Chapter Text
Water rushed between rocks and stones, crashing against the ends of the riverbed. Soren stared at the river, almost entranced by it. His eyes squinted for a moment as visions of blood crashed across his eyes. His gaze darted to his hands, covered in blood. Then the river, now of just blood.
"Soren?" A hand on Soren's shoulder pulled him out of his panic.
He looked at his hands again- normal- and then at the hand on his shoulder. It belonged to Corvus. He put his hand on top of it. "H- hey!" Soren forced a smile.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing. Just… wanted to… I don't know…"
Corvus sat down next to Soren, tugging him towards himself. "Something's wrong."
Soren looked towards the water again and sighed, putting a hand on Corvus's scarf around his neck. "Remember when you were cleaning your scarf?"
"Yeah?"
"I- I came out here to tell myself that everything was fine…" Soren started fidgeting with the ends of the scarf. "But… I… I couldn't get it out of my head."
"You had to come out here alone?"
Soren met Corvus’s gentle gaze. “What do you mean?”
“I could’ve come with you.”
Soren shrugged, unintentionally knocking Corvus off of his shoulder.
"Love?”
"Yeah?" Soren's gaze shot to Corvus's.
Corvus cupped Soren's cheek. "Is there anything I can do to help you deal with this?"
Soren stared. "I-" He then quickly pulled Corvus into his arms. "I love you so much." He planted a kiss on Corvus's cheek, jaw, and then lips.
"I love you too. Now answer my question."
"What do you even mean? We've been over this, I feel like. Just, some days… I can't…"
"But is there something I can do right now in this moment?"
"Oh, uh…" Soren took the scarf off his shoulders. "Take it back… for a day…"
"What? Why?"
"I'm not okay… right now with it… I don't feel deserving of it and it feels wrong to wear it."
"Undeserving?"
“Yeah…”
“Soren, I love you with all my heart.”
“Things can only be given if they’re wanted.”
Corvus stared for a moment. “That’s… poetic.”
“I know.” Soren smiled slightly.
Silence.
“So you want to give me back my scarf because you feel undeserving of love right now because of something that’s going on?”
Soren froze. “N- no… Just take it back. Please.” Soren shoved the scarf into Corvus’s hands.
Corvus stared at the scarf. “Soren, I gave it to you, though.”
"And I'm giving it back… temporarily."
“Tell me what’s going on. Mentally. Why now? Is it because of… your birthday-?”
“Corvus, please.”
“Let me help-”
"Later… please?"
"Promise you'll tell me?"
"I promise." Soren got up and walked over to the river, Corvus trailing behind. He put a hand in the water, cupping it in his hands.
Corvus put on his scarf and then put his hand in the water next to Soren's, intertwining his fingers with Soren's.
Soren's eyes locked with Corvus's as the two smiled softly.
"So for your birthday-" Corvus tried again.
"What-?"
"What do you want to do for that?"
Soren laughed, loudly and painfully.
"I don't understand… Why are you laughing?"
"Oh, uh… I've never…"
"Soren, I want to celebrate my boyfriend's birthday. I don't care what happened in the past."
"Let's not talk about this anymore…"
“You understand what I'm saying, right?"
"Please."
"Can you at least come back to the tent with me? I want to spend a few hours with my boyfriend alone." Corvus got up from the river.
"Alone?" Soren smirked, getting up as well.
Corvus saw his face and elbowed him. "Not like that."
Soren laughed. "I knowww…" he joked.
The two walked back to their tent. As soon as they were inside, Corvus pulled Soren down onto the mat, kissing him gently.
"Before you know it, this'll be a lot more comfy," Corvus laughed softly, looking down at the mat beneath them.
Soren mirrored Corvus's laugh. "Yeah. That'll be nice- an actual bed, privacy, an actual shower, privacy."
Corvus nudged Soren gently. "Privacy can't be the only thing you care about."
"Opeli's always interrupting us. With an actual room, we can lock the door. Then… no more interruptions."
"Then she gains the ability to knock and she can knock loudly."
"No more interruptions," Soren grinned with a nod that showed he was not listening to Corvus whatsoever.
Corvus took his fingertips to Soren's scalp, massaging it as he played with Soren's hair.
Soren smiled softly as Corvus did so. "You're going to make me fall asleep."
"Do you have patrol with me tonight?"
"Nope…" Soren nuzzled himself up against Corvus.
Relaxed moments of silence passed as Soren found himself closer and closer to sleep.
"You're actually gonna do it, right…?" Soren's eyes were half closed, his voice soft, almost weak.
"Do what?"
"Marry me?"
"Of course I am."
"You're not going to be all 'just kidding?'"
Corvus shook his head. "Why would I even…?"
