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Finally the hotel room falls quiet. For the first time since early morning, Bang Chan lets himself breathe as he steps under the warm spray of the shower.
The day has been a blur of cameras and voices. Bright lights. Staff calling out instructions. He smiled through everything anyway. He always does. They all do, no matter how exhausted they are. Everything for STAY. STAY made them who they are now. Without the fans, there would be no Stray Kids.
Despite his exhaustion, the soothing hot water running over his body makes his mind wander back to work. More specifically to the Bench shoot earlier today. To Felix.
Felix stands a few feet away under the studio lights, leaning casually against a white backdrop while the photographer adjusts the angle.
Chan isn’t supposed to be watching, their schedule is tight but it’s hard not to with the way Felix laughs at something the stylist says, head tipping back slightly, his sunshine-blond hair catching the studio light. The photographer tells him to hold still, and when the shutter clicks, his face is back to that sensual expression the younger member has brought to perfection.
Chan looks away immediately when their gazes meet. Not for the first time. Probably not for the last. It’s stupid, really. They spend almost every day together. Flights, rehearsals, schedules, hotels. Felix drifts in and out of Chan’s orbit so naturally that sometimes it feels like… breathing. Like something that is meant to be.
And yet nothing ever happens. Not really. It’s just glances that last a second too long. Shoulders brushing in crowded rooms. Full body hugs on stage. That’s just their nature. All of them are like brothers, looking out for each other, taking care of each other. They are family.
And he, as their leader, should watch out for all of them equally, not favouring anyone. He loves them with all of his heart, platonically. But Chan can’t deny that it was the blond who catches his attention more often than not. He knows that Felix is fond of him as well, their Aussie upbringing giving them common ground. But no matter what, Chan needs to keep his feelings under control. Keep some distance between them without losing their closeness. He tells himself it’s better that way.
Still, when he returns his averted gaze, Felix is still watching and winking at him. Chan’s stomach flutters. They’ve all gotten so comfortable with each other that to anyone but them, an interaction like this would classify as flirting. But he knows better. It’s just Felix’s nature. He’s funny, caring, and most of all: the biggest flirt. Chan knows he’s not the only one on the receiving end of said flirting, but nonetheless, it still makes his heart pound and stomach flutter.
The photographer calls Felix’s name again and finally, the spell of their locked eyes breaks, the younger member smoothly falling back into his professional self. Chan has to look down at his phone just to remind himself to breathe.
Even now, he still feels his pulse quickening from the short eye contact. Chan shakes his head at himself. Surely, the phase would pass and he would be his old self soon. The most important thing is that he keeps all the members healthy and in good spirit.
But now that the schedule is finally over, and the silence of the hotel room almost feels unreal, it is time for some self-care. Only a mentally and physically well leader can be a good and strong leader. The boys need him. They rely on him. He is right where he always wanted to be.
Chan pushes the damp hair back from his forehead as he steps out of the bathroom, slipping into the bathrobe, loosely closing its band in front of him. The shower has washed away most of the day’s exhaustion, but his stomach immediately reminds him he hasn’t eaten since his small lunch snack.
Three paper bags sit on the small table by the window. The burgers he had ordered before showering. One of the members must have brought them in. He makes a mental note to later ask and thank whoever did that. Chan grabs the bag and drops onto the red couch.
“Maybe that’s a bit much,” he chuckles to himself as he frees the burgers from their paper prison. But it’s been a long day. He wanted to try the different flavours. He loves experimenting with food and learning about local dishes. But he wasn’t sure for how long he would be able to actually savour the experience today as he was already starving. The smell of grilled meat and toasted bread fills the room as he unwraps the first one. His gaze drifts toward his phone next to him. Something tugs at the back of his mind.
When was the last time he went live?
Usually he talks to STAY on the weekends. It’s almost routine at this point: music recommendations, random conversations, whatever comes to mind.
But promotion tours always move like this. Too fast. Everything blurring together until he couldn’t tell what day of the week it was anymore. One minute they’re standing on stage or in front of cameras, and the next minute Chan is alone in a quiet hotel room wearing nothing but a bathrobe and staring at three, now unwrapped, burgers, placed neatly on the small couch table in front of him.
