Chapter Text
If we'd go again
All the way from the start
I would try to change
Things that killed our love
Your pride has built a wall
So strong that I can't get through
Is there really no chance
To start once again?
scorpions - still loving you
It was with heavy steps Kaidan walked upstairs, he was balancing a tray with water, pills, and a bowl of that horrendous babymash. He tried to make it more appetizing, but was pretty limited as John couldn’t digest berries, oats or anything Kaidan could think of.
John had managed to keep his vomiting spells a secret for a very long time, but Kaidan had noticed how he lost weight. But John had brushed it off as nothing, insisting he was just acclimating to civilian life.
It was not until Kaidan had been notified that John had fainted in the middle of the class he was teaching, he realised his suspicion that John was lying, - had been, if not justified, - then brutally confirmed. The doctor had told Kaidan that John’s digestive system had, in lack of other words, - shut down. He was simply not able to break down solid foods, but at the time they had no answer as to why.
They still didn’t.
John being John, he had insisted it was just a dizzy spell, and had discharged himself from hospital, against both the doctor and Kaidan’s advice. John had laughed his fears off, and told him it took ‘more than a stomach bug’ to get the better of him.
Only it wasn’t a fucking stomach bug, they both knew that. But John, bless his heart, - he had done everything to hide the grim truth from Kaidan. But eventually Kaidan had confronted him, he had been angry and frightened. But had stopped dead in the middle of his frustrated accusatory tirade, as he watched John crumble under his hard words. He had never seen John cry before, and that was when he realised that John was just as scared as him.
Kaidan stopped outside their bedroom door, looking down at the sorry tray. John had eventually quit his teaching job, at first he had just taken a short term medical leave. Perhaps he needed to believe it, and perhaps Kaidan had needed to believe it too. But the short term leave became permanent. Not because John had wanted it so, but because the brass had decided they couldn’t allow people to see him like that, - they expected ‘John fucking Shepard’ like in the holos.
John had taken that pretty hard, - there had been none of those ‘fix it’ remarks of his. Even in the middle of battle with impossible odds, John would have a smile and some ‘they have cannons, we have Grunt’, kinda funny remarks. None of that, - he had just fallen silent and sullen.
Kaidan had begged him to see a doctor, a head doctor. And in the end, John had obliged. Most of the pills on this tray were different kinds of mood stabilisors, and vitamins, - not that this shit made any difference. Still Kaidan felt he had to try.
With his hand lingering on the door handle, Kaidan smiled to himself. Remembering how he had made this exact trip, only a year ago. Carrying breakfast and orange juice in the nude, entering the bedroom just to see John’s smile.
As he entered their bedroom, he was reminded of just how far their present was from the past. The smell was sterile and had an undertow of decay, medicine and fear. “John?” Kaidan said with a fake perky tone. “Rise and shine.”
John stirred, and Kaidan walked into the room and placed the tray on the medical sidetable, - it had wheels under it and was adjustable in height. He fucking hated all the medical stuff that had snuck into their bedroom over time, - nessesary, sure. But it didn’t change the fact he felt completely overwhelmed by reality every time he entered. “Come on, John. I have your breakfast.” He said, walking over to undo the curtains, letting in sunlight to the room, opening a window slightly to let in some fresh air.
Same routine every fucking morning.
John rolled over on his back with a groan, rubbing his eyes. “More pills?” he asked as he struggled to sit up, his face grimacing in disgust as his gaze fell on the unappetizing tray.
“I’m afraid so.” Kaidan sighed and sat down at Shepard’s side, reaching for the table with the tray, pulling it over to them, turning it so John could reach his food.
“So, - What happened to the naked breakfast?” John chuckled and coughed as he struggled to get comfortable.
Kaidan smiled, genuinely this time, “maybe tomorrow.”
Just for a second John looked at Kaidan, his eyes were sad and tired. “Yeah, - maybe tomorrow.” he mumbled as he obediently took the glass of water, and the pills that Kaidan held out for him.
Kaidan watched as John struggled to keep down the pills, breathing through his nose waiting for the nausea to subside. He held out a vomit bag for John, who just swatted it away angrily.
“Just take it, John.” Kaidan said softly, holding out the bag again. This time John took it, but just left it in his lap. Kaidan held out the last pills, and John took them with a frown, downing the rest of the water. And this time he couldn’t hold it, - blood and stomach acid sprayed out over the bed and floor.
