Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

 - x -

„A reunion trip?“

Kyungsoo is sitting in his office, sorting out the endless invoices that his boss has stacked on his desk that need to be paid and booked by the end of the month.

„Well, it isn’t really a trip.“ Chanyeol speaks from the other end. „Junmyeon suggested it, since we haven’t been together for a while. Like, you know, all of us together.“

Kyungsoo highlights some numbers while he’s listening to Chanyeol, his phone on speaker. He was lucky enough to finally get his own office; even if it’s only big enough for a creaking desk and an ugly plant to fit in. He’s not complaining; not after working in that stuffy cubicle next to all the other worn out faces of his co-worker for nearly two years.

„Why do I find that hard to believe?“ Kyungsoo snorts a bit.

„Which part?“

„Well, isn’t Junmyeon too busy preparing to take over his dad’s business and stuff?“ He scrunches up his face at the amount of money printed on the telephone bills for his boss. It’s always Kyungsoo who has to face the annoyed look on the man’s face when he drops off the monthly invoices on his desk; as if he’s the one asking for a ridiculous amount of money from him. „I can’t remember the last time he went out with us.“

„I know, I know.“ Chanyeol sighs. „I was surprised too.“ Kyungsoo can hear him chat to someone else for a moment, knows that Chanyeol’s at work at his café at the moment. „But I guess that’s the reason why. He wants to spend some time with us before, you know. His life officially ends.“

Kyungsoo snorts. „Alright. I’ll bite. Where are we going then?“

„Do you remember his family’s house up in the mountains we went to back in college?“ Chanyeol asks and Kyungsoo hums after a moment.

„Yeah. Somewhere in Pyeongchang, right?“

„Yup. His dad’s given him the key for a few days. Well, a week to be exact.“ Chanyeol makes a surprised sound and then shouts something that sounds like a curse. Kyungsoo pulls a pained face when he can hear a nervous apology coming from a girl. „I swear, this girl’s driving me crazy! How can someone be so damn clumsy?!“

„Who?“

„Miyeong! She dropped a pile of porcelain plates just yesterday and now she broke a vase- Ugh, fuck this. I want to burn this café down.“ Chanyeol whines some more and Kyungsoo sighs at his friend’s antics.

„You done being dramatic?“

„I’m a business owner; I have every right to be dramatic, thank you.“

„You own a café big enough to fit like, three tables in.“

„Fuck you.“

„Can I hang up?“

„No!“ Chanyeol groans. „Look, you up for it or what?“

Kyungsoo scribbles some dates down on his papers and then clicks his pen for a while, already thinking about how hard it’ll be to get some days off, especially with Christmas only a few weeks ahead.

But then again, he can’t remember the last time he had a day off. He’s been working for this company for almost three years now, putting up with a crappy salary with no raise or promotion in sight and sometimes doing stupid copying jobs for days because his boss doesn’t seem to have heard of something called interns.

He’s only had three proper holidays so far. He could probably sue his boss if he wanted but he needs him to survive so that’s not an option he ever considered.

„Who’s coming?“ He wants to know.

„Well. Everyone? I called them all this morning.“ Chanyeol replies excitedly.

„Who is all?“

„Ugh, Kyungsoo you’re still so fucking complicated! I’m talking about me, you, Junmyeon, Baekhyun, Minseok, Yixing, Jongdae, Sehun and Jo-“

Chanyeol stops talking there and Kyungsoo doesn’t quite understand why at first. He frowns to himself.

„You still there?“ He asks, snorting a little when Chanyeol doesn’t say anything for a few seconds.

„Uhm.“ Chanyeol clears his throat. „I forgot to tell you.“

„Forgot to tell me what?“ Kyungsoo sighs, going back to marking the numbers on his papers.

„He’s coming too.“

Kyungsoo stops what he’s doing for a moment, his stomach dropping a bit.

How could he be so dumb? Chanyeol did say all of them.

„Who?“ He wants to know - just to make sure - even if he already knows the answer.

Chanyeol groans first and then sighs. „Jongin. He’s… He’s back.“

Kyungsoo stays silent after that. „I didn’t know that.“ His voice betrays him and he knows Chanyeol hears it too.

„I'm sorry Soo. We wanted to tell you sooner but we just.. didn't know how you'd react."

„When did he-" Kyungsoo gulps, curses himself for acting like this. It's been such a long time and here he is, letting that fucking wound get ripped open once again after he's tried so hard to take care of it, to make sure it healed properly and would not open up again. Like right now. „When did he get back?"

Chanyeol's silent for a moment. „A week ago. I haven’t seen him yet. But Sehun said he’s back for good. I… think he's going to stay this time."

He's going to stay.

He's going to walk back into their lives. Into Kyungsoo's life.

Kyungsoo exhales heavily, suddenly feeling dead tired. He hears Chanyeol talking to him but his mind is already going back to six years earlier; a place he stopped going to when memories started to hurt a little too much and stopped him from moving on with his life after everything that happened between him and Jongin more than two years ago.

They all met back in first year at college.

Kyungsoo can’t quite remember how such a big group of guys with different interests and weird characters ended up turning into this inseparable group of friends they still are today, even if not as close anymore since adulthood doesn’t allow it otherwise.

They somehow turned into some kind of a replacement for their families, since all of them were so far away from home.

Kyungsoo has been keeping in touch with all of them ever since they left college two years ago.

Well, all of them; except for one person. The one person he used to know like the back of his hand.

Because Kyungsoo remembers exactly how he met Jongin.

Remembers slipping on a patch of ice outside on campus, remembers his flash cards flying everywhere and remembers some douchebags laughing their asses off when he almost hit the ground as well.

He also remembers two of them telling them to stop laughing despite wearing amused grins of their own before they walked towards him to help him collect his stuff.

- x - 

„You better be careful.“ One of them said; the one with nearly yellow hair and a smile that was so huge it walls almost a bit creepy.

Kyungsoo was about to say thank you when the other boy held out his flash cards for him, a shy little smile on his face. His cheeks were red from the cold and his brown locks a bit messed up from the freezing air around them.

Kyungsoo’s heart did a stupid, excited little jump in his chest when their eyes met.

„Thank you.“ He said, reaching for the cards and trying not to let the touch of their fingers linger since the boy’s skin felt so warm against his own.

„I don’t think we know each other. I’m Lee Taemin, majoring in dancing. Who are you?“ The first one with the lemon hair asked.

„Do Kyungsoo. Business Administration.“ He quickly replied, reaching out with his free hand to shake hands.

„And this fella here is my little friend Jongin. You probably heard lots about him around here.“ Taemin chuckled with a wink while bringing the mentioned boy into a head lock.

Kyungsoo focused back on Jongin and tried not to smile when he saw the boy blushing at Taemin’s words while he pushed the boy away from him, grumbling to himself. Kyungsoo shook his head when their eyes met. „Sorry. Can’t say I have.“

„I’m Kim Jongin, also majoring in dancing.“ The boy said. He reached his hand out for a hand shake as well and when Kyungsoo pressed their palms together Jongin - for some unknown reason - started to smile, and Kyungsoo naturally smiled back and that right there, was where the start of Kim Jongin and Do Kyungsoo’s famous friendship took place.

Kyungsoo was an easy going person, sometimes a bit easily set off but otherwise very laid back. He got along with everyone generally but he wasn’t one to have many friends, or many close friends to say the least. At least that’s how it was during High School. He never got too close because he was a bit awkward and did sometimes scare people off without really meaning to.

But then he met Jongin, and suddenly all of that did not apply anymore.

Because with Jongin it was almost natural, how well they understood each other. How easily they fell into their friendship. How it never got awkward despite both of them being a little clumsy and maybe a bit dense.

How they didn’t even need to speak sometimes in order to understand what the other was thinking.

How they could talk all night about stupid things without it getting boring or weird.

How Jongin would light up like the sun every time he saw Kyungsoo and how in return, something in Kyungsoo’s chest would flutter weirdly. Different from how it should, really, because they were best friends and nothing more.

The others teased them since Jongin was like a toddler; always seeking for comfort and touches and cuddles and he knew he’d always get them from Kyungsoo so they were more often then not seen huddled together in the library, with Kyungsoo reading his books and Jongin dozing off on his shoulder.

And it was weird; because everyone knew Jongin, everyone wanted a piece of him, girls and boys.

But Jongin was so shy and awkward; he was oblivious to all of it and even if he did notice - because Kyungsoo liked to tease him about it - he shrugged it off and went back to curling his body into Kyungsoo’s like it was more important than the subtle smiles and winks sent his way when he walked down the hallway with Kyungsoo at his side.

No one really knew Kyungsoo; he was just the weird dude Jongin always hung out with but he was fine with that. He didn’t like being in the spotlight and Jongin deserved the attention he got. Kyungsoo had the rest of his friends and he had Jongin too, for some reason he couldn’t quite understand. But he was thankful because he liked Jongin a lot; more than he would’ve ever thought when they first met back then.

Sometimes, during those rare moments where they would all come together in one of their stuffy dorms and try to somehow fit in on the floor, the couch and the beds to watch movies together, Jongin would curl up against him as per usual. Jongin always sat with him; never with someone else.

And Kyungsoo in return would curl his arm around Jongin’s shoulder tightly.

Their friends used to tease them about their constant touches and smiles at the beginning but they grew used to it after a few months and instead started giving them weird looks when they didn’t touch or weren’t glued to each other. It was just Jongin and Kyungsoo because where Kyungsoo went, Jongin automatically followed.

One night when they were watching Love Actually even if it was April and nowhere near Christmas, Jongin was sitting between his legs, his back leaned against Kyungsoo’s front comfortably with Kyungsoo’s arms wrapped around Jongin’s stomach; his chin hooked over Jongin’s shoulder. Jongin was playing with their hands, humming softly along to a song that was playing during a scene and Kyungsoo smiled fondly at the sound.

At one part Jongin turned his head; no one but Kyungsoo noticed. But he turned his head, and nuzzled against Kyungsoo’s neck sleepily.

And really, it wasn’t anything new or something that should’ve surprised Kyungsoo; Jongin always did that, even with their other friends. He was just a naturally touchy person and everyone knew that. Most of the time Kyungsoo just pushed him away because he was way too clingy but that night when he felt Jongin so close to him, he felt his heart do something weird in his chest; just like it did when he first met Jongin a year ago.

Because suddenly, he thought he wouldn’t mind kissing Jongin, right now, right there.

And fuck, if that wasn’t so wrong to think.

That night Kyungsoo couldn’t really sleep. All he could think about was Jongin and their friendship. All he could think about was Jongin’s laugh, and his cute habits, and the way his eyes disappeared when he was genuinely happy.

Their friendship wasn’t normal, was it? No boys their age acted the way they did with their best friends.

And he thought; holy shit this can’t be happening. He can’t have feelings for Jongin. Feelings that went way beyond the usual love and affection people were supposed to have for their friends.

After coming to that realization and freaking out about it for the entire night Kyungsoo started denying his feelings. He decided to ignore them; act like they weren’t there.

He pushed it back, back, back until he almost forgot about it. He pushed it back until their last year of college.

