Chapter Text
Chained. Responsibilities. Expectations. Demands. Cannot move. Swirling inside the body. Gray. Fast. Too fast. Dead ends. Shards. Smoke. Quiet. Too quiet. Too far. Nobody. Fear. Untethered. Unanchored.
The words kept repeating inside Jisoo’s head as she lay on the carpet of her small apartment. Everything was a mess. Some books were scattered everywhere, and half-empty, cold coffee mugs surrounded her body. By the window, a jar full of cigarette butts rested beside a dead plant. Was it a cactus or a succulent? She couldn’t remember. Her expensive camera sat dangerously close to the edge of the sofa. It needed charging. Her laptop also lay dead on the coffee table, and on the dining table, there were a couple of empty Chinese takeout boxes from two nights ago. There were crushed beer cans, empty wine bottles, and another ashtray with overflowing cigarette butts as well. Her whole apartment reeked of avoidance and postponed decisions.
She couldn’t move. She lay on her back with her eyes fixed on the ceiling, tears slipping freely down the sides of her face. She let out a heavy sigh.
Then she wondered how she got here. Why she was here. Why she was still here.
She was pretty sure she had died from heartbreak when her then-girlfriend decided to leave without an explanation. Cliché, she knew. But since then, she had been fired from her job, came thisclose to being homeless, cut off all communication with her friends, even her family, and lived dangerously close to losing it.
That was a year ago.
So why was she here? Why was she still here?
All this overthinking was put on hold when sleep finally claimed her a second later.
-
Jisoo was awakened by the annoying ringtone of her phone the next morning. Why the battery had not died was a mystery, considering she hadn’t charged it in days. She shivered involuntarily. Her sheer, white curtain swayed in the winter morning breeze from the window she’d forgotten to close the night before. She turned her head and a couple of Froot Loops fell from her messy, unwashed hair. Man, she needed to shower.
She reached for her phone and found out she’d missed the call just now. She had missed fourteen calls, in fact. All from Lisa, her employer.
She and Lisa had met by chance in a bar not far from her previous workplace. Jisoo had been fired that day due to zero productivity and late submissions so she decided to walk out, take the small box with all of her belongings and useless work stuff, and tossed them in the trash. She then went straight into the bar with only her personal camera dangling around her neck. She ordered many drinks at the counter, having no other mission than to go home plastered that night. Lisa struck up a conversation about the camera, said she’d been looking for another photographer to add to her roster, and told her to give her a call if she was interested. She handed her a calling card.
“Is this how people pick up women now?” Jisoo had half-joked.
Lisa squinted and gave her a critical once-over. “Hm. You’re not my type.”
Of course not. Messy hair. Unemployed. Shitty life. Why would she be anybody’s type?
Back in the present, Jisoo rubbed the back of her neck and pushed aside the books and coffee mugs surrounding her as she sat up. She checked her messages.
7:17 PM
Lisa: Kim Jisoo, don’t forget we have an event tomorrow. Check your email for the location and other specifics.
8:03 PM
Lisa: Please confirm??
7:07 AM
Lisa: Hello? Are you alive?
~14 missed calls~
8:34 AM
Lisa: Okay, that’s it. I’m coming over.
She checked the time and saw it was ten past nine. She rolled her eyes because any minute now, her friend slash employer would be here. Lisa was the only friend she had left after she had subconsciously cut everyone else off. When Jisoo lost her job, she agreed to be a contractor for Lisa’s events company. The Thai was an event organizer and often needed photographers to do the shoots in various locations. Jisoo had the experience and all the time in the world so she said why not?
She looked around her disheveled apartment. It was nothing Lisa hadn’t seen before, so she didn’t bother tidying up. Her gaze drifted to the shelf lined with picture frames. In one, she and her ex, Jennie, stood on a beach sharing a vanilla ice cream cone. The glass was cracked now, but the image and the memory were still painfully clear.
A loud bang on the door jolted her from her thoughts.
“Kim Jisoo!” Three sharp knocks followed.
Jisoo flinched. She heard Lisa rummaging under the rug, retrieving the spare key. Lisa found her still sitting on the floor. Her eyes swept over the apartment and she let out an exasperated sigh.
“Jisooya, you gotta get over it, man,” Lisa said, gathering the takeout boxes from the dining table and stuffing them into a plastic bag along with the bottles and cans. “When was the last time you left this apartment? Hm?”
She picked up the empty coffee mugs and brought them to the sink. The jar full of cigarette butts by the window and the overflowing ashtray were tossed in the trash. “Ugh, when are you gonna quit this nasty habit, unnie?”
Jisoo didn’t answer.
“And fuck dude, your apartment is so cold.” Lisa went to close all the open windows.
Jisoo felt glued to the carpet.
By the time the Thai had finished cleaning up what she could, she brewed fresh coffee. She then dialed her phone.