John wiped his face in the corner of the duvet cover, it had to be changed anyway. “Sorry,” he mumbled, shooting Kaidan a little smile. Kaidan smiled back, funny how everything else had changed, but that damn dimpled smile had not. “I’ll clean this,” John said, “go on. You must be late for work already.”
“I have the day off today,” Kaidan said softly, moving away from the bed. Mentally noting to buy some air fresheners or something.
John didn’t answer, he just stood from the bed, carefully stepping around the sick on the carpet.
“I was thinking we could go for a walk at the hangars, I heard they got a brand new model of battle cruiser.” Kaidan smiled lovingly, “So, - you need to get your ass into a bath, marine.”
John turned around and looked at Kaidan in confusion. “You took the day off to go look at a fucking docked battlecruiser?” John asked, “Who are you, and where is my Kaidan?”
“Well,” Kaidan shifted a little. “I was thinking we could go see that battlecruiser after we went to the doctors.” He smiled his most brilliant smile at John, “we have an appointment today, remember?”
“No!” John’s answer was prompt and hard. He turned from Kaidan and just started to pull the soiled bed linen off. “I told you, - no more doctors.”
“John.” Kaidan sighed, “I know you said that, but..”
“And I fucking meant it.” Shepard said, carrying the dirty bed linen to the hamper.
“Alright, I’ll cancel the appointment.” Kaidan sighed, as John returned to the bed for the sheet. Kaidan reached out and gingerly touched his bony shoulder. "Don't be like that.”
“Like what?” Shepard huffed in childish offense, ripping off the sheet in anger.
“I still believe in a cure,” Kaidan said with a tiny voice. It was the one thing they didn’t speak about, the elephant in the room. Because he ‘had’ to believe in a cure, he ‘needed’ to trust everything would go back to normal. But John had long since given up hope, which left Kaidan to carry that burden alone.
John turned around and looked at Kaidan’s sad face, “babes, we tried everything. I don’t see the...”
“Still.” Kaidan whispered, interrupting John. “If it were me in that bed,” he gestured at what was once their bed, now it was John's entire world. “Wouldn’t you turn every rock in the universe to save me?”
“I would,” John admitted, turning to look out at the blue skies outside the window. He took a deep breath, “I would love to go see that battlecruiser with you, if you still want to go.”
“John...” Kaidan whined, - he hated when he talked around the topic at hand like this.
“If you were me, would you want to spend your last time with pills and hospitals?” He finally turned his head and looked directly at Kaidan, “or would you want to make some good memories instead?”
“I would try, for you.” Kaidan said, knowing how cruel and manipulative it was, - but none the less how he felt. He felt like John gave up, and he had to fight for them both. Fight an unknown enemy, on unknown enemy territory.
John looked back at the window, “There’s nothing left but quacks and drugs.”
“Don’t say that.” Kaidan said, his voice heavy with unshed tears. “Come on John, for me, - please?”
“I am telling you, that this doctor will tell you the same as the last hundred." John said, finally pushing off the bed, and walked past Kaidan to grab a towel. “They have no fucking idea why my body is crapping out on me, but it is.”
“But you will go?” Kaidan asked, his voice hopeful. He walked over to the door to the bathroom, - watching as John got ready for a shower.
“Yeah, I’ll go.” John said, holding a hand under the spray waiting for the right temperature. He looked over his shoulder at Kaidan, “for you.”
Kaidan was waiting on the phone patiently, he had been asked to call for the results of the tests they did the other day.
“Doctor Wayman here.” An authoritarian voice finally said on the other end.
“Kaidan Alenko here,” Kaidan said. “I am calling for the results of John Shepards test results, - I was told to call today, and... do you, do you have them?”
Doctor Wayman sighed, his comlink was fuzzy but steady, - and Kaidan could already tell he wouldn’t like the answer. “I have the results, - would you prefer we did this in person, Mr Alenko?”
Kaidan braced himself and breathed “No, just tell me.” Afraid to hope, but angry at himself for even thinking that.
“As my colleagues explained to both you, and Mr Shepard. The cybernetics he has is, not only foreign technology, but also an integrated part of him.” the doctor said, “these tests show a rapid decline in activity.”
“What, - what does that mean?” Kaidan asked, his voice barely a whisper.