This weekend is going to be packed. Rehearsals. Interviews. The concert. If he waits, he might not have time. And STAY have definitely seen him in worse states. He picks up his phone, accidentally hitting the “Go Live”-Button too early. Immediately, comments start flooding the screen. It takes him a few moments to realise.
Chan!!
Why are you in a robe??
Chan laughs and waves. “Hello everyone. Hello STAYs!”
He hears a sound and looks up. Felix flashes him his biggest sunshine grin after audibly burping. Chan is not even surprised, just laughs it off, talking to him and STAYs at the same time. It isn’t unusual for Felix to wander into his room anyway. If anything, it has become a pattern. Felix shows up eventually - dropping onto the couch, talking about something random, or sometimes just sitting nearby without saying much at all.
The younger man walks over to him, leaning over the phone to look into the camera. A familiar warmth spreads through Chan’s chest instantly.
“What are you even doing here?” He asks, laughing.
Felix, head still upside down and covering the whole screen now, shrugs, “Because I got locked out.” He slumps down next to Chan and waves at the camera. “Hi everyone!”
The blond looks exhausted, yet somehow he’s still radiating sunshine and happiness. Chan could still see make-up on his face. He probably ran out of his room because something came to mind, keycard forgotten on the bed. Or desk. Or even on the sink. You could never be sure with the chaos that is Felix.
“I probably would’ve written special guest but you’ve got to get ready, right?” Chan smiles at him fondly.
They start chatting back and forth, about how Felix hasn’t dyed his hair in probably a year and Chan doesn’t even flinch when he feels an arm being wrapped around his shoulders. The younger man keeps yapping and Chan simply listens to his soothing, deep voice.
Suddenly, Felix bursts out laughing. “This is your live, I forgot! I just forgot!”
Chan joins in the laughter because he really doesn’t care if Felix kidnaps his live to talk to STAY. It’s good having him here.
But only a couple words later, it seems like Felix is about to leave and a flash of disappointment flickers alive inside of Chan.
“That’s it?” He asks, incredulous.
Felix chuckles and moves to sit back down. “Kidding!”
“Yeah, you can stay if you want!”
“I kinda have to wash up.”
“You kinda have to wash up?” Chan falls into his Aussie accent. “Hey don’tcha wash up earlier? Why’re you so slow? What’re you doing?”
“Because I was getting rid of the make-up–”
He feels Felix side-eyeing him but still mocks him by repeating the sentence.
Within the blink of an eye, Felix shoots back, “And why do you have three burgers?”
“I wanted to taste test this!” Chan laughs. Out of everything Felix could have said, of course that’s the first thing. They talk over each other, Felix continuing to ask about the size of the burgers while Chan tries to explain his intention with the amount. He loves their bantering.
“It’s like a mukbang,” Felix states.
“Yeah”
“You’re doing a burger-bang.”
“A burger-bung”
The more he says it, the funnier it sounds and Chan starts making up his own burger-bang lyrics to the melody of “Manamana.” Felix immediately joins him. Chan watches the blond gleefully. It was moments like this that he wants to remember forever. Just them being silly and carefree. Life as an idol was hard, leaving them almost no free time and these rare moments are what he wants to cherish.
The conversation continues about the burgers for a while until Chan realises that he hasn’t even really welcomed everyone to this livestream except for a short “Hello.” So he introduces the new episode of “Chan’s Room with a very surprising special guest: Felix.”
Felix moves to sit behind Chan, rambling, “I still have my lenses in.”
“You do?” The older man turns around to look at him. “I can’t tell the difference.”
It feels like time starts to move slower when their eyes meet. Chan feels much happier than he’s supposed to. He takes in every little detail of Felix and, lenses or not, he’s always beautiful, his eyes full of warmth. Cheeks covered in freckles, even with some leftover make-up on. As Felix moves closer to the camera, arms around Chan’s shoulders again, their faces get closer to each other and Chan hopes that no one notices the way his breath catches in his throat as the scent of Felix’s shampoo fills his nose.
Their closeness makes his palms slightly sweaty. Felix’s constant moving around has his robe parting and he thanks his past self for having put on his boxers right after the shower. Otherwise, he would probably be blushing beet-red right now. The camera couldn’t see it but Felix for sure does.
