Chapter Text

It began, as most catastrophes in Ava’s life did, with her looking for something utterly mundane. It ended with a scream—and yet more trauma—adding a few more galleons to what would eventually be known as Ava’s Psychotic Break Fund, should she ever give in and see a mind healer about the chaos that followed her like a cursed sheep.

She only wanted a pen.

Just a pen.

A single, ordinary pen from Severus’s desk—the very sensible, very boring, absolutely-not-going-to-traumatise-anyone drawer.

She tugged it open and something thumped inside. Ava frowned, reached in, and pulled out a thick, black, leather-bound book stamped with elegant silver lettering. The manic scream that followed had Theo dropping the mug of tea he’d been holding.

“What? What happened? Is it a boggart? Are you cursed?”

“Worse,” Ava croaked, holding up the now open book. The inside cover gleamed with the following in green ink:

Property of Severus Snape
For Severus’ and Charlie’s eyes Only. (Seriously. Don’t.)

Theo froze. “We’re cursed. We’re actually cursed.”

Ava was already halfway through the first page.

“Don’t read it,” Theo yelled, already flying across the room like a deranged cat.

“I’m not reading it,” Ava lied, already wide-eyed, amused and equally traumatised.

“Ava!”

Inside, written in Severus’ immaculate cursive handwriting was the heading:

Headmaster Severus Snape’s ‘Hogwarts Bucket List’

(An Academic Exploration Into Creative Uses of School Architecture)
Featuring: Charlie Weasley (incorrigible menace, will not stop smiling about this list. Most are his ideas).

Lies had been written in Charlie’s messy script in the margin.

Ava made a noise caught between a gasp and a dying goose.

Theo looked over her shoulder.

Then he sat down – directly on the floor.

Then he lay down – face first.

Then he simply gave up on life.

“Oh no,” Ava whispered, horrified. “Oh, MY GOD.”

Theo moaned into the rug. “I cannot handle another list. We only just recovered from Charlie’s.”

But the universe, as always, despised them.

Because Severus Snape—meticulous, terrifying, sarcastic Severus Snape—had categorised everything.

Notes.
Ratings.
Risk assessments.
Plus, there was added commentary by both of them.

And Addendum’s

Ava read the first entry as if the universe had cursed her with curiosity that could rival that of the cat which was killed.

Theo clutched her ankle, using her leg to pull himself back to his feet as if he couldn’t stop himself from being traumatised too. “Wait—wait—Ava, if we read this, we can never un-read it.”

“We couldn’t un-read Charlie’s either!”

“Yes, but this is WORSE. They’re Dad and Tata now—”

Ava turned the page anyway as though she had been cursed.

They both screamed.

Loudly.

Because the first item read:

1. The Headmaster’s Office

Status: ✓ Completed
Rating: 9/10 (Points deducted: Voyeuristic portraits)

Risk of discovery: Low (the portraits don’t count).
Risk of bodily injury: Low

Notes: Charlie flew through the floo and climbed onto my lap before I knew what was happening. Quills were lost. Ink was spilt. The desk broke. Portraits made a hasty exit (Godric and Salazar, unfortunately, did not – they watched – together – with popcorn)

Charlie: They enjoyed the show.#
Severus: We should have charged admission.
Charlie: Who knew we were exhibitionists?
Severus: We’re not -they are just perverts!
Charlie: I didn’t hear you telling them to leave!
Severus: I was distracted– your arse is a work of art.

Addendum:
I plan on fucking him on every available surface in that office whenever I get the chance.

Ava slapped a hand over her mouth.

Theo slapped both hands over his mouth.

They stared.

And stared.

And stared.

Theo trembled. “We need to burn it.”

“We need to move out,” Ava countered.

“We need to burn us,” Theo corrected.

Ava turned the page anyway.

Theo shrieked. “STOP DOING THAT.”

“I can’t help it! It’s like a trainwreck!”

“Ava, we live with them!”

“We have to know!” she insisted, completely unhinged, morality going out the window, and possibly slightly insane.

“We really don’t!”

They both leaned in anyway.

Together.

Because they were idiots.

And because nothing good had ever come from the title:

Entry #2: Gryffindor Quidditch Stands – After Hours

Theo whimpered.
Ava laughed hysterically.

They were doomed.
Irreparably.
Forever.

2.  The Gryffindor Quidditch Stands (After Hours)

Status: ✓
Rating: 7/10 (Points deducted: Fear of falling, Charlie being a menace, and strain to my back)

Risk of bodily injury: high.
Risk of discovery: medium.

