eyes squinted, pure disbelief painting his features.
“Seungmin, what are you talking about?” Chan says, much lower this time, but his hands are now gripping Seungmin tightly, one on each arm.
“I don’t-?” Chan is stuttering now, “what did I do? Why are you saying this now?”
“You haven’t hugged me in three weeks, hyung.” Seungmin says, lips quivering. He meets Bang Chan’s wide eyes; he looks like a deer caught in the headlights. A fresh wave of tears rolls down his cheeks. “You always hug me, but you haven’t. Not once since you found out.”
“You’ve pulled away, and you haven’t mentioned it even once,” Seungmin continues, “you said we’d talk about it, but we haven’t and, and – you must be scared, or maybe – you – you hate me?”
When Chan doesn’t answer in a few milliseconds, Seungmin takes it as a confirmation of all of his biggest fears. He pushes Chan’s hands away, they feel suffocating now, and he curls in on himself. Fingers clenching, nails digging into his palms. He’s biting into his own lip, eyes squeezed shut as more tears pour out, accompanied by pitiful sobs.
And then it happens for the first time in years. His nails sharpen into claws, piercing the skin of his palms where his fingers are curled together tightly. He's biting his lip, he can feel the pain of the lip splitting when his canine teeth suddenly elongate without warning. His heart pounds, this cannot be happening, why now?
Seungmin yelps, panic bubbling up in his chest. He doesn’t even see where he’s going as he flings himself off the couch, and away from where Chan is hovering on his right side. He can’t let Chan see, can’t confirm all the ugly thoughts he must have already. Seungmin’s foot catches on the leg of the small couch table, and he stumbles and tumbles. He crashes pathetically to the floor with a loud thud as he hears Chan call out for him.
“Minnie, don’t hurt yourself!” Chan calls after him, desperately.
But Seungmin isn’t listening, there’s only one thing on his mind. Flee.
He claws at the fluffy blanket, digging his claws into it, dragging himself forward like one of those zombies on a shitty 2010s TV show. But his advancement is halted when strong fingers wrap around his calves and yank him backwards. He screams and kicks, desperate to get away, to hide. But it’s to no avail.
Chan manages to roll Seungmin over, scoop him up from the floor and cradle him in his warm embrace. His hyung quietly reassures him as he holds onto Seungmin. Seungmin struggles, trying to escape Chan's strong hold, but he can’t break free, and so all he can do is sob. Ugly wails tear out of him as he hides his face in Chan’s chest, one last attempt at hiding.
“I’m right here, it’s okay Minnie,” Chan says, but he sounds uncertain and confused. He’s softly patting the top of Seungmin’s head while his other arm is snaked around his torso, obviously tensed in case Seungmin tries to escape his hold. “Minnie please, what’s going on?”
Bang Chan lets the question hang in the air, doesn’t push him further. He softly strokes his hair for several seconds while Seungmin tries to get his breathing under control. All the fight has gone out of him now, and he’s frankly exhausted. He’s confused partly by his own strong reaction but also vaguely understands that he’s been thrown back into the same panic attack several times. Never quite managing to come back to the surface.
“I’m sorry, Hyung,” is the only thing Seungmin manages, feeling awfully guilty for everything. He’s thrown such a tantrum, and he wasn’t even able to contain the monster within himself. Chan has every right to want him gone; he’s too difficult, too much of a nuisance to keep around.
“You don’t need to apologise, Minnie, it’s me who’s sorry,” Chan says, pressing his cheek against the top of Seungmin’s forehead. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, I promise.”
Seungmin doesn’t know what to respond to that, so he just nuzzles closer to Chan, partly for comfort, partly to hide. But Chan is too smart, and he knows him too well.
“Minnie, can you please look at me?” he asks after a while, and Seungmin feels like the metaphorical bear trap has snapped shut around his ankle. He blinks rapidly, before lifting his heavy head, eyes tracking over Chan’s shirt, necklace and chin, before jumping up to meet his eyes.
