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Despite the fact that this is a reoccurring moment, it never fails to make Taerae the saddest he’s ever felt.
Even after two years of this, always having that sadness brewing beneath his skin and seeing it on his boyfriend’s face too, it doesn’t ever get easier.
He also can’t say what is harder - being the one leaving, or being the one returning back home to an empty apartment.
Both scenarios are equally as difficult, perhaps, just in different ways.
He knows it’s going to be terrible for Matthew to return home after dropping him off. Matthew’s place is basically made for two - the two of them, to be specific.
He’s also painfully aware of the fact that the first minutes of being alone aren’t the hardest. No, it’s when he’s on the plane, in his seat, that it will fall onto him that he’s leaving Matthew, again, and neither of the two know exactly when they can see each other again.
When they got together they knew this was a possibility - doing long distance for a few years, because Matthew’s time in Seoul was limited. They make it work, of course. Taerae tries telling himself that it’s going to be worth it in the end, in however many years it takes, before they will live comfortably with each other and without the worry of booking plane tickets whenever their economy allows them.
“You alright?”
Taerae is pulled out of his thoughts at Matthew’s voice, the question soft, as if to not disturb the late night hours.
It’s dark outside, and it's almost midnight. The flights back to Seoul never line up well enough for Taerae’s sleep schedule. But it’s a sacrifice he’s willing to commit to.
“I’m alright,” he responds, turning his head to look at the other.
Matthew is driving, they had to borrow his sister’s car, because it’s too expensive to get one of his own. And Matthew always insists on driving him to the airport, because hey, what partner would I be if I were to have you take the damn bus to the airport? I’m driving you!
(Taerae loves him very much for this.)
“You’re just quieter than usual,” Matthew adds, reaching a red light. There are no other cars around, but of course red lights appear nonetheless when it’s the two of them.
“Well,” Taerae sighs. “I’m sad about leaving, so I was just… thinking, as I do.”
He watches Matthew again, sees the reflection of the traffic lights on his skin and notes how the red turns to green. His boyfriend pouts, taking a left turn.
There still aren’t any other cars visible, maybe they’re alone on the roads tonight.
“Think out loud with me,” Matthew averts his eyes from the road for a split second to shoot him a small smile, then he turns his head back. “What are you thinking?”
Resting the back of his head against the seat, Taerae clears his throat.
“That I don’t know what’s worse,” he starts. “Being the one leaving, or being the one left behind.”
And he’s keeping his eyes on his beloved while he says this, trying to spot any reaction, any crease or emotion twitching the skin. But Matthew nods, lightly, as if he’s taking the thought to heart.
“I’d say both are equally as difficult,” he says after a moment. “Just, you know, in different ways?”
Taerae smiles. They really think alike.
“That’s what I was thinking, too,” he breathes, feeling his heart both skip a beat and break a little at the expression Matthew makes.
Then they reach another red light.
“Why are we getting red lights?” Matthew asks, mostly to himself, but Taerae has been thinking of the same thing.
“No idea,” he sighs.
Matthew lets go of the steering wheel, leaning back.
“Maybe it’s a good thing,” he continues, still sounding as if he’s thinking out loud, though he’s clearly intending to start a conversation.
Taerae narrows his eyes.
“Maybe the traffic lights want us to spend more time together,” Matthew finishes.
Confused, Taerae looks out the front, staring at the traffic lights before them. They are alone, technically they don’t need to get a red light now either.
A hand lands on his thigh then, so he looks back at Matthew.
“We’re kinda early, right?”
Taerae blinks at him.
“I mean, a little, I think?”
He’s met with a smile.
“Let’s take the longer way to the airport then, it’s only a ten minute difference or so, we can pretend we have all the time in the world.”
“All the time in the world being ten minutes?”
Matthew grins, “Yeah!”
-
So, they do. Matthew takes a different turn in the next intersection, the roads are still vacant except for them.
Even when they reach a stop sign, Matthew almost parks the car.
Taerae gives him a questioning look, automatically looking around for other vehicles in case standing still for longer than two seconds will inconvenience anyone else.
As he’s about to ask why they’re staying here for longer than necessary, a hand lands on the back of his head and pulls him in for a kiss.
When he feels Matthew smiling into it, despite the inevitable sadness that will wash over them in less than twenty minutes, it feels alright.
-
For the first time a while, Taerae is the one who starts crying once it’s time to say goodbye.
Matthew is usually the one to start, to which Taerae is quick to follow.
This seems to surprise them both, so much that Matthew lets out a tiny gasp once he notices the tears welling over.
“Oh, Taerae,” he pouts, cupping his face and using his thumbs to wipe the tears away. “Hey, love, it’s okay.”
It is and will be okay, Taerae tries to think positively. Why he’s so sad already, he doesn’t know.
“We’ll see each other soon, okay?”
He just nods and allows himself to be pulled into a tight embrace.
Soon cannot come soon enough.