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Yudai’s having a terrible, terrible, terrible day.
Everything and anything that could go wrong has gone horrifically wrong, and everything that never goes wrong randomly went wrong for the first time ever—on today of all days, when he’s already having a terrible day!
He’s not superstitious in the slightest, and he believes in god even less than he believes in ghosts, but he’s starting to wonder if there really is some sort of higher power out there laughing down at him while poking him with a metaphorical stick.
Yudai’s not a bear. He’s tired of getting poked without any sort of reprieve. Everyone—the members, the managers, the staff, the fans—seems to forget that Yudai’s human, too. He bleeds the same as everyone else, and he suffers the same fears, anxieties, and stresses as everyone else, too. Despite that, he’s seen as untouchable, unbound to this world or the rules that exist within it. He’s a god in his own right, right? Everyone treats him like one, so it might be true.
Except, it isn’t. Of course, it isn’t. If Yudai really were some type of god, he would have started making changes a loooong time ago. First, he would have made it so his favorite corner store back in Tokyo never stopped selling his favorite ice cream. Granted, he hasn’t been back there in years, much less back home at all, but it’s still on the top of the list if he ever becomes omniscient. He misses the flavor, but a part of him worries it’s all nostalgia. Maybe it’s better that he’ll never be able to try it again.
Either way, Yudai’s tired of being put on a pedestal. He’s tired of every decision coming down to him, and having his opinion be some sort of law. He isn’t allowed to make mistakes the same way everyone else is, and it’s driving him insane. He doesn’t make mistakes—Yudai’s shortcomings are personal failings. At least, in the eyes of everyone else.
Yudai realizes that probably isn’t true. He knows that he’s definitely overreacting, but he doesn’t care. He’s emotionally exasperated, and he’s tired of constantly having to give five-hundred percent, while everyone else is giving two-fifty. Again, not a fair judgement to pass, but he’s exhausted, alright?
He isn’t looking for some sort of pity-party. The last thing he needs is an intervention with far too much emotion that makes things more awkward instead of fixing them, but he does think some sort of acknowledgement would be nice. Maybe it’s a selfish thought, especially for someone like him to have, but he’s tired of being un-selfish. He deserves to be selfish because of everything he does for everyone else!
Thoughts like these make Yudai feel disgusting and evil, which is why he tries not to linger on them for too long. He knows these feelings are human, and he’s just going through a rough time. Who could have known that the entire photoshoot they had that morning would be ruined because Yudai was standing in the wrong spot? Not him! But he finds it hard to believe that it can’t just be edited in post. He isn’t paid to complain, however. He’s barely paid at all, but that’s an entirely separate issue that he doesn’t like to linger on.
The point is, Yudai’s frustrated. He’s tired, overworked, and on the brink of a breakdown. It’s not like he would ever be afforded the luxury of breaking down and showing that kind of emotion, but the fantasy of doing so is nice. He could finally live up to the persona people have crafted for him. He can read the trashy Pann articles and Tokyo tabloid columns now in his mind (as if they’d ever care about Yudai or their group that much to write about him—which is another thought he really shouldn’t linger on!).
Eldest &TEAM member caught in attitude controversy! Diva rumors finally confirmed? Read now—
He can picture all the comments vividly in his mind with thousands (as if) of upvotes.
I’ve never liked him ever since I-Land.
Finally showing his true colors. Such a shame when the other members are so talented. He ruined the entire group’s image.
I’ve been waiting for someone to finally expose him. Never got a good vibe from him. K is a stupid name anyway.
Who does he think he is? Save our eyes and our ears and just stay in Japan, “Kei-hyung”.
Yudai’s going to crack all his teeth if he keeps thinking like this. He can’t help it, entire body stiff and clenching around the feeling inside his chest. He’s so, so… so something. Everything, and nothing. He just wants to scream.
He’s given the opportunity when Maki barges into his bedroom like he owns the place five minutes after Yudai got home from practice. It’s almost too perfect, because Taki is still out with Nicholas, and Jo, Harua, and Yuma stayed behind to keep practicing. It’s almost like the universe wants Yudai to unleash his rage on a poor, unsuspecting Maki.
To be fair, Maki spends more time in Yudai’s bed than his own these days, but today is not the day for it. Yudai’s not in the mood, and he knows that he’s not going to be able to control his temper.
“Kei-hyungggg.” Maki’s voice is sweet and slow, dripping with so much affection it makes Yudai sick. Yudai’s standing with his back to the door, trying not to cut open his palms from how hard he’s clenching his fists. “I missed you, so I came over.”