“It means his system is slowly shutting down, - he is dying mr. Alenko.” The doctor said, watching as Kaidan’s face fell to a mask of grief. “The cybernetics are nothing like we have seen before,” the doctor paused. “Mr Alenko, I promise you, - we are doing everything we can to analyse what information we have from his implant, but it will take time.”
“Time...” Kaidan mumbled in a wet woolen voice. “Time John doesn’t have I assume.”
“Correct, - it would take years to even make a dent in that data. I’m sorry, son.” The doctor studied Kaidan through the comlink, “there are options, - I hope you know that.”
Kaidan nodded, but didn’t answer the doctor.
“I will write a prescription for some additional medicine, please make sure to collect it as soon as possible.” The doctor wrote something down, and looked up at Kaidan again, “and how about you, Mr. Alenko, how are you holding up?”
“I’m fine, ” Kaidan sniffled down the phone. Almost smiling as he could hear John's stupid effortless ‘positivity lies’ roll off his tongue with ease. He had dared to hope that everything would be fine, and he would have John back.
“I will send you a list of options, please don’t hesitate to call them.” The doctor said, “Mr. Alenko, be sure to purchase a strongbox, if you do not already own one.”
“Why?” Kaidan heard his own voice croak out. He couldn’t listen to this doctor anymore, he didn’t want to hear what he had to say.
“Because they are sedatives and strong muscle relaxants.” Doctor Wayman said, and when he could tell Kaidan didn’t know what he meant, he said. “Strong morphine, son. It will help him be less afraid and in pain.”
For a split second Kaidan wanted to say ‘what about me? i’m afraid too’, - but he didn’t. “Thank you doctor Wayman.” Kaidan mumbled and hung up the phone while the doctor was still talking. Kaidan buried his face in his hands and wept in earnest, the kitchen they had both been excited about designing, felt like a fucking tomb. They had envisioned friends over for dinner, and parties, - but they had run out of time. And now the kitchen just served as a sad testament to the life they thought they’d have, - not the one they had.
Kaidan hardly noticed the soothing hand on the back of his nape, but as he heard John say, “I’m sorry.”
Kaidan turned his head and looked up at Shepard who stood next to him. “I thought you were watching TV.” Kaidan whispered flatly, smiling through his tears.
John sat down in the chair next to Kaidan, and took his hand, kissing the knuckles. And with a smile he looked up at Kaidan’s tear puffed face. “Don’t cry,” he said, “I’m still right here.”
“I know.” Kaidan managed a little smile.
“I was thinking,” John said, caressing his own gray stubble on his cheek with Kaidan’s hand. “What about we get tickets for the stadium this weekend, huh?”
“That would be nice,” Kaidan said, laughing even if his tears wouldn’t stop. He had no idea how long John had been listening, - but something told him he already knew. And perhaps he had refused the doctors, not because he was afraid of treatment, but because he didn’t want Kaidan to lose hope.
“That’s a date, then.” John smiled and kissed Kaidan’s lips lightly.
That night Kaidan had woken on the sofa, suffering terrible nightmares, so real he felt sick. Getting up from the sofa he made his way upstairs in the dark, maybe the only cure for these nightterrors was to see that John was still here.
So he went around the bed, and slinked under the covers. It felt strange to lay here, - this used to be his side of the bed. But he had not slept here for over six months. He would never tell John, but the smell in the room was sickening. He smiled as he wrapped an arm around Shepard’s bony frame, forcing himself to remember when they bought this bed, how they had laughed in the store. John’s childish crude innuendoes making the clerk blush.
So many mornings he had awoken in this bed, and felt blessed.
He remembered the feeling of his lover, of John as he ought to be, - as Kaidan wanted him to be. And the terrible contrast of the rattling sound of his breath, and Kaidan he tried to place his hand where he would feel less bone.
“Mmm..” Shepard mumbled half asleep, lacing his fingers with Kaidan's moving their hands to his chest. His thumb caressed Kaidan’s hand idly, “this is nice.” John whispered softly.
Kaidan felt tears in his eyes as he whispered, “yeah, this is nice.”
“Couldn’t sleep?” John asked in the dark, and Kaidan felt terribly guilty, of course John had noticed he wouldn't sleep in their bed.
“Nightmares,” Kaidan answered in all honesty.
