Work Text:
When The Party’s Over
Hyunjin stares at himself in the reflection of the mirrors lining the wall, its 3AM the JYP building is silent other than the hum of the air conditioning. His eyes track down his body, the way his hair falls loose from the half up half down style. How his eyes are red rimmed and puffy, his lips still swollen and bruised. His eyes tracks the faint bruises slipping past the collar of his shirt, darkening with each passing hour like a painful reminder. How they stop at his chest, where the pain radiates the most, he can’t see it not physically, but he can feel it in the way it hurts to take a breath in.
The song plays on repeat, over, and over. The same lyrics, same melody, same rhythm for the past two hours. His white t-shirt clings to his body, sweat pouring down his skin like rain drops in spring. Every inch of his body burns, but he can’t stop. His limbs move without his permission, like it’s the only way to not drown in the emotions flooding his body.
Call me friend but keep me closer (call me back)
And I'll call you when the party's over
It flashes through his mind like a projector flipping through films, shining against a wall.
Felix.
Soft blonde hair, doe brown eyes staring up at him, pink heart shaped lips parted in a gasp, freckles catching the streetlight coming through his bedroom window. His small hands tangled in Hyunjin’s hair, his teeth against his skin.
The way Felix tastes still lingers on his tongue, sweet, salty, and so wholly Felix that it drives him to the brink of insanity. The way Felix moaned his name, soft gasp with each touch, until he was overcome sweet nothings falling past his lips like a broken prayer and Hyunjin’s name was at the beginning and end still rings in his ear. The way Felix clenched around him like a vice, keeping him so deep inside that Hyunjin could see the bulge against Felix stomach as he came crying out to the heavens almost as if he was begging for God to take his angel back.
Hyunjin followed, those three words spoke in Felix’s soft freckled skin.
Hyunjin wishes he would’ve never let them finish, that he would’ve drawn Felix’s release out until he was so overcome that they both fell into exhaustion after. That way Felix couldn’t have cuddled into him, cupping his jaw tears brimming his eyes as he told him.
“I love you Jinnie, you know I do… but I can’t keep doing this.”
“Are-are you saying you don’t want this anymore…that you want to-“
“I can’t do this anymore Jinnie.”
But nothin' is better sometimes
Once we've both said our goodbyes
Let's just let it go
Let me let you go
Hyunjin’s knee gives out, as he hits the rehearsal room floor.
“Fuck!” His hand hits the flooring, making his already burning muscles ignite causing him to wince.
He held Felix, telling him he understood. That he could love them enough for the both of them, that Felix didn’t have to do anything he would do it for them. He ignored the burning sensation in his eyes when Felix told him he couldn’t. He ignored the way his heart shattered when he told Hyunjin he couldn’t love them enough. He ignored the way it felt someone had ripped his soul from his body when he told Hyunjin that he couldn’t love Hyunjin back the way he needed. He waited until Felix was asleep before he slipped out of Felix’s bed, throwing his clothes on grabbing his bag, not allowing himself to break until he was down the street heading towards JYP.
He’s never left Felix.
Not even after that first night when it all came to a head and they were terrified, he never left.
He bites his lip, ignoring the iron that blooms against his tongue as the pain distracts him from the ache in his chest.
He lied, he lied and told Felix he understood, that he would be okay, that they would be okay.
He lied, because he can’t lose Felix anymore than he already has.
No matter how badly it kills him.
He can’t lose Felix.
Quiet when I'm comin' home and I'm on my own
I could lie, say I like it like that, like it like that
I could lie, say I like it like that, like it like that
He pushes himself off the ground, letting the song repeat as he goes through the choreography his heart has created for him.
He ignores the burn, the ache, the way pain shoots down his back on a turn, he ignores the tears mixing with sweat falling down his flushed face.
It’s easier to ignore the blade sticking out of the wound, than it is to pull it out and watch it bleed.
He didn’t hear the commotion in the hall as idols begin to fill in for their morning lessons, didn’t notice the music stop from his phone dying as his body kept moving only stopping when the choreography ends. His body swaying, exhaustion heavy in his bones. He stumbles, his eyes hazing slightly as he gasp for air. He looks in the mirror, he’s a mess, sweat dripping down his body, hair plastered to his face as it falls out of the hair tie, his face flushed, lips cracked and bloody from dehydration and him constantly biting at them.
He straightens his shoulders, placing a fake smile on his face making his eyes softer, making the pain look bright.
He can pretend to be fine, he can fake being okay.
As long as he has Felix in some way.
He can pretend.
A month goes by and he thinks no one’s noticed, that no one sees how his face falls when Felix doesn’t sit beside him during live videos anymore, how his shoulders slightly slump when Felix goes and hangs out with Han or Jeongin instead of coming over for their weekly K-drama marathon. He thinks no one sees how he slowly stops talking to Felix, when Felix begins to not answer him claiming he hadn’t heard Hyunjin, or giving half his attention to him. He thinks no one sees how his smile has slowly faded, only brightening when Felix laughs, only to dim when he notices it’s not because of him.
Not anymore.
