Chapter Text
7 o'clock. As the Matthews’ red SUV pulled into the parking lot of St. Mark’s Catholic Church, the bells in its tall gothic towers were already ringing out across the nearby suburban rooftops. Hayden was late. Most of the other preteens coming for CCD classes that evening had already arrived and gathered in the youth lounge. He leaned over the gear shift to give his mom a quick hug as he unbundled his seat belt, pulling out his headphones and coiling them in his pocket along with his iPod touch.
“Bye Sunshine, I'll see you after class,” she said, kissing his blonde hair, carefully fluffed up with his blow-dryer. The reason for their late arrival. Between school, soccer practice, and Confirmation classes, Hayden still had to find time to perfect his appearance, fixing his golden locks and applying his favorite strawberry chapstick.
“Bye mom!” He replied smiling, his green eyes twinkling, already sliding out of the car and running up the steps. As he turned away from the car though, his smile faded into a deadpan stare.
He ran up the steps and through the red double doors, surmounted by a tall gothic window traced in flocwering stonework. His light blue soccer shorts and gray muscle T-shirt were a little too informal against the traditional looking stone, wood, glass, and carpet of the church lobby, but for a young 12 year old kid like Hayden, most people turned a blind eye: especially just for a Wednesday night confirmation class. A few other boys in similarly casual dress were still filtering into class. Most of them were still in the white shirts and blue slacks or plaid kilts, the uniform of the nearby St. Andrew’s Catholic Academy. Even down the hall, Hayden could hear the sounds of old Father Michael calling the group to order.
Instead of turning down the hallway towards the youth lounge, however, Hayden kept going, through the atrium and past the double doors into the sanctuary. Not many adults would be at confession this early on a weekday. With his confirmation coming up in a few weeks, Hayden would have to go through the rite of reconciliation soon anyway. And he had a lot on his mind. Best of all, with Father Michael teaching down the hall, he knew that stationed in the carved wooden confessional would be the congregation's new and younger priest, Father Thomas.
For Hayden, this had a double appeal: not only was Father Thomas very attractive, he was an unknown, and even with the seal of confession, Hayden didn't want to share his sins with the family priest who baptized him and gave him his first communion. Not these particular sins, anyway. Turning 12 had brought a lot of changes, a lot of new struggles, and he was both desperate and afraid to talk to someone about them. But, not just anyone. He decided it had to be Father Thomas. A stranger, bound to secrecy, and maybe young enough to understand how he felt. Maybe.
He lingered for a moment near the back of the pews, the strangely empty sanctuary only half lit. Though it wouldn't have mattered, he didn't want anyone to see him go in, especially not one of his peers. For most of the Church's preteens, confession was less than cool: an annual nuisance at best. No one was watching him though, except the sacred Icons of the Holy Family standing at the far wall behind the altar, motionless in their alcoves. Hayden pulled back the red velvet curtain, stepped into the confessional, and knelt down. Through the holes in the wooden screen, he saw that his planning paid off. Father Thomas's handsome jawline and swoop of brown hair were visible in the shadows. Hayden swallowed nervously.
“Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been one year since my last confession.”
Technically, a lie. He knew it was ironic to lie to God in Church, in confession no less. But he was embarrassed to say he hadn't confessed since his first Holy Communion, 6 entire years ago. There hadn't been too much need. Hayden was always a good kid, his parent's shining boy, a pleasure to have in class. His mom wanted him to have a heart for the Lord, to be a good Catholic, and so he had been an altar boy for years, the image of faith and duty. His dad wanted him to be a good student and a soccer star, and so Hayden worked hard to earn his father's pride. Maybe even a little too hard. Which is what brought him to the confessional booth with his heart in his throat.
He continued. “I have… been unclean in thoughts and deeds…” Hayden blushed, fumbling to a halt again. He wasn't very good at this, it turned out.
Father Thomas smiled, the memory of being at that awkward age still fresh in the young priest's mind. “It's okay, my child. You don't need to be so formal. What's troubling you, son?”
Hayden lifted his eyes to meet the priests through the screen. His shoulders relaxed slightly as he shifted his knees on the leather padded bench. “Uh… I've been struggling a lot with. Thinking about sex a lot, Father. Lust, I guess. I just can't stop thinking about…” Hayden trailed off, his eyes wandering around the rope-carved wooden borders of the panel between the two males.
Father Thomas smiled. Hayden reminded him of himself as a preteen. Even more so, he reminded the priest of an adorable boy from his last parish, his first ever holy post. Everything about the young boy, from the slightly feminine tone he tried to hide in his voice, the way his eyes darted and lingered, even the way he tilted his head, all betrayed to the older man what he was, like a silent symphony all screaming “gay boy.” Father Thomas had been watching Hayden already, these last few weeks at mass, noticing the boy noticing him. Waiting.