Notes: Unstable footing. Wind interference at altitude is no joke. Charlie nearly fell. The benches are narrower than they look, newly charmed to repel rain but not poor decision-making. Acoustics excellent—unfortunately.

Charlie: Correction: I DID fall. You caught me with magic & yelled for twenty minutes while still being balls deep – it was hot…I may have a new kink!
Severus: That was not the intended takeaway.
Charlie: It absolutely was.
Severus: You are insufferable, reckless, and entirely too pleased with yourself.
Charlie: And yet you caught me. Didn’t stop. Didn’t leave. Didn’t hex me unconscious.
Charlie: Sounds like love.
Severus: …So much.
Severus: Now do as you’re told.

Addendum:
No further Quidditch-stand activities without stabilising charms, reinforced wards, and a prior agreement that Charlie will not test gravity again “for fun.”
Charlie has already asked if the scolding is mandatory next time.
It is.

 

3. The Whomping Willow

Status: ✓
Rating: 6/10 (Points deducted: Near concussion and nearly dying with my cock out)

Risk of discovery: Low (assuming one survives long enough to be discovered)
Risk of bodily injury: Catastrophic

Notes: Charlie is a fool. A large, confident, dragon-handling fool who apparently believes homicidal trees operate on goodwill and optimism. The Willow does not respond well to explicit scenes, including Charlie’s naked arse on full display.

Charlie: SEV SAID IT WAS FROZEN. IT WAS NOT.
Severus: Lies—you said it was frozen.
Charlie: I said I thought it was frozen!
Severus: Which is not the same thing as confirming it was frozen.
Charlie: It wasn’t moving when we got there, and I thought I had touched the knot with a stick.
Severus: It was waiting.
Charlie: In my defence, you were kissing my neck, and I got distracted.
Severus: I explicitly told you it was a bad idea.
Charlie: You say that about all the best ones.
Severus: I say that about ideas involving cursed flora, blunt force trauma, and your alarming lack of self-preservation, especially when you refused to release my fingers from your glorious arse while the tree tried to murder us.
Charlie: Okay, but—counterpoint—you hexed three branches clean off without breaking stride.
Severus: That was reflex, not encouragement.
Charlie: Still hot.
Severus: You were nearly concussed.
Charlie: You hauled me to safety, yelled at me, healed me, then fucked me into the ground. You say 6/10, I say 10/10.

Addendum:
Whomping Willow officially struck from the list.
Charlie has been banned from “surprise locations” involving sentient plants.

Sev has added “tree-related arrogance” to his ever-growing list of reasons he loves me—and will absolutely not admit that aloud. I also have a new kick involving Severus duelling while simultaneously fingering me open.

 

4. The Antechamber Next To The Great Hall

Status: ✓
Rating: 8/10 (Points deducted: Psychological trauma caused by McGonagall)

Risk of discovery: Extremely High
Risk of bodily injury: Moderate (escalates sharply if discovered by Minerva McGonagall)

Notes: Poorly chosen timing. Louder acoustics than anticipated. The proximity to the Great Hall triggered several deeply unwelcome flashbacks involving staff meetings, public reprimands, and one memorable lecture on “professional decorum.” Residual stinging sensation on buttocks persists. Possibly psychosomatic. Possibly not.

Charlie: Minerva definitely knew.
Charlie: She stopped mid-sentence. MID. SENTENCE.
Severus: She pauses for effect. It is one of her many weapons.
Charlie: She threatened to hex me.
Severus: She did hex you.
Charlie: Exactly. Targeted. Personal. She definitely knew what we had been doing.
Severus: Regrettably, yes.
Charlie: Still worth it?
Severus: For me, definitely. For your arse, no!
Charlie: It still stings!

Addendum:
This entry is only marked successful because neither party was publicly exposed, fired, or hexed beyond mild discomfort.
Future attempts near Minerva McGonagall are strictly prohibited.
Charlie maintains that the danger “added atmosphere.”
Severus maintains that next time he will add silencing wards first.

 

5. The Pumpkin Patch

Status: ✓
Rating: 8/10 (Points deducted: The carnage.)

Risk of discovery: Medium (Hagrid’s observational skills are… selective, but Fang is not)
Risk of bodily injury: Low (unless one counts bruised dignity and strained patience)

Notes: Poor ground stability. Overly fertile soil. Charmed pumpkins are far more volatile than anticipated when subjected to sudden pressure, magic surges, or Charlie Weasley’s complete lack of restraint. Dirt infiltrated clothing, hair, boots, and places best left unmentioned. Lingering scent remains unacceptable.

