Chapter Text
September
The first time Safi saw Max Caulfield, she was barging in on their meeting with her mother. Safi had never had an interest in personal boundaries, but when she entered without knocking — Vinh hot on her heel in a futile attempt to stop her — she halted. Not because she was intruding, but because the woman standing in front of her mother’s desk was well, captivating.
Her eyes quickly scanned her, from the worn-in Doc Martens to the yellow beanie she was wearing despite the mild autumn weather. Safi was, in every meaning of the word, intrigued. She could sniff out baggage from miles away, and if anyone had it it was this woman.
‘Mom, I need to borrow your car.’ Safi said, her eyes never leaving Max’s. ‘And your guest.’ a smirk grew on her face as the idea solidified.
Max followed her without much objection, which only served to fascinate her even more. She was either feeling the same as Safi, or she had a terrible survival instinct. Either way, they spent the afternoon on a tour of the campus, Safi pointing at students and making up dramatic stories that made Max laugh. They talked about their past, Max’s photography, her life on the road. Safi found herself listening even to the technical — and nerdy — details she arguably did not care about. Safi told her about life at Caledon, her poetry and plans for her future.
The sun was setting behind the quad when she saw Max shiver. She offered her jacket without a second thought, then wondered why she would rather endure the chill than see Max do.
‘Thank you so much for this.’ Max smiled, so bright Safi felt her usual smirk turn into a grin, too.
‘Don’t mention it. I am always happy to please.’ she winked.
Max’s cheeks turned crimson, her mouth opening then closing with a disbelieving laugh. ‘Are you always this flirty?’
‘Only when I enjoy the reaction.’
She wasn’t lying. Sure, Safi liked some light-hearted flirty banter, but this time it came with an added satisfaction of seeing Max falter, tripping over herself in search of words that never came. How could Safi not enjoy this?
‘Well, seriously. Thank you.’ Max shook her head. ‘I was worried I would not find any friends.’ she said, mouth twitching with the truth of it.
Ah, vulnerability. This was where Safi’s shining personality dimmed. But she had a feeling this converation would be different. Or maybe she would be.
‘Hey, thats perfectly normal. I was shitting bricks before my first day here!’ Safi reached for Max’s hand, squeezing gently. ‘And look at me now. I am a fan-favourite on this campus.’ she said with a theatrical opening of her arms, finally eliciting a laugh from Max.
‘I am not sure my personality is quite as captivating.’ she smiled, shy.
Safi inhaled, clutching her heart. ’So I am captivating?’
Max’s cheek were reddening again, and Safi wanted to pinch them.
‘You have a certain charm, I admit.’
Safi bowed, trying with every bone in her body to keep this light. To keep the nagging reality of that something big swirling in her stomach at bay. Even then, on that crisp September day, Safi had the same feeling she had when opening a brand new journal.
There was a good chance Max Caulfield would be the death of her.
‘Let me walk you home.’ Safi threw her arm around Max’s shoulders, tapping lightly on her — Safi’s — jacket and Max beamed up at her.
‘Can I ask you something?’ she asked and Safi bit her tongue. Usually her lips would form a simple no, even before the other person was done asking.
‘Shoot.’ she found herself saying instead.
‘Why poetry?’
Usually, when people asked, they were curious why Safi would spend precious time and money on a ‘dying art’. That was at least, how most gym-bros and finance guys phrased it. The ones with a few braincells, that is. The others…well, they just laughed and made shitty ‘roses-are-red’ jokes.
But Max was looking at her so intently, like Safi could tell her it was because she liked to waste her time, or because she enjoyed offering her heart on a silver platter for others to shit on and she would get it all the same. Truly, soul-shatteringly get it. Safi had to blink herself back to reality.
‘I am not exactly the best at…being myself.’ Safi finally said. ‘Poetry is a way for me to show who I am. To really bare my soul and let others peek inside. The good and the ugly.’
She had been right. Max nodded with an intensity she had only seen on Maya, long ago. Her heart tugged at the memory, but then Max’s hand was on her shoulder and she snapped back into the moment.
‘I have a feeling we will be great friends.’ Max said, electric blue eyes fixed on Safi’s brown ones.
Yes, Safi thought. Great friends. That would be great indeed.
# December
Max seemed to be fitting in at Caledon just as well as Safi thought she would be. Not that Safi thought or worried much about Max. Occassionally, sure, but who didn’t think about their newfound best friend in the mornings? Or when they passed a bakery with their favourite pastries — such as now?