It’s always so easy for Maki. He misses Yudai, so he comes to see him. He wants to kiss Yudai, so he kisses him. He wants to fuck Yudai, and so he fucks him. It’s all so simple, easy, and straightforward. He never second guesses anything, like his presence might actually be a burden. For as perceptive as Maki is, sometimes Yudai wonders if he only sees what he wants to see, instead of what’s actually there.
Maybe Yudai’s overthinking it. It’s his own fault for having one of the greatest poker faces in the history of the game, because no one can tell when he’s upset. He’s lived long enough to perfect his tone in a way that masks how infuriated he is, how frustrated and depressed he’s becoming. For some reason, Yudai thought—hoped, perhaps?—Maki learned to see through it all. He’s seen through everything else, so Yudai didn’t think this would be different.
Yudai doesn’t know what to say. He should be polite, probably tell him he can’t entertain him tonight. He doesn’t want to force Maki away, but god, he just needs five goddamn seconds to himself. If it’s not Maki, it’s someone else. If it’s not one of the members, it’s the staff. Lord knows the fans are always demanding something from him. Can’t he just exist as himself for one, measly moment?
“I was about to shower.” Yudai says, voice still and monotone. He doesn’t move, look back, or shake. He stands frozen, gaze burning holes into his bedsheets.
Yudai can hear Maki smile from behind him. He wants to slap it off his face. “To be honest, I came here without showering. Jo and Taki aren’t here, right? I was sorta hoping we could, liiiike…”
The way his voice trails off makes Yudai even angrier. It’s an invitation that Yudai doesn’t need, because he created the party that Maki wants him to attend. He’s the venue, the music, the food, the drinks, the everything—Yudai forged their bond with his bare hands, and he doesn’t need to be reminded that they speak a language only the other understands. He loathes the fact that Maki knows this is something he can ask for and acquire without a second thought.
He can’t explain it in full, and maybe it really is just an irrational explosion of anger, but he’s not strong enough to hold himself back. Even as he’s spinning around, veins bursting with rage, he knows it’s all misplaced. He knows Maki doesn’t deserve this, and yet that doesn’t stop him from stabbing a knife directly into his heart.
“I’m not in the mood to be your sex toy tonight, Maki.” Yudai snaps, venom dripping from each word. “Go jerk off if you’re that horny and can’t control yourself for five minutes.”
Maki’s face immediately drops as his hands fly up, taking a step closer to Yudai like he’s not afraid of getting burned. “Woah, woah, woah. I didn’t mean—”
“You didn’t mean to what? Bother me again? Well, guess what, you do it way more often than you think. Do you even think?” It’s a lie that feels so good to say, so relieving yet horrible at the same time. The relief is euphoric, but the dread that shoots up his throat immediately after makes it unbearable. “I’m not—just, get out. Get out, and leave me alone.”
Maki’s expression sobers Yudai up instantly. His lips fall and curl down into a horrendously sad frown, and it hits Yudai that he literally just kicked a baby puppy. Honestly, Maki looks a little mad, too, like he doesn’t understand where it’s all coming from. However, it’s Maki, and he’s always been more sensitive than he lets on—more emotional than people think. Easier to influence and affect. Yudai realizes that. He knows that his words hold so much more weight than anyone else's, and yet, he still chose to hurt him. It felt good, until it didn’t.
All his rage and frustration disappears as if it was never even there to begin with, and he’s left with nothing but guilt and disappointment at himself for allowing such a pathetic display—for allowing himself to hurt Maki. He doesn’t deserve to feel bad for himself, but he really, really does.
“I’m sorry.” Maki says without needing to, letting his hands flop back down to his sides. He’s defeated, given up on whatever it was he wanted. His voice isn’t exactly shaky, but it’s not as confident and bouncy as it was before—as it always is. “I didn’t know, hyung. I’m sorry. I’ll leave you alone.”
Yudai reaches out before Maki can run away, grabbing onto his shoulder with too much force that scares himself. Maki even flinches, which makes Yudai feel even worse. He loosens his grip and forces himself to hold Maki’s gaze, hoping the sadness behind his eyes is palpable enough. He hopes Maki sees it, and realizes none of this is actually his fault.
His breakdown is over as soon as it began, and Yudai’s back to being the pillar he needs to be. He’s back to shoving all his true feelings down his chest as he searches for a way to apologize and make Maki smile again.