Charlie: A pumpkin exploded.
Charlie: I’ve wrestled dragons that caused less mess.
Severus: That was your fault, you cretin.
Charlie: It went everywhere.
Charlie: I laughed so hard I nearly fell over. And it was you who was pushing against the pumpkins!
Severus: You did fall over. On me. Into the mud.
Charlie: Worth it.
Severus: I can still smell pumpkin pulp and dirt!
Charlie: You should’ve seen your face. Absolute betrayal.
Severus: I was covered in pumpkin pulp, mud, and indignity.
Charlie: You smelled like autumn.
Severus: I smelled like failure.
Charlie: Admit it—you hexed the second pumpkin on purpose.
Severus: Lies.
Charlie: It exploded on me.
Severus: …The charm rebounded.
Charlie: If you say so.

Addendum:
Shower required immediately after. Twice.
Clothing beyond saving.
Charlie has been warned that “rustic charm” does not extend to enchanted agriculture.
Hagrid later gifted them a homemade clay pumpkin “as a souvenir.”
Charlie snuck it out before it was incinerated.

 

 

6. The Hospital Wing – Third Attempt

Status: ✘✘✘
Rating: –10,000/10 (Points deducted: POMFREY; no explanation needed)

Risk of discovery: Extreme (Poppy actively patrols; hidden wards activated; even Headmaster privileges can’t save us from her wrath)
Risk of bodily injury: Low to extremely high (usually bruised ego and a hexed arse…Pomfrey took it to the extreme this time. Lingering threat of major hexes and castration).

Notes: Third attempt was catastrophic. Poppy caught us immediately. She wielded authority, hexes, and verbal punishment that felt like it lasted half the night. The spellwork she used prevented… stimulation for one month. Emotional trauma unparalleled.

Charlie: She confiscated my trousers and hexed us so we can’t get an erection for a month. Traumatised is not the word!
Severus: I regret everything.
Charlie: Me too.
Severus: This is a record-setting level of disaster.
Charlie: But… you held my hand while she yelled! That counts for something, right?
Severus: It counts as enduring humiliation with minimal injury.
Charlie: Still… funny story to tell?
Severus: You will tell no one.
Charlie: Do you honestly believe Pomfrey hadn’t already told McGonagall by the time we got back to your quarters?
Severus: No wonder she was looking at me with disapproval at breakfast. I was praying Pomfrey would keep it to herself. 
Charlie: But Pomfrey did let us leave eventually…it could have been worse.
Severus: Eventually is a relative term. I lost an hour of my life.

Addendum:
Hospital Wing officially banned for all future “attempts.”
Poppy’s spell confirmed; restrictions enforceable.
Charlie insists emotional trauma “adds spice.”
Severus quietly contemplates whether being Headmaster is worth this level of chaos.
Rating: permanent negative; physical safety intact, dignity severely compromised.

DO NOT ATTEMPT AGAIN  - 3^rd TIME IS DEFINITELY NOT THE CHARM!

 

7. The Library: Potions Section

Status: ✘
Rating: 0/10 (Points deducted: Urma Pince appearing like a Victorian ghost hell-bent on pulverising us with a book)

Risk of discovery: Absolute
Risk of bodily injury: Low (physical) / Severe (psychological, professional, reputational)

Notes: Catastrophic misjudgement. The Potions Section is unnaturally quiet, magically sensitive, and apparently warded to summon Irma Pince via some form of librarian-specific teleportation. She appeared without sound, warning, or mercy. I refuse to return. Ever.

Charlie: I STILL HAVE NIGHTMARES.
Severus: As you should.
Charlie: She came out of nowhere. I swear she materialised between one blink and the next.
Severus: She did.
Charlie: Before she cleared her throat.
Severus: That sound will haunt me until my death.
Charlie: I couldn’t move. I couldn’t breathe. I think I apologised?
Severus: You attempted to explain yourself.
Charlie: I panicked!
Severus: You said, and I quote, “This isn’t what it looks like.”
Charlie: IT NEVER IS.
Severus: Except it was exactly what it looked like
Charlie: She adjusted her glasses.
Severus: She took notes. I think Pomfrey put her up to it.
Charlie: She took notes?!
Severus: You had your head buried in my neck. I refuse to partake in explicit activities in there ever again.
Charlie: Lies!
Severus: I will not risk my career, my dignity, and my immortal soul in a place guarded by a woman who can silence a room with eye contact.
Charlie: You grabbed my hand and ran.
Severus: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Charlie: You knocked over three bookshelves.
Severus: Acceptable losses.
Charlie: She banned me….with her eyes.
Severus: She glared at me. That was worse.
Charlie: You’re headmaster!
Severus: Exactly!