“The Lord knows your heart, son. He sees all your thoughts, all of your actions, and he loves you. All you need to do is confess and repent. Unburden your conscience.”
Hayden swallowed again.
“I uh. Well I think I might be. Attracted to men. Father.”
The priest almost groaned to himself as he bit his lip. This boy was too cute. His barely restrained sexuality shot through with guilt and teen hormones. It was adorable. Father Thomas slid his hand into the waistband of his slacks, cupping his suddenly aching bulge absently.
“Ah, I see. That's no big surprise, my boy. Many men face temptations like those,” he said, trying to keep his voice level and reassuring.
While his words and tone were benign, they passed through Hayden like an electric shock down his spine. He knew he'd been right to come to Father Thomas. He'd felt some kind of solidarity in the man's eyes at mass the past few weeks since his arrival. Some kind of… knowing.
“Really? Have you ever had those, Father? Temptations about men, I mean.”
“Even men of the Lord still have a mortal flesh. Before I was a priest I committed many sins of that particular nature.” Father Thomas was practically purring by now, his hand rubbing and kneading at his bulge, growing inside his black boxers. His collar was feeling tight. “Even the Lord Jesus was tempted by the Devil. Each of us has certain burdens to bear.”
“So… you are gay, then?” Hayden asked eagerly. “I thought maybe you might be.” He felt relieved. He didn't really have any older gay men in his life, and knew he couldn't talk about these things with his real father.
“Yes, my son, that is how many people would refer to men like me,” The priest deflected with a smile. Of course, he thought, some people might refer to him as worse things. Pervert, for one. Sadist, for another. Freak. And other, darker labels.
“I think I might be gay, too, Father.” Hayden murmured. It was silly to whisper about his sexuality in a confessional. Was he afraid that God would hear him? Maybe. “I never think about girls, ever, really. But I'm always checking out every guy around me, even without trying to. My eyes just go to them… I feel like people can tell. Like, I feel like everybody else thinks I'm gay too.” Hayden was sure that people at school knew - he had been bullied at public school before going to St. Andrew's, but nothing too serious. His Dad definitely wanted him to be more masculine, one of the reasons Hayden worked hard to excel on the soccer field. It wasn't like his Dad hated fags or anything, Hayden knew his parents loved him. But he also felt they were a little disappointed in him, and the weight of that grew heavier and heavier in his heart.
“The Psalms tell us that before we were knit together in our mother's womb, Christ knew us. Our identity is a sacred gift from Him. Seek yourself in Him, and in His word, not in worldly expectations.”
“So… is it a sin then? To be gay? I mean like if I have sex with a boy will God hate me for that? Why would he make me feel this way if it's not natural?”
“Do you know how sex works? Between a man a woman I mean?” the priest purred, stroking himself. He hoped the answer was yes. He hoped Hayden wasn't a virgin, that he would confess to being touched or used by some older boy…
“Yeah… I've seen it… plus we learned in health class at my old school, before I transferred to St Andrew's.” Hayden thought to himself that the sex education classes were probably the reason why he had been transferred from public school to St. Andrew's for 7th grade. That, and that his parents didn't want him to end up like his womanizing and worldly older brother Jason, always dating 2 or 3 girls at once.
“You've seen it?” The priest said sternly, pumping his cock. “Pornography is a deadly vice, young man. Opening yourself up to it can allow demons of lust to enter your heart and corrupt your thoughts.”
“I know Sir… Father… I just. Really wanted to know how sex works between two guys, I guess, because they didn't teach us that in health class…” He whispered, hanging on the sound of the man's heavy breathing through the screen.
“And, like, what makes it a sin?” he asked, the words hanging in the silent wooden box between them. There. His ultimate question. The reason he had really come to the confessional that evening.
The priest groaned under his breath. “Well. When a man has sex with his wife, according to God's plan of marriage, he spills his seed inside of her womb. God commanded mankind to be fruitful and multiply. The Bible makes it clear that sex where semen is wasted and isn't used for reproductive purposes is considered sinful. When a man uses another boy's mouth or anus to deposit his seed, that would be considered the sin of sodomy. Even if he were to do that with his wife, it would be the same sin, because his seed can't impregnate her and fulfill God's commandment of fertility.”
Hayden stared into the handsome priest's face. It was like the confessional was disappearing around him, and he was just transfixed in the man's gaze. This was not at all like listening to his health teacher talk about sex. This was how he felt watching porn. It was almost like the man's voice was touching his body, rubbing his back, cupping his ass cheeks, fondling his bulge. Shivers ran down his spine as he hung on Father Thomas's every word. He pressed on, mystified, desperate to know more. To know details.