He thinks no one notices how he moves away from touch, he had started getting better at being affectionate physically letting the others hug him, or play with his hair, or touch his ass (Minho) willingly and not shying away from it. Now he moves away from touch, avoiding it like it might plague him again.
Because the last person who truly touched him was Felix, and he doesn’t want to soil his touch with another’s.
He thinks no one notices.
Chan notices.
He notices the change in both of them, Felix trying to push himself out more, trying to put his all into the group, into their music, into being the best he can be for Stray Kids. He notices how Felix has stepped back, almost ignoring Hyunjin. At first he thought it was just a simple disagreement, Felix being one to stew on things whereas Hyunjin needs to fix it then and there making them buttheads until Felix is ready to talk.
He notices it’s not just a disagreement when a week goes by, then a month and it’s still occurring.
Hyunjin.
Hyunjin is fading, that gleam in his eye is gone like someone carved a piece of himself out of his chest and left him behind to clot the wound himself.
Chan’s worried.
Hyunjin waits for two months before he comes to Chan, slowly entering the studio seeing his Hyung bent over his computer, headphones on as he tweaks a new song.
He studies the man before him, the way he works until he’s raw at the bone giving, and giving until he has nothing left for himself.
No off switch.
He slowly closes the studio door behind him, Chan in moving as he puts his book bag on the couch moving towards him. Chan doesn’t notice his presence until Hyunjin gently twirls the “ducktail” sticking out from under his hat, soft curls between the pads of his fingertips. He forces his smile away as Chan jumps, looking back at him before visibly relaxing into the touch.
“Hyunjinnie, how long have you been standing there?” Chan takes his headphones off, bringing his full attention to him.
“Long enough to know you’ve been here for too long, you overlayed that twice Channie.” Hyunjin shakes his head, smiling as Chan blushes looking away from him.
“Mm right, right. What brings you here Jinnie?” Chan leans back letting Hyunjin play with his hair, taking in any affection he’s willing to give.
“I was wondering if I could post a dance I’ve been working on, I want to make a video for it.” Hyunjin swallows, trying to avoid the twinge that echos through his chest.
“I don’t see why it would be a problem, of course JYP will want a video of it before hand but he’s never shot down us doing content.” Chan sighs, his eyes fluttering as Hyunjin knocks his hat off scratching up his scalp.
Hyunjin knew this already, he knew he would have to show him to get permission. That’s why he came to Chan, the one person he’s always trusted with his art even if it’s raw and unfiltered. He focuses on the way the silky curls flow through his fingers, how the light catches the soft strands. He’s always loved when Chan wears his hair natural, it makes him look like he’s home in Australia where the salt water curls it instantly making it to where they can’t flatten it out.
“I can show you, when you’re not busy.” Hyunjin whispers, not wanting to disrupt the peace that has settled around them as he massages Chan’s scalp making the elders eyes close.
“We can now Jinnie, I’m never too busy for you.” Chan looks up, a dopey smile on his face.
That’s how he spent his evening, with Chan watching him in awe as he performed the choreography he had spent weeks on. Chan didn’t say it, but he could feel the heartbreak in every move Hyunjin’s body made. It took two weeks, but JYP approved.
Hyunjin was relieved, excited, and mostly terrified.
The days following the making of the video, he kept to himself. Only speaking when spoken to at rehearsals, not joining in on group activities, even eating alone.
He spent most of his time rehearsing, talking to the director and making sure his vision was understood.
The day of the shoot he works his ass off, pushing past the nerves that simmer under his skin, sweat clinging to him as the final take ends, his bones aching as a sense of satisfaction floods his chest.
All the pain, the heartbreak, the hours spent letting it consume his body until it spilled out in blood and art on the canvas of the rehearsal room floor.
Felix still ignores him, he doesn’t notice Hyunjin slipping into the shadows, does’t see the way the others watch him concerned.
He didn’t notice.
Not until the ping draws his attention away from the brownie batter, his brow furrows as he sees the JYP YouTube notification. He clicks it without a second glance, letting it load as he dries his hands off tossing the towel onto the counter. Felix’s breath hitches as Hyunjin fills the screen of his phone, his chest squeezing as he watches him move across the floor, watches the way every emotion pours out of his body.
Pain.
Heartbreak.
Grief.
How Hyunjin looks hollow, like a void of himself that fire that’s so bright in him barely a spark.
He did this.
He’s the one who broke Hyunjin.
He watches as Hyunjin reaches for the ceiling, pain jolting down his body as it falls forward like he was rejected, tossed aside, torn down to his bone and marrow.
He sits and watches it through till the end, then a second time, then a third until tears are blurring Hyunjin’s face. He doesn’t realize he’s moving until he’s standing in front of the apartment door, his eyes wide knuckles white as he tries to force his body to move and knock against the wooden surface. As he lowers his fist the door swings open, his heart falling to his stomach.
Hyunjin, eyes wide, lips parted hair damp from a shower, cheeks flushed. Even in his oversized sweatshirt and grey sweatpants he’s beautiful, stunning, just like Felix has always known him to be.
They stare at each other, tears gathering in their eyes as words refuse to fall past the heart shaped lips, making the artists heart shatter even more.