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The next time he opens his eyes, it takes him a while to realise what is wrong with the light. It is not the light that hurts--used to hurt--his eyes. It's softer, gentler to his sight, and it allows shadows. He moves to cover his eyes, and is amazed when he finds his arms move.
The sounds come next--shrill sounds of unidentified birds and the occasional rooster coming from outside. It inspires him to uncover his eyes and make a move to sit up, look around. Ah, there is a window, whence both light and sound inch over the bedroom. He racks his brain for a comparison, but the people in the older room had told him...he cannot remember.
He discovers his entire body can move freely and that his legs, at least, remember how to walk. The room is a quick exploration: rumpled sheets and blanket on a used bed, a bedside table with a dream catcher on its top, a window obscured by sheer curtains. A glance outside reveals a garden already basking in the early morning light, but he cannot recall seeing it anytime in his life.
The door, meanwhile, is half-open, so he pads as quietly as he can through the hallway. The cobwebs of his mind reminds him of other hallways, darkness and threats lurking behind each one--but here, the hallway is full of photographs. The subjects mostly chase each other through each frame, though they pause and watch him curiously as he slides his gaze from one photo to another.
"...verus. Severus."
He turns to the sound more because the voice sounds familiar more than because he recognises the name. On one of the opened doors from the hallway, a rumpled man still in his sleeping robes rubs his eyes and smiles. "You're finally awake," the man says, fighting off a yawn.
He opens his mouth to answer, but he finally, finally recalls something that he blurts out, "You got me out."
The man looks relieved as he strides towards him, reaching out a hand to touch his shoulder. "Yes," he says fondly, "because you asked me. You've slept the last three days."
The man starts steering him through another entryway, through furniture and books and children's toys. There is a mirror on the wall where he catches sight of himself. He has to stop and touch his face: oily hair on a gaunt, sallow face. The face is familiar, but the name is not. "And my name is Severus," he clarifies.
The man's voice is incredibly sad when he replies, "Yes, that is your name."
When the man asks if he still remembers how to eat, Severus snaps back indignantly, "I am not an imbecile."
"Good, but do you even remember how you prefer your eggs to be cooked?" the man replies wryly, to which Severus cannot respond. The man only gives him a small smile. "How about we indulge and have an egg each and some beans and sausage, hmm? Coffee?"
Severus nods briefly, not looking at the man as he takes out his pans and some eggs. They do not talk while the man works, and it takes all of Severus' will-power not to bark out when he can obviously detect that the porridge will be too runny, or that the sausages are slightly burnt. The sheepish grin the man sports when he finally lays out the plates tells Severus that it is not the intention.
"I usually have un-burnt sausages," the man tells him.
At this point, Severus is ravenous so he does not care. He tells the man as such, and again the sad smile is back on the man's face. "They didn't let you eat much," he tells Severus quietly. "They told me, and they gave me your records."
Severus pauses slightly, but he is not about to look a gift horse in the mouth. The man mentions "records" as if it should mean something to him. The memories he keeps are jumbled and strange, but he does remember the stark white room and the bland porridges. He appreciates the fruits and spices in this one, even if he doesn't know the man who made them.
Somehow, the man must notice because he polishes off one sausage before he comments, "You don't remember me, do you?"
Severus glances up from the plates. "I only know that your cooking can be better," he admits, "and that your photographs on your wall show your arms around a young woman and a toddler. I know they aren't here now, or they would be awake."
The man looks startled, but perhaps it is because he does not know that Severus took the time to examine the photos and paintings hanging on his hallway. He says, "You're correct about them. They're not here now."
Severus only nods, but he doesn't look into the man's eyes. He feels the darkness lurking somewhere in his mind, and the man's family does not deserve the harshness. He doesn't want to know if...if they...
"Teddy's with his mum," the man cuts into his thoughts. "He'll be back in the weekend. Do you...remember them?"
Severus only shakes his head, but it makes his head hurt. He says, "No. Should I?"
"Perhaps. But you..." The man pauses, then says quietly, "My name is Remus. Remus Lupin."
Severus finally meets the man's gaze, and is curious to find that Remus' expression is anxious. "I am pleased to meet you, Remus Lupin," he tells him formally. He does not offer his hand.
Only Remus' smile is a mixture of sadness and relief. "That's what you said, when we first met," he says quietly. "I remember."
"Was it when you took me from that room?" Severus asks.
"No. No, it was a long time ago." Remus becomes more interested in his breakfast. When Severus does not reply, he asks, "Do you at least know why you're here? I can't...I shan't keep you here if you don't want to be here. You have to know that."
Severus thinks of the plain room filled with artificial lights, the heaviness in his limbs, the mix of sympathetic and disgusted tones of voices. He remembers the abrupt change, someone entering and demanding to see records, calling his name even though he sometimes forgets his own name.
"I asked you to take me away, didn't I?" Severus says. He feels embarrassed, all of a sudden, asking so much from this man whom he cannot remember. "I didn't like that place, and you came. I asked...for your help. Thank you. You didn't have to."
Remus looks equally embarrassed but at least his smile is wide. "It was the least I can do."
"What was that place?" Severus asks, trying to control his shudder.
Remus' smile dims. "It was St Mungo's Hospital," he replies, and they both fall silent.
Severus' strength starts to waver throughout breakfast, but he doesn't want to seem impolite to his host. He closes his eyes for a moment while Remus puts the dishes on the sink, blinks open when he feels a hand touch his hand.
"You fell asleep," Remus tells him softly. "You look tired. Let's get you back to bed."
Severus shakes his head, but the pain stings sharply on his temple. He cannot prevent the wince. "My parents raised me to be polite."
"You remember your parents but you cannot remember me," Remus says sadly, fingers tracing Severus' temple up to his head. It feels too good that Severus can't help leaning into his touch. Remus murmurs something else, but Severus is almost dead on his feet. "--It would be more impolite of me to keep you up when you're still recovering."
"Recovering from what?" Severus asks, but his voice is groggy and Remus does not respond.
In the end, he allows Remus to help him back to the bedroom. The short walk is stretched when done with a blistering headache, and Severus simply has to drop into the bed before he falls back in a blessedly dreamless sleep.
Severus does not wake up again until sunset, upon which Remus invites him to dine once more. Severus almost declines; he is embarrassed with his tendency to fall asleep and rising only to eat. His stomach, however, betrays him with a loud grumble, so he trudges next to Remus. At least he makes Remus laugh.
Supper is curry and rice, which is hot enough to make Severus drink glass after glass of water. He compliments the spice, and Remus happily reveals that he grows some of the vegetables in his garden at the back of his cottage. He promises to show it to Severus the next day.
"Perhaps you'll find something to brew potions with, although I doubt it," Remus muses. "Conventional food is hardly used for making potions, aren't they?"
Serverus pauses, then nods. "I suppose."
"Or not," his companion says quickly. "I hardly remember anything about Potions."
"I do," Severus says gruffly, and is surprised that he does.
Remus fills the silence with chatter about his garden, how he keeps heating charms similar to a greenhouse so some of the spices survive during the winter season. He is quick to gather the plates when they finish, but he stumbles on the table leg. The cutleries fly, and it is only Severus' quick gesture with his hand that he catches the plates before they crash on the floor.
"Don't worry yourself," Remus says confidently. His legs and arms are twitching, and he quickly makes his way to the cupboards. "I'll just--it's right--"
"What do you need?" Severus asks, jumping up to help.
Remus shoots him a blank glance, but he visibly softens as his arms start shaking and his legs start twisting. "There is a potion in a green bottle on that left cupboard, above the sink--"
Severus quickly finds the bottle labelled "Inexcitus Temp. Lupin, R" but refuses to hand it to him. Remus' arms are shaking so badly, it would be impossible for his fingers to wrap around the bottle without risking spillage. Instead, Severus cups his head and tips Remus' head back, lets the potion pour down his throat.
The tremors ease after a while. Remus sinks to his chair, not meeting Severus' eyes. "It's not contagious," he says defensively. "It was during the war. I was hit with a spell that should have killed me and my body simply absorbed it, but. I get violent shakes. I get tired a lot, and...It was the war," he finishes.
Severus only nods. He remembers how soothing it was when Remus placed his hand on his head, so he touches Remus' shoulder. Remus looks up at him, his expression unreadable.
