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“Ochako,” Himiko called, except that Himiko was dead. She had died to save Ochako in the war, and Ochako hadn’t forgotten to grieve her for a single day – a single moment – since then. She had held Himiko in her final moments, and she had attended Himiko’s funeral, even if everything after that was blur.
She remembered letting her uncomfortable funeral shoes float up about the cemetery and until she couldn’t see them anymore, and she remembered going for a joyride with Shoto to try and distract herself in in Shoto’s new car which his father had bought as yet another apology for being a piece of shit while Ochako’s parents struggled to put food on the table, and she remembered picking at the expensive mochi her parents had made her with their limited budget, and she remembered hiding her face in her pillow to muffle her sobs as she grieved the loss of the cutest girl in the entire world and the future they could have had if she had only lived. But she hadn’t.
And now Himiko was here. Ochako had seen her in her dreams every night, but never during the day. She turned off her laptop, and there was Himiko’s reflection on the screen. Ochako needed help. She should have gotten help a long time ago, but she hadn’t wanted to get better when she knew that Himiko never would. Ochako knew that she must be insane, but she didn’t have it in her to tell Himiko to go.
“You can’t be here,” she whispered, squeezing her eyes shut. “You have to go. I – I can’t keep seeing you, Himiko.”
“Because I’m a girl?” Himiko asked, her breath hot – alive – against Ochako’s ear. Except that Himiko wasn’t alive. Because she wasn’t, if she was, Ochako would have never let them cremate her. She had checked Himiko for any sign of life herself, sobbing as he pressed her fingers to her pulse, her hands to her heart, her ear to her lips.
“Because you’re dead, Himiko,” Ochako said, opening her eyes. Himiko was standing in front of her, wearing nothing at all. Her quirk was fading, but Ochako didn’t know what form Himiko had taken while her eyes was closed. “Why are you here?”
“I wanted to see you,” Himiko said. “To touch you.” She took a step forward, but paused when Ochako gasped. For one terrifying moment, Ochako thought that Himiko was going to leave, but she didn’t. Her expression went soft, and she continued walking until her knees hit Ochako’s bed.
“You can’t be here.”
“Why not?” Himiko asked. “Don’t you want me here?” And of course Ochako did. All she had wanted since losing Himiko was to have her back. She had imagined opening her eyes and seeing Himiko countless times before.
“You’re dead, Himiko,” Ochako repeated, even though saying it felt like dying. Like killing Himiko all over again when all Ochako wanted was to rewind time and save her.
“Dead isn’t gone,” Himiko said, smiling sadly at Ochako, and Ochako wished it was true, she wished it was true, because more than anything, she wanted Himiko to stay. “I’m here now. I want to take care of you, because you haven’t been taking care of yourself, and I want to show you how.”
“Okay,” Ochako agreed, because she would agree to anything to make Himiko stay a little bit longer, but also because she knew Himiko was right. Even as her career soared, Ochako’s life had been crumbling ever since Himiko’s death, and she’d never managed to put it back together.
“I want you to touch yourself, Ochako, but I don’t want you to come without my permission,” Himiko said, smiling seductively. Ochako’s pussy clenched in protest, because she wanted to come, she wanted to be taken care of.
“Why can’t I come?” Ochako asked, already desperate for a touch that she knew wouldn’t exist.
“You can, just not until I tell you to. Do you think you can be patient for me?”
“Yes,” Ochako said, nodding eagerly. “I’ll – I’ll do whatever you want as long as you touch me.” Ochako wasn’t a virgin. It was easy enough to go out and find energetic blondes who fell into her bed and spread their legs effortlessly for her as if it was second nature to them. Ochako knelt willingly between their legs every time, but she never let them touch her back. That would shatter the illusion, because Ochako knew that none of them could ever touch her like Himiko would have.
“Good girl. You’ll have to touch yourself first if you want me to touch you,” Himiko said cheerfully, turning Ochako’s desk chair around and sitting down in it to give herself a better view. “Let’s start slow. Get off the bed where I can you.”
“Take off your shirt, Ochako.” She pulled it over her head eagerly, shivering at the rush of cool air and looking up expectantly at Himiko. Her hair had risen with static, but Himiko was smiling fondly at her from across the room. Ochako wished they were closer. Touching.
“Undo your bra, Ochako. Don’t take it off yet, I want to watch it slide down slowly.” Ochako took a deep breath and unclasped it, letting it slide forward until she was stopped by the voice of her almost lover. “Hold it in place, I don’t want it to fall off yet.” Ochako’s cheeks burned, but she did as she was told, letting it hang just below her breasts, brushing against her nipples as she squeezed her arms to her sides to keep from exposing her chest entirely.
“Now you can take off your bra, Ochako. Cross your arms under your breasts and push them up, I want a better look.” Their eyes met when Ochako looked up, but she didn’t look away. She held contact as she let her bra fall forward onto the floor. Her nipples pebbled, and she bit her lip to keep from moaning as Himiko’s eyes raked over her body.