“So why would God make people gay then? If it's a sin that they can't get pregnant? And, is it just a sin for the top… for the man who's… wasting his seed… or is it a sin for the bottom, too? Why do people want to top boys, or bottom for men, if it's not how God made us?”
“Ah yes. When I was in the gay lifestyle lots of people found their identities in being tops or bottoms. Seek your identity in the Lord, in His word and in His plan for you. Men are made in the image of God, powerful and given dominion on earth. Women are like the Church. The bride of Christ. They're a vessel to receive His will, and His love. Of course, each of us is different, though. We're all different parts in the body of Christ. We all have different roles to play. Some boys, as they become men, find they are the brains, the leaders, the commanders in God's army.” The priest smirked to himself, pausing to let the weight of what he was about to say sink in. “Other boys, though, are like the legs or the bottom, offering support and taking commands from the top” ‘Boys like you, you little faggot,’ he thought to himself. Hayden was a bottom, he was absolutely sure of it. He just wanted to rub it in, marinate the kid in his own shame.
“Well… if it's a sin, and it's so shameful… and, isn't it dirty? Doesn't it hurt? Why do people want to do it so much?” ‘And why do I want it so much,’ Hayden thought to himself.
“Even though God created this world perfect, it has become flawed through the sin of Adam. All of us must face temptation. Sometimes men get possessed by… demons of lust, let's say. Ideas and urges, unnatural urges, that take hold of them. Afflict their minds and bodies constantly. Sometimes, the marriage bed is too delicate to handle those urges. Men turn to sins like adultery and sodomy, looking for an outlet so they can relieve themselves of their shameful temptations.”
“Why would the men they're having sex with let them do all that stuff their wives won't? Doesn't it hurt? Isn't it dangerous and stuff?”
Father Thomas's cock was dripping precum, begging to anoint Hayden's lips throbbing and pleading for a wet willing hole to sink into. He hid the pleasure in his voice as he purred back to the child. “Sometimes, maybe from childhood abuse, or from lacking a father, for example, boys get so desperate for male attention that they'll do anything to get the affirmation they crave. They become an outlet for the sexual sins of other men. Or, in the gay lifestyle terms, they become bottoms, submissives. Faggots, some people call it. But ultimately, they're just seeking the love and validation they need in those other men, instead of in Jesus. Sometimes there us no root trauma. Sometimes a boy is just born destined to be tempted in this particular way. Afflicted with this path.”
Haydens eyes were as far away from the screen as possible by now, locked on his own knees as he continued. “What if I don't even have sex… like, what if I just thought about having sex with someone or like. Watched them… is that still a sin? Is it still sodomy or. Adultery? They taught us in CCD that Jesus said committing adultery in your heart is the same as having sex… what if I watched someone have sex and wanted to. Be the person they were with? Does that mean that like, I cheated with them in my heart? Am I a slut? Am I an adulterer? He stopped abruptly, realizing his shame had flooded out all at once.
Father Thomas gripped his hardening cock, his hand still at the base, holding back his desire. ‘Am I a slut?’ This kid is too perfect to be real. Confessions like this were why he became a priest. The desire to help such young innocents struggling with their temptations. His dick was starting to take over from his brain and his heart, as it often did. Steering the conversation towards what it wanted. Towards Hayden's delicious sexual shame.
“Oh yes. Sins of lust committed in the heart are still very real. They aren't quite as serious as committing the offense with your body, but it's still enough to separate us from God's grace. As for whether or not these thoughts constitute adultery… is the object of these temptations married?” He sincerely hoped so. Hopefully the kid was into adult cock. That would make things much easier.
Hayden blushed. “They are. Uh. He is. It's my dad.” Even in the privacy of the confessional, Hayden wished the earth would open up beneath him and swallow him up whole like the son's of Korah in the desert.
Father Thomas hissed under his breath and had to stop touching himself entirely, or he would come on the spot. He kept his voice as level as possible.
“You watched your parents have sex??”
Another beat of silence hung in the air between them. Hayden was breathless. So was Father Thomas.
“Yeah… It happened by accident at first… I was scared of a storm and I walked down the hall to their room. I heard them moaning and my mom screaming and stuff so I stopped outside the door and listened. And. Then I would watch through the crack in the door.” Hayden's voice was low and soft, like he was in a trance. He was in too deep now, but he couldn't stop talking. All his secrets finally spilling out of him into another's ears. He had dreamed about confessing this secret sin for years, and now someone else finally knew his shame.
“So did this just happen one time? You watching them?” Father Thomas asked, his hand pumping slowly up and down his shaft once again. He might be in love with this boy, fuck. He was so delicious.