Anytime his stomach did a flip when Jongin smiled at him, or his jaw dropped when he watched Jongin dance, or his heart skipped a beat when Jongin hugged him close; he’d just ignore it and push it back.

And it worked. It worked perfectly fine. He didn’t need anything else from Jongin. He really just needed the boy to be his friend; needed Jongin to be with him, safe and happy.

That was all, and that - for once - was not a lie.

„Hey hyung.“ Jongin whispered one night, at the end of their second year in college when he was once again in Kyungsoo’s dorm, sleeping in Kyungsoo’s bed and not where he actually should be; in his shared dorm with Sehun.

„What?“ Kyungsoo mumbled back sleepily, curling his arm a bit tighter around Jongin to pull his lean body a bit closer. He smiled when he felt Jongin snuggle into him.

„You’re never going to leave me, right?“ Jongin asked quietly. „We’re always going to be best friends, right?“

Kyungsoo frowned, despite his eyes being closed. „Where’s that coming from?“ It shouldn’t surprise him, really. Jongin always came up with the weirdest questions when you would least expect it.

Jongin shrugged and huffed out a breath against his neck. „Dunno. I’m just scared of losing you.“

„Jongin.“ Kyungsoo hummed and turned his head, burying his face into Jongin’s hair. „You won’t lose me. I’d never leave you.“

„You’re just saying that so I’ll shut up.“ Jongin mumbled and if Kyungsoo wouldn’t have been so tried, he might’ve noticed the little tremor in his voice, how serious Jongin sounded for some reason he wouldn’t have understood back then.

Kyungsoo sighed and planted a kiss on Jongin’s forehead, ignoring the way his heart clenched painfully in his chest. „I promise, okay? You idiot.“

Jongin laughed and buried his face in Kyungsoo’s shoulder, wrapping a leg around Kyungsoo’s waist too. „Love you, hyung.“

„Love you too.“ Kyungsoo mumbled back, swallowing around the stupid lump in his throat because while those words were so innocent coming from Jongin, for Kyungsoo they held so much more meaning and Jongin would never know.

He couldn’t ever know.

„Hey Jongin!" They were sitting in the library once again when Sehun came rushing in. He made an embarrassed face when the girl on the other end of the table glared at his outburst and he lowered his voice a little. „Hey Kyungsoo hyung."

„Hey Sehun." Kyungsoo smiled up at him before returning to his notes he was trying to work over.

„What’s up?“ Jongin asked when Sehun sat down on the empty chair beside him.

„Guess who just walked up to me in English.“ Sehun was grinning like an idiot and Kyungsoo snorted softly at the stupid look on his face.

„Who?“ Jongin wanted to know. He was leaning against Kyungsoo’s shoulder with his back, sitting sideways on his chair to be able to do so.

„Sujeong!“ He exclaimed in an excited whisper, eyes wide. „Jeong fucking Sujeong!"

Jongin hummed, nodding his head. „Okay. What did she want?“

Sehun smirked. „Someone’s interested in your current dating situation.“

Kyungsoo tried not to freeze at that but it was hard. This wasn’t something he wanted to be hearing at all.

„And she might’ve also asked me for your number.“ Sehun wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

„Oh.“ Jongin mumbled and Kyungsoo desperately tried to focus on his notes but it was hard. God, this was so cruel but maybe Kyungsoo was also just stupid for falling in love with his best friend. Things like this happened often as well; he was used to it. But like Sehun said; this was Jeong Sujeong.

She was only the most beautiful girl on their college. Kyungsoo wasn’t about to deny that when it was the truth. Not only that but she was also smart and really sweet.

Practically perfect for someone like Jongin.

„What the fuck. Oh?“ Sehun smacked Jongin’s arm which made Jongin curse and lean back into Kyungsoo who in return automatically brought and arm up and around Jongin’s chest to shield him from further attacks. „That's all you're going to say? Dude! She’s only the hottest girl on the entire campus! You’re going to ask her out, right?“

Jongin shrugged and his hand covered Kyungsoo’s from where it was curled over his chest protectively. Kyungsoo was still reading through his notes, not looking up, even if his stupid ears were focused on their conversation. „I’m not really looking for a relationship right now. You know, with finals coming up and all…“

Sehun groaned. „Who’s talking about relationships? Dude… You need to get laid and she’s offering herself! Why are you like this?“

Jongin chuckled, low and cute and the way his torso shook felt really nice against Kyungsoo. „Why don’t you ask her out if you’re so into her?“

„Because she’s got her eyes on you. I don’t fucking get why, though.“ Sehun pouted slightly and kept watching Jongin incredulously.

Jongin sighed, bringing Kyungsoo’s hand up to play with his fingers before he started brushing his lips over Kyungsoo’s knuckles; almost like a kiss. Kyungsoo couldn’t help but smile like an idiot from where he was hidden behind Jongin’s back. „I’m not interested. Sorry.“

Sehun looked at him weirdly and shook his head at the way they were once again glued to each other; especially when Jongin turned his head to smirk when he saw how Kyungsoo was smiling, maybe even blushing a bit. „You guys are like an old married couple. How are you not sick of each other yet?“

Jongin shrugged before turning his focus back on his school books. „He’s my favorite person, that’s why.“

Maybe he underestimated just how much he cared about Jongin.

Because one night, they were in Sehun’s and Jongin’s dorm, watching crappy horror movies while it was storming outside.

Kyungsoo was sitting on his own for once since Jongin liked to practice until it got very late at the studio; it was safe to say he didn’t enjoy movie nights without Jongin next to him. It didn’t feel right and Kyungsoo just felt out of place without Jongin’s presence beside him.

Halfway into their second movie Kyungsoo checked his phone and frowned a bit when he saw that it was already well after eleven and Jongin still wasn’t back. Then his eyes flickered over to the window where the rain was splattering against the glass heavily and he saw lightning brightening up the night in flashes.

He tried not to worry; he really did. Jongin always forgot about the time when he was dancing.

But Jongin also was scared of storms.

He sent the boy a message just to ask him if he was okay and when exactly he planned on coming home.

He tried to focus back on the movie after that despite the uncomfortable feeling settling in his stomach, checking his phone every minute for a message or something but nothing came.

It was when the clock nearly showed midnight and the storm only seemed to get worse when he couldn’t quite sit still anymore.

„Sehun?“ He whispered to his right where Sehun was sitting, hiding behind his pillow since the younger didn’t like horror movies.

„What?“ The boy whispered back.

„Did Jongin say when he was going to get back?“ Kyungsoo asked, trying to hide just how worried he was.

Sehun shrugged. „He usually comes back around eleven. Don’t worry it’s only-“ He stopped talking once he looked at his phone, noticing that it was already midnight. „Oh. He must be staying longer tonight. Don’t worry hyung. He’ll be back any minute.“

Kyungsoo nodded, still not feeling convinced. He hated feeling like this but Jongin always did this to him. Why couldn’t he just answer and say that he was okay? It wasn’t too much to ask for, was it?

It was half an hour later when there was still no message from Jongin that Kyungsoo decided to go over to the studio.

„Where are you going?“ Sehun asked.

„It’s already half past midnight and he’s not picking up his phone.“ Kyungsoo huffed, not able to keep the irritation out of his voice.

The movie came to an end and everyone watched Kyungsoo’s little mental breakdown.

„Wha’s going on?“ Baekhyun asked, standing up to stretch.

„Kyungsoo hyung is just worried about Jongin.“ Sehun explained.

„Why? What time is it?“ Jongdae wanted to know and Kyungsoo hated how his eyes widened when he checked the time on his phone. Jongdae looked up and saw the worried look on Kyungsoo’s face. „Soo, there’s no need to worry. He’s not a kid.“

Kyungsoo couldn’t help but glare at him. He knew that Jongin wasn’t a kid and that he was overreacting for a normal friend. Except that he wasn’t just a normal friend. He wondered if they would be more understanding if they knew just how much Jongin meant to him.

„I know. It’s just. He doesn’t like storms and it’s really bad out there…“ He tried to make them understand as he caught the worried look crossing Junmyeon’s eyes now.

„Have you called him?“ Junmyeon asked.

„He’s not picking up. He hasn’t read my messaged either.“

„Kyungsoo, let’s just wait a little longer. No need to freak out, okay? I’m sure he’ll be back any minute.“ Baekhyun tried and Yixing made Kyungsoo sit back down. But he didn’t want to sit down. He wanted to go look for Jongin and scold him for not picking up his phone and staying out so late without telling them anything.

His friends started to chat about the movie and they even fought about it, some of them saying that it was horrible whereas the others liked it and they argued about who was right and who was wrong but Kyungsoo wasn’t listening. He acted like he was; just to hide the fact that he was losing his mind with every passing second.

When the clock showed one a.m Kyungsoo shot Junmyeon a pleading look.

„Try calling him again.“ Junmyeon said and Kyungsoo did but Jongin didn’t pick up; it just went straight to voice mail.

„Why is he such an idiot?“ Chanyeol huffed. „He knows how worried Kyungsoo gets when he pulls this shit.“

„Yeah but it is really bad out there right now.“ Yixing mumbled worriedly from where he was standing by the window.

„Yixing.“ Minseok sighed. „You’re not helping.“

„Sorry Soo.“ Yixing smiled apologetically at him and Kyungsoo just sighed, trying to calm his heart down.

„Do you think we should go look for him?“ Sehun asked and the worry in his voice made everything worse. Sehun wasn’t one to worry about things like this, or at least he didn’t show it. Kyungsoo liked to think that it was only him overreacting since he just.. liked Jongin so much but now the others started to worry too he started to feel slightly sick.

„Are the busses even driving anymore this late?“ Chanyeol asked. „It’s a Tuesday night after all.“

How the hell is Jongin supposed to come when the busses aren’t driving?

Kyungsoo was sitting on the floor, hands curled into fists and trying to stop his leg from shaking. He just wanted Jongin to be here. He was starting to get really scared.

„We could walk there. I mean it’s only about twenty minutes away right?“ Chanyeol then suggested.

„Yeah, by car.“ Sehun huffed.

„I’m going.“ Kyungsoo stood up and was about to walk to the door when it suddenly - finally - opened to reveal the person that was causing such a scene.

Jongin was drenched from head to toe and shivering like mad when he closed the door behind himself.

„Hey.“ He mumbled, his sports bag dropping to the ground. He gave them a confused look when he noticed everyone staring at him. „Why are you all still here?“

There was a collective sigh of relief but Kyungsoo just shook his head before he stepped closer and tugged Jongin closer.

He hugged him tightly and hated how Jongin was shivering in his arms.

„Hyung?“ He sounded worried. „You shouldn’t hug me. I’m all wet.“ Jongin mumbled against his neck.

Kyungsoo pulled back a bit. „Are you okay?" He asked, heart still beating a little too fast for it to be normal.

Jongin nodded and he looked a little confused, as if he couldn't understand why Kyungsoo was overreacting so much. „I’m fine." He tried to look into Kyungsoo's eyes to get the message across.

Kyungsoo let go of him and hated how his eyes were stinging. He was a fucking idiot. Why was he so worked up over this? „Come on.“ He whispered, gripping Jongin’s arm and leading him into the bathroom.