The next morning Kaidan woke to a bone chilling scream, it took him a moment to realise it was not in his dream but originating from beside him, in the wake world. He sat up in bed in alarm, looking around confused in the dim morning light. “What? - what?” He gasped, trying to focus with his sleep-addled brain, - realising that John sat up in bed next to him, stiff as a board.
“Kaidan?” John asked with a tiny voice, a hand blindly reaching out for Kaidan, finding a warm soft hand. “I.. Oh God..” John whimpered, squeezing Kaidan’s hand painfully hard. John made a choked sound as he started to weep, his entire body shaking from his sobs.
Kaidan shuffled closer, wrapping the arm which John did not have in a vice grip, around him. “John, talk to me,” Kaidan asked, trying to stay calm, kissing John’s temple, but everything in him told him something was really, really wrong.
John let out a broken sob, visibly trying to collect himself, taking a couple of deep breaths. “There’s something wrong with my eyes,” he turned his head to where he felt Kaidan sitting.
Kaidan was unable to hide his terror as he just stared at Shepard’s eyes. The once black pupils were milky white, and the blue irises were dull. Almost consumed by white tendrils like it was some kind of invading mold. “Oh God, John,” Kaidan croaked, finally finding his voice, “Oh Jesus, please... no.” Kaidan rested his forehead against John’s.
John’s breath came in panicky quick puffs of air, “It’s my brain, Kaidan. Even ‘I’ know that.”
“Maybe it’s just some nerves to your eyes... You’re no doctor.” Kaidan argued, knowing that John might be right. “Lay down, I’ll fetch your pills and call the hospital, okay? You’ll see it’s not what you think.”
“No..” Shepard’s voice was thin and begging, “Stay.”
“Of course,” Kaidan whispered, wrapping his arms around Shepard’s still trembling frame.
“What if I never get to see you again,” John whispered with a thick voice, clinging to Kaidan for dear life. “What if I forget what you look like?”
“You won’t.” Kaidan whispered with a little smile, “Someone once told me that I had timeless beauty, like Michelangelo's David.”
“Don’t make fun of me.” Shepard argued, but couldn’t help but to smile. He remembered saying that, and meaning it.
“It’s not my fault you’re corny,” Kaidan smiled against John’s temple, hearing the other man chuckle softly.
“Well it worked,” John said, his voice soft and sad.
“It worked,” Kaidan said, squeezing John a little tighter. “Though truthfully you could have talked about calibrations or fauna on mars, and I’d still have...” His voice trailed off, and instead of finishing the sentence he just sighed. “Are you gonna be okay for a moment? I really need to get your meds. And maybe some apple juice?”
“Yeah,” John whispered, but as Kaidan slipped away, - he could tell John was anything but okay.
Men like John Shepard was supposed to die in battle, not wilting away from cheap cybernetics. But nonetheless this was Kaidan’s reality, - and even if he had been vehemently against the idea; he and John had made a trade of sorts. John had agreed to his medication as shots, and Kaidan had agreed to let a nurse take the heavy lifting and caring so he could return to work.
And Kaidan had to admit, for a while it worked. He felt like a traitor for feeling relieved to leave the house, like some sort of normalcy was restored. The nurse would give John his shot, and care for the basics that no spouse or long term partner should, - like baths and toilet visits. But apart from that, she was company, and company that did something good for John. Once every week she would be accompanied by another nurse, - and together they’d help John navigate in his new reality. Make sure he got to his feet, and taught him how to make sure things had a place so he wouldn’t lose them, like the remote.
He even gained a little weight in that period, because he wasn’t vomiting. Kaidan was dead impressed by the nurses ability to work with John, she even persuaded him to get intravenous food that one time of week when they trained. Kaidan had a sneaking suspicion that the older nurse reminded John of his mother or something, because he would basically just do what she said. Even if it was something Kaidan had suggested many times over, if the nurse said it, he’d just fucking do it.
And in a way, Kaidan felt guilty for waiting for so long asking for help.
As Kaidan came through the door, he found the nurse and John on the sofa. John was snuggled up with a blanket, and she was reading to him. “So that’s what you do all day, huh?” Kaidan said with a laugh.
John smiled, “hey man, being a cripple comes with certain benefits.”
Kaidan crossed the room, making noise he approached like he was taught, - to not startle John. “Hey babes,” he leaned down and kissed John softly. “What’cha reading?”
