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Ensign Naomi Wildman, daughter of Samanta Wildman, Captain’s Assistant on board the USS Voyager, adopted sister of Icheb, gave no warning before climbing up onto a support beam and announcing:
“The floor is lava!”
Elnor wasted no time, crossing the bridge in three swift steps and hooking his arm around Hugh’s waist before clambering up onto a console.
No-one else made any efforts to move.
“Seriously?” Rios scoffed from the Captain's chair, unimpressed by his visitors' antics, and even less impressed with Elnor and Hugh’s. “You two are sickening.”
“You gotta do better than that, Wildman!”
A voice from behind made everyone turn to face the all-familiar god-like newcomer whom Icheb was dating for reasons none of them could figure out. He raised one hand, fingers poised to click.
Naomi’s face lit up.
“Yes!”
“No!”
“Q, don’t!”
“Oh, shit!”
“The floor… is… LAVA!” Q Jr announced, clicking his fingers.
The following happened within three seconds.
“Damn it!” Rios scrambled up onto the back of his Captain’s chair, while Agnes simply pulled her legs up onto her chair. Soji copied Agnes, not knowing why but unwilling to find out what would happen if she didn’t.
Seven grabbed Picard by the arm and hauled him up onto the railings of the upper level, Raffi climbing onto the railings on the opposite side.
Naomi screeched from the bulkheads as Icheb practically dove for the helm, standing atop it in a way that would have made Tom Paris proud and Kathryn Janeway livid.
Elnor suddenly decided the console he was standing on simply was not good enough. He tightened his hold on Hugh, who latched onto him in response, before jumping up to grab one of the triangular beams that lined the walls.
The floor shifted, faintly at first, until the metal bubbled and began to glow a bright orange, morphing into a lava-like substance that rose until it licked at the undersides of the consoles and chairs.
Q Jr had disappeared.
“Bloody kid!” Rios cried, then turned and pointed at Icheb. “Your boyfriend is insane!”
“Apparently, it’s a part of his charm.” Icheb retorted. “I prefer to use the term unstable myself.”
“Is anyone else wondering how the hell Elnor is able to hold both himself and Hugh up there?” Agnes asked, her eyes fixed on the Romulan and the xB practically hanging from the rafters.
“I have trained in the ways of the Qowat Milat.” Elnor responded. “And Hugh is not heavy.”
“Bullshit, he’s half tritanium!” Rios snapped.
“Hugh is fine.” Seven growled lowly, catching Rios’ attention. A glare from her immediately reminded Rios how insecure Hugh was about his Borg components, and he suddenly regretted saying anything.
Raffi jumped to the rescue.
”Icheb, you have got to get a better taste in men!” Raffi cried, making Seven laugh.
”That suggests that Q is a man and not a child.” The Ranger smirked. “But I agree. Icheb, I accept and love every part of you. Except for him.”
”Thanks, Seven.” Icheb gave a sarcastic nod of thanks before turning back to Rios. “Why is this my fault? Naomi started it!”
”You invited her here!” Rios reminded him. “And Q is your boyfriend. Looks very much like you're the one in the middle of it all.”
“Oh, shush.” Seven scoffed. “Icheb can’t help the fact his boyfriend is an idiot.”
“Kid, be more like Hugh.” Rios pointed up to where Elnor was pulling Hugh up atop the triangular beam. “He at least had the sense to get himself a lethal weapon for a boyfriend.”
Elnor glared at him.
”I have bound-“
“-‘Bound yourself to him and his cause’, we know, you remind us every time anyone looks at him funny. Again, you’re both sickening.” Rios rolled his eyes at Elnor, who hardened his glare in response.
”I consider Q to be a lethal weapon when he wants to be.” Icheb retorted. “For example, he almost killed us all with lava.”
“As if I’d kill you!”
Q materialised beside Icheb on the helm.
”Honestly, how can you think so lowly of me? It’s just a projection.”
”Oh, is that so?” Icheb asked, giving Q a quick smirk before shoving him into the ‘lava’. Picard’s laugh echoed through the ship while Icheb gave Rios a proud look.
Q resurfaced as though swimming in the lava, a look of shock on his face.
”Itchy, you just killed me!”
”It’s just a projection, Q-Ball.” Icheb scoffed as Soji put her hand in the lava, making swirly patterns within it. “Do I need to remind you of the time you actually did almost get me killed?”
”One time!” Q cried. “I didn’t tell Dad to kill you, he just did it!”
“…what?” Hugh asked from the ceiling, suddenly concerned. Icheb ignored him.
”Perhaps if you hadn’t been a little shit-“
”Icheb! Language!” Seven scolded, and Icheb stopped talking.
”This is all your fault.” Q Jr turned to Seven. “You raised him to be sassy!”
”Ha! Icheb had plenty of sass without my help.” Seven chuckled proudly.
”I think we’re losing sight of who is really at fault here.” Picard spoke up. “Rios, you allowed Ensign Wildman on board. Therefore, this is all your fault.”
”¿Disculpe?” Rios gawped. “My fault?! Icheb invited her!”
”JL’s right, you approved it.” Raffi pointed out.