He ignored how his friends were looking at him. It was scary because some of them looked like they knew; like they knew about Kyungsoo’s secret and he refused to think about it.

He turned the bathroom light on and closed the door before he started tugging off Jongin’s clothes.

„I forgot my umbrella.“ Jongin stuttered and lifted his arms so Kyungsoo could pull his jumper off. „And the busses weren’t driving anymore.“

„Idiot.“ Kyungsoo muttered, hoping that Jongin couldn’t hear how his voice was shaking too.

Jongin’s skin was glistening from the water that had soaked through his clothes and his skin was cold to the touch. „Jongin, you’re freezing!“ Kyungsoo scolded him.

„Hyung.“ Jongin mumbled and he sounded a bit guilty. „I’m okay.“

„You’re going to get sick.“ Kyungsoo stood up again and turned around to turn the shower on; warm and nice so Jongin could warm up as quickly as possible. „Why didn’t you pick up your phone?“

„My battery run out.“ Jongin said. „I’m sorry. Were you worried about me?“

Kyungsoo gulped, still turned away from Jongin.

Like he said; he hadn’t really realized just how much he cared about Jongin. He couldn’t even imagine what he would do if something happened to Jongin; if he wouldn’t have Jongin anymore. He didn’t want to think about it; it was so fucking scary because Jongin always was with him, always. Jongin was a part of his life just as much as oxygen was and it might’ve sounded dramatic but to be honest, it was nothing but the truth.

The way he felt tonight, lost and slightly incomplete without Jongin by his side, just was proof of that.

„You don’t like storms. I thought you might be scared, that’s all.“ Kyungsoo said, reaching his hand out so he could test the temperature of the water. It was weird, how his body was reacting to all of this. It wasn’t the first time Jongin pulled a stunt like this; he’d done so many times before, sometimes not even coming back at all and falling asleep in the studio only to have Sehun calling Kyungsoo in the middle of the night and Kyungsoo rushing over to see where the boy was. „You could get pneumonia, you know that, right? That means no dancing for a few weeks.”

He was rambling now but he didn’t care. Jongin had to stop being so careless, had to stop giving Kyungsoo heart attacks whenever he did something stupid.

„Hyung.” Jongin said softly, his fingers circling around Kyungsoo’s wrist to turn him around. Jongin was naked apart from his boxers but Kyungsoo didn’t even care. He already looked a little sick and Kyungsoo just wanted him to feel better. „You’re overreacting a bit… I’m okay. It’s just a little rain.”

„It’s minus degrees outside Jongin. Don’t give me that.” Kyungsoo frowned up at him but Jongin only tugged him closer to his ice cold body, his lean arms wrapping around Kyungsoo’s waist while he leaned down to nuzzle his neck.

„I’m still alive.“

„This isn’t funny.” Kyungsoo sighed but buried his face in Jongin’s shoulder nonetheless. He brought his hands up to rub his palms over Jongin’s clammy skin, felt the boy shiver against him and snuggle even closer.

„You need to stop worrying so much about me.” Jongin whispered into his ear. „Don’t do that to yourself.”

„Can’t help it.” Kyungsoo huffed. Jongin was nosing along his neck and his arms tightened around Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo’s breath hitched because suddenly the air around them seemed to shift, got heavier and Kyungsoo furrowed his eyebrows when he felt Jongin’s lips brush over the sensitive skin on his neck.

„I really didn’t mean to make you worry.“ Jongin whispered and pressed a kiss to the side of Kyungsoo's throat, one that made Kyungsoo's eyelids flutter closed from the feeling it shot to his heart.

„It’s okay.“ Kyungsoo said, blinking from how dizzy he suddenly felt while Jongin looked at him so intensely. „My fault for freaking out.“

„Nah; my fault for being a bad friend.“ Jongin mumbled and Kyungsoo shuddered a little at the vibrations of Jongin’s voice against his neck. It wasn't anything out of the ordinary for them to be touching like this but it felt different tonight; too intimate. At least for Kyungsoo. Jongin probably didn't notice anything (as always); oblivious to everything he was doing to Kyungsoo.

Jongin smiled and his lips still were trembling a bit and Kyungsoo quickly pushed the thought of kissing them to warm him up to the far back of his mind.

„But I kind of like this.“ Jongin mumbled.

„What?“

„Knowing that someone is waiting for me back home.“ Jongin whispered and smiled brighter when Kyungsoo failed to hide his blush. „It’s a nice feeling.“

„Okay.“ Kyungsoo whispered, not knowing what else to say. „Get in the shower."

„Are you coming too?“

„I already took a shower." Kyungsoo replied hastily and watched how Jongin's pretty lips formed an irresistible pout. Kyungsoo liked to think that over the years he had gotten immune to it but... well, not really.

„Okay. but will you sleep with me at least?" Jongin asked, shivering when Kyungsoo rubbed his arms to help him warm up faster. He looked a little hesitant and winced when the sound of thunder broke the noise of water running inside the bathroom.

Kyungsoo smiled, his features softening at his question, and brought a hand up to rub Jongin’s cold cheek. „Sure.“

Jongin turned his head to kiss Kyungsoo’s wrist. „Thank you.“

Jongin clung to him a little more than he usually did that night but Kyungsoo was okay with it. He knew how scared Jongin was of thunderstorms. He even agreed to singing into Jongin’s ear softly to push the sounds of the thunder into the background, humming soft sounds until Jongin went limp in his arms and his breathing evened out.

He agreed to a lot when it came to Jongin, gave in too easily, was too selfless when it was concerning Jongin.

The same applied to losing his heart, he had never consciously agreed to it, but it had happened. And when he looked into Jongin’s sleeping face he thought that he wasn’t ever going to get it back.

Things were like that for a while. Jongin was as clingy as ever and Kyungsoo felt like was slowly running out of sanity because every time Jongin cuddled up next to him and looked at him in a certain way a part of him nearly crumbled inside from how much he wanted.

He did a great job at hiding it. It wasn’t so hard because every time he slipped, like when he’d reach out to stroke Jongin’s cheek in a moment of weakness, no one would really notice because it was just Jongin and Kyungsoo.

It was fine… really. Kyungsoo was determined to keep his stupid, irresponsible feelings locked away for the sake of their friendship. He didn’t care if he couldn’t kiss Jongin or tell him all the things he wanted him to know because everything was better than not having Jongin at all.

Because that’s what would happen if Jongin ever found out about his feelings.

One night though (when they were at Taemin’s apartment, drinking cheap beer and vodka that was way too sweet and sticky) he slipped a bit too much.

They were all drunk; there was weird indie music blasting in the background and Taemin kept promising that the band was popular in America. They were sitting on the floor, some of them out on the balcony smoking, some of them talking, some dozing off, some doing body shots (Baekhyun and Minho).

Jongin was sitting on Kyungsoo’s lap, with Kyungsoo leaned back against the couch, his head resting there with his eyes closed. But Jongin didn’t want him to sleep, he kept nuzzling against his neck and throat, his fingers playing with the hem of Kyungsoo’s shirt. They had a few drinks too much. Way too much.

Kyungsoo felt too warm, dizzy from the alcohol and from Jongin in his lap like this, touching him, making him feel things that were wrong, so wrong but felt so right with liquid courage buzzing in his veins.

„Hyung..“ Jongin whispered against his skin. Kyungsoo tried not to shudder when he felt a pair of lips press against his Adam’s apple.

He’s drunk. His mind repeated words like a mantra until Kyungsoo believed it. „Stop ignoring me.“ The boy whispered into his ear huskily and Kyungsoo shuddered at the vibrations of his voice gliding over his skin.

Kyungsoo leaned his head back up and blinked his eyes open, taking in Jongin’s own hooded ones, the way his lips were glistening as if he’d licked them a moment ago. Fuck… he looked so good. He always did. „I’m not.“ Kyungsoo croaked weakly.

But Jongin shook his head and he shifted in Kyungsoo’s lap, pressing closer with nimble fingers that suddenly dipped underneath his shirt to press against Kyungsoo’s skin on his lower abdomen. „You are.“ Jongin whispered, face too close, breath smelling of the red vodka he had earlier.

Kyungsoo was drunk, otherwise he would’ve questioned all of this, why Jongin was looking at him like this, but Jongin was drunk too and nothing really made sense. Kyungsoo closed his eyes when Jongin pressed even closer, lips brushing against Kyungsoo’s jaw while their crotches pressed together too. His head rolled back at the feeling while his hands tried to push away at Jongin’s hips that were starting to shift against his own dangerously. Kyungsoo was getting worked up, his dick twitched in his pants and Jongin needed to stop right now.

„Stop…“ He sighed, tired and aroused and confused.

„Make me.“ Jongin whispered back, his tongue tracing the contours of his neck and he felt the boy grind down on him when a faint moan slipped through his lips.

„Whoa“ Jongdae suddenly hollered. „Jongin, fuck, stop molesting Kyungsoo for god’s sake.“

And it was the first time in a long while one of their friends made a remark about their constant touches. And Kyungsoo was so, so thankful because finally, Jongin drew back, giving Kyungsoo enough room to realize what the fuck was happening.

„I need to pee.“ Jongin mumbled and climbed off of Kyungsoo’s lap, walking away on wobbly legs before he disappeared behind the corner.

Kyungsoo was panicking slightly but he was also half hard and he really just wanted to go take a cold shower and maybe cry a little because no matter how much he loved Jongin, he wasn’t sure how much longer he could take this kind of torture.

„You two really need to stop pretending like there’s not sexual tension between you. It’s getting weird for us too.“ Taemin snorted from where he was sitting on his bed, taking another gulp from his beer.

„Yeah, the fuck was that?“ Jongdae asked. „Why aren’t you just screwing each other? It’s been almost three years and you’re still dancing around each other like fucking idiots.“

Kyungsoo groaned and rubbed at his eyes. „It’s not like that. Were just friends.“

Everyone around him laughed. „Yeah, and Chanyeol’s dick is bigger than mine.“ Baekhyun snorted, rolling his eyes.

„Hey!“ Chanyeol threw a pillow at him but he was so drunk, the thing hit the beer bottle on the table instead and the glass shattered on the floor.

„Seriously Kyungsoo. Everyone knows you guys like each other; what the fuck are you waiting for?“ Taemin asked and Kyungsoo suddenly felt really, really tired and so fucking sad.

„It’s not like that.“ He croaked, repeating himself again. He brought a hand up to his chest, trying to ease some of the tension there away. „Jongin doesn’t… he doesn’t feel that way.“

It was silent for a moment around him before Junmyeon spoke up too. „But you do?“

Kyungsoo looked up, head spinning for a moment and found that everyone was staring at him. His lips opened up around the words before his drunk mind could think about their aftermath. „Of course I do.“ He huffed, a sad smile forming on his face.

His friends remained silent; no one made a stupid comment about it, or teased him.

When Jongin came back, he didn’t sit on Kyungsoo’s lap but decided to rest his head on it instead. Kyungsoo’s mind was still wrapped around the words he’d just said out loud when Jongin reached up to tug on Kyungsoo’s wrist, bringing it down to his hair and making a soft noise that was supposed to tell Kyungsoo to pet him.