"I'll wash the dishes," Severus says.
"You don't have to--"
"If you prefer broken plates and cutleries flying because of your stubbornness, I will simply leave them there," Severus tells him sternly.
Remus only smiles. "Well, we can simply cast a Scouring charm. I have my wand and you still seem to have a good grasp of wandless magic."
"Or I can repay you by simply doing them by hand," Severus says, ignoring the implied question on his memories. "You may stay there and talk about the news so I wouldn't have to go through each of The Daily Prophet's ridiculous articles."
Remus happily complies.
A young woman drops by the next day. Remus opens the door for her but doesn't let her in until the conversation grows long and she insists on at least "checking up on his condition". Severus grows uncomfortable when her face brightens upon seeing him, and he automatically tries to look for a wand in his arm--which, of course, isn't there.
"Hello, Severus, how have you been doing?" she asks cheerfully.
Severus meets her eyes, refusing to look away. "I'm fine," he replies shortly, and asks, "What brings you here?"
Her eyes positively light up. "So you remember me?" she asks.
"I remember you hovering over me and pretending I was a child whilst I gagged in those potions you forced down my throat," Severus says bluntly.
He watches triumphantly as the woman turns bright red. "Well, the memory is a strange thing," she coughs. Interest probably waning, she turns to Remus and asks, "May we speak privately?"
Remus glowers at her, but he gives her a tight nod. "Of course you may. Severus--"
Severus takes his leave and keeps himself inside his room. The voices in the lounge grow louder, until Severus can hear Remus' angry voice through the walls, upon which a Silencing charm is cast.
He frowns. Severus doesn't recall the woman's name, but he does know she is working from where he was held in--in St Mungo's Hospital. He remembers her casting a spell so he wouldn't swallow his tongue, then sing-songs, "For the greater good, Severus, just what you've always wanted!" as he chokes--
Severus shakes off the memory and sits on the bed. The headache is returning, but he's determined not to succumb to it, so he sets to the task of inspecting the room. With some concentration, he can already discern some telling things. His exhaustion last night led him to miss that the bed is standard-sized, but with designs that may befit a child. There are also coloured paintings at the bottom part of the wall, while the desk is shorter than ordinary--say, the kitchen table. A cursory glance inside the trunk by the bed also reveals a Quidditch training broomstick, a fake wand, a box of paints, some stuffed animals, a Headless Hat, a toy train-set, and others.
Severus recalls the photograph of the child, almost always with Remus or a rather distinguishable woman (mostly because of the colour of her hair or the shape of her nose in all the photos). Remus has mentioned that his son is with his mother, implying that he and the woman are not--or at least, no longer--together.
He wonders why that is so.
He is in the middle of going through some books when a knock on the door brings Remus. The thunderous expression is still on his face, but it disappears when he sees what Severus is holding. "You've found Teddy's books," he approves.
"I remember reading this when I got to Hogwarts," Severus recalls, indicating a copy of The Tales of Beedle the Bard.
"Do you remember the stories?" Remus asks.
"Not quite all of them, but I recall some--" The pain his Severus' head grows stronger, making him pause. "Some of the stories were horrible." He is startled when the book is taken out of his hand. He looks up at Remus, whose eyes are sad as he helps Severus up from the seat.
"Perhaps you need to rest now," Remus tells him. His hand at the small of Severus' back is strange, but not at all unpleasant. He wants to put his head on Remus' shoulder and rest, but Remus is right. A bed would be better. "You shouldn't exert yourself."
"What did she want?" Severus hears himself ask. "Did she want to take me away?"
"She wasn't here for you," he hears Remus reply, but it is lost as Severus surrenders to sleep.
The next few days provides the same cycle. Severus' headaches are common, but they grow far and few in between. Remus admits that the Inexcitus potion is only when the shaking is uncontrollable, which Severus observes happens often. Remus also shares that an independent apothecary has been researching his condition, which is why Remus is constantly in St Mungo's.
Severus is also introduced to Remus' backyard, which is impressively growing leaves despite the November chill. By December, Remus explains, he will remove the spell to completely give the soil a chance to recover. By spring, it will have enough nutrients to grow new vegetables.
Sometimes, there are things that Severus remembers, like Remus' voice when he was younger, or dark things that he would rather forget. He takes the time to examine the photos on Remus' wall, intent to discover something until Remus urges him to inspect his impressive bookshelves instead. Most of the times, Severus complies. Sometimes the photos would glare at him, although they haven't spoken yet.
One evening, Remus tells him that his son will be visiting for the weekend.
Severus remembers the boy in numerous photos--he hasn't glared at Severus, and he's either always laughing or crying, as children are wont in their age. The days have passed by so quickly that Severus has forgotten that days have actual dates and labels, which mean schedules should be held in regard.
Remus is calm, sipping tea while they play chess, waiting for his move.
Severus replies carefully, "I am feeling better. If you could kindly suggest a boarding room--"
"Don't be ridiculous, I'll simply introduce you," Remus says confidently. "It's still your move."
Severus moves his rook one square forward. Remus' brow wrinkles. "Will your wife approve?"
"Dora isn't my wife anymore. We've discussed it like the adults that we are, and we've come to an agreement that you needn't interact with Teddy unless you want to. She's mentioned you to Teddy a few times so he won't be confused."
It's hardly an answer, and Severus knows that it shouldn't be simple. He has a memory--one that continues to claw its way through his dreams and follows him in his waking moments--of being a boy, wondering how adults' conversations would affect him. He knows he wouldn't appreciate being told to make friends if he doesn't want one, and he welcomes Remus' lack of expectations that he and Teddy will instantly become chums.
"Will he join us for breakfast?" he asks.
Remus moves his knight to block his rook, but there is a smile on his face. "Teddy hates getting up early, so Dora will bring him right before lunch." He looks up, ventures, "Severus, if you are curious about your memories, Dora is probably the best person who can help--"
"No!" Severus says, a little too sharply. His breathing becomes erratic and his head starts to pound. Memories threaten to overwhelm him, but he refuses to let them. "There should be a reason why I was kept in that blasted hospital for a year! They wouldn't make me forget if the memories were good--"
"Alright," Remus replies calmly, soothing. "It's still an option."
"Your dashing rescue does not entitle you to my brain!"
"I only meant to help you! Dora is an Auror--if you even remember what that is--so she may help you. You needn't do anything that might upset you."
But Severus finds himself becoming more upset. The memories--the few that he has--are all so dark and angry, sprinkled only with triumph that, in perspective, are all hollow. He doesn't like himself in those memories. "Trying to ask more questions about their ethical treatment is upsetting me," he grits out.
"You didn't see yourself!" Remus snaps. "No-one was acknowledging you were being kept in one of the most private, most horrid room where they fed you potions and kept you 'safe'." The way he says the word makes it clear what he really thinks about that. "You couldn't recognise me, but you held out your hand, as far as you could. You fucking begged me to take you away from there! Do you even remember what they were doing to you?"
"Perhaps I deserved it," Severus retorts.
Remus stands so fast that his chair collapses violently. "Merlin's balls, Severus, your martyrdom should have hanged a year ago! Not one human should be forced to endure a blatantly unethical and non-consensual mind-fucking! No, shut up, you listen to me, you arrogant prick," he goes on when Severus moves to reply. "Your insistence to punish others for your childhood is only re-adjusting to a need to punish yourself. It is obvious that this tendency is only a result of your arrogance, that you don't need anyone, that you only need your narcissistic self!"
That stings Severus more than he expects, and he lashes out, "Then apparently your tendency for heroics is wearing thin."
"I only wanted to help!"
"Undoubtedly to save me from my narcissistic self!" Severus spits out, already on his way out of the room. He slams the bedroom door behind him.
Breakfast the next morning is stiff and formal. Severus' headache has rescinded, but the throbbing pain latches on at the back of his head from the moment he wakes up and refuses to leave. Remus goes to make a fire-call right after eating, leaving Severus to return to his bedroom for a nap.
He wakes up mid-morning by unfamiliar voices murmuring from outside his window. In hindsight, Severus realises having Remus' son with them might be awkward, especially since he and the boy's father have exchanged some words. However, he doesn't make any move to leave his room, instead opting to read the book he had perused from Remus' bookshelf.