Hayden blushed again, harder. “No… it happened when I was little… like maybe 6? 7? (Another lie. He knew full well he had been only 5 the first time he saw Dad fucking Mommy.) And then it just. Kept happening. I couldn't stop going back down the hall to watch him.” Hayden shifted on the kneeling bench, still staring at the floor. “My parents have sex a lot,” he added dryly. “I have tons of siblings, you've probably seen them all around Church.”
Father Thomas had indeed seen Hayden's many siblings around the Parrish: his sisters Ashley and Meghan maybe? His older brother James, and some younger siblings the priest hadn't formally met yet. He had also seen Hayden's Father, Joel Matthews. A tall, handsome, clean cut man. Father Thomas was currently imagining him on top of his wife, fucking another little son into her. And he was imagining a 7 year old Hayden looking on enviously. Fuck.
“And these lustful thoughts you struggle with when you watch this, they're directed towards your Dad?” The priest's cock was screaming for more. This confession so far was the hottest he'd heard in months, he couldn't wait to hear more, drinking down the young boy's sin and shame like sacred communion wine.
“Yeah… I was always a Daddy's boy as a kid, I love my Dad so much… I guess maybe too much. So I always used to wish I could be like Mom, do that for him… I wished he would come down the hall at night too, and come to my door, lay down in my bed… that I could be like… his wife.” Hayden's voice was almost a whisper at this point as he unveiled the dark parts of his young sexuality to his confessor.
“And that's why you're so worried about committing adultery, huh? In your heart you were cheating with your own father, wrecking your parents' marriage?” You little fucking whore, Father Thomas added silently to himself. This kid was a classic faggot, right down to the crush on his own dad. Fuck, this was getting him off. He slowed his hand, eager not to cum before hearing the whole confession.
“Yeah. I tried to stop thinking about him like that but I just can't. It just comes over me.” Hayden's voice caught in his throat, making the priest's eyes roll back in pleasure as he gripped himself tighter.
“Haven't you thought about experimenting with boys closer to your own age?” Father Thomas asked, hoping the answer was yes. Surely this little slut was holding out on him. He had to have been messed around with by now, he was too cute to resist.
“Yeah,” Hayden answered. “I have… there's this one guy I really like. A friend of my brother’s, named Lucas… He's super nice to me, I love hanging out with him but it's more than that. I want him to like me. I think maybe he does like me,” he added nervously. He’s been talking to me lately and texting… Like I think he wants me to have sex with him, and I'm scared about what that means for me, if I get together with him and stuff.”
“For the state of your soul you mean? Your salvation?”
“Yeah. How am I supposed to deal with all this? Like. I tried not thinking about it. I really tried. But it's like every time I see this guy, or like. Any hot guy. All these sinful thoughts just take over and my head just spins.”
Father Thomas knew he had to be delicate in his answer here. The bundle of fresh teen hormones in front of him was destined to become a cocksucking fag, that much was clear. But Father Thomas wanted to twist the knife. To make him feel like his sexual confusion and inevitable perversion were being divinely ordained. Make the kid like it and make it all his fault.
“Well, you're at an age where your hormones are reacting strongly and unpredictably. It's natural to feel that way, to some extent. Saint Paul tells us that even though all Christians should ideally be chaste, it’s better to marry young and be in a fruitful sexual relationship than to burn in the temptations of lust. Have you ever heard of the principle of double effect?”
“No. What's that?”
“The idea that sometimes, actions have two effects. One may be good, and the other, evil. But if you perform the action seeking the good effect, it may not be counted as sin, even though something evil also results from your action. If a woman takes birth control for medical reasons, and it also prevents conception, she may be forgiven.”
“What does that have to do with me, Father? I uh. Probably won’t be taking any birth control.” Hayden tried to lighten the tense and heavy atmosphere between the two men with a joke. It didn't really work. He flushed, suddenly feeling more vulnerable and exposed than before.
“Well, in your position, you're already twice guilty. You've been lusting after these men in your heart, and, it sounds like you're also tempting them and causing them to lust over you.” The priest stroked himself harder as he planted the seeds of shame in the impressionable penitent boy's heart. “Either way, you'll still be guilty of sodomy and adultery in your heart. But, if you give yourself to those men as a vessel for their sinful seed, you can allow them to drain themselves of their temptations and be absolved. To feel release from the demons of lust which were attached to them.” ‘So just take all their fucking cum and be their little sex toy, you fagwhore,’ he added silently to himself. ‘You know you want it, and you know men want you, so just let it happen and take it like a good little whore.’ God he was on the edge again. This kid was practically eating out of the precum-covered palm of his hand.