Safi had to walk backwards to marvel at the selection in the window. She bit her cheek, wondering if Max would want the blueberry muffin or the fudgy brownie. Then, she realised it was Friday. Max was having hot chocolate with Moses, so she already had her fill of chocolatey treats.
Blueberry muffin in hand, she arrived at Max’s house. Her hands were getting antsy at the thought of Max’s expression shifting from that worried little frown she seemed to be born with, and breaking out in a smile at the sight of the pastry — and hopefully Safi, too.
She knocked with her elbow, waiting on the porch. No answer came. She knocked again, but there was silence.
‘Max? If you don’t reply I will come in!’ she shouted through the closed window by the door.
She was met with silence again. Lucky for her, she knew exactly where Max hid her extra key (on Safi’s keychain) and she entered her house with ease.
The familiar scent of Max wrapped around her as soon as she closed the door behind herself. She looked around, but she was nowhere to be found.
‘Max?’ she tried again, to no avail.
She took her shoe off, despite Max always telling her it was okay to keep it on. Safi could never quite agree with that lifestyle. She placed the bag of pastries on the counter and looked around once more.
‘Where the hell is this woman?’ she mumbled to herself.
They spent every friday evening together. By November, it was a well-established fact that required no check-ins. Safi would bring some kind of snacks, while Max supplied the beer slash wine and the selection of movies.
But now, Max was nowhere to be found. Except, her laptop was right there on the coffee table, open. It had to have been used recently, because Safi could feel the heat radiating off it even from the other side of the room. She rolled her eyes, thinking of the amount of times Safi had offered to help buy her a new model that didn’t burn with the heat of the surface of the sun. Max refused, every time, citing ‘emotional connection’ and ‘nostalgia’. Just like Moses and that damn kettle.
She stepped closer to the laptop, even though she knew it was a breach of privacy. But what she would have given to peak into the mind of Max Caulfield. Even just a brief look at a photoshoot she was working on, anything to give her an idea.
She moved the mouse, and Max’s background came to life. Safi gasped, taking a step back. Then another.
It was her. Safi, holding her middle finger up, eyebrows scrunched at the camera. There was no one else on the photo, only her face, close and highlighted by the sun’s light. She wondered if this was how Max saw her— Pouting and harsh, with a smile hiding behind her frown. It must have been. She wasn’t sure if she was happy with this version of herself, but seeing herself on the laptop — as if she belonged to Max — was a sight she had to swallow at. Hard.
‘Safi?’ a voice came from upstairs. It sounded like Max had just woken up.
‘Good morning sleeping beauty.’ Safi shouted back, her voice light. Her thoughts reeled.
Max’s footsteps came rushing down, and she arrived to the living room mere moments later.
‘I am so sorry, my day has been a mess and I needed a quick power nap.’ she huffed out air. ‘I wanted to be energized for our date night.’
Date. Night.
They had used the expression countless times before. Safi knew exactly what it meant. The exact same thing it had always meant. There was no difference. Except Safi was still staring back at herself from the laptop.
‘Don’t apologize. Seriously.’ she paced. ‘Actually, I am the one who should be. I can’t stay.’ Safi hurried towards the door, a thumb pointing behind her shoulder. ‘There is…something I have to deal with.’ she cringed internally.
Max’s face scrunched. She knew Safi was lying, but for once in her life didn’t pry.
‘Are you sure?’ she simply asked and Safi nodded before she even finished the sentence.
‘Yes. I am sorry. I will make it up to you, though!’ Safi said, practically falling out the door.
‘Okay well, stay safe.’ Max followed her.
She watched as Safi dragged herself away from the porch, almost jogging towards the campus.
‘What the fuck?’ she asked herself as Safi’s figure disappeared down the road.
They didn’t talk for a week. Well, Max tried. She texted an alarming number of times, asking if she was okay, if she wanted to grab lunch or if she was even alive. Funny, but Safi was thinking she might just die if she had to face Max.
But she knew she had to. She spent every evening chainsmoking at the Snapping Turtle, or the observatory with Moses. Who was no help, by the way.
‘Wouldn’t it be easier to just tell Max the truth?’ he asked for the hundreth time.
‘And what truth is that?’ Safi scoffed. ‘Hi Max! I have these weird feelings for you that even I am unsure about?’
‘Well, when you put it like that…’ Moses hummed, a puzzled look on his face.
‘Thank you!’ Safi clapped.
