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Yuuri loves Victor but it’s not like, a gay thing.
He said as much during his program theme reveal on television.
--
There’s a knock on Yuuri’s door and he hears Victor call, “Yuuri, can I sleep in your room?”
It’s not the first time he’s asked, but for the first time Yuuri invites him in, and Victor walks through the door, grinning and holding a pillow.
“Yuuri! I’m so glad you want to spend time with your coach.”
Yuuri laughs and shuffles over to one side of his bed, and pats the other in invitation.
Victor returns his laugh, and clumsily lies down on the bed. Yuuri can smell the beer on his breath, and wrinkles up his nose as Victor climbs under the covers.
“You’re drunk,” says Yuuri.
“I am,” replies Victor, and laughs again. He nestles forward, eyes fixed on Yuuri, who holds his gaze. “Tell me something about yourself.”
Yuuri laughs, again. He can’t help it. Victor’s asked him the same question a hundred times, but he still asks. Yuuri’s running out of answers because Victor already knows everything about him. “I don’t know.”
Victor is unperturbed. “Tell me a secret. Tell me something you’ve never told me.”
There’s nothing, Yuri thinks. But then he remembers.
“There is one thing,” says Yuuri, and Victor looks pleased. Yuuri props himself up and leans over Victor, reaching down to pull a box out from under his bed. Victor puts a hand on his waist as he leans over, and Yuuri leans into his touch.
Yuuri frowns. “This is a little embarrassing.”
“It’s okay,” says Victor, “I want to know all the embarrassing things about you, too.”
Yuuri smiles, and tentatively opens the box to reveal a picture of Victor, arms above his head and back arched in a spin.
“Oh, it’s me!”
“I used to have these up on my wall,” says Yuuri, as they leaf through poster after poster of Victor in his youth. “All the walls were covered in pictures of you.”
“When you were a child?”
“Yes,” says Yuuri hesitantly. He’s not sure whether to continue, but Victor’s expression urges him on. “Um, actually, I only took them down when you arrived in Hasetsu.”
Victor looks at him in disbelief, then bursts into laughter. Yuuri smiles back, embarrassed, and Victor pulls him back down to lie next to him.
“I’m glad you shared this with me,” says Victor, and he puts a hand on Yuri’s face, stroking his jaw with his fingers.
“I’m glad too,” says Yuuri. Victor’s face is close, and his fingers make his skin tingle. Victor continues to stroke his cheek, then runs a finger across Yuuri’s lip. Yuuri lets him touch him, and looks into his eyes, feeling all the sensations and hyper aware of his heart thumping in his chest.
“Do you love me?” asks Victor.
“Yeah,” says Yuuri. “I love you, coach.”
“I love you too, Yuuri,” says Victor, and kisses him on the mouth.
--
Yuuri loves Victor, but it isn’t romantic love. It isn’t lust. It’s beyond that. Victor is his coach, and he is Victor. Yuuri doesn’t need a name for their relationship, because Victor is Victor and his feelings are deeper than words.
This is what Yuuri tells himself.
--
On another night, Yuuri has both Victor and Makkachin in his bed. The dog had got there first.
“I can’t sleep without Makkachin!” Victor had protested; that’s his excuse for tonight. Yuuri knows it’s a lie but lets it slide. He wants the company.
Yuuri is lying between the two of them, warm bodies pressing into him on both sides. Victor is stroking Yuuri’s hair with one hand and reaching underneath him to Makkachin with the other.
“It’s like I have two pets,” says Victor, and Yuuri chuckles.
Yuuri reaches out to Victor’s chest, lightly stroking it. He remembers doing the same thing to his dog Victor’s fur, and the way it felt under his fingertips. He always liked being scratched on the belly, so Yuuri applies pressure and starts to use his nails.
Human Victor smiles, and inches closer. He runs a finger across Yuri’s lips then gently eases the tip into his mouth. Yuuri licks it.
“Suck,” says Victor, and Yuuri does. Victor moves his finger in and out a couple times, then starts to trace Yuuri’s teeth. Yuuri keeps sucking and licking, smiling playfully as Victor returns his expression. Victor adds another finger and pushes deeper into his mouth, pressing down on his tongue. Yuuri sucks on them, hard, and is suddenly conscious of his own erection.
“What’s wrong?” asks Victor.
“Nothing,” replies Yuuri, face feeling hot. Everything feels hot.
