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I just want to be released from this miserable life. This should kill me. I recognize that if I do this and don’t die, I’ll hit a rock bottom so low I'll practically reach the metaphorical center of the earth.
I look at the gun. I’m not doing this because I think I shouldn’t exist, I’m doing this because I think he shouldn’t exist. He’s a danger to everyone, and I’ll be doing everyone a favor by putting him down.
I pick up the gun. I remember a time a few years ago, when I was young and happy. Or at the very least younger and happier. Back when I was getting PhDs like collectables. I remember this girl I became pretty close friends with during my fifth PhD. She was a psychology major and obsessed with this mental disorder, DID. Dissociative identity disorder. Multiple people in one body. I remember her at a time like this because she’d either hate me for doing this, or be terrified of me because of what I’ve become.
Either way doesn't matter, we don’t keep in touch anymore.
I undo the gun’s safety lock. I take a breath. I’m tired of all this. I’m angry all the time. And the thing inside me knows it. But that doesn’t matter, because I’m going to pull the trigger, and he can’t stop me.
I put the gun to my mouth. It's my understanding that the world will lose two things today. A renowned scientist who could have changed the world with his discoveries and something else. Something—someone, beyond definition.
I pull the trigger.
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The next time I come into conciseness I’m a couple yards from my house. “House” might be too generous a word. It's a small hut with a bed cot and a tiny kitchen. Regardless, it’s seen better days. The roof looks like a meteor hit it, but I know better. The hole in the roof came from something escaping the hut, not entering it.
I walk slowly to the house, trying to accept defeat. I failed at killing myself. But more importantly, I failed at killing the other guy.
I sigh as I enter my “home”. There's barely anything inside and yet the place still looks like a mess. On the floor is a bullet.
It looks chewed up.