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There's a place I go
when I'm alone
Do anything I want,
be anyone I wanna be
But it is us I see
And I cannot believe I'm falling - Dream Catch Me, Newton Faulkner
The hall of souls is a place of miracles. The guardians of the hall are gods in their own right; they have the power to place a soul wherever and whenever they see fit. Time and space have no meaning for them. Everything that has ever been exists as a single point of reference, ready for them to access. They take their jobs seriously, but perform them with grace and compassion. Each soul is a precious jewel to them, to be honored and revered.
Each soul resides in the hall, waiting for its turn to fulfill its own destiny. Every soul has its own unique place in the never‑ending stream of consciousness, its own mission to complete in order to uphold the balance of life. The guardians know the importance of keeping the universe in balance. Without balance, existence ceases to be.
A soul is placed into a life that has the best chance of fulfilling its purpose. Sometimes even the best visualized plans fail, and a soul must be returned to the hall to await another chance to experience the consummation of its destiny.
When a soul is returned to the hall, the universe contracts in misery. The world sees this as another war, another famine, another catastrophe. Only those in the hall know the truth. The returning souls feel the longing to reach their preordained goal grow tenfold, while the guardians try to comfort them through their misery.
Souls find their one true equal while in the hall, and the guardians rejoice in the joy of the union. Rarely does a soul realize a relationship with this perfect match while in their corporeal state, but on a few select occasions this union is the very destiny of the souls. When souls that are mated in the great hall are united on earth, the entire universe breathes easier. The tensions of the world are eased, if only for a short while, and disasters are averted.
The guardians hold these souls gently while they are in the hall, for they know that the lovers' path will not be an easy one. For such a great reward to be earned with their union, a great price must be paid. The guardians know that the sacrifices demanded of the lovers’ souls will be heavy. One such pair of kindred souls is about to be dispersed to the earthly plane.
A fountain of God
See you as a descant soul
in the setting sun - Dream Catch Me, Newton Faulkner
In the Beginning
The caves are cold this season, and no one can reason why. They still hunt daily, but game is becoming scarce. The whole of the tribe will die out if they can’t find enough food for the winter. Tempers run short, and there’s a sense of urgency in each member. Communication is primarily through gestures, and these frequently turn into blows as their situation becomes more dire.
Snow has begun falling, harder each time. The skins they wear only serve to protect for a short while when they venture out of the caves, but the men have to hunt, and the women have to gather wood for the fire, so all take their turn braving the unforgiving elements.
Periodically one of their group fails to return. They all know what the meaning behind this is, even without the language to express it. Grief stricken wailing can be heard from whomever has been left behind by the missing member, and the tribe has to try and fill the spot left vacant by the one who did not return.
The two boys sit side by side as the elders ponder which one is to fill the latest vacancy. They haven’t reached manhood yet, but the tribe is desperate. Blue eyes lock with brown as their fingers intertwine in a silent hope that they will not be separated. They have grown close in their time of youth, and wish nothing more than to remain together.
But the elders select the larger of the two to join the hunting party, and the blue eyed boy is presented with a hunting spear, while the boy with the brown eyes retreats to the furthest reaches of the cave, so that none would see his emotions on his face.
The blue eyed boy can feel his friend’s discomfort, though, and seeks the other boy out. Standing face to face, they stare into each other’s souls as they silently say all that their limited words will not allow them to express.
The leader of the hunting party motions the group to leave, and there is only time for a quick embrace between the boys. The skies are darkening with the approach of another snow, and the feeling of desperation drives the hunters to quicken their pace. Those left behind in the cave try to keep the fire to a minimum in order to preserve what they can.
The snow starts soon after the hunters leave, slowly at first, but quickly picking up force. By midday the skies are as black as any night, and the wind howls at the opening of the cave. The brown eyed boy keeps a vigil at the cave opening despite the shivers the wind sends through him. He can see no further than his outstretched arm, yet he continues to watch for his friend.
Night falls without the hunters' return, yet the boy with the brown eyes keeps his place at the mouth of the cave. The warmth of the fire within the cave is just enough to encourage the growth of ice daggers that try to block the opening. The boy breaks them down until his fingers are too numb to obey his will, and still he waits and watches.
The hunters fail to return to the cave, which is eventually sealed in an icy barrier, but the boy doesn’t realize this. Slumber claims his shivering body, and as he sleeps, he’s comforted by the warmth of the blue eyes that join him in his dreams.
I'm walking too far ahead
you're calling to me, I can't hear
what you've said - Time After Time, Cyndi Lauper
Time After Time
The guardians gently gather the lovers' souls, and bring them back to the warmth of the great hall. They do what they can to comfort the lovers, but they know their ministrations will have little effect on helping the two overcome their grief.
The guardians watch and learn, though, as the two lovers merge and entwine, seeking the comfort of their union that they were denied in the life they’d just left. Each soul cries their misery to the other in an explosion of color and emotion so beautiful that it takes the breath from the very depths of the guardians’ beings.
The guardians know that care will have to be taken with these two souls, for their love for each other is great.
The guardians watch as the lovers slowly bring solace to each other. Their gentle consolation can’t be rushed; it must be given time to properly develop, or the lovers’ souls will carry scars that will preclude success in any future attempts to satisfy destiny.
The energy of the electric blue restores the flagging brown, while the warmth of the brown nurtures the blue. These two souls complement and complete each other more than any other pair of kindreds that have passed through the hall.
The guardians watch and wait as the two souls carefully put each other back together, nurturing each other’s wounded spirits. Time continues to march on the earthly plane, but, in the hall, all is still and quiet as the lovers work at completing each other.
When both souls are healed, the guardians look for the next best chance for the lovers to fulfil their destiny. The souls are placed in close proximity to each other, but the fates interrupt their union with a sudden move. The separation causes the earth itself to try and correct the imbalance as plates shift, trying to bring the lovers’ souls back together.
The guardians choose lives that will intersect in the future, but the lovers find themselves meeting on a battlefield, fighting for opposite sides of a cause neither believes in. Their unwillingness to harm each other serves to escalate the tensions of the moment and battles become wars as the two souls are once again returned to the hall.
Sometimes the guardians misjudge, and their contact is brief ‑‑ eyes that only catch a glimpse of a familiar shade in passing, a doctor trying desperately to save a patient that has no hope of survival, a stranger passing too quickly on the street to stop and investigate, one set of eyes in a sea of crowded faces that will not part to allow communion.
Other times the contact is lifelong, but one or both of the lovers is not fully healed, and fear keeps them from recognizing and consummating their destiny. The pain of recovery grows with each missed opportunity, but the guardians keep searching for the perfect time, the perfect place, the perfect lifetime, knowing all the while that each misstep leaves small fractures and tiny scars in the lovers’ souls.
There may be an infinite number of possible placements open to the guardians, but they know the delicate nature of the lovers’ souls will come undone if they face unrequited destiny too many times. If the lovers’ souls are too damaged, balance will never be attained, the world will never see the benefit of their love, and disasters of ever escalating levels will occur.
When placements fail, and the souls return to the hall over and over, the world sees floods and famines, quakes and eruptions, wars that cover the world. The guardians know that time is running out, so they choose the next placement carefully.
And i hope you find your way and i hope your futures bright,
But i am the way this feels inside,
But all i wanna do is make it to the other side - Feels Like Home, Newton Faulkner
Bleeding Kansas, May, 1858
The emotions at the meetings have been at the boiling point for a while now. The attendance has been increasing for each successive gathering. Tommy wishes that he’d been called on to say his piece before now, but tonight’s the night he’s been assigned to have his say.
He doesn’t think that a simple story of the hardships of farming will sway anyone, but he agreed to do this, and he’s a man of his word. He just wishes that there weren’t so damn many people here. He’s never been entirely comfortable being the center of attention. How in blazes is he supposed to deliver a speech in front of this many strangers?
When he looks over the crowd that’s assembled, he feels his mouth go dry and his knees go weak. There have to be more people gathered here tonight than live within fifty miles of Topeka. His quiet territory has become a hotbed for the conflict the nation as a whole is dealing with, and all the attention seems to have brought an influx of strangers to his safe little part of the world.
While his friends and neighbors take turns telling their stories with either a pro or anti slavery bent, Tommy studies the faces of the strangers he sees. His eyes drift past each in turn, trying to decide where their sympathies may lie. He’s sorted almost everyone into neat little groups when his eyes land on a tall man at the back of the room. Tommy’s never seen him before, he’s sure of that. The newcomer is holding a notebook and pencil, and is taking notes on all the speeches. He’s never seen anyone dressed quite like this man, that’s for damn certain. Here in Kansas, Sunday best is dungarees without holes and a clean shirt.
But it’s not the fact that Tommy’s never seen him before that grabs his attention; strange faces are common now with all the debate over the new territory. And it’s not what the man is doing, either. Tommy’s seen reporters from local papers at these gatherings before. He can even get past the strange clothes, impractical as they may be.
What does make Tommy stop and pay attention to this man is something Tommy sees in the stranger’s eyes. There’s something so familiar in the blue depths of those eyes. They seem to draw Tommy in, to make promises of home and happiness. He’s never felt this way before, and it confuses him. He tries to listen to the speeches being made and the questions and debates that follow, but his attention keeps wandering back to the blue eyed stranger. Each time Tommy looks at him, he loses himself in almost remembered feelings and emotions.
Tommy has to be prompted twice when it’s his turn to tell his story. He’s spent the last ten minutes lost in thoughts of epic battles in strange lands, and quiet, lonely times spent contemplating destinies unfulfilled, and through it all, there are those welcoming blue eyes.
As he stands and makes his way to the podium, Tommy sees the stranger’s eyes tracking his movements. The man wears a look of confusion similar to Tommy’s, but there’s more there. There’s a look of recognition, a look of satisfaction.
Tommy tries his best to be at ease in front of the gathering, but it’s no use. He’s a private person, and he can feel the eyes of the entire gathering on him as he begins talking. “I, um...That is to say...” And every word that he’s prepared flies out of his mind. He has no idea what he’s supposed to say or what he’s doing here. Why did he ever think that his words and thoughts on slavery would ever be important enough to share with a gathering like this?