Hayden was still enthralled, listening to the older man's sexual experience. Even through his trance, he felt the shame nagging at him. “And me, then? I just get like. Filled up with sin? Won't the demons of lust just attach onto me then?”
The priest's cock jumped as a huge smile flashed across his face. “Oh yes, my boy. That may well be the case. The Lord sets difficult paths for some of us. But none of us is given a burden too difficult for them to bear. Just look at the example of Christ. Satan tempted him in the wilderness to turn stones into bread when he was starving. He took him to the roof of the Temple and offered him dominion over all the earth! He could easily have just claimed it all. Instead, he walked the road of sorrows that the Father had set for him. He died on the cross, he descended into hell. He bore the sins of all men and set us free.”
“Honest Father this all sounds kind of… wrong. Like, Evil. But I can't really argue with you either…” Hayden trailed off.
“God is the Lord of everything. Sometimes even evil and suffering are a part of His plan. Just look at the suffering of Job. Evil is just a pervasion, a lack of good, like darkness is a lack of light, or cold a lack of heat. The Devil is but a Shadow! There is only one throne, evil and good are both part of his plan and will for the earth. The death of Jesus was a brutal, violent sacrifice! Sometimes, by accepting our burdens, we can share our spiritual gifts with all those around us.”
“But I don't want this gift… I don't wanna feel gay…” Hayden shifted uncomfortably. This was getting weird. He didn't know how confession was supposed to go, really. Not like this. He felt exposed, almost naked as he knelt asking for forgiveness from God and man. “I prayed for God to make me straight… I tried to think about girls but, it just doesn't work for me.” Fuck. This was too weird. He flushed redder but kept talking, unable to stop himself. It was like he was powerless to stop spilling his guts out, needing someone to know the feelings that plagued him every night. “Like, I do think about girls… I think about being a girl, I guess. Like with Lucas and my Dad. I think about if they liked me and kissed me, and treated me like a girlfriend. I think about if I could give them babies, like a wife should. Then it wouldn’t be wrong that I like them, and want them to want me… Like I feel like I should be able to get pregnant and give them kids. I don't feel like other boys, I guess, but not like a girl either. I just feel wrong, like I'm not a real man or something.” Tears welled in the corners of his eyes unexpectedly and his young voice cracked. “ I feel like everyone can tell I'm a faggot. Like it's written on my forehead in neon letters and everyone can just see it.”
Father Thomas bit his lip to keep himself from moaning out loud. The kid was so right, it was painfully obvious to him the boy was a little fag in the making, and not just because he had an eye out for boys exactly like Hayden. It was just undeniable.
“You aren't broken, my son,” he purred tenderly to the downcast penitent. “Of course, you're right. God ordained the gift of sex within marriage to allow us to fulfill his plan. To be fruitful and multiply. Those desires are a gift from the Lord.” The Father paused, his fingers coming to a standstill on his cockhead, holding back his cum as he imagined Joel Matthews planting his seed in his young son’s cunt, just like the little jailbait boy obviously craved. “Obviously, boys can't get pregnant like women can. But Jesus still showed mercy and love to the Roman centurion and his boy servant, and healed him. He taught us that all God's children have a place in the body of Christ. We all have spiritual burdens to bear, and special spiritual gifts to offer those around us. You may wish this cup to pass from your lips, but it seems you have been chosen for this calling.”
Hayden’s whole body was tense with confusion. He felt pleasure, eagerness, excitement, but also a sense of dread, tension. Like he was being asked to be two things at once. A good Catholic boy, but also, a fag to be fucked. It was this same feeling of being two things at once that had driven him into the confessional. Needing to know how to reconcile himself as a good son, a good son of God, and as a boy who was hopelessly attracted to other boys. Well. To men.
“So if I suffer to help other men with their lust… I can really be like Jesus?”
“Yes, my son. Follow his example, and be like a little Christ, anointed with a servant's heart. We all struggle with sins, but we should each seek to become a living sacrifice, helping those around us and putting them first.”
“No one has ever put it quite like that for me before…” He was smart enough to know he was probably being manipulated, but he wanted the Father's words to be true. He wanted there to be a way for him to be a good Christian and also a good little slut for men.
The priest smiled, locking onto the green eyes staring back at him from the shadows. “There are a lot of truths shared between us men that are probably better left unspoken. Obviously, I wouldn't disclose what you've shared here today, and you wouldn't disclose anything either. But you think about what I said.”
“I will, Father. You gave me a lot to think about though. Thanks. I'm…” Hayden searched his memory for the words taught to him as a young boy before his first holy Communion. “I am sorry for these and the sins of my past life.”he whispered, his eyes staring downwards, imagining the priest's cock just out of sight, knowing he was close enough to touch it, hoping the man was pleased with him, even if he couldn't quite understand why.