A few minutes later, he hears Remus shout, "Say good-bye to your mum, Ted," which heightens Severus' curiosity enough to make him peek out.
A young purple-haired woman with several protection charms strung around her neck and wrists somehow doesn't surprise Severus. The reason why comes to him through a memory: Nymphadora Tonks standing on tiptoes to whisper into Remus' ear.
The vision isn't old--Remus has the same grey streaks on his hair, and Nymphadora looks around the same age as she does now--but Severus staggers with the anger he remembers feeling, seeing Remus' arm resting on the small of her back, the small smile on his face. Although the memory is uncontrolled, Severus feels a pang of guilt over witnessing that, especially now when the coolness of their demeanour is obvious.
The brief memory slices through his head, making him gasp and fall into the floor. It takes several moments before his breath evens, before Severus manages to crawl back to the bed. The book on the floor is ignored in favour of the pillows that may soothe his head. It takes a few more minutes of concentrating on breathing before he finally falls asleep.
When he next wakes up, the shadows in the room are longer. His stomach rumbles a reminder that he has forgone lunch, which makes it more ridiculous if he stays in the room to pout. With a sigh, he turns to his side, ready to get up.
To his credit, Severus stays very, very still when he discovers a toddler kneeling next to the bed, watching him fervently. A long silence blankets them, until the boy jumps up, arms stretched over his head and screams, "Ddddaaaaaaaaa!"
That makes Severus jump out of bed, but he quickly straightens himself just as Remus bursts into the room with a groan, "Oh, Teddy, I told you not to come in here!"
"Someone is in my room!" the boy cries. He runs over to hide behind Remus' legs.
Remus shushes his boy and quickly apologises to Severus, " I told him you were resting but he was very curious and I thought he was in the living room playing, but apparently he just wandered over, but I told you to take a nap in my bed, didn't I, Teddy?"
"It's alright," Severus says, clearing his throat and trying to look halfway decent, which he immediately stops when he realises Remus' eyes flicker to his hand running through his hair. He clears his throat again. "Quite alright, I didn't even realise it was your bed--"
"I have a big boy's bed!" Teddy pipes up, apparently appreciating being a part of the conversation. "S'why you didn't notice. I like jumping on it. Do you jump on it while I was away? I hope you do, s'fun!" The last part is accompanied by a shriek, squirming in his father's arms, and Teddy's face drawn in the biggest smile that Severus has ever seen on any child.
"Teddy, this is my friend Severus. Severus, my little demon Teddy," Remus says while he desperately tries to keep Teddy from squirming away from his arms. It's not going well.
Teddy only spares Severus a short glance, now that it is apparent that Severus hasn't really jumped on his bed. "Hi, Serbus," he says, and Severus decides that his lisping excuses Teddy from mangling his name. "Me still put toys here, Da?"
"We'll talk later, darling." Teddy's squirming increases to borderline octopus while Remus tries to tell Severus, "I was just coming anyway--to get you. Supper is just about--"
"SUPPER!" Teddy shrieks again, finally succeeding in wriggling to the floor sans his jumper, from which he quickly zooms away.
Remus huffs before turning to Severus with a sheepish expression. "Right, that's Teddy." His gaze lands on the book Severus dropped earlier on the floor, but he makes no comment as he turns to follow his son through the hallway.
Conversation while eating is surprisingly easy. Teddy keeps a steady chatter, even though Severus has trouble concentrating on the topic at hand and the boy occasionally breaks out into coded chatter that only Remus seems to understand. Remus would mumble a yes or no while he lays out the food or tries to feed Teddy, but Severus' attempts at having a polite conversation with a toddler is met with vain.
"Da said you're sick lots," Teddy says. "Did you puke on my bed? I did that, I was really sick years ago. Da cleaned it up real good with a wand."
"That was last month," Remus interrupts.
"The birds sing extra loud in mornings, they wake me up. Do they wake you up?" Teddy wonders.
Severus nods, finds himself shrugging. "I don't mind them."
"But chickens are awful all the time. Mrs Gastrell owns them and they come here to eat and be loud. A lot!" Teddy flails, then babbles where he imitates a rooster crowing, then somehow ends up asking, "Serbus, you eat the morning food Da makes?"
"If I suppose 'morning food' is 'breakfast', and yes, your Da has been cooking," Severus tells him.
"He burns sausages, but don't say," Teddy whispers to him loudly, cupping his mouth in an attempt to keep a secret. "Mum says me shouldn't tell."
"I'll keep that in mind," Severus whispers back, unable to resist.
"Are you conspiring against me?" Remus asks, raising his eyebrow at his son and Severus. "No conspiring against the cook."
"Then perhaps I should cook for you," Severus challenges, which Remus meets with a surprised smile.
"What's conspaying?" Teddy wonders.
Remus wipes the last of the potatoes from his son's face as he explains, "It's when you have two people planning to trick someone else."
"Is it bad?"
Remus meets Severus' gaze, and his expression softens. "Not all the time," he says softly, "as long as it's for keeping something else safe."
Severus ducks his head, feeling flushed and grateful without entirely knowing why.
Severus insists that he will sleep in the couch while Teddy take over his own bed, but Remus refuses, declaring he will instead take the couch. Eventually, they agree that Teddy will sleep in his father's room with a cot that they set up, while Severus continues sleeping in his own bed. Severus stays to wash the dishes while Remus tries to coax Teddy to prepare for bedtime.
Teddy returns briefly for a good-night hug, which stuns Severus. He acquiesces, but only because Remus politely pretends he is fixing the photo frames on the wall--yet unable to keep the fond smile out of his face.
Severus is about to retreat to the bedroom when Remus staggers back, his limbs already showing the familiar twitching. Severus quietly fetches the potion from the cupboard and hands it to him, which he tosses back immediately with a grimace.
"I have too many medications affecting my body," Remus declares woefully. "Perhaps it is time to indulge myself. Would you like a bottle of nettle wine?"
Severus frowns. "Will it not affect the potion?"
"I don't really care right now." Remus wordlessly takes a bottle and casts a chilling charm. The bottle hovers into the air as it pours into the glasses Remus produces. Severus accepts one of them.
Remus looks out the window. "It's a pity it's almost winter, it would be nice to sit outside for a drink."
"It will undoubtedly only make you more maudlin," Severus remarks.
Remus smiles. "I've missed you," he says, then shakes his head. "More because of what I suggested yesterday, and I apologise. Your life is your own."
It makes Severus awkward--mostly because he had every intention of simply ignoring the matter. "I...it's fine," he replies stiffly. "I, too...I wasn't thinking when I responded." You make me act irrationally, he thinks, and wonders if it was also true before.
Remus looks at his drink thoughtfully. "You remember some things, at least?" he asks softly. Severus stiffens; they've had bits and pieces of this conversation before, but Remus hasn't always been this forward. "What parts do you remember?"
It takes a moment before Severus finally replies, "Bits and pieces here and there...almost none from my childhood. The mind--it is a complicated thing, especially for wizards. You may flick your hand without remembering a spell, but your clothes may catch on fire. Or you may take a potion that will erase your thoughts, but still have remnants of a feeling, even when there is no explanation for their basis. I remember my..." Severus clears his throat. "I remember my childhood home. It wasn't pleasant, and when I picture it, I feel such hatred, though I can't imagine why..."
Remus only sips his wine, so Severus feels it is safe to continue, recalling, "I cannot recall everything that happened to me in St Mungo's, nor the years before that, but I remember her--all of them--telling me it that the potions was for the best. Although I fought them, I couldn't recall a time when I didn't believe what they said were true. So it is that feeling, a ghost of a memory that is already removed, tells me that I remember something, and that they can be trusted."
"I know people who've completely lost their memories on who they are," Remus recalls. "They are mostly all the better--they're...happier. More content. So why do you have these feelings?"
"Who's to say I am not happy now?" Severus raises his eyebrow at him. Remus looks amazed, then pleased. "You surprise me, Remus. First, you push me to asking authorities for help in recovering my memories, but now you point out that I will be happier without them."
"My only hope is that you are happy," Remus tells him quietly. "I did not mean to push, and again, I apologise. I only thought...well, I believed that to be happy means you have resolved many things in your past and strove for a goal beyond that. I can see it is not necessary for everyone."
"Perhaps it is not meant for me," Severus agrees.