Just as he’s about to give up and admit defeat, his eyes once again find that new face at the back of the crowd. He can feel when their eyes lock; his own brown finding comfort in the welcoming blue. Even though Tommy knows they’ve never met, those blue eyes feel like home. Tommy feels safe and untouchable as he loses himself in the comfort they offer him. No one can touch him; no one can hurt him as long as he stays focused on them.
But more than anything, he feels empowered by the strength he sees there. Those eyes encourage the words to come together in his mind. As Tommy feels the blue surrounding him, washing over him, he begins his speech, knowing that he has the undivided attention of the stranger behind those blue eyes, and that’s all that matters to him.
Tommy doesn’t go back to his prepared speech, but talks from his heart, opening up to this crowd of friends, neighbors and strangers in ways he never could before. He talks of growing up in poverty so deep that he never had room to feel superior to anyone. He tells of neighbors helping neighbors without thought of color or social standing. He tries to take them inside his youth spent working from sunup to sundown just to try and convince the land to give up enough to make it through the winter, and how it wouldn't have been possible without the help of everyone, black or white. And he remembers his father for them; lets them know how proud he is of the man who raised him, the man who taught him that anyone who was willing to work hard was a good person. Anyone who wasn’t afraid to commit to making this country livable was someone to be admired.
Tommy has to excuse himself then, because talk of his father always chokes him up a little. He really doesn't talk often of the man, but his father is never far from his heart or thoughts. He tries to hurry out of the meeting before anyone has a chance to notice, but he finds the blue‑eyed stranger waiting for him just outside the door.
"Pardon me, but my name’s Adam Lambert. I'm a reporter from the New York Post, and I'd like to have a few words with you, if you don't mind,” Adam starts, putting a hand on Tommy’s shoulder. Tommy would retreat from contact such as this from a stranger under any other circumstances, but something about this man demands connection between them. “The paper sent me out here to get some local flavor for all the stories that have been coming out of the territories. That story you just told...I don't think there was a man here who wasn't moved by your words by the time you finished."
Tommy really doesn't believe what this stranger is saying, but he's been raised to be polite, so he extends his hand in greeting and says, "Tommy Joe Ratliff. Pleased to meet you. But I think you're mistaken about the reaction back there. They were probably just tryin' to wait till I was outta the room to start talkin' about how little I added to the fight, one way or the other."
"I think you may be underestimating yourself, which, while cute as all hell, isn't always a good idea," Adam tells him as he looks into Tommy's eyes with an intensity that would normally leave Tommy feeling uncomfortable and stuttering to find words, but for some reason, Tommy doesn't feel the need to look away, to avert his eyes. He meets Adam's gaze with a surety he's never felt before. This man, this Adam, radiates confidence like Tommy's never felt before, and Tommy feels emboldened by it. Whatever self‑possession Adam has, he seems willing to share it with Tommy, and Tommy feels comfortable taking it from him.
Smiling for the first time since his nerves tried to turn his legs into boneless jelly over the thought of talking in front of the gathering, Tommy says, "I'm just a dirt farmer, trying to make an honest living. Those people in there, they don't pay no mind to what I have to say. I'm not rich enough or powerful enough to carry any weight around here, but I promised to say my piece, and now I've done that. But I do appreciate your words. Now, if you don't mind, I'll be going. I have to be up early tomorrow. I promised to help a friend break ground for a new field, and it's quite a piece away from here. I'm gonna be traveling all day tomorrow and part of the next, as it is."
"So why can't I come with you?" Adam asks. "I can interview you on the way and help you help your friend when we get there."
Tommy lets out a little laugh as he looks Adam up and down. "You don't exactly look like you're cut out for farming, not that that‘s a bad thing."
"What?" Adam asks. "I've got boots on," he says pointing to the most unserviceable footwear that Tommy's ever seen. "I have a hat," is accompanied by Adam tilting his head in Tommy's direction so Tommy can see the bowler atop Adam's head, jaunty feather tucked into the brim. "I even have my own pistol, just in case we need protection." Adam shows Tommy the tiny derringer with a jeweled grip that might just stop a good sized rat if the shooter happened to be close enough to it when he fired.
"I appreciate your attention to detail, but I don't think you'd be very comfortable on this trip," Tommy informs him with a half smile, and Tommy's mood is lifted even more when he sees Adam return the smile. "I'm taking the mules and the wagon, but it's gonna be foot travel for most of the way. Gotta keep the mules as fresh as possible, so's they can work when we get there. If you managed to walk a mile in those boots, I'd eat that pretty little toy gun of yours."
"Now, don't go making fun of my gun. It took me forever to find one that didn't scream killing machine. This one is designed to make people think twice before they start anything. Even a little bullet hole would be a nuisance, and I would rather make someone decide I wasn't worth the trouble of killing than have to kill someone myself."
"I'll be sure and tell any cougars we run into about the thinking twice part, but I don't think they even stop to think once before they attack. They just act on instinct. But they might just be distracted by the sun glaring off all those doodads on the handle to give you enough time to say a quick prayer before they get to you." Tommy winks at Adam and ducks his head, trying to hide the laugh he feels coming on.
"...any cougars we run into...Does that mean you're letting me come with you?" Adam asks with the most genuine smile Tommy's ever seen. There's something about this man that breaks down all Tommy's barriers, and Tommy's sure he could pinpoint what it is if he had a second alone to put his thoughts in order.
But he's not alone, and Adam's open, expectant smile seems like it would be a nice sight on the dusty trek ahead of him, so he finds himself saying, "How could I say no when you spent so much time preparing for the wilderness?" He knows he’s probably going to regret it later, but seeing the excitement in Adam’s eyes makes it seem like the right thing to do.
While he's hitching the mules to the wagon, Tommy's relieved to see Adam making his way towards him. His new traveling companion may be on time, but it doesn't look as if Adam is any better prepared than he was the night before. If anything, the sleepy appearance tells Tommy that it's going to be hard to make decent time with his companion dragging all the way.
But it's Adams words that surprise Tommy. "What's the matter? Didn't you get a good night's sleep? You're looking kinda rough this morning."
"I could say the same about you, my friend, but I'm just too nice for that, I guess," Tommy answers. "Are you gonna be able to keep up today, because I really want to cover most of the road before sundown."
"Don't worry about me. I'll be fine as soon as the sun comes up. Do you know where I could get a cup of tea?" And the look on Adam's face lets Tommy know that he's serious.
"Don't know about any tea," Tommy tells him, "but I could probably find you a cup of what passes for coffee around here. It's mostly chicory, but if your stomach can handle it, it'll serve to open your eyes."
"I guess that'd help with the local flavor part of the article," Adam says with a grimace. "I'll be fine, though. I really don't want an upset stomach while we're traveling. You do have water in the wagon, don't you? Or should I have brought some of my own? What about food? I didn't even think to bring anything to eat."
"Yes, I have water. We'll be stopping at sunset, and we'll find something to eat then. How good are you at cooking squirrel?" Tommy has provisions for the trip packed, but he can't help teasing Adam. Something about watching the man try and look like he's comfortable with the rough life makes Tommy happy. He's not mocking his new friend, he's just trying to push Adam past courtesy and into honesty.
It seems as if he's found Adam's breaking point when the reporter blanches and replies, "You're not serious, are you? Please tell me this is some kind of rustic joke.” Shaking his head as he looks at the ground, Adam continues, "Because I don't think I can actually do that. Maybe we can find some berries or nuts or something instead."
Tommy finishes readying the wagon, and Adam follows him, asking questions as he goes. Small, inconsequential bits of information are given with each answer, and Tommy really doesn't see how Adam will have enough to write a story, but he's not planning on volunteering anything personal.
When Adam asks about life in the wilderness, Tommy laughs. He's always thought that his life has been spent on the outskirts of civilization, but he's never considered it a wilderness. Wilderness is where you have no one to rely on but yourself, Tommy reasons. You live or die according to your own cleverness. Tommy's never been open to sharing his life with large groups of people, that's not who he is, but he's never been able to be by himself, either. He needs some contact, some sharing with others.
He knows he's not the most eloquent person at expressing his thoughts, but somehow he knows that Adam understands, maybe even understands better than Tommy does himself.
Adam asks about entertainment, and Tommy has to stop and think. He tells Adam that simply living takes up most of his time, there's not much left over for trying to entertain himself. When he does have a quiet minute, he admits that he usually spends it reading or making music. This gets Adam's attention, and the next question is what instruments Tommy plays.
Tommy points to the harmonica in his breast pocket, and tells Adam that he had to leave his guitar at home; there just wasn't any call to bring it with, and there wasn't room for it, in any case. Adam seems to unconsciously sympathize with Tommy's disappointment over not having it, and this surprises Tommy. No one else has ever been able to truly appreciate how important music is to life. How it can let him share his life in ways that words never could. He's always been a man of few words, but when he plays, he feels like his whole life is laid bare, open for everyone to see and share.
But everything has been checked and rechecked by this point, and Tommy feels like he's talked more in the last fifteen minutes than he has in the rest of his life put together, so he tells Adam that it's time to piss or get off the pot. He asks Adam if he's sure he really wants to make this trip. He reminds Adam that there won't be a nice room to sleep in, or a fancy dining hall to eat in. If Adam wants to come with him, it's going to mean walking until sundown, sleeping in the open, and waking at dawn to start again.
Tommy tells him that when they do arrive at his friend's farm, they'll have to start right in on clearing the field. They'll work till sundown and then spend the night in a barn. It won't smell nice, Tommy warns, but it'll be warmer than sleeping outside. They should have the field finished sometime the second day, Tommy figures, and then they have to start the trip back. Even in the best of circumstances, Tommy tells Adam, it's going to be five days before they make it back; it could even be a week.
Adam still wants to accompany him, so Tommy puts Adam's satchel in the back of the wagon, and they start on their way. While the sun is still young in the sky, they both enjoy the brisk temperature that encourages walking. Even the mules seem energetic. They make good time for the first hour, but Tommy knows it won't last long.