“Did I freak you out?” Chan asks carefully, caressing his cheek, “I was trying to help really, but I must’ve gone about it wrong, you even bit your lips so hard that it’s bleeding…”
Seungmin huffs out a short breath, a weak imitation of a laugh. Chan is so ridiculous – did he scare Seungmin? Wow.
Seungmin shakes his head and then lowers it.
“You didn’t,” Seungmin mumbles, his fangs feel awkward in his mouth as he’s fighting to keep his lips pulled down over them. “Something else happened. It’s m’fault.”
“Huh?” Chan’s response makes him sound a bit dumb, and Seungmin is too tired and doesn’t see an escape from this situation, firmly held in Chan’s arms until he explains himself, until Chan can fix whatever went wrong.
Seungmin sighs, lifts his head again and bares his teeth at Chan, too tired to think of a more effective way to show him. Chan jerks away when the sharp outline of his canines come into view, head colliding with- and promptly bouncing off the seat of the couch - and Seungmin feels the arm around him loosen. Chan blinks rapidly, face blank. He looks like a cheap imitation of Lee Know. Shame courses through Seungmin at the reaction, however understandable it is. He tries to wiggle free from Chan, but his reflexes are much superior, and he ends up flopping like a fish out of water as Chan’s arm once again tightly curls around him.
“Don’t run,” Chan pleads, “you just caught me off guard, it’s okay!”
“It’s not!” Seungmin sneers. There’s a low growl in the tone of his voice, so different from his signature, clear and melodic sound. “I have fucking fangs and claws, Chan! How is that okay?”
Chan opens his mouth again, and Seungmin knows he’s going to try to comfort him, reassure him. He’s not having it, and he cuts him off before he can even start.
“I’m a danger to you all, a loose cannon, a liability and a burden. And worst of all, I’m a fucking liar.” Steadily, the volume of his voice increases, “I’ve lied to you all! When I think about that, I feel like throwing up!”
His self-hatred bubbles up within him again, and Chan looks helpless as Seungmin drones on. His eyes look so sad, and all Chan can do is just hold on and hope that Seungmin manages to ride it out.
“I lied to you all!” He spits the words out, “But worst off all, I promised myself I’d tell someone else first, and now you know, but they don’t!”
“Hyung?”
Seungmin freezes, as the clear and careful voice of Jeongin cuts through the living room. Both his and Chan’s heads jerk to the side to look at the youngest man. He’s standing in the doorframe of the living room, hands clasped in front of him. His sleeves are so long that they hit the palms of his hands. He’s removed his makeup and washed his hair, and it makes him look so young and innocent. Seungmin feels like the big bad wolf in front of little red riding hood.
“What’s going on?” Jeongin’s eyes flicker from where Seungmin’s clawed hands are tightly holding onto Chan’s shirt, the glint of his fangs in the corner of his mouth and the tear tracks down his face.
“I- um, sorry for yelling, Innie.” Seungmin feels stupid. Somehow, the appearance of Jeongin makes him feel dumb, for raising his voice, for freaking out, and for everything he’s just put Chan through.
“He had a panic attack,” Chan says, and Seungmin hangs his head at that. Of course, Chan noticed.
Jeongin advances carefully, sock-clad feet moving nearly silently over the wooden floor to where they’re sitting near the base of the couch.
“Let’s get you onto the couch, Hyung,” he says, softly pulling Seungmin up by the armpits and gently settling him onto the couch cushions. He’s staring at Jeongin with wide eyes.
“Chan-hyung, can you get him some water, please?” He requests. Chan hesitates, hovering around Seungmin like a helicopter parent, before Jeongin gives him a pointed stare. Chan hurries out of the room, heading straight to the kitchen.
“I got you Minnie-hyung,” Jeongin says warmly, squeezing his shoulder reassuringly.
Seungmin is caught off guard when Jeongin joins him on the couch and slowly leans closer into Seungmin’s personal space until he’s stuck to Seungmin’s side. He lowers his head so it’s softly resting on Seungmin’s shoulder.