Remus pours the last of the wine with a sad expression. "It's just...you were...well." He tosses the last drop in his glass and stands. "I believe I have reached my limit. You were right--wine does affect the potion." He staggers off to bed, but pauses at the entryway, admitting sadly, "I do miss you, Severus."
"I'm right here," Severus whispers back.
"Not all of you," Remus says, and he disappears through the hallway and into his bedroom.
Severus stays there for a long time.
Teddy's presence doesn't put a damper on their schedule, although Severus finds Teddy joining him when he takes a walk outside, or interrupting his reading to ask what the story is about. Remus tries to tell the boy that he shouldn't bother Severus, but Severus decides that he should try to foster the child's interest.
Of course, Teddy's attention is quickly diverted if Severus tries to explain which chapter of Olde and Forgotten Bewitchments and Charmes is the most interesting.
When Severus expresses an interest in taking a walk, Teddy volunteers to guide him through the familiar trails. "I walk with Da if he wants," he explains.
"Where you end up getting tired and insisting we return. Then I'll end up carrying you since you'll insist on being grumpy," Remus remarks, amused.
"I promise no grumpy today," Teddy tells him solemnly.
He is the first one to zoom out the door once they are ready, although Severus calls him back with a sharp, "You haven't put on your scarf, young man!" Teddy obediently returns and lets Severus wound a colourful scarf around his neck. "Now, remember you promised you'll hold my hand and tell me about the places," he adds sternly.
"Won't!" Teddy declares cheerfully. Remus casts a heating charm on his clothes, and they are off.
True to his word, Teddy doesn't let go of Severus' hand, and every time he gets distracted, he tries to drag Severus along with him, especially when they get to the famous Mrs Gastrell's house. Teddy watches the chickens running on the charmed yard while Remus introduces Severus to the old lady.
"Handsome fellow you have for a guest," Mrs Gastrell says while she peers up to Severus. "Largest nose I've ever seen on a face."
Remus sputters back, "W-well, it's certainly--"
"I had to grew into it," Severus interrupts, smirking. "It admittedly took me a while to come to appreciate it. You know what they say about men with big noses..."
Mrs Gastrell throws back her head to laugh. "I certainly do know! My old husband had an even bigger one." She waggles her greying eyebrows at Remus. "And you appreciate that, don't you, Remus?"
Severus congratulates himself at the sight of Remus' red face and his frantic flails. Mrs Gastrell only laughs and pinches his cheeks, then sharply clucks her tongue at Teddy when he tries to levitate a chicken by throwing one across the yard.
Remus loans him Moste Potente Potions, saying Severus should re-read this since he mentioned he remembers brewing potions. Going through the book is almost like half-remembering a dear friend, and he goes through a textbook Advanced Potion-Making in only one afternoon.
Remus comments on his interest in the books, which Severus responds to with a sarcastic reply, "At least the books get read, instead of merely sitting on your bookshelf, collecting dust."
"True," Remus chuckles. "I only have them so I can have references, but I haven't necessarily read all of them."
Severus already knows that Remus is working in the Ministry of Magic, at the Department of International Magical Cooperation. It's a desk job, Remus explains in amusement one time, but he finds that he's good at analysing complicated gibberish from different countries. The different varieties of books in his bookshelf are testament to that. He's been granted a few months' leave while he finishes a book he's writing for the Ministry.
"A pity, although I can suppose that your reference being schoolbooks for deciphering international law should be worrisome," Severus points out.
Remus laughs, clutching the numerous Owl delivery he's looking into. "Not to worry, there are enough books in my cubicle as it is, almost all of them shrunken. One day, I'll probably--" He pauses when he comes upon one of his mails. Severus notices how his eyes narrow and his body tightens.
"Remus?"
Remus looks up, trying to school his face into a neutral expression, but Severus can still see some lingering anger and, possibly, resignation. "It's nothing, just some legal dealings."
Severus glimpses the St Mungo's Hospital Research Centre logo stamped on the letterhead while Remus quickly rolls the parchments and stuffs them in his robes. "Right up your alley," he comments lightly.
Remus chuckles, but it is bitter. "Not exactly, but it's worth going through," he says, and there is conviction in his voice. He looks out the window, then gives himself a shake and a rueful smile for Severus. "I'm a rather depressing sort today, aren't I?"
Not earlier, only now, Severus wants to tell him, but he keeps his silence. "You do alright," he says instead with a grudging tone.
Remus only smirks then sighs before he shoves the unrolled parchments into a cache hanging by the wall where all the bills are stored. Severus observes that Remus hesitates over the St Mungo's letter before he rolls it up and pockets it.
"If you'd like to take a walk with me, we can go into town," Remus tells him after a moment's silence. "I need to buy some milk and meat, and Eddie refuses to deliver during the winter." He must see the expression on Severus' face because he hurries on, "It's a Muggle town, so you needn't be alarmed."
Severus cringes at the patronising tone, but he's been longing to step out of his self-imposed borders--beyond Mrs Gastrell's land and the sprawling agricultural lands that surround Remus' house. The cold is bothersome but it won't start snowing until January, so Severus can still take walks without expecting hail. He wonders how Remus knows he's been itching to stretch his boundaries.
But then Remus always seems to read him quite well.
"It'll be a long walk," Severus says cautiously.
Remus brightens. "It's a small one, but you'll certainly love it. Teddy always likes getting ice-cream in a small restaurant there."
They fetch Teddy, who immediately grabs his anorak and scarf, but erupts in an argument with Remus about having to wear boots when he protests he can wear his trainers. "Charm them for warm, Da," he adds helpfully.
Remus acquiesces, seeing as the sun might make the air warmer as the afternoon progresses. They hold Teddy between them, just as they've always done, but Teddy immediately tries to squirm out of their grasp as soon as they get to an unpopulated land. He eventually manages to do so, only nodding when Remus tells him to keep in sight of them and don't run too far ahead.
"He'll get tired soon, though," Remus assures Severus. "He won't get the hang of walking in great distances until he turns three. Teddy, stop climbing that fence or a cow will eat you."
"Wicked!" Teddy's eyes shine as if being eaten by the cow is his only aspiration.
Remus sighs, but Severus cannot help the chuckle that escapes his lips. Remus gives him a sheepish glance. "I suppose you weren't as impish when you were a toddler?"
"I mostly remember my childhood, and I can never remember when I wasn't a perfect one," Severus points out with a smile.
Remus laughs. "Lily had mentioned you several times, and if her stories were true, then you both got into a great deal of trouble."
"Only when it involves pranking her sister Petunia," Severus says. It is strange to speak about Lily; she feels like a wonderful memory and a very important part of his life--but that time is over, and he can speak freely now. He ducks his head and mumbles, "I remember you."
Remus looks at him sharply. "Me?"
"I remember you as a boy in the train, and you held out your hand and told me your name. You were good in football, but you were quite daft in Quidditch. And...I remember your friends." Severus looks up.
Remus' expression is unreadable, but Severus is glad to see some regret in his eyes. "Do you remember everything? About James and Sirius...Peter...?"
"Not all of them, but I suppose it's enough," Severus admits. "But I do know...they were important to you. In retrospect, everything you did was for them. I don't have all the answers with me. From the bits and pieces I remember...I like you, Remus Lupin."
Remus must sense his poignant thoughts, because he reaches out to squeeze Severus' arm. "I'm glad not everything was taken from you," he tells him quietly. "Getting you out when I did was worth everything."
Severus is having a hard time understanding what Remus is saying, especially when Remus steps close, then closer still. Severus doesn't even try to get away, and he only stands frozen on the spot, choosing only to tilt his head when Remus leans into his space, his entire body pressing against Severus.
Then their lips meet, and Severus has a close his eyes because Remus' lips are dry, the angle is awkward, and the heat is almost unbearably contrasting to the November chill. But Remus pulls back and shifts closer, and suddenly it is perfect--too perfect that Severus feels a moan building in his throat and he puts his arms around Remus' neck to pull him closer...
Remus pulls back first, and there is a small smile on his lips, even when he calls out hoarsely, "Teddy, stop trying to climb that tree."
"'Kay, Da," comes Teddy's resigned shout.
Severus laughs and leans to kiss Remus again. They continue exchanging small ones until Teddy yells in exasperation, "Stop kissing so we can walk and go ice-cream!"