Addendum:
The Potions Section is hereby designated a hard no.
Charlie is no longer allowed within twenty feet of the library.
Irma Pince now watches them both with the patience of a predator.
Silencing wards are insufficient.
Fear is permanent.

 

 

8. The Prefect’s Bathroom – Revisited

Status: ✓
Rating: 10/10 (Points deducted: None – Perfection)

Risk of discovery: Low (nearly zero if late evening, high if someone dares to open the enchanted door)
Risk of bodily injury: Low

Notes: Improved conditions from last attempt. Lighting soft, water warm, atmosphere… excellent. Limited fragrance use so as not to smell like a sweet shop again. Tiles slippery, but manageable with proper grip. Scent of soap and faint watermelon lingers—may be my favourite scent.

Charlie: He slipped. Into me. Highlight of my month.
Severus: I did not slip into you!
Charlie: You so did. My arse is made for your cock.
Severus: You are ridiculous.
Charlie: Ridiculous? I call it romantic.
Severus: You call everything romantic.
Charlie: Not everything. Just… You.

Addendum:
Bathrobes unnecessary. Towels optional.
Charlie continues to insist “slipping counts as skilful manoeuvring.”
Sev continues to insist, “He’s not romantic” – Charlie claims otherwise.

Scent of watermelon: persistent, unavoidable, oddly nostalgic.

 

9. The Transfiguration Classroom (After Hours - Revisited)

Status: ✘
Rating: -10/10 (Points deducted: Severe guilt and emotional trauma)

Risk of discovery: Absolute (Minerva McGonagall does not miss anything)
Risk of bodily injury: High (magical, professional, existential)

Notes: Hubris. False confidence due to Headmaster's privileges. Transfiguration wards are exquisitely sensitive to magical surges and emotional intensity. Minerva arrived without warning, silent, and without mercy. Wand raised. Expression unimpressed. Past mistakes remembered. Clearly!

Charlie: Pretty sure my soul left my body.
Severus: I think it did.
Charlie: She didn’t even say anything.
Severus: That was the warning.
Charlie: I saw my life flash before my eyes.
Severus: I saw my career end.
Charlie: She aimed her wand, Sev.
Severus: Directly. Without blinking.
Charlie: I’ve faced dragons with less fear.
Severus: Dragons are reasonable.
Charlie: We ran.
Severus: Tactical retreat.
Charlie: She didn’t chase us.
Severus: She didn’t need to.
Charlie: She threatened me with my mother.
Severus: An efficient threat.

Addendum:
Transfiguration Classroom officially blacklisted.
Minerva’s silence was deemed more threatening than verbal reprimand, until they did get verbally chastised, resulting in severe feelings of guilt.
Severus has rescheduled and cancelled several staff meetings out of self-preservation.
Headmaster's authority confirmed ineffective against McGonagall’s classroom.
Threats of castration and Molly Weasley have not deterred Charlie in the slightest.

 

10. The Room of Requirement (Revisited)

Status: ✓
Rating: 100/10 (Points deducted: None – seeing the future we envision makes me even more determined)

Risk of discovery: Low (Room manifests when needed, but still requires discretion)
Risk of bodily injury: Minimal (mostly emotional bruising if one cries)

Notes: Mirror of Erised adds an unexpectedly sentimental dimension. Viewing oneself in the future or alternate realities can provoke intense feelings. Emotional vulnerability is high, physical danger low, but requires mental preparation. Room’s ambience: soft lighting, reflective surfaces, and enchanted privacy amplify both intimacy and nostalgia.

Charlie: We saw ourselves older with a family again. I cried.
Charlie: And then I cried some more.
Severus: You sobbed into my chest.
Charlie: Don’t pretend you weren’t emotionally affected!
Severus: I don’t pretend anything.
Charlie: You were secretly smiling.
Severus: You are never allowed to mention that.
Charlie: And planning our future.
Charlie: Future us was adorable.
Severus: Future us is irrelevant to present… feelings.
Charlie: But perfectly inspiring for now.
Severus: …Very well. 100/10. Only because you cried and made me determined.
Charlie: And because you made a promise.
Severus: …Yes, I did, and I don’t plan on breaking it.

Addendum:
Mirror remains intact, emotions raw.
Charlie insists on multiple “future sessions” to verify ongoing adorableness.
Severus is already researching for potential future possibilities.
Emotional intimacy officially rated higher than physical logistics for this entry.