“Don’t know, but I’m rooting for them to ditch the chick and fuck.” John laughed, kissing Kaidan back.
Kaidan picked up the book the nurse left on the sofa. “Hamlet? Really, John.”
“Why not?” John smiled a goofy boyish smile, which made Kaidan warm and happy.
The nurse gestured for Kaidan to come to the kitchen, and Kaidan excused himself, following her to the back end of their house. “I had to give him two shots today,” she said, “it’s fine if you just don’t give him more today.”
“Okay,” Kaidan nodded, wondering why she had to be secretive about that. “How, - how come?” he asked, reading the answer on the nurse's face, - sure he didn’t really want to hear it.
“His arm got worse,” she said. “He fell when we trained him earlier, because he lost his grip. I think you should expect the left arm to, uh, - stop responding some time soon.”
“Oh,” Kaidan sucked in his breath through his nose. “Does he know?”
“He is not dumb, he knows.” The nurse said, “I will call the doctor when I leave, see what we can do.”
“More horse tranquilizers I suppose,” Kaidan pinched the bridge of his nose.
“Probably,” the nurse said, “However, right now; he is happy, and rosy cheeked. So how about you go spend some time with him.”
“You’re right,” Kaidan said, “thank you.”
The nurse left and Kaidan came to sit on the sofa next to John, placing a hand on his thigh above the blanket. “I hear you’ve been driving the nurses nuts all day,” he said with a smile.
John stared blindly into the living room, “did you have a good day at work?” he asked, avoiding the question completely.
“Nothing special,” Kaidan said, wrapping an arm around John as he leaned against him.
“Tell me about it anyway,” John said, and Kaidan would have dismissed him with a laugh, thinking he was being funny, - was it not for the sad tone in his voice.
“Well, I don’t know what to tell you. I took some calls, wrote some emails, and ate lunch. All in all very uneventful.” Kaidan said, “I ran into James, remember him? Vega?”
“Yeah, -” John said softly. “How is he?”
“It was very quick, but he seemed to be doing alright.” Kaidan said, rubbing John’s arm gently. In reality it had not been quick, and he had taken his lunch with James. But he wasn’t about to tell John that, - not only would he be sad or jealous if he knew Kaidan would meet up with James for lunch whenever they found time. And Kaidan had to admit, even if it was because he’d asked James to help him, help John. He did very much enjoy lunch with James, and it was the highlight of his week when it happened. It made him feel dirty and terrible when he sat here with John, but James made him feel alive, and yeah well, - alive.
Their conversations was still centered around trying to locate anyone left from the Cerberus team who had revived John, installed that fucking cybernetics. And it was only light flirting, nothing serious.
“What did you have for lunch?” John said, shaking Kaidan from his thoughts.
“Oh, I had some chicken salad, garlic bread and lemonade with ice.” Kaidan said, “I went to that place by the theater, you know the one. They have the best coffee and cake.”
“I remember that place, ” John said softly, shifting under the blanket. “It sounds really nice…” John’s voice trailed off and he took a deep wet shuttering breath.
Kaidan took John’s hand, caressing it softly. “I shouldn’t have told you that, I’m sorry. Don’t cry, John.”
“I don’t even remember how a chicken salad tastes,” John half laughed, half sobbed.
“Come on, don’t be sad.” Kaidan turned on the sofa, cupping John’s face. It still creeped him out to look at those now milky white eyes, what had been tendrils at first had covered the entire eye, and now there was only a vague outline of what ought to be his iris. But he could still see the deep despair, and fear in them. And that was why he still searched for a cure, because he still saw the man he loved buried under all that decay.
“I miss chicken salad,” John whispered, his lips quivering. “I miss going out, - and I miss you; - Us.”
“I’m right here, babes.” Kaidan said, his thumb caressing the hollowed out cheek with a short graying beard.
“No, you’re not,” John whispered.
“How about I fold out the sofa, and turn on the tv, - we can just sit here for a while.” Kaidan said, deflecting the very direct statement. But he hated how it made him feel, because John was right, - he wasn’t here, not really. He stayed here because he wanted John, - his John, back. But he didn’t know what to feel about the John that was sitting next to him now. Somehow it had just never been on his bingo card, caring for John like this.
“Okay,” John said softly, but Kaidan could tell he didn’t mean it. Nonetheless Kaidan arranged them on the sofa and found a dumb show on tv.