Chapter Text
Penelope Garcia is not a profiler.
She does not envy the rest of team for their jobs. She is perfectly content in her room full of computer monitors, doing what she does best (and trust her, she is the best). But the thing is, you spend enough time with a team of profilers, you start to pick up on a few things.
Like knowing when someone is lying to you.
"Have you read any Kurt Vonnegut?"
If JJ didn't come in to Penelope's office at the same time every morning, the sudden noise might have scared the living hell out of Penelope. But the two of them have a routine, so JJ's voice behind her (and really, you would think that whoever designed offices for the FBI wouldn't put the door behind the desk, but she digresses), breaking up the monotony of the hum of her computer and the click-clack of her keyboard, thankfully does not spook Penelope. She's even rewarded for her bravery with a steaming cup of coffee that JJ places on the desk beside her.
"Of course," Penelope answers.
"So, if someone were to mention Kilgore Trout, then you would…" JJ starts.
"Know that they're referring to a science fiction author that appears in several Vonnegut novels?"
JJ sighs. "Great."
Penelope wraps up what she had been working on and switches her monitors to their screensavers, ten glowing FBI logos staring back at the two of them. She grabs the gifted coffee cup and spins her chair to face JJ, who is leaning against the wall and pointedly not looking at Penelope.
"What happened, Buttercup?"
JJ's eyes dart around the room, still avoiding Penelope like the plague, and this is when alarm bells start to ring in Penelope's head. She'll admit, JJ's dating life hasn't exactly been a hot topic of conversation for the two of them, but in the years they've known each other, Penelope has never seen her like this.
"I've been… going out with… this guy," JJ starts, uncrossing and recrossing her ankles as she speaks. Penelope's eyes light up.
"Jennifer Jareau has a new beau and you're only just now telling me about this?!" She admittedly says this quite loudly, so she can't fault JJ when her head quickly turns towards the door to see if anyone overheard. "Sorry," she says as JJ closes the door and rolls the other chair over to sit next to Penelope. "But… you're only telling me about this now?" This time at a much more conservative volume.
"I'm just… not even sure if it was a date," JJ admits. She's fiddling with her hands, her gaze locked on the motion on her lap, still steadily avoiding Penelope. Again, not a profiler, but Penelope can tell there's something going on in that beautiful blonde head of hers. She just can't tell if it's nerves or something else. "But if it was, then I made myself look like a complete idiot."
"Right, right, Kurt Vonnegut, Kilgore Trout," Penelope fills in, remembering how this conversation had started. "What happened?"
JJ doesn't answer immediately. Penelope can practically hear the gears turning in her head, can see the thoughts play out on her face as she decides whether or not to go on. Penelope does a silent cheer when JJ's shoulders drop minutely, knowing JJ is about to give in.
"We were talking about books, and… I mentioned that I read Empty Planet recently because Spence had gone on and on about it after that case…"
Penelope doesn't want to interrupt JJ, she wants to hear the hot goss as soon as possible, but she really can't help herself. "JJ, we haven't even reached the Kurt Vonnegut part of the story yet and you've already made a massive date faux pas."
JJ finally looks up and meets Penelope's eyes. "What?" she says incredulously.
"Talking about another guy while on a date with a different guy? Really, Jayje, this is like Dating 101 stuff here."
JJ honest to god laughs, and Penelope has absolutely no idea what about what she just said was funny.
"I don't think he minded. He kind of… knows Spence," JJ says carefully.
Penelope narrows her eyes. No offense to Boy Genius (Penelope makes a mental note to add that to her list of potential band names), but Spencer Reid isn't exactly known for his thriving social life. Whether or not JJ knows it, she's just drastically narrowed down the suspect pool. "Do I know this mystery guy, too?" Penelope asks.
JJ's eyes dart around again. The alarm bells in Penelope's head grow louder. "Can I get back to the story?" Penelope nods. JJ's avoidance is enough of an answer. "Anyways, I made a comment that I thought it was funny how Spence was reading books like Empty Planet when he was six, but he's never even heard of Twilight. And then… my date said 'you should ask him if he knows Kilgore Trout.' And I just stared at him like an idiot because I didn't even realize what he had just said was even a name."
"Oh, honey," is all Penelope can fit in before JJ continues with increasing fervor.
"And then after ten seconds of awkward silence I just said 'what?' So then he had to explain to me who Kilgore Trout is and it was so obvious that he was put off by the whole thing because the rest of the night was so awkward." JJ buries her face in her hands. The rest comes out muffled. "He probably thinks I'm illiterate and is never gonna speak to me again."