"Because you're scared."
"Scared of what? Commitment?"
"I- I don't know. That I'm actually bad for you? That you're actually bad for me?"
"Bad for…? Soren… Do you still feel like my love is a lie?"
"I- I don't know… Claudia said…" Soren's voice trailed off slowly as his breath shivered.
"We can talk about this later, love." Corvus slowly got up, taking his hand away from Soren's head.
Soren shot awake. "Where are you going?!" He then pushed a hand over his mouth. "Sorry, I- That came out a lot… meaner and yell-ier than I meant it. But… where are you going? Or… getting ready for?"
"Patrol?" Corvus raised his eyebrow.
"Wait, I-" Then it hit him. "Fuck."
"What?"
"nothing. I'm just… stupid."
"You're not stupid. Just tell me what's wrong. You said you don't have patrol and that's fine."
"It's because… I haven't apologized to that guy. King Ezran is… punishing me."
Corvus put his hand on Soren's shoulder. "Go apologize to him while I'm gone."
"I…" Soren's gaze turned to the ground.
"This is what it's going to be if you don't. Do you like me leaving without you for patrol?"
"N-no…"
"Then go."
"I don't even know his name."
"Go find out."
Soren nodded with a sigh, taking Corvus's hand.
"I have to go, love," Corvus tried pulling away.
"I know…"
"If you're worried, I'm going to be fine."
"I- I know… but I can't help but worry about you when you're not with me… especially when you're doing something dangerous."
"I'll have someone with me."
"Who?"
"Not sure."
Soren frowned. "I already don't like this person."
"Don't tell me you're jealous."
"If they try something-!"
"Soren, just about everyone knows that we're together."
"But what if-?"
"Do you not trust me?"
"I do."
"Then you have nothing to worry about."
"You're right."
"I know I am," Corvus smirked.
"I love you…"
"I love you, too." Corvus pulled Soren in, kissing him softly. And then after a moment, he left.
Soren waited a minute before leaving the tent, not wanting to run into Corvus around camp as he searched for someone who knew who that guy that he punched was.
Walking around camp felt aimless. Soren wanted to give up, but then…
"Wait, aren't you…?" Soren saw a familiar face among the guards that were walking around camp.
He could recognize the gentle smile anywhere even through his clouded memory he could remember the face of who comforted him when he punched that other guard.
"Oh, hey. How are you?" She smiled. "Hope king Ezran didn't punish you too hard after what happened."
"Yeah, about that…"
"Oh no."
"Do you know where his tent is?"
"Oh, uh, yeah! I can take you there."
"Thank you."
"This way." The guard walked in a direction, Soren trailing behind.
"How's you and Corvus been?"
"Good. We've been good."
"No troubles after what happened?"
"No, no. Just king Ezran telling me I…"
The two stopped in front of a tent.
"You what?"
"Needed to apologize to that guy."
"Oh."
Soren's hand shook as he reached for the flap of the tent.
"I can be a witness. So he actually knows you did it."
"Thanks." Relief washed over Soren. "I never caught your name."
"Oh come on," she joked. "I've been apart of the guard for years."
Soren felt his face grow warm. "I'm not good with names!"
"You're fine," she laughed. "Haven."
"You already know my name."
"Yeah."
Soren took a deep breath and then turned his attention to the tent once more. "Hello?" he called awkwardly.
After a little bit, a familiar, but horrid face greeted him. As soon as he saw Soren, he frowned deeply.
"What?"
"I… I wanted to apologize."
"Apologize for ruining my life and career?"
Soren hesitated, taking a step back. "Excuse me?"
"You heard me, asshole!"
Heads turned at the loudness of his voice.
"You're the one that called me a slur!"
"And you ruined my career! I was going to be great!”
Soren grit his teeth.
“What? It's true."
Soren looked at Haven, trying to find a way out.
“Soren-” she started.
"Come here. Just want to, you know, give you a taste of your own medicine." He smiled sinisterly, readying his fist.
Soren shook his head. "I'm not stupid."
"Sure seems like it for messing with me."
"I'm not here to fight."
Driving his fist through the air, he tried to strike Soren.
Thankfully, with Soren's swift thinking, he dodged. "Okay… bye."
Soren quickly walked away, leaving the angry ex-guard alone.
Haven followed. "Good job."
"Thanks? What exactly was good about that? He tried to punch me."
"You didn't engage in that. I gotta go, but, I'll see you later."
"Okay, bye. And, uh- Haven?"
She turned to face Soren.
"Thank you."
"Yeah, anytime."
As soon as Soren entered his tent, he saw the emptiness of it and sighed.
"I hate this…" he mumbled, throwing himself onto the mat.