“Okay, so, this is Channie’s mukbang so–“
Chan takes a chance to annoy him, mostly to distract himself and maybe make him stay a little longer. “I’m not gonna let you wash up.”
Felix makes a funny sound behind him, his right arm tightening around his shoulder while his left arm comes in, holding him in a tight hug. Chan knows that Felix is about to bite his neck to punish him. Felix’s breath fans over his neck and Chan feels his chest warming alongside with his lower stomach.
Shit, shit, shit! This is getting too far. This isn’t good.
He tries to laugh it off, squealing and ducking away, “I’m sorry! I’m sorry!”
Felix’s laugh fills the room as he moves away, leaning back, giving Chan space. They talk about their day here in Manila while Chan is screaming internally. His heart is beating faster, the feel of Felix so close to him still lingering on his skin.
A few minutes later, Felix indeed gets up to leave and this time, Chan lets him. He waves goodbye to the STAYs and gets up, quickly covering the camera with his hand to then wave again.
“You’re such a menace, you know that?” Chan grins, knowing Felix knows he means it in a teasing way.
As soon as Felix is out of view, Chan hears him swear. Endearing but swearing nonetheless.
“Wow, he did not just say that.” Felix winks at him with a smug smile on his face. “Oh, I hope you guys heard that! Oh, yeah that little... See now, there's a word that Australians love to say, but it's a very explicit word that we can't say.”
The blond blows him a kiss and disappears out of the door. Chan wishes he could follow him. Everything in him screams to follow him and restore the physical closeness he was already missing. But he couldn’t. He mustn’t. Instead, Chan pulls himself together and focuses on the stream again. His stomach is growling louder while he explains why his stream is early this week.
His eyes fly over the incoming comments and in between answering them, he takes bites of his burgers, rating them. Maybe ten minutes have passed when Felix wanders in again. He acts like he’s shoving his face with food - presumably burgers - making Chan giggle uncontrollably, almost spitting out some of the meat in his mouth.
Right then, he decided to pay Felix back as soon as the stream ends. He has one burger left and Chan doesn’t want STAY to feel like he’s rushing to an end, so maybe another ten to twenty minutes tops. Every now and then, Felix appears seemingly out of nowhere, pulling faces at Chan who does his best to ignore him and concentrate on the display in front of him.
Finally, the time has come. “It was such a short live, I only did it for 30 minutes! It's a shame! But I really have to go. I have to do a full live soon. I will hurry and find the timing and come back soon.” Felix makes kissy faces at him. He’s so going to regret that in just a matter of seconds. “Anyway STAY! I have to go. See you next time. Next week I will come back. Alright I have to hug you! Big hug! STAY! You worked hard this week!”
He gives the big hug he always gives, ends the livestream and his eyes immediately land on Felix. “Menace!”
The younger man half yelps, half laughs and runs out into the hallway, but Chan has always been the faster runner. He catches Felix after a few steps, wrapping his arms around his middle from behind, spinning them around to a stop. Even through the fabric of Felix’s sweater, Chan takes notice of the abs the younger man had been working on relentlessly for the past months.
In this moment, it hit Chan like a ton of bricks: Felix has grown up so much since that day he had first seen him at the JYP headquarters. Despite Felix’s shyness back then, his whole being had immediately brightened the room, his surprising deep voice having a calming effect on people around him. And Chan immediately knew that Felix would be a perfect member for Stray Kids.
Felix’s infectious laugh echoes through the otherwise empty hallway, bringing Chan out of his melancholic thoughts. He can’t help but join while cornering the blond against the wall.
“You think that was funny, huh?” He asks, trying his best to sound serious but is probably failing.
“You don’t think so?” Felix beams at him, his index fingers bumping against Chan’s naked chest repeatedly.
“You really are a menace, Yongbok.”
He doesn’t say it in an annoyed tone. Hell, Chan can’t even say why he used Felix’s second name, but it has Felix’s finger stop dead against his chest. They’re staring at each other now, and Chan is pretty sure Felix could feel his heartbeat against his fingertips. He really is no menace. Maybe he’s a little over the top at times, but never, not in a thousand years, would Chan get tired of it.