‘At the very least, you should figure out what you feel, though.’ Moses offered.
Safi groaned, long and hard. She didn’t want to think about this. Didn’t Moses understand the purpose of avoiding someone?
The night ended with Moses giving her a friendly squeeze of her shoulder, accompanied by a knowing look. Safi rolled her eyes, knowing too.
Two days later, she decided to bite the bullet and finally talk to Max. Not about her murky feelings. For now, she just had to stop avoiding her. All this dodging her was getting on Moses’ nerves too, she could tell. He was getting stressed, not being able to tell Max what Safi was doing or why she hadn’t responded to her texts.
So Safi decided to do what she did best. Avoid the uncomfortable tugging in her chest and act like everything was fine. She texted Max to meet her at the Snapping Turtle, and when Max walked in, she greeted her with a warm hug and a cold beer.
‘What have you been up to? I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages.’ Max asked. Safi was impressed, noting that she lasted five whole minutes.
She knew this would be coming, but still felt unprepared.
‘Jeez, can’t a girl have her reclusive period?’ she deflected. It felt weak even to herself.
‘Um, sure you can. I just missed you, is all.’
Fuck. Safi had to focus on the table between them to be able to breathe. She felt like she was in a blender, being crushed into pulp.
‘We need to get you some company!’ she exclaimed, trying to appear non-frantic.
It was like a lightbulb going off above her head. Yes, if Max started dating someone she would surely lose interest over time.
‘Oh…Sure.’ Max seemed stiffened by the idea, her forehead creasing with something strangely uncertain. Safi grabbed her hand. It was soft and warm, but she didn’t — couldn’t...well wouldn’t…okay it was more like shouldn’t — think about it. Not for long, anyways.
’No, no think about it!’ Safi tried. ‘How long has it been? Years, right? I will help you get back out there.’
Max rolled her eyes, but Safi didn’t miss the way the tips of her ears reddened.
‘What do you think about Amanda?’ Safi lifted an eyebrow, wiggling it.
Max’s eyes darted to the bartender.
‘Absolutely not!’
‘Why not?’
‘She works here! What if it goes horribly wrong? I could not show my face here again!’
‘Sure, but…What if it goes right?’ Safi redirected.
Max paused. Then, those big blue eyes left hers, time slowing into a halt as they landed lower to what Safi could only assume were her lips. But that couldn’t be, could it? No, surely Safi was just drunk. Off the one beer she had been sipping on for half an hour. She shook her head, and Max’s gaze was already tilted towards the bar.
Right, Amanda.
'So?’ Safi asked. Max sighed, then got on her feet.
‘Are you sure this is a good idea?’ the question was simple but the way Max was staring at her told her it was just like the woman herself — there was more behind it than met the eye.
’Sure.’ Safi shrugged. She ignored the way every atom in her body buzzed with the word ‘no’.
‘Fuck it.’ Max exclaimed, clapping.
Safi couldn’t shake the last glance Max gave her before turning away. If she didn’t know better, she would’ve thought Max was annoyed. Or maybe Safi saw what she wanted to see.
She watched as Max made her way to the bar, hopping up on the stool in front of Amanda who was leaning forward already. The table felt cold, suddenly. Safi watched some more, waiting patiently for the knot in her stomach to release. It didn’t.
Then, it started to — right as Max approached the table again with a glorious smile, holding up a piece of paper with the bartender’s phone number scribbled on it. Safi smiled back, proud. She finally understood what screaming on the inside felt like.
’We have a date on Sunday!’ Max whisper shouted. She hadn’t seen her this excited since…Well, since they had met and Safi whisked her away in her mother’s Porsche.
‘Look at you go Mad Max!’ Safi raised her fist in the air, then her breath hitched with the weight of Max crushing down on her.
‘Such. A. Hugger.’ she tried getting out, but Max’s relentlessly tightening embrace stole the air out of her lungs.
Alarm bells rang, everywhere. Safi stiffened, half of her wanting to push her away, but the other…
Safi wrapped an arm around Max’s shoulder, and another by the side of her hip, looping herself around her friend. Max squeeled, happy to feel Safi return the hug. She didn’t know if that made it better or worse. Perhaps both.
It seemed to go on forever, the two of them sitting in the booth, enveloping each other as if the world would end when their embrace did. Safi laughed, short and disbelieving. She would be damned if she ended this. But Max seemed just as content to become skeletons right there, their skin enfusing into one big mesh of her and Safi. Or maybe she was just a hugger.