And it startles a laugh from both adults that they break away and turn to the Teddy, who is glaring at them expectantly. When they start walking, Remus' hand slides down Severus' arm and catches his hand so their fingers intertwine. Severus cannot help his blush, but he gives Remus a smirk.
"Definitely worth it," Remus murmurs when he nuzzles Severus' neck.
Severus doesn't try to pull away.
There are no big changes; Severus doesn't move out of the room although he and Remus spend a lot of time sitting together in the lounge or even playing chess when Teddy is already asleep. Remus often kisses him before they sleep, and Severus instigates it, which ends up with them frustrated from rubbing at each other through their clothes--but always conscious of the possibility of being hears.
Sometimes, Teddy is cranky and constantly pushes to extend his bed-time, but Remus almost never approves. Severus gets used to trying to discipline Teddy, especially when the boy turns to him for help. He figures he should trust Remus' parenting skills.
Remus' ex-wife doesn't visit anymore, although she Fire-calls them a lot, mostly to talk with Teddy. Teddy tells Severus that she's on assignment somewhere in Cork because she's an Auror. However, as several days pass, Severus realises that Remus is getting into more conversations with her, and he usually ends the exchange looking grim.
One particular night when Remus ends the conversation well after Severus has put Teddy to bed, he finally ventures, "Is something the matter?"
Remus only rushes past him to gulp down the potion Severus hands to him. They wait for the usual shaking to subside before Remus sighs and shakes his head. "Dora and I are discussing our situation," he says. "Or arguing about it, as it's always the case between us."
Severus waits for anything else, but he can't help the disappointment in his voice as he says, "Well, I wouldn't want to get in the way of--"
"Sit down, Severus," Remus interrupts wearily, watching Severus take his seat. "It's just an old discussion about our arrangement. She's still in Cork and it looks like her assignment is getting longer, but she's offered...well." He sighs. "I should probably start in the beginning."
Severus merely sneers, "Perhaps it will be efficient."
"Don't be difficult, please," Remus says quietly, but his eyes flash. "Before anything else, I will have to say that I am a Werewolf."
Severus shoots up so quickly that his chair overturns--all of a sudden barraged by vivid images before him: walking through a dark tunnel, a rickety house, shouts, "Serverus, watch out!" and a large wolf barraging towards him--
"Severus," a voice cuts through snarls, and it is Remus'. Severus blinks, realises that he is far away from the table, white-knuckled hands gripping the edge of the sink tightly. He closes his head, trying to distance himself from the worry in Remus' voice and the Werewolf's roar in his hand. "Are you alright...?"
"I..." Severus starts, but can't finish. "Have you taken the Wolfsbane potion yet?"
"No," Remus whispers after a long moment. "It's...I can't take it since it does not work if I take the Inexcitus potion."
"And you choose the Inexcitus." Severus looks away.
"Severus."
Memories can be cruel, but crueler is Remus' voice uttering his name. Now that he lives with Remus and his son, now that he has conversed with this man and has held his hand in occasion, and now that he recognises that Remus' tone is the same tone he used that time when Severus had lain in his hospital bed and begged Remus to take him away...
"Tell me why, then," he says in a voice unlike his own. "Why you would choose something else when the Wolfsbane lets you keep your mind."
"I have a son--"
"You can kill him!" Severus hisses.
"He almost always stays with Dora or his grandmum, but Dora's out on assignment in Cork and Andromeda's in France..." Remus' voice sounds crushed when he goes on, "I'd thought he might be better with you."
"I'm not a viable option!" Severus snarls. "Tell me why you would choose the Inexcitus!"
"Because I have to!" Remus shouts back. "Because I have to choose between a potion that lets me control my mind and a potion that lets me control my limbs! Because I have a son and he's worth living for, and I have a potion that lets me live without my mind for a few nights rather than keeping my mind while I try to gnaw my legs off! And I trust you, Severus, if you..."
Remus abruptly quietens as if he has revealed too much, but it only makes Severus angrier. "I am not to blame for your choices!" he hisses.
"No," Remus replies, and the sadness is back in his voice. "You just don't want to be a part of it."
They don't look at each other for a long time.
The next day is awkward. Remus insists on removing the heating charms from his garden, and what may be done in a few hours extends towards the short afternoon. Severus finishes reading Moste Potente Potions and dines either alone or with Teddy. Teddy must notice the coolness between the adults as strives to entertain himself the entire day.
They dine supper together, however, and Teddy fills the silence with chatters about his made-up stories that day, then has a half-hearted argument with Remus concerning his pyjamas. Finally, Remus tucks him into bed and returns to read a book while Severus cleans the kitchen.
He has only finished drying the plates by hand when he turns, seeing Remus with his tremors but trying not to look miserable. "I should--" he starts, and looks grateful when Severus hands him the Inexcitus potion silently.
As soon as the cork on the bottle is replaced, Severus tells him, "I should leave. Now."
Remus automatically responds scathingly, "And do you have anywhere to go?" But then he sighs, doesn't wait for Severus' reply. "Of course. I don't even know why I...Can you at least say good-bye to Teddy?"
"I mustn't."
"Please." Remus' voice cracks, and it is so similar to the voice in the recesses of Severus' memory: Remus as a young boy, not quite a man, begging Severus to please, just...please, listen to me, Snape, I was...will you... It is the same Remus telling Severus, "If you are even a bit grateful for being taken away from the hospital, then please just say good-bye to him."
Severus meets his eyes and sees the keen sadness etched on the weary lines of Remus' face. He swallows heavily, then nods. "Alright."
"Thank you, Severus."
His name tumbling from Remus' lips is still a plea, but Severus ignores him and only walks past.
Teddy is snoring lightly when Severus kneels down next to his cot. He watches the child for a while, tries to conjure memories of his own that may help ease this farewell to Teddy, but there is only a blank wall painted with monster Werewolves.
Severus shakes Teddy gently. "Teddy," he murmurs, "Teddy, can you open your eyes for just a moment?"
Teddy takes a sharp breath--that moment when children are woken unexpectedly--but he takes so long to respond that Severus is afraid he has fallen asleep again. "Serbus?" he finally whispers groggily. "S'it breakfast time?"
"No, it's not," Severus replies gently, running his hand over the boy's blond hair. "I just wanted to say good-bye."
"Oh, 'kay," Teddy mumbles. "See you in tomorrow."
The lump in Severus' throat grows bigger. "Teddy...Teddy, I might not come back anytime soon."
Teddy opens his eyes, but there is a certain awareness in his sleepy eyes. "S'it 'cos of Da's cooking?" he asks, finally sitting up. "'Cos...if it's..."
"It's not that, but I need to leave tonight," Severus whispers. "I know it hurts now but I promise you it'll get easier and that you'll forget me soon."
"I won't forget," Teddy whispers, then his eyes start to water. "Is it...'cos I said I wanted my bed again? I like it here, you can have my bed. I'm too little to fit--"
Severus gathers him in his arms and shushes him, telling him over and over, "It's not your fault, it's never your fault," until Teddy falls asleep in exhaustion. He kisses the top of his head because he can at least admit he's grown fond of the boy, and it hurts to recognise that despite the tears, Teddy shan't even remember him--not the way Severus remembers him.
When he tucks Teddy back into bed, he turns to find Remus watching from the doorway before he turns to leave. Severus follows him in front of the fireplace.
"If you want to wait until morning," Remus begins.
But Severus interrupts, "It's probably best that I leave now."
Remus only nods, doesn't ask if Severus would want to pack anything. When he took him from the hospital, all Severus had were the patients' robes he wore, and even that is already gone. Severus knows Remus is thinking about this. "I've called in some favours, and one of your oldest friends is expecting you, if you wish. He lives in Number Four Upper Street, Salisbury."
"Will I remember him?" Severus wonders.
Remus smiles wryly. "More than you'll probably ever remember me, and likely with more fondness."
Severus turns to the fireplace, but he pauses before he turns to Remus. He tells him stiffly, "Thank you for your kindness. I truly benefited from your Gryffindor trait and I realise I cannot wholly repay you for getting me out of St Mungo's."
"You owe me nothing," Remus tells him fiercely, eyes finally flashing with something more than sadness. "I have no need for your debts. I've had enough of them for a lifetime, and I've seen people suffer enough because of it."
