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For those of you that have never had the pleasure, Supreme Champion, Queen Elizabeth Taurus Lightning (also known as Queenie to those who have a need to get close enough) is a legend in the North Yorkshire Dales.
A large, robust, immaculately turned out girl, a sows’ sow some would say, she is a protected breed of pig from the Large Black family who has carried forward a bloodline that has gone onto win four best in shows and three national awards.
Her own achievements are, of course, unmatched. Seven appearances on The Yorkshire Vet, Springwatch and Countryfile combined and two episodes of Happy Valley. She is considered a veteran of the screen and show ground.
She is, ladies and gentlemen, as the name suggests, a Queen.
A Prima Donna…
A diva…
She’s also, as Audrey Farnon is about to discover, about to cement herself into Skeldales history.
Present Day: New Skeldale Surgery
One of the unforeseen benefits of new surgery, it’d been noted, was the calming influence it has had on all. With more space, more light, and better equipment it appeared all (yes all) the vets, the animals and their owners were happier.
The downside of this ‘calm’ and ‘quiet’ however (Audrey doesn’t like to throw the word ‘quiet’ around lightly either) was that when chaos erupts these days, she isn’t always ready for it.
Like now.
“What on earth is going on?” She mumbled hearing a racket from behind her closed office door. It was mid afternoon, and the clinic wasn’t open for another couple of hours, yet it sounded like a herd of elephants had just stepped foot inside the waiting area.
Rather guilty, Audrey’s first thought turned to her new waiting room floor and she heard herself mutter a word she didn’t like to use at the thought of it being damaged. (In her defence the flooring cost a sizable chunk of money and while she saw it as money well spent, she had no desire to have a rematch with Siegfried over it this soon)
“Not the floor please.” She pleaded, as the sound of a squealing pig filled the air. “What-in-the-.”
The squealing was quickly followed by the unmistakable sound of Tristan’s heavy boots hoofing it down the corridor followed by another crash.
“Tris…?”
“Stayback Mrs H!” Was all she heard in reply as a blur of her brother in law’s blue scrubs hurtled past her now open door. Then seconds later…“Queenie woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!”
“Aye Mrs H - sorry F - stay back!” It was James who shouted a reply this time. Rather than running around in the same manner as Tristan, she noted James was standing on a chair, hands gripping the edges of a red tartan blanket in the exact way a bullfighter would.
Both men were eyeballing a large beautifully coiffed pig who looked far too pleased with herself.
Audrey rolled her eyes at the scene.
Of course it was Queenie. “I might have guessed it was you.” She shouted to the large beast. “Why isn’t she in the pens? We had em’ ‘specially built for this reason alone!” Audrey continued, stating the obvious. The outdoor pens had been one of Siegfried’s better ideas, one which she and Helen had wholeheartedly supported given the nature of their clientele.
“Tris, be careful, she’s moving…”
“Patience Jim. She’s a tricky one!” Tristan threw out in return. “Steady now man, steady…”
“I think she’s gotten bigger,” James said desperately, unable to take his eyes off the beast.
It was the owner that answered this time. “A pure thoroughbred sow that lads.” Audrey huffed at the comment, in all the confusion she hadn’t noticed he was even in the building.
“That’s as maybe, Mr Macleod, but she still better not ruin me new floor.” She replied before watching in horror Queenie scrape her trotters along the floor's surface.
Audrey didn’t like it.
Not one bit.
“It’ll be reet lass, her pins are better looked after than ours.”
“Hmmmm…Where’s Siegfried?” She asked, suddenly wondering why her husband wasn’t involved. This sort of commotion had his name all over it.
Tristan answered as he leapfrogged a bench. “Finding a couple of moving boards. We need them to get her into one of the pens at the back.”
“We do?” Audrey hoped to goodness they weren’t going to involve her in his mess.
“She’s at least a four man job Mrs H, but Tris is right, we are going to need the boards.” James added to reinforce the matter.
It was then - ‘expected’ some might later say - a large crash was heard coming from the direction of the surgery's yard followed by a string of obscenities.
“Thank god we aren’t open for the clinic,” Audrey muttered, recognising her husband's voice as it floated through the open windows. “Apologies for the language Mr Macleod.”
She noted that like her, Queenie’s owner was now standing watching the chaos unfold with a wry smile covering his face as though he had half expected it to go in this manner.