They talk of many things as they walk, and Tommy learns something of Adam's life. He learns that Adam has never been outside of New York before. According to Adam there's no use in looking for anything that doesn't exist in the city. Tommy can sense that Adam might think what he's saying is the best truth he can touch, but, somewhere underneath, Adam felt the draw to come west, just as Tommy had.
When Tommy quietly questions him about this, Adam tells him that it was just part of the job, an assignment he couldn't refuse. Adam has no good reason as to why he couldn't refuse it, though, only that he felt it was the right thing to do, the right choice at the right time.
As the sun nears its zenith, both men stop to take off their overcoats. Looking at the state of his traveling companion, Tommy decides a little rest might be in order. He knows there's a small brook not far ahead, and he tells Adam that when they reach it, it would be a good time to water and feed the mules. The look of relief on Adam's face makes Tommy grin in a lopsided way that Adam echoes.
When they reach the brook, Tommy notices that it's higher than he's ever seen it before. He stores the information for later. He has more pressing matters to attend to. He's noticed a slight limp that Adam developed about half a mile ago. Having his friend go lame would be almost as bad as having one of the mules turn up lame. If Adam has to ride in the wagon, the mules would be too worn to work when they arrive.
After Tommy takes the team to the water to let them drink, he turns to Adam and says, "Take off your boots."
Adam smirks as he replies, "Why, Tommy Joe, if that's the start of a come‑on line, it's not a very good one."
Tommy rolls his eyes before he says, "You've been limping. We need to take care of your feet before you get blisters. I don't know why you thought those fancy boots would be serviceable for real walking, but if they rub you raw, you'll be more of a burden than a help."
"Shame that my feet are the only thing being rubbed, raw or otherwise," Adam replies, but he takes his boots off just the same. Adam's a little shocked when Tommy comes over to look at his feet. The way Tommy holds first one foot and then the other as he checks them carefully seems almost intimate. There’s something about it that Adam knows he would be put off by if it were anyone else, but this new friend, this almost stranger, seems to fill a void in his life that he’s never known existed.
“Looks like we caught it just in time,” Tommy says as he rubs over the chafed skin. “You haven’t managed to raise any good blisters yet. I have some salve in the wagon that should help. Sit still while I go and get it.”
After finding the small bag of medical supplies, Tommy returns, and Adam absolutely expects to be handed the tub of salve to apply to his feet himself. Instead, he’s taken aback when Tommy kneels in front of him and starts applying the balm with his own hands. “I can do that. I can take care of myself, you know,” Adam says, even though there’s no way in hell he wants to give up this somehow familiar contact. His mind flashes back to half remembered feelings of this man giving him comfort whenever he was able, and Adam knows with a certainty that he could never explain that even while the memories could never be real, they most certainly are.
Adam searches Tommy’s eyes to see if there might be some sharing of this strange feeling there, and, for a moment that lives outside of time itself, he sees all that heaven is meant to be reflected in those brown eyes. When his gaze meets Tommy’s, he feels fulfilled in ways that he would never have imagined possible. He’s rushing headlong through emotions that threaten to overwhelm him. He feels the pull of fate guiding him to this perfect time and place, to this perfect man sitting right in front of him, and it’s too much, too soon.
Tommy feels the growing intensity too, and breaks the contact between them as he gently sets Adam’s foot down and says, “See, that’s the problem. First thing I thought when I saw those fancy boots of yours was that there was no way you’d be able to handle a trek this long in them. I knew you didn’t know shit about what you were getting yourself into, but I let you come anyway. Can’t explain why I did it, except to maybe show that no matter how well prepared you thought you were, you still need someone...that you still need me, maybe. And right now, I’m feeling kinda bad about not stopping you before we started, but I guess I wanted you with me.”
Tommy ducks his head before he continues, and Adam instantly misses the eye contact. “I’d feel a might bit worse if you ended up with an infection because I didn’t take care of things soon enough.”
Adam tries to deal with the loss of physical and spiritual contact that they’d had only a moment before. He’s never had anything hit him as hard before, and he has no way to sort it out in his mind, no frame of reference to give it perspective. This disordered confusion of his thoughts manifests as anger as he asks, “So what the hell am I supposed to do now? I can’t wear my boots, and I sure as shit can’t go barefoot.”
“And you’re damn sure not gonna ride in the wagon and tire out the mules,” Tommy answers with just as much emphasis and volume. “But I might just have a solution, if you’ll shut up and listen.”
Tommy walks back to the wagon and pulls out a blanket that instantly grabs Adam’s attention. Native goods sell for good money in New York. He’s learned to tell the real thing from a cheap knock off, and he can tell from the blue, brown and terra cotta geometrics that this is authentic.
He doesn’t even wait for Tommy to walk back to him before he says, “Nice, but I don’t see how a pretty blanket’s gonna solve my problem.”
“The blanket isn’t what I meant,” Tommy tells him. “That’s for Eva.” For some reason, Adam feels his stomach drop all the way to his knees. Maybe the idea of Tommy packing a gift for a woman shouldn’t be hard to accept, and normally Adam would never make assumptions about someone he’s just met, but he’d been so sure that he and Tommy were some kind of kindred spirits that there was no room for this new development in his mind.
“Here’s what I had in mind for you,” Tommy tells him as he pulls a pair of moccasins from the blanket. “I was gonna give them to my friend John; he’s the man we’re on our way to help. I think having a team of mules fresh enough to pull stumps would be more appreciated than a native trinket, though.”
And even if Adam’s disappointed over finding out about Tommy’s lady friend, he can’t help but admire the knee‑high, fringed and beaded footwear. Tommy helps him put them on, and Adam can’t believe how they feel. The supple skins encase his sore feet in clouds of ecstasy. They’re flexible and protecting. The lacings add just enough support, and when Adam stands to test them, he can’t help the small moan of pleasure that escapes.
Tommy feels a blush rising from his chest to his face, and quickly turns his back on Adam. He doesn’t know why that little noise affects him the way it does, he only knows he’d like to be responsible for it happening again.
Because he doesn’t know how else to cover his feelings, Tommy starts gathering things back to the wagon. Adam’s good mood drops a little when he sees Tommy carefully fold the blanket and put it in a safe place.
Tommy brings the mules up, and tells Adam, “We’d better get moving again. Clouds are building to the west, and I want to put some miles behind us before any rain hits. We can eat a bit while we walk. There’s some jerky and bread stowed under the wagon seat.”
Adam has to laugh as he tells Tommy, “You’ll never know how relieved I am about not having squirrels or nuts or berries. You really had me going this morning. I’m beginning to understand just how wicked you are, Tommy Joe.”
“Yeah, well, I guess you can put that under how we entertain ourselves in the wilderness, too. But we can talk about wicked things while we walk, okay? I have a bad feeling about those clouds.”
Adam finds his place at Tommy’s side, while Tommy leads the mules. The conversation is much easier than it was before their rest stop. They talk of the politics of slavery, the hardships of farming, and life in the territories. Tommy tells Adam about the way his heart sings when he sees a barren, rocky grove blossom into a field that provides enough food for a family to make it until spring. He tries to let Adam know just a little of the satisfaction he feels at knowing he played a part in taming nature, bending the Earth’s will to support her people, leaving his mark on the world. He knows the only way Adam can fully understand is by actually experiencing it himself.
Adam’s questions and Tommy’s answers help the time and miles pass. Before either man realizes it, shadows have grown long, and Tommy starts looking for a place to make camp for the night. Just as the sun is dropping to the horizon, they crest a small hill, and he sees what he thinks is the perfect spot. There’s water close, a stream that doesn’t appear to be too swollen from the spring melt. It’s low ground and has a small grove of trees to help shield them from the night’s winds.
“I think it might be best to stop here for the night,” he tells Adam as he pulls up on the mules’ lead. “From what I remember, it’s gonna be pretty rocky for the next little bit, and a nice, soft meadow is easier on the back when you’re sleeping. We’re not quite as close to John’s place as I wanted to be, but we’ll get there in a few hours tomorrow. We’ll just have to make an earlier start in the morning.”
“If you mean earlier than we started this morning, that would be later tonight. There’s nothing I’d like more than watching the sunrise with you, Tommy, but I think I’d like it better at the end of an evening together, and not the beginning of the day.”
Tommy sees the wink Adam throws in at the end, and while he knows it’s there to somehow make Adam’s words lighter, he wants Adam to know that it doesn’t have to be that way, it doesn’t have to just be a tease, so he answers, “Yeah, I think I’d like that better, too.” He doesn’t hide his emotions by trying to look busy with some unnecessary task, but chooses instead to challenge Adam with an unwavering gaze.
And Adam’s smile is gone before Tommy can even blink. It’s replaced by something more, something real, because they’re done dancing around what they both can sense below the surface. Adam’s completely serious when he takes Tommy’s chin in his hands and brings their faces close enough to feel Tommy’s panting breaths brush against his lips. He studies Tommy’s face, looking for anything that might put a lie to what he just said, but he only sees the truth, the truth they both feel and know.
“I don’t know how, but this is right, isn’t it?” Adam asks as his lips brush Tommy’s cheeks. “This is where we’re supposed to be. This is what we’re supposed to be doing.”
Tommy feels what Adam’s saying more than he hears it. He feels it in his very soul. Just as he’s about to respond, a bolt of lightening flashes across the sky, and he feels the concussion of the thunder reverberating all around them. He knows the animals and supplies have to be taken care of and reluctantly breaks contact with Adam.
“This isn’t finished, but this isn’t the time to finish it,” he says as he leads the mules to the protection of the trees. “Help me get things set before the storm hits.”
Adam does help to the best of his abilities, but he can’t help but feel the pull of that half remembered world too. He stumbles through the motions of making a camp while he remembers past comforts from this man he’s just met. He sees those brown eyes in settings he knows he hasn’t lived through, and they always bring warmth and security. The images and feelings confuse him just as much as they reassure him.
