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joshua squints at his reflection through the glare in the mirror, taking in every little detail of his appearance.
the sun's shining too bright outside that it makes him wince, the throbbing in his temples making him feel more nauseous than ever.
he walks over to the floor-to-ceiling windows facing the sea to shut the curtains halfway, allowing just enough light into the room.
joshua's checked into one of the premier suites in the hotel, offering a panoramic view of the dazzling blue sea of busan—a sight he usually watches with fondness—yet on this godforsaken day, it just looks like a never-ending void that's ready to swallow him whole.
before the thought consumes him, he turns back, scanning the room idly. it has more than enough space for him to get ready, and everything he needs is all spread out before him—gold jewelry, cuff links, perfume bottles, and even the boutonnière.
his fingers linger on the gold chaumet earrings, glinting so beautifully in the light. joshua swaps his usual silver hoops for the elegant pieces, deftly removing his helix piercing (that feels almost like a part of him now, not just an accessory) despite his initial reluctance.
just this once.
he glances out the window, his gaze landing on the arbour standing out on the white-sand beach below. the greenery and flowers adorning it sway slightly in the gusts of wind, holding their own against the distance.
he and minghao had spent days building it from scratch, initially disagreeing on the type of flowers to include in the arrangement—something that won't easily wilt once temperature changes significantly.
they could have just had it made, sure, but it's one of the things they wanted to work on together to make sure they'd perfectly achieve their shared vision.
a beach wedding had sounded so dreamy at first—something his 16-year-old self had romanticized so much in his head to no end. but in reality, there's so much that could go wrong in an outdoor venue for a wedding this grand. joshua had learned that the hard way as he spent the last few months working on it, obsessing over every minor detail to make sure the event would be perfect.
yet, despite his repeated warnings about unpredictable april weather, it felt like he was never heard at all.
there's no backing out now, though—not when the wedding's in a few hours and the preparation's in full swing. they've all spent so much time and effort in making this dream wedding come to life to even plan on holding off.
sighing, joshua returns to his spot in front of the mirror. he tries his best not to nitpick his appearance, but he just can't help himself.
the mirror is plainly unforgiving, highlighting everything unflattering and every imperfection he has on his skin. he can't help but zero in on his eyes, which look puffier than usual, the bags underneath them appearing darker.
but that, at least, is nothing good makeup can't fix—unlike the persistent hollowness sitting between his ribs, so intense that it knocks the air out of his lungs. if there's just some kind of quick fix for it, joshua wouldn't hesitate to take it.
but there isn't.
so for now, he has to suck it up.
he forces himself to smooth the lapels of his midnight black blazer and adjust the tie sitting atop his chest, making sure not one bit of his outfit is out of place. he has to look perfect for this special day, even if he feels the opposite deep down.
all he needs to do is show up and put on his best smile.
his thoughts get interrupted by the soft click of the wooden door, followed by light, familiar footsteps.
joshua doesn't bat an eyelash nor looks back. he can recognize that rhythm of footsteps even from miles away.
even with his eyes closed.
instead, he continues adjusting his blazer, then turns to open the drawer of the dresser to start on his makeup.
"shua-yah," the voice from behind him calls out. so soft that it sounds like a whisper.
joshua stills in his spot, meeting the man's gaze through the reflection in the mirror.
big, brown eyes find his. there's a deep tinge of sadness behind them, but joshua can't afford to acknowledge it right now.
he has a wedding to get ready for, yet the last person he expects to see is right there in front of him—drowning all of joshua's senses by his mere presence.
jeonghan doesn't look any better than he does. he didn't even bother to dress for the occasion, turning up in an oversized flannel left half-unbuttoned and a pair of distressed jeans, his blond hair unkempt.
nothing else screams i don't give a fuck quite like his outfit.
it's a little too casual for the event, but then again, nobody really cares even if you turn up at a korean wedding in pajamas. no one in the crowd would give so much as a second glance.
"what are you doing here?" joshua manages to ask despite the slight tremble in his voice, turning to the man properly.
jeonghan offers a smile, one that doesn't quite reach his eyes. it's almost eerie.
silence falls between them.
when joshua doesn't get an immediate response, he opens his mouth to try again, but jeonghan finally makes a move, closing the gap between them—so close that joshua catches a whiff of the sharp scent of alcohol on him.
isn't that a little early for this time of the day?
before joshua can even get a word out again, jeonghan's fingers find his chin, tilting his head up so their eyes meet. joshua wants to look away, prevent jeonghan from seeing through him, but the raw sadness in his face unsettles him.
if only he's a little braver, maybe they both won't be this miserable.
he hates himself for it, but joshua allows himself to be held, leaning into jeonghan's touch.
one last time.
it's as if jeonghan's gaze has frozen him in place, even if every fiber of his being wanted him to run away. his hands find purchase on the dresser behind him—knuckles nearly white from how hard he's gripping the edge to anchor himself.
