Chapter Text
The prefrontal cortex, the thinking part, controls executive functions, reasoning and problem solving.
The limbic system, the feeling part of the brain where emotions are experienced and when engaged there is less connection to the forebrain, causing one's consciousness of the surroundings to reduce as well.
Amygdala, the survival part of the brain, controls fight or flight instincts, when engaged there is no connection to the forebrain, one could show turbulent behavior in order to flee from danger.
What occurs when a combination of the two possesses the forebrain entirely, driving your actions, thoughts?
Only one thing stays the same, always and in all ways, after your world changes into a fully different reality, when it practically feels you're living someone else's part of the story and you don't know the script, on nights that you know once you open your eyes nothing about your life will be the same, have you looked up then? Not everything will be foreign around you, one thing stays the same and that is the sky, it's reassurance of freedom it's all that embraces you, all that can reach, no hands can, no eyes, no guns can, only the sky.
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The second her consciousness resided back in the world of the wakeful, she searched with her pressed palms to the mattress for a warmth, caressing her fingers gently over the spot where she'd been laying, where she should've been, she wondered why she'd even woken up as she threw her hands to her sides with disappointment and realization, her phone was buzzing nonstop, she reached over to the bedside table and grabbed it, annoyed as she read "mom" on the way too bright screen and pressed the green button on it.
"Hey"
"Hey, did I wake you?"
"Huh? No I'm on my way to college right now."
"Oh okay, you should come over for dinner tonight, Owen is coming too, he's back in the city."
Her heart dropped with the invitation they both knew was a command, on these kinds of nights, she always ended up on her family's bad side, on the other hand, Owen was back , he was her age and she never liked him, he always attended religious ceremonies with his family,which would make her mother get angry since she remembered her own daughter never did, he suggested they say prayers at the dinner table and carried a paper with verses written all over it and when he looked at her, he had this mixture of anger and somber in his eyes, she could never figure out what was the reason behind that look, but at some point in her life, she decided he just didn't like her for not being like the rest of her family, religious, since her aunt gave her the same look for the same reason.
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She eventually got out of bed after an hour of laying awake, judging everyone on her family tree, first thing she brushed since not wanting to risk having to spend non-existent money on dental appointments, put on her years old jeans and camel brown sweater, had biscuits and honey while putting on her converse, afterwards ran out of the door and to the subway to catch the train, it had been a surprisingly cold day regarding that the first two weeks of September had been no less than eighty degrees and she was shivering in her thin sweater the moment she stepped foot out of the train with it's heating system.
To her surprise, she'd missed her first class, arts of radio and TV, which was a big disappointment because to her the class was equal to an extra hour of sleep, and for the reason she walked across campus with clumsy and long steps, tripping on her own foot twice, determined not to lose her next class. She knocked after fully opening the door and locked eyes with the professor who had stopped mid sentence and was staring at her over their glasses as she made her way to an empty chair. They finally took their eyes off her and glanced at the other students as they continued
"and guys don't confuse descriptive grammars with pedagogical or prescriptive grammars."
The class dragged on as she copied everything on the projector screen with messy handwriting and was fully lost in her thoughts until she heard the professor's voice.
"alright, that's all for today, don't forget to email your assignments before next Monday."
People began to put away their notebooks and walk out lazily as she rushed out to go home, needing some 'me time' before the dinner.
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She hadn't always been a serious child, before everything changed, she'd make unfunny jokes and tell them while laughing so hard others couldn't help but join, attempted to befriend every other kid on the playground and had a huge grin on her face in every picture, shamelessly showing off her missing front teeth. Her mom mentioned this change of character from time to time and would say at last that she completely changed, for the worse when she became a teenager, that was one of the few things they agreed on, before the cursed age of thirteen, she never once even thought about questioning her religion, herself, until then she believed in it so strictly that she'd always fascinate adults, untill then she thought the massive crush she had on her classmate was just platonic love and when the image of them kissing came in front of her eyes, which by the way she wasn't imagining herself at all and it just popped up, she'd angrily yell at herself
"ew! She's like a sister to me!" knowing and denying the fact that it was not true.
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The sun was starting to set, she threw herself in the shower and wore the same outfit she did in the morning despite having suffered in the cold the first time and ordered a taxi, she blasted car seat headrest all the way and watched the damp streets from last night's rain go by in a blur.
Mouthing to herself with exaggeration, " ITS AN UNFORGIVING WORLD, SHES NOT AN UNFORGIVING GIRL."
And getting weird looks from the driver for it.
The car stopped and she stepped out, holding her breath intentionally then taking three deep breaths, opening the front door with her key.
They were all sat at the table, in the corner of the living room, next to shelves occupied with books and candles, the family weren't all gathered at the table, her sister was on a trip to Spain or so she said, her aunt had the flu and they had cut ties long before with her uncle, that left her parents, herself and Owen, who'd also gotten a mullet haircut and had less of the religious look the rest of the family did. The dinner was going well so far in her relief, her parents making small talk to Owen, she'd only talk if spoken to, all her family was used to that, the tv was on in order to avoid awkward silence, a reporter on the screen speaking in a calm manner.
"Protests have sparked in Turkye after the government of Recep Tayyip Erdoğan announced that the new law of extreme punishment on those who engage in homosexual behaviors has passed." They said, making air quotes around the word behaviors. Behind them there was a crowd of mostly young people holding pride flags and marching through the street, two men kissing as they walked.