Severus swallows and nods. He looks away and takes a handful of Floo powder. "Then good-bye, Lupin." He flings the powder into the fireplace before Remus can respond. "Number Four Upper Street, Salisbury."
When the green dust stops stinging his eyes, Severus finds a thin blond man sneering before him.
"So the fairy tale ends when the sleeping princess saved by the heroic prince finds out that happily ever is a mere nightmare," Draco Malfoy says snidely.
Severus' memory may not provide him with the rest of the picture, but it is likely self-preservation that lets him rebuild suppressed shields when he regards his godson. "Hello, Draco. Thank you for having me."
Draco wakes up at past noon, stumbling into the kitchen where Severus is drinking tea and perusing The Daily Prophet and some Muggle papers. The young man grabs his coffee press, practically slashing his wand through the air in order to make it work. Then he collapses on the chair across Severus, his face planted on the table.
"Is there breakfast?" he moans.
"I've already had lunch, thank you," Severus replies absently, but he takes pity of the boy and brings out food: sausages, eggs, cold porridge and an already-old toast.
Draco watches him take it from the counter where Severus had deposited it earlier, one eyebrow raised. "Don't you have your wand?"
"I haven't been out to purchase a new one," Severus replies shortly. "Hence, the paper."
"You're looking for work." Draco sounds flabbergasted as he inspects the parts that Severus has highlighted and put aside. "Librarian? Store keeper? Many of these are disturbingly Muggle, Severus."
"I'm a half-blood," Severus replies firmly, surprising himself with how easy it rolls out of his tongue. It feels like a great weight has been lifted from his shoulders.
Draco is silent for a moment, eating his toast whilst he pokes the paper with his wand. "I'll probably have to get used to hearing you say that," he says quietly. "But I...believe it says a lot about why you're, well, you."
"I hope it's to your satisfaction," Severus snaps harshly.
Draco raises his hands defensively, saying, "I don't mean anything, only that it makes sense, now that I think about it. It's been a year since the war ended, and I've had a lot of thinking to do." He is silent for a moment, then says, "Father is in Azkaban."
"I apologise," Severus murmurs quietly.
"Nothing you did, it was all him." The young man only waves his hand, but Severus can see that it still haunts him. "I visit when I can, but he urges me to save myself. Who would have thought that my father would have a martyr bone in his body?"
"A father can do surprising things for his son." The words tumble out of Severus' lips, and his mind is filled with Remus' found eyes watching Teddy.
Draco only shrugs. The silence stretches between them for a long time before he swallows some of his eggs. He pokes the paper again. "These jobs you're considering are based or near Kent."
"What of it?" Severus asks grabbing some of the crumpled newspapers out of his way.
"Remus Lupin lives in Kent," Draco replies without looking up. "And you burnt your sausages."
"Just eat them," Severus retorts wearily, an answer to both statements.
Two weeks pass, in which Severus keeps his eye on the calendar. He sleeps badly during the nights of the full moon, but neither The Daily Prophet nor The Quibbler report hint of Werewolf attacks.
He finds himself thinking mostly of Teddy during his days in-between. Severus knows from experience that children hardly remember events that happen previous to their fourth year of age, but Severus still feels guilty for the nature of his departure.
He tries harder not to think of Remus.
Although Draco offers to help him look for Wizarding jobs or apprenticeships, Severus isn't confident with his potion-making abilities. He remembers loving Potions Class, getting O's in exams, and he even has dark memories of brewing questionable substances that he knew may be used to render someone immobile, or even kill them. Yet, like cooking and other activities, they are instinctive, and without the equipment for practice nor the money to buy them, he knows he would be better off in a Muggle employment.
Living with Remus and Teddy sheltered him in many ways. He passes through Ashford Street one afternoon, where he finds many Wizards and Witches mingling with Muggles giving him looks that range from curiosity to hatred. One such man hauls him off the street and tries to drag him to an alleyway. Severus' first instincts are to grab his wand but, finding it missing, starts yelling instead. A policeman catches sight of them, and it probably surprises Severus' assailant enough that he leaves with only a harsh, "Murderer, how can you live with yourself?"
It's easy without memories, Severus wants to tell him, but he doesn't know if it's true or not.
Nevertheless, he is accepted in a job stocking books and cataloguing them in a Muggle bookshop. He gives them Remus' Muggle address, but gains permission from a near-by Wizarding shop to use their store fireplace for his commute.
He tells himself the only reason why he didn't give them Draco's address is because it would be strange to apply for employment in the area when he is currently living in Salisbury.
Then one day, Harry Potter enters the shop.
The name, the face and the fucking voice simply slice through Severus' head, and he almost blacks out with the intensity. When he finally manages to get his breathing in control, he limps to the backroom where the dust makes his nose twitch and his eyes run.
It is better than the alternative.
Harry Potter has been such an important part of his life that it makes Severus ache in so many ways: lost years, blank memories of inconsequential exchanges that were either trite or easily dismissed. But the gaping hole in his head is too apparent and too deep that it cannot be ignored.
He listens absently to Potter's voice--deeper now, and more grown-up--chat with the shop owner. There is no change in his voice volume so he doesn't mind when the door to the backroom is pushed open.
Only it is Teddy Lupin staring at him.
"Hullo, Serbus," he says carefully, picking at his robes.
"Teddy, I--"
"You said I'll forget but I haven't so it's okay to see you, right, 'cos I haven't forget yet!" Teddy declares, finally looking up at him. "So you can still come back until I forget you. You can come back."
"Oh, Teddy, I can't," Severus says mournfully.
Teddy starts breaking into tears, throwing himself into Severus' arms as he sobs. "I'll be good," he promises, his face red and tears falling down his face. "You tell Da so he gets better, and promise I'll cook so he won't burn sausages so--"
"Remus is sick?" A cold feeling washes over Severus' body, and he automatically comforts the boy.
A shadow from the shop falls over them, and Harry Potter fills the doorway, his expression murderous. "Get away from him, you slimey git," he spits out, grabbing Teddy from him, which only makes Teddy wail louder. "He's not your concern!"
"Wait!" Severus grabs Harry's arm before he turns away. "He said--is Remus sick? Is he okay?"
"What do you care?" Harry hissed, but his expression changes at Severus' devastated gaze. He rolls his eyes. "The bas...the man took Wolfsbane and ended up tripping over his own legs and his limbs shaking because of his pain." He peers at Severus' stunned look and adds slowly, "He did tell you he's a Werewolf, right?"
Severus clears his throat. "He did mention it. Is he alright?"
"Confined in St Mungo's, but he'll be out in a day." Harry shushes Teddy, who has now lapsed into sniffs and hiccoughs before continuing softly, "Look, Snape, I don't know everything about what happened to you in St Mungo, and I don't know why you and Remus had a row, but I know that look. Please don't visit him in the hospital. It's dangerous for you, and it will only distress him."
"Is someone looking out for him?"
"As much as we can spread out. He'll be fine," Harry goes on curtly. "And we'd best be leaving. Say good-bye to Severus, Teddy."
"I won't," Teddy declares stubbornly, his cheeks red and stained with tears.
Severus' stomach drops but Harry only shrugs. "I tried," he says pragmatically.
"Good-bye, Teddy," Severus says.
"You already said that!" Teddy accuses just as the shop door closes behind him and Harry.
Janet from the counter walks up to him. "Your partner got the friends when you divorced, huh?" she asks, cracking her gum.
"Shut up," Severus mutters, and renders himself unavailable to any further comments.
"Someone has come to visit and won't leave my sherry alone," Draco demands as soon as Severus steps out of the fireplace.
Severus practically tangles himself in his coat in his hurry to remove it, but his excitement drains when he sees the visitor. It is not Remus nor Teddy, but the face still makes him frown.
A tall man unfolds himself from the couch, smoothing his green robes over his figure. It is easily recognisable as a St Mungo's Healer uniform. "Good evening, Professor," he greets.
Severus frowns. He doesn't like the silky smile on the man's face, but he still gives a courteous nod. "Good evening. You are...?" He is tired and worried about Remus and Teddy; he doesn't have to waste time playing with this man's games.
But the man's smile only widens. "I am delighted you can't remember me. One of my apprentices visited you a few weeks ago on my account. My name is Zacharias Smith."
"Hufflepuff," Draco notes sourly.