When Safi couldn’t take it anymore, she chuckled again, swaying Max’s body side to side, still locked together. Max let herself be moved, following Safi like a branch in the wind.
Was that what they were? Was Safi the fire and Max her timber? A flash of guilt appeared, like a bucket of cold water. Even asking Amanda was her idea. A greedy, entirely self-serving idea. Did she want to see Max happy with Amanda, or did she just want to push her into someone’s arms so she wouldn’t be in hers?
Well, if that was the plan than she had just drank poison and she didn’t get to ask for an antidote. Moses would definitely say something about a bed having been made here.
‘Thank you for always pushing me.’ came the mumbled words from Max, right next to Safi’s ear.
‘Your personal cheerleader, ready to serve.’ Safi smiled and Max finally released her grip.
‘Yeah, yeah laugh all you want.’ Max rolled her eyes.
Safi did laugh. She laughed, then went home, to an apartment that stinged with quiet.
# January
Safi had not seen Max in weeks. They texted, every day but since setting her up with Amanda, they had become joined at the hip. Plans were cancelled last minute because they got concert tickets, or Max wanted to get in one last photoshoot. They were all spontaneous plans Max used to invite Safi to.
She sighed, as another text came through, knowing before even looking it would be another lonely friday evening.
Max: Hey! I am SO sorry but Amanda has a stand-up tonight so I can’t do movie night. I know, I know it’s like the third time but…yeah. I am sorry. Miss you.
Safi pursed her lips, considering how she wanted this to play out. She missed Max. Her usual reply would be a snarky remark, or even passive agressive silence. But it’s been at least two weeks since their last proper quality time, and she really, really needed to get out of the house.
Safi: Hey! Whatever, love birds. I will let it slide, but you really do owe me compensation at this point. On that note, how good is this stand up?
Her phone pinged almost immediately.
Max: Your next three rounds are on me at the bar. And the stand-up is…tolerable. Amanda is good but I would rather not comment on the rest. Are you thinking of joining???
Safi: How could I not when you hype it up so well?
Max: OMG yesss! Please come and keep me company. Amanda will be backstage pretty much the whole time so its just me.
Safi felt electric. She paced around her apartment for the whole afternoon, back and forth. Max was her friend and she missed her, it was that simple. Sure she felt a keen interest in where she was, who she was with and what she was doing but wasn’t that supposed to happen with friends? Wasn’t that just how every women’s frienship went?
Anyways, it was just a hang out. She had done that pre-Amanda every week, practically every day. It was nothing different. Besides the cutting pain she felt when Amanda leaned into Max, or kissed her passingly, like it wasn’t the most memorable part of her day.
Fuck this.
She entered the bar in Lakeport, peeling off her winter jacket. Her skin felt flushed by the humid heat inside, but she pushed through towards the bar. Then she stopped halfway, spotting Max alone in a booth. Her brunette waves framed her face, illuminated only by her phone in the half-lit room. Her breath caught in her throat, wondering if the halo she saw around her friend was real or something playing with her vision.
Yeah, Safi was thoroughly fucked.
Despite the dingy bar, goosebumps rose across her skin, suddenly running hot and cold. Max — as if sensing her, too — looked up and their eyes met from across the bar.
Max seemed to find her like this often. From across the quad, when Safi was reading, she often felt the lingering gaze of someone only to be met by piercing blue from across the field. When Safi was with Moses at the Snapping Turtle, her eyes found Max’s already looking far too many times to count. She couldn’t decide who was the magnet and who was the iron, pulling and pulling until they collided. Maybe they were two halves of the same one.
She sighed, drawing it out. Her eyes could not leave Max’s, watching and watching as the smile stretched across her face, unaware of her own mimicking the same wide grin.
‘Finally! I am so happy to see you!’ Max stood to greet her, this time with a much shorter hug.
‘Little old me?’ Safi waved her hand in playful dismissal.
‘Duh, who wouldn’t want to see their little old best friend?’
Safi smiled, delighted. Oh, to be Max Caulfield’s best friend. If she had known this when she barged in on her mother’s meeting all those months ago she would’ve…well, done the same.
‘So, tell me everything. What’s up with Caledon’s up-and-coming resident artist?’ Safi leaned in.
Max’s eyes lit up, like it did every time someone let her talk photography. What a nerd, Safi thought as her eyes traced along her features. She looked happy, and the tugging anxiety of her selfishness relented a little.