It felt like the icy coldness of the Frozen North, like death, like the bitter touch of his family.
He sprawled his limbs out, trying to use his own body warmth to lessen the feeling of ice, but it just made him feel more alone. His heart pounded as he listened to the chatter of those outside turn sour in his mind, polluted by the ice. It was as though they were talking about him- whispering. He wanted to scream, shout, but his lungs took away any hope of screaming for help- for Corvus- the moment the thought came to his brain.
With his breath in short supply, sleep easily found its way to Soren. But his dreams were no better.
Blood, shadowy figures, and death haunted Soren's dreams, tormenting him with visions of Corvus's death over and over. At what felt like the hundredth time of seeing this torment, Soren stared at it with open, tearstained eyes, almost accepting of his fate.
When Corvus returned, he saw the tear-stained face of Soren and knew that something was amiss. Soren tossed and turned as if swatting away flies or some other pest in his sleep.
Corvus gently took hold of Soren's shoulders and shook him. "Love, what's wrong?"
Soren jerked awake. "What-? I-" he realized what was happening and shook his head. "I fell asleep. Nothing."
"No, I know something's wrong. You move in your sleep and almost knock me off the mat sometimes, sure, but this was different."
Soren shook his head with a small laugh. "You're paranoid.”
Corvus crossed his arms with a raised eyebrow. "Soren, I know the difference between a dream and a nightmare."
"Ugh," Soren groaned, looking down. "I hate you."
Corvus sat next to Soren on the mat, putting a hand under his chin and guiding his gaze to his own with a small smile. "I love you, too."
Soren sighed, pulling away a little bit. "Okay, fine. I talked to that guy. Apologized."
Corvus's gaze was instantly concerned, and Soren could feel it. "What did he do?"
"Tried to punch me."
Corvus took Soren's hand, stroking it with his thumb. "Are you okay?"
"That's what you're asking?" Soren gently pulled away.
"Yeah, what do you mean?"
"Y- you're not asking 'what did I do' or 'why did he try to punch me'?"
"I already know you did nothing wrong."
"O- oh." Soren looked up at the top of the tent as he felt pressure come to his eyes.
Corvus pulled Soren close. "I'm not like them."
"I- I know… I know you wouldn't assume that I caused trouble… I just…"
"Then maybe you should stop assuming things about me…" Corvus nudged Soren gently with a small smile.
"Oh, y- yeah… sorry…"
Corvus gently guided Soren's lips to his own. "You're fine, love." He kissed him. "I haven’t seen you sleep like that in a while… Are you sure you’re okay…?"
Soren nodded. “Sorry…”
“For what? Having emotions?”
“I guess… Feels silly when you put it like that…”
“Because it is.” Corvus took a deep breath. "Were you wanting to sleep now?"
"Yeah."
Corvus pulled Soren down onto the mat. "Let's sleep then."
The next morning, Soren awoke peacefully in Corvus's arms. Seeing Corvus's face when he awoke just made him smile softly, but then he was reminded of a source of jealousy by the chatter outside.
Even with his approaching birthday, he was still always reminded of who mattered more.
Not him.
It was king Harrow.
He knew he shouldn’t be jealous, but there was always some part of him that was because of how his family always ignored his birthday to celebrate king Harrow’s.
Corvus stirred, eyeing Soren's face. He yawned. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"Let me in."
Soren sighed. "King Harrow's celebration starts today."
"Yeah."
"Are you worried that your birthday is going to-?"
"No, it’s nothing. Just…" Soren scooted himself away from Corvus slightly. "Just tired of celebration."
"You? Tired of celebration?"
"Yeah…"
“Soren, you love celebrating. You love people and making others happy.”
“Not right now… I’d rather just pretend I don’t exist. Well, I guess I don’t really have to pretend…”
Corvus poked Soren’s cheek. “You exist. You’re right here. In our tent. With your boyfriend who is deeply concerned about what just came out of your mouth.”
“Sorry…”
“No, you’re fine, just… are you jealous? Of king Harrow?"
“No!” Soren partly snapped. He took a deep breath. “No… I’m not. Stop. Please.”
Soren-" Corvus put a hand on Soren's shoulder. Soren pulled away.
"I'm fine."
"No you're not."
"I am!" Soren partly snapped. "I am fine."
Corvus nodded slowly. "What can I do for you?"
Tears fell down Soren's face. "I- I'm sorry… I- I don’t know why I’m being so snappy. I- I should be so happy because he was our king. A king I helped to protect, b- but I feel like I don’t matter to anyone except you and-”
"Corvus?" Ezran's voice called, peaking his head into the tent.
The moment that he saw Ezran, Soren instantly plastered on a smile, trying to rid himself of any evidence of hurt.