“Wait, Maki.” Yudai pauses, hoping the way he’s rubbing his thumb over Maki’s collar bone is enough to remind Maki that he cares. Enough to calm him down, at least. “I didn’t mean to say that.”
“But you’ve been thinking it?” Maki asks, quick and prompt. “I bother you, hyung. You just said so.”
“I didn’t mean it like that.” Yudai lowers his voice and forces a kind of softness that feels like razor blades against his tongue. “I didn’t mean anything I said. I’m just—I had a bad day. I’m having a bad day. I shouldn’t have taken that out on you.”
The truth is always boring, but that doesn’t stop Yudai from hating discussing it. He doesn’t need Maki to be his therapist, hell, he doesn’t even need Maki to console him. He’s just trying to explain why he’s acting so deranged, so rude, so awful. It’s not an excuse for his actions, but in a lot of ways, it is. Maki would understand that, but Yudai still feels like it’s a cop-out.
Maki glances down at Yudai’s hand, placing his own on top of it. “What’s wrong? You can tell me about those things. I didn’t just come here for sex. You know, I thought—I mean, it’s always more than that to me. You’re more than that.”
He sounds so shy and a little nervous, and Yudai doesn’t want to think about why. Maybe he’s still rattled by Yudai’s harsh tone and the subject of everything he had shouted about. He doesn’t want to consider what Maki’s trying to tell him. Not right now, and definitely not tomorrow. Not next week, not next month. He doesn’t want to, but he can’t stop himself from lingering on each word. You’re more than that. More than what? More than sloppy handjobs in the shower? More than messy makeouts in bed?
“I’m sorry, Maki.” Yudai finally says, clear and straight. “I’m sorry for snapping at you, but you don’t need to worry about me, okay? It’s just a bad feeling that’ll go away in the morning.”
Maki doesn’t believe him. “You don’t have to keep it all inside, hyung. We all have bad days, but I think talking about them makes it a little better.”
It’s ironic. Yudai’s been desperate for an outlet to express all his frustrations, yet when he’s finally given one, he doesn’t want to use it. He doesn’t want to burden Maki with his issues, when he already has so many of his own. Yudai isn’t supposed to vent to Maki—the youngest, the sweetest. He’s not supposed to abuse his kindness and weigh him down with his restless mind.
“I know.” Yudai slowly slides his hand down Maki’s shoulder, running his fingertips all the way down his arm until he stops right at his hand. Yudai delicately holds Maki’s palm with his own, rubbing his thumb over his knuckles. “I’m just really not in the best headspace tonight to talk about that sort of thing.”
Maki’s face softens as he nods. “I won’t force you or anything. I can still leave you alone, if you want. I don’t want to bother you.”
Yudai hates the fact that he ever used those words, because he knows they’re going to continue to haunt Maki for a while. He’s really going to have to make it up to him and try his best to get him to forget, even though Yudai doesn’t deserve that grace. Maki should hold it over his head and force him to beg for his forgiveness like a circus monkey, but Yudai knows that Maki would never and could never do something like that.
“You never bother me.” Yudai says, which he realizes sounds like a lie and probably is one. “I mean, when we’re alone like this. When you come and stay the night, I’m not bothered. I want you here, it’s just… I’m overwhelmed right now.”
“We all need our alone time. I totally understand that, hyung. I really don’t mind going back to my dorm.”
It’s an enticing offer, but there is no way Yudai is letting Maki fester over this tonight. He doesn’t want Maki to wake up alone and replay every second of when Yudai yelled at him. He doesn’t want him to experience any more negativity for today or tomorrow, not if he can’t be there to kiss away his worries.
Yudai brings Maki’s hand up to his lips and presses a soft kiss against his knuckle. “I want you to stay.”
It’s the truth, as well as a way for Yudai to cover up his mistakes. He does want Maki there. He wants to kiss Maki, hold and squeeze him like a stress ball. Maybe he doesn’t want to talk about his feelings, but he definitely wants to use Maki as a distraction from everything he’s thinking about.
Despite not deserving it, Yudai’s allowing himself to be a little selfish. If Maki’s still willing—wanting, rather—Yudai wants him to stay the night. Or forever, if that was possible.
“Okay.” Maki offers a small, reassuring smile. “I’ll stay.”
Yudai leans forward and kisses Maki, slow and gentle. Maki seems a little caught off guard by the tenderness, but he immediately melts into the embrace and drifts closer to Yudai like a balloon drawn to static. Yudai wraps one of his arms around Maki’s waist, while the other drops his hand to instead hold onto his face.