 

11. The Forbidden Forest (Clearing with the Log)

Status: ✓
Rating: 8/10 (Points deducted: Fear of being caught by a creature and Charlie’s delusions)

Risk of discovery: Low (from humans) Extremely high (where creatures are involved)
Risk of bodily injury: Moderate (uneven ground, roots, and surprise encounters with wildlife. Risk of being caught by Centaurs and Acromantulas)

Notes: Clearing provides open space and natural seating (log), but terrain is tricky. Biting insects mostly avoided, though one nearly succeeded in ruining the mood. Occasional eerie noises and fear of being caught by centaurs keep adrenaline high.

Charlie: I SWEAR one of them gave us a thumbs-up.
Severus: Centaurs do not give thumbs-up.
Charlie: I saw it! I promise! He passed by while you were sucking my cock.
Severus: You imagined it.
Charlie: I definitely did NOT imagine it.
Severus: You have a vivid imagination.
Charlie: One was passing – I swear.
Charlie: Adventure points definitely boosted your rating.
Severus: Adventure points are imaginary.

Addendum:
Centaurs watching – remain unconvinced, but Charlie insists.
Log remains intact, surprisingly.
Insects mostly deterred with minor charm adjustments.
Worth the risk of creatures and biting insects as opposed to being caught by McGonagall.
Severus is still paranoid that we are going to get caught.
It is not paranoia when Minerva threatens me with her eyes in every single meeting.

 

12. The Boathouse

Status: ✓
Rating: 9/10 (Points deducted: For unwelcome aquatic voyeurism)

Risk of discovery: Low (never used except by horny teens looking for privacy; lake noises mask most disturbances)
Risk of bodily injury: Low–Moderate (slippery planks, cold exposure, risk of falling into the lake)

Notes: Temperature warmer than anticipated. Wooden boards damp and creaky but structurally sound. Lake ambience calming until disturbed by tentacles. Surprisingly private. Emotional warmth brought on by Charlie's romanticism.

Charlie: The giant squid waved at us. I waved back.
Severus: It did not wave.
Charlie: It absolutely did. Very polite.
Severus: You greeted a semi-sentient aquatic creature mid-activity?
Charlie: Manners matter.
Severus: Apparently, more than discretion.
Charlie: He was being supportive!
Severus: The squid has no concept of support.
Charlie: He does now.
Severus: Why do I love you again?
Charlie: Because I bring romance and orgasms. And tentacle-based audience participation.
Severus: I am reassessing my life choices.
Charlie: You say that every time.
Severus: And yet I still follow you like a lost puppy.
Charlie: See? Worth it. 9/10.
Severus: Only because you surprised me, and the squid minded its business.

Addendum:
Boathouse remains structurally intact.
Charlie insists on waving etiquette for all future lake encounters.
Severus has added “aquatic witnesses” to the growing list of hazards.
Charlie can be surprisingly romantic.

 

13. The Ancient Runes Classroom

Status: ✓
Rating: 7/10 (Points deducted: Possible side-effects from Runes around the classroom)

Risk of discovery: Low (Headmaster privileges; classroom empty at late hours)
Risk of bodily injury: Moderate (runic circles may be cursed; improper positioning could trigger sparks, temporary glow, or minor magical discomfort)

Notes: Runes provide both aesthetic and magical hazards. Circles drawn incorrectly may trigger unpredictable effects. Small classroom, close tables offer limited space; posture is crucial. Magical residue may linger.

Charlie: If my bits start glowing, I’m blaming you.
Severus: Worth it!
Charlie: You’re saying that now… but what if I light up like a Christmas tree?
Severus: Then we’ll call it festive experimentation.
Charlie: I can’t believe we’re did it next to someone else’s magical work.
Severus: It’s Headmaster prerogative.
Charlie: You still might get cursed.
Severus: I accepted the risk.
Charlie: Excellent. I like living dangerously.
Severus: So do I, apparently.
Charlie: 7/10? Really?
Severus: Possibly cursed, slightly thrilling. Perfectly average for us.
Charlie: Then I approve.
Severus: Watch your footing and your glowing bits.

Addendum:
Runes likely didn’t activate
Charlie’s potential “glow” remained theoretical.
Safety charms recommended for future experiments.
Charlie continues to insist that cursed risk = better ratings.
Severus quietly enjoys the chaos only a Headmaster could sanction.

 

14. The Great Hall – Slytherin Table (After Hours)

Status: ✓
Rating: 10/10 (Points deducted: None – balance has been restored)

Risk of discovery: Low (after hours; enchanted doors sealed; portraits banned; silencing charms heightened by Headmaster’s privileges)
Risk of bodily injury: Low (hard surface, lingering echoes, potential fire hazard from candles)

Notes: Echoes persist far longer than expected. The Slytherin table now bears a distinct handprint, matching the Gryffindor one from a previous… incident. Symmetry achieved. House rivalry satisfied. Acoustics excellent. Perhaps too excellent.