“No other thoughts or sins you've tried to keep hidden from his sight?”
“No Sir. Father.” Hayden blushed.
That was also a lie. A thousand images spun through his mind in rapid-fire succession. Sucking his cousins tent in a tent when camping as a little boy, something he never confessed when he did his first communion. The next-door neighbor whose grass he mowed, who had started touching his ass while paying him. The way he liked it and didn't stop it, encouraged it to go further. The man at a highway reststop bathroom who cruised him through a crack in the stall, asked him “need any help in there, kiddo,” while he was on a family road trip. The way he had let the man in, let him touch him, touched the man back. Sucked on his dick before being called back to the car by his dad.The contents of his internet history. But he felt overexposed enough already, raw almost from how much he had overextended himself and spilled his secrets.
‘Yes there are, you little whore,’ Father Thomas thought to himself. He was sure this kid had some more experiences or experimentation to confess, that the little brat was holding out on him. But he knew pressing now was the wrong move. It would be easier to move slowly and get closer with time.
He kept stroking himself as he said the prayer of absolution. “Well then. God, the Father of mercies, through the death and resurrection of his Son has reconciled the world to himself and sent the Holy Spirit among us for the forgiveness of sins; through the ministry of the Church may God give you pardon and peace, and I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.”
Hayden's lips were parted involuntarily, his tongue wet, as if he was about to receive the sacrament of communion instead of penance. Although the priest was absolving him, he felt like he still owed something to this man, needed something from the man. A kind of hunger in his stomach that he knew food wouldn't fill. The same hunger he always felt when he thought about men, about their bodies against his own. His eyes closed, lips still softly open, he whispered back the prayer of penitence, reciting from memory as if in a trance.
“Oh, my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended Thee, and I detest all my sins because I dread the loss of Heaven and the pains of Hell. But, most of all, because they have offended Thee, my God, who art all good, and deserving of all my love. I firmly resolve, with the help of Thy grace, to confess my sins, to do penance, and to amend my life. Amen.”
He felt little release as he said the words. If anything, the desires and temptations swirling through his mind and body felt stronger. Did he offend God just by being himself? Could he really still go to Heaven and be a child of Jesus if he walked the sexual path he felt calling him so strongly? Or were fags really destined to go to hell, like he had heard? While Father Thomas had answered some of his questions, he felt more confused and conflicted about others.
“Good boy, my son. For your penance, you need to focus on the love and will of our Holy Father. Say thirteen Our Father's this evening before you sleep, and you will be absolved.”
Hayden was startled. “That's all?” He had expected more serious penance for the weight of the sins he unburdened. The weight of war hinf his Dad have sex with his Mom had been weighing on his soul for years like a millstone.
The priest smiled. “That's all, son. Plenty of men confess sins a lot worse than yours.” He paused, wanting to press his luck. Knowing this kid had more juicy sins hiding beneath his well groomer surface. “Men confess all kinds of things to me… The sins they commit with their bodies and minds. The terrible things they watch online. Lucifer is always prowling at the door like a lion, waiting to devour you. We must be ever vigilant, or sin will make itself our master.” His fingers rubbed furiously around the rim of his cock head, edging his orgasm closer and closer as he teased and baited the innocent boy. He knew a 12 year old would be helpless to resist his words and inevitably fall deeper and deeper into those perversions. He just hoped he would get to hear some future confessions from this little scamp. Maybe more, if he played his cards right.
Hayden’s brow drew tight with worry. “You're SURE that I won't. I won't go to Hell for being gay? Like even with all that double effect stuff you were saying, isn't it still a mortal sin if I commit adultery, sodomy, stuff like that?”
At the thought of Hayden in hell, suffering the punishment for being a faggot, Father Thomas had to completely stop his hand or he would have cum on the spot. God, this kid was so sweet. Of course this little gay kid was going to hell. He deserved to be bouncing up and down on Satan's cock. This sweet little son of God was literally begging to be ruined, he just didn't know it.
“Mortal sins do cut us off from the light of God's love, but the Lord always has forgiveness for the penitent. Renounce your sins, child, and if you feel troubled by them again, seek his Mercy and his Grace. No little lamb was ever so lost that grace and penitence was unable to restore him to God's light.”
“So… I should just try to do the most good in whatever situation I find myself in, and then, if I found I’ve done evil too as a result, I can always just confess again?”
“That's right, my son.” Father Thomas was stroking himself furiously now, imagining Hayden being his good boy. Imagining the screen between them dissolving and his hands, tongue, cock all over this adorably conflicted little slut kneeling at his feet. “Christ is the ultimate authority over us, but he has placed other authorities over us as well. Church, government, family, community. You should always try to be obedient, to respect authority, to serve how you are called to. And if you had good intentions and confess your wrongdoing, he will always forgive you and welcome you with open arms.”
