Chapter Text
The door had that damned fruit depicted on its stained glass. I curled my claw into a fist and knocked in a rhythm that spelt “beast” in morse code. The door opened. My little sister opened the door. The corners of my smile stretched a bit.
“He-” I started, before the door slammed in my face. A full second went by before it opened again. “-llo!” Charlie slammed the door again.
“Hey Vaggie?” I heard her muffled call from behind the door.
“What?!” a second voice groaned.
“My brother is at the door!” said Charlie.
“WHAT?!” the second voice shouted, again, muffled by the door.
There was a pause. I could tell there was a brief exchange across the room behind the door, but it was too muffled for me to parse. Then Charlie opened the door again.
“May I speak now?” I joked.
“You may,” Charlie answered, attempting to appear more assertive.
“It's so good to see you again, my favorite little bastard!” I cheered as I squeezed her chest against mine. I let go just as abruptly and invited myself in. “How long has it been? Five hundred? Five hundred forty-nine years! Grant me grace for my sudden visit but I saw your interview on the - what is it called? - the picture box (right?)! I just had to come over and say: ‘what a performance!’ I haven't been that entertained since the world wars! The blood and agony flowed like rivers…”
“Stay where you are,” said a small girl with a corpse purple completion and a large red cross over her left eye. She held an angelic spear, so I stayed put. My smile never wavered. “Por supuesto, porque no era lo suficientemente malo. I know your game, and I won't let you hurt anyone here you shit-eating charlatan!”
“Little girl, if I wanted to hurt anyone here,” I started before flicking the spear out of her hands, “I would not have knocked.”
The words poured from my fangs like a cruel punch-line to a dark joke. Charlie rushed to the girl’s side as a quiet chuckle croaked in my throat.
“No, I'm here because I would like to help!” I explained. There was a brief pause.
“Excuse me?” Charlie asked.
“Does ‘help’ no longer mean what I think it means?” I asked. “I would like to assist, to provide aid.”
“No, that is what help means,” Charlie replied sheepishly. “I mean, what do you want to help with?”
“Your insane venture of course!” I answered as I casually appeared behind them. I gestured to my surroundings. “This hotel! I would love to help you run it.”
“… Why?” Charlie squinted as I wrapped my arm around her and the girl.
“I'm immortal,” I began to answer as I deliberately pulled her away from the girl. “I will eventually do everything. Besides, for centuries now I've been in a haze of sorts seeking only immediate pleasures: bottles, cigars, sex… the blood and flesh of those who dare disrespect me. I want to stimulate my mind with a proper job for myself.”
“So you think it's possible to rehabilitate sinners?” Charlie asked as her eyes lit up with such hope and relief.
I thought for a moment. Do I believe it's possible? I thought to myself. I gave my answer:
“I believe in father's vision,” I began, “I believe God made a grave mistake putting Himself in charge, and the Exterminations only prove it. When you succeed, and with me by your side you will, all of Heaven will fall from whatever illusion they call grace and not only will a more just world come to life, but the misery and guilt of the newly fallen will bring me such joy.”
“… Right.” Charlie slowly stepped out of arm’s reach as she let my arm fall off her shoulder.
“Yes indeed, one moment,” I said as I summoned Sammy in cane form. Sammy is my snake with a skull instead of a head. Her head was currently the handle of a cane. I started taking in my surroundings. The hotel was incredibly run down. The lights weren’t on, and the wall paper peeled away.
“So what’s the deal with ‘Smiles’ over there?” I heard a high pitched male voice asked from across the room.
“You never heard of him before?” the girl asked bewildered. “You’ve been here longer than me.” There was a pause. “Dameon Morningstar, the first born of the devil himself?”
“Eh, not big on politics,” said the boy. I stole a glance before pretending not to listen. He was lanky, but not taller than me. He was covered in white fur with pink patches, and had a single gold tooth. His four arms were adorn with velvety pink and white gloves. His long legs were covered only by leather heeled boots. Only a tiny skirt and tight suit gave the barest of modesty.
“Dameon has been around almost as long as humanity itself,” the girl began. “When sinners first entered Hell, he was there to be the first to torture them. He became so infamous for it that demon kind named itself after him. He is cruel and ruthless, and we can not get involved with him unless we want to end up erased!”