"jeonghan-ah.. please." joshua's voice cracks as he pleads."don't."
"why?" jeonghan further pushes himself into his space, thumb brushing over joshua's lower lip. he stares at his mouth—pink, supple, and it's everything good in the world—and jeonghan can't stop thinking about the way they feel wrapped around him. "can't i see my best friend one last time?"
"please…" joshua chokes out as jeonghan leans in, breath hot on his neck, pressing a gentle kiss to the underside of his jaw.
the contact further roots joshua to the spot, making no effort to pull away as jeonghan's lips trail lower and lower to his collarbone, teeth scraping lightly against the thin skin to mark his territory.
"don't make it harder for both of us." joshua whispers, and it's the saddest request jeonghan's ever heard.
tears start to prickle the corner of joshua's eyes, and though he blinks hard in an attempt to restrain himself, hot tears stream down his face.
jeonghan's mouth continues its descent, mapping the curve of joshua's neck with firm, possessive kisses—like he's committing every inch of joshua's skin into his memory—completely oblivious to the younger's tears until he tastes salt on his tongue.
shit.
joshua's always been a pretty crier, but seeing him like this makes jeonghan falter.
he slows down for a second, pulling back to wipe away the younger's tears, tenderly brushing his thumb against his damp cheek. jeonghan looks deeply into his eyes, searching for any sign of hesitation, and joshua just nods.
without a word, jeonghan understands, taking it as his cue.
he presses a kiss just below joshua's ear and licks a stripe over the mole where he's most sensitive.
a surge of guilt thrums in jeonghan's chest, making itself known, but he swallows it all down.
call him selfish all you want, but if it's jeonghan's last chance to have joshua like this in this lifetime, then he'll fucking take it.
the action elicits a broken, needy moan from joshua.
and if that's anything to go by, jeonghan knows he's doing a good job unraveling him completely.
"jeonghan-ah—" joshua whimpers, winding his arms around jeonghan's shoulders for support. he's completely melted into jeonghan now, eyes closed, breathing shallow, as though jeonghan's kisses have paralyzed him thoroughly, painting a perfect picture of complete surrender.
jeonghan keeps joshua occupied with the warm press of his mouth all while he undresses the younger—slowly, carefully—mindful not to ruin joshua's outfit.
he knows he'll never hear the end of it if joshua ever catches a tear in the expensive clothing.
"i'll make it good, yeah?" jeonghan whispers against the hollow of joshua's throat, giving his clothed crotch a brief, firm squeeze before undressing himself.
joshua nods before jeonghan even finishes drawling the words out, ignoring the incessant voice in his head telling him to stop. he allows jeonghan to take the lead, letting him unzip his slacks eagerly as their lips meet in a messy, open-mouthed kiss. jeonghan sucks on his tongue as if he's starved, fingers digging into the small of his back so rough that he's pretty sure he'll bruise later.
joshua nearly jumps when the sudden warmth of jeonghan's palm makes contact with his throbbing cock, as whispers of 'gonna miss this,' 'gonna miss you' fill the nonexistent space between them.
his head spins, focus narrowing down to the feeling of jeonghan's mouth on his and the heat of their bodies against each other in the quiet of joshua's room.
jeonghan's hand isn't big enough to contain them both, so he shoves joshua further back against the dresser, spitting into his palm to slick them up. joshua gasps, his fingers digging into jeonghan's hip as they frot against each other; the friction now more electric as beads of precome make the slide even wetter.
"i need—"
"tell me what you need, baby."
"need you." joshua whines as he meets jeonghan's thrusts halfway. "need you in m'mouth."
impatience gets the best of him, not even waiting for a whole second before he sinks to his knees, the plush carpeting cushioning his fall. joshua looks up at jeonghan, eyes half-lidded from the high he's feeling, so fucking turned on that it's impairing his ability to think clearly.
he then noses along the hard length of jeonghan's cock, reveling in the musk that is so uniquely jeonghan before taking him deep, the taste of the older's skin flooding his mouth.
i'm gonna miss this, joshua thinks deep down as he hollows out his cheeks, throat fluttering around jeonghan's shaft.
even if he's married off to someone else, he'll shamelessly daydream about this—the weight of jeonghan's cock on his mouth—craving it so bad that he'd have to sneak out to the bathroom to touch himself while his wife sleeps soundly on their marriage bed.
he'd miss the way jeonghan's fingers would always thread through his hair whenever he'd go down on him, the way he'd use his mouth until joshua nearly chokes and blacks out.
in joshua's head, it's a feverish chorus of "one last time" and "i'm gonna miss it so much" on loop as he slobbers on jeonghan's swollen tip, his big hand pumping his leaking cock. he works him hard and fast until jeonghan cries out, keeping the leaking tip between his lips as if he's terrified he's gonna miss a drop of jeonghan's come.