Hayden smiled awkwardly. “Yes, Father. Thank you. See you Sunday.” He felt strange, unsure why he wanted to stay in the booth when he should clearly be going on towards class. He drew back the red velvet curtain and slipped away, forcing his body not to run out of the sanctuary and down the hall to class. Now he was REALLY late.
As the curtain fell back into place and swung gently in the empty room, Father Thomas groaned and furiously jerked his entire shaft, his fist pounding up and down the hairy length. Images of Hayden filled his mind - Hayden on his knees, Hayden covered in cum, Hayden choking at a glory hole, Hayden moaning and struggling under Joel's sweaty body, Hayden's legs spread wide around his own waist. Fuck that little slut. Fuck that fucking whore. What a fucking fag, of course he was going to hell, of course he was a dirty little slut, of course everyone could see what he was. What he's good for. Such a fucking. Little. Cocktease!
Father Thomas swallowed a roar as he came, his hand never stopping, painting the wall of the partition white with rope after rope of cum.
As the rush of his orgasm faded, the priest felt absolution wash over him. He felt relieved of his demons. Emptied, for the moment, of his lust and sin, he sighed, pushed his heavy, sticky cock back into his fly, and went to clean up.
*** *** *** *** *** *** ***
As Hayden rode home, he stared out the window of the car, watching trees, pedestrians, and dogs fly by on the unending brick sidewalk. He was deep in his thoughts, his headphones blocking everything out and locking him into another world.
“I am in misery/There ain't nobody who can comfort me, oh-yeah
Why won't you answer me?/The silence is slowly killing me, oh-yeah”
The lyrics were pretty bleak for such an upbeat pop tune, Hayden thought. The dissonance matched his own feelings recently, like there were two sides of himself that didn’t quite go together.
Hayden barely noticed when his mom pulled the car into the driveway. Without taking his headphones out, he hopped out of the car and ran up the steps through the garage door, and all the way upstairs to his bedroom. He swung the door shut behind him, and turned the lock.
Hayden let out an enormous breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding. Finally alone. He flopped onto the bed, kicking off his shoes. He pulled his iPod touch out of his pocket and turned off the music. Scrolling through a few screens of icons, he clicked on the Tumblr icon and began scrolling with his left thumb. His right hand was already on his bulge, rubbing himself through his soccer shorts. He needed to indulge in his secret shame. Any spare minute he had, Hayden always seemed to find himself crawling back here, like it was an addiction. He had just cleansed his soul, and here he was, immediately defiling it again. But he couldn't resist.
Tumblr had become a guilty pleasure for Hayden recently. It had started out innocently, following accounts of his favorite shows and bands. Things had gotten out of control quickly as he started to realize how much porn was on the app. At first he was just following a few softcore accounts, CuteGayGuys, BigBulgeCentral. Then it got to more hardcore accounts like EliteMuscleAlphas or BigGayCocks. Lately though, his whole dashboard was consumed by hardcore gay pornography. And the accounts he felt drawn to were getting worse and worse.
BadDad94. TimmytheFagboi. DarkestPerv666. SatanicFag. Littlex67. TabooTales. Dale10. DVNTPuppy. HomoCrusherKyle. FagUserChicago. KentTheAuthor. FilthyUncleNate.
His favorite were the caption blogs. Photos, GIFsets, or even videos of porn, with nasty smutty captions written underneath. Hayden felt a rush every time he found a new account with sicker and more perverted captions. That was the real addiction - the view it gave him into these dark online strangers minds, and their sex drives. What they wanted, expected, of boys like him. He started seeking out darker and darker accounts, looking for pervs who wanted boys like him, for men who’s twisted sexual desires had no limit.
As he scrolled past cock after cock on screen, Hayden slipped off his shorts and pulled his cock over the waistband of his briefs. He was already hard as a rock staring at the endless stream of male perfection: big, throbbing, perfect white alpha porn cocks, shooting massive cum loads, stretching tiny fuckholes, disappearing down freshly 18yo porn boy’s faces.
Fuck.
Hayden's thumb stopped scrolling, his eyes locked on the screen.
SatanicPerv666 had reblogged a new image from an account he didn’t recognize, GayDemonDaddy. The image was of a horned devil sitting on a black throne, his giant red cock impaled into the body of a young blonde twink. The boy’s face was twisted in anguish, and the demon’s grinning in pleasure. It was a kind of vintage illustration, like it was an old Tarot card or from some 80s porno mag. Hayden was instantly drawn to it. He clicked through to GayDemonDaddy, followed immediately, and then scrolled down to see more of his posts.