“Hello, Kev. Do you mind subbing for the event today at eleven? Yeah. I’ve got a situation. I’ll be there by midafternoon. Yep. Okay, thanks so much. Bye.”
She sat in front of Jisoo and picked up the stray Froot Loops scattered across the floor. It seemed cereal had been her friend’s only meal lately.
“Unnie.”
Jisoo ignored her. She stared down at her socks, picking lint from the fabric.
“What is it? Why are you spiraling?”
Just then, Jisoo’s phone alarm went off, drawing Lisa’s attention to it.
Reminder: Jendeuk + Jichu anniversary <3
Lisa sighed. “Come on.” She grabbed Jisoo by the arms.
“Get the fuck away from me!”
Lisa held on.
“Leave me the fuck alone!” Jisoo yelled.
“No.” Lisa pulled her into a tight hug. “No. I’m not letting you go down this road again.”
She remembered the last time Jisoo spiraled over her heartbreak. They had gone to a random bar under the pretense of celebrating a successful event. Later that night, Jisoo swallowed enough sleeping pills to send Lisa rushing her to the ER after a frantic call.
Jisoo sobbed. Her shoulders shook as she finally let herself be held.
“Sshh. It’s going to be okay,” Lisa murmured, rubbing her back. “I’ve got you.”
-
Jisoo found herself in the bathtub after Lisa left. The Thai had cooked her chicken curry with vegetables, the most proper meal she had eaten in weeks. Jisoo had apologized earlier for pushing her away, for being an irresponsible employee, and for being an absent friend. Lisa only nodded once and gave her a small smile.
In the bubbled, warm water, she contemplated. She didn’t understand love anymore. Any type of love. That simple four-letter word felt heavy on her tongue, heavier in her chest, and suffocating in her mind. It had broken her once, so now she moved through people, leaving fractures before they could leave her first.
But not Lisa. She still didn't understand why Lisa stayed. After the silence, the disappearing acts, the nights when she wouldn’t answer calls or texts or the door.
Then she wondered if she had ever truly loved at all. If she had genuinely loved her ex, her friends, her family, why was it that easy for her to let them drift away?
She submerged underwater for a few moments and waited until her overthinking brain cleared.
Winter had a way of stealing daylight as early as it could. It was only four in the afternoon, yet the sky had already turned a heavy blue-gray. It was the kind that pressed against the windows and made everything feel smaller and more faraway. There were fewer people on the streets, too, but Jisoo liked it that way. The string lights that hung at every corner were lit, and faint Christmas music could be heard in the background. She adjusted the scarf wrapped around her neck as she walked aimlessly.
Not faraway, she spotted an ice cream shop. The place was nearly empty, unsurprising given the biting cold outside. Most people were probably crammed into jjimjilbangs, soaking in hot baths, or huddled over steaming bowls of soup. Like normal people choosing warmth over frozen sugar.
She stepped inside and the wind chime overhead made a sparkling sound.
She didn’t even like ice cream. It was too cold to qualify as dessert, and it hurt her teeth. Her ex had loved it though. Loved all the flavors, especially the milky ones. Today was supposedly their anniversary and she thought commemorating it by eating ice cream was the kindest thing she could do to herself.
Jisoo studied the tubs on display. Each flavor had a pretentious name like Vanilla Cloud Symphony, Sicilian Pistachio Reverie, Belgian Midnight Chocolate Dream, Lavender Honey Crème Étoile.
“Hi, what can I get you?” A blonde, too upbeat and too bright with a sugar-sweet smile, greeted her.
Jisoo was startled and took a small step back. Jesus, why is she so sunshine and daisies?
“Hi. Do you have affogato?” Jisoo asked. It didn’t say on the menu overhead but she hoped they did.
“Um, no, sorry,” the woman replied. She looked as if she was making a mental note.
“Okay, which one is your bestseller?”
“Everything is a bestseller. Everything sells so fast,” the girl replied cheerfully.
Jisoo glanced at the almost untouched tubs. They looked full, as if no one had bought a single scoop all day. Why is she lying?
“But if you ask me which one is my favorite, it would be the Belgian Midnight Chocolate Dream,” the girl added proudly.
Jisoo’s eyes flicked to her name tag. Chaeyoung. It was the least pretentious name she had read all day. “Okay. One scoop, please.”
She paid the amount and sat by the window, watching the occasional passersby hurry through the cold. Some had their shoulders hunched and their scarves wrapped tight around their faces, their breaths coming out in soft clouds. No one lingered, no one looked up, and no one dared stall. Everyone seemed to be heading somewhere warmer and better.
The bell on the counter rang, snapping her out of her thoughts. Chaeyoung was smiling at her, gesturing toward the gelato as if reminding her it existed. Why can’t she just bring it over? It’s not like the place is packed. Jisoo rolled her eyes and stood to retrieve it.
