Chapter Text
A fucking gut infection. It was the only thing that could ever bring Ilya Rozanov to his knees other than the time when Shane Hollander dropped to his knees and swallowed him down for the first time in room 1410 after the CCM advertisement all those years ago. Ilya did not get sick. At least not like this but fate had other plans for him a year ago and left him with IBS after a nasty gut infection that made him feel like he could never leave the house again for months until he got the symptoms under control.
For months it was a trial and error process with food to find out what caused his flare-up's and what food made him feel as close to normal as he could get with his condition. There were moments of despair when Ilya thought he would never be normal again or be able to function like a normal human being until finally his IBS finally settled down enough for him to be as close to normal as he could be with chronic illness.
He still felt a lot of embarrassment and discomfort on his bad days and on the days his IBS was quiet it still made him miss the days he could eat or drink anything he wanted without repercussions. Ilya hated that all this coincided with Shane's move to Ottawa and joining the Centaurs after he was cruelly forced out of Montreal.
Ilya would have much preferred to spend his time enjoying playing along-side Shane on the same team and finally getting to live in the same house as his boyfriend after years of long distance and hotel rooms on the road. Ilya felt like Shane had been amazing as ever helping him through the worst of it even if Ilya gave Shane plenty of reasons to leave him for good only for Shane to tell him to shut up because he wasn't going any where any time soon.
Shane had even reminded him that he was very happy to remain a problem that Ilya never wanted to go away. Shane had also reminded Ilya that he had even told him that himself the first time they stayed at the cottage.
It was the off-season and Ilya was at home alone lying on the sofa curled up on his side playing games on his phone and wondering how long it would be until Shane got home from lunch with his parents. Ilya was supposed to join them but another IBS flare up put an end to the lunch that Ilya had been looking forward to.
Ilya regretted telling Shane to go and have lunch at his parents house even though Shane had told him he could just tell his parents that they changed their mind about it and stay at home instead. Ilya didn't want to do that so told Shane to go for lunch with his parents and just tell them that Ilya was sick.
Ilya had asked Shane not tell anyone about his IBS diagnosis including Shane's parents and Shane agreed even if Ilya felt bad for making Shane lie for him to his parents. Ilya felt way too embarrassed about his condition for anyone other than Shane to know about it even if the doctor had told him it was a very common problem.
Ilya thought a very common problem was understatement because there was nothing worse than having to play a game or go out with the team to a bar when he felt bloated, constipated, distended and full of gas to the point there was a hard lump sitting like a rock in his abdomen when he pressed down on it that would not move until it felt like it. Laxatives could only do so much but they helped over the short term.
The flare-ups were the worst and it was made even worse when the sharp pains and gurgling sounds would start making Ilya feel sure that everyone in his immediate surroundings could hear it. Ilya knew if he could hear it then every one else could too and it was why he stayed at home today. Ilya knew what the culprit was and it was all Bood's fault again.
Last night they had a team barbeque at Bood's house at the end of the season to celebrate winning so many games and an overall great season now that they had Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov on their roster. Ilya knew barbeque food was one of his triggers but the spicy chicken made by Bood was too good to resist and at the time it felt like a good idea to eat it until the cramps started an hour later.
Ilya was fed up of the way his condition meant that some foods that were off-limits but when he saw the spicy chicken along with the smell of it making his mouth water Ilya decided fuck it and ate the food enjoying every single bite for a short amount of time before the stomach cramps kicked in. Ilya had spent the rest of the time trying to ignore them but Shane had noticed his discomfort and quickly made an excuse for them leave.
His indulgence in spicy chicken had been so worth it but now Ilya was paying the price for it and he knew he would do it again in the future so he felt no regrets right now despite the pain he was in. Even though Shane had quietly warned him not to eat it he still lovingly watched as Ilya threw caution to the wind and ate the delicious food. Shane knew he would be taking care of his boyfriend over the next few days not that he cared about it knowing he loved nothing more than being alone with Ilya either hanging out doing nothing or taking care of him even when Ilya knowingly made stupid decisions.
Shane knew he was in for a night of no sleep with Ilya curled into his side while complaining about his bad decisions until the stomach cramps subsided enough for them to get some sleep. Shane didn't mind it at all but he just hated seeing Ilya is so much pain for the whole night and in the days after it. He hated seeing the discomfort on Ilya's face as his bowels slowly deflated by letting out flatulence all night even if they both laughed over it knowing there was nothing else they could do.
Ilya had looked at Shane not missing the fond look on Shane's face as Ilya told him it wouldn't be the last time he would eat something he wasn't supposed to eat and Shane knew it too.