“Lovely to know my reputation hasn’t eroded in the last seven years,” I chuckled as I appeared next to them, posing with Sammy extended out so I may bend at the hip. The girl and the boy flinched. I turned my head to Charlie. “If trust is an issue, then let’s make a deal. My word is everything to me.” I stood up straight, hooked Sammy on my wrist as I extended my claw to shake. “It shall read thus: ‘So long as Princess Charlie Morningstar expresses hope and faith in her ventures for redeeming the souls of Hell, Prince Dameon Morningstar will be incapable of harming the sinners under the care of Princess Charlie Morningstar, whether through intentional action, or neglectful inaction.’”
“Uh…” Charlie glanced at the girl. “Give me just one minute.” She gestured at the girl to follow her. I nodded and turned my attention to a family portrait on the wall. It was made almost three thousand years ago, and yet Charlie and I have not aged a day. Father stood on the far left with his fangs showing in his smile. To his left was Charlie, who looked so much like him. Her smile was subtle. I stood on Charlie’s left with a claw on her shoulder. To the left of me was mother, Lilith. Damn, I looked so much like her. I took a moment to listen out for Charlie’s conversation with the girl.
“Charlie, you need to be smart about this,” the girl whispered.
“I know, Vaggie, I know he probably doesn’t want to change,” Charlie started, “but the whole point of this is to see good in others and have faith things can be better. It goes against everything I’m working towards if I turn him away. Besides, he’s family. He won’t just let me down.”
“Charlie, if you make a deal with him-” the girl, Vaggie (who names their child that?) started with concern.
“Relax, I won’t let him get one over on me,” Charlie asserted. “So Dameon, I would like to alter an aspect of this deal before it’s official.” I turned my head one hundred eighty degrees clockwise before pivoting on my heel counter clockwise until my whole body was square with Charlie.
“Of course, dear bastard,” I chuckled. “What do you have in mind?”
“I don’t want you hurting any sinner regardless if they seek redemption or not, so you may practice my values of choosing forgiveness and kindness first,” Charlie explained. She kept glancing at Vaggie as she attempted to appear that she had more leverage.
“Hm.” I performed the action of deep thought. Perhaps it is best to leave violence at the door, I thought. “It’s a deal.” I had Sammy stand up right on her own as I extended my claw to shake her hand.
Slowly and hesitantly she took my claw and gave it a firm shake. I felt my body grow cold as black and orange flames circled us for a moment. When I pulled my claw back, I held it close to my chest as Charlie did the same with her hand.
“Did it work?” Charlie asked. The moment she did I grabbed Sammy and morphed her into her scythe form and went to strike the boy. Instead of piercing into soft flesh and feeling warm succulent blood spray on my face, a figure in Charlie’s image made of orange flame caught Sammy by the blade and only vanished the moment I made the conscious decision to not harm the boy.
“It appears so,” I answered as I turned to see the most horrified expression on Charlie’s face. Sammy morphed into her snake form as she slithered up my arm and rested across my shoulders. “Oh grant me grace, you asked, I provided proof.”
“Okay, I clearly didn’t cover enough bases,” Charlie laughed nervously as she strained a smile. “Please don’t do that like it’s a party trick, it’ll traumatize people.”
“Oh, very well if I must,” I sighed playfully. “By the way, where is your hotel staff?”
“Uh…” Charlie sheepishly pointed at Vaggie who appeared ready to fight me despite seeing how easily I disarmed her earlier.
“Ah, I see,” I chuckled as Sammy slithered down my back and onto the floor. I turned to the boy (Angel Dust, I recalled from the picture box). “And what can you do, my effeminate fellow?”
“I can suck your dick,” Angel Dust replied as he wiggled his eyebrows.
“Ha! I prefer men, not boys,” I chortled. I am thousands of years old, I don’t care if he is recognized as an adult by his kind, I doubt he’s even a century old, and that feels like a child to me.
“Your loss,” said Angel Dust.
“Well, I suppose my first act of aid is to cash in some favors to liven things up here,” I snapped my fingers and from the old fire place, a small three foot tall sinner girl covered in ash fell out. She opened her single orange cyclops eye before shaking the ash off of her revealing a poodle skirt and bug like arms and legs. “This little darling is Niffty.”
“Hi I’m Niffty!” she announced. “It’s nice to meet you! It’s been so long since I had new friends… Why are you all women? ARE THERE ANY MEN HERE?! I’m sorry if that’s rude.” Right on cue, Niffty started jumping from thought to thought in real time, scurrying from wall to wall haphazardly cleaning up the hotel. “Ooh man this place is filthy! It really needs a lady’s touch- which is weird because you’re all ladies, no offence. OH MY GOD THIS IS AWFUL!”
