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Bones had a wild look in his eye. “This is just a short trip.”
Jim nodded. “I know.”
“You’re going straight back to medical once we’re done.”
“I know.”
The shuttle jolted as it lifted off the ground. Jim had never been so glad to leave San Francisco behind. With so much of the city wreathed in scaffolding, it didn't resemble itself much. Getting away would be a welcome break from Starfleet Medical too...
...Even if he had to listen to a lecture from Bones the whole shuttleflight to Riverside.
"...and so help me, Jim, if you do anything more strenuous than take a seat at the shipyards, I will confine you to your room for a week."
"Nothing strenuous, aye sir."
"I'm not kidding, Jim. Your body's still recovering –”
“– I’d noticed –”
“– and you probably feel great right now –”
“– I do –”
“– but don't push it. You don't want to relapse."
"I know, Bones."
Something in Jim's voice ended the rant. Bones might know how to make a creative threat, but no one cared more. "Jim, this can wait. I know the admiralty is on your back about this whole mess, but you’re not ready for that and I’m not sure..."
"Bones, you don't have to worry about them. I've got it."
“Yeah, but you don’t have to do it alone.”
Didn’t he? Sometimes he wasn’t sure he’d fully returned to the world, like (a glass door?) something separated him from reality. His crew were busy helping rebuild the city and Starfleet however they could while he was only allowed to look from the hospital’s roof and stare at the devastation. Distance made it all more surreal.
“You listening to me?”
Jim managed a nod.
He’d tried to ignore it at first, crumple up the oddness within himself and toss it away. But he couldn’t. Heaviness settled over him and wouldn’t shift. Like a stubborn cloud, it followed him around, coating him in its shadow. In the earlier stages of his recovery, distractions lifted the cloud, but now, faced with daily physical therapy and, like Bones mentioned, numerous superiors to answer to, his mind churned over the events unstoppably. Now, on his way to finally see the Enterprise, it was less a cloud hanging over him and more of a storm system moving in.
“…damn admirals, thinking they know everything. How many of them have been off-planet at all in the past five years other than for self-important conferences? They need to get back out there, remember what space is actually like. But they won’t. They’re all ‘Doctor McCoy, give us this serum you made so our personnel are stronger, faster, better at not dying when we toss them at the next angry sonuvabitch looking for a fight.’” Bones’ voice cut across Jim’s private melancholy. "What if they abduct me and demand I create a new bunch of Khans that make the bastard look an antelope in a field of lions?"
"They aren't taking you or your serum. Besides, I couldn’t survive crashing a ship into a city or take out any roving hordes single-handedly," Jim said. “I can barely stay awake for twelve hours.”
"Pity. If they do come after me, I could use the help."
Cold fire ignited in Jim’s guts. "Don't say that."
"You know that can't happen.”
The thought of it… being powerful like that, capable of crushing people just to get what he wanted…
…would Jim want that kind of power if it meant saving his crew?
“Hey. Look at me."
It shocked Jim how hard it was to meet Bones’ determined gaze.
"You are not a monster. Never have been, never will be. I made damn sure of that."
"I know you did." Slumping slightly, Jim closed his eyes. Why was he so damn fragile?
"This was a bad idea," Bones suddenly said.
"No." Jim sat straighter, opening his eyes. "I've got to see the Enterprise."
Bones shifted in his seat. "It's not good."
"I know."
"But it's gonna be fine in time."
Jim smiled. "We still talking about the ship?"
Bones' hand rested warmly on Jim's arm. "Both."
***
At the shipyards, Bones took his leave after another lecture and an impassioned plea that left Jim feeling guilty and genuinely nervous of undoing any of the brutally hard work Bones had put into bringing him back.
He also ignored the rush of nostalgia being back in Riverside inspired. He had one purpose, and that was the Enterprise. He was not (probably literally could not) go wandering around Riverside, checking out his old haunts or swinging by the local police station to show off what a changed man he was.
So changed even he wasn’t entirely sure who he was now.
Scotty appeared, greeting him brightly. “Jim! It’s good to see you on your feet again.”
Jim pasted on a smile. “Thanks, Scotty. It’s good to breathe some fresh air.”
“Well, take a deep breath and hold it tight. We’re heading into the observation suite.”