When the camp is set, and the fire is burning, they both sit in silence, wondering about feelings that shouldn’t be happening this fast, but seem to have been forever in the making. The dancing flames act as a convenient focal point to avoid what they both feel the need to explore. The increasing frequency of the thundering rumbles serves to highlight the growing tension of things unsaid. The lack of conversation between them drowns out the noises of the night until, finally, Tommy feels the need to revisit their unfinished conversation overpower him. "So, what almost happened before, what are we supposed to do about that? Are we gonna sit here all night, pretending it never happened? Or are we gonna talk about it, figure it through?"
Adam shifts his gaze from the dancing flames to look at Tommy, but not too closely. He knows if he lets himself, he'll be trapped in all that those brown eyes promise, and talking will be an impossibility. Instead he focuses on the turn of Tommy's cheek, the arch of Tommy’s eyebrow, the lines of Tommy's jaw, the throbbing pulse he can make out below the skin of Tommy's neck. By the time he realizes that looking Tommy in the eye couldn't be more distracting than what he's doing, it's too late. He reaches out and his hand seems to naturally find its way to the back of Tommy's neck. He swallows hard as he pulls Tommy closer, breathing in the ozone laden electricity that seems to surround them.
Neither man seems capable of thought or words as their lips touch, fleetingly and tentatively at first, but soon enough all the confusion they feel is given over to something more primal. Just as exploring hands start to join the questing lips, the first fat raindrops fall. Breaking apart reluctantly, Adam leans his forehead against Tommy's when he says, "Mother Nature's a bitch tonight, isn't she?" And Tommy can't do any more than offer a small sigh of yearning, because he knows that they were so close to something so right, something he's needed for so long.
"I think the mules will be okay where they are, but it looks like it's gonna be a fairly heavy rain. We might be better off under the wagon. It'll shelter us a little." Tommy starts making sure that the important things are moved from the wagon bed to the ground under the wagon, and Adam can't help feeling his anger rise again when Tommy carefully places the colorful blanket in a spot he's sure offers better protection from the rain than any other.
Within minutes of finishing, the rain starts in earnest. The skies seem to open up and visibility is limited to a few feet in any direction. The lightening flashes offer the only illumination as they split the night with their fiery fury. The noise of the accompanying thunder doesn't compete with the sound of the pounding rain hitting the wagon above their heads. Conversation would be impossible, so neither tries. The claustrophobia of the tight quarters puts both on edge. The rain shows no signs of lessening, instead it grows harder. The power of the heavens is unleashed over them as torrents of water fall from the sky.
Soon the sound of the rain hitting the wagon is joined by another, more ominous sound. At first Tommy can't quite place it. By the time he realizes what it is, it's almost too late. As he runs out from the shelter of the wagon, he yells over his shoulder, "Help me get the mules. They're tied too close to the water, and the creek's gonna go over."
As soon as they're exposed to the elements, they're soaked through. Clothes cling to bodies, showing every curve and angle. Hair is slicked and dripping. Wind buffets both men as lightening flashes in an almost continual blaze. Now that they're out from under the wagon, Adam can hear what upset Tommy earlier. The rushing sound coming from upstream is like no other sound he's ever heard. Neither the busiest factories, nor the noisiest locomotive he's ever heard could compete with the wall of sound that seems to be headed their way.
"I don't think it's safe here," he tells Tommy, because he has no other words to express how much he wants to get the hell out of there, but Tommy doesn't even slow his steps as he makes his way closer to where the mules are tied, closer to the water that seems to be intent on bringing danger downstream.
"There's a hell of a lot of water coming. I gotta get the mules closer to the wagons. They'll never survive this close to the stream. This whole meadow might flood out if there's enough rain, but they'll be safer back by the wagon than they are at the water's edge."
Adam keeps pace with Tommy as they both run towards the mules. Tommy slips as the ground slopes down to the stream's bank. Adam sees the water flowing at a breakneck speed already and reaches out a hand to grab Tommy just before his feet hit the mud that would make escape almost impossible. Adam pulls Tommy back and they use a little more care and a little less speed in making their way to the animals. Both mules are unnerved by the storm and the approaching danger that they seem to sense. The smaller of the two decides that this would be a good time to display their legendary stubbornness, as it refuses to budge. Tommy does his best to coax it to follow him to safety, but the animal stands its ground.
The noise of the rushing water has increased, and so has its depth. Adam feels the water covering his feet, and slowly making its way up his calf. Tommy's closer to the natural bank of the water and smaller than Adam. Adam's frantic when he sees the water's already up to Tommy's knees and flowing with more power. He splashes his way over to the unmoving mule and takes the lead from Tommy. He tries to shout over the noise of the water for Tommy to get back to shallower water, but either Tommy doesn't hear, or chooses to ignore him. The water is over Adam's knees now, and well up Tommy's thighs. Tommy's glad that Adam's by his side as the water continually buffets him against his friend. He's just about made up his mind to let the mule fend for itself when he feels Adam straining with all his might to pull the animal to safety. Tommy turns and sees Adam working with every bit of his strength to out mule the mule. Tommy almost can't believe it when he sees the mule take first one tentative step and then another, more sure step in the right direction. Once they have this animal moving, Adam turns over the reins to Tommy as they make their way over to the other mule.
Tommy picks up the lead for the larger animal in his free hand and starts to lead them both while Adam follows closely, making sure the animals keep moving. The once lush meadow below their feet is now a muddy mire, sucking at each step they take; trying to pull them down into its sticky depths. Between Tommy's pulling and Adam's pushing, they make slow progress. It seems like hours have passed since the start of this rescue mission, but both men know that time can be a tricky thing.
Finally, they make their way back to the relative safety of the wagon. The ground here is high enough that the water isn't a danger, but both men are soaked and shivering. The cold rain penetrates down to the bone, and with no hope of a fire to help them warm up, and the cutting wind that accompanies the storm, they both know the night will be long and dangerous. It's still early enough in the spring for temperatures to take quite a dip at night, and hypothermia can set in quickly when a body's wet. They subconsciously huddle close together under the wagon, knowing that sharing the warmth of their bodies is the best way to preserve it. The cold seems to affect Tommy more, and Adam briskly rubs Tommy's arms when he feels the quaking shivers run through Tommy's body.
"It would help to change into dry clothes, but it seems like everything is wet," Adam tells the top of Tommy's head as he pulls his damp satchel closer and goes through the limp clothing inside.
Tommy fares no better when he checks the state of his bundle of extra clothing. There doesn't seem to be anything dry to be found. The wagon had done its best to protect what they'd placed beneath it, but the force of the rain had been too much. Tommy's about to give up looking for anything dry when he remembers the blanket that was carefully placed in the most sheltered spot. The bundle of food that it was set on soaked up enough water to tell Tommy that breakfast will not be happening in the morning, but it'd served to keep the blanket from leaching the water from the ground.
Tommy pulls the blanket from its place of honor and unfolds it as best as he can in the limited space. He tries to pull it around both their shoulders, but Adam can see that Tommy's shaking hands are making it almost impossible to accomplish, so he takes over. As soon as his hands grasp the edge, he's impressed by the weight and workmanship of it. The thick weave is almost stiff in its density, and it promises their best chance of protection from the elements.
When it’s secured around them, they sit side by side, trying to catch their breath as the rush of adrenalin slowly leaves their bodies. The rain shows no signs of letting up any time soon, but, with the protection of the blanket, the sharp edge of the storm is taken away. They sit quietly, enjoying the warmth that slowly comes back to their bodies. Tommy's shivering diminishes as Adam continues to run his hand up and down Tommy's arm, encouraging circulation to return to it.
When Tommy starts talking, it's almost too quiet for Adam to be able to hear over the sound of the rain. "I should have known better. I saw the signs. I know what they mean."
Adam feels the guilt rolling off Tommy in crushing waves, and he wants nothing more than to find a way to help his friend to feel better, to give up wallowing in the back depths before it's too late. "We're safe. The mules are safe. We're warming up. Everything's going to be fine now," he whispers as he pulls Tommy even closer.
"But I knew the land past here is rocky and wouldn't hold back the water from the rain. This meadow is low land. When enough rain falls, it floods. I should have read the signs. I could have gotten us both killed." The guilt that Tommy had been feeling has made its way into despair, even though their situation is no longer dire, and Adam feels the emotional pain as strongly as Tommy does. There’s a strong emotional connection between them that he wants to explore at some point, but tonight he decides to use it to gauge Tommy's reactions.
"So we got a little wet, noting earth‑shattering about that. We just have to stay together under this fine blanket tonight. I don't see it as something that bad." Adam's smile helps Tommy as much as his words do, but he's not quite ready to give up his guilt.
"If my stupidity would have been the cause of anything happening to you," Tommy tells him, "I don't think I would ever be able to forgive myself. I don't think I would want to live with that."
Adam pulls Tommy even closer, so that Tommy's almost sitting in Adam's lap. "First off, it wasn't a case of stupidity. No one could have predicted how hard the rain was going to hit. Secondly, I chose to do whatever I did. You can't take responsibility for decisions I make, or decisions anyone else makes, either. Life is like this beautiful blanket; each life is a separate thread. Somehow, all the threads manage to weave together into a thing of beauty, but it may not be visible at the time of the weaving. You can't control the direction or the color of any other thread. You just have to trust that the weaver will be able to wrap all the loose ends together and make something that can give comfort."
Adam fingers the designs of the blanket as he tells this to Tommy, trying to absorb and believe in the truth of the words he's saying. Knowing that the blanket was meant to be a gift to a woman that Tommy holds dear brings home just how much he has to accept that he can't control the direction of the thread of Tommy's life. He can only be grateful that the weaver chose to let them intertwine for this moment in time.
Tommy takes a deep breath before he responds. "I don't know how the hell you got to be so important to me in such a short time, Adam. I've only known you a day, but it feels like I was living my life just for this day. You make me feel things I've never felt before. I don't have the words to describe it, but I don't want this miserable night to ever end. I don't know if I'll ever feel so perfect as I do now, if life will ever feel so perfect."
