Chapter Text
He was like an angel. Made of dreams and prayers. Soobin’s head spun at such a beautiful sight.
The boy with the washed out hair stood awkwardly as he awaited his turn for the reading. Soobin’s skin itched at the stuffy air of the tiny chapel. Year in and year out, he found himself spending four weeks of every summer trapped in this forsaken place. Every year new kids came and older kids left. Except for Soobin, at 18 he was the oldest boy still trapped in this decrepit house. Or at least that’s what he thought…
The new boy approached the altar without care. He dressed in dark clothing. A band shirt Soobin didn’t recognise, jeans, bracelets, a studded belt and pair of converse. His dark hair; decorated with faded streaks of red, fell down over his eyes as he read out the sacred words.
“While he was still speaking, Judas, one of the Twelve, arrived. With him there was a large crowd of men, armed with swords and clubs, who had been sent by the chief priests and the elders of the people. Now his betrayer had agreed with them on a signal, saying, “The one I shall kiss is the man. Arrest him.” Proceeding directly to Jesus, he said, “Greetings, Rabbi!” and kissed him. Jesus said to him, “Friend, do what you are here to do.” Then they came forward, seized Jesus, and placed him under arrest.”
Soobin listened intently to the reading. He watched the man’s lips; as he spoke of the kiss, curve into a smile. Almost as if he enjoyed the story of Judas’ betrayal. When he finished speaking, the strange man looked up towards the crowd, his lips crept open like he was about to start speaking but he was stopped by the hand of the priest on his shoulder.
Soobin wished he knew what he was going to say. He imagined any words to come out of someone so beautiful could be just as important as any words in the bible.
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“Choi! Wonderful to see you again! Haven’t you grown so much, how old are you now?”
“Uh- 18 Father.” Soobin said timidly as he swallowed his food.
“I remember your first summer here… you were short back then and covered in pimples! I suppose our Lord has rescued you from the pains of teenage-hood is that right?” The Priest laughed half-heartedly.
“I… I suppose so Father…”
The Priest stood next to Soobin’s lonely table, looking down at him as he sat awkward and uptight.
“Well Choi, This year we have a… newcomer. Well actually i’ve known the boy for many years but the last time he visited us was around 10 years ago now. Now he’s a little older than you, but i trust that a good kid like you will be a good influence on Beomgyu. He’s a troubled young man, however i feel obliged to take him in with us. He’ll be rooming with you in the left wing if that’s alright?”
“I- I’ve already set up my things in the boys dorm… but i can move if you’d like me to.“
“I know, I know i’m sorry for the short notice Soobin this is such an inconvenience. However i find it very important we keep Beomgyu away from the others as much as possible, he’s such a troubled boy- I- but i can trust you to take care of him can’t I Soobin!”
“I-“
“Well here are the keys to the left wing suite. Beomgyu should be around here somewhere… make sure you find him before evening prayers. Good luck Choi! And stop growing!”
Soobin’s mouth was stuck open in shock. What the fuck. The newcomer was the red haired boy wasn’t it? He was gonna have to share a room with him… all alone…
Soobin felt butterflies in his stomach at the thought.
_____________
After 30 minutes of searching, Soobin found the older boy sitting outside the old manor house. He was smoking a cigarette. He looked so pretty as he blew out the smoke… his lips were so…
“Hi!” Soobin gleamed, instant regret turning his face bright red.
Beomgyu turned his head slowly. He looked the tall boy up and down. “Hey..” He answered. “Who are you? My babysitter?”
Soobin was stuck for words. “I- I’m Soobin, Choi Soobin. I’m supposed to be your roommate, i think…”
Beomgyu stood up from his seat on the stone steps and slung his backpack over his shoulder. He walked up to Soobin, so close their noses almost touched. Soobin could taste the smoke on his breath.
“You gonna take me to our room Choi? I’m glad to be sharing with a pretty boy like you.”
Soobin heart skipped a beat. Did he hear that right…?
“I- Um- Ah-“
“Why are you stuttering? Are you nervous?”
“I’m not… You just… shouldn’t say things like that.”
Beomgyu scoffed. He widened his eyes sarcastically. “Why? You think God can hear me?” He smirked, sinfully.
Soobin’s head was ringing. For some reason, a spike of adrenaline ran up his spine. “God can hear everything. Even if you whisper… he’s still listening.”
Beomgyu furrowed his eyebrows. “Do you like it?”
“Like what?”
“That God is always listening. Do you think he keeps you safe?”
“I… I suppose so but… God can’t keep me safe all the time.”
“But it’s comforting isn’t it? To have someone there for you. Always.”
Soobin gulped. “Yeah… yeah it is.”
_____________
The door clicked behind them softly, the tiny room reeked of rotting wood, damp walls and dying flowers. Two flimsy, metal beds with paper thin mattress’s lay on either side of the door; the duvet and pillows folded neatly on top of them. At the other end of the room was a dirt coated bay window that looked out onto to woods. The wallpaper was peeling and decorated with nothing but a large crucifix. At the end of the right side bed, there was a sink and cracked mirror. On the left, a set of drawers. Apart from that, the room was lifeless, singing the songs of past visitors to the boys clouded ears.