All Seungmin can say is “oh.”
Chan returns quietly, handing Seungmin the cold glass of water before he settles on the floor, legs crossed and his back up against the armchair opposite the couch. Like this, he has a clear view of the two youngest members, but he’s also giving Seungmin a bit of space, afraid of overwhelming him any further. Seungmin gulps down the water, only now realising how dry the crying and yelling have made his throat.
“Seungmin,” Chan says carefully, Seungmin drags his eyes away from Jeongin and looks at his hyung. He looks so serious and Seungmin can’t help the instinctual panic of oh no, is he mad at me?
“I really need you to know that I don’t hate you, I never could.” Chan is looking at him so intensely, his tone is genuine and his eyes pained, “I love you, and I’m sorry.”
Seungmin wants to protest, tell him he has nothing to be sorry for, but Chan continues, clearly spotting that Seungmin is as dense as usual, which is only made worse by the self-hatred swirling around his head.
“I didn’t realise how hard these weeks must have been for you,” Chan says, pinning Seungmin down with his stare, as if to say I mean this. “My silence and inaction only hurt you more, I’m sorry, Minnie.”
“Hyung, I’m really sorry too,” Jeongin murmurs, angling his head so he’s staring with his big, sad eyes right into the side of Seungmin’s face, “none of this would have happened if we hadn’t followed you. I was the one who suggested it.”
“It’s okay Innie, you couldn’t have known any of this would happen.” Seungmin can’t help but want to comfort his friend, and out of habit he raises his hand to thread his fingers through Jeongin’s soft hair, but he falters when he sees that his claws are still partly out.
Jeongin follows his gaze to his nails, and his eyes widen at the sight of the literal claws growing from his friend’s nailbeds. Seungmin retreats instinctually; the strong feeling of shame and disgust rolls over him again, curling around his heart. But before he can physically remove himself from Joengin, a warm, soft hand grabs his hand. Jeongin doesn’t say anything, he just slowly guides Seungmin’s hand to his head, and Seungmin feels the tension bleed out of his shoulders as he threads his fingers carefully into Jeongin’s soft, straight hair.
“Just watch the nails.”
Seungmin really tries to keep it together, but Jeongin’s nonchalant attitude makes his chin quiver and his eyes prickle, and there’s no chance Chan won’t notice the way tears are pooling near his bottom lashes.
“Okay,” Seungmin answers, voice small and shaky. It’s all he can manage to get out as he pets Jeongin softly. The angle of his fingers is a little awkward, but it doesn’t matter right now. Jeongin is letting him pet him, even with the claws. He prioritises comforting Seungmin over getting answers to the questions he must have swimming around in his head. He doesn’t even freak out, even when Seungmin is so obviously wrong and monstrous. Jeongin’s eyelids hood as he relaxes even more against his side, and Seungmin’s heart sings, a hopeful little tune; the trust he receives feels unearned, and he can’t help the way guilt mixes with the glee.
“We should’ve talked about this weeks ago, Seungmin. I’m sorry I dragged it on so long.” Chan says quietly, “I guess I didn’t know what to do, and honestly, I feel like I’ve been floundering. I wasn’t sure how to handle any of this.”
“Okay,” Seungmin says, “I guess that’s fair.”
“But we should fix that, so, can I ask a question?" Chan inquires. Seungmin steels himself; they’re finally going to open up Pandora’s box, which has been way too firmly shut for three weeks. Seungmin nods, giving him the official go.
“How come your nails and teeth change appearance now?” Chan inquires, tilting his head slightly, “The full moon shouldn’t be for another week, right?”
Chan doesn’t dance around the topic, goes straight for the jugular. The last part is posed as an additional question, but Seungmin knows him well enough to know that not only has he googled it, but he most likely added the next many full moons to his calendar. He’s Chan, after all.