He knew by the sounds Jongin made what the boy wanted. How was that not concerning? How had he never been worried about him being in way to deep in all this Jongin and Kyungsoo mess?

„I’m tired.“ Jongin mumbled quietly and sighed when Kyungsoo rubbed the pads of his fingers over Jongin’s scalp.

„Want me to take you back?“ Kyungsoo asked, holding down a drunk hiccup that threatened to come out. His vision was a bit too blurry and he hated himself already for not stopping after his fifth beer. He was going to have the worst hangover tomorrow.

Jongin nodded and Kyungsoo patted his shoulder so he would get up. He helped Jongin to his feet only to have him sway dangerously, hands reaching out to steady himself on Kyungsoo’s hips. He leaned in again, hiding his face against Kyungsoo’s neck. Kyungsoo felt himself get a little sweaty because his drunk mind didn’t quite understand that this was his best friend and not some random dude feeling him up.

„Hey, don’t fall asleep.“ Kyungsoo tried to push him away but Jongin wouldn’t have it, only snuggled closer with a soft sound.

„You smell so nice.“ Jongin huffed against him. „Never met someone who smells so nice.“

„Well, good luck with him.“ Taemin snorted and Kyungsoo sighed, trying to guide the still clinging Jongin to the door. He didn’t miss the concerned looks he was getting from Jongdae and Junmyeon but he hoped his grimace of a smile was convincing enough that this was okay. That he could handle it.

That he didn’t want to lean down and kiss Jongin’s soft skin until the boy was trembling from it.

„I’m so tired.“ Jongin slurred again, finally letting go of Kyungsoo while the latter was guiding him down the hall to get their jackets. „And… drunk. Really drunk.“

„I know. You can sleep in a minute.“ Kyungsoo helped Jongin slip into his coat and tried to ignore the way Jongin was staring at him while Kyungsoo guided his other arm into the sleeve.

„Kyungsoo.“ Jongin said softly, a little smile on his face.

Kyungsoo refused to look up for a second but he couldn’t deny Jongin anything, he never could, so when he raised his head to look into Jongin’s eyes a part of him just wanted to cry from how affectionately Jongin was staring at him. Because he knew what it meant; it was the younger admiring him for always taking care of him.

It didn’t mean Jongin was in love with him.

It only meant that and no matter how much Kyungsoo wished for it to be enough, tried to push some sense into his stupid head, it never was enough.

It never would be.

Jongin didn’t say anything, just blinked at him in a way that made it really hard not to reach up and tug him down to push their mouths together; especially with alcohol running through his system, making it sound like not such a bad idea.

He pressed his eyes closed, trying to get rid of his thoughts as he zipped Jongin’s coat up, securing the collar so the boy’s neck wouldn’t be exposed since it was cold outside. After slipping into his own coat he grabbed Jongin’s arm and tugged him out of Taemin’s apartment.

It wasn’t far away from their campus, maybe a six minutes walk which Kyungsoo was glad about. He was just as drunk and tired and his face was freezing from the cold.

It seemed like Jongin was already asleep, given how heavy he felt on Kyungsoo’s shoulder he was leaning his weight on. Kyungsoo grunted, slipping his arm around the boy’s waist while he tried to fish out his key card to swipe it through the security system at the entrance of their building.

He was about to lead Jongin to his room but the boy made a soft sound before straightening up a little. „Can I sleep with you?“ He asked, blinking at Kyungsoo with his eyes that were clouded from alcohol.

Kyungsoo thought no. No you can’t. It’s not okay, not when I feel this way about you. Can’t you see?

But he nodded, like he always did with Jongin and started leading him to his shared room with Jongdae. If his roommate would come home at all tonight, he wouldn’t even bat an eye at the two of them sleeping together. Not because he was drunk but more because it was a sight everyone had gotten used to over the years.

Once in his room he sat Jongin down on his bed first before he went into the bathroom where he tugged his shirt off that was smelling too much of smoke. He started brushing his teeth, bracing himself on the sink since he still felt a bit too dizzy when Jongin scuffed inside, coming up behind him where he rested his head on Kyungsoo’s naked back; right between his shoulder blades.

„Can I use your toothbrush?“ Jongin slurred as he stepped closer.

Kyungsoo hummed around the brush in his mouth, automatically leaning into Jongin’s warmth, especially when the boy brought his hands up to place them on Kyungsoo’s stomach. He hooked his chin over Kyungsoo’s shoulder and Kyungsoo saw him staring at his hands that were touching Kyungsoo’s skin through the mirror.

This wasn’t anything new, this was normal. But Kyungsoo felt a little too bold for his own good with alcohol clouding his senses and he was feeling confused, and he was running out of excuses and he was just so fucking in love; it was just quite unfortunate, wasn’t it? That Jongin wouldn’t ever be his in the way Kyungsoo wanted him to be.

Kyungsoo bent down to spit, cleaned the toothbrush for Jongin and wiped the remaining toothpaste on the corners of his mouth away with the back of his hand. When he leaned back up he caught Jongin staring at him and he felt his chest grow heavy with it, how Jongin tilted his head as if he was thinking about something.

His hands moved on his skin, fingers digging into Kyungsoo’s sides just a little bit and it took every ounce of self restraint for Kyungsoo not lean into it.

„Here.“ He croaked, handing Jongin his toothbrush but Jongin had already closed his eyes, practically dozing off on Kyungsoo’s shoulder. „Hey, don’t sleep now.“

„Too tired.“ Jongin slurred. He blinked his eyes open, and it was so endearing, and Kyungsoo felt his heart skip a beat and his eyes started to sting because he felt so much. „You do it for me?“

He gulped around the painful lump in his throat. „Are you serious?“ He tried to sound scolding but it came out broken, but why did he even care? Jongin was drunk; he wouldn’t remember any of this tomorrow either way. Jongin pouted, or tried to and Kyungsoo sighed, giving in like he always did and turned around.

Holding Jongin’s face in place with a hand on his jaw he told him to open his mouth before he reached back to put some toothpaste on the brush. Jongin’s eyes were closed when Kyungsoo started brushing his teeth and Kyungsoo tried to get this over with quickly, but his movements slowed down, and his eyes drifted upwards, landing on Jongin’s closed eyelids.

They looked so soft, everything about Jongin did, and his lips glistened from the water and his cheeks were red from the cold before.

And Kyungsoo just… he wanted so much.

And he wanted to throw the stupid toothbrush away because he didn’t know how he was supposed to go on like this anymore. But he didn’t, he pushed it back, ignored the way his hands were trembling a bit from how much he wanted to press a kiss to those lips.

„Done.“ He said quietly once he was finished; watched the other boy blink sleepily before he gently pushed Kyungsoo aside to wash his mouth.

„Thank you.“ He slurred and smiled dopily and Kyungsoo bit down on his lip hard.

How could someone be so in love without getting anything back? Kyungsoo never thought he’d be this kind of person but here he was. He had changed so much, so fucking much, and everything just because of Jongin.

„Let’s get you out of these clothes. You smell terrible.“ Kyungsoo sighed and gripped the hem of Jongin’s sweater.

Jongin lifted his arms so Kyungsoo could pull it off and after that he stood there like a child, with his hair sticking up into every direction, looking at Kyungsoo as if he was waiting for him to tell him what to do next.

„Come on.“ Kyungsoo gripped Jongin’s bare arm and guided him to his bed. He turned around to go and turn off the lights and when he turned back around Jongin was trying to open the zipper of his jeans but he was struggling with it. Kyungsoo stepped closer and swatted his clumsy hands away, keeping his gaze down as he quickly tugged the zipper down and started to pull of Jongin’s jeans.

He was burning up. Because Jongin’s thighs where right there and Kyungsoo’s hands were trembling, his eyes feeling heavy from how hot he felt from how much he wanted to run his palms over his beautiful skin. Jongin was so beautiful and Kyungsoo was itching to ask for more than he deserved to have.

And Jongin was also drunk, and so was he, and they’d done this countless times before. They were merely best friends and Kyungsoo’s feelings were irrational. He wouldn’t lose his friendship just because he couldn’t control his stupid, stupid feelings.

Once Kyungsoo had kicked off his own jeans he climbed into his bed, lying down on the other side since Jongin liked to sleep close to the wall. As soon as he threw the blankets over them Jongin scooted closer, wrapping his arms around Kyungsoo’s waist to tug him him close.

Kyungsoo tensed up; he could feel Jongin’s warm skin everywhere, could feel their thighs press together, their legs intertwining underneath the covers and Jongin’s arms sliding over his sides, hands brushing over the lower parts of his back.

He could feel all of it and his skin burned, and his mind hurt, and his heart cracked.

It was silent for a while and Kyungsoo was sure that Jongin had fallen asleep when he felt him shift closer. Jongin reached for Kyungsoo’s arm, the one that was resting over Jongin’s hip casually, and he tugged on it until it was draped over him. He placed Kyungsoo’s hand on his back, and then lower, and lower until Kyungsoo’s fingers touched Jongin’s boxer briefs. Kyungsoo’s mind was too busy dealing with his own overwhelming thoughts and feelings; he didn’t understand right away what Jongin was doing.

But he did when Jongin gripped Kyungsoo’s wrist and moved it lower until his palm ran over the swell of his ass.

Kyungsoo jerked his hand back immediately, suddenly sobering up. „What are you doing?“

„Nothing.“ Jongin mumbled but this wasn’t nothing; the way Jongin leaned closer to nose along Kyungsoo’s neck wasn’t. His mouth pressing a wet kiss to Kyungsoo’s Adam’s apple definitely wasn’t nothing.

„Jongin...“ Kyungsoo mumbled, trying to push the boy away a little. „Stop it.“

Jongin whined. „Why?“

„You’re drunk.“

Jongin held on a little tighter, pressed closer and suddenly Kyungsoo felt how the boy’s heart was beating like crazy. „Don’t push me away.“

Kyungsoo shuddered, brushed his hand over Jongin’s side, hoping it would calm him down a little. „I’m not.“

„You are.“ Jongin whispered. He made a weird sound and his fingers dug into Kyungsoo’s skin almost painfully. „You are.“

Kyungsoo pressed his eyes closed, willing the dizziness to go away so he could deal with the situation when he suddenly felt Jongin jerk against him. He looked down and saw that Jongin’s shoulders were shaking. „Jongin?“ He asked, voice laced with concern.

Jongin had never acted so strange before; he’d been drunk countless times but he’d never been like this.

Kyungsoo wondered if something had happened before; something Jongin hadn’t had the time to tell him about yet before they went to the party. Jongin usually got like this when he was upset about something; he was clingier than usual and needier too. 

Jongin suddenly let out a muffled sob and it felt like someone had just stabbed Kyungsoo’s heart. He hated that sound; he had never seen Jongin cry before, let alone sound so desperate like something was hurting him.

„Jongin, why are you crying?“ He wanted to know.

„Hyung.“ Jongin whispered, his voice cracking and Kyungsoo shivered as Jongin’s breath hit his skin in hot puffs. „I’m so lost.“

Kyungsoo was starting to get really concerned now; he placed his hands on Jongin’s shoulders carefully and pushed him back a little so he could see his face.