Ilya would have went with Shane for lunch but since it was the middle of summer it was too warm for him to wear his baggy hoodie to cover his distended bloated abdomen that made him look like a six month pregnant woman. He was so bloated he felt like he would explode and it was too painful right now to even think of putting on a tight pair of jeans or to eat a plate of pasta for lunch after going through hell last night.
He had managed to eat a light breakfast this morning and anything heavy in his stomach right now just felt like another type of hell at this point. He hadn't wanted to eat at all not wanting to upset his stomach even more than it was but Shane kind of talked him into it pointing out that a little bit of food might help settle his stomach. Ilya gave in and ended up finishing the whole thing once hunger took over and he knew Shane had been right.
But now he was happily lying on the sofa in his loose tracksuit bottoms and a loose baggy t-shirt that he thought belonged to Shane at some point. Ilya loved their clothes sharing habits and he knew Shane did too as he often saw Shane wearing his clothes too. The abdominal cramps and the gurgling had mostly gone away and died down but it was the residual bloating that could last for days or weeks that was the hardest part for Ilya.
What he hadn't told Shane was how much his condition was affecting him psychologically and how lately he had been thinking that Shane could find someone better looking than him. In the past, Ilya knew he was good-looking, he was over-confident about it and he worked hard in the gym to have the strong fit body he needed to play hockey.
A perk of looking the way he did was that people admired him or were attracted to him and sometimes it was a combination of both but right now Ilya felt a million miles away from that image. Ilya knew what he had looks wise and he knew how to use it to pull any man or woman into his bed for the night. But now he just felt like his body had turned into something he didn't recognise anymore and it was fucking with his mind and not in a good way.
He was starting to wonder what Shane ever saw in him to stay with him over the last few years as Ilya he felt like he was losing his looks with each passing day. Ilya never told Shane he felt that way knowing Shane would never agree with it at all. Shane never let Ilya forget just how attracted he was to him even if Shane only let those thoughts slip when they were being intimate with each other.
Ilya would always tease Shane for his slip-up's about how hot he thought Ilya was and then laugh when Shane would deny it or tease him back or call him an asshole and tell to go fuck himself. Ilya would laugh and tell Shane he was welcome to do it for him but he'd rather fuck Shane.
But for months Ilya had been feeling like he wasn't attractive anymore with the constant bloating and having to work even harder in the gym to maintain the physique he had before his diagnosis. In the early days of his diagnosis he lost enough weight for it to be noticeable when looking at him without a shirt on but he didn't lose enough weight for it to affect the way he played hockey. The team doctor had been concerned that he lost a lot of muscle weight but Ilya felt like it was a constant struggle to be able to maintain the muscle he had and to gain back what he lost no matter how much he worked out or fine-tuned his diet.
It was also the constant bloating that made him doubt his self-worth and wonder if Shane would be better off without him and to be with someone better looking. In the early days Ilya had been shocked when he woke up one night to see Shane sitting beside him in their bed with a lamp on low light with his head buried in his phone looking for more information on what Ilya could eat and couldn't eat with IBS along with how to manage the condition.
Ilya lay there silently looking at Shane's face that was lit up by the phone screen not even realising Ilya was wide awake and looking right at him. Ilya knew he loved Shane so much and it reminded him of the time at the cottage when Shane came up with a whole plan for him to move to Ottawa so they could be together. But Ilya couldn't let Shane lose another night's sleep over him and let Shane know he was awake before he persuaded Shane to put the phone away and try to get some sleep.
Shane had reluctantly turned his phone off and put it over on the bedside table before lying down beside Ilya not able to resist telling Ilya about all the information he read and the things Ilya could try so he could get his condition under control. Ilya had silently listened to Shane feeling like it was all too much information to process in the middle of the night along with it being first time in his life that someone was going to these lengths for him.
All Ilya could do was tell Shane that it all sounded very interesting but there was more interesting things they could be doing right now. Shane had fondly laughed knowing it was too much information for Ilya in the middle of the night and happily let Ilya distract him by kissing him and taking Shane's mind off everything. But now in the present day Ilya realised IBS just something he was going to have to live with and was never going to ever go away and while some things worked and others didn't he had a handle on the whole thing now.
He just liked to indulge from time to time and even if his diet was perfect his bloating problem never went away which pissed him off so much. He felt like everyone in the locker room was judging him for something he had no control over. Ilya didn't even do media appearances after games shirtless any more and he hated it when he saw strangers making horrible comments online about it and about how much he had changed ever since his relationship with Shane was made public knowledge. Thanks for that Hayden Pike you fucking asshole.