“Scientifically speaking, no clue.” Seungmin cringes at his answer; his attempt at coping with humour sounds weak even to his own ears, but he’s rewarded with a small giggle from Jeongin. He’s going to have to give them a better answer than that, now that a question was finally asked. It’s not just Chan and Jeongin who need to do better; Seungmin needs to put in work, too.
“It happened a lot more when I was younger,” Seungmin starts. Subconsciously, he opens his mouth so he can lick over the sharpened teeth. When Jeongin looks up at him, he hides his teeth behind his lips again, “especially leading up to the full moon.”
“I’ve never seen it happen before, though,” Chan says, quietly. Seungmin can practically smell the guilt oozing out of Chan from a mile away. The guilt of not being observant enough, present enough, perfect enough. “I feel like that’s a thing that would be hard to miss”
“Exactly, and so I trained to suppress it from the very start. It hasn’t been an issue for years, really.” Seungmin says quickly, trying to stop any worries in his friend’s mind, “I don't understand why it happened now, really.”
Chan nods at that, looking partly consoled and somewhat deep in thought. Then, he opens his mouth to say something, but Jeongin beats him to the punch.
“Does it hurt?” he asks, hesitating a bit before saying hurt, as if he worries it’s a sore spot.
“I guess so, yeah.“ Seungmin says, continuously strokes Jeongin’s hair, the repetitive action feels comforting. “But compared to the pain of the actual transformation, it’s like stubbing a toe, really.”
Seungmin feels Jeongin squeeze slightly closer, face nuzzling into his shoulder as if to comfort him. It makes the side of his mouth twitch upwards slightly, a small smile threatening to emerge.
“Have you always been like that?” Chan asks, breaking the silence again with another heavy question.
“No,” Seungmin says, and Chan looks surprised at that. “I was bitten when I was 12, we were on a family camping trip when we were in America for a few months.”
Seungmin hesitates a bit but decides they deserve to know everything, even the ugly truths. No use in running anymore, he owes his friend to stop lying to them.
“We didn’t really know what had happened. They took me to the hospital to get a rabies shot and to get my arm sewn back up.” Seungmin says, he looks straight at Chan when he says the next part, “But on the next full moon, my sister and I were alone. My parents were on a business trip. We were watching movies on the couch when it happened. I turned, and I attacked her. She managed to flee, and she locked the door behind her.”
He sighs deeply. He remembers waking up the next morning, the confusion and the disbelief he felt when she confronted him with everything that had happened.
“I completely tore apart the living room couch, but luckily my sister escaped without any major injuries.” Seungmin feels Jeongin squeeze his arm reassuringly, and he takes another deep breath. Remembering is somehow both cathartic and painful. “We told my parents everything when they came back, and somehow, they believed us. I guess they didn’t think we could have ruined the couch like that in any other way. They bought a giant dog crate, and they locked me in there the next full moon, just in case.”
“They what?” Chan says, bewildered, unable to hold it in, “They locked you in a cage?”
“It was for the best,” Seungmin argues, rather defensively, “I’m thankful they believed me, I might’ve killed my entire family if they hadn’t done that.”
“Sorry,” Chan says, sounding genuinely apologetic. “I didn’t mean to insinuate anything bad about your parents. I was just shocked, really.”
“They did their best to help me, but I’ve always been able to feel that they were more hesitant around me, from then on.” Seungmin says quietly, “The only one who treated me the same was actually my sister.”
Chan nodded solemnly. It’s as if, with every additional thing Seungmin tells them, another puzzle piece slots into the grand picture of who his friend is. Chan prides himself on knowing his boys well, but everyone has sides they hide away, but Chan feels like the shadow sides of Seungmin have finally been revealed to him and now Chan understands him and his reactions better. The need for normalcy, the anxiety of being seen as a monster and the guilt that seeps woven into Seungmin’s very being at this point. All of it makes sense, and it makes Chan’s heart ache.
Seungmin takes a deep breath, his eyes flicker around the room, and Chan knows this is a nervous habit of his. Though he wants to shoot Seungmin another question, wanting to dig deeper to understand, he gives him a moment of respite. A moment of silence to gather his thoughts.