Charlie: It was definitely mine this time.
Severus: It was yours last time.
Charlie: Lies—that was all you. And you know it.
Severus: You were the one bracing.
Charlie: I think I ascended. Slytherin’s really are cunning.
Severus: This is not what Salazar meant by legacy.
Charlie: He’d be proud. Ambitious. Resourceful.
Severus: I refuse to speculate.
Charlie: Echoes were phenomenal, though.
Severus: I noticed. The sound of your moans will forever be embedded in my mind.
Charlie: Admit it—you loved defiling me on the Slytherin table.
Severus: I corrected an imbalance.

Addendum:
Handprint remains. Attempts to remove it have… failed.
You didn’t even try!
House-elves refuse to comment.
Charlie insists the Gryffindor table “started it.”

 

15. The Viaduct

Status: ✓
Rating: 7/10 (Points deducted: Height, wind, and Charlie being a menace)

Risk of discovery: Moderate (open air; echoes; possible threat of curious wildlife)
Risk of death: Unacceptably high

Notes: Severe wind tunnel effect. Cloaks were more of a hindrance than a help. Structural integrity held, despite Charlie’s insistence on testing leverage. Heights remain deeply objectionable. Stone is cold. Very cold.

Charlie: Sev is terrified of heights. Cute though.
Severus: I am not—I am terrified of falling to my death BUTT NAKED.
Charlie: Cute butt, though.
Severus: I was clinging to an arch for stability.
Charlie: You wrapped around it like it was a long-lost friend.
Severus: I was ensuring balance.
Charlie: You whimpered in Latin.
Severus: That was a controlled incantation of focus.
Charlie: You said, “If I die, I will haunt you specifically.”
Severus: A reasonable contingency plan.
Charlie: Wind was doing interesting things.
Severus: I noticed. Against my will.
Charlie: Still worth it?
Severus: …Yes. But never again in a gale.

Addendum:
Severus has ordered discreet warding under the arches “for safety reasons.”
Charlie claims this is proof of success.
Check weather forecast for any future attempts.

 

16. The Roof

Status: ✓
Rating: 7/10 (Points deducted: fear of falling and Charlie’s endless teasing)

Risk of discovery: Very low (castle asleep, enchanted entrance secure)
Risk of bodily injury: Moderate (angled tiles, wind high enough to test grip)

Notes: Calm night, moonlight illuminating the roof tiles; wind brisk but not dangerous. Protective wards held, though the slope made every movement nerve-wracking. I am certain I will never again think lightly of “recreational rooftop activities.” Air carried a faint scent of stone and night jasmine—pleasant, though irrelevant to one’s survival instincts.

Charlie: You were gripping so tightly, I think I might be bruised.
Severus: Better bruised than falling to my death.
Charlie: Oh, come on. You were practically clinging to me for dear life.
Severus: I was… ensuring both our survival. Unlike some people, I have standards.
Charlie: Standards, sure. That’s what I call trembling in my arms while moaning. Adorable.
Severus: I did not moan.
Charlie: You did. Several times. I counted. And you liked it.
Severus: …I may have… been distracted by the wind and the height.
Charlie: Distracted? You were thrilled. Admit it.
Severus: …Perhaps slightly. Marginally. Only in a rational, controlled manner.

Addendum:
Charlie insists it was a light breeze. And “Every gust is part of the adventure.”
I insist it was a gale.
Wind: playful, teasing, dangerous.
Tiles: precarious, angled, unforgiving.
Height: terrifying.
Thrill: undeniable.
Conclusion: I survived. Barely. And yet… I am inexplicably drawn to that infuriating, reckless creature.

Charlie has been formally banned from suggesting locations “with a view.”

 

17. The Chamber of Secrets.

Status: ✓
Rating: 9/10 (Points deducted: Salazar giving unnecessary pointers)

Risk of discovery: Very low (Only risk is family or nosy Founders)
Risk of bodily injury: Extremely low.

Notes: Low lighting, soft furnishing, no longer a damp and cold chamber. Acoustics pleasing. Privacy (almost) guaranteed. Necessary use of Founder portrait to gain entrance due to parseltongue to avoid accusatory questions from others who speak it.