Jongin had his eyes closed, his eyelashes clumped with tears and his lips quivering from the way he was trying to stop crying. „Hey.. look at me.“ He said softly and waited until Jongin opened his eyes. „What happened?“

But Jongin only shook his head, his face crumbling once again. „I don’t know what to do— I don’t know— Please just tell me what to do.“

„How can I help you?“ Kyungsoo brought a hand up to brush Jongin’s bangs away. Jongin blinked when they threatened to get into his eyes. „Jongin… you’re scaring me.“

Jongin stared at him and  teared up once more and before Kyungsoo could get him to speak he surged forward and all of a sudden, Jongin’s lips were pressed tightly against Kyungsoo’s.

And Kyungsoo just… he froze completely. It took him a few seconds to realize that Jongin was kissing him and it took him a few more to react to it, his limbs tingling from the feeling of Jongin’s soft lips molded against his own.

This was what he had wanted for so long; what he’d thought about every time Jongin smiled at him.

And yet it was so wrong.

Jongin was still clumsily sucking on his lips while his hand once again took a hold of Kyungsoo’s wrist, placing it right back on his boxers, over one clothed cheek and and in any other circumstance Kyungsoo would’ve moaned from how good it felt in his hands but not right now.

Kyungsoo couldn’t move; he felt like this was all some kind of fucked up dream (he’d had some of those and he still couldn’t believe how many times he woke up with sticky boxers and images of Jongin underneath him, like some kind of boy in middle school experiencing wet dreams for the first time) - but this, this was so fucking real and he was still drunk and Jongin was kissing him, was pressing up against him so perfectly he couldn’t quite remember how to say no.

He was already half hard when he felt Jongin’s hand on his cock, squeezing him and tearing a choked off sound from his throat. He tried to pull away because this was getting too far; this was probably the biggest mistakes of their lives but Jongin only gripped him harder, kneaded him until he was fully hard and squirming desperately underneath him.

He moaned helplessly, hips bucking into Jongin’s touch despite his words. „Jongin… we can’t—“

„Don’t“ Jongin breathed against his lips, a whine escaping when he kissed Kyungsoo so tenderly he wanted to cry out in frustration. „Please don’t make me stop.“ Jongin sucked on his lips and Kyungsoo found his own moving back, because Jongin felt so soft against him, his lips so wet and full, slotting between his own perfectly, the lines of his body molding down into Kyungsoo's so easily. He was making soft noises and Kyungsoo started to tremble slightly because this shouldn't feel so right...

And then Jongin started to rub the tip of Kyungsoo’s cock relentlessly, his thumb pressing into the slit through his underwear.

Kyungsoo moaned into Jongin’s neck when he tightened his hold on his cock, pumping him so slowly yet so hard his thighs started to shake while his hands pushed at Jongin’s shoulders weakly. This wasn’t okay; it wasn’t, they needed to stop— but there was so much heat coiling in his stomach, and his spine was arching from the pleasure and Jongin was pumping him so tightly and Kyungsoo just wanted him to go on and finish him off—

Stop you fucking idiot! Stop right now! He’s drunk, you’re drunk, he’s going to hate you forever!

Kyungsoo choked on his own breath and pushed Jongin off with his hands, sitting up and crawling away from the boy who was looking at him with something like hurt in his eyes. They stared at each other, Kyungsoo trying to catch his breath and also trying not to scream out loud from how fucked up everything seemed.

„We can’t do this.“ Kyungsoo croaked, his cock pulsing heavily inside his boxers. He tried to ignore the tent in Jongin’s own briefs, tried to ignore just how much he wanted to press the boy into the mattress, have his hands all over him and make him scream his name— „We’re drunk.“ He gulped heavily, his chest squeezing his heart and it hurt.

Jongin blinked at him like he didn’t understand but Kyungsoo saw how hard he was breathing, how his hands in his lap were shaking and he reached his own hand out when he saw tears welling up in the boy’s eyes.

„Jongin…“ He started, trying to pull him closer but Jongin shook his head and crawled away. He stood up hastily, only to have his knees give in because he was swaying so much on his feet. Kyungsoo followed him, his head hurting from the sudden movement, and wanted to help Jongin stand up but Jongin slapped his hands away, clumsily climbing back to his feet.

It hurt more than it should. Jongin had never rejected his help before.

Kyungsoo sucked in a breath when he saw tear tracks on Jongin’s flushed cheeks before the boy turned his face away from Kyungsoo. „Wait.. Jongin, don’t leave—“

But Jongin was gone the next second, without even picking up his clothes, the door left open, letting some light stream inside the otherwise dark room and Kyungsoo was left alone in the room, the air almost suffocating now that there was nothing but silence.

He couldn’t quite remember ever feeling like this before. Like he’d just made the biggest mistake of his life, and like he wasn’t even able to understand just how massive the aftermath was going to be.

Kyungsoo woke up with the worst headache the next morning. At first, everything seemed fine save for the sick feeling in his stomach.

And then the memories of the night came back one by one; he felt ice cold dread settle deep in his stomach. He wanted to tell himself that it was all just a dream; that none of it actually happened.

He looked for his phone, hoping to see one of Jongin’s stupid messages he always got after a night out when they all were suffering the worst kind of hangovers.

But there was nothing.

He gulped heavily around the lump in his throat.

This didn’t mean anything. Jongin probably was still asleep. It was a Saturday after all, there weren’t any classes and Jongin liked to sleep in, especially when he had been drinking the night before.

He took a long shower and tried to erase images from last night.

It hadn’t been a dream. They kissed. Jongin touched him. They did all of that.

He was scared shitless of seeing Jongin again and that was what scared him most. Because Jongin had always been a source of comfort and safety, but never this.

In the afternoon he went to Baekhyun’s and Junmyeon’s room, trying to distract himself sincere there still hadn’t been any kind of contact with Jongin.

Jongdae was there too and he groaned when Kyungsoo dropped down next to him on the mattress. He let Jongdae rest his head on his shoulder and tried to ignore how his heart never stopped pounding nervously in his chest, how he felt like he could throw up any second and he was pretty sure it wasn’t from the alcohol.

„Soo?“

Kyungsoo jumped at Junmyeon’s voice. „What?“

„I asked you something.“

„Sorry.“ Kyungsoo mumbled but his heart wouldn’t stop fluttering and his voice shook. „What did you say?“

Junmyeon frowned at him a bit. „Did you see Jongin?“

„What?“ Kyungsoo asked a little to hastily, his stomach dropping at the mention of his name.

„Sehun texted me. Seems like Jongin didn’t go back to their room last night.“ He explained, eyes gauging Kyungsoo’s reaction carefully.

„I...“ Kyungsoo gulped. „I don’t know.“

„What happened last night?“ Baekhyun wanted to know, his eyebrows furrowed as he took in Kyungsoo’s state.

Kyungsoo was about to open his mouth to say that nothing happened when the door slammed open and all of their friends started to stream inside; all of them looking equally as bad.

And Kyungsoo felt his heart skip a beat when Jongin trailed inside right after Sehun.

„Jongin!“ Junmyeon exclaimed. „Where were you?“

But Jongin shrugged him off and it took everything in Kyungsoo not to do something stupid, like maybe cry or something, when Jongin didn’t even so much as look at him.

He sat down beside Sehun.

For the first time ever since they had met, Jongin was sitting with someone else and Kyungsoo looked down into his lap while he ignored the prickling behind his eyes. He knew everyone was staring at him and Jongin, knew that Chanyeol was gaping like an idiot but no one asked, especially not after Kyungsoo’s confession last night.

Kyungsoo gulped around the lump in his throat and when he looked up he found that Jongin was already staring at him.

His heart cracked. Because that right there, in Jongin’s eyes, was something he had never seen before. Not even directed at someone else. Kyungsoo felt like he was the worst person alive, because Jongin looked at him like he didn’t know Kyungsoo anymore, like they were strangers or something. He tried to smile despite the pain shooting through his chest, because Jongin always smiled back but Jongin just—

He looked away and closed his eyes on Sehun’s shoulder and Kyungsoo thought that this was it.

He finally did it; he ended their friendship because of his feelings when in reality he didn’t- he didn’t anything.

„Kyungsoo-“ Someone exclaimed when Kyungsoo stood up and turned to leave, voice laced with concern, probably Jongdae.

But Kyungsoo didn’t listen; he wasn’t going to cry. He had never cried because of this so far and he wasn’t about to start right now but he couldn’t handle this. He couldn’t handle being in the same room as Jongin and then have him ignore him. It hurt so fucking much and he just— he needed to get away.

He felt all their eyes on his back; he felt Jongin’s eyes on his back and he could hardly believe this was happening. But it was.

He spent the rest of the weekend hidden away in his bed, trying to sleep the hours away to shut off his thoughts.

Monday came around and Kyungsoo was a walking mess. His hands were shaking and he needed Jongin, he wanted to talk to him, wanted Jongin to smile at him but Jongin wasn’t anywhere.

He had ignored his friends’ worried messages and he felt bad for it but they didn’t understand, and he couldn’t tell them either.

He didn’t see Jongin at all that day and when lunch came around, the boy wasn’t anywhere to be seen either. He would sit at their table usually, right next to Kyungsoo, stealing away his food when Kyungsoo didn’t pay attention.

But he wasn’t and Kyungsoo felt sick to his bones.

Kyungsoo had expected them to talk about it, to say that okay, they were drunk and it had been a mistake.

But he hadn’t expected this.

Jongin’s ignorance felt a lot like rejection to Kyungsoo, even before the latter had the chance to confess his feelings to Jongin. It made it worse, somehow. Knowing that Jongin never was going to feel the same way about him anyways. He’d always known, somehow but to have it confirmed was hard to take in.

It wasn’t just rejection, it also felt like some kind of accusation, like Jongin was sick of him, disgusted, everything that made Kyungsoo want to curl into a ball and hide away until he could forget about all of this.

I'm never going to be sick of Kyungsoo hyung he remembered Jongin saying and he wanted to laugh at the irony of it but he really couldn't.

And what was even worse was the fact that he was losing Jongin because of it. The one thing he had always feared the most was happening and Kyungsoo felt like a helpless bystander to all of it.

„There’s just no way Jongin doesn’t feel the same hyung.“ Sehun said once during lunch but Kyungsoo shook his head, gave him a look that said more than enough. Sehun sighed and kept his mouth shut about the topic after that.

Jongin wasn’t completely gone; he was just out of reach for Kyungsoo.

Whenever they were in the same room, it was like Jongin built some kind of invisible barrier between them, making it impossible for Kyungsoo to approach him.

Kyungsoo didn’t sleep well. He hadn’t talked to Jongin in almost a week and he was going insane. It wasn’t fair. Jongin wasn’t being fair and on Friday, when Jongin sat down beside Chanyeol for lunch, greeting everyone and ignoring Kyungsoo he found himself standing up and walking towards Jongin without thinking.

He could feel everyone’s eyes on him and when he stood there, beside Jongin, who in return kept his gaze down and fixed on his tray like the disgusting food on it was more interesting than Kyungsoo, his best friend.