It was a slow walk, but when they reached the observation suite, the sight of the Enterprise deleted all other thoughts. For a moment, Jim could only stare at the beleaguered vessel.
"Sorry," said Scotty. "Maybe I should've showed you some pictures before you came out here."
Jim’s sharp breath caught the back of his throat. "Ah, no, no, don't worry about it."
He'd thought he was ready, thought he'd prepared himself for the worst. But what waited beyond the glass was less of a ship and more of a salvaged wreck. His imagination had been woefully limited. The massive damage overwhelmed him. The shattered hull revealing the ship’s bruised innards... Now that he looked, it was kind of amazing anyone had walked off the Enterprise alive.
(He hadn't)
Pike was right. He'd been an arrogant, swaggering moron to think he'd never lose a single member of his crew.
...Jim wished Pike was here right now, even if it was just to deliver the most epic 'told you so' speech, featuring a chorus 'how does playing god feel now?', in the history of the universe.
...The storm definitely rumbled…
"Jim?"
Horrified to feel wetness on his cheeks, Jim brushed it away and forced himself back together. "Sorry."
"Don't worry. I cried the first time I saw her too." Scotty patted Jim's shoulder... And then kicked a man when he was down, albeit guiltily. "We've got a lot of work to do. She won't be spaceworthy anytime soon."
In a moment of private honesty, Jim knew he wasn't so worried about that just yet. He was a long way from spaceworthy himself. Bones wasn't wrong about taking it easy. His head felt slightly disconnected, every nerve numbed with deep weariness.
And he'd felt so good an hour ago.
"I've got a few blueprints I wanted to show you," Scotty went on. He moved to a screen and pulled up various images. "Upgrades to the nacelles, tweaks to impulse engines..."
"Sounds good," Jim said, trying to get his head in the game. "How about hull repairs?"
"Slow going," Scotty replied. He took a breath. "Jim, this is less of a repair and more of a..."
"Reconstruction," Jim concluded.
"It's not going to be that hard though," Scotty said hurriedly. "The basics are there and you’re looking at the worst of the damage here. Believe it or not, most of the ship is fine. She just needs some help here and there. And we might as well install every available upgrade, right?"
Staring up at the Enterprise, Jim wondered about taking a look on the inside. Could he trust himself to go another hour without falling over his own feet? "How much help?"
"Eh… okay, a lot but... Oh, no, no, no. No! No. Not a chance, no!"
Jim frowned at Scotty. "What?"
"If you think for one second I'm letting you help out when Doctor McCoy specifically told me not to let you do anything other than look from a great, great distance, you've got another thing coming! He said if he heard that I let you so much as breathe on a welding torch, he would shove..."
"Whoa! Stop! I do not want to know!"
Scotty crossed his arms. "Promise me then."
"Promise you what?"
"That the observation platform is as close as you're gonna get."
Jim knew he couldn't. He couldn’t be this close and not go aboard.
He had to get out from under the storm, even if it did set him back in his physical recovery.
"You've got a gleam in your eye," Scotty said nervously.
"Do I?"
"Jim! You can't!"
He tried to play it hopeful. "Not even if I just go to sickbay?"
"McCoy is there! With hypos! He'll take us both out!"
Real laughter broke out of him. "Scotty, you're hilarious when you're this anxious."
Scotty backed up a step. "I want nothing to do with this. At all. Ever. If anyone asks, I never saw you!"
"Oh, Scotty, come on. Just... Just to sickbay. Bones won't mind that..." Much… Except he would. A lot. And loudly too. "Isn't that the most sensible place for me to go?"
"No! You should stay here like you're supposed to!"
"I'll take full responsibility if Bones flips out."
"When, Jim, when he flips out." Scotty shook his head. "I cannae do it. I know what that man can do with a hypo. Sorry."
He ran away at top speed.
Jim pondered the need for another chat with Bones and his constant inspiration of terror in other members of the crew.
Especially seeing as that terror had spread to the shipyard personnel. What had he done, sent out a memo?
"Yes sir," said the shipyard’s commander. A wry smile touched her lips. "Under no circumstances will anyone accompany you onto the Enterprise."
So Jim took matters into his own hands, via a communicator. "Booooooones!"
"No."
"I'll sit in sickbay."
"And sneak out the moment I turn my back."
"The bridge? It’s got a pretty nice chair there."
"Hell no!"