Maybe she wanted Max out of reach. Maybe she wanted her happy. Same difference.
‘— But what about you?’ she was pulled back by a hand on her wrist, squeezing excitedly.
‘Oh, let’s see. I am freezing my ass off every day since the heating in my apartment is fucked. My mother is on said ass about not spending enough time with her.’ she listed, counting on her fingers. ‘Right, and my best friend has been ditching me for the better part of a month because she has a hot new babe to worry about.’
Max rolled her eyes, but her hand squeezed again.
‘Again, I am sorry about that. You know I love you, it’s just…hard to balance everything. I am a little overwhelmed, to be honest.’ she looked down at the table and Safi’s heart tugged.
‘Spill. Your emotional waste bin is right here.’ she opened her arms and Max chuckled.
‘Are you sure? I hate those people who only talk about their relationships.’
Safi snorted. ‘Yeah me, too. But I am offering. And my life is boring right now, so I need to hear someone else’s drama.’
‘Okay, okay.’ Max took a deep breath and laid back in her chair. ‘It’s just that…Amanda is so secure, you know?’
‘Yeah. She goes to therapy and everything. Practically a walking green flag.’ Safi said blowing a raspberry. Max gave her a playful shove over the table.
‘Ha ha. Funny, but that is basically my problem. She knows who she is. Her life is so full with hobbies and hopes, plans.’ she trailed off, looking somewhere behind Safi’s shoulder. ‘Then there is me. I barely know what I want a week from now. There is only a handful of things I am sure about in my life, and I am afraid Amanda is too…serene for my storm.’
Max looked away, her lips pressed in a thin line. If only she was a mind reader, Safi thought. She would patrol Max’s mind like a guard dog for any thought that made her feel like this.
‘Poetic.’ Safi nodded.
‘Shut up.’
With a sigh, Safi leaned in and Max followed immediately.
‘Max Caulfield, you undersell yourself.’
‘In what way?’
‘If you let me finish I would tell you.’ Safi pinched her nose with a grin.
‘Sorry. Go on.’ she smiled, scrunching her nose as Safi’s fingers let go of it.
‘Max, you are incredible. Part of your appeal is that no one knows what goes on in that pretty little mind.’ she pointed at her temple, noticing how Max’s eyes darted between her finger and eyes. ‘You are interesting, unlike 99% of Lakeport. You are spontaneous and funny and smart. Fuck the serenity! I wouldn’t want to spend my days with someone who doesn’t bring at least a little storm with them.’ she smiled.
Max stared at her. It was one of those where Safi’s insides scrambled together, tying and untying. She saw her chest rise and fall, her shoulders tense and then slouch. She watched as her pupils dilated then the blue returned.
‘Lucky for you that chaos always seems to find me, then.’ she whispered, so silent Safi had to lean in further to hear it.
‘Well, lucky for you, so do I.’
She regretted it as soon as the words left her. They hung between them like the blade of a guillotine. She held her breath, swallowing. She was aware of every inch between them, the air dense with something she couldn’t name. Max’s eyes were laser focused on her, and it only made hers widen. Her brain screamed, begging to not look down, begging for either more or less space. She couldn’t control it when her eyes flickered down to see Max’s tongue come out to wet her lips.
Shit. It was the last straw, her awareness snapping back and she practically flung herself back against the chair.
‘I need some air, I’ll be back in a sec.’ she stood abruptly. Max just nodded.
‘Sure, I’ll text Amanda. Maybe she can come say hi before she goes on.’
‘Sounds good!’ she rushed towards the door, clutching her cigarettes.
‘Idiot.’ she mumbled to herself as she lit one. Then another.
At the end of the night, Max was a little over tipsy. Safi was not exactly sober either, but she held onto the better part of her self-control. Which was not a lot.
‘What a lightweight!’ Amanda held one of Max’s arms, laughing at Safi who was clutching the other.
‘Right? And a nerd, too. There’s really no redeeming qualities.’
Max looked up at her, eyes darting between the two women hoisting her up.
‘Hey! I can hear you guys.’ she lifted her chin and Safi shared a knowing look with Amanda over her shoulders.
‘I have an early morning. Can you stay with her?’ Amanda asked when they reached Max’s porch.
Safi hesitated. She wanted nothing more than to take care of Max. But taking care of Max was the exact opposite of taking care of herself.
‘Sure.’ she said, because of course she did.