Charlie: I still can’t believe I had sex in ‘The Chamber of Secrets’
Severus: I’m never going to hear the end of this, am I?
Charlie: …And with encouragement and tips from Salazar himself.
Severus: I’d rather not be reminded of that, thank you very much.
Charlie: …But Slytherin’s actual hidden lair, Sev. And the acoustics…fuck me…brilliant.
Severus: The whole castle heard you.
Charlie: They did not!
Severus: I have it on good authority – they did. Everyone thought it was a ghoul in the pipes.
Charlie: I regret nothing!

Addendum:
Hex Salazar’s statue to remain stationary before any future attempts. Stop Godric from hitching a ride in Salazar’s portrait. Force idiot founders to face their feelings in hopes of stopping them interrupting and perving on us at every opportune moment.
Charlie insists I like them perving! – I do not!

 

18. The Trophy Room (Revisited)

Status: ✓
Rating: 4/10 (Points deducted: Smashed glass, blood, Charlie’s imminent death flashing before my eyes)

Risk of discovery: Very High (Filch patrols often; enchanted cases may alert on impact)
Risk of bodily injury: High (bruised spine, cuts from glass, unstable displays)

Notes: Limited space, awkward angles. Heavy glass cases not designed for leaning or enthusiastic contact. Risk of serious injury significant. Filch's presence adds extreme tension. Success requires stealth, balance, and nerves of steel.

Charlie: Filch walked in. I nearly died laughing.
Severus: You nearly died from a cut artery.
Charlie: Minor detail. He was horrified!
Severus: And rightfully so. He interrupted the headmaster mid-meeting.
Charlie: Is that what we’re calling it now? Didn’t know staff meetings required nudity.
Severus: No one told you to take your clothes off.
Charlie: Lies
Charlie: It’s a 4/10? Really?
Severus: Bruised spine, smashed glass, you nearly bleeding out. 4/10 is generous.
Charlie: Worth it for the face he made.
Severus: Your priorities are questionable.
Charlie: That’s why you love me.
Severus: Reluctantly, yes.
Charlie: And? That angle against the display was perfect.
Severus: Perfect for disaster.
Charlie: I’ll take that.
Severus: I will take long-term therapy if this continues.

Addendum:
Display case destroyed. Trophy room currently off limits to all residents. Clean up still required.
Charlie continues to insist that laughter enhances intimacy and prevents trauma.
Severus silently adds “avoid trophy room entirely” to future planning list.

 

 

19. The Potions Classroom – for Nostalgia

Status: ✓
Rating: 8/10 (Points deducted: Nothing will live up to the past experiences in that classroom.)

Risk of discovery: Medium
Risk of bodily injury: Moderate (stray potions, unstable furniture, possible explosions.)

Notes: Memories of the Explosion of 1995 linger: ecstatic potion-induced chaos, a traumatised skeleton, and a crack in the ceiling that refuses to mend.

Charlie: Worth every second. Slughorn might be traumatised.
Severus: I think he’s regretting ever returning to Hogwarts.
Charlie: Definitely. I saw him blanch when he peeked at the desk. He knew exactly what we had been doing.
Severus: We should have moved the skeleton back into the cupboard.
Charlie: Slughorn couldn’t have known we had traumatised it.
Severus: I swear it was judging us.
Charlie: Nah – he enjoyed the show.
Severus: You are insufferable.
Charlie: And yet, you let me fuck you into the desk.
Severus: I am Headmaster. That’s my prerogative.
Charlie: So… 8/10? Downgrade from past explosions?
Severus: Yes. No matter how many times we have sex in the Potions room, nothing will ever top that.
Charlie: It was very memorable.

Addendum:
Classroom mostly intact, aside from minor scratches on the desk.
Skeleton remains judgmental but unharmed.
Slughorn’s trauma: mild, recurring eye twitches. Strong use of sanitation charms now lingers in the Potions corridor.

 

20. The History of Magic Classroom

Status: ✓
Rating: 9/10 (Points deducted: Unexpected observer)

Risk of discovery: Medium (Professor Binns is perpetually oblivious and ethereal, but occasional murmurs can betray lucidity)
Risk of bodily injury: Low (mostly cramped seating and awkward angles; minor bruises possible)

Notes: Room unusually quiet; Binns’ ghostly presence provides minimal oversight. Timing essential: entering while the professor is elsewhere ensures discretion, though unsure whether he noticed us or not on his re-entry. Historical displays remain intact.