"The mess hall?"
"Jim." Bones made it sound like a word could be chewed up and spat out.
"My quarters. You can keep me company."
"Dammit..." The blush echoed in Bones' voice.
Jim smirked. Bones liked to bitch, but he could be made to see sense with the right incentive. And right now, the right incentives were easy to find.
"Fine. Your quarters and nowhere else. I'll stun you myself if you try to go to engineering.”
Jim’s knees quailed. “Not engineering, check.” Not engineering anytime soon. Facing that could definitely wait.
“Get Scotty to accompany you."
“Er…” But before Jim had to admit his chief engineer had run away in terror, Keenser appeared, carrying a large spanner. Perfect. "Okay, sure, I'll be there soon."
"Don't rush."
"You know I won't." Because he couldn't. At all. In fact, he really needed to take a break.
But he needed to see the ship, even if it would result in making him sick.
He’d died on that ship. He hadn’t passed out, hadn’t almost died. He’d died in sickness and agony.
The storm system battered him with thunder and lightning.
"…busy right now so call when you're there."
The words just about registered. “Yeah, okay.”
“Jesus, Jim, you sound exhausted.”
“All the more reason to head somewhere where there’s a bed, right?”
He ended the call before Bones could argue.
Calling out to Keenser, Jim walked alongside the smallest member of the crew, immensely grateful for the much slower pace. Getting aboard the ship took fifteen minutes, and it was another half hour before Jim reached his quarters, having to endure countless enthusiastic greetings from the crew. Seeing them, sharing their enthusiasm to fix the ship and get back out there, gave him the strength he needed to keep from bracing himself against the damaged bulkheads, but by the time he reached his quarters, Jim was ready to drop. Thoughts swimming, head heavy with a nauseating headache, Jim barely noticed the catastrophic mess.
Keenser saw him to his bed and left him to it. Jim thought maybe he heard Keenser's rarely heard voice, but he dropped into heavy sleep before he could be sure.
Darkness stole him, and all he could see were Pike’s dead eyes while Khan’s taunts rang in his ears, the damn bastard raging as Marcus’ skull cracked in his hands, blood and worse flowing over Khan’s hands like the lies had spewed from Marcus’ lips.
And through it all the Enterprise and her amazing, wondrous crew screaming, tumbling, falling, and he couldn’t let them, wouldn’t let it end like that, running and that glass door and that decision, the pain of it swelling his knuckles as he dragged Scotty to safety. He didn’t stop, didn’t dare hesitate, throwing himself into that tunnel. Within moments he was sick, his head spinning so fast he had no idea how to reach the core but he had to, had to, they’d all die if he didn’t… the ship couldn’t fail, the Enterprise couldn’t burn, couldn’t lose any more of her crew except him, only him, no one else could go, but it hurt, it hurt like he burned from the inside out, and it was too much, he couldn’t breathe, his lungs wouldn’t fill, his heart must’ve broken loose, fluttering desperately only to fade…
…Fade…
…Stop.
He jolted to wakefulness, gasping for breath. His confused brain couldn’t work out why daylight shone through the porthole. Motes of dust flittered around, twirling and dancing. He could feel the light’s warmth on his skin. Weird...
"You with me?"
Jim became aware of someone perched on his bed. Squinting in the light, he saw Bones.
“Still having the nightmares?”
“Nightmares,” he echoed breathlessly.
And then his memory caught up with him.
Not in space.
Earth.
Oh.
“You were only out for an hour.”
A couple more would shave the edge of his exhaustion, but Jim wisely held his tongue.
Bones was not amused. “I told you–”
“Yeah, yeah, okay.” Jim gratefully took the offered hand and allowed Bones to haul him up. His quarters took a few spins, but he locked his knees. His eyes took in the mess. Nothing was where it belonged. He hadn’t exactly packed out his quarters with stuff, but there were a few things of personal value he would have to dig out of the debris…
…When he could stand up without keeling over. His knees buckled and Jim fell back onto his bed, bright blots of light flickering across his vision.
“Dammit, Jim.”
He threw an arm over his eyes and managed a rough approximation of a laugh.
“This was a bad idea,” Bones said, too anxious to sound properly frustrated.
Jim ignored him and the hum of a tricorder. Instead, he reached out, patting the nearest bulkhead. He sighed heavily, the end of it wobbling. “We’re a mess, aren’t we?”
