Work Text:
EPISODE 2 OF PODCAST CIGARETTES AND MUSINGS NOW PLAYING:
Music intro fades out as a voice fades in:
Cancerman: Hello and welcome back to another episode of my podcast Cigarettes and Musings. For those of you who are new here, that’s too bad. I’m not going to explain who I am again all over again. To answer your questions from last week: Yes, I do have lung cancer. No, I don’t plan on doing anything about it and no, I am not at liberty to discuss whether or not I had anything to do with the disappearance of Samantha Mulder. What happened to her was a traffic thing but I would assume whoever they were had their reasons for doing it. On to todays episode- Oh, we have our very first caller already. It’s my son, Fox-
Cancerman puts the phone on speaker.
Cancerman: Hello, Fox-
He’s interrupted by screaming.
Mulder: I’M GOING TO KILL YOU, YOU BLACK LUNG SON OF A BITCH!
Cancerman immediately hangs up the phone as he lights another cigarette.
Cancerman: Today we have a very special guest with us. It’s billionaire Donald Trump
There is no applause whatsoever but Trump comes onto the scene acting as if there were an applause. He takes a seat in a chair next to Cancerman.
Trump: Thank you! Thank you! Quite frankly, I truly love this podcast. This is the best podcast. There are some podcasts like this but this is truly the best podcast. Great American craftsmanship. Nobody does podcasts better than me. They do some podcasts over in CHINA but nothing beats an American podcast. This is truly the best podcast.
Cancerman: Mr. Trump, thank you for coming on board today. May I comment, you’re looking more orange today
Trump: Why yes I just started this new skincare routine. Great American skincare routine. Nobody does skincare better than me. I rubbed an orange on my face, and then some hair dye and followed it out by taking a nap in my tanning bed. It’s a great tanning bed. There are some other tanning beds like it but nothing is better than this tanning bed. It was imported from CHINA but American’s reclaimed it. Nobody does tanning beds better than America.
Cancerman: That’s interesting to hear Mr. Trump and I’m sure our fans enjoyed it. I brought you here today though because there are rumours circulating around that you have been in contact with extraterrestrials.
Trump: Ah yes the aliens. I love the aliens. Great guys. Love the game. We chatted with the aliens and they’re very open to their planet becoming America’s 51st state. We’re gonna build a space railway. Quite frankly it’s going to be the best space railway. I’ve seen it in action. American’s will love it. I love space railways. Do you love space railways, Carl? It’s going to do great big things. The aliens are going to love being American citizens. They’re going to love using Fahrenheit and speaking the American language. None of that iglo gobbly bobbly bipidy stuff they speak. Nobody does language better than the Americans. American is the best language. Don’t you agree with me, Carl?
Cancerman: This is very interesting to here. Do you have any plans or insights for when you’re planning this invasion?
Trump: I have concepts of a plan. I haven’t invaded yet.
Cancerman: Well I hope you plan on keeping me informed. Well it looks like we have another caller coming in. This time it’s from Assistant Director Skinner of the FBI.
Cancerman puts the phone on speaker.
Cancerman: Hello, Mr. Skinner-
He’s interrupted by screaming.
Skinner: NOW YOU LISTEN HERE YOU SON OF A BITCH-
Cancerman immediately hangs up the phone as Jeffery Spender walks in the room.
Spender: Dad! What’s going on? You promised you would drop me off at Fowly’s house!
Trump: Oh now who’s this little fella?
Cancerman: Mr. Trump, this is my son Jeffrey. Jeffrey, why don’t you have a seat and join us?
Spender: Dad, I told you. I don’t want any part of your stupid podcast. I hate podcasts and I hate aliens and I hate you!
Trump: Little fella, I can sense that you hate your dad, but let me tell you something. Your dad is a great man. There are a lot of other men like him but nobody is as great a man as your dad. Carl is a great man. Great American. Loves the game. Let me tell you, he’s doing some great work with the aliens. The aliens love him. Nobody does abductions better than Carl. America has the highest abduction numbers because nobody does abductions better than Americans. He’s a great man. He’s way better than my ex, Elon Musk, I tell you. Elon Musk, great cars, not a great man, didn’t love the game. I would deport him to PUERTO RICO if I could but unfortunately he’s an American. Let me tell you I don’t claim him as an American because I am only talking about myself here.
Spender: That’s it! I’m moving to Canada!
Spender storms out of the room.
Cancerman: Well it looks like this is all the time we have for today. Thank you again for coming on here, Mr. Trump
Trump: Thank you for having me, Carl. I meant every word I said. Great job. Great podcast. Our numbers are going to go up 500% here. It’s going to be so great.
Cancerman: Before we go, it looks like we have one more caller. It’s again from my son Fox. I hope he’s in a better mood this time.
Cancerman puts the phone on speaker.
Cancerman: Hello there, Fox-
Again, he’s interrupted by screaming:
Mulder: I’M GOING TO KILL YOU!
Cancerman immedietly hangs up the phone.
Cancerman: Please join me in my next episode as we discuss more about the involvement with the aliens. And if anyone has any contact with my son, Fox or his friend Dana Scully, please bring them to me. Until next time. Your’s truly, Cancerman.