Even though Ilya was glad to be out he still hated the way Hayden had been so fucking stupid to not check the fan mail video first before sending it to whoever requested it. Ilya hated that their chance to come out on their own terms had been stolen from them through someone else's carelessness. Even if Shane had forgiven Hayden, Ilya knew he would never forgive him for it not after what Shane had to go through in Montreal.
Ilya's thoughts were disturbed when he felt movement on the sofa and he rubbed his eyes to see Shane was now lying in front of him dressed in one of Ilya's tracksuit bottoms and an old Boston raiders t-shirt.
Ilya didn't even try to hide the grin on his face as he slid his arms around Shane's waist to pull him closer and kissed him on the lips before looking at him whispering "better, so much better" softly.
Everything was better when Shane was at home and lying in his arms but Ilya wasn't going to say that out loud even if he knew Shane knew it too. Shane heard the words as he let Ilya pull him closer and he lightly rubbed Ilya's side while looking at him "are you feeling any better" softly.
Ilya looked over Shane's face noticing all the freckles on his face before he looked at him "yeah I am, the stomach cramps are mostly gone but it's the bloating that's the worst and it's sore too" firmly.
Shane knew Ilya was so self-conscious about the bloating as he told Ilya "I told my parents you had a brand meeting and couldn't make it to lunch, I didn't want to say you were sick in case my mom decided to show up" firmly.
Ilya quietly laughed before teasing "at least it's a better lie than the silent retreat where your dad showed up and caught us together" softly.
Shane could laugh at it now as he rolled his eyes not able to hide the smile on his face "yeah well, I learned better ones from you" softly.
Ilya nodded in agreement not even hesitating "better late than never" lightly.
Shane softly laughed as they fell into a comfortable silence making him wish he had just stayed at home and not gone to lunch with his parents.
Ilya sighed and rubbed his abdomen with his hand before joking "well you finally did it, you got me pregnant Hollander, I'm due any day now" playfully.
Shane knew Ilya joking about the bloating was his way of dealing with it and he would never laugh at Ilya's pain or discomfort but he still teased "so I did a good job then because that was my intention" firmly.
Ilya wasn't expecting that and he wasn't able to hide the grin on his face before replying "and people say I'm the asshole" with no heat in it.
Shane shrugged his shoulder while biting down a smile and muttering "well you are and I've got an image to maintain" firmly.
Ilya heard it and laughed feeling so much better now that Shane was home to stop his spiralling thoughts and told him "so what's it like being so perfect and Canada's golden boy" firmly.
Shane hated that media image so much and he hated that it followed him to the Centaurs as he laughed "fuck you and you're Canadian too" firmly.
Ilya laughed knowing Shane wasn't wrong as he recently got his citizenship which meant Russia was no longer a threat to him or their relationship.
Ilya was so happy that he would never have to go back there but still chirped at Shane "at least I'm not a boring Canadian" with a deadpan expression.
Shane shoved Ilya away from him before pulling him back to him "you're an asshole" with no heat in it at all.
Ilya nodded his head with a grin on his face "yeah but you still love me" smugly.
Shane didn't even try to hide the smitten smile on his face not caring to admit "yeah I do and you love me too" softly.
Ilya didn't even hesitate "I do and I love you so fucking much" firmly.
Ilya tightly hugged Shane in his arms before sliding leg over Shane's leg and sighed in contentment not missing Shane's warm hand that was now softly rubbing his abdomen. When Shane came home he noticed Ilya lying on the sofa staring off into the distance and Shane knew it must have been bad if Ilya never heard him come into the house.
Shane knew Ilya had things on his mind asking "you want to tell me what's on your mind" lightly.
Ilya wasn't sure if he wanted to but these thoughts had been growing in his mind over the last few months and he knew Shane along with the guys in the locker room had to have noticed he'd been acting differently. They had to have noticed the way he quickly pulled his clothes on after a shower with his back turned to the room. They had to have noticed the way he always quickly pulled his team hoodie on after a game to go and answer media questions.
They had to have noticed that sometimes Ilya didn't even bother with a shower after a game when he was in the middle of flare up and would pull his hoodie and tracksuit bottoms on over his compression gear before leaving the room knowing Shane would be right behind him. Ilya knew Shane would skip his shower so Ilya wouldn't have to wait in the car so they could both go home for the night and shower at home.
If the guys on the team said anything to Shane then Shane never said anything to him at all. Ilya felt like Shane had to have to noticed the comments about his body online from strangers who knew nothing about him or the fact that he had IBS. Ilya's confidence in himself was starting to plummet and he felt like people were noticing especially online. It was only a matter of time before his team and Shane noticed and if Shane noticed then it meant the guys in the locker room noticed too but they never said anything to him about it.