Victor kisses him, tongue driving into his mouth. Yuuri kisses back, but tries not to think about the tightness in his groin.
“You’re so cute,” says Victor. “You’re the cutest pork cutlet.”
Yuuri groans.
Victor continues to kiss him, placing both hands on Yuuri’s torso and shifting even closer. Yuuri feels his thighs part and one of Victor’s slide between them, coming to a rest pressed up against his crotch.
“The tastiest pork cutlet,” Victor mumbles, before firmly grabbing hold of Yuuri’s erection.
Yuuri gasps as Victor starts to pump up and down, first through his sweats and then skin to skin. He pants and wheezes, holding Victor close and kissing him, nuzzling him, and kissing him again until it’s too much and he ejaculates all over Victor’s t-shirt.
Yuuri lies still for a moment, until his breathing starts to slow, then realizes Victor is touching himself. He grabs Yuuri tighter, fingers digging into his back, then his breath hitches and Yuuri can feel a dampness on his stomach.
Victor takes a few deep breaths, then open his eyes. Yuuri looks back, and smiles. Makkachin rolls over in his sleep.
--
Victor and Yuuri fly to Tokyo for a charity show. It’s an exhibition to raise money for homeless children and a chance for Yuuri to raise his profile at an international event. Good PR, says Victor.
They arrive at the hotel and Victor’s booked them a twin room. Our room, thinks Yuuri. One room that we both sleep in. He plays with the words over and over in his head. It feels wrong, and he likes it.
Yuri Plisetsky and Phichit are there, for the same reason Yuuri is. Yuri is hesitantly friendly, and Phichit greets him with a huge smile. They catch up for breakfast the day after the show, four hours before Phichit is due to fly out.
“I think it’s really nice that you and Victor are together,” says Phichit, sipping coffee.
Yuuri smiles. “We’re always together, he really is the best coach I could have asked for.”
Phichit looks awkward for a moment, then smiles tightly. “I mean, I think it’s great you guys are dating.”
Yuuri freezes. Where did he get that idea?
“We’re not,” Yuuri says bluntly.
--
Yuuri loves Victor but it’s not a gay thing. Really.
He explained that on television.
He’s not gay.
He’s had a crush on Yuko since he was ten.
He kissed one girl in college.
Victor is his coach and their love is so deep it cannot be expressed in words.
Victor touches him but that’s because they love each other.
Yuuri is so angry he skips dinner to go running.
--
Yuuri lies in bed that night, thinking about Phichit’s error.
“Where are you pet?” calls Victor, words slightly slurred.
“In my room,” yells Yuuri. “Come in.”
As Victor walks in and flops down onto the bed, Yuuri bitterly reminds himself that Victor never comes when he’s sober. Pun intended, ha ha ha.
Victor grabs Yuuri’s hand, then starts to trace the hem of his t-shirt.
“Don’t,” says Yuuri suddenly.
Victor looks taken aback. Yuuri has never rejected him when they’re together like this.
“Yuuri, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” says Yuuri. Everything, he thinks.
“Yuuri?” Victor lets the silence hang in the air.
Yuuri can’t look at him. He doesn’t want to be anywhere near him, but he doesn’t want to move away. He loves Victor but not like that, and he doesn’t understand why other people don’t get it. He wonders if Victor gets it, and suddenly feels sick.
“Phichit thinks we’re…together,” he finally says.
“Together, like a couple?” asks Victor.
“Yeah,” says Yuuri, mouth tasting vile.
Victor looks at him for a few moments, expression unreadable. “Does that bother you?” he finally asks.
Yes, screams Yuuri inside his head. It will ruin my career, it will disappoint my family, everyone will give us looks, the media will talk about us. I won’t be a figure skater, thinks Yuuri, I’ll be a gay figure skater.
“Yuuri?”
“Yes,” says Yuuri harshly. “Yes, it bothers me.”
Victor sighs. There’s an awkward silence. “Are you ashamed of me?” he finally asks.
“No!” says Yuuri, more forcefully than intended. “You’re my coach, you’re my idol, and…” He doesn't know what else to say.
“Then why don’t you like people thinking that we’re a couple?”
“Because it’s gross,” says Yuuri, and immediately regrets it.
Victor looks like he’s been kicked. Like Yuuri has just lost the Grand Prix and bombed out of the season all over again.
“I don’t think it’s gross,” says Victor, quietly.