„Jongin.“ He said, loud and clear and Jongin tensed up, just a bit but Kyungsoo noticed.

He didn’t look up. He continued ignoring him, so blatantly, in front of everyone and Kyungsoo felt his resolve crumble, felt his heart bleed in his chest because he couldn’t take this, not when it was Jongin. Cute Jongin who would always cling to him like he was the best person in the entire world.

„Jongin. Kyungsoo is talking to you.“ Baekhyun said and his voice was laced with anger, his eyes shooting daggers at the boy.

And Jongin looked up, noticing how everyone on their table was staring at him and Kyungsoo saw his Adam’s apple bob right before he turned his head, flickering his eyes up to Kyungsoo’s face.

„What is it?“ He asked and Kyungsoo wished he wouldn’t have done this. The sound of Jongin’s voice, so indifferent, so cold and… bored was something he definitely couldn’t handle.

„Can we talk?“ He asked either way, hoping that his voice came up steady despite his nerves forming something ugly inside his stomach.

„I have a test after lunch. I need to go study.“ Jongin said and then he picked up his tray, with his untouched food, and circled around Kyungsoo to leave the cafeteria.

And Kyungsoo just stood there, staring at the seat Jongin had just been sitting on.

„That fucker.“ He heard Baekhyun curse and he went to sit down again, pushing his tray away since he wasn’t hungry anymore. „Who the fuck does he think he is?“

„Stop.“ Kyungsoo said. He couldn’t believe it. He was still defending Jongin, always defending him. He couldn’t handle anyone talking bad about him, not even now when Jongin was treating him like this.

„No, he’s right.“ Junmyeon suddenly spoke up. „This isn’t okay. He can’t just start ignoring you like this out of the blue. You deserve an explanation.“

„He doesn’t want to talk to me.“ Kyungsoo shrugged, sighing tiredly.

„Kyungsoo.“ Minseok suddenly spoke up. „Last week, after Taemin’s party… did something happen?“

Everyone went silent at the table and Kyungsoo felt his chest constrict once again, thinking about the kiss, the way Jongin had cried, how he’d touched him.

„This has been going on ever since.“ Minseok shrugged carefully. „I’m just asking…“

„Nothing happened.“ Kyungsoo answered, gulping around the lump in his throat.

„Hyung.“ Sehun suddenly spoke up. „Jongin doesn’t have dance practice tonight. Come and talk to him, I’ll make sure he stays in, okay?“^

Kyungsoo was fucking tired. He wanted to sleep and wake up in a world where everything was still okay, where Jongin would greet him with one of his bright smiles and smother him with his warm hugs. He felt his nose prickle but looked up to give them all a weak nod. Even if Jongin didn’t want to talk to him, didn’t want to have anything to do with him, Kyungsoo wasn’t ready to just give up on their friendship. He didn’t want to lose Jongin. He just.. he couldn’t.

He had gotten so used to Jongin being with him; he wasn’t sure how to manage his life with such a big void in it.

So he was going to talk to him and make things right because they were Jongin and Kyungsoo and that couldn’t just be over in the blink of an eye.

Sehun texted him that night.

— he’s not going anywhere, hyung. i’m with yixing hyung so you can have some privacy. good luck!

Kyungsoo shut his phone off and rubbed at his eyes from where he was lying on his bed. He didn’t know if he was ready for this but he also didn’t know how much time he had left to fix what was left of their friendship.

„You going?“ Jongdae asked, looking up from his laptop when Kyungsoo stood up and pulled a hoodie over his head.

He looked up and smiled at his roommate. „Yeah..“

His smile must have been a terrible one because Jongdae sighed deeply. „I hate that fucker for doing this to you. I hope he’s got a good excuse.“

Kyungsoo only nodded before he left the room. He felt jittery when he walked down the hall, wrapped his arms around his body to stop the goosebumps from spreading. He also felt sick to his stomach, not really knowing what to expect. Maybe Jongin wouldn’t even let him in.

He took a deep breath and knocked two times when he reached Jongin’s and Sehun’s room. The wait was horrible, he kept gnawing on his lip so hard that he could feel an ugly metallic taste in his mouth. It hurt but he didn’t care because Jongin wasn’t opening the door.

He knocked again and when Jongin still didn’t answer after a minute he decided to go ahead and open the door himself since he knew the boys never locked it anyways. And it didn’t look like Jongin was going to open it on his own and Kyungsoo wanted to go through with this; he knew he’d chicken out if he just went back now.

He didn’t know what he had expected.

But he—

He certainly didn’t expect Jongin to be nearly naked on his bed.

He didn’t expect a girl to be sitting on top of him, also naked save for her panties, her long brown hair falling over her smooth back and curling around her thin waist while she moved on top of him.

It was Sujeong, he knew it.

He didn’t- he never expected having to watch Jongin kiss someone else. To see his hands gripping another waist, his hips pushing up while the girl made soft noises against him. To see someone else run their hands over his smooth chest and over his biceps, his arms, down to his hands—

But fuck, more than anything, he never expected heart break to feel this horrible. He literally felt his heart stop beating, his stomach dropping, his hands starting to shake while his vision became blurry in a matter of seconds.

A whimper escaped his throat, barely audible but of course Jongin heard because he broke the kiss and propped himself up on his elbows to see who interrupted them. His eyes changed from unfocused to confused and then shocked. „Hyung-“ He started with a flushed face while the girl leaned down on him with an embarrassed sound, trying to cover herself up from Kyungsoo’s eyes.

„I—„ Kyungsoo hated how his voice sounded, so broken. „I’m sorry.“ He croaked out before he embarrassed either of them even more. He turned around quickly, almost bumping into the door from how teary eyed he was before he closed it shut behind himself with a little too much force and rushed back into his own dorm.

Jongdae looked up from his laptop when Kyungsoo barged in and his bored expression fell apart once he saw Kyungsoo’s flushed face and wet eyes. He shot up from his bed. „Soo?“ He asked, hands gripping Kyungsoo’s shoulders worriedly. „What happened?“

„He was busy.“ Kyungsoo mumbled, new tears welling up in his eyes when he thought about Jongin kissing that girl. He couldn’t cry, he couldn’t cry. „I’m so fucking stupid.“ He croaked, shaking his head and bringing his hands up to hide his flushed face.

„Fuck.“ Jongdae mumbled before he brought Kyungsoo into an awkward embrace. Kyungsoo didn’t like being touched, not when it wasn’t Jongin but right now he didn’t mind. „Wait, what do you mean he was busy?“

Kyungsoo made a weird sound, choked up while he was trying so hard not to fall apart right there. He shook his head. „He was with someone.“

„What?“ Jongdae froze a little against him.

„They were kissing.“ He left the part out where Jongin and the girl were doing more than just kissing, seeing as they had been almost naked and he tried not to let out a hurt sob at the thought.

He didn’t even understand why he was so sad. It wasn’t like he ever expected Jongin to have the same feelings for him. But along the way he must’ve forgotten to think about the possibility of Jongin having those feelings for someone else instead.

And it hurt like hell.

„We kissed.“ He suddenly said. He was so tired of being alone, of Jongin leaving him alone with all these confusing thoughts and then… doing this.

Jongdae pulled back and gaped at him, eyes wide. „What?“

„After Taemin’s party. He… He kissed me and now he just…“ Kyungsoo’s face crumbled once again, a mixture between anger and hurt and a deep sadness no one could ever understand without feeling the way Jongin was tearing his heart apart.

„Son of a bitch.“ Jongdae cursed and then he sighed, tugging Kyungsoo close once more. „We’ll… we’ll figure it out. It’ll be okay, Soo.“

Kyungsoo just sighed, brought a hand up to rub at his chest.

It was going to take some time, to wrap his mind around the fact that he had actually lost Jongin.

The girl turned out to be Sujeong after all; Jongin’s new girlfriend and when Sehun told him a few days later, Kyungsoo barely reacted to it, even though everyone on their table had their eyes not so subtly fixed on him, like they were expecting him to burst out in tears or something.

He smiled briefly and turned back to his lunch, munching on it quietly and acting like his chest wasn’t burning a little bit too much.

He hadn’t talked to Jongin ever since the incident and the boy never tried to approach Kyungsoo either.

Kyungsoo wasn’t dumb. He got the message.

Because Jongin and him hadn’t talked for over three weeks and they had never gone this long without each other. Hell, normally they would never go longer than a few hours without seeing or at least texting the other.

But now the only time Kyungsoo would catch a glimpse of Jongin was in the cafeteria, where he now mostly sat together with his girlfriend which Kyungsoo didn’t blame him for.

He’d probably would want to spend his time with the person he loved rather than with a friend who didn’t matter all that much after all.

Of course it hurt. And of course Kyungsoo missed Jongin. After nearly three years of constantly being surrounded by the boy it felt like a part of him was missing. But this was Jongin’s choice, not Kyungsoo’s, and no matter how much Kyungsoo tried to tell himself that he didn’t give a fuck, that Jongin was an asshole he couldn’t.

He was still in love with him; nothing Jongin did could change that.

His friends tried to help him, distract him, and he was thankful for it but really, nothing or rather no one but Jongin could help him but the boy certainly wasn’t interested in the way Kyungsoo was feeling lately.

It got better after a while; once Kyungsoo got used to not having Jongin around anymore. Sure, he still thought about him a lot, still missed him, still felt something lodge in his throat whenever he saw the boy holding hands with his girlfriend. Whenever he thought about that night, Jongin’s words, the kiss.

But it got better and given how busy he was with graduation coming up, weeks rushed by without him really noticing it.

„Hyung.“ Sehun said one night when they were sitting in the library, studying for finals. „You don’t look so good. Do you sleep at all?“

Kyungsoo hummed in response, highlighting the formula to calculate a firm’s EBIT. „I’m just studying a lot.“

Sehun watched him quietly. „Jongin isn’t sleeping well.“ He suddenly said and Kyungsoo flinched a bit, his marker drawing a line over a few passages.

„So?“ He asked as calmly as he could.

Sehun sighed. „I know you care, stop acting like you don’t.“

This made Kyungsoo grit his teeth together. „What do you want me to do?“

„Nothing but…“ Sehun shrugged. „I heard him mumble your name while he was napping yesterday.“

Kyungsoo felt his chest constrict a bit. Everything in him was yearning for Jongin but there wasn’t anything he could do about it, not when Jongin didn’t want to do anything with him anymore.

It’s been more than four months.

„Why are you telling me this, Sehun?“ He asked, bringing a hand up to rub at his eyes.

„I can’t stand seeing you like this. And I know he’s not doing well either hyung. I know it. He misses you just as much.“

„No. If he would, he could always come and talk to me but he doesn’t.“ Kyungsoo started gathering his things, it was almost midnight anyway and after talking about Jongin he wouldn’t be able to focus anymore.

„Hyung..“ Sehun sighed, also collecting his things in order to rush after Kyungsoo. „Jongin’s stubborn, okay? I think things aren’t really great with his girlfriend but he won’t talk to me about it. He only used to talk to you about that stuff.“

„Sehun—“ Kyungsoo groaned.