Her dad groaned and searched for the remote with his eyes, Owen violently scraped his spoon on the plate, she looked at her mom without intending to, only to find her eyes already in her, giving her the look she gave no one else, like she was scared but also disgusted and angry maybe? She ripped her eyes away from her mom's and suddenly felt like she needed to throw up, looking up to her mom and to her horror saw her open her mouth.
"Filths" she whispered under her breath,
"These... People are so weak against the devil's temptations, letting lust take over them, disgusting."
This time much louder, her dad shook his head forcefully in agreement as his eyebrows got dangerously close to one another. Now she absolutely needed to throw up, she looked at Owen who held his head low, sniffling quietly, his face hidden from the three pairs of eyes, then he got up abruptly, knocking the chair down and ran to the door, they all sat in shock, following him with their eyes, he stepped out and slammed the door behind him,she froze, it was in that moment that it all clicked for her, a wave of guilt washing over her for hating him all these years, without thinking twice she got over herself and got up as well, before leaving the table she looked at the two adults.
"You really can't keep your hatred for yourself for one night can you?"
Then ran out the door behind him into the cold night, she looked left and right, contemplating which way to go untill she saw the back of his jacket disappearing as he took a turn, she followed him as fast as her legs allowed her, her shoulder occasionally slamming onto strangers, receiving a curse or angry look but she was too occupied to be offended and only ever slowed down once she didn't have an ounce of energy to keep on sprinting, as she jogged on the side walk, looking in each alley she passed, she caught a glimpse of beaten up white Nikes in a dead end beside a trash can, her gaze softened, she turned and stopped right in front of him, wrapping her arms around hirself.
"You run pretty fast you know that?"
"Fuck off." His voice was shaking. She lowered herself and sat on the other side of him and drew her knees to her chest.
"I'm not here to drag you back into that house okay? I know how you feel right now. I really do."
"Yeah you sure would if your life wasn't such a lie." The response came out immediate and harsh, feeling like a cut as it landed on her skin.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Though she knew what it meant, she asked anyway, slightly taken aback.
"You're...like me, you...but you're like them too," He paused turning his head to face her, this time without anger in his brown eyes, "remember our talk the night we went camping? You said the same exact shit they did right now."
"I uh." She searched for words, now being the one caught red handed herself, trying to prove she'd changed, grown.
"But I always knew, even back then that you don't like guys but you just-"
"I'm not twelve and scared anymore." She cut in, "I know, I like girls, there's no denying that."
He looked at her with genuine surprise in his eyes and seemed more hopeful now. "Oh god, I hated you all these years cause I thought you were still in denial and homophobic."
She let out a bitter voice, both a whimper and a laugh, "yeah no I'm not, no idea who the hell that was."
They sat without another word and listened to the crows above their head and the cars passing in the main street, their butts freezing on the cold concrete.
"So... that was all an act?" He looked at her, puzzled by her question.
"You know, the whole going to the ceremonies every week and shit."
" Hm, yeah all an act." He said
"Wow, you're pretty good at it then"
"And you're not" he smiled for the first time that day.
"God I know I'm so obvious, all my act is agreeing when they say something homophobic."
"Haha yeah, but that's somehow even more convincing." She didn't react, she didn't have to, it was true.
"Get up, let's go get something we haven't had dinner yet."
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The lights were dimmed, clothes were scattered on the bed, she looked at her, and she saw all the love in the world in those brown eyes, she reached out to take her hand, instead she felt lips pressing fiercely onto hers before she could react, the kiss lasted longer than expected eventually getting softer, having found a slow rhythm when Julie gently pulled away, she followed her without control, longing for more of her and then pulled back, letting herself be embraced by her arms and she drifted off to sleep faster then she ever had.
She woke up late the day after, she moved her arms around on the mattress for her body but found nothing but a pile of clothes and her phone and closed her eyes in frustration. She was overjoyed by the conversation with Owen last night, they'd ended up in an old diner having stale waffles left in the pan since morning with hot chocolate for dinner, but she had no energy for social interactions despite it, most likely because of the other ones she'd had yesterday, so collage could miss her today, she prescribed herself a Kit Kat bar and nine episodes of pretty little liars for the rest of the day, mentally perparing herself for her mother's call as much as possible.
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"...It should be for women's freedom and rights and address the suffering of women in various aspects of law, religion, custom, and culture, such as misogyny, male violence against women, male rape and assault on women, destructive gender stereotypes against women, etc., and strive to completely eliminate them. Even in the literal sense, feminism (femina + ism) refers to a gender-oriented and feminine group, not an equality movement"
She stopped typing to think about how to phrase the next sentence, the research that was due tomorrow, having picked women's rights as her subject, she had no problem finishing it within two hours, when the she heard several knocks come through the door.
"Ari! You've been gone for like ever" she said as she opened the door.
" Girl I know, my folks were literally holding me hostage." The girl whined, her spiral curls spilled across her round face, hiding her freckles and soft smile.
"Want help with those?" She asked Ares, they both looked down at her hands holding three suitcases, clearly struggling with the extra weight of her books and hair products.
"Totally" she said as she handed her half of her luggage which made her knees bend slightly while carrying them to the room beside hers.
By afternoon they'd unpacked all of Arese's stuff, putting them back in her room and had both passed out from the amount of work in one day.
"I'm heading out, be back at nine! Call me if you need anything." She heard Ares shout, following the creek and thud of the door.
She immediately knew where Ares was going, to the bar by their collage, where you'd meet the gayest, though not always, weirdest most illegal people you could find in the country.
"Okay take care" she shouted back, loud enough for her housemate to hear as she headed towards the stairs, thrilled to go back to her safe place after weeks of being away, she whispered to herself.
"Will do