Adam brushes his hand through Tommy's hair as he says, "Hopefully, there'll be a chance for more days and nights together. I hear the paper has a position open for a stringer in this part of the country. I could get used to roughing it a little if it means nice things like these moccasins and this blanket."
Tommy smiles ruefully as he looks at the state of the blanket they're sharing. "I don't think Eva will be too pleased with the state of her gift," he tells Adam, missing the fleeting look of pain that crosses his friends face at the mention of the woman's name. "Her and John are such good people. I can't wait for you to meat them tomorrow."
"So, is Eva John's daughter?" Adam asks, even though he really doesn't want to know much about her.
"Daughter? No, Eva's John's wife. She's the strongest woman I've ever met. She keeps John focused and grounded, especially with all the craziness that's been going on lately. They're both freed slaves. Life hasn't been easy for them, but they're making an honest way. John was even too proud to ask for help with the new field, but Eva sent me a letter asking if I would come. I could never say no to that woman. She's a spitfire. Just wait till you meet her; you're gonna love her."
The relief that Adam feels is mirrored in the openness of their conversation. They talk through the rain, through the night. Gradually the talk grows quieter and less frequent. The rain slows to a gentle sprinkle and tapers off. The night sounds grow to fill the void left by the rain, and the two men are lulled into a restful sleep, arms still around each other in a lovers' embrace.
Tommy takes charge of introductions, and when he introduces Adam to his friends, he puts his arm around Adam's waist. Adam has no choice but to drape his arm over Tommy's shoulder, and somehow it feels natural. Eva is quick to pick up what's left unspoken, and she says, "Why, Tommy Joe, it's about time you found someone to settle down with. Give me a minute to get something together for breakfast. I'm sure you two can find a way to entertain yourselves while I do." She retreats into the cabin, pulling John after her.
"What was that about?" Adam asks, as he pulls Tommy to face him.
"She's gonna school John on the facts of my life, I guess," Tommy answers. "Not that John would ever be one to judge, but sometimes he's just a little slower than her with picking up clues." Tommy picks that moment to stand up on tiptoe and place a quick, teasing kiss right on Adam's lips.
Adam smiles down at Tommy when he says, “You never mentioned kissing when you were telling me about how people entertain themselves out here. I would have decided right then and there to move out here if you had.” And the next kiss they share is much less innocent.
They’re still engaged in entertaining themselves when Eva comes out to inform them that breakfast is ready. They reluctantly break away with promises to continue after their work in the field is done. Breakfast may not be fancy, but it’s plentiful. Neither Adam nor Tommy had realized how hungry they were until the smell of the bacon and eggs hits them when they walk through the door. Combined with the warmed bread, it’s the most satisfying meal Adam can remember, and he doesn’t hesitate to tell Eva so, earning him a lifelong friend.
After breakfast, John takes them out to the field that needs to be cleared. The trees have been cut and the rocks have been removed. All that remains to be done is pulling stumps and breaking the ground. Tommy looks around at the progress John’s already made, and remarks, “Looks like you’ve been keeping yourself busy out here. Did you do all this by yourself?”
“Eva helped with a fair piece of it. I don’t know what I would do without her. Everyone needs someone strong enough to support them in their lives, no matter who that may turn out to be.”
Adam can’t help but add, “The country could benefit from your words, John. Do you mind if I quote you in the story I’m writing?”
“Go ahead, if you think it’ll help people see that no one should be judged by anything except what they’ve accomplished, by the mark they leave behind,” John answers as he starts organizing the day’s work.
John decides that it would be best for Tommy and Adam to work together pulling the stumps from the ground. Together they hook chains to the stump to be pulled, then Adam leads the mules to pull for all they’re worth while Tommy uses an axe to chop through the most stubborn of the roots. When they move to the next stump, Tommy takes over the job of leading the mules while Adam breaks the roots. Adam feels the protestations of newly discovered muscles, and wonders if his body will be able to keep up this pace through the day, but seeing the tiny drops of sweat that form on Tommy's neck and mark a trail down to places hidden by clothing helps Adam appreciate the physical labor. John’s job is chopping the stumps into manageable pieces and loading them into the wagon. When the wagon is full, the mules are hitched to it to take the wood closer to the house, where it can be cut into pieces that can be used in either the stove or the smokehouse.
The hard work carries them through the morning, and when they see Eva coming out to the field carrying a lunch pail, they’re surprised to see that over half the field has been cleared. “You two make a good team,” John tells them. “You work well enough together to deserve to be together.”
Tommy knows that the words are his friend’s way of giving his blessing, and smiles as he answers, “We might just be planning on testing that out, once we finish here. Adam’s gonna see about changing his posting at the paper so he can stay and report all the news of the territories.”
Adam takes on a look of determination as he says, “And even if they don’t want to give me the job, I can start my own paper here. I think I finally found where I belong.”
They all enjoy their lunch of fresh ham slices and bread that Eva baked that morning. Every bite seems to come alive as it quenches their hunger born of hard work. Even the water that Eva brought with her tastes sweeter than any nectar that Adam can remember drinking before. When the meal is finished, John walks Eva back to the house, giving Tommy and Adam a chance to be alone for a few minutes.
“I don’t think I’ve ever worked this hard before,” Adam tells Tommy, “but I get what you were saying. Seeing how you can change the earth yourself is something everyone has to experience to be able to understand it. You’ve been making this country livable your whole life, Tommy, and all I’ve done is put some words down in a paper that people use to wrap their garbage in the next day.”
“No, what you’ve been doing is helping people understand, to feel what they can’t experience. If you help just one person to see things from a different angle, you change the face of humanity, and that’s pretty impressive.”
Adam breaks the serious mood by asking, “You know that this mutual admiration isn’t going to lead to anything now, don’t you? Because John’s on his way back, and we still have a hell of a lot of work to do. Besides, I smell worse than the mules right now, and so do you. I don’t suppose your friends have a nice, big soaking tub hidden in that cute little house of theirs, do they?”
“No,” Tommy answers, “but you’ll be surprised to learn how refreshing a quick wash up with water fresh from the pump can be at the end of a long day.” He ducks beneath Adam’s swatting hand and grins as he makes his way back to the mules.
“Wait a minute, Tommy Joe,” Adam says as he lopes to catch up with Tommy. “You don’t mean cold water, do you? Seriously now, you heat the water first, don’t you? How can you stand washing everywhere with cold water? Some places are just meant to stay warm.”
“Eva likes you enough that she’ll probably heat some water on the stove for you, but she’s gonna make you tell her just what places you don’t want to get cold, and why,” Tommy tells him as they hitch the chains to another stump.
They pass the next few hours working and teasing, and soon enough they find themselves working on the last stump in the field. When it finally gives up its hold on the ground, Adam and Tommy join John in breaking it up and hauling it out of the field. The mules are each hitched to a plow, and Tommy walks behind one while Adam walks behind the other as they break the hard ground. When they finish going over the ground, they switch directions and crisscross the rows they made previously, guaranteeing that the soil will be ready to nurture the seeds that John has started sprinkling in the furrows.
Dusk comes before the planting is done, and they make their way back to the house. Adam’s not really surprised to see a steaming cauldron of water suspended over the fire pit just outside the tool shed. He’s starting to understand and appreciate Tommy’s wicked sense of teasing by now. What does surprise him is the little touches Eva has added while they were working. The soap is laid out on a bench, along with fresh cloths to wash with and towels to dry themselves. Even their extra clothing that had been drenched in the rain has been laundered and hung by the fire to dry.
John stops to wash his hands and rinse the dust of the field off of himself before informing the other two that he’s going inside to help Eva fix supper. They can expect about a half hour of privacy before the meal is ready. The wink he gives them says the words the man doesn’t, and they both smile in anticipation.
Adam doesn't know if he can find the strength to pick up the soap. He's never experienced this level of physical exertion before, and his muscles seem to scream in protest with every movement. But one look at Tommy is all it takes to reinvigorate him. The dust that clings to Tommy's skin has been marked by the trails of sweat drops throughout the day, and Adam wants nothing more than to have the chance to trace those same trails with his tongue.
Adam strips off his shirt and picks up the wash cloth and soap. Tommy stares at the sight before him as Adam slowly drags the cloth over his exposed chest. Tommy feels another wash of those almost remembered memories flow around him as he reaches out to take the cloth from Adam’s hand. He slowly runs the warm cloth over Adam’s skin as Adam gasps at the feelings that wake within himself.
Adam unbuttons Tommy’s shirt and slides his hands up and under the opening, pushing the shirt from Tommy’s shoulders. Tommy loses his hold on the wash cloth, and it falls to the ground at their feet, joining his shirt as it slips over his hands.
The embrace they share seems as inevitable as time itself, and neither feels the need to fight it. Skin meets skin as they come together, and the air explodes with the immensity of the need they both feel. Their lips find each other, and neither man knows nor cares who deepens the kiss. They only know that this is what they’ve been missing in their lives. Roaming hands explore strange yet familiar bodies as searching mouths whisper tender words between passionate kisses. They lose themselves in each other and in time as they find their way to each other.
Before the growing need for more can reach the point that it won’t be denied, Adam pulls away and says, “Supper must be ready by now. We better finish washing up and getting changed before your friends see more than they may be ready to see.”
“Damn, Adam. Why does it seem like we always leave things unfinished?” Tommy asks as he picks up the cloth to wash himself off. “I think I was right about the cold water, though. I might need it before I can go in to eat. Eva might be a hell of a woman, but I still don’t appreciate the sight of me going in there sporting a tree trunk in my britches.”
“Don’t flatter yourself, Tommy,” Adam jokes. “It would be more of a sapling”
This earns Adam a snap across the back with the damp towel and the answer of, “You’ll change your tune when I plant my sapling in your field. I’ll teach you later about judging the growth of wood.”
“That doesn’t even make sense,” Adam says with a smile, as they finish washing and dressing. They’re both still teasing as they enter the house that’s filled with the aroma of a rich stew simmering on the stove.