The floorboards creaked under Soobin’s feet as he looked around the room. Beomgyu hopped down onto the right side bed, throwing his bag and stretching out his body on the thin mattress. Soobin sat timidly, taking in his surroundings. They were all alone here. Their room was at the end of a tiny hall, above the boys dormitory.
Beomgyu closed his eyes for a second, rubbing his face into the pillow.
Soobin watched him, unsure of what else to do.
“I can feel your eyes.” Beomgyu said after a while. He sat up, reaching for his bag as he started unpacking. “Are you a pervert Choi? Maybe we’ve found our first thing in common!” Beomgyu laughed through a fake smile.
“I’m not a pervert.” Soobin said looking at the floor. “Besides, you’re the one who’s older than me aren’t you?”
“I’m 21.” Beomgyu stated. “You’re 18?”
Soobin nodded. He reached over and started unpacking his bag. He didn’t bring much with him. Only his clothes; all plain t-shirts, jumpers, a few button ups and jeans.
“You must be the oldest one here after me huh? Why’d you still come, i don’t see anyone else your age.”
Soobin turned to look at him. “I don’t know really, I’ve been coming here since i was 12. My parents think it’s good for me. Plus i’m training to be a priest after the summer.”
Beomgyu burst out laughing “Pff- you wanna be a priest? Why?! You can’t even fuck!”
“I- I don’t think about that!”
“What you’re an 18 year old guy and you don’t think about fucking? I find that hard to believe.”
“There’s more important things in life than… sexual relations.”
Beomgyu was practically rolling over in laughter. “What the fuck are you on man! I don’t think i’ve ever heard someone sound like a bigger virgin.”
Soobin heart raced at the insult. He frowned a little. Beomgyu noticed.
“Oh i’m sorry sweetie. Listen, if you’re okay with no ‘sexual relations’ then that’s your choice… but you’re stronger than me.”
Soobin gulped, he continued unpacking his bag and Beomgyu tried to wash down his laughter.
“Well why are you here?” Soobin asked. “I’m guessing you’re not a believer.”
“No i’m not. Not anymore.” Beomgyu walked over to where Soobin sat on the edge of his bed. He looked down at him, hunger in his eyes. “I have uh- problems. Regulating my emotions. That’s what my father says. That’s why i’m here. I think he thinks i’m gonna have some sort of religious awakening in the next four weeks.”
Like a frightened puppy, Soobin held their eye contact. “Maybe you will.” He replied.
Beomgyu smiled. “Maybe.” He reached past Soobin to place something on the dresser. Their faces warm and close. Their heart’s beating in sync. Completely oblivious to what was awaiting them.
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After evening supper and prayers, The boys found themselves back in their room, Beomgyu taking off his shirt. Soobin fished out his pyjamas and head to the bathroom down the hall, not comfortable enough to get undressed in front of the unfamiliar boy. And too scared to look any longer at his body. The older boy was shorter than Soobin. Something about him reeked of delicacy. He seemed so breakable, vulnerable despite his outgoing behaviour.
When Soobin came back, He said his own prayers with his rosary wrapped between his fingers. Beomgyu watched the kneeling boy intently. His fingers playing with his own waistband.
“So you really never think about it?” Beomgyu asked softly. He sounded curious now, not mocking.
“Think about what?” Soobin asked even though he was completely aware.
“Sex.” Beomgyu answered. “Do you even masturbate?”
Soobin gulped. “I don’t feel comfortable talking about that.”
Beomgyu sat up, reaching a hand out to touch Soobin’s shoulder. “You can trust me Soobin, i swear it. Besides who would i tell?”
Something in his eyes looked so sincere, so gentle. Soobin felt his heart skip a beat.
“This isn’t… I… it’s not your business.”
Beomgyu sulked. “Whatever man.” He lay back down and rolled over to sleep. Thoughts of the taller boy touching himself ran through his head. So shameful and embarrassed. Beomgyu wondered if he’d cry during it. Completely taken over by sin.
_____________
It was light outside when Gyu woke up, his eyes clouded as he rolled over, facing the window. Like an angel, a shadow sat on the ledge, something metallic in its hand.
Beomgyu watched as the angel took the blade to its skin. One slow drag against his thigh. A whimper in pain. A rosary clutched in the other hand.
Beomgyu watched as a tear rolled down the angels cheek. He mumbled some kind of mantra to himself over and over and over again.
Beomgyu watched as Soobin leaned his head back against the window frame and looked out to cold morning skies. He watched as the boy ran his palm over his underwear. Another whimper leaving his throat.
Beomgyu rolled back over silently. His mind racing with his new found discovery. Maybe he would have a religious awakening in the next few weeks, if this is what God was gifting to him.