“She’s the one that started whatever the hell this is!” Rios cried. “Why isn’t it her fault?!”
”We don’t blame Naomi for things.” Icheb spoke up from atop the helm. “There is no Admiral in Starfleet that Naomi hasn’t got wrapped around her finger. She even got out of trouble with Admiral Paris once, and we still don’t know how she managed it.”
”It probably had something to do with Admiral Janeway siding with her ‘Captain’s Assistant’.” Seven muttered.
“Can I just remind everyone that I didn’t ask for Q Jr to appear and make actual lava?” Naomi added from the beam she was clinging onto. Q scowled at her from his position in the lava.
“Projected lava. Don’t pretend this isn’t the most fun any of you have had in years. Even Uncle Picard finds it amusing!” Q indicated to Picard, who was, in fact, chuckling to himself.
”You are so very much like your Father.” Picard told him, his tone thick with fondness. Q Jr, for once, found himself with nothing to say. “Come on, Rios. Lighten up.”
”Take him to Freecloud, he said. It’ll be fun, he said.” Rios grumbled to himself, turning back around in his chair. “‘It’s just a short trip, just two of us, we’ll be out of your hair-‘ Fucking bullshit. Now look at me, stuck with this crew of children! Fucking Borg and Romulans and androids and Qs…”
“I think that’s discrimination.” Picard spoke up, turning to Raffi, who nodded.
”Absolutely.”
”I just listed you all, I didn’t say shit about you.” Rios argued. “If I’d said I hated Borg and Romulans and Androids and Qs, different story.”
”Did you hear that?” Seven asked. “Rios hates our races.”
”Definitely grounds for court martial.” Picard smirked. Rios threw up his hands.
”One day, I’m gonna turn around and dump you all on an M-Class planet so I can get on with my life.” Rios growled. “Q! Do something about the goddamn lava!”
”Alright, you asked for it.” Q grinned, clicking his fingers. Naomi cackled wildly as the lava began to rise.
”Q!” Rios screamed. Picard laughed as the lava lapped at his feet, making no moves to escape it. Seven and Raffi clambered higher up, as though it would do anything to help, while Agnes and Soji decided to remain still and succumb to their fate.
”Alright, Naomi has had her fun.” Icheb turned to Q. “You can get rid of the lava now.”
”Are you kidding? This is far more fun!” Q scoffed.
”Fine. It looks like someone doesn’t want to go on a date tonight.”
”Wait, what?” Q halted everything. “Really?!”
”I don’t know.” Icheb crossed his arms. “Looks like you’re busy here.”
The lava was gone with one click of Q’s fingers.
“Nope! Date night!” Q practically pulled Icheb down from the Helm and dragged him away. “Okay, so I know this place-“
Icheb turned to Seven, mouthing a ‘You’re welcome’ before disappearing around the corner. Everyone looked around at each other before climbing down from their safe places.
”So, Naomi Wildman has Starfleet wrapped around her finger, while Icheb has a Space God wrapped around his.” Raffi turned to Naomi. “Sorry, Kid, looks like Icheb wins.”
“That was so much fun.” Naomi giggled as she jumped down. Elnor, too, hopped down from the support beams and reached his arms up to help Hugh down.
“I agree, I was amused.” Picard smiled. “I forgot how refreshing the energy of a Q can be.”
”You cannot be serious.” Seven turned to Picard. “Everything I have ever read about Q Sr was about how he was a pain in your ass!”
Raffi snorted.
”You can’t trust anything JL reports, Seven. Officially, Q was a pain in Picard’s ass. Unofficially, Q was in-”
”Let’s stop there, shall we?” Picard held up his hands. Seven gawped at him, then smirked dangerously.
”You know that makes you Icheb’s Father-In-Law?”
The Admiral groaned.
”Can the universe please stop bestowing children upon me!” Picard pleaded. “First Wesley, then Data, then Hugh, then Elnor, then Dahj and Soji, and now Icheb?”
Hugh, Elnor, and Soji all looked up at that.
“-Why am I-?”
“-I’m your child?”
“-Excuse me?”
Picard sighed.
”Yes. Hugh, you were a small little thing when we found you and you behaved like a toddler. Elnor, I considered you the closest thing I had to a Nephew after Renee died. Soji, your sister wormed her way into my heart and that is where you sit now. So yes, you’re all children in my eyes.”
”Children you consider yours.” Raffi added, and Picard winced.
Hugh’s eyes burned with tears while Soji held her hand over her necklace. Elnor, overwhelmed, rushed over to Picard and launched himself at him, throwing his arms around the Admiral’s neck. Hugh and Soji glanced at each other before rushing to join them.
Picard, trapped in a hug from all directions, glanced at Seven for help, but the xB just grinned at him.
”Since Naomi is Icheb’s adopted sister, you’re her Father-In-Law too.” She beamed.
”Seven-“
”Yay!” Naomi quickly joined the hug, much to Picard’s irritation. He couldn’t be too mad really, he thought. It was quite nice to have another crew again.
And he knew exactly how to end this hug.
”The floor is lava!”
Everyone screamed and dispersed to find a surface to stand on, while Picard shot a winning look at Seven.
He won.