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It was any other day in Whoville. The Grinch had been sulking away in his cave on Mount Crumpit, binge-eating, plotting how to steal Christmas.
Then he thought about the night he had with his secret homosexual lover, Conan Lee Gray. Oh, that Conan. He sure was something else. His long, luscious black curls, those deep brown eyes, those strong arms from always perfor- the Grinch was getting ahead of himself. He had far more important things to think about. Not that he wasn’t helplessly in love with Conan, but he needed to focus on ruining the holidays for Whoville.
But wait, Conan. Conan, Conan, Conan. Oh goodness, that’s right! Today is December 5th, Conan’s birthday! Forget Christmas, forget Whoville, the Grinch had to get Conan a present. At first he had the idea of giving Conan a sweater, but he had given him one already just two days prior. It looked better on Conan than it did the Grinch. But that one was just polyester, maybe he could get him a higher quality one?
He had been pacing back and forth, so lost in thought about what to get Conan that he didn’t even notice the persistent knocking on his door. He only realized once the knocking turned into loud, annoying banging. Heh, banging. That was funny.
The Grinch raced to the door as fast as he could, shouting “I’m coming!”
Grinch thought to himself again. I certainly did, didn’t I?
He yanked the door open, and what he saw on the other side made his jaw drop. It was Conan Lee Gray himself, and he was wearing the polyester sweater.
“C-Conan…” Grinch stammered.
“Hey, green boy,” Conan said with a flirty tone.
“I-uh- Happy birthday, my love!” Grinch came back to reality. Conan could really get him lost in a trance, he was ethereal.
“Thank you,” Conan giggled. “I know it’s my birthday, but I actually have a surprise for you.” Conan poked at Grinch’s green, furry chest.
“Come inside, I’m intrigued,” Grinch said with a smile
I thought that was your job Conan said in his head.
The two men sat down in Grinch’s cold living room.
“What is your, uh, s-surprise?” Grinch could barely speak clearly around Conan.
Conan took Grinch’s long hands, uh, paws? Whatever they were.
“So, d’ya remember the other night? When you were at my place? We had a lot of fun, didn’t we?” Conan was the one getting nervous now. He looked off to the side and scratched the back of his neck as he spoke.
“Yes, I-I do. I do not think I have ever felt such….euphoria.”
“Yes, well, that fun got us…this.” Conan traced a finger down Grinch’s soft arm, and took his hand. In it he placed a blue and white stick.
Grinch had never seen something like this before. What the hell was this? A thermometer? A magic wand? It had a dark green box in it with two black lines. He was rather confused.
“Conan, honey, I have no idea what this even is. You must elaborate.”
Conan sighed heavily. “It’s a pregnancy test, Grinch. I’m pregnant. I have your offspring growing in my stomach.”
Grinch’s eyes went WIDE.
“Your heart may be three sizes too small, but that certainly isn’t,” Conan pointed downwards and smiled nervously. “You’re gonna be a father, Grinch. We are gonna be fathers.”
Suddenly, the Grinch’s heart didn’t feel so small anymore. In fact, it felt like it was gonna beat right out of his chest. He clenched his upper chest and his breath got fast and shaky. He had tunnel vision.
“C-Conan, y-you can’t be serious…I-I….” Grinch tried and tried endlessly to find his words but he just couldn’t. All he could do was stutter and stammer until Conan finally grabbed him by his shoulders.
“Yes, I’m dead serious. Isn’t this good news to you, or…?” Conan’s smile slowly faded. “I-Is everything okay?”
“I just…I don’t know how to feel. I have never experienced something like this. This is all so new…I-I’m sorry, Conan. I need some vodka cranberry.” Grinch stood up, tripping over his own feet as he walked to the kitchen.
Conan’s face was heartbreaking. Tears welled up in his eyes. He split the pregnancy test in half over his knee and stormed out of the cave. Once he was outside, he slid down the walls of Mount Crumpit and bawled. He sobbed and sobbed until he was out of breath, desperately trying to breathe through broken cries and screams.
Once he could actually breathe again, Conan talked to himself. “S-Stupid v-vodka c-cranberry-y…” He took out a notebook from the inside of Grinch’s sweater and wrote down some lyrics.
“At l-least you’ll m-make for a g-good song y-you g-green monster-r.”
Speak up, I know you hate me
Looked at your picture and cried like a baby
Speak up, don’t leave me waiting
Got way too drunk off of vodka cranberry
The words baby and vodka cranberry were smudged from Conan’s tears falling on the paper. It was a strange coincidence. He glanced over to the left side of him, and he saw a wishbone. He made a wish and split the bone down the middle, wishing for his green boy to come to his senses about fatherhood.