I snapped my fingers and a part of a casino on the other side of the city fused into a wall of the hotel.
“What the fuck is this?” a raspy voice asked from the dissipating smoke. A sinner boy that appeared as a black cat with feathered wings, wearing a top hat and a pair of suspenders was in clear view. His face morphed into one that carried so much disdain when he noticed me. “You!”
“Husker, my old pal,” I greeted.
“Don’t ‘Husker’ me bub,” he growled as he swatted my claw away. “I was about to win the whole damn pot!”
“Good to see you too.” I patted his head, ignoring his anger.
“‘The fuck do you want with me now?” Husk groaned.
“Well my friend, I’m doing some charity work and I took it upon myself to volunteer your services,” I answered, wrapping a hand around his shoulder. “I hope that’s okay?”
“Are you shitin’ me?!” Husk demanded.
“No, I don’t think so,” I cackled as Husk pushed me off of him.
“‘You really think it wouldn’t be some big fuckin’ riot to drag me all the way over here?!” Husk growled. “‘You think I’m some kinda fuckin’ clown?”
“Maybe,” I giggled, as I held up a bottle of low grade gin from the bar I teleported with Husk.
“You think you can buy me with a wink and some cheap booze?” Husk groaned as he swiped the bottle from my claw. “Well fuck you, ‘cuz you’re right.” Sammy slithered to me and warped back into cane form in my claw as Husk walked behind the bar.
“No, no bar, no alcohol!” Vaggie shouted attempting to assert some control over the situation. “This is a place that discourages sin! Not some-”
“SHUT UP!” Angel Dust tackled Vaggie. He then pointed to Husk “We are keeping this.” Angel Dust then slid up to the bar. “Hey~”
“Go fuck yourself,” Husk groaned.
“Only if you watch me, daddy~” Angel Dust almost moaned. Charlie pushed him aside in excitement to greet Husk.
“Oh my gosh, welcome to the Happy Hotel!” she cheered. “You are going to love it here!”
“I lost the ability to love years ago,” Husk growled before taking a big swig from the bottle.
“So, what do you think so far?” I asked Charlie.
“This is amazing!” she squealed as she rubbed her cheeks.
“It’s… okay,” Vaggie grumbled.
“Oh this is going to be very entertaining,” I chuckled.
“You have a dream you wish to tell
They find it laughable but I say ‘what the Hell?’
‘Cuz you're one of a kind: a charming demon belle
Now let's give these God damn fools a place to dwell!
Take it boys!
Inside of every sinner is a dark heart
But we’ll dress ‘em up for now with a smile!
(With a smile!)
Oh, we’ll coronate this cesspool with some ol’ redemption flair
And show these burning souls some proper class and style!
(Class and style!)
Oh, here below the ground
I’m sure your plan is sound
They’ll spend a little time down at your Hazbin ho-”
There was a great explosion that blew the door off. We all stepped out to investigate. There was a large mighty zeppelin with a shark tooth grin and what appeared to be a lightning rod that was smoking.
“Well, well, well, if it isn’t my old nemesis!” A raspy voice announced. A boy in the form of a hooded cobra with steam-punk prosthetic arms. “We meet again, Dameon!”
“Again?” I pondered. “Son, I have no clue who you are.” Millions of sinners name themselves as my nemesis, so pretending I don’t remember them gets them to leave me alone. At
the same time, because there are so many I genuinely do forget which is which.
“DO NOT LIE TO ME YOU HEDONISTIC HELLSPAWN!” the boy screamed. I clearly struck a nerve there. “Now prepare for your demise!”
Sammy morphed into her scythe form and I reduced the zeppelin to rubble. I pulled the boy from it as I cackled hysterically. I held him by the collar and held him close.
“I will say this once: run,” I growled in his ear and let him go. I stared at him for a moment and lifted Sammy above my head, but before I could bring her down, the boy slithered away. From the rubble, small egg creatures burrowed out and went after the boy.
I turned to everyone else. Charlie, Vaggie, and Angel Dust looked at me with such concerned faces. Husk and Niffty didn’t look as surprised.
“Well I’m starving, who here’s a fan of gumbo?” I asked, to diffuse the fear. Sammy morphed into her snake form and slithered by my side as I went back inside the hotel. “This kid once gave me a mean recipe for gumbo. In fact, it nearly killed him! You could say that kick was right out of Hell! I’m on quite the roll now aren’t I?”