„Okay, I get it. But look… I’m not saying Jongin isn’t stupid for doing this but he’s just.. he must have his reasons. There’s no one he cares about more than you. You don’t get it… he used to talk about you all the time, all the time. Sometimes it drove me insane how he was so blind to his own feelings… Hyung, you’re Jongin and Kyungsoo. That can’t just be over, right?“

But Jongin and Kyungsoo only existed for so long and now it was just a weird memory. Kyungsoo couldn’t imagine the both of them being like that again, not after this huge cleft Jongin had created between them. Not after that stupid, stupid night.

„I talked to him.“ Sehun said and everyone stopped doing what they were busy with. They were sitting around in Baekhyun’s dorm, watching pointless videos on YouTube or playing Fifa on Chanyeol’s console.

„Jongin?” Baekhyun asked and Sehun nodded, eyes flicking over to Kyungsoo’s form who was still acting like he found the finance sheets on his desk interesting. „What did he say?”

„I asked him what the hell was wrong. Why he... you know, was ignoring Kyungsoo hyung."

He literally could feel all the eyes on him in the room and he knew they were concerned about him but he was starting to get tired of this treatment.

„And he said that, it didn't really make sense because he's so stupid." Sehun sighed and shrugged. „He said he felt like you guys were getting too attached and that you needed some space..."

Kyungsoo tried not to frown, really, but the information made a deep sadness bloom inside his chest. Jongin had always been the one to initiate anything that happened between them, be it sleepovers, the endless cuddles, the nicknames.

Kyungsoo never really did anything to make Jongin feel uncomfortable, or at least that's what he thought.

It hurt, to hear that Jongin seemed to have gotten sick of him. It hurt way more than Kyungsoo would've ever expected, despite his eternal affection for the boy.

„That's weird." Yixing frowned. „They've been like this for three years, who is he to decide that they suddenly need space? Kyungsoo is just as much of a part of Jongin and Kyungsoo like he is."

„Guys…" Kyungsoo sighed and flipped his book shut. „Stop it."

„No, why are you just accepting this Kyungsoo?" Jongdae asked, shaking his head with a deep frown etched into his features. „He can't just do this to you! Not after everything the both of you haven gone through. Everything you've done for him. I never thought Jongin could be this much of an asshole."

„Stop." Kyungsoo said again, hating himself for still feeling this protective over Jongin. He could never listen to anyone talking like this about Jongin and keep his mouth shut. It came naturally, the urge to defend Jongin. „We’re allowed to shut people out without having to explain it."

„Bullshit." Jongdae muttered under his breath.

The topic was dropped and Kyungsoo felt miserable for the rest of the night.

 It was inevitable, really, that they would run into each other at some point.

Kyungsoo was hidden away in a corner of the library most of the time since his friends weren't so keen on studying and were playing video games in their dorm and he couldn't quite focus with all the shouting and cursing.

It was already late; not many students were around who were trying to press all the needed information into their tired minds during last minute study sessions. Kyungsoo was one of them, barely able to keep his eyes open with how tired he was. He was sitting on a one person couch in the economics section; this part of the library was only barely lit, especially with how late it was and how their College turned all the other lights off to save money.

This was the last place he'd ever expect to run into Jongin.

But he guessed he somehow should've seen it coming, since Jongin was taking up some economy classes too.

He was so focused on rereading the same phrases over and over again, since his brain didn't fucking understand the meaning of them, that he didn't notice someone walking into the section where Kyungsoo was sitting. He only noticed the movement from the corner of his eyes once the person was close enough and his eyes flickered up absently to see who it was.

The person had his back turned to Kyungsoo but Kyungsoo knew Jongin like the back of his hand, he'd recognize him with eyes closed.

For a moment he didn't really know what to do.  A part of him wanted to sneak away while Jongin was still busy putting back the books in his hands and the other part wanted to reach out desperately. He hadn't been this close to Jongin for months now.

Kyungsoo knew he didn't deserve this treatment but that wasn't the reason why he decided to approach Jongin. It was the way his chest constricted upon seeing the boy, or how it got slightly harder to breathe seeing him dressed in his favorite black jeans and the grey hoodie they bought together last year when they went to the Christmas Fair.

He gulped once and took a nervous breath before he opened his lips. „Jongin." He said and even though it was quiet and hushed it sounded too loud in the quiet library.

Jongin jumped upon hearing Kyungsoo's voice, the book he'd been holding in his hand falling to the ground from the force of it. He whipped his head around and stared at Kyungsoo, looking like a deer caught in the headlights.

„Kyungsoo." Jongin said, his soft voice laced with surprise and something else. He looked awful. His hair looked like he hadn’t washed it for a while and his eyes were swollen, the way they always were when Jongin didn’t sleep properly. Only taking naps every now and then. Kyungsoo knew that from the countless times they had spent their nights in the library before their exams.

„What are you doing?" Kyungsoo asked carefully. He hated how tired Jongin looked, wanted to scold him for staying up too late practicing but he wasn't sure if he even had that right anymore.

Jongin shifted once, his eyes flickering over Kyungsoo's face before he knelt down to pick up the book and put it back on the shelf. Kyungsoo didn’t expect him to answer at all. He thought Jongin would leave. But he didn’t. „I uh.. just bringing some books back." He said, brushing some of his bangs out of his eyes when he looked up again.

They stared at each other silently and it was the first in a long while Kyungsoo couldn't read Jongin. And Jongin was the first to look away.

„See you around." He suddenly said, starting to turn around to leave and Kyungsoo was fed up with his attitude.

„Wait!" He rushed out, pushing himself off from the chair, watching how Jongin actually stopped walking, his back turned to Kyungsoo. „Look at me."

At first Kyungsoo thought Jongin was going to walk away, it's what he had been doing for the past few months but he wasn't sure if he could've taken it, if Jongin would've ignored him so directly again after the incident in the cafeteria.

He turned around after a moment and if Kyungsoo wouldn't have known better, he would've thought Jongin was scared.

„Can we talk?" Kyungsoo asked, hating how fast his heart was beating. „Or are you still going to ignore my existence?“

Jongin looked at the ground for a moment and Kyungsoo heard the sigh leaving his lips. „Talk about what?" He asked, as if he wasn't aware of everything that was so wrong between them.

"Why are you ignoring me?" Kyungsoo's voice sounded too quiet, too shaky but he couldn't really help it.

„I'm not." Was Jongin's answer to this and when he looked into Kyungsoo's eyes again he saw that Jongin was lying.

Kyungsoo gripped the hem of his sweater to hide the way his fingers were trembling a little. Why was Jongin acting like this? „Jongin. We haven't talked in months." He uttered, confused and tired.

„I've been busy."

"With Sujeong?" Kyungsoo asked without thinking it through, watched how Jongin's cheeks turned read and he could barely handle it. He couldn't handle seeing Jongin like this, getting flustered just from thinking about her. And it made him feel so horrible because he should be happy for him, should be happy that Jongin was so in love but how could be happy if it meant he was losing Jongin along the way?

Jongin didn't answer, he blinked at him a few times and sighed deeply. „I have to go. It’s late and I'm tired.."

„I'm tired too." Kyungsoo mumbled, throat closing up for some reason. It felt like their friendship didn't mean anything to Jongin anymore, not when he wasn't even ready to make an effort and talk things through. „I'm tired of this."

The other boy didn't say anything, watched Kyungsoo with those dark eyes and he looked so innocent that Kyungsoo couldn't even blame him for anything. He was so fucking weak when it came to Jongin. „I'm sorry." Jongin finally said and for the first time tonight he sounded like his Jongin again.

Kyungsoo dared to take a step closer and another one even though Jongin looked like he was ready to bolt any moment. „Did I do something wrong?" He asked. „Because if I did you have to tell me. I can fix it? And I won't do it again I promise." He had wanted to talk Jongin down, to shout at him for being such an asshole but he just couldn’t. He was pathetic. „I just— I really don't want to lose you."

He didn't expect Jongin to react but the boy took a step closer as well and when Kyungsoo looked up he thought he could see pain flashing in Jongin's eyes. His heart nearly bursted inside his chest, having Jongin so close again after such a long time. „You didn't do anything wrong. Don't think that."

„Then why are you doing this?" Kyungsoo reached his hands out carefully, clenching the fabric of Jongin's hoodie between his fingers as he dragged him closer. „Please stop ignoring me, Jongin."

Jongin made a soft sound, distressed and hurt. Kyungsoo knew because he heard him do it endless times, when Kyungsoo used to ignore him in order to focus on his studies. „I'm sorry." He said again.

„Is it— because of the kiss?“ Kyungsoo asked and watched how blankly Jongin stared at him.

„What kiss?“ He asked and Kyungsoo felt his insides crumble a little at how Jongin’s lip twitched right after, because he was lying.

Kyungsoo knew Jongin, fuck, he knew him better than he knew himself.

Jongin was lying, he was choosing not to remember and it hurt more than anything else.

„The kiss.“ Kyungsoo tried to keep his voice steady but it was shaking with repressed anger, disappointment. „You kissed me, after Taemin’s party. And you…“ He stopped, not really daring to speak it out loud. Jongin’s wide eyes said enough, showed just how scared Jongin was of it too.

Jongin shook his head. „I don’t know what you’re talking about.“

„Stop!“ Kyungsoo hissed, felt his eyes sting from frustration. „Don’t fucking lie to me! I know you remember, do you think I’m stupid?!“ Now, now he couldn’t control his anger anymore, he had never lashed out on Jongin like this and it felt suffocating, especially when Jongin winced and shrunk into himself at Kyungsoo’s harsh words.

„I was drunk.“ Jongin said, his voice wavering. He couldn’t quite meet Kyungsoo’s eyes either. „So were you.“

„I wasn’t that drunk.“ Kyungsoo whispered and Jongin’s head shot up at that.

They stared at each other for a moment before Jongin spoke up again. „Did you enjoy it?“ He asked.

„What?“

„If you weren’t that drunk, then why didn’t you stop me?“ Jongin said and Kyungsoo went rigid at his words. What… the fuck was Jongin doing?

„I— I did stop you.“ He said but his voice broke. He couldn’t believe what Jongin was accusing him of. This was all going wrong.

„Did you though?“ Jongin gulped and he looked anxious despite his words. He looked like he didn’t want to say the things that left his mouth and Kyungsoo’s mind was reeling. „I heard you. At Taemin’s. Heard what you said.“

„What?“ There was dread pooling deep in his stomach. Kyungsoo stared at Jongin weakly, probably looking like a scared puppy from how much he needed to look up because of the difference in hight. But this was it. This was the moment Jongin was acknowledging Kyungsoo’s feeling and it was the worst possible scenario that could’ve happened.

„How long have you had those feelings for me?“ The words felt like slaps, like accusations and Kyungsoo was on the verge of crying all of a sudden. Jongin was never supposed to know. He never- „Why didn’t you tell me, hyung? We’ve been sleeping in the same bed for so long, we’ve showered together and you just… do you think that’s fair?“

Kyungsoo kept silent, didn’t know what to say. He felt sick. He felt bile rise in his throat and his stomach tying itself into knots that weighed him down, making him feel even smaller. This wasn’t supposed to happen. This wasn’t right.