“Go ahead and take off your pants, Ochako.” Ochako nearly tripped in her hurry, and Himiko was half out of the desk chair, but Ochako caught herself with float. Himiko sat back down, and Ochako released herself and landed safely on her feet. She stepped carefully out of her pants, and then she was looking at Himiko again, drinking in every admiring expression that flashed across her face.
“Take off your panties. I want to see all of you,” Toga said, and she sounded so sincere that Ochako’s heart ached along with her clit. She slid the panties slowly down her legs and kicked them behind herself, fighting back the urge to cover herself. She had nothing to be ashamed of, they were both naked.
“You’re beautiful, Ochako. The most beautiful woman in the entire world,” Himiko told her, almost as if she couldn’t help herself. “Lie down on the bed with your head propped up against the pillows. Spread your legs, knees up and apart.” Ochako hurried to obey, because after waiting for so long, she didn’t want to wait any longer. She would do whatever it took to earn Himiko’s touch.
“Put one finger on your clit. Good girl, now press down softly. Can you feel how excited you are?” Himiko asked. When Ochako looked up, genuine excitement was written all over Himiko’s expression, as if there was nothing she had ever wanted more than to take Ochako apart slowly like this. Ochako squirmed, trying to keep her body still until Himiko’s next command, but Himiko didn’t seem in a rush. She seemed perfectly happy to take her time reducing Ochako to desire.
“You’re so eager, you must have wanted this for a long time,” Himiko cooed. “You’ve been starving yourself of pleasure, even of touch. I love you, Ochako. I don’t want you to starve without me. I want you to have everything.”
Himiko climbed onto the bed and settled herself between Ochako’s legs, looking down at her with so much love in her eyes that Ochako was blinking back tears. No one else had ever looked at her like that. The only one who looked at her like that was a ghost of the girl Ochako hadn’t saved.
“Show me how you touch yourself,” Himiko said. Ochako didn’t hesitate, because she had waited for this long enough already. Himiko didn’t want her to starve, so Ochako wouldn’t starve herself of this, either. She would savor tonight for the rest of her life. Even though she knew it was nothing more than a hallucination, probably brought on by a lack of sleep, it was real to her. Her eyes dropped down to the rise and fall of her own chest as she flushed with nerves and desire.
“Himiko,” Ochako begged, but she was begging for more than Himiko could give her. She was begging for another chance to end up together. She was begging for the past three years to have all been some kind of horrible nightmare, and that today was the anniversary of the day where they had saved everyone instead of the day where they had failed Himiko. “Himiko.”
“Ochako,” Himiko said, and Ochako gasped as Himiko cupped her face with her warm, soft hands. “Look at me and keep touching yourself. You’ve been in pain for so long, and I want you to feel good. I want you to be happy.” Ochako looked up at her, and when their eyes met again, she was happy.
Ochako circled her clit slowly, building up speed as she went, while Himiko caressed her naked body. Her fingers wandering purposefully over her – down her cheeks, loosely around her throat, over her collarbones, down her back, up her sides, under her breasts, and over her breasts, rolling both Ochako’s nipples between deft, eager fingers. Himiko touched Ochako like she knew every curve and crevice intimately. Like she had been gone for a long time and was finally home. Ochako wanted to be her home more than anything, but she new that in this life, they had missed that chance.
“In every other universe, you’re mine,” Himiko whispered, as if she’d read Ochako’s mind. Which she probably had, because she was nothing more than a hallucination. A memory that stayed at the forefront of Ochako’s mind. A ghost of a girl had died too young. She looked older now, but that was only because Ochako’s mind was filling in the gaps, imagining another world where Himiko had lived.
“You’re mine, and I’m yours,” Ochako repeated. “In this world and in every other. I don’t want to lose you.”
“You’ll never lose me. I live right here,” Himiko said, pressing both hands one atop the other over Ochako’s racing heart. “You’re so pretty when you blush,” Himiko said, looking at Ochako as if all the stars in the sky were held in space with Ochako’s quirk. As if on command, Ochako’s blush deepened, and Himiko giggled. “You’re so cute Ochako. I love all the cute, little sounds you’re making. You were worth everything. I would die for you in every timeline.”
Ochako burst into tears, closing her eyes as her body was wracked with sobs, but then she cut herself off with a moan, her back arching as Himiko pressed a single finger into her. She opened her eyes and looked down, watching with bated breath as Himiko slowly worked in two more. Ochako jolted in pleasure when Himiko started thrusting, curling her fingers just right inside of her.
“You feel so good around my fingers,” Himiko groaned, as if she was the one being touched. She brought her thumb up and pressed it against Ochako’s clit, and they were moaning in tandem.
“Himiko, please, let me come,” Ochako begged. For a moment, she thought that Himiko would give in and let her, but then Himiko was laughing.
“You’re so sensitive,” Himiko teased, flicking Ochako’s clit lightly. Ochako’s back arched at the brief contact, and she moaned, proving Himiko’s point. “You’ve been neglecting yourself. You haven’t been eating enough, or sleeping enough, or spending any time with your friends, or paying any attention to your poor, neglected , little clit. You need to find happiness, Ochako.”
“I just lost you,” Ochako protested, but Himiko sighed disappointedly.
“That was three years ago. You have to let me go now.”
“I can’t.”