Adam inhales deeply and tells Eva that he’s never smelled anything this good before, and Eva tells him that it’s nice to finally have a man around who knows how to show his appreciation properly.
Small talk accompanies dinner as they unwind and start to feel the effects of the day’s work on their over strained muscles. John and Tommy decide that they can handle the last of the planting in the morning, while Adam and Eva take the wagon into town. Trading Post is big enough to have a telegraph office Adam can use to send his story back to New York, and Eva can pick up some needed supplies while they’re there.
Tommy and Adam make their way to the barn after narrowly escaping John’s insistence that they would be more comfortable in the one room home instead. It’s only Tommy’s insistence that the hayloft would be easier on tired muscles than the hard floor of the house that grants them some privacy for the night. As it is, they find themselves with a bottle of liniment that Eva sends with them and instructions on making sure they use enough of it.
When they reach the barn, Adam looks dubiously at the ladder leading to the loft. “I don’t know if I can make it up there, Tommy. I don’t think I’ve ever been this sore or tired before. Can’t we just sleep down here?”
Tommy looks at the animals scattered around the barn and wrinkles his nose. “Suit yourself, but I don’t take well to being woken up in the middle of the night to a mule pissing on me. I’ll be up in the loft.”
Adam decides he can manage the ladder after all, even if his complaints mount with each successive step. When he finally reaches the top, he falls face first into the sweet hay that covers the floorboards. He tells Tommy, “I’m never moving again,” but his words are muffled by the straw.
He hears Tommy say, “Shit, son, you’d think you cleared that field all by yourself, But I do appreciate how hard you worked, and if you give me a chance, I promise to help you feel so much better.”
“You do know how to get my attention, Tommy Joe. Just how do you propose to do that?” Adam asks as he rolls over to look at Tommy.
“Take your shirt off so I can rub some of this liniment into your back and shoulders for starters. After that we’ll see what else needs to be rubbed out.”
As Adam removes his shirt and places it on the hay so he can lie on it, he tells Tommy, “My, but you’ve become a bossy little thing in the time I’ve known you, but I think I like it.”
"Shut up, Adam, and let me take care of you." Tommy doesn't know why the words hit him so hard, but it's almost like a foretelling. He needs to take care of this man, forever and always.
Adam settles in and Tommy pours some of the liniment into his hands. The strong medicinal smell immediately overpowers the sweet smell of the hay, and Adam's glad that he didn't go ahead with his plans to use it for what he first wanted to use it.
Tommy begins rubbing Adam's neck and shoulders, feeling the bunching muscles beneath his hands. "You're really starting to tighten up, aren't you?" he asks as he kneads deeper into the knots of tissue.
"You don't know the half of it," Adam replies, "but if you keep going long enough, you just may find out."
When Tommy works through a particularly hard knot, Adam practically melts beneath him. The moan that leaves his mouth is almost obscene, and Tommy vows to use everything he can to make Adam make that noise again and again. Tommy makes his way down Adam's spine, and the moans grow in frequency. Finally he reaches the line just above the waist of Adam's pants, and his fingers want nothing more than to make their way down inside, to find the softness and warmth that he knows is there. But the slow, relaxed quality of Adam's breathing causes him to stop and take notice of the situation. Looking down, he sees that Adam is just about asleep. He hears a mumbled don't stop but he knows it's said more as a protest against the lack of contact than as an encouragement to keep going and whispers in Adam's ear, "Don't worry, there's always tomorrow," as he lies down next to Adam and covers them both with the blanket that Eva had the foresight to leave in the loft for them.
When morning comes, they wake with the rising sun. "Why did you let me fall asleep, Tommy?" Adam asks as he stretches away the last of his sleep.
"A herd of thundering buffalo couldn't have kept you awake last night," Tommy answers. "Besides, you looked like you could use the rest."
"I could have used other things more, though," Adam informs him, "but maybe we can work on planting your sapling this morning."
"I'm afraid there's other planting that needs to be finished, first," Tommy says. "I think I heard John up already. He's probably just being polite and waiting for us to be up before he comes in to start the morning milking. If I remember correctly, Martha gets a little testy if she gets too full before she's milked."
"Martha's a ridiculous name for a cow," Adam says just to show his displeasure at not having his way. "What ever happened to good old fashioned cow names like Bessie?"
"I'm sure she wouldn't have a problem with you calling her Bessie if you want, just do it while you get dressed so we can go have breakfast at the house."
When they reach the house, they find that John has indeed been waiting to milk the cow, and neither he nor Eva understands why Adam insists on calling her Bessie, but the smiles on Adam and Tommy's faces tell them it's some kind of joke shared between the two of them. When Eva asks if they slept well, she's confused when Tommy answers, "Some people slept a little too well," but she decides to let it go without questioning it further.
After they finish eating, Tommy and John make ready to head back to the field to finish planting, while Adam hooks the mules to wagon. Tommy marvels at how well Adam's already adapted to life in the Kansas territory as he tells his friend, "Don't take too long in town. The planting should be finished by noon, and if you make it back in time, we can head back to my place today."
"I wouldn't want to delay seeing my new home," Adam tells him as he helps Eva up and into the wagon. "I just might have to order a new soaker tub while I'm in town, though. One that's big enough for two."
"Just make sure you get back safely, okay?" Tommy tells him. "We'll worry about decorating after you see the house."
Adam leans down and gives Tommy a quick kiss on the cheek before he climbs into the wagon and flicks the lead, letting the mules know it's time to start walking. Tommy stands and waves until the wagon reaches the road and the trees obscure it from his sight. He's almost forgotten about John until his friend lays a hand on his shoulder and says, "Ah, young love. I remember it well."
Without noticing the miles passing, they find themselves entering the town of Trading Post just as the business district is waking up.
Adam leaves Eva and the wagon at the dry goods store and walks to the telegraph office. He takes out his notebook and puts his scribbled notes into coherent order before sending them to the paper. He includes his request to be made the territorial correspondent and sits down to wait for an answer. He doesn't have long to wait before the telegraph starts clicking his reply. It seems that the paper has wanted someone in the area for a while, and his story is a hit with its human interest angle.
When he makes it back to the store, he’s pleased to find that Eva's done with her shopping, and the wagon's loaded and ready. He can't wait to get back to Tommy and tell him the exciting news.
On their way out of town, they're passed by a group of men on horseback, heading the other way, and Adam notices the look of displeasure on Eva's face and questions her about it.
“That’s Charles Hamilton. Whatever he’s doing here, no good is sure to come out of it,” Eva tells him with a vehemence in her voice that Adam’s never heard before. “He’s from down in Georgia, originally. He just comes into the territory to cause trouble.”
“I’ve heard of him,” Adam replies. “Didn’t he have some resent run in with John Brown up around Laurence?”
“Yes, that he surely did, and he’s none too happy about it, from what I hear tell. He’s vowed revenge for it, and it worries me that he’s here about.”
“The paper might want to know what’s going on,” Adam tells her. “After I take you home, I might just go looking for them to see if they want to tell me about it.”
“Looks like you won’t have to wait,” Eva says, looking back over her shoulder. “They appear to be heading back this way.”
Adam pulls the mules to a halt and turns to look. Sure enough, the group of riders is fast approaching them. When the horsemen reach the wagon’s position, the leader calls to the others to halt their progress and turns to address Eva. “Good day, missus. You’re John Tolliver’s wife, aren’t you?”
“Yes, I am, and what of it?” Eva answers, throwing in a question of her own.
“Easy, Mrs. Tolliver. I have no problem with you in particular, though I might be persuaded to if your attitude doesn’t improve. This gentleman, on the other hand, I would have some questions for,” Hamilton says, as he indicates that Adam is the gentleman he was referring to. “I’m sure you wouldn’t mind accompanying me for a bit, would you, sir? Mrs. Tolliver can take the wagon back home by herself, I believe.”
Adam turns to Eva, the excitement of a new news story already showing in his eyes as he asks, “Would you mind, Eva? Would you let Tommy know that I’ll be delayed a little?”
“Yes, Mrs. Tolliver. Be sure and let Mr. Ratliff know that his friend has been delayed. I heard that he’d come to help John clear a new field when I was in town. I may just want to have a few words with him, too. Tell him we’ll be heading towards Missouri at a slow pace. I’m sure he can catch us if he wants to collect his friend.”
Adam finds Hamilton’s tone unnerving and is starting to give voice to the fact that he’s changed his mind about going with this band when one of the riders produces a rifle and points it in their general direction.
Hamilton, being the voice of the group, tells Eva, “We really don’t want any trouble, missus. Just go back home and tell Mr. Ratliff to meet us on the road. We still have a few stops planned, and he should have no problem finding us. And now, young man,” Hamilton addresses Adam, “if you don’t mind leaving the wagon to Mrs. Tolliver, she can safely be on her way home.”
Adam doesn’t miss the implied threat to Eva’s safety if he chooses to disobey, so after he slips her the small derringer as an extra measure of protection on her way home, he climbs down from the wagon and waits for whatever’s next to come his way.
As Eva flicks the reins to start the mules moving again, Adam is led to one of the horses. “Sorry about the lack of hospitality,” Hamilton tells him, “but we’re gonna have to tether you to the horse. We have to make sure we can keep you in account. We won’t be going faster than a walk, though. I’m sure you’ll be able to keep up without a problem.”
Adam’s hands are tied together with a leather strap and then tied to the pommel of the horse next to him. The man sitting atop the horse looks down and, with a slight nod in Adam’s direction, tells Hamilton, “He’s secured. We can find the next one now.”
The group makes its way down the road, stopping every so often when they see a lone man working a field or walking the road. These men are added to the number that are tied to the horses. Most seem to know Hamilton by name and by sight, and ask just what his plans are this time. The answer is always the same; they need to have a little talk when the gathering’s complete.
It’s past midday when one of the horsemen riding in the rear of the formation hollers that there’s a man on horseback approaching quickly. Adam turns, and his heart stutters when he sees Tommy riding hell for leather towards the group. He’s glad to see Tommy, but these men have rifles. Tommy doesn’t carry a gun of his own, Adam knows, but if he borrowed one from John, or whoever it was that gave him use of the horse, there could be trouble. So far no one’s been hurt, and Adam would just as soon not have Tommy be the first.
