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This is the story of how I loved you
It’s raw and honest and above all true
Tears cloud my vision as I manically write
The pain, too much, too sore to fight.
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First, we weren’t friends, you hated me
I was bitter and angry and cold as can be
I thought you a fool, for your laughter no less
Jealous of your freedom, I must confess
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I cannot tell you when exactly it was
I couldn’t help myself simply because
You drove me insane, made me feel again
How wondrous it was to laugh through the pain.
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I know I am broken, I know I am bad
I know I am damaged and borderline mad
I can’t sleep, terrors do frighten me
And grieving and angry is all I can be
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One day I remember you called me sour
I brooded and scowled and refused to cower
I couldn’t tell you how it had hurt
I chose to deny how my heart jumped, alert.
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And so for weeks we went back and forth
This monster of mine unsure of the source
You left me open, vulnerable to harm
And so I bit back with my bitter charm
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Suddenly came the day where I fell in love
A revelation, a hit, struck from above
My eyes cleared and god, only you
Your smile was private, soft like you knew
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We got closer then, sharing the air
Your eyes shone brighter than what could be fair
I closed my eyes and whispered “I love you”
You took my hand and let out “Me too”
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God, if you only knew the relief
A feeling so strong, it made me weak
If you only knew how you made me feel
A whisper of your lips, a promise seal
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It was with tentative touches that I did explore
The pale of your skin, the small gasps for more
I looked in your eyes as I kissed your lips
And in that moment the feelings did click
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Of course it would end, I somehow knew
I deluded myself, thinking we’d pull through
I loved you more than I could bear
But hurt you? No, I couldn’t dare
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I fought the feeling with all I could
When you begged me to stay, I tensed and stood
You needed me open, you begged for some light
And I closed my eyes, all darkness in spite
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Slowly and surely you became drained
And I knew and believed I was to blame
You tried, I know, to save me and love
But it twisted and died when I gave it a shove
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Yet through the shit that I put you through
You held my hand tight and the anger withdrew
“I’m sorry” I said as I weep in your neck
“Don’t worry” you reply, your voice a wreck
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Surely, surely, we could now smile
Together, without the pain of denial
But how my hounds did chase me down
Remind me my past until I did frown
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I cannot stress I sorry I am
It is nothing but a tinkers damn
But I have to say it just once more
I’m sorry, so sorry, for my rotten core
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I broke your heart, with untimely ease
I destroyed absently, ignoring your pleas
“This isn’t you Derek.” I heard you cry
“I don’t love you.” I said, voicing the lie
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Then we went back, to the pain of before
And god how it seems that life is a chore
I couldn’t accept that I thought wrong
That you were my saviour all along
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So I let myself rot, without your body next to mine
I slipped into darkness, willingly resigned
God how I love you, strong and so loud
To never hurt you is was I had vowed
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I’m sorry I’m telling you all of this
I should go back, and I should resist
But I need you to know just what you are
A saviour, a saint, my one lonesome star
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This is the story of how I loved you
A love that blossomed and surely grew
Until I poisoned it with my dark pain
It lay on the ground, by my hand slain
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You were my sun, you were my moon
You were the melody to my sad tune
I sob for your pain and as if on cue
I said “I love you.”
You said, “Me too.”