Once inside, Safi took Max’s shoes off and carefully led her to the couch, falling over discarded vinyls and photography books.
‘You hungry?’ Safi placed a blanket over her, Max’s eyes already fluttering closed.
‘Mhm.’ she mumbled back.
Safi took one last look at her, making sure she was cozy, then headed towards the kitchen. She tried her best to finish the grilled cheese (the one thing she found ingredients for) before Max fell asleep, but knew before she spotted her on the couch that she would be too late.
She was right. Max was fallen over, curled up under the blanket, sighing softly in her sleep. Safi shifted from one foot to the other, unsure if she wanted to wake her or…
Goddamn it.
She stepped closer, a hand gently shaking Max’s shoulder.
‘Hey, sleepyhead. Let’s eat before we go to sleep, okay?’
Max’s eyebrows knit together. She shook her head, still half asleep.
‘No, I want to sleep.’
‘Yeah, well tough luck.’ Safi shrugged, grabbing Max tenderly. ‘Trust me you will thank me in the morning.’
Max groaned, but sat up. She took the plate that was shoved into her hands and glanced at Safi sideways.
‘Extra mayo?’
‘Just how you like it.’ Safi nodded, tapping on the plate. ‘Now chop chop. We are not leaving until the plate is empty.’
Another groan came from Max. Despite her complaints, she devoured the sandwich and asked for another. It was Safi’s turn to groan.
‘This is unfair, you know I can’t resist those doe-eyes.’
‘Yes, I know you.’ Max didn’t even hide her tactics, instead leaning into Safi further.
Safi stood, a bit faster than necessary. Max was staring after her, watching as she made her a second grilled cheese that Max later deemed the ‘best one she has ever had’. Safi scoffed, doubting her friend would even remember what she had eaten in the morning.
‘I think I will sleep here on the couch.’ Max rolled to her side.
‘Woah woah. Slow your roll, cowboy.’ Safi reached for her, knowing she was minutes away from passing out. ‘I need the couch. Let’s take you to your bed.’
‘No, no. Too late.’ she was already closing her eyes, despite the slight tapping on her cheek Safi tried to keep her awake with. ‘C’mon we both fit.’
Safi’s lungs could not take in more air. All she heard was her pulse, drumming away in her ears. There was absolutely no good answer here.
One would break her.
The other…would break her in a different way.
At the end of each choice was Safi in pieces.
She stood, needing to breathe something other than Max’s light perfume. She always smelled so heady — like spices in an autumn morning. It was pleasant, but confusing. Especially now, mixed with the scent of alcohol that somehow made Safi want to curl around her even more.
‘Max the couch is not comfortable. You should sleep in your bed. Which I know is great, because I helped you drag it upstairs, remember?’ she kneeled by her face again.
No answer. She fell asleep.
‘Rude.’ Safi complained to Max’s closed eyes.
She couldn’t just leave her there, so without much thought she reached under her knees and lifted Max off the couch. She was surprisingly light, so dropping her was not a problem — which was good because she absolutely had not thought about that.
Max was out cold, so Safi could untangle her limbs once on the bed. She took off Max’s jacket, leaving her in her soft-looking sweater and jeans. Yeah, there was no way she would touch that.
After making sure she was taken care of, she took her place on the couch. Safi fell asleep to the lingering scent of Max’s shampoo — cardamom and something she hadn’t quite figured out yet — and decided that she would be rid of whatever sickness had infected her by morning.
# February
With february came a chilling cold that Safi preferred to hide away from. Like her, Max was very much a warm-weather person. She knew this, because they spent the whole month of november complaining about the chilling wind and pouring rain that made their bones wither.
Except now, Max was out in the snow, busy throwing snowballs at Amanda and Vinh. Safi watched from the window of the observatory, something bitter on her lips. The poison had infected every major organ by now, and the world was shrinking and shrinking until all there was left was her ache.
She stood there, writing poems that all kept circling the same thing. Craving, hunger, urges. She didn’t know how long she could hold herself up. These emotions were waves, crashing into her, pulling, then unmooring her with a sudden drop.
With a sigh, she put it on the page. Sheets and sheets of poems she could never show. A hollow way to soothe the gaping hole in her…Fitting.
With a scoff at her own thoughts, she turned towards the door. She needed a smoke.
‘Hey Safi.’ Moses appeared.
‘Hi there.’ Safi halted. ‘What’s up?’
Moses looked her up and down, considering her mood. She couldn’t even imagine what he was thinking. Well, okay maybe she could.