Charlie: He absolutely did notice. He said “hm.” That’s a whole emotional sentence for him.
Severus: I really need to get rid of him.
Charlie: Or at least give him a stern talking-to.
Severus: Ghosts do not respond to stern talking-to.
Charlie: But that ‘hm’ was acknowledgement! Approval!
Severus: That is not approval. That is a passive hum.
Charlie: A passive hum is better than nothing.
Severus: Marginally.
Charlie: 9/10? Really?
Severus: Quiet, discrete, minimal damage. Very efficient.
Charlie: And still fun.
Severus: Or dangerously overconfident.
Charlie: Potato, potahto.

Addendum:
Historical displays unharmed.
Binns continues ghostly monotony, seemingly unaware of all. One “hm” did not clarify.
Charlie insists that even a faint acknowledgement counts as validation.
Severus quietly contemplates new security charms—or perhaps an eternal snoozing curse on Professor Binns if can be adapted to affect ghosts.

 

21. The Astronomy Tower - Observation Deck

Status: ✓
Rating: 8/10 (Risk of Professor Vector joining forces with Professor McGonagall and Madam Pomfrey due to unintentional destruction of telescopes—again)

Risk of discovery: Moderate (rarely visited at night, but owls linger and stairs creak, and Professor Vector is still after our blood from our last attempt.)
Risk of bodily injury: Moderate (windy ledges, slippery stone, risk of falling telescopes)

Notes: Wind is relentless at the top. Telescopes precariously placed. Stars breathtaking. Head spins, heart races—partly from height, mostly from Charlie’s insistence on not needing to test the handholds on the railing.

On the page, lines of ink scrawled themselves as though written by an invisible hand:

Charlie: You were gripping that railing as if it owed you money.
Charlie: I wasn’t going to let you fall off.

Ava gasped. “Is… is it writing itself?”

Theo leaned closer. “They’ve clearly got their own communication notebooks!”

Ava blinked rapidly, her mind spinning, and slammed the black journal shut with a force that created a gust of air. “We have to leave. Forever. We can never face them. Not after this.” Her voice trembled, each word coated with a mixture of fear and disbelief.

Theo, still standing beside her, was equally shaken, his hands fidgeting at his sides. “We need Obliviation. A strong one. One that erases every… horrifying detail,” he muttered, his jaw tight.

The door swung open with a bang that sounded louder in their heads, startling both of them. Severus appeared in the doorway, the tension in the room thickening immediately.

“Hi, you two okay? I just need to grab something,” Severus muttered, a low rumble of distraction in his tone as he rifled through the drawers of the desk, oblivious at first to the tension around him.

Severus’ eyes widened at Ava’s ashen face, and he took a careful step closer. “Ava… why are you so pale?” His voice held that soft mixture of concern and trepidation. His gaze darted between Ava’s terrified expression, then to Theo’s, finally landing on the black book clutched in her hands. His sharp features tightened as realisation slowly dawned. “Please tell me… You didn’t?” His voice, usually measured, carried a rare edge of panic.

Ava’s hands shook as she held the journal to her chest. “Why… why do you live to traumatise me?” Her words were barely a whisper, but they cut through the room like glass.

“No one forced you to read it!” Severus said dryly, his voice sharp but tinged with exasperation as he lunged forward and snatched the book from her grasp. “And like you're innocent!”

“I do not write my escapades in a diary for anyone to find, thank you very much!” Ava shot back, her cheeks flushing with a mixture of amusement and embarrassment. “Or to be rated… or commented on… or… or annotated!”

Severus held the journal as if it were a ticking time bomb, his sharp eyes narrowing. “Some boundaries exist for a reason,” he muttered, though a faint flush betrayed his own mortification at what might have been revealed.

Ava sagged onto the arm of the sofa, trembling, but a small, incredulous laugh slipped past her lips despite everything. “You’re both… terrible,” she said, shaking her head. “Absolutely terrible. No morals or professionalism at all!”

Severus raised an unimpressed brow. “Were you, or were you not, caught literally with your hand down Harry’s trousers and Draco’s up your skirt?”

Ava flushed crimson. “Dad,” she whined, embarrassment lacing her tone at having her godfather call her out on her behaviour.

“Do not Dad me! You can’t take the moral high ground when your behaviour has left a lot to be desired!”

Ava huffed, crossing her arms. “It’s called teenage rebellion!”

“It’s called getting yourself in trouble to piss your father off!”

“Potato, pota-toh!”

Severus rolled his eyes. “Speaking of, your father wants to see you both.”

“Do we have to?” Ava grumbled, falling gracelessly back into the chair.

“Yes!”

Ava rolled her eyes, forcing herself off the chair with the enthusiasm of a sloth, mumbling something that suspiciously sounded like, “Wait until I tell Tom about this!”

Severus groaned, tucking the black journal under one arm as he muttered, “I am never, ever leaving this in unwarded again.”