Maybe he laughed again. If he did, it turned into tears quicker than he expected. That seemed to be happening a lot today.
The tricorder fell silent. A familiar hand brushed through his hair. “Come on, let’s get you out of here.”
Jim definitely laughed that time. “Sure, let’s just take me through the corridors while I’m having a moment. That’s gonna look awesome.”
“Yeah, yeah, okay, sorry.”
But the moment, like they all had, passed. Jim rolled onto his side, gathering strength. Bones sat next to him, their bodies pressing against each other, sharing warmth. Jim closed his eyes and tried to settle his thoughts.
“One of these days you’re gonna have to deal with it,” Bones said.
It. The storm in his head.
Pike and Khan and Marcus and the losses (how many?) and the ship and dying…
Dying here…
“I know,” Jim said. The storm hovering over him was going to crash onto his head, and when it did, he wasn’t sure what would happen. “But not today, and not here.”
“Don’t shut me out. Talk to me. Let me help. Please.”
“You’ve helped me so much already,” Jim said, his hand shaking as he fought the weariness in his muscles and placed his hand on Bones’ stubbly cheek. “I’ve got this.”
“You don’t have to do any of this alone.”
“Bones…”
He captured Jim’s hand in his own and squeezed. “You’re not alone.”
“I know. I just… I need time.”
“And I’m gonna be here when you know you need me.”
Fresh tears washed over Jim’s eyes but he blinked them away. “Okay,” he said, breathing out. He pulled his hand back. “Come on.”
“You sure?”
“Sure. Come on.” Jim waggled his fingers.
Bones hauled him up again, this time poised to catch if necessary. “Okay?”
No. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
“You’re really fine at spouting bullshit.”
Jim held on tight, waiting for the vertigo to past. “You were right.”
Bones stared at him, one eyebrow climbing skyward. “Sorry, what was that?”
So he said it again, only it was quieter this time and weighted with sorrow. “I’ve got to deal with it, and I can’t do it here.”
“Jim…”
He dragged in a breath, clinging onto whatever courage loosened his tongue because this wasn’t what he’d set out to admit today and Bones was the only person he’d ever be able to say it to. “I don’t know how to do this.”
Bones was wonderfully, perfectly, him. He grunted, his unique gruffness screamed you mean a lot to me more than hugs, sappiness and tears ever would. “Do what?”
But what could he say? Talk about storms and clouds, thunder and lightning?
“Day at a time, Jim. That’s all you can do. Take it as it comes, get through it however works best for you and come out on the other side.”
“And still be me?”
Bones pressed a gentle kiss to Jim’s lips. “You’ll always be you.”
Jim let his forehead rest against Bones’. “Okay.”
“Okay.” One more kiss and Bones pulled back. “Ready to go?”
Jim released his grip. “Ready.”
The return journey was incredibly slow, somehow even more of the crew turning up to say hi, thank you, good to see you, Captain, can’t wait to get back out there, see you here for repairs when you’re up for it, right, sir?
Right.
By the time they reached the observation area, Jim was wrecked. He had nothing left, and no reserves to dig into. Bones deposited him on a chair in the base commander’s office and disappeared while talking into his communicator. Jim drifted away into dreams of rainstorms chasing him up and down the wrecked hallways of the Enterprise.
He woke up in bed.
A hospital bed in San Francisco.
Disorientated, he tried to sit up.
Gravity pushed him back down.
“Let that be a lesson to you.” Bones appeared. He was going for stern but he came off concerned. “Next time you feel like taking a walking tour, don’t.”
“How’d we get here?”
“Called in a few favours, got us beamed back. You don’t remember?”
“No.”
It wasn’t just gravity. Someone had replaced his bones with lead and his muscles with tissue paper. Dizziness had followed him back from the shipyard too; the room slowly orbited his head.
The bed dipped as Bones sat down. “Go back to sleep.” He stroked Jim’s forehead with careful fingers. “I’ll keep the nightmares away.”
Jim’s eyes were already shut. “And the storm?”
The fingers hesitated only briefly before returning to their steady rhythm. “All of it. Leave reality to me until you’re ready for it.”
“You gonna scare it away with a hypo?”
“And its annual physical too.”
Jim plummeted into sleep with a smile on his lips and laughter in his chest.