"that's enough."
jeonghan hauls him up, grazing his lower lip with his thumb to push the spilled come into joshua's mouth. joshua easily takes the hint, sucking the finger deep into his mouth and moaning around it like a fucking whore.
he admires the sight in front of him—joshua in his debauched state, skin flushed and marked with his come—and in jeonghan's eyes, he's never been prettier.
if only jeonghan could immortalize this moment in a photograph, he would, just to keep this version of joshua that he's losing.
when he finally withdraws his finger, he presses a quick peck to the corner of joshua's mouth. "good job, baby."
joshua perks up at the endearment, before jeonghan pushes him up against the big glass windows, the harsh glare of the sun blinding him. he reaches over to pull the curtains fully shut, but jeonghan smacks his hand away.
"let them see," jeonghan growls, voice cold as steel. "let them see how much of a slut you are for me."
embarrassed, joshua buries his face into the crook of jeonghan's neck. the older presses their bodies close, holding up one of his thighs to press a slicked up finger against his entrance.
"ungh—"
"like that, shua-yah?"
joshua's whimpers echo through the room as jeonghan works his way up to three fingers, stretching him out fully. then, he bends joshua over against the glass, gripping his hips with bruising intensity as he lines himself up.
"fuck— god— AH!" joshua cries out as jeonghan slams into him, squeezing his eyes shut in a futile attempt to block out the shame washing over him. fresh tears threaten to spill, and this time, he doesn't fight them.
"does your pretty bride know you like getting fucked like this?" jeonghan hisses, hips driving harder against joshua's as he fucks into him deep—so deep that joshua can feel it in his guts.
jeonghan's fingers dance against his heated, sweaty skin, slowly wandering downward toward the fabric of joshua's boxers pulled just below his ass, using it as leverage to control the rhythm of his thrusts.
"how you whine for cock," he adds, punctuating it with a particularly hard thrust that sends joshua jolting forward, gripping the curtain for support, "how much you gag for it?"
"shut— nghhh!" joshua clenches around jeonghan's cock deliciously, which only encourages the older even more to run his filthy mouth.
tears still won't stop falling from joshua's eyes, and at this point, jeonghan can't tell if it's from guilt or overstimulation.
she doesn't have to know. i hope she never ever finds out.
"such a fucking slut for your best friend, aren't you?" jeonghan spits, gripping joshua's hips tighter before slamming back into him. "bet you'd love walking down the aisle with my come dripping out of your greedy hole."
"ngh— yes!" joshua wails, nodding frantically as jeonghan uses him with abandon, treating him like he's nothing but a toy made to get pleasure from.
"do you let her peg you like this, huh?" jeonghan pulls out just enough to make a point, landing a couple of hard slaps on joshua's ass until the skin turns hot red. "breed you like this?"
he thrusts back in mercilessly and hits joshua's prostate head on, his pace becoming more brutal by the second until joshua is boneless and spasming around his cock deliriously. the younger lets out a broken moan, unable to properly respond as he comes all over himself, guilt and shame immediately hitting him.
jeonghan soon follows, thrusts growing sloppy and desperate as he edges toward orgasm for a second time, filling joshua up to the brim.
"shit." joshua curses under his breath as he collapses to the floor, trembling, hurriedly stepping out of the slacks pooled down his ankles, wary of the mess running down his thighs.
jeonghan emerges from the bathroom with a damp washcloth in hand, heading straight for the bed where joshua still lies naked, sticky with his come.
for someone who's about to have a long day ahead of him, joshua surely does look like he's passing out any second, eyelids fighting to stay awake, his energy's exhausted from his and jeonghan's intense day.
"baby," jeonghan calls out softly, stopping by the edge of the bed. "still with me?"
joshua barely stirs at the sound of jeonghan's voice, nodding on autopilot more than by his own volition.
jeonghan knows he pushed a little too far this time, but joshua, never to be outdone, held steady until the end.
he can never say no to jeonghan anyway, no matter how much he asks of him.
jeonghan doesn't press any further. instead, he lets joshua come down from his own high. jeonghan squeezes into the tiny space between the edge of the bed and joshua's body, close enough to watch over him. he leans up to press a lingering kiss on joshua's temple, carding his fingers through his damp hair, as if to say:
i've got you. you're safe now in my arms. i'm sorry.
he adjusts his position, kneeling between joshua's legs to start cleaning him up. joshua remains collapsed on the bed, physically and emotionally spent.
for now, jeonghan lets him sleep, watching joshua's chest rise and fall until his own eyelids grow heavy.
few minutes later, jeonghan wakes to the rustling of the sheets and the warmth of joshua's lips on his neck.
he opens his eyes to find his beautiful face inches from his, eyes still a little puffy and red from tears, but they're no longer hazy and unsteady.
instead, joshua beams at him, sweet as ever.
yeah, jeonghan thinks. that's my joshuji.
the thought lingers at the back of his mind as he captures joshua's mouth into an unhurried, tender kiss, only pulling away when they're both out of breath.