Ilya felt like it was obvious at this point since a whole season had passed since his diagnosis and no one ever said anything to him but they had to have noticed something in the locker room.
Ilya silently looked at Shane before asking "have you noticed I don't change in the locker room anymore, I don't do media shirtless anymore, people online have and they aren't nice about it, have the guys said anything" softly.
Ilya sort of regretted asking that question but then he decided he didn't care anymore not when he saw the look on hesitant Shane's face that told Ilya the guys on the team did notice something was up but kept quiet about it.
Shane knew he would never lie to Ilya and admitted "I did notice and the guys did too, they asked me about it because they're worried about you but I told them it was nothing worry about and you would tell them in your own time or not all, they won't ask you because they respect your privacy" firmly.
Ilya felt like he should have known he could never hide it from them but he also knew they would never push him to tell them anything which he liked a lot.
Shane noticed Ilya was too quiet about it and added "they told me they won't push you to tell them but they just want to know that you are okay because they've noticed you leave to take a shower at home sometimes" softly.
Shane and Ilya both knew that Ilya always left when he was in the middle of a bad flare-up and not wanting anyone to see the bloating Ilya felt more comfortable taking a shower at home.
Ilya couldn't keep it to himself anymore hesitantly admitting "I don't feel the way I used to about myself any more, you know when it's bad I prefer to shower at home and not do media after the game" softly.
Shane did know that but he hadn't forgotten something else Ilya said and told him "I know" before asking "what are people saying about you online" not able to keep the anger out of his voice.
Shane hated they way people would say bad things about Ilya either online or offline when they didn't even know him away from the ice. It was one of the reasons Shane didn't talk to Hayden anymore not with the way Hayden kept antagonising Ilya at every opportunity making Shane realise that Hayden quite clearly hated Ilya.
When it came down to it Shane knew he would choose Ilya every time and after seeing the way the Centaurs had accepted Ilya and their relationship it wasn't a hard decision for Shane to stop being friends with Hayden. After he was forced out of Montreal Shane had easily forgotten that team who never appreciated him when he made a home for himself with Ilya on the Centaurs.
The guys on the Centaurs quickly became his friends and Shane quickly noticed how they treated him in a much better way than his previous team. It made Shane realise he never had any friends in Montreal other than JJ and Hayden but now Shane very rarely spoke with either of them any more.
Ilya wasn't sure if he wanted to talk about it but at the same time it was annoying him so much so he vented "just the usual shit, that I'm an asshole which we all know and other things" angrily.
Shane didn't agree with any of those things at all and even though Ilya could be an asshole he was never malicious unlike the homophobic assholes that were Shane's old team.
Shane disagreed with that and pointed out "Montreal are the real assholes, not you because you've never been malicious to anyone and those people online don't even know you the way I do and they never will" firmly.
Ilya felt like he should have known Shane would defend him like that even if it was true but Ilya still wasn't able to hide the insecurity he felt over those hurtful comments from showing on his face.
Ilya felt his eyes sting with tears and he looked away not missing the way Shane gently wiped them away before he told Shane the rest of it "they say I'm boring now that I'm with Shane Hollander, they noticed I never do media shirtless anymore and say I've probably gotten fat or something, they said I'm not attractive any more and I didn't really look at the rest of it because it was bad even if it's true" softly.
Shane felt like Ilya was forgetting something and he softly smiled before teasing "but you like my boring and you know it" softly not missing the small smile on Ilya's face.
Shane let the smile fall from his face completely hating that Ilya thought he was unattractive because some idiots online said it and he needed Ilya to know "and you're not fat or unattractive so don't listen to them, they don't know what they are talking about so stop looking at the comments on social media" firmly.
Shane hated that look on Ilya's face "I'm not with you for your looks, I think you're fucking hot and I love your personality a lot more" firmly.
Ilya looked at Shane knowing Shane really did love him and like him as a person and Ilya believed him and confidently told Shane "the sex is good too, right" more of a question than a statement.
Shane laughed thinking Ilya half-way back to his normal self now not even hesitating "yeah it is but you're a fucking asshole and I love you for it" firmly.
Ilya didn't agree with that sarcastically muttering "and you're not" softly.
Shane laughed knowing he was just as much of an asshole as Ilya and they both loved it.
Shane felt the words rushing out of him needing Ilya to know "I am an asshole, you let me be myself and I love you for it, you're the best hockey player after me and you're the only one that can keep up with me and I love you for it, you push me to my limits and I love you for it, you make me feel safe to be myself and I love you for it, I don't have to pretend to be something I'm not with you and I love you for it" firmly.