“I guess that’s another reason why I didn’t want you to know,” Seungmin says, a lump in his throat. Admitting it out loud hurts, “In my head, the second you guys know, it’s over. Even if you let me stay, it’ll never be the same.”
“You’ll never love me the same again,” Seungmin says, quietly. Chan sucks in a breath, the sentence is spoken so carefully and yet it feels like he’s just sucker punched Chan straight in the face. When Seungmin looks up at Chan, tearful eyes and lower lip quivering, Chan can’t hold it anymore; he breaks.
He’s at Seungmin’s side in a matter of seconds, ungracefully scrambling across the floor and dragging himself onto the couch, paying no notice to the small coffee table he topples over in the process. He wanted to avoid crowding Seungmin too much, but all those considerations go out the window at the heartbreaking admission he’s just heard. For the second time within an hour, Seungmin is fully cradled in his arms. Jeongin hasn’t let go of his friend either; he’s holding on to Seungmin’s arm, and so the three of them are tangled together in a mess of limbs. All three of them are crying now, a choir of sniffles fills the room, and every time one of them cries louder, they huddle closer together.
Chan desperately needs to disprove Seungmin’s fears, but none of them can currently manage to get coherent sentences out, and so he hopes he can communicate just an ounce of the love he has for his friend through the bone-crushing hug he has Seungmin wrapped up in. Jeongin is in a similar position, clinging on to his hyung for dear life, his tears wetting Seungmin’s shirt sleeve as he clings onto him, small whimpers spilling from his lips.
“I love you, we love you, Seungmin,” Chan finally manages to stammer out. He carefully places his hands on Seungmin’s cheek, guiding his face out from his chest so he can look him directly in the eyes. Seungmin tries to pull away, wanting to hide, but Chan holds him in place gently, thumb stroking over his cheekbone.
“Please believe me, I don’t love you any less than I did a month ago,” Chan begs. He tries to convey just how genuinely he means it as he looks deeply into Seungmin’s deep brown eyes. He needs to somehow get through to Seungmin; he can’t live with the knowledge that Seungmin thinks anyone who knows will abandon him to some degree.
“You’re one of my best friends, you’re my little brother, and I never want to be without you,” Chan says. Seungmin’s gaze has dropped again, he can't get himself to meet Chan’sgaze, it feels too vulnerable. “I have a lot of feelings about what we learned about you, I won’t deny that, but the negative ones are aimed at myself. I feel guilty that you’ve had to go through all of this alone, that I never noticed.”
Seungmin hesitantly meets his eyes again, but Chan can see his walls are still up, that he can’t believe what Chan is trying to tell him.
“I love you, and I’m not afraid of you, you’re still just Seungmin,” Chan says, lovingly squeezing one of Seungmin’s cheeks, “I’m sorry I was a bit aloof, I didn’t know what to do and didn’t want to ruin anything, but I promise it wasn’t because you scare me or I don’t love you anymore, never anything like that.”
Seungmin is crying again, he’s given up on holding up his own head, and he’s fully counting on Chan to hold him up, to support his weight. Jeongin is rubbing soft circles on Seungmin’s arm, and another hand is placed comfortingly on the side of Chan’s thigh.
“Me too, Minnie. I love you so much.” Jeongin says quietly, “You scared the shit out of me that night, but you also proved that even at what you say is your worst, you wouldn’t hurt us.”
Jeongin lets the words float in the air as Seungmin sniffles loudly, waves of crying taking over him periodically. Then Jeongin places his hand softly on Seungmin’s shoulder, drawing his attention. Seungmin looks into the bright and honest eyes of his youngest friend, trying to steady his stuttering breath.
“Please believe me when I say that I love you and I trust you, and I never ever want to be without you.” Jeongin says, holding Seungmin’s gaze with every point, “I’m sorry you’ve been all alone with this, you’re not alone anymore, you have us, okay?”