Chaeyoung disappeared behind the counter and began humming. She turned up the volume of the jukebox.
“Hope you don’t mind. I love this song,” she said, peeking up to catch Jisoo’s reaction.
She started mopping the floor, occasionally using the handle as a microphone while she sang and swayed to the rhythm.
Jisoo returned to her seat and stared out the window again. A couple argued quietly at the corner before parting ways. A delivery man rubbed his hands together for warmth. A child tugged at her mother’s coat, pointing at the ice cream shop she was in. Life seemed to move around her but she felt still.
A minute later, Chaeyoung slid into the seat across from her.
“Hi again.” Her smile was dangerously infectious. “So, do you like it?”
Jisoo raised an eyebrow. Chaeyoung pointed at the ice cream with her lips.
“It’s okay,” Jisoo said flatly.
“Wow.” Chaeyoung leaned back dramatically. “You just called my favorite ice cream in the whole world okay.”
“Look, miss,” Jisoo set the cup down. “Do you always disturb your customers like this?”
Chaeyoung froze. “Oh. I’m sorry.” She quickly stood. “It’s just, it’s been slow all day. I haven’t talked to anyone.” She adjusted her red apron and retreated to the counter.
Jisoo closed her eyes and exhaled heavily. She had not meant to snap. She just wanted a quiet corner to sit in, to think, to breathe without someone trying to brighten her mood. Great, Kim Jisoo. Now you’re dragging someone else down, too.
Twenty minutes later, she stood. Chaeyoung was wiping the counter in silence with her shoulders slightly slumped. The music had now shifted to something slower and softer.
Jisoo approached.
“I’m sorry for snapping at you,” she said, hands fidgeting inside her coat pockets.
Chaeyoung pursed her lips and shook her head. “Don’t worry about it.”
“Your ice cream tastes incredible. It actually lifted my mood.”
Chaeyoung raised an eyebrow. “That was you in a good mood?” she asked lightly. “I’d hate to see your bad episodes.”
Now it was Jisoo’s turn to lift a brow.
“Not that I’d want to get to know you like that. Or see you again. Or anything.” Chaeyoung panicked, her words tumbling over each other.
Jisoo smirked. She held the blonde’s gaze a second longer, noticing the faint pink spreading across her cheeks. She tilted her head. Cute.
“What time do you get off?” Jisoo asked, surprising both of them.
Jisoo left the shop and walked the few blocks back to her apartment. She tidied up a little, changed her sheets, and lit a few scented candles. She cracked the window open and lit a cigarette, inhaling the smoke along with the sharp winter air.
A couple of hours later, she returned to the ice cream shop to pick up Chaeyoung.
Jisoo was kissing her hard, her mouth trailing down the curve of Chaeyoung’s neck when they stumbled onto the hallway leading to her apartment. Chaeyoung panted heavily, her fingers tangled in the brunette’s hair. Jisoo fumbled for the knob, pushed the door open, and the moment it shut behind them, she pressed Chaeyoung against it and kissed her again.
“Take me to bed,” Chaeyoung murmured, her voice low and raspy.
Jisoo obliged.
Later, the room was thick with heat and the lingering scent of sex. They lay on opposite sides of the bed with a thin blanket loosely draped over their bodies. Their clothes were scattered across the floor in a careless trail from the door to the mattress, as if the distance between had never stood a chance. Their breathing slowly steadied, though the air still thrummed with what had just happened.
Chaeyoung turned onto her side to face Jisoo. The brunette’s eyes were closed, her long lashes rested softly against her cheeks. Up close, she looked even more beautiful in a way that felt unfair, Chaeyoung thought. And she couldn’t believe she’d been kissing those soft, heart-shaped lips only minutes ago.
She realized she hadn’t even learned her name yet. She wanted to know, she wanted a reason to come back. There has to be a next time, she hoped, studying the rise and fall of Jisoo’s chest. Something about this didn't feel like a one-night accident.
Jisoo suddenly got up, unbothered by her nudity or by the eyes on her. She took a robe hanging on the door and slipped it on. Chaeyoung’s gaze followed every movement. The moment Jisoo opened the window, cold winter air rushed into the room so Chaeyoung reached for the thicker duvet and wrapped it tightly around herself.
Jisoo lit a cigarette.
“You can leave now, if you want,” she said casually, exhaling smoke into the night.
Chaeyoung blinked. For a second, she thought she had misheard. Is she serious?
When Jisoo said nothing more, the silence confirmed it. She swallowed a lump in her throat and pushed herself out of bed and gathered her clothes, dressing as quickly as her trembling fingers allowed. She didn't trust her voice, so she didn't speak. She walked out of the room hurriedly without looking back.
Jisoo watched her go, then turned back to the open window, blowing smoke into the cold, dark air.