"satisfied?" joshua asks softly, voice dripping with honey, nuzzling closer to jeonghan for warmth.
"very," jeonghan replies without missing a beat, smiling suggestively like the minx he is. "those lessons really paid off, huh?"
"shut up," joshua kicks jeonghan playfully, but he completely underestimates his own force. the action sends jeonghan toppling off the edge of the bed with an exaggerated yelp.
"aish—"
jeonghan retaliates within a matter of seconds, jumping on top of joshua to pin him down with his weight. he starts tickling him until they're both gasping for air—a stark contrast to the tense, nearly suffocating atmosphere filling the room moments ago, both of them being in too deep in their play for the day.
a smug grin slowly spreads across jeonghan's face as sudden realization hits him.
"when you think about it, i'm also helping you get better at acting."
joshua only rolls his eyes, feigning exasperation. yeah, by acting out scenes that belong in either amateur porn or seedy western series, he thinks dryly.
"might as well just audition for a BL then?"
"no fucking way, joshua hong." jeonghan lunges at him again, wrapping his arms possessively around joshua's waist as if the mere suggestion of someone else taking joshua shook him to the core.
their roughhousing eventually winds down to sweet, languid kisses shared between them, anchoring them back to reality as they bask in the afterglow of their orgasm. they lose track of time until an alarm blares from the nightstand, startling them apart.
"oh shit." jeonghan exclaims, immediately sitting upright to turn off the alarm. "get your ass to the bathroom, babe. hao's gonna kill us if we're late."
just imagining the fury of a perfectionist scorpio makes joshua's skin crawl, so he hurriedly gets up to his feet, picking up the outfit sprawled on the floor. he meticulously inspects the clothing, praying to the gods above that they hadn't accidentally soiled it.
thank fuck the slacks came out unscathed, joshua sighs in relief before following jeonghan to the shower.
he knows they'll have to face the wrath of mingyu and minghao if he deviates even an inch from the wedding dress code, all because he and jeonghan couldn't keep it in their pants for two seconds.
"this is all your fault," joshua complains, voice coming out raspy as he cleans himself up under the warm spray of the shower, "you came so much, hannie."
jeonghan is right there beside him, scrubbing the suds over his own skin as he snickers, reaching over to snatch the showerhead from joshua's hand. finishing himself off quickly, jeonghan kneels before the younger, fingers gentle as he scrubs the inside of joshua's thighs, rinsing away the last of their mess.
"you were so good, my love." jeonghan says, his tone softening into sudden sincerity. he looks up, meeting joshua's eyes through the haze, "how could i not?"
joshua just wants to fucking melt, kiss jeonghan until their skin goes wrinkly in the water, but the clock is ticking loudly. they don't have all day.
"you were so intense," joshua responds almost breathlessly, "you went so hard when i started crying."
jeonghan grins, that familiar mischievous glint returning to his eyes.
"my joshuji is such a pretty crier," he presses a lingering kiss to the soft skin of joshua's thigh. "the best actor in the world."
joshua smiles, eyes bright, reaching down to haul jeonghan back up to his feet. he leans until their foreheads touch, arms winding around jeonghan's shoulders to pull him into a kiss, a quick press of lips to thank him.
"you really are my biggest fan, aren't you?"
"of course." jeonghan says, planting a barely-there kiss on joshua's cheek, just to tease, before capturing his mouth again in a slow, deep kiss. this time, it's all gentle and reassuring. "and you're mine, too."
they break apart with smiles on their faces, but joshua refuses to let go, pulling jeonghan into a tight embrace, their wet skin flush against each other. "love you."
"love you more."
jeonghan pulls back just enough to reach for the towels, stepping aside to hold the robe open, waiting for joshua to step into it.
later, as they watch their best friends exchange vows, joshua would try to hold back his tears, blinking rapidly to pretend something has gotten into his eye.
but jeonghan knows him all too well—having memorized him inside out in the years they've spent together—and he knows exactly what joshua's silence and the slight tremor of his hands mean. wordlessly, jeonghan slips his fingers between joshua's like he always does, grounding him before he gets too carried away by the scene in front of him.
in hindsight, joshua feels a wave of relief that this is his and jeonghan's reality.
they don't have to hide, nor do they have to sneak around.
in this life, he actually gets to marry the love of his life—just a few more months—and it's infinitely better than any scenario that he ever had to act out.
in this lifetime, they'll always have each other.
and hopefully, even in the next ones.