Penelope reaches forward to pull JJ's hands away from her face, taking her hands in hers. JJ looks up at her, her blue eyes glassy. "My sweet JJ. I highly doubt he was put off by that. Men love explaining things to women."
JJ lets out a chuckle. "Yeah, but Pen, it was so awkward afterward. I'm pretty sure I ruined something that hadn't even started yet."
"Did you consider that it was awkward because you were the one making it awkward and not him?"
JJ deflates. "No, I guess not." She leans back in the computer chair, letting her hands slide out of Penelope's. "We should probably go to the bullpen. We have a new case this morning."
"You know what you should do?" Penelope asks as they walk down the hallway towards the bullpen. "You should read Slaughterhouse Five and then make the most niche reference to it on your next date and see if he gets it."
JJ laughs, a real laugh and not one tinged with tears like the ones in her office. "If I can even get another date." Penelope would swat away that bad attitude if she wasn't averse to physical violence. "I might see if I can find a copy of it in the next few days, though. I'm clearly missing out on something."
It takes a lot of restraint on Penelope's part not to deduce who JJ's mystery man is in the same way she can narrow down a large pool of suspects to just one unsub. It isn't that she wants to dig into JJ's personal life. Just the opposite, really. The thought of turning over the stones of her coworkers lives fills Penelope with so much dread that it makes her want to cry.
But JJ is dangling a damn carrot right in front of her face. And Penelope's simple desire to know things is very hard to ignore.
But she does.
Sort of.
JJ had said the mystery man (Penelope decides she has to give him a name because "mystery man" is way too clunky and boring. Maybe… Kyle?), Kyle, knows Spencer. She had also (basically) confirmed that Penelope knows Kyle too. The Venn diagram of people Spencer knows and people Penelope knows is… admittedly pretty big. But it's contained. Kyle is either someone else who works at the FBI or someone they've worked with on a case. Both would explain JJ's apprehension for sharing Kyle's identity.
This is as far as Penelope lets herself go. While the team is away on their next case, she doesn't do any searches of FBI personnel or the local teams that worked on their cases over the last few months. She doesn't text JJ to prod her for more details about Kyle. She just waits.
And you know what they say about those who wait.
Another day at the BAU, another gifted cup of coffee from her favorite media liaison.
(Okay, Penelope doesn't know any other media liaisons. But if she did, JJ would always be her favorite one.)
"Uh uh uh, not so fast sweet cheeks," Penelope says as JJ attempts to make a swift exit after dropping off the coffee. She spins her chair to see JJ frozen in the doorway. "Any updates on our Kilgore Trout saga?"
JJ's shoulders sink and she closes the office door. Penelope makes a mental tally in favor of Kyle being a fellow FBI agent. Why the secrecy, hmm?
"We… talked," JJ says slowly. It's like pulling teeth with this one.
"And?" Penelope prods.
"And… it turns out he was just as mortified about Kilgore Trout as I was. He thought he exposed himself as a geek and that I wasn't interested anymore." The slight pink creeping up JJ's cheeks and the upturn at the corners of her mouth are enough to answer the question on Penelope's tongue, but she asks it anyways.
"And are you? Still interested?" JJ's blush deepens. Penelope beams.
"I mean… yeah."
"So you're gonna go out again?"
"We kind of already did?"
The squeal that erupts from Penelope's throat comes out without her permission, but really there was no other way for her to react to such great news. It takes a lot of effort for her to approach the conversation with a gentle hand so as not to spook JJ, but she's able to glean the basic details before Hotch knocks on the door to request JJ's presence in the bullpen.
Penelope has no idea why JJ chose to tell her, the well-known worst secret-keeper in the BAU, about Kyle. But no matter what JJ's reasoning was, Penelope is now dealing with the both the benefits and the consequences. Every time she's on the phone with Derek while the team is in Houston, she's dying to tell him all about Kyle. She covers that desire with jokes about chaps and photoshop, but Kyle is always lurking at the tip of her tongue.
She wants to tell Derek that JJ bought a copy of Slaughterhouse Five during their last case and read it on the plane ride home. She wants to tell him that when they got back to DC, JJ called Kyle to explain her side of the Kilgore Trout incident (which of course Penelope would have told Derek all about by this point), and they ended up going out for drinks and talking about Slaughterhouse Five all night. She wants to tell him that she had been about to ask if JJ and Kyle did anything else that night when Hotch, the cockblocker that he was, interrupted them.
But she does none of that. Her self-restraint really should be studied.
And when the team gets back from Houston, she watches them all spill out of the elevator, and she's reminded that she and JJ are not the sole women on the team anymore. And they are long past due for a girls night.