Chapter Text
Sirius looked out of the window with a strange kind of sadness. He knew something was wrong with him; his thoughts were beginning to betray him.
When he looked at his friends — at clever Lily and Remus, at playful James and sweet, calm Marlene and Mary — he saw his family. His real family.
And yet the names that came to mind were different.
Regulus, Narcissa, and Bellatrix.
Of course, he did not forget Andromeda, but for most of his childhood, it had been those three beside him, not her. She had run away with her boyfriend, believing they would understand. But they had spent most of their lives together — the four of them, bound by blood and the strange, cold closeness that came with being Blacks.
Sirius remembered evenings spent with his cousin Narcissa in the library, the two of them sitting together in silence, reading about obscure spells and old rituals. Back then, it had been easy for him to be with her like that. Easy to belong.
Now all he could think about was how much of himself he had sacrificed in order to change. How much he had altered — his appearance, his habits, even parts of his nature — so that he might better fit the life he had chosen and the friends he had made.
Now he was jealous of his own past.
The duels with Bellatrix still burned brightly in his memory; they had felt like pure energy, sharp and exhilarating. And then there had been Regulus — that little monster — with their silent sort of partnership, and the way he would put on the most innocent expression imaginable after doing something that felt almost criminal.
Still, it was gone. Lost.
He could not be with people who were so cruel. Not anymore.
Now he was an ordinary student, or as ordinary as anyone at Hogwarts could be, and a wizard firmly aligned with the Light. After Hogwarts, he and James were meant to train as Aurors together. Remus would probably choose something quieter, perhaps something scholarly — or perhaps even healing.
This is not what you want, something whispered quietly in the back of his mind.
Sirius pushed the thought away, gathered his things, and headed off to training with James. The term had started only a week ago, and James, as Quidditch captain, had already begun scheduling practices with exhausting frequency. Sirius would really have to apply himself, considering he had spent the entire summer neglecting training and idling away his time with James. He had not felt any real passion for it, but it had given him an excuse to spend more time with his friend and burn off some excess energy.
Now that they were back at the castle, they spent far more of their days apart, as James devoted much of his time to his girlfriend.
Ever since Lily had become James’s girlfriend, she had gradually woven herself — along with her friends — into their little circle. The Marauders were, in theory, still a quartet, but they rarely spent time alone together anymore.
Sirius did not truly mind. He paid the girls little attention. They got on well with his friends, and that was enough for him. Still, his upbringing had left too deep a mark on him; even when he tried, he found he had very little to say to them. Whether it was Lily or Mary, they did not seem to have much in common with him. At times, he wondered whether their outlook was simply too different from his, or whether he still did not understand Muggle culture as well as he liked to think, despite all his efforts.
Of course, he would be the first to point out that he did attend Muggle Studies. He had learned many interesting things there and knew perfectly well what a television was, or electricity. Even so, he never felt entirely at ease when he was not surrounded by magic.
After all, being raised in a wizarding household leaves its mark upon one’s soul.