Severus can't recall the boy's name from his list of students in Hogwarts, but he can suddenly place Smith standing by his bedside, instructing another Healer that, "Snape is good in Occlumency, so the potion must target each of those walls to bring them down and attack what's behind them." Severus tries to massage his temple. He is very tired. "What do you want?" he asks tiredly.
"I just wanted to check on you," Smith replies, holding up his empty hands. The lack of wand doesn't reassure Severus. "You were one of my most favourite patient, and I missed you."
"You're in your bloody first year of apprenticeship, how can you be a Healer?" Draco challenges.
Smith's eyes flash when he turns to the man. "An apprenticeship doesn't entail the entire craft but may also focus on research, and I've worked very hard to get where I am now." He sniffs and adds snidely, "Unlike other people."
"Your looks didn't exactly help," Draco replies, seemingly unaffected and bored.
†"What do you want?!" Severus demands again when Smith looks like he's about to snarl a reply.
His old student turns to him again, his composure obviously ruffled. "It looks like the prototype of the Oblitus Potion is working. That is all I wanted to see, professor, so I now bid you adieu." He nods and walks towards the fireplace, but Severus blocks his way.
"Were you the one who had my memories erased?" Severus demands.
Smith sniffs, face sour as if he was insulted. "I don't expect you to remember, Professor Snape, but you begged St Mungo to remove them. The potion we followed was yours, untested, untried, and nearly perfect. So it's no use crying over spilt milk. You've had no-one to blame but yourself."
"I wouldn't," Severus says, his voice low.
"Harry Potter begs to differ," Smith replies smugly, but he turns back just as one foot is in the fireplace. "Oh, and I suppose you may now tell Professor Lupin that now he has rescinded being your caretaker, he is again eligible for pilot test for victims afflicted with the Cruciatus curse."
"What--" Severus starts, but Smith has already thrown Floo dust into the fireplace and, with a puff of dust and a muffled shout, he is gone.
When Draco has finally had enough and explodes, "I don't know, Severus! Why don't you just go straight to the source?!", Severus decides to do just that.
Unfortunately, he has to wait until the next day and for Draco to leave the flat, which he only does at around 10pm. Severus can't imagine where he would want to go when December's winter winds have rolled in, but then Draco is a young, impressionable boy trying to re-affirm his life after the war. It's not an awful way to cope.
He hesitates when it comes to dealing with the Floo Network. Although he uses it everyday for work, every journey makes him more weary and dizzy. He wishes there are other ways to communicate with Remus. An owl is ideal, but he doesn't want to impose on Draco's eagle owl. If he still has a wand he can produce his Patronus, but then his happiest memory will not be the same, so Remus will not recognise his creature.
Finally, he gathers enough nerves to hurl Floo powder into the fireplace. Severus calls out haltingly, "Remus? It's Severus. I wish to speak with you."
There is no answer for a long time until Remus' voice floats back from the fireplace: "Come on, then."
Severus steps into the fireplace and stumbles onto the floor of Remus' living room, trying to stop his head from spinning. Remus is quickly beside him, leading him to the couch. "I see your head is still bothering you," he says quietly.
"I see you're still making meaningless observations," Severus replies quickly. He sees the flash of annoyance in Remus' face, and Severus holds up his hands. "I apologise, that was uncalled for."
"It was concern," Remus still feels the need to point out. He sighs. "I heard from Harry that Teddy saw you yesterday. I hope you didn't visit because of him."
"I didn't." Severus hesitates, amends, "Not only because of him, although I hope he's alright."
"He's coping, although I will have to say he's not here at the moment," Remus says tersely. "Dora has agreed to take him while I recuperate...look, why'd you come here?"
Serverus looks down into his lap, trying to find the words to say but only managing, "Somebody visited me today. I know he was one of the...people who handled my case in St Mungo's. But I don't remember actually being his professor."
"It's a side-effect of the potion, I suppose."
"He told me that you are now again eligible to be part of the on-going research on potions that may help cure the Cruciatus." Remus is unable to hide his sharp breath intake, which spurs Severus to go on, "What did you do?"
Remus stands abruptly, and it's only then that Severus notices how his fingers are twitching uncontrollably right before Remus shoves them into his robes. Remus looks away, his face lined with shame. "You were right," he says quietly. "I realised I have a son, and I should not forego taking Wolfsbane when I have a responsibility. It's better than..."
"Stop," Severus orders harshly. "Take your...take the blasted Inexcitus so we can talk."
"Severus..."
But Severus is already taking the bottle from the cupboard, where it still stands. There are only a few bottles left, and he makes a mental note to remind Remus to restock before he offers it to Remus. He takes it eagerly, as if Severus has given him all the permission he needs.
They wait for Remus' limbs to right themselves, wherein Remus murmurs, "There, that's better."
"You look tired," Severus blurts out. Remus' eyes are sunken, and his arms are in bandages. There are scratches on his face and on his neck; Severus is willing to bet there are more hidden under his clothes.
Remus looks surprised, but he smiles. "I've been better, but you needn't worry. I'm recovering quite well." He must see the doubt on Severus' face because he goes on gently, "I wasn't going to stop using Inexcitus potion forever, Severus, only during the days when I'm supposed to drink Wolfbane."
"Then why weren't you going to drink one now?"
At this, Remus looks a bit ashamed. "The potion is free because the chronic condition was a result of the war, but I've become more dependent, and I need more." He sighs, flicks his wand so cups, saucers, spoons and a tin of tea leaves float to the table. "I've thought of weaning myself off the addiction little by little, but..."
"What about the test that will help people suffering from the Cruciatus?"
Remus gives him a sidelong glance as he pours hot water onto their cups. "Who was this friend who visited you?" he asks instead.
"Zacharias Smith," Severus replies.
"I remember him," Remus muses. "He was quite intelligent, but his interest in DADA class was focused on the lasting effects of the curses. I've heard he continued his education in Durmstrang and dedicated himself to Potions."
"I don't remember him at all," Severus admits.
"I'm not too surprised at that. Dora and Harry gave me a copy of the report--all they could trace with the Ministry of Magic and St Mungo's supposed research endeavour. Zacharias Smith was focused on 'reforming war criminals'. For someone so young, he managed to produce what they're calling the Oblitus Potion--targeting the entire mind."
"That's impossible," Severus interrupts. "The Obliviate charm is enough to do so."
"Like you said, the memory is a very complex thing. Obliviate can remove a specific event, but to target everything can produce persistent damage but still ensure the person is functional...well, that has only every produced one person--and the wand casting it was defective." They both share a smile at the memory of Gilderoy Lockhart.
But Severus' finally says, "Your obvious avoidance of the topic that Smith opened is highly suspect. Why?"
"You shouldn't think of it as anything, Severus," Remus hurriedly assures him. "Werewolves are quick to heal, but the Cruciatus curse, when inflicted on someone, can still wreak intense damage. Especially when the torture is non-stop for hours." He speaks as if he is in a trance, reading a book on the issue. "When a person is cursed, the mind is also damaged, so they forget. Victims can lose memories of their precious memories, but because I am a Werewolf, my body could withstand and heal from the pain, protecting my mind. It was only during hours of torture wherein the spell does not stop, did my body begin to break down."
Severus reaches out to grab his hand, holds on even when Remus flinches violently and tries to snatch it back. His thumb caresses the soft space at the end of Remus' thumb--soothing, as if caring for a child. Slowly, Remus' eyes regain their focus, and he gives Severus a grateful smile.
"St Mungo's has a research area that is...more known, and less shadowy than Smith's work," Remus finally goes on haltingly. "It's headed by another student of yours, Millicent Bullstrode." Severus nods; he remembers her. "She's brilliant, too, and working on potions that focus on the effects of the Cruciatus curse. Needless to say, my being a Werewolf could provide a unique input, so I was put in the programme earlier on as a subject. Millicent has gone a long way, and she's managed to fix a potion that can help stop my chronic shaking for at least a few months or so."
Remus pauses, takes a sip of his tea. Severus moves to remove his hand from Remus', but Remus only holds on to his, as if Severus is a lifeline. It doesn't bother him, and it moves Remus to continue.