Ilya had enough of Shane's flattery because as much as he loved it, it was making him uncomfortable and it was becoming too much because he wasn't used to hearing things like that at all.
He never heard anyone say those things to him until he met Shane so he gently placed his hand over Shane's mouth while exclaiming "okay, okay Hollander, that's enough flattery, I get it so thank you but there's just one thing wrong there and it's you that's the second best hockey player not me" firmly.
Shane tried to look offended but his eyes were full of affection for the man in front of him and he laughed "fuck you Rozanov" softly.
Ilya pulled Shane closer to him and pointed out "still beat you in the scoring race this year" smugly.
Shane lightly kicked Ilya with his foot "only by two goals you fucking asshole and I'll beat you next season" firmly.
Ilya loved that while they played on the same team now they always found ways to compete with each other on the ice even though they both missed playing against each other at times.
Ilya felt a million times lighter since Shane came home and it showed on his face as he replied "good luck with that, you're going to need it because I plan to win again" firmly.
Shane laughed shaking his head in disbelief knowing he loved being like this with Ilya so much. He loved playing with him on the same team but he also loved it when they found ways to compete with each other over the season even if the rest of the team were always encouraging it and teasing them over it.
They fell into a comfortable silence for a few seconds before Shane spoke "but I mean every fucking word of it, I love you for you and we can work on the bloating thing, it will die down in a few days when the inflammation goes away, just eat plain food for now and we'll go for a run or a work-out later if you're up for it" firmly.
Ilya knew they would do that as he hadn't done his work-out yet and he wanted to because it did help so much as he admitted "I know but the bloating is there all the time no matter what I do or eat so what if it never goes away" softly.
Shane knew that was a possibility and he wasn't going to lie and say it would go away when it probably wouldn't go away. Ilya would hate him if he lied so Shane told him "then it doesn't but you need to know that I'm also never going away, I'm a problem you can't get rid of so remember that I'm more stubborn then the bloating thing so talk to me next time" firmly.
Ilya silently looked at Shane knowing he was right and he sighed "yeah you're right, I don't ever want you to go away" softly.
Shane felt relieved at that not even hesitating "I wont and I'm glad you know that" softly.
Shane fell silent before adding "do you want to tell the guys at some point, it might make things easier when you have flare ups because of game stress and I don't think they will care, they just want to know you're okay" softly.
Ilya didn't know if he did or not but he didn't want to be starting a new season knowing that the other guys knew something was up with him so Ilya admitted "I don't know, I just know it's embarrassing even if they know something is up and I don't want to make them uncomfortable" softly.
Shane knew they had a while to think about it but it would be Ilya's decision so told him "I know but if they know it might take the pressure off and we have all summer to think about it, we can tell them over the summer or whatever you want and we don't have to say anything if you don't want to" firmly.
Ilya slightly nodded his head before replying "yeah I know, just let me think about it for a while but I think I would prefer over the summer if I was going to say anything" softly.
Shane moved to lie on his back not even trying to hide smile on his face when Ilya curled into his side and rested his head on his shoulder and slid his arm across Shane's waist before sighing in contentment. Shane had his arm wrapped around Ilya's shoulders and buried his hand in hair lightly gripping the curls between his fingers as a question sprung to mind even if he already knew the answer.
Shane lightly rubbed Ilya's arm that was lying across his waist with his other hand before asking "so are you going to eat spicy chicken at the next barbeque" softly.
Ilya groaned and laughed knowing that right now it a firm no but it would be a few weeks until the next barbeque and the way he felt right now would be long forgotten about as he admitted "I think so, probably, yes but not right now" softly.
Shane expected that answer and quietly laughed to himself before kissing the top of Ilya's head not even hesitating "I know you will and I'll be right there beside you all night after it as you regret your decision until the next time and for all of the times after that" firmly.
Ilya laughed again knowing it was true "yeah I know you will so tell me what happened at lunch" softly.
As Shane told him everything that happened at lunch Ilya felt those insecurities slowly fade away and he knew there no way Shane was going anywhere any time soon. Ilya knew later on they would go for a run or maybe have a work-out in their gym but for now he was quite happy to lie here on the sofa with Shane in their home and forget about the outside world for as long as possible.
He didn't want to think about the guys on the team or the stupid idiots online with their stupid opinions who had nothing better to do with their lives for the rest of the summer. Maybe sometime in the future Ilya would tell his team about what was going on with him but he pushed that thought out of his mind for now much preferring to focus all his attention on Shane for the rest of the day.