"Yes?"
"Do you know how to make the stew we typically make for my dad's celebration? No one knows, so I thought I'd ask you."
Soren wrapped his arms tightly around Corvus at the mention of King Harrow.
"Yes, I do." He looked at Soren. "I'll be there in a minute."
"Okay, thank you, Corvus." And Ezran left.
Corvus turned to Soren. “You matter to a lot more people than just me.”
“They show it until it counts. When it counts, I don’t exist.”
“Your birthday being when it counts…?”
Soren let go of Corvus and shrugged.
“Then can we talk about this again?”
“Talk about what?”
“Your birthday. What do you want to do?”
“Nothing.”
“But you’re complaining about not existing.”
“I’ve done nothing for years, I can do nothing for the rest of my life, I don’t care, Corvus!” The intensity of Soren’s voice only brought tears to his eyes.
Corvus cupped his cheek. “Your eyes tell me otherwise.” He wiped the tears with his thumb.
Soren pulled away. “You can go now.”
"Come with me."
Soren shook his head.
"Come on." Corvus slowly got up, dragging Soren with him. "Come onnn…" He tugged Soren up.
Soren laughed slightly as Corvus kissed his cheek.
"There's that joy. I love that laugh."
"I love you too."
"Come on, let's go." Corvus took Soren's hand and dragged him out.
Ezran was already waiting inside Barius's tent with Callum, Rayla, and Opeli.
"With all these people, this feels like a party…"
"We all were trying to figure out what went in the stew, but no one could entirely figure it out."
"Can I taste it?" Corvus asked.
Ezran nodded.
Corvus took a spoon, stirring the stew before taking a little bit to his mouth.
He stood for a moment, thinking deeply about the flavor of it all. He then shook his head. "It's missing some liquam."
"Liquam?"
"Yeah. King Harrow always cooked with it. He couldn't get enough of it." Corvus put in a hefty spoonful of Liquam before tasting it again. He nodded.
“Corvus, what is liquam?”
“It’s basically Xadian brown sludge mostly made from meat.” Barius butted in.
Corvus nodded. "And then the jelly tart, of course."
Ezran grinned, tossing in a jelly tart. "Thank you, Corvus."
"Of course."
Callum smiled, getting out his sketchbook. "Along with the stew, I can…" His pencil stopped halfway to the page. "Huh."
"What's wrong?" Ezran asked.
"I- I can't…" Callum's hand slightly shook. "I'm just having problems remembering what he looked like… dad."
"I'm going to go…" Soren stepped towards the entrance of the tent.
Corvus took his hand. "Please stay."
Soren pulled away. "I’ve got patrol tonight." He then raced out of the tent.
Corvus sighed and looked back at the stew. It was then that it clicked why Soren was upset. "May I say something?"
Ezran nodded.
"Tomorrow's his birthday. Please, please make an effort to give him some recognition. No one should hate their birthday- he does."
"He hates his birthday?" Ezran asked.
"Yeah. It's… a long story."
"We'll definitely celebrate his birthday. We can have a party and even sing to him!"
"I don't know about all that, but definitely tell him happy birthday. It means something to him even if he doesn’t say it." He looked to the opening of the tent and sighed. He then looked to Ezran. "May I-?"
"Go ahead."
Corvus nodded. "Thank you." And then he followed Soren.
Soren laid on the mat, reaching up at the fire ruby hanging from the ceiling with a sigh.
“Can we talk?” Corvus walked in.
“There’s nothing to talk about.”
"Love, I know something's wrong."
"I hate you…"
"You can't hide from me."
Soren sat up. "Please don't celebrate my birthday."
"What?"
"It's a waste. Just celebrate the past king. He's more important."
Corvus sat down next to Soren. "No one is more important to me than you."
"Liar."
Corvus shook his head, kissing Soren's hand.
"But you said that nothing’s more important than protecting Ezran and you’d choose him over me anytime."
“I- I didn’t mean…” his voice trailed off. Soren was right. He had said something of the sort, but he didn’t mean it in the way that Soren inferred it. He took Soren’s hands. “I might’ve said that, but…” Corvus shook his head. "Soren, I'm completely in love with you. You're what matters. Espcially right now.”
Soren felt his face flush as he slowly nodded. "O- okay."
"Is that… not okay…?"
Soren shrugged. "I- I'm tired."
"Then take a nap."
"I have patrol."
"Then I don't know what you want me to do."
"I- I…" Soren took a deep breath, staring at the ground.
"Do you need a hug?"
Soren slowly nodded.
Corvus tugged Soren into his arms, tightly holding him.
Soren found tears fall from his eyes as Corvus held him.
Corvus saw them and wiped them. "I love you."
"I love you too…"