Tommy brings his horse to a quick stop when he’s close to Hamilton. Adam can see the fury in Tommy eyes as he sputters, “Just what the hell do you think you’re doing, Charles? Why are these men tied up? And why is Adam even a part of this group?”
Adam hears multiple rifles cock, and fears for the worst. Tommy can’t see past his anger and doesn’t realize the danger he’s in. Adam feels his pulse speed up and his mouth go dry at the idea that Tommy‘s life might be at risk.
“Easy there, Tommy. I just want to have a little talk with these good men.” Hamilton looks Tommy over as if he’s studying him and reaching a fresh conclusion before he continues. “I think you may benefit from it, too. I’d appreciate it if you’d consent to join us.”
“You have to be out of your fucking mind,” Tommy tells him, “if you think I’m gonna willingly go with you. Now, untie these men so’s they can get back to what they were doing, and I can take Adam with me.”
“I’m afraid I can’t do that, Tommy. We really need to have that little talk, and I must insist that you join us.” At the end of Hamilton’s words, Adam feels the end of a rifle barrel nudge his side. He turns to see one of the horsemen has dismounted and made his way to stand beside Adam while everyone’s attention had been focused on Tommy and Hamilton.
“Now, if you’ll be kind enough to dismount,” Hamilton tells Tommy, “I’ll let you walk beside your friend. We’re almost to where we’re supposed to be, and then we can discuss the needs of the territory.”
Tommy sees the gun pointed at Adam and reluctantly dismounts. He refuses to be the cause of injury to Adam, even if it means putting his own life in danger. Besides, he reasons, Charles Hamilton has been a blowhard and a loudmouth around these parts for a while, but he’s mostly been harmless. Tommy thinks they’re probably going to be forced to listen to a lecture about why the Kansas Territory needs to be a slave state, and then let go. It might be a waste of time, but there doesn’t appear to be much danger associated with it.
Tommy does feel a second of blind panic when his hands are tied together, but he feels Adam’s presence next to him, and it serves to calm him.
Once Tommy’s secured, they recommence their forced march. Within the hour, they reach whatever destination Hamilton has picked out for his talk. The captives are untied from the horses, and they’re led off the road and down into a ravine.
Hamilton stands at the edge of the ravine, and Tommy inwardly smirks at his ability to predict the man’s actions. The setup is perfect to try and show superiority over the men at the bottom of the gorge. The steep slopes and narrow path guarantee that the audience has no choice but to remain in a single file, shoulder to shoulder as they listen to Hamilton’s lecture.
And lecture he does. He tells them that God has chosen to separate the whites from the blacks by the very color of their skin, and that to go against God’s decree would guarantee they burn in hell for all eternity. He talks of how each man must do his duty to God and country by showing that slavery is necessary and right. He explains that by working their own fields themselves, they give the false idea that this is the natural order of the country. And for those that help the negroes set up their own farms there is a special place reserved in hell. He lets them know that those who have publicly spoken out against slavery in the territory are held in the utmost contempt by every farmer across the south. He asks them to repent of their sins before it’s too late for their salvation.
Adam decides at this point that he can’t stomach anymore of this talk and speaks up. Turning to look at his fellow audience members, he asks them, “Does anyone really believe one bit of this sanctimonious load of horse shit that’s being dumped on our heads? Because this is unquestionably the most unenlightened rubbish I’ve ever heard, and I’ll be sure and let the papers know how I feel, first chance I get.”
Hamilton looks Directly at Adam as he says, “Perhaps I should make a stronger statement, then.” And before anyone can put together a coherent thought, he pulls his own rifle and fires.
Tommy’s heart seems to stop when he hears the shot ring out. He looks to his side, expecting to see Adam clutching a massive bullet wound, and he vows to himself that if Adam dies, he won’t leave this place alive, either.
Instead, Tommy sees the man next to Adam sink slowly to his knees, his hand pressing against his shoulder as a bloody trail seeps between his fingers. Tommy feels no shame in the relieved breath he draws, and is about to tell Adam to keep his damn mouth shut when the air suddenly explodes with gunfire.
The shot fired by Hamilton seems to be the signal to the others to open fire, and a hail of bullets rain down upon the men trapped in the ravine.
It’s you I see
And I know now
Who I am - Dream Catch Me, Newton Faulkner
Wounds Too Deep
Before there can be any physical pain, before there can be real death, the guardians take the lovers souls back to the great hall. This experience seems to be a harder trial than any of the others have been, perhaps because they came so close to fulfilling their destiny this time.
The guardians have learned that it’s best to let the lovers comfort each other in times such as this. They interfere as little as possible as they watch the two souls seemingly weave themselves together to form an intricate picture of their lives.
The guardians shudder as they watch the country they’d just plucked the lovers from slide into civil unrest and war. The war is like no other, in that it pits friend against friend and neighbor against neighbor.
But the guardians don’t give up on the two souls, because they can’t give up. An unfulfilled destiny would mean disaster for the earth and failure for the guardians of the hall. They redouble their efforts as they watch the damage to the souls continue to mount. Close encounters bring disaster and social unrest. Near misses bring world wars with weapons never before imagined.
The lovers’ souls carry the memories of each of these lifetimes when they are together in the hall, but are clueless as to their pasts when they are amongst the living. The guardians see fissures develop within the souls that allow small glimpses of past lives to color current placements, and they worry over how this will affect the souls’ abilities to find their destiny. They know that they have one final chance to help the lovers find fulfillment.
Cos I ain’t trusting myself
I’m scared of failure,
so scared of success
Guess It‘ll all work out - I Need Something, Newton Faulkner
One Final Chance
Adam knows the first time he sees Tommy. He just doesn’t know what it is that he knows.
The cute, little guitar player that shows up at auditions...Yeah, he hears about it from everyone there: real bass players with real experience at playing bass audition, they already have the best guitarist around, why hold everything up so someone, some unknown someone, can learn to play bass for him?
Adam doesn’t know, he just knows it has to be.
When he first sees Tommy it’s from the back. Okay, nice body, cute little almost‑ass. But it just doesn’t grab Adam, doesn’t put the knowing in his brain. But then Tommy turns around, and, yeah, that's when Adam knows. Except he feels it in every fiber of his body, so it's more like he KNOWS.
First time Adam sees Tommy's eyes and he's gone. Those eyes, seems like he's been looking for them forever, looking for them in everyone he meets. Tommy's everything his type has ever been, everything he's been trying to find, but in Tommy, it's all put together in one pretty package.
Something tickles at the back of Adam's mind when he sees Tommy, some vague, half remembered thing. Something about warmth and comfort and destinies, and that's all good. But there's another side that makes him keep a little distance. There's pain and hurt, too ‑‑ and a yearning so deep that it fucking rips his heart in two, even if he doesn't know where it's coming from. He doesn't know why he puts all these things on Tommy. All he knows is that he has to keep Tommy close until he can bring it into focus and study it.
So the band waits another week for Tommy to learn bass. Not a fucking problem, right? He's got time. If Tommy can learn to play a new instrument in a week, he can learn to play with the rest of the band just as quickly. And if not? Well, then they call in one of the other bass players, one who's actually played before.
Tommy's second audition goes about as well as Adam expects it to go ‑- not perfect, but good enough. They can make do until Tommy's up to speed. When he gives his okay, Monte just looks at him like he knows Adam's thinking with his dick again. He doesn't know how to tell Monte that there's more to it this time, there's that knowing thing that he still has to work on.
Tommy's reaction has him thinking, though. There's some complicated shit going on in that pretty little head. Adam can tell. Tommy's already started looking at him with some big fucking question in his eyes. Adam could get lost in those eyes, he really could. Except he won't let himself until he has this shit figured out.
Tommy likes to talk, and Tommy likes to touch. Both things would normally make Adam swoon like some Victorian romance heroine when he puts them together with Tommy's packaging, but Adam still holds off.
And then Tommy gives him permission to fucking assault him on stage, and Adam does. He blames it on the spirit of the night, getting caught up in the excitement of the moment, what the fuck ever else he can think of. But he knows it's because he got lost in the question those brown eyes keep asking him. When he looks in them too closely, he forgets everything except trying to live an answer to a question that he doesn't know.
Just how the hell is he supposed to be able to work this out when he's swapping spit with his cute little bass player at every show? So he lets it slip in an interview that the fans shouldn't expect it, that it'll be more special if it doesn't happen all the time. And that works well ‑ for like one show. He can't stay away; he just can't let himself get close, either. He still has to work this shit out, and he needs time; just a second to breathe, a chance to think, but he can't seem to find it.
It's not like he doesn't like Tommy. Fuck, he's never met anyone he's felt more in tune with. They click the first time they talk. They're like old friends or some shit, catching up on each others lives, finding out that they like the same things. They don't even have to talk. It's almost like some old married couple who just knows what the other one's thinking, and the analogy scares Adam shitless. Something about Tommy says commitment, but it's a commitment beyond anything Adam's ever dreamed of. None of that till death do us part shit. This thing with Tommy is more than that. At least that's how it feels to him.
So he backs off as much as he can. He tells everyone that Tommy's straight. He says it over and over, to anyone who'll listen. Maybe if he says it enough, he'll start believing it himself. He wants Tommy to be untouchable, to be forbidden fruit. Adam doesn't want to know that anytime he wants it, Tommy's his.
But every fucking time he looks into Tommy's eyes he can't help but know. The truth is in Tommy's eyes. The answer is there, too. That's why Adam can't look in those eyes. He's not sure he could handle being sure. He's afraid of being sure. For some fucked up reason, his brain takes being sure and mashes it up with a hurt so deep he'd be able to feel it in his soul. He doesn't think he can take that kind of pain. He couldn't survive it again.
And just why the hell does he always throw that again in there? Tommy's never hurt him. Hell, he doesn't think Tommy would ever be able to hurt anything, at least not willingly. If he could just focus, he could see the light.