“So, whatcha gonna do about it, hyung?” Chan doesn’t miss the playful challenge in Felix’s brown eyes or the smug tone in his deep voice when he said “hyung”. Brotherly banter like this is normal with all the boys. But this time, something feels different. The glint in Felix’s intense eyes is something he hasn’t seen before. It sends lightning bolts down his body. He feels arousal spreading through his whole being. This isn’t good. That is not how this was supposed to go.
But Chan’s brain short-circuits, he feels hot and cold at the same time. He mutters, “I’m gonna shut you up.” At the same time, he picks the blond up, and, more or less, throws him over his shoulder. A high squeal escapes Felix, but he lets himself be carried back to the hotel room, laughing and continuously clapping Chan’s butt cheeks. Chan kicks the door closed with his foot in a smooth motion, walking them over to the bed and only then does Felix start to fight back, having them wrestling around, a laughing and panting mess.
Both of them know that Felix, athletic as he might be, doesn’t stand a chance against Chan. He has been training with Chinnie for quite a while now. Nonetheless, the small blond puts up a fight and almost manages to flip them over, before his head hits the pillow, his arms pinned next to it by Chan’s hands on his wrists.
Felix whispers, grinning, “Got me.”
“Got’cha,” Chan agrees, chuckling breathlessly.
Unexpectedly, Felix’s legs wrap around Chan’s middle, making his head swirl and his breath quicken even more. What is going on? All sirens in his head start going off while his head is lowering down, his nose brushing against Felix’s. Too close. Chan feels Felix’s warm breath fan over his lips. Way too close!
His tongue darts out to lick over his own lips. They suddenly feel dry. His heart is hammering against his ribcage, pulse rushing in his ears. This isn’t right. They shouldn’t be doing this. He shouldn’t be doing this. He has to protect Felix. From hurt but also from making mistakes. He must protect Felix at all costs, no matter how often he had dreamt of exactly this.
“Channie?” The blond murmurs, his half-lidded eyes out of focus due to their closeness.
“Lix,” Chan’s voice is barely more than a breath of air, the tip of his nose gracing the skin of Felix’s cheek, lips almost touching. Felix’s fingers brush through Chan’s hair, making him mirror the motion unconsciously with his right hand.
Felix’s hair is silky and soft, gliding through his fingers easily. Chan had stopped asking himself how this was possible, with all of the dyeing, a long time ago. He had accepted that it is what it is. Yet, it still surprises him every single time when he does ruffle his fingers through them.
“Don’t you want this?” Felix asks quietly. Of course he wants this. Felix’s index finger traces down Chan’s cheek as he adds. “ Because I do.”
It is a simple statement but it makes Chan’s breath hitch. Fuck control. Fuck reason. He couldn’t deny Felix.
Chan pulls back the slightest bit, earning instant protest from the younger man. But he needs to look at Felix’s face. Needs to see his eyes clearly. Needs to make sure this is really what he wants. That he wasn’t hallucinating. He cups the blond’s cheek in his right hand, thumb ever so slowly dragging over his full bottom lip. He watches Felix’s eyes fall closed, hot breath brushing over the tip of his thumb.
Chan leans down, replacing his thumb with his lips. Without a moment of hesitation, Felix kisses him back, arching his back to be closer. Chan’s hand moves back to Felix’ thigh, sliding down to cup his behind, helping him press their bodies together. They gasp in unison as their crotches meet and Felix’s hands disappear in Chan’s hair, pulling lightly. In return, Chan bites, then sucks at Felix’s upper lip, panting heavily, now.
It all feels like a dream. The kind of dream that Chan always pushes to the back of his head when he wakes up, breath quickened and heart pounding. They are like brothers. They shouldn’t be doing this, but he’s unable to stop. The man beneath him… everything about him is intoxicating. From the cute freckles covering his face to his mesmerising eyes and perfect, pouty, sensual lips.
These damned lips. Chan can’t stop devouring them. He couldn’t bear to let any space get between them. Felix’s fingers leave hot trails as they move out of his hair, down his neck and throat, quickly undoing the knot of his bathrobe. The cold air hitting his heated skin makes Chan shutter. A moan escapes him when Felix’s hands roam freely over his chest, snaking around to his back, pulling them flush.
“I like the way you shut me up,” Felix chuckles against Chan’s lips.
“I love the menace that you are,” Chan retorts and seals their lips together in a deep, slow-burning kiss.