He tells him that Severus served in the Second Voldemort War as a double spy, that he had defended Potter without his knowledge, that this action caused a lot of pain from many parties, but was also essential. He tells Severus how Voldemort eventually came to gain more power, how Severus had helped a group called The Order of the Phoenix, how Dumbledore died--how Severus killed him (and here, Severus tries not to weep, because now the nightmares make sense)--how during the Battle of Hogwarts, only a mere year ago, Severus was caught as a spy and struck by Nagini's poisonous bite. How Harry took the vial of Pensieve memories and finally learned more.
Remus adds how Severus was found, barely alive, in the Forbidden Forest. Only Potter, Shacklebolt, and a few knew about him, and when they learned from Potter that Severus kept his memories in a vial, some Aurors dug out an already-forgotten project during the First Voldemort War: to help reform prisons through erasing their memories.
"I found your records in St Mungo's accidentally," Remus admits. "On the desk of my temporary Healer who was part of Smith's project. I read what they've been doing...the experiments to your memories, how they manipulated it to assume your 'reformed citizen status'. I was furious and even more furious when Smith told me that the formula was originally yours. I couldn't bear to think that you would do that to yourself." Remus' expression conveys his sadness, and it makes Severus' heart lurch. "I admit I wasn't thinking straight. I demanded to see you, and you were simply a shell of yourself. You weren't even smiling, not even looking at anything.
"You begged me to take you away, and how could I refuse? You're Severus Snape, a war hero, a spy for dangerous missions, and you were a friend, no matter what you may have thought. I demanded for your release, and Smith agreed to let you out onto my care. But in return for the paperwork, I had to rescind all my involvement in Millicent's project."
Severus is silent for a long moment. When it is clear that Remus is done speaking, he finally says, "Why didn't you simply ask your friends? Even your wife..."
"Ex-wife, and I did. Harry was livid, but Kingsley was more cautious. He wanted to learn more information about the Aurors who signed on his behalf in order to get Smith's research rolling. You could be released to an Auror's care, but you weren't responding to anyone except me. Even then, it took you a couple of days to regain some of your senses."
Severus stands and starts to pace the kitchen. "You shouldn't have done what you--"
"Severus," Remus interrupts before Severus can say anything else, "it was an honour to do it for you, a fellow war survivor, and more so, as a friend. And you made life delightful in this house while Teddy was with Dora. And you learned to care for him, too."
Severus looks down to his shoes. "I remember some bits about being in Hogwarts," he admits. "I remember Potter...James saving me in the tunnel. I remember Lily most of all, and I remember Black and Pettigrew, and even you. But I couldn't reconcile it with you now, being a werewolf and a father at the same time. And I...I may have overreacted."
"You didn't," Remus replies gently. "I would be surprised if you hadn't reacted as such."
"Because I haven't felt that way for a long time," Severus says hurriedly. "Hated you for being a Werewolf, I mean. I know that over the years, I've come to see worse monsters, ones that had neither conscience, nor remorse over their actions, and I know you wouldn't be so irresponsible as to put your child in danger."
"I knew he wouldn't be in danger if he was with you," Remus replies quietly.
"That...scared me," Severus confesses in an almost inaudible voice. "That you would completely trust me with a child you love when I cannot even trust my own mind, my own self. I didn't want to accept the responsibility, so I threw it back to you."
"I apologise. It was unfair of me to expect that from you, especially when you've taken care of others so long--"
"But I wanted to," Severus interrupts. "I wanted to be responsible for him, and I wanted to be there when you come home, to care for you when I know you wouldn't be taking Wolfsbane and would likely end up bloody and mangled and...I wanted all that, but I didn't know if I was ready to take it."
"Are you ready now?" Remus ventures gently.
Severus shakes his hand and resists crossing his arms defensively. But he decidedly meets Remus' eyes. "I don't think I will be responsible for a very long time. I don't know if you even like me for the person I am now, or because you remember Severus Snape from the past."
Remus stands before him, arms wrapping around Severus' waist. It feels good for Severus to lean into his touch, to rest his head on Remus' shoulder. In his mind, he can remember a time when he would never accept this weakness, but he is older now and too tired. He wants to take the memories he still have and hold onto them, but he also wants to make new memories.
Preferably ones where Remus and Teddy will be in them.
"I'm not ready for everything," Severus murmurs, "but I can get there little by little. If you want it, if you'll wait, then I'll..."
Remus plants a kiss on his cheek, and Severus feels him smile against his neck. "When you decide you still want us when you get there, then I can wait," he promises.
Severus turns his head, leans forward to catch Remus' lips into a kiss. His fingers trace Remus' cheeks, brushing against his hair, his cheek, his jawline until Remus pushes him back against the sink, arms tightening around Severus to draw him closer.
Remus pulls back long moments later, and Severus doesn't care that a whine at the back of his throat forms. It makes Remus chuckle, and he coaxes, "Come to bed with me."
Severus' voice catches in his throat and he looks up, sees Remus' eyes dark with lust. He can feel Remus' hands skimming over the sensitive lines of his back, making Severus arch against him. Nevertheless, he almost looks away, but Remus only continues, "I'll keep my hands to--well, no, I'll promise no such thing. But nothing has to happen. It's up to you, Severus."
Severus closes his eyes briefly, wonders if there is anything else to be afraid of. But he feels no fear here, none of the expectations that he knows people will have of him--or that he has for himself. He grabs Remus' arms before the other man slides away. "I want to stay," he says.
The sheer conviction in his voice must be obvious when Remus smiles and they go side-by-side to the bedroom.
Severus rents an old flat nearer to his place of employment during a weekend right before the Christmas holidays. Draco expresses his disappointment that Severus is not moving in with Remus.
"I'll still be with him most hours anyway," Severus points out.
"I'd expect if you love someone, you'd want to be with them all the time," Draco says, rolling his eyes.
Severus bites the insides of his cheeks, refuses to allow that soppy word love make him smile like a lovesick girl. "Perhaps in time." He gives the young man a sharp glance. "And that's not a refusal for what's to come."
"Surprising," Draco allows, then admits grudgingly, "and very adult." He shrinks the last of Severus' things and puts them in his satchel. "Maybe tomorrow you'll go to Diagon Alley to have a wand refitted for you?"
"Perhaps," Severus replies grudgingly, unwilling to admit that it sounds like a good idea. He finally takes the satchel from Draco, and they walk towards the fireplace, stopping only when Severus turns to Draco. "Don't revert to your pigsty condition as soon as I leave."
"Take care of yourself, you fool." And to his surprise, Draco refuses to shake his hand, instead pulling Severus into an awkward embrace. "Thank you for all you've done, Professor Snape. It was a pleasure having you here for a few weeks. Don't hurry back."
Severus barks out a laugh, and he assures the boy, "I won't."
He steps into the fireplace and right into his new apartment. Remus and Teddy are already there to help him decorate. Teddy complains how the flat big, but why isn't there a yard to play with? Remus laughs and tells him if he wants a yard, they have that at home. Teddy answers that he still wants to play with Severus, so he'll have to visit often, so Severus must think about having a yard.
Severus cooks them some lunch. Afterwards, they sit on the couch, Remus' lap serving as Teddy's pillow when he takes his afternoon nap. Severus and Remus sit next to each other, discussing Remus' treatment in St Mungo's. The first potion evaluation is going well, but he must constantly return for closer monitoring and follow-ups, Remus tells him.
They're silent for a while, Severus pressed close into Remus' side while they bask in the weak winter light streaming from the flat windows.
Severus ventures, "I'm thinking of practicing Potions again. I've been re-reading some books and making some notes. Perhaps I believe it will do me good."
Remus nods, but Severus can see how he watches Severus closely. "You'll have to go to Wizarding apothecaries to gather ingredients, or you can opt to have them delivered."
"I would like to go to Diagon Alley again," Severus confesses. He recognises the need to go back to familiar grounds, to the Wizarding world that both saved and destroyed his life; he has to know if he can brave the streets once more. "I can get a new wand, buy some books, a new cauldron, perhaps some ingredients for potions."
Remus squeezes his hand and kisses his nape fondly. "I'll go with you," he promises, then adds, "But only if you're ready, Severus."
Severus pictures how they must look like, sitting in the lounge in the middle of a Muggle apartment, with Teddy sleeping on the couch, and them sitting together, their fingers entwined. He thinks he's getting there quite faster than he expected.
With a smile, he turns to tell Remus exactly this.