Seungmin’s lip quivers again, and he nods. He has so many conflicting emotions swirling around him, but the one dominating is gratefulness; he’s so thankful, he’s so lucky to have these two wonderful people in his life.
Seungmin wakes up feeling stiff and groggy, he blinks a few times until the room comes into focus. He’s still in Chan and Jeongin’s living room, on the couch wrapped in a warm cozy blanket. Neither of the two other boys are with him, probably sleeping in their own beds. It’s dark outside, the light from the city making the sky glow a hazy dark blue, it’s clearly bedtime-o’clock.
Seungmin wonders why he’s woken up but the answer is obvious just a few seconds later; his throat and mouth are drier than a sandy desert, he’s probably slept with his mouth open because all the crying clogged his nose. He kicks the blanket off and drags himself up from the sofa, in the low light he can se that the living room is spotless, no evidence of the dramatic scene from yesterday. The coffee table is upright, pillows straightened out and the tear and snot-stained tissues discarded.
Seungmin heads for the kitchen, opening the fridge as softly as he possibly can. Chan is a light sleeper, and his room is the closest to the kitchen, so Seungmin has to be careful with making noise. He takes out a plastic water bottle, usually the ones they’d bring in the car or something, but he right now it’s better than scrambling around with a glass cup or the big glass bottle, it would be too noisy.
As he’s standing there, gulping down his water, he hears soft footsteps pattering down the hallway, someone else is awake too.
Jeongin rounds the corner and immediately jumps several feet in the air when he locks eyes with Seungmin, clearly not expecting company at this hour.
Seungmin snickers and waves at Jeongin, quickly adding a small greeting when he realises the boy might not be able to see as well as he can right now.
“Gosh, hyung.” Jeongin says, he’s bent over slightly, hands on his thighs as he’s trying to slow down his breathing, “you freaked me out.”
“Sorry, didn’t think anyone else was awake.”
“Me neither,” Jeongin smiles at him, he locks eyes with Seungmin, “did you know your eyes glow green in the dark, like a cat?”
“Huh,” Seungmin says. He kind of knew already, his sister told him years ago, but he forgot, “I guess, yeah.”
“Kinda cool,” Jeongin says, “for a moment I thought a cat had broken in, but we live on the tenth floor, so how would that even happen.”
He knows they just had the big heart-to-heart earlier in the day, but having Jeongin casually mention something related to Seungmin’s condition immediately feels odd. Not unwanted, but like uncharted territory. Everything related to his lycanthropy makes him feel tense, but here Jeongin is, chuckling over a small joke he’s made, talking about it like it’s just a normal fact of life.
“Meow,” Seungmin answers with a straight face as he cranks open the bottle and gulps down half of it in one go.
“Pretty sure that’s the wrong sound for you, Minnie, no matter what way we look at it,” Jeongin grins at his stupid response.
“You can either bark or howl,” he adds, he’s smiling so brightly that his eyes have completely closed shut.
“Hey… uncalled for,” Seungmin pouts, “I would growl at you if hyung wasn’t asleep.”
“Sure, you would,” Jeongin says, an eyebrow raised as he claps him on the shoulder. Clearly, he doesn’t believe him, and honestly fair, because Seungmin wouldn’t. But now he might have to, to prove a point.
Without a word, Jeongin spins around and heads in the direction of his room, but he turns around right before exiting the kitchen and looks straight at Seunmgin, a michevious glint in his eyes.
“Rawr, Wolfgang,” he whispers in his direction, holding up his hands in the imitation of claws, chuckling under his breath.
“Go to bed, Innie,” Seungmin whispers back exasperatedly, not even sure what to do about that amount of funny disrespect without waking Chan.
He goes back to sleep with a warm feeling. The casual way Jeongin interacted with him about his unnatural sides makes him feel hopeful. Maybe everything won’t be exactly the same, but maybe that's okay. Maybe it'll be better if he doesn't have to worry as much about hiding. As long as the boys love him. But he has a hard time not worrying, because there are still five people left in the dark. Five people who may not take it as well, and five people he's just as terrified of losing.