Yuuri is horrified with himself. He’s angry at Phichit, angry at himself, angry at the world, and now he’s hurt the one person he never wanted to. The one person who makes him whole and gave him his confidence. The one person he’s always admired and always loved and always wanted to be close to.
“I’m sorry,” says Yuuri. “I think you should sleep in your own room tonight.”
Victor gets up and leaves.
--
“Is Victor okay?” asks Mari a few days later.
“Fine,” says Yuuri.
His sister looks at him suspiciously. She can always tell when he’s lying.
“He seems down, that’s all,” she says. “Did you have a fight or something?”
“Kind of,” admits Yuuri, flushing.
“I’m sure you can work it out,” says Mari, patting Yuuri on the back. “You don’t find guys like that every day, so hang onto him.”
It’s not until later in the day Yuuri realizes what she had implied.
--
Two weeks later they’re still sleeping separately. Yuri’s mother has now asked him why they’re fighting, and told him that she’s very happy Victor is here and thinks he’s a good man, so Yuuri please talk to him. After all, aren’t you connected by feelings of love?
Yuuri is so embarrassed he can’t make eye contact with her for some time afterwards.
--
“Yuuri, please talk to me.” Victor is knocking on his door again.
“Go away!” yells Yuuri. He can deal with him at the rink, but he can’t face him at home, especially not in his room. Phichit knows, Yuuri’s family knows, probably everyone knows. Everyone is probably talking about them behind his back. Laughing at them. Yuuri can’t stand to think about it.
--
Yuuri gives into temptation and googles himself.
The first headline reads Figure Skater Yuuri Katsuki Comes Out In Program Reveal.
Yuuri stares at it in disbelief. Then clicks. Then reads another. There’s article after article about his program theme, and how it reflects his relationship with Victor Nikiforov. How it’s scandalous, and how it’s brave, and how an openly gay skater will change the face of Japanese figure skating.
He keeps reading. There’s been a huge Twitter fight involving Yuri Plisetsky, who’s in trouble for sending rude tweets to journalists making homophobic comments.
There’s a thinkpiece using him as an example of changing gender norms.
Someone from his junior high school was interviewed by the media, and has revealed Yuuri used to have a dog named Victor.
There’s a gossip column about him and Victor breaking up, and another one about their secret wedding.
Yuuri has to stop reading at that point.
--
Yuuri knocks on the door to Victor’s room. It’s been weeks since Yuuri was last in there.
“Victor? It’s me. Can I come in?”
The silence seems to stretch out forever. Yuuri knows Victor is in there, but his stomach is tying in knots and the more cowardly parts of him hope that Victor won’t answer.
The door opens, Victor standing in the entrance. He regards Yuuri coolly, but steps out of the way to let Yuuri into the room.
Yuuri waits for Victor to close the door before speaking.
“Victor, I’m sorry.” The words are hard. They are some of the hardest words Yuuri has ever uttered in his life. “I’m sorry I said it’s gross if people think we’re a couple. I don’t really think that. Or I did, but only because I was scared.”
Victor looks at him, expression blank, then breaks into a smile. “Great!”
“No, it’s not great,” says Yuuri. “It was stupid, and childish, and I freaked out because I thought people would talk about us.”
Victor smiles ruefully. “People always talk.”
“Yeah, but…” Yuuri trails off, pausing to think. “But I thought everyone would hate me.”
“Nobody hates you,” says Victor. “Well, some people might, but just don’t pay attention to them. I thought you were famous enough to know that.”
Yuuri stares back at him, momentarily stunned.
“You know what I mean,” says Victor, shrugging.
Yuuri takes a deep breath. “Anyway, I came to ask…if, actually, you would like to be my boyfriend, as well as my coach.”
“Yes,” Victor replies immediately.
“But there’s one condition,” says Yuuri.
“Only one?” laughs Victor, but sobers when he sees Yuuri’s expression.
“I want you to come spent the night with me sometimes without drinking.”
Victor suddenly looks awkward.
“I feel,” says Yuuri, and it’s so hard to say the words, but he presses on, he can do it. “I feel like you only want me when you’ve been drinking, and that makes me feel really insecure.”
Victor looks sad. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize.”
“That’s why I’m telling you now.” Yuuri’s throat is dry, but he feels like so much weight has been lifted off his chest. Victor is smiling at him, and Yuuri feels like he’s just scored a personal best and his dog Victor has come back to life and his mom has cooked pork cutlets.
“I love you,” says Yuuri, and he means it in a romantic way.