Chapter Text
He blindfolded me.
He used my ponytail as a leash.
He spanked my ass red.
A panting Hermione Granger couldn’t stop replaying it in her head.
She stared wide-eyed at the smattering of pale freckles dotted across her situationship’s beefy bicep. An hour into a booty call, he was hovering above her in bed while eyeing her bouncing tits like a hungry child. His thoroughly average dick, frenzily pumping inside of her. His balls, slapping against her rear and when he stuttered out if she liked it like this, Hermione faked a rougher moan.
It wasn't a lie if she didn't use words, right?
Right?
No, as her date broke out into a goofy smile while announcing that he thought he felt her cum, it wasn’t the worst thing to be kind during copulation, Hermione decided.
Even if this fucking sucked.
Literally.
________________________________
He blindfolded me.
He used my ponytail as a leash.
He spanked my ass red.
In a cozy coffee shop, with only the driest organic pastries, Hermione twirled a loose bun curl around her finger.
It wasn’t her intention to space out while others were talking. She had her notes app open. She looked the part of someone listening, or wanted to, but her wandering mind kept dipping back down to the depths of depravity as she unconsciously released another springy ringlet before wrapping it around her finger again.
A hard pull and a satisfying release.
Her thoughts, a million miles away from the task at hand until a chipper voice shifted her attention back to the sole reason she was anywhere outside of the house on a Sunday at ten am.
“And what did you think of the book, Hermione?”
“W-What did I think?” Hermione shakily echoed, hoping that saying something might give her time to come up with anything. “Of the book?”
At the opposite end of the table, a far-too-perky Hannah Abbott nodded. “Yep.”
Hermione glanced down at her copy of You Relay Want Me. “It was…um…interesting.”
“Wow,” Hannah laughed, too loud and bubbly. “I’m not used to such a succinct summary from you.”
Ha, ha, ha, you’re soooo funny.
So. Funny.
Ugh, were you always this insufferable?
“Well,” Hermione flatly replied, working hard to keep the irritation out of her tone. “Not to be a negative Nelly, since I know it’s your book this week, but I can’t say that it especially moved me.”
Hannah’s expression fell a fraction. “You didn’t find the juxtaposing of racing scenes with sex scenes to be a thrilling choice?”
“Not really.” Hermione shrugged. “I assumed a sports romance book would do that, you know? It’s like, of course, the author’s going to mention “stroking his baton” at some point, right?”
“Right...”
“I mean, don't get me wrong, I can totally understand why the book’s popular. It checks the boxes for a casual reader because it's super easy to read and short. There’s very little prose, and the sex is pretty explicit. It’s good on paper, while being boring on paper.”
“Oh.”
“Just, not my fave, I guess.”
Hannah rolled her lips in. “Clearly.”
“But Dash Speeds’ mom was funny,” Hermione hastily added.
A little note from Luna after the last “spirited” book club meeting was to try to layer her critiques into a compliment sandwich, if possible. Start by describing a thing she liked in the book, plop down a thing she hated, and then finish it off with a smear of something she thought had some promise. If all went well, the reviewer would think Hermione sounded more positive and a little less bitchy- and possibly wouldn’t feel nervous about suggesting a book for the next session.
Yes, according to Luna, a little kindness could go a long way to keeping the club going.
However, judging by her friend’s wide-as-heck eyes from across the table, Hermione hadn’t exactly served up a subtlety sandwich that morning.
Hermione blinked back an apology.
I tried.
Luna sniffed.
No you fucking did not.
_____________________________
In the hustle and bustle as everyone left the coffee shop, Hermione slumped back against her seat. She tossed out a couple of perfunctory smiles. She ripped open a bag of impossible-to-dissolve raw sugar for her coffee, stirring it into her third latte with a sustainably sourced straw.
It was a floppy disappointment.
A near perfect comparison to her last night booty call.
“Bye! See you in three weeks!”
“Bye!”
“Ciao!”
A frowning Hermione jabbed her straw at the chunky granules, foolishly assuming that her only issue would be ethical-sweetener related until she heard a disappointed tsk-tsk aimed at her.
“Hush,” Hermione warned. “I don’t want to hear it.”
Luna sighed. “So, I shouldn’t point out that the time for a spoonful of sugar was earlier.”
Hermione stirred faster. “Nope.”
“Hermione-”
“Luna.” Hermione flicked a dark glare towards her friend. “I’m serious, I’m not looking for any loving lectures right now.”
“Okay,” Luna obediently nodded, adjusting her sky-blue beret. “We will definitely not talk about you chewing Abbott’s head off for the second time in two sessions.”
“I didn’t chew her head off," Hermione crisply stated. "I just said the book was predictable and bad.”
“That’s practically verbatim what you said about her last book.”
Hermione threw her hands up. “It’s not my fault that she has mid tastes!”
Luna sighed into a chuckle. “She does have pretty terrible taste.”
“Right?!" Hermione blurted out, hands gesticulating as fast as any hands have ever gesticulated. "Like, maybe read one hidden gem for once in your life! It doesn’t all have to come from the New York Times or BookTok!”
Luna cocked her head. “You done?”
“Not entirely,” Hermione whined, slouching against the booth. “But I do recognize that this isn’t exactly a fresh rant for you, so I’m stopping now.”
“To your credit, you didn't call her a blonde butt this time. So there's some growth for you.’
Hermione snickered. “Well, cheers to me.”
Luna scooted closer. “Um, just for funsies, is there a particular reason why you were especially feisty this morning?”
Hermione turned to her. “Yes, and it’s your fault.”
A gobsmacked Luna held a hand to her heart. “My fault?”
“Mmhmm,” Hermione doubled-down, voice lowering. “Because I kept thinking about your date on my date last night and it completely ruined it.”
“What?”
“Girl, you sent me those texts about…” Hermione mimed a whip in the air. “The things you did on Friday.”
“Uh-huh.”
“And I couldn’t get them out of my head as Ronald did the things he did to me–quite poorly.”
“Oh.” Luna’s eyes rounded. “Oh. Oh.”
“And then during book club, I started picturing them again.” Hermione pushed her drink away. “So, basically, your good sex is ruining my life!”
It would have been completely fair for Luna to laugh in Hermione’s face.
She could hear how immature she sounded.
Who even asks one of their oldest friends to stop having frisky fun so that they feel less sexually unfulfilled, anyway?
Who does that?
A crazy sex-crazed person, that’s who.
In sharp comparison, the cafe speakers were softly playing a Spotify playlist for “Good Vibes on a Cool Day”. A handful of couples were typing away at their laptops side by side after holding hands on the walk over. The sun was beginning to shine ethereal rays through the fluffiest clouds in the Portland sky after a rainy morning, and Hermione’s horny ass had just admitted to thinking about her friend’s sex during sex, for goodness sake.
She’d said that out loud.
Oh god, she’d actually said that out loud.
But, fortunately, Luna was a good friend. The best friend she had. A wonderfully kind and sensitive soul who took pity on Hermione and didn’t snap back at her friend that she was going beyond Cringeland and straight into Bonkersville.
“Hon?” Luna asked instead, eyes softened with a warmth that made Hermione shift restlessly in her seat. “Do you want to be fucked like that?”
Hermione tapped her fingers against her mug. “I dunno.”
Luna slipped her phone out of her overalls. “I’m gonna send you a link, you fill out a form, and you go and have yourself some phenomenal fucking.”