‘You wanna help me on the roof?’ he asked, and Safi, like the diligent friend she was, followed him.
Hours later they were laughing over hot chocolate. It was still cold, but Moses’ presence loosened her muscles at least.
‘Can we finally talk about it?’ he asked, using the lull in their conversation.
‘About what?’
‘Safi.’ Moses took in a deep breath. ‘Please don’t make me into one of those wise side characters who only appear to tell the main character why they are idiots.’
Safi laughed. In the past months, she had been so reclusive that she hadn’t even noticed how little she had seen Moses. He probably had a point.
‘Don’t you enjoy being smarter than everyone?’
‘Sure, in my job. Not in my social life, though.’ he pointed a finger at her, accusing. ‘Besides, you are damn smart yourself. Just playing stupid when you are afraid.’
‘Afraid?!’ Safi gasped, clutching her heart. ‘How dare you!’
‘Cut it out.’ Moses raised an eyebrow. ‘At least with me.’
With a grimace, Safi turned away. How annoying to have a friend who sees right through you.
‘I am fine. Or, I will be.’ she said.
‘What does that even mean? Neither of you are fine.’
Safi’s eyes snapped to Moses’. ‘What? Max seems okay. Better than okay, actually.’
‘Oh, you think?’ Moses was looking at her down-right annoyed now.
‘Yeah, I do.’ Safi scoffed. ‘Look, I don’t know what you think I have done but Max is the one avoiding me. She keeps dodging our plans, spending all her days with Amanda.’
Moses blinked, tilting his head a bit. Even that expression pissed her off. She had been nothing but good and he was still on her case, making this a big deal when he didn’t even know what he was talking about.
’Safi— ‘
‘No, you know what? I don’t want to talk about this. Not now, not ever.’ she stood from her chair, shooting him a glare. ‘Understood?’
‘Okay, fine but—‘
‘No. No buts. Zip it!’
Moses sighed, long. So long Safi had to roll her eyes, but then he nodded, putting his hands up in surrender. He didn’t ask again, but Safi saw him rubbing his temples every time she stared blankly towards their friends building a snowman below them.
At sundown, Safi gathered her things and headed down the stairs.
‘Just one thing, Safi.’ Moses called after her. She was ready to dodge any advice, but the worried look on his face made her listen. ’Talk to her, okay?’
She bit her lip, looking up at the sky. It was golden hour. Max must be somewhere by the lake, catching the last light of the day.
‘Fine.’ she leveled her eyes on Moses, then turned. ‘I love you.’ she called back, in a sing-song voice.
Moses laughed, repeating her words back.
Safi found Max by the lake, just like she had assumed. Illuminated by the sun, Safi thought about those long summer nights before Max had showed up. She had spent them writing, right in the chair that she was standing next to, camera in her hands. But now, she was not looking at the view — her world had compressed into Max, then everything else. Staring at her, Safi knew she had been put in this world to find her — or for Max to find her.
Time had become nothing but a tapestry of moments with and without Max. Her best friend, she reminded herself because she had to.
Then — because Max had that special power — she turned around and locked her eyes on Safi. She was not surprised even for a moment to see her. Just smiled, waving her over.
‘Safi.’ she pulled her into a hug, Safi swaying in it. Like thousands of times before.
‘Hey there. How is the session?’
‘Oh it’s okay.’ Max shrugged. ‘Better now that you are here.’
Safi’s heart skipped a beat, but she was expecting it now.
‘Is it now?’ Safi smirked. ‘You need a model?’
She posed, her attention entirely on the way Max’s face scrunched adorably with her laugh. She wondered how blown her pupils looked. She stepped back, letting Max take a few pictures, spending every one trying to make her elicit that same laugh.
When she finally had enough, they found themselves chairs on the shore. Max shivered, and Safi gave her her gloves. Her own fingers were turning red, but the thought of Max’s ice-frozen hands made her hand them over on instinct.
‘Won’t you freeze?’ Max asked, her forehead creasing.
Safi waved her away. ‘Eh, I’m a big girl.’
Max gave her a scowl, but put the gloves on still. Then, without asking she reached for Safi’s hand, placing it between her own two. She rubbed it, keeping it warm. It helped, but the warmth spread, turning her cheeks a shade of pink that would be hard to disguise — even with the cold. Safi tensed, staring blankly towards the horizon. Her other hand, hidden by her side, clenched in a fist, knuckles turning white.
