Work Text:
Arin royally fucked up.
He knows he fucked up, and the fact that the Ninja have been nothing but kind and welcoming since he's come back just makes him feel like he's double fucked up.
He dug the heel of his hand into the soft dough, sighing as half of it stuck to the table. More flour.
He should've known better. Should've known better than to trust Ras, to run off without the Ninja, to lose faith in Lloyd.
There was something about Lloyd, he didn't know what is was, but he made it so easy to believe him, to be inspired by him. Lloyd has a way of making people want to follow him, trust that he's the pillar that both guides them and protects them no matter how far from home they end up. And Arin thought he'd follow him with stars in his eyes to the end of the world. Arin should have followed him to the end of the world.
He doesn't know how his judgement got so clouded to have travelled along with Ras for weeks, to drag Sora into that mess with him and put her at risk of being sacrificed. Everyone had tried to warn him -Frak had tried to stop him, Sora had begged him to stay, Wyldfyre had yelled after him - everyone could see the clear picture but him.
Even when he was with Ras, could see how cruel he was, how quick he was to attack, how willing he was to let people die just to avoid inconvenienceing himself. And Arin- Arin almost became like him. All those times he got annoyed because the Ninja were saving the world instead of tracking his parents -how was that any different to Ras?
Ras and his allies had hunted down Riyu's family and Arin just buddied up with him- First Master, he'd been so stupid.
Arin's eyebrows furrowed as the filling started mixing together in his distraction, trying to separate them into equal halves again, raspberry jam for Lloyd's half, pistachio for Kai's.
If Ras had actually lead Arin to his parents, maybe he would've found it easier to forgive himself, then he would've made a collosal mistake but that mistake would've lead to something so good it cancelled it out, a net positive in the end. But no, he couldn't even get that consolation prize, because Lloyd found his parents in the end.
He didn't know it back then, he wishes he did, but no matter how unreasonable Lloyd's promises seem, he always keeps them. He bribed Jay into staying, he found Arin's parents, he survived the Green Ninja trial despite the Arc Dragon's certainty he'd die. He was more reliable than anyone he'd ever met -a pillar, a hope. As long as Lloyd is fine -and he's somehow always fine -everyone will be fine.
He defied all odds, and he made it look so effortless, like it was what he was born to do, and it is what Lloyd was born to do, he's the Green Ninja. Everything about him screamed 'I'm a hero, I'm the chosen one!'
If he can't help someone he tries harder to be what they need him to be, so selfless, a fighter in a non-stop upwards spiral, evolving again and again and again. There's been so many moments where Arin's doubted him, even Lloyd can't survive that, even Lloyd would need help, but he's been wrong. Lloyd's pulled through everytime. He does the impossible and yet he doesn't have a speck of arrogance in him, never asks people to stop relying to him, accepts the heavy burden like it's weightless.
Lloyd-Lloyd cared. He actually cared, about everyone he's met and even those he hasn't. There were no conditions, no criteria, Lloyd saves everyone he can, manages to save those everyone thinks he can't, because that's who he is. That's what had drawn Arin to him all those years ago, and it's still what he admires the most.
There's a reason the other Ninja trust him so much, why everyone turns to him, the hope he inspires, the soft kindness in his voice, how gentle his eyes are, how safe his presence is and how powerful his element is -how strong he is. Arin knows, now more than ever, that Lloyd was the person he'd look up to forever.
So Arin doesn't understand how he could have been stupid enough to leave him.
"Ow!" Arin slammed the oven door and shot to the sink, running cold water over his stinging finger. He's too distracted, he'll burn the pie and the rest of his hand at this rate.
He doesn't have power, he wasn't loyal and his spinjitzu is corrupted. The only thing he has are these pies, the recipes he's perfected over years. He can't mess that up too, can't become useless -or worse, a stain, a burden on the Ninja team, the one that they have to clean up after and look out for. The one they took in even after Arin had all but spat in their face.
They shouldn't forgive him. They should just kick him out now, he's a liability-
"Arin," the kind voice, the gentle tone, speaking so softly it almost didn't startle him. He still doesn't get how the Ninja move through echoing halls and open creaky doors in complete silence. "there's some sushi left if you're hungry?"
Right. He'd been so intent on avoiding Lloyd he completely missed dinner, and that probably brought attention on him, and now Lloyd's here to check up on him even though Arin had been so mean to him, even though he's busy with a thousand other responsibilities and ugh! It's just what Arin wanted to avoid.
"Um," bitten nails gripped at the edge of his orange gi, stretching it a bit before starting on the dishes, trying desperately not to look at Lloyd without setting off alarm bells. "Thanks! I'll, um, get some later."
"You didn't eat much at lunch either, are you feeling okay?"
"Yep! All good!" Shit. If he hadn't given it away earlier, he's definitely given it away now with what was possibly the worst performance of his life.
It wasn't even a lie. He was okay, there were no injuries, no illnesses, just- just shame.
Shame that weighed him down so heavily he struggled to leave the quiet safety of his room, that pushed his head down whenever he tried to even look at Lloyd, the acid that burned his throat whenever he tried to speak. Now that his parents weren't in the Monastery anymore he couldn't use his joy to drown out the shame.
He hasn't been able to look Lloyd in the eyes, afraid that when he finally does the warmth swimming in there would have dissipated, the comforting green turned icy.
"Alright. I'll be up for a few more hours, have to go through a couple of scrolls, then I think I'll try spray heatwave with a hose."
Arin recognised the underlying offer, and the budding hope weakened his knees. Even after everything Arin did, how badly he'd fucked up, Lloyd was still willing to sit and listen to him, as kind and comforting as he'd always been. It shouldn't surprise him. He's already known Lloyd was endlessly patient, kindness imprinted on every action he took and wrapping every word he said.
Lloyd was so good that no matter how much Arin's ugliness spilled out, he'd easily overshadow it. Arin might've changed, might've twisted himself and darkened his heart, but Lloyd hadn't. Lloyd was still good, still willing to save him. Lloyd helped those who didn't deserve it, and Arin knows he doesn't deserve anymore of Lloyd's kindness, knows he'll mess it up eventually, but for now- for now he thinks he'll take the offer.
"We could have dessert first?"
Arin took a chance, turning his head to the side to see and - Lloyd's eyes were still kind, his smile was still warm, voice still gentle as he agreed.
"That sounds nice."