“I’ve heard worse than that love. It’s nay bother. I were on me way back from a telly show she’s in and I thought I’d just pop in to see your fella and have her checked over. I reckon she’s with child.” He added somewhat proudly.
“Well congratulations then.”
“Don’t congratulate me just yet lass,” he said with a shake of his head. “Pleased as I am. It turns her into a right bugger when she’s carrying. Can’t show her or do ‘owt with her, which is why am ‘ere. Knew straight away when she kicked up a fuss during a scene.”
“Right.” Audrey couldn’t blame the animal. No one liked to be poked and pulled when they weren’t feeling themselves, let alone be expected to behave like a movie star. “What was she filming?”
“Some historical thing at Chatsworth that our Mrs likes, women in long dresses, corsets and men in fancy hats.”
It sounded like the type of show Audrey would have to Sky Plus and watch while Siegfried was covering nights. “Nice.”
Mr Macleod shrugged. “Keeps Queenie in the lifestyle she’s become accustomed to.”
“I bet you and Mrs don’t do too badly from it either-.”
“-Siegfried! Have you found them yet? I think she’s getting inpatient!” James suddenly shouted, his voice cutting through the air like a knife. Because she wouldn’t help herself, Audrey followed his line of sight and sighed. The prized sow had somehow managed to squeeze herself between two of the new waiting area benches and was scratching her rump on the new weighing machine.
“SIEGFRIED!”
As if on cue, and very much looking like a dashing handsome hero vet Audrey immediately decided, Siegfried thundered back into the waiting area holding two moving boards. Audrey watched as he scanned the room quickly, his eyes resting firstly on the prize sow giving it a maniacal smile, then herself.
“Hello darling,” he began to say. His expression turned immediately soft and calm as it apparently always did when he looked at her. It was a look that took her breath away even now. And marry that look with a slightly dishevelled Siegfried… well, that vision would always make her go weak at the knees. His hair was ruffled, his beard slightly too long, his shirt hanging out.
Such a handsome, handsome boy.
“Ello love.” She replied with a smile. The wink he threw in her direction immediately had her cheeks burning.
“Can we save that for later?” Tristan eventually snapped while watching the interaction closely. “We have a pig to deal with!”
Audrey laughed and shook her head at the scene. She winked in return at her husband ‘after’ because she could and then nodded towards Queenie. “Best get on with it love. Sort ‘em out.”
The change to Siegfried’s demeanour was almost immediate (Audrey’s own demeanor remained quite breathless for different reasons). “Stay back!” He ordered, throwing one of the moving boards at Tristan. Catching it, Audrey watched Tris position himself behind the board like it was a shield.
Good lord.
“James, we’ll need you to try and lead her out of here-,” Siegfried began to say.
“I’m the bait?”
“…no, yes… just use that blanket to distract her, try to get her to move forward. Taunt her??”
“Taunt????”
Without thinking Audrey laughed at the continued absurdity of the scene before her. “Ole! James!” She quipped, unable to help herself.
“Mrs F!”
“Ole Jim!”
“Be serious my love!” She heard Siegfried shout but she could sense from the tone of his voice that he was laughing too. “We’ll box Queenie in and move with purpose towards this door and out to the pens.”
The events that followed would go down in history at New Skeldale. The story would spread fast across the Dales and beyond. They even made the headlines of the local newspaper “Prize Winning Pregnant Pig causes chaos at new surgery!” A photo of a ruffled Tristan, a bruised James, a resplendent Queenie, and a broken animal pen still adorned the waiting room wall to this day.
“How many in the end?” Audrey enquired a few months later. She pressed pause on the tv remote as her husband climbed into bed next to her.
“Seven. Four boys, three girls. All of them put up a fight like their mother. You’ll be pleased to know Queen Elizabeth Taurus Lightning is doing well.”
“And Mr Macleod and Mrs?”
“Rubbing their hands together, patiently waiting for the cheques to roll in.”
“Don’t be cruel. He paid us for the damage done.”
“He had no choice! That pig wrecked a whole enclosure and put James out of action for a week.”
Audrey playfully shook her head at her husband’s tired protests as he settled back against his pillow and rested his hand on her tummy. Exhausted and happy she then felt him burrow in against her body. He was asleep within seconds and Skeldale was once again quiet and calm…
….Until next time of course.