‘I have to tell you something.’ Max spoke. Safi gulped. ‘And please don’t be mad I haven’t told you until now. I just…Couldn’t find the right moment.’
Fuck fuck fuck. That was pretty much all Safi heard inside her brain, on a loop.
‘Stop stalling, Max.’ she sighed. ‘It is making me nervous.’
‘Right, sorry.’ she chuckled, tense. ‘Amanda and I broke up.’
In the moment Safi didn’t know how she was capable of feeling so many emotions. First, she wanted to fist bump the air, run a marathon, then breakdance (the last two would probably kill her). Second, she wanted to throw up, right into the lake. Third, she needed to scream, run, hide and possibly change her name on the way to a cabin in the woods, away from society.
‘Oh.’ was how she decided to convey it all.
‘Yeah.’ was how Max replied.
Safi felt like she should ask something. She wanted to. But she also didn’t.
‘I—‘
‘So—‘
They started at the same time. God, what a mess, Safi cringed at herself.
She gestured for Max to speak first.
‘I have been meaning to tell you.’
‘Why have you not?’
Max looked guilty, gazing at the water. Her hand stopped rubbing Safi’s and she immediately missed the warmth.
‘Well, you had so much hope for us. It seemed like you really want Amanda and I to work out, so…’
Oh.
‘You thought I would be disappointed?’
Max inhaled sharply. ‘Yeah.’
Safi’s chest tightened, and the need for more contact was burning her skin again. She had been far more selfish than she had thought.
‘Max…I just wanted you to be happy.’ she said, squeezing her friend’s hand. ‘I am so sorry I made you feel like you can disappoint me, especially with something so stupid.’
Max gave a small smile, still tense.
‘I had a feeling you wanted some space from me. So I tried to stay away, spend time with others, hoping you would come back once you were ready.’
The world was turning on its axis, Safi was sure. It had to be an alternate reality, where Safi was slowly tortured for crimes she could not remember. Max was quicksand that she kept walking into, over and over again. With the deepest sigh she had ever taken she organised every thought she could. Folders of it was threatening to push through her lips, demanding to be said. She shut her eyes, squeezing, combing through them again — looking for the perfect words. Except they kept mixing with the ones she didn’t dare look at.
‘Max…’ she sighed.
‘It’s okay, I understand I can be a lot sometimes.’ Max spoke. ‘I just wish you were honest with me. You can tell me if you need me to leave you alone.’
To leave Safi alone? Safi would sooner stop breathing than be away from her. Didn’t Max get it? If she left, there would be nothing solid left. Only the rubble that was her life.
‘Max, please stop.’
She did, looking at Safi like she was nothing but good — when all Safi felt
was bad.
‘Do you know the story of Ariadne?’ she asked her, and Max nodded.
‘Yes, with the string.’
‘Yeah. Ariadne gives Theseus the thread to navigate the labyrinth. He kills the Minotaur, becomes a legend, et cetera.’
‘Sure, yes. So?’ Max listened intently.
‘Do you know what happened to Ariadne after?’
Max tilted her head, considering it. ‘No, actually.’
Safi pursed her lips. ‘She is abandoned by Theseus. Left behind.’
Max didn’t move. The only indication that she heard her was the gentle caress of her thumb across Safi’s freezing palm. Somehow Safi’s insides were colder than her skin. The air was thick with the silence, suffocating her. How she wished to take the words back.
But Max suddenly raised her head, eyes scanning her face slowly. Safi couldn’t decide if she was leaning in, or if she was hallucinating. Neither was less likely than the other.
Warm hands cupped her face, thumbs running across her cheeks and she wanted to melt into them. If she had any sensible bone left in her, she would retreat. She would tell Max it was cold, that she had work or any other excuse to get away.
But she couldn’t, not when she felt so…loved.
‘I don’t think you are Ariadne.’ Max whispered. ‘I think you are my yarn.’
Safi chuckled, just then realising the warm streak on her cheek was a thin line of tears. Max wiped it away before they reached her chin.
‘Yarn, huh?’ the corner of her lips turned upward.
Max smirked back at her with a soft exhale.
‘You know what I mean.’
Safi wanted to joke. Instead, she closed her eyes, waiting for the ringing in her ears to calm. When she opened them, blue eyes darted up from her lips — Or the trail of tears on her cheek.
Either way, when they leaned back, the silence stretched around them. Safi’s hand lay forgotten in Max’s lap, until it was time to go home.