Hayden had to stop scrolling on the very first post. A gif of a skinny blonde twink choking as he was pushed down onto a MASSIVE cock. Hayden wondered if the top was Italian. Latin maybe? It had to be ten inches long… or more. It was swollen and kinda curvy, like a coke bottle. Veined, angry, throbbing. The hairy black bush grew up from the guy’s crotch and up onto his heavy balls and shaft like a jungle of fur.
Over and over, Hayden watched that hand push the boy down on that perfect, incredible dick. The way his pink pillowy lips stretched as he gagged and sputtered his way to the base. The way his drool coated the cock and made it shine like it was oiled. The way cum bubbled and dripped out the kid’s nose a little every time he choked.
Most of all, he watched how the twink’s eyes never left the camera, as if they were locked onto Hayden’s. His expression was completely open, like he was defenseless. Like a deer in the headlights. Evem his pupils were open, dilated and glittering with unshed tears.. Like he belonged completely to the man doing this to him. Like he loved it. Or like it didn’t matter, because he was going to take it.
Hayden finally looked at the caption below the gif. Fuck.
The Ten Commandments of Being a Cocksucker
I - No teeth, ever.
II - Don’t expect him to be clean. Suck that sweat off his dick.
III - Use your tongue, suction and throat to please him. It’s called a blow JOB: Work!
IV - It's all about HIM! Do NOT touch yourself.
V - Always retain eye contact unless told otherwise.
VI - Always remember his balls and ass. Worship every part of a man.
VII - You don’t need to breathe, he needs to cum. He decides when it comes out of your throat.
VIII - Don’t be afraid to hum, choke, make noise on it. It’s humiliating for you, but feels great for him!
IX - Don’t just suck it - worship it, make love to it, show him how lucky you are to be his hole.
X - Always swallow. Never spit cum under any circumstances. His cum is a gift for you.
FUCK, that was hot.
Hayden hearted the post to bookmark it for later. He wanted to become a good cocksucker just like that. He hoped maybe soon he would get to try again with Lucas. Pulling himself back to the screen, he scrolled further down the page.
He didn’t make it far, stopping again on the very next post. A graphic animation of a dark, purple and black skinned Minotaur demon sitting on a throne, flanked by brasiers of fire. Hayden felt his hole clench and itch with need as he stared at the massive, inhuman sized bull cock hanging on the throne between the Devil’s legs. Cum poured from the flared head, dripping down a massive bronze ring to match the one in the bull’s nose. His balls were the size of melons, heavy and full. Hayden was entranced. He wanted to bow down at that throne, lick his way up that cock and choke on it for hours. He knew a cock that size would demolish his little body… but Hayden almost found that hotter. A cock like that deserves whatever it wanted.
He scrolled down to see if there was a caption.
“Dark Father, Enthroned in Hell, unholy be Thy name. Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Hell. Give me this day Your demonic seed, and accept me as a vessel for Your perversion and lust. Lead me down the paths of temptation, and deliver me into the hands of evil. For Thine is the Kingdom, and the Power, and the Glory, forever and ever, Amen.”
Hayden shivered. The words were familiar and yet completely wrong. So wrong.
Hayden stared back at the image of the monstrous cock, enthroned like a God or King in a black torchlit room.
He began to softly repeat the words to himself as he stroked his cock. “Dark Father, Enthroned in Hell, unholy be Thy name. Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Hell. Give me this day Your demonic seed, and accept me as a vessel for Your perversion and lust. Lead me down the paths of temptation, and deliver me into the hands of evil. For Thine is the Kingdom, and the Power, and the Glory, forever and ever, Amen.”
Hayden repeated the mantra over and over while stroking himself. Thirteen times. It was like nothing else existed but him, the massive bull cock on his screen, and the words he was whispering. As the final “Amen” left his lips, Hayden’s hand sped up, chasing the edge of his orgasm. He imagined the giant cock on the screen cumming, pouring out an endless river of semen for him to swallow while he knelt and groveled at the foot of the beast’s throne. Hayden groaned as he came, hard, his load covering his hand and his briefs, a few spurts even landing on his stomach and chest where his shirt had slid up revealing his pale body.
The burning light of his orgasm faded. He flopped back on the bed, exhausted and ashamed. The first few times it had happened, Hayden had freaked out afterwards and deleted his account, or at least unfollowed the worst of the porn blogs. By now, he no longer bothered. He lay back, soaking in the feeling of shame, knowing he was wrong but knowing it was futile to fight against it. But he always ended up back here, feeling this way. He sighed, rolled over to stare at the wall, and flicked back to iTunes and cranked up the volume, hoping to drown out the guilt and shame swirling around his head for a little while, until he inevitably crawled back to worship at the altar of porn.