„You’ve taken advantage of my affection for you all this time.“ Jongin gulped and his eyes were glistening, his hands twitching at his sides and for one moment Kyungsoo thought Jongin was going to reach out for him but why would he? Why would he was saying these things to Kyungsoo?

„No—“ Kyungsoo croaked weakly.

„No?“

„Jongin, I never… I never fucking touched you unless you wanted me to-“

„And that makes it okay?“ Kyungsoo looked up and Jongin's eyes looked dangerously wet. Was it because he felt betrayed?

Was he… scared of Kyungsoo?

„Jongin.. I would never do that to you. You’ve known me for years I would never fucking hurt you, I could never hurt you in any way. How can you think that of me?“

„What else am I supposed to think? You’ve had your hands all over me while I was asleep, I trusted you like a fool while you probably-“

„Wait!“ Kyungsoo interrupted him harshly, eyes wide and mouth agape while his breath got stuck somewhere between his lungs and his windpipe. He was shaking from Jongin’s words, on the verge of tears but also about to scream out lout because he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. „What the fuck are you implying?“

„What do you think? You’re a grown up guy, how could you possibly hold back when I was all defenseless and half naked for you to-“

His brain short circuited and his fist flew up to punch Jongin across the cheek. Pain shot through his arm and his face crumbled in sorrow, his heart ripping apart from all those words being shot at him, coming from Jongin.

Jongin’s head flew to the side from the force of it and it took him a few seconds until he faced Kyungsoo again and when he did, his eyelashes were wet. „Are we done? I’m tired.“ He mumbled, bringing a hand up to rub at his cheek.

„Fuck you! Fuck you, Jongin, I know you don’t mean those things you’re saying!“ Kyungsoo hissed. „Why the fuck are you doing this? Huh?!“ Jongin sniffled and took a step back and Kyungsoo couldn’t take it any longer, he stepped forward to grip Jongin’s collar and tugged him down a bit. „No… I’m sorry. I'm sorry. I’ll stop. I can stop my feelings but please stop doing this.“ Jongin turned to press their temples together, making Kyungsoo's lips brush Jongin’s reddened cheek like an apology for fucking up their friendship with his feelings. For punching him.

Kyungsoo hit him.

„I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hit you—“

„I deserve it.“ Jongin said, his voice shaking.

"No, you don't-"

"Hyung, trust me, I fucking deserve it."

When Jongin reached out to grip his wrists he thought Kyungso thought he would push him away but Jongin tugged him closer instead. „Can you hug me?“ He asked quietly, pressing closer.

Kyungsoo took a deep breath and wrapped his arms around Jongin’s waist, felt the boy’s chest heaving against his own when Jongin melted into him, leaning down to rest his head on Kyungsoo’s shoulder. „I miss you. We should talk about it, like we always do. Don't do this anymore, please.“ Jongin hugged him tighter and Kyungsoo pressed his eyes closed when he felt his nose prickle with the promise of tears.

Jongin shook his head, pressed a little closer and his shoulders were shaking a bit, just like they did that night. Kyungsoo wanted to hold him together, tell him that everything was fine but it wasn’t because Jongin didn’t allow it.

„I don’t get it.“ Kyungsoo said, taking a shuddering breath when Jongin pressed the softest kiss to his neck. „What makes you do this?“ He asked tiredly, shaking his head against Jongin's shoulder.

"I'm sorry." Jongin whispered again, like a broken record.

"Does our friendship mean nothing to you?" Kyungsoo asked, lips pressed against Jongin's shoulder, feeling dead tired from all of this.

Jongin took a shaky breath. „Of course it does. You know you mean the world to me."

Kyungsoo furrowed his eyebrows, digging his forehead into Jongin's chest like he could make all of this mess go away like that. "You wouldn't do this to me if that was true Jongin.."

„It is true. You're my best friend." Jongin's voice broke and Kyungsoo's heart did too when Jongin made a noise like this was hurting him physically. „My… best friend.“

"Don't leave." Kyungsoo said when he felt how Jongin was starting to pull back, his fingers clinging to his hoodie pathetically like that was going to make Jongin stay. "Jongin, let's just talk please-"

Jongin sighed and it sounded a little shaky. „I have to go.“

And then he let go of Kyungsoo and turned around without even looking back.

Like this wasn’t the last time the both of them were going to talk to each other.

And Kyungsoo sat in the library for hours, not knowing how he was supposed to go on after everything that’s been said and done, after Jongin left this gaping hole in his chest.

Kyungsoo was going to mend it. He just didn’t know how yet.

Months passed and Kyungsoo didn’t talk to Jongin again. He had never felt like this, like a walking corpse but here he was. He hadn’t told his friends about what had happened in the library. Didn’t want to burden them any further with his problems. He tried to deal with it on his own but more often than not Jongdae had to wake him up during the nights, when he’d been trashing around, whimpering.

Saying Jongin’s name.

He knew and he never asked. He ordered pizza and watched stupid TV shows with Kyungsoo until Jongin was nothing but a bitter memory that stung like an open wound every time the name flashed through his mind.

By the time graduation came up, Kyungsoo didn’t even have time to think about Jongin at all. He was just glad that college was finally over.

He just never had imagined for it to be like this. For his graduation pictures to be lacking Jongin’s bright smile.

They went to a party after the ceremony and all his friends were there, save for Jongin.

And it still stung because usually, Jongin would be here, hugging him, never leaving his side.

But that stopped being a thing a long while ago and the thought of Jongin started to hurt less with every passing day.

Kyungsoo got a job as an accountant at an average sized company and things were… okay.

He still met his friends every weekend and it still felt like they were at college despite them being in the adult world now.

Jongin’s name burned on the tip of his tongue every time they met up and there was no sight of the boy each time.

Junmyeon was the one who brought it up three months after graduation. Five months since the last time Kyungsoo had talked to Jongin. „Actually, why does Jongin never come?“

Kyungsoo knew his friends were trying to avoid bringing his name up, for his sake. But he was over it. He really was. Of course he still missed Jongin in his weak moments, when he was in his bed in his empty apartment, asking himself if Jongin would be there with him if things would’ve turned out differently.

If they would cook together and make a mess in the kitchen, if they would both come home from work exhausted and still have their stupid movie nights like they did in college.

They used to talk about how they were going to rent an apartment together after graduation.

Jongin was probably living together with Sujeong now instead.

He missed Jongin a lot, to be comepltely honest. But he was getting better at forgetting about the boy and that was good. It was a start.

Sehun cleared his throat, his eyes flickering over Kyungsoo’s form nervously. „He uhm… he left, actually. On Monday.“

„Left?“ Yixing asked. „Where did he go?“

„London.“ Baekhyun spoke up and Kyungsoo forgot to gulp down the beer in his mouth. He choked a bit and Baekhyun patted his back, trying to help him with a pained look on his face. "London, as in, England?"

Jongin was gone?

„What?“ Chanyeol looked at him with wide eyes. „What the fuck is he doing in London?“

„That fucker left without saying goodbye?“ Jongdae shouted and some people in the bar turn to their table at his outburst. „Is that how much he respects us now?!“

„Hyung, it’s not that.“ Sehun sighed, looking uncomfortable when almost everyone at the table glared at him. Kyungsoo tried really hard not to, but he almost felt bad on Jongin’s behalf. Their friends were starting to get angry at Sehun for standing up for his best friend; that’s how far they had come already. How sad. „He said he couldn’t say goodbye to all of you. Like it would hurt too much or something. I think he was ashamed, too.“ Sehun’s eyes flickered over to Kyungsoo who in return frowned down at the table.

Jongin had left without saying anything. They had been best friends for three years, shared every little detail with the other and now he was gone like Kyungsoo wasn’t even worth that; a little goodbye. Nothing. Fucking nothing and he was on the other side of the globe.

„He’s a fucking brat. He always was.“ Jongdae spat, shaking his head as he chucked his beer down.

„Jongdae. Enough“ Minseok sighed.

„No, not enough! Fuck him. He’s a fucking spoiled brat, I always knew it. Always fucking begging for Kyungsoo’s attention and once he got sick of him he threw him aside like he was nothing but trash.“ Jongdae grunted and rubbed at his eyes, trying to calm down when Minseok gripped his arm to stop him. „I’m sorry Soo.“

Everyone carefully looked at Kyungsoo and he was getting sick of it. Jongdae’s words brought some painful memories back, memories of Jongin laughing and hugging him until he couldn’t breathe and then memories of Jongin passing him in the hallways without even looking his way. He took a deep breath and shook his head. „You guys seriously need to stop acting like I’m going to fall apart every time you mention him.“

It was silent for a moment before Junmyeon cleared his throat. „What is he doing in London then?“ He sounded a bit hurt and Kyungsoo understood. The Jongin he used to know would’ve never done this because he loved their friends. He would’ve never turned his back on them without saying a word.

„There’s a dance company. They got a recommendation from his dance instructor and wanted him.“ Sehun spoke. „He only got the news a week ago… so he didn’t have much time.“

There was an awkward tension in the air; while most of them were angry and maybe a bit hurt about Jongin leaving, Kyungsoo felt his eyes prickle.

Because it was one thing when Jongin was here and openly ignoring him but it was an entirely other thing when Jongin was not here at all; so far away that he couldn’t even talk to Kyungsoo even if he wanted.

Kyungsoo never thought he’d lose Jongin, but it happened.

And he remembers the promise Kyungsoo made to him, that night when Jongin asked him to never leave him and he thinks he’s so stupid, for not noticing how Jongin never made that promise back.

- x -

„Soo?“ Chanyeol’s voice brings him back to reality and Kyungsoo curses quietly when he notices the wetness that has gathered in his eyes while he was busy replaying every moment he’d had with Jongin in his mind. „You there?“

Kyungsoo clears his throat. „Yeah.“

„Are you…“ Chanyeol clears his throat too. „You know, we would understand if you don’t want to come. But we just— we thought it would be good, maybe you guys could talk or something. Make up, you know? I mean, it’s been two years and we just—“

„I’ll come.“ Kyungsoo interrupts him, surprising himself a little too. His heart feels like it’s going to burst, something it had stopped doing after Jongin.

„What?“ Chanyeol sounds surprised and Kyungsoo can tell he’s smiling from the sound of his voice. „What? Wait, what?“

„Stop repeating yourself.“

„What— Sorry… Soo, are you sure? I mean— I think it’s fucking great! It’s going to be amazing, I promise you!“ Chanyeol clears his throat, calming down a little before speaking again. „I’ll send you all the details in a minute; check your mail, okay?“

„Sure.“ Kyungsoo says absently. He tries to wrap his mind around the fact that he’ll be seeing Jongin again soon. And he definitely ignores how his chest feels at the thought.

Chanyeol makes a soft sound, probably having heard the weird undertone in Kyungsoo’s voice. „Soo… I’m sure it’ll be fine. I know shit happened; I was there… We all were there but you— you guys were Jongin and Kyungsoo. You can make up again, don’t you think?“

Kyungsoo nods to himself, trying to remember the sound of Jongin’s voice.

It’s been two years.

He’s over it.

„Yeah.“

- x -