They continue to kiss like that for a few minutes until Yudai pulls back, tired and lethargic. Maki looks just as happy and bright as he did when he first walked through the door, and Yudai relaxes. He doesn’t have to try so hard. Maki knows him—he knows his character. He knows he’s not the person he’s been acting as. Not deep down, not secretly.
“I really do need to shower.” Yudai sighs, deciding to be a little bit more honest and open than before. “But, I’m too tired to do anything. I’d—I’d like to just take one by myself… if that’s okay.”
It’s not a question, because Yudai would never have to ask that. He answers to no one but himself! Well, aside from the company and the fans and the members and—he’s getting sidetracked again. The point is, it’s a decision Yudai doesn’t have to justify. He doesn’t need to feel guilty, and he doesn’t have to defend his choices. For some reason, however, he finds himself feeling guilty over it.
He doesn’t need Maki’s approval, but he still wants it. He needs to know that it’s okay he can have his own space, his own time. He wants Maki, but he wants his independence, too. It’s a strange, weird thought that he doesn’t dwell on. It shouldn’t hold so much meaning, but he finds his heart adding far too much weight onto it.
However, Maki doesn’t even seem the slightest bit upset. “Of course, I don’t mind. I don’t—we don’t need to shower together all the time. I’m sorry if I made it seem like that’s all I wanted.”
Yudai shakes his head. “I don’t think that. You haven’t, I’m just being weird tonight.”
“You’re not weird, hyung. I mean, you are, but not right now.” Maki’s smile is reassuring at the very least, especially paired with the familiar teasing lilt in his voice. “You’re just having a bad day, and that’s like, human.”
Can Maki read his mind? Probably. Probably not. Yudai would know if Maki was clairvoyant.
Either way, Yudai wishes he had the energy and the drive to make out with him. He wants to poke and squeeze Maki until he’s laughing, and shower him with kisses until he’s blushing and whining. He always seems to know what to say, which is insanely remarkable for someone like Yudai who never knows what he wants to hear.
It’s just a single bad day. It doesn’t define him or who he is. He’s allowed to be bratty, annoying, frustrated, and upset. It doesn’t mean he has to take it out on other people, Maki especially, but he shouldn’t be so hard on himself for struggling to hold it all together. Lord knows it’s not realistic, and no one is actually expecting him to.
Yudai kisses Maki again. “You’re so much smarter than me sometimes.”
“That’s going straight to my ego. I’m telling everyone Kei-hyung said I’m smarter than him.” Maki beams with the most kissable shit-eating grin.
“I said sometimes, dummy.” Yudai playfully pushes his shoulder, pouting. “I’m smarter than you, like, all the other times.”
“Don’t care, I’m still letting it get to my head.”
Yudai’s okay with that. He has no issue with inflating Maki’s ego a little bit or making him feel special. He is special, and he deserves to be showered with heartfelt compliments and praise, until he’s as strong and confident as he can be. Yudai hopes his self-assuredness and confidence are the two biggest things that rub off on him. Maki’s been influencing Yudai so much these days, Yudai isn’t able to tell if he’s done the same.
He supposes it doesn’t matter all that much. Maki’s his own perfect person, and Yudai doesn’t need to influence that. Maki’s special enough on his own. Yudai hopes Maki realizes that, or else he hasn’t been doing a good job at telling him.
“Don’t sit on my bed while you wait. You stink.” Yudai teases, untangling himself from Maki as he walks to the bedroom door.
“I’m gonna rub my face all over your pillows.”
Yudai would unfortunately probably like that, so he bites his tongue as he slips out of the room.
Later that night, Yudai’s still awake while Maki’s fast asleep.
He’s laying across Maki’s chest, face tucked against it as he listens to Maki’s heartbeat. It’s slow and calming, a grounding force keeping him from letting his thoughts wander somewhere unpleasant.
Maki’s holding him tonight. His arms are firm and tight, a reminder that Yudai’s not actually ever alone, especially not when Maki’s right there. He has the opportunity and the space to be himself, to vent his frustrations if he decides to do so. Maybe tomorrow or the day after that Yudai will feel comfortable. He isn’t so sure, but he won’t be so hard on himself if he can’t do it.
Yudai rubs a small, lazy circle on top of Maki’s pec, letting himself melt and relax deeper into Maki’s grip.
He has one last thought as he drifts off to sleep, the voice inside his head chanting it like a mantra.
Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.