“You can, this is the first step,” Himiko said, because she must know she wasn’t real. “You’re finally processing it, and I’m so happy.” Her eyes were full of tears, but she was smiling, so Ochako believed her. “Last night you stayed up working until you couldn’t keep your eyes open, and then you cried yourself to sleep.”
“Is touching myself to a ghost really any better?” Ochako tried to shoot back, but her voice was too breathless for it to come out as anything besides desperate.
“Everyone has fantasies,” Himiko said, stroking Ochako’s cheek gently before pressing her finger, still wet with Ochako’s arousal, into her mouth. Ochako sucked on it eagerly, hoping that once the finger was clean, it would taste like Himiko’s skin, but then Himiko was pulling it out and wiping the spit on Ochako’s thigh. “It doesn’t hurt anyone for me to be your fantasy tonight, but tomorrow, I want you to try fantasizing about something new.”
“It hurts me,” Ochako said so quietly that she wasn’t even sure if she had given voice to it at all, but then Himiko was looking down at her with something almost longing. “It hurts me that you’re gone.”
“Do you want to stop?” she asked, but she must already know the answer, because her fingers didn’t slow down or falter even for a moment.
“No, please, Himiko. I didn’t it mean – Himiko, I want you, I just… I wish you were alive. I wish you were here with me.” Ochako wasn’t sure if she was making any sense, but she was so close she could almost taste it. She could tell that it was going to be the best orgasm of her life, but she didn’t want it. Because she knew that once she came, Himiko would be gone. Ochako never wanted her to come.
“Aren’t I?” Himiko asked.
“No,” Ochako said, shaking her head. Her thighs trembled, her pussy squeezing pleadingly around Himiko’s fingers, but Ochako held back. She wasn’t ready for this to end. She wasn’t ready to lose Himiko all over again.
“You know what?” Himiko began, rolling her hips. Slick was running down the insides of her thighs, and her every motion spread it over Ochako’s thigh, which trembled with need underneath her. “It’s time for you to finish.”
“W-will you stay?” Ochako asked, rolling her hips into every thrust and turn of Himiko’s thin, powerful, delicate fingers.
“I can’t,” Himiko said, smiling sadly down at her. “I’m only here so that you can say goodbye.”
“I don’t want to,” Ochako said, fresh tears streaming down her face. “Why do I have to when I finally have you back?”
“Because I’m dead,” Himiko said, and for one cruel, terrible moment, Ochako was alone in her room again. She gasped in horror, reaching one hand out towards where Himiko had been, and then Himiko was back. Her breast was under Ochako’s hand, so Ochako squeezed it gently, catching Himiko’s nipple between two fingers, drawing a gasp out of Himiko now.
“You feel alive to me.”
“I love you, Ochako,” Himiko said, instead of acknowledging Ochako’s observation. She was still smiling sadly, so Ochako returned the smile.
“I love you, too, Himiko.”
“Come for me,” Himiko did, and Ochako screamed as she came, but it didn’t make a sound. Ochako had spent the last three years since the war screaming, and it had never made a sound. She had screamed out of pain, and out of fear, and out of desperation, and no one had ever heard a thing. She had been surrounded by people who loved her, but none of them had understood, so Ochako had grieved alone.
She had drifted away and lost herself in the silence of her self-imposed isolation, because she hadn’t known how to go on in a world that didn’t have Himiko – but she would have to find away. Because of Himiko, Ochako was alive, and Himiko would want her to be happy.
Ochako’s body writhed underneath Himiko, and she didn’t breathe. Ochako didn’t need air – she didn’t need anything besides Himiko. She had never known pleasure like this, none of her own touches had ever felt so much like being seen, because no one had ever looked at her like Himiko had.
It was so good that it was bad, because Ochako knew it was ending. It was like flying too close to the sun, and Ochako wondered if their entire life together would have been as beautiful as this moment was. She thrashed, digging her fingernails into Himiko’s arms with enough desperation that it would have drawn blood if Himiko was alive, but she wasn’t.
Himiko was gone, and Ochako was alone. She had been alone for so long, but her mind was filling in the gaps with Himiko, and Ochako was lonelier than she had ever been, because she knew that her hallucination could never live up to what Himiko could have been she had been the one to live. Himiko shouldn’t have saved her. It should have been Ochako.
Finally, Ochako gasped for air. It burned her lungs, but it brought the world back into her focus, screaming in its intensity, and Ochako realized that she had been living in a faded reality for so long that she had forgotten what it was like to be alive. Ochako had been the ghost all along.
“Go to sleep, Ochako,” Himiko said, kissing her forehead softly. Ochako could swear that Himiko’s lips were warm against her lonely skin. “Tomorrow will be better.” Ochako knew it wouldn’t, that it would take more than one night for her to feel better, but maybe one day she finally would, so she closed her eyes obediently. At least in her sleep, she could dream of Himiko. But deep down, Ochako knew that it was time to finally fall in love with herself.
“Wait,” she called out, opening her eyes, and Himiko turned around, waiting until Ochako had gathered the strength to say what she needed to say. “Goodbye, Himiko.” Ochako smiled, and Himiko smiled back.
“Goodbye, Ochako.”