He knows he's not doing this right. He knows he should either tell Tommy that he's interested in making this thing a thing, or cut him out of his life completely, like a cancer. But he can't do anything except what he's doing: keeping everything in limbo. If he doesn't do anything, all he has to do is wait it out. If he doesn't make a move, life will go on just like it always has. If he doesn't change things, nothing has to change. It's all up to him.
He can't do nothing, though. He tries; he tries so fucking hard to just let things go, but it doesn't work because it can't work. Tommy's like some motherfucking magnet that keeps pulling him in ways that make him feel what he doesn't understand.
When they're on tour, Tommy's everywhere, just looking at him with those eyes. Adam keeps getting lost in those eyes, and every time he does, he gets a little madder at himself. He can't keep all that anger inside, so it has to come out. He pulls Tommy's hair maybe a little too hard on stage, but it doesn't make him feel any better. He gets a little too rough with the kisses, but it only makes him want to hold Tommy and gentle him through the pain, through the pleasure.
The question in Tommy’s eyes starts to haunt Adam in ways that he can’t understand. When he sleeps, he dreams of those eyes, dreams of strange settings and places he’s never been. The images of the dreams gets stronger and stronger until they seem more real than any waking image.
So the tour continues. Some shows are wild and sensuous and designed to titillate the fans while giving him a chance to work out some of the feelings he can’t understand. But some shows are different. The shows have a different feeling when he gets lost in Tommy’s eyes. There’s a gentleness, a slowness, to these shows, a realness that he can’t fucking understand. Time stands still when he looks into Tommy’s eyes. He feels the question Tommy’s asking with his look, but he can’t quite make out the words. He does slow it down at these shows, and the touches between them are gentler, more intimate. He fights the desire to give himself up to these moments. He could live in a single instant of communion this intense if he would let himself, but he pulls back because he still has to make it come clear in his mind. The poignancy of the contact still scares the hell out of him, and he can see Tommy starting to withdraw further and further, the question in his eyes growing more intense with each day.
He does give in to the emotions sometimes. He lets his guard down and makes it real, lets Tommy feel how much he wants, but he always pulls further back after he opens up like that. He knows he’s confusing the hell out of Tommy, but he can’t help Tommy until he helps himself see what he has to feel.
As the tour nears the end, he can feel Tommy pulling away, closing up. He can see a sadness in Tommy’s eyes, a hurt hiding just below the surface. He knows he has to do something, but the knowing and the fear wage a war inside his mind that keeps him immobile. He can’t make himself do anything until he figures out what it is he knows and what he’s afraid of.
He dreams of Tommy almost every night now. The dreams never seem to have a happy ending, though. He always seems to wake just before they turn into nightmares, but they still strengthen that fear he feels when he thinks about opening up completely to Tommy.
His mind constantly reels from the tug of war playing out in his emotions. He feels like he’s living two lifetimes at once, or a thousand fucking lifetimes, and he lives from second to second, trying to make sense out of the confusion in his brain. Being determined to not give in to the want until he knows the why behind it has only served to put him on an edge that he can’t help but fall from. Each touch between them only increases the wanting while it puts another layer on the shell he’s built between them. Tommy keeps picking at the shell, but it only forces him to reinforce it even more. He’s afraid of not having Tommy in his life, but he’s afraid to let him in too deeply.
Things get a little too real when they’re in Europe, and he can’t fucking wait for a chance to be by himself, to work this out without the constant distraction that is Tommy, but when Tommy’s not by his side, he can’t wait to get back home, to finish this once and for all. Only he doesn’t know how the hell this will all end up. He’s no closer to figuring out the answers or the question. He just knows he needs Tommy.
While the final show of the tour plays out on a stage in front of a packed audience, Adam senses pressure to do something, make it happen this time. He feels the music moving within himself, and he moves in time with it. He's living in the moment, but he's outside of the boundaries of time. He sees what's happening from a perch somewhere far above, while he feels rooted to this one little spot of existence. Each movement he makes seems to be guided by someone other than himself. He feels the familiar aura that is Tommy, and it draws him nearer and nearer until they end up occupying almost the same spot on the stage by the end of the show. The wild applause and deafening cheering adds to the intensity of the moment, and by the time they stumble off the stage, they both feel the intoxication of the night.
Without knowing why or how, they both end up in the same dressing room. As soon as they both clear the threshold, Adam slams the door and locks it with one hand while the other hand pushes Tommy against the wall. The minuscule room is barely big enough for the dressing table it holds, and the lack of space only encourages him to push against the willing flesh that’s been tempting him for longer than he can fucking remember. He’s not sure what he’s doing, but he knows that he has to do it now or lose it forever.
Adam uses his hands to pin Tommy’s shoulders to the wall as he shows no respect for any idea Tommy may have of personal space. He leans his head in close, and his lips trace the contours of Tommy’s face, not quite making contact with the other man’s skin, but close enough to feel the energy and heat that lie just beneath the surface. His nostrils flare and his breath quickens as he feels the push to just do it, damn it. He’s not gentle with his actions, and he knows that Tommy has every right to be afraid of him, but he’s not. He doesn’t know why he’s doing what he’s doing or what he’ll do next, so how could Tommy not be scared of him?
He searches every centimeter of Tommy’s face before his gaze settles on Tommy’s eyes. He feels himself falling into those eyes, slipping away into something that feels so right, yet still terrifies him. The room tilts out of focus, and the only thing he can hold onto is what he sees in Tommy’s eyes. Those eyes are his lifeline, and he lets himself go, finally giving up on all the pretentious, existential shit and just feeling. He breathes into Tommy’s mouth as he answers the question he finally recognizes. He’s still afraid of the pain that could be waiting for him, still afraid that this could all be ripped away from him, but, damn it, he’s fucking ready for it to be real this time. He’s willing to take whatever consequences come with it, but he’s damn well going to take it all the way.
Tommy seems to feel the barriers crumbling, because Adam can see the question being replaced by relief and welcoming in a blink of those brown eyes, and suddenly Adam’s home. He thinks he could die happy, right here and now, but Tommy has other ideas.
Tommy’s eyes are asking for more than acceptance, more than recognition. Tommy’s eyes want all of him, totally and completely, and Tommy’s hands start exploring Adam’s body.
Adam draws a quick, shuddering breath as Tommy’s hands work their way under his shirt, buttons pinging off the tiled floor as they’re ripped from the fabric. The feeling of Tommy’s delicate yet calloused fingers dragging against sensitive skin brings Adam’s blood to a fever level, but he knows he has to hold on, he has to see this through to the finish this time.
Adam unbuttons Tommy’s shirt with a little more care than Tommy shows his, but very little more. There’s a sense of urgency pushing him, a sense of unimaginable amounts of time leading to this one moment, and suddenly they seem to be living hundreds of lives at once, all of those lives pushing him to give in to this, to what he knows is right.
He captures Tommy’s mouth with his own, exploring the taste and depths more deeply than he ever has on stage. He pushes against Tommy, suddenly needing the contact as much as he needs air. He can’t seem to catch his breath, and his mind can’t find anything to focus on. He just knows that this is right. His hands wander up and down Tommy’s side before they find their way to his shoulders. He watches in wonder as he pushes the shirt aside and it slips down Tommy’s arms, exposing more of the skin he desperately needs to touch.
His breath comes in short bursts as his lips brush across Tommy’s warm skin. He’s overwhelmed by the sensations that wash over him, but he knows he still wants, no, he needs more. He rests his head on Tommy’s shoulder for a short second as he whispers promises of forever in Tommy’s ear. He feels Tommy shiver as the warm breath caresses wherever it touches, and he knows that Tommy knows, too.
He moves just so, and he’s licking the tight skin covering Tommy’s collarbone, and he tastes eternity. There’s never been a place in time that’s been more perfect than this, until the next moment brings the knowledge that Tommy’s working the buckle of his pants, and Adam realizes that they’re not done yet.
His own fingers stumble like they never do as he works Tommy’s pants loose. He still needs more, and the need flames inside of him, burning his skin from the inside. He wants to slow it down, enjoy what can’t be happening but is, but he’s afraid still. He’s afraid that if he doesn’t grab what he can, while he can, it’ll be taken away.
Finally, all the layers that were between them are gone, but not before Adam manages to snag the packet of lube that was in his pocket. He drops the condom package with his falling clothes because he knows that this time he’s going all the way, giving everything to this one perfect moment in time. There can’t be any layers between them this time.
He notices his fingers are trembling like a fucking first‑timer when he tries to open the small packet. It isn’t until he hears Tommy call him back to himself by whispering his name that he manages to finally tear it open and spread the silky substance over his hand.
He holds Tommy tightly, whispering promises between kisses that fall over Tommy’s face. He tells Tommy that he’ll make it good, he’ll take care of him forever, even longer than forever. He kisses the ridge of bone that defines Tommy’s perfect jaw, then moves on to the arch of Tommy’s throat as it’s offered to him. He tastes ecstasy on Tommy’s skin, a bliss so pure he’s sure he’s died and gone on to whatever heaven may be waiting.
He works his hand down and closes it over Tommy’s cock. He feels the surge of blood just below the surface, and he knows they’re close to perfection, closer than anyone’s ever been before.
But it’s too much. The absolute flawlessness or the moment hits him hard, and he’s so sure that something, someone, will step in and take it all away, because nothing - not one fucking thing in life - is without some flaw. He starts to pull away, to save himself from the hurt, but Tommy won’t let him go.
Tommy’s arms are stronger than they look, and Adam can’t pull away. Tommy holds him in a way that lets Adam feel totally and completely secure. He feels surrounded by all that is Tommy. He feels safe in Tommy’s arms. He feels Tommy holding him, touching him, flowing through him, and, oh...he can’t fight it anymore.
He’s afraid. Fuck, he’ll probably always be afraid of losing Tommy, but right here, right now, they’re together, and he’s going to ride this pony till the end of the parade. He looks in those eyes that seem to know all his secrets and makes his last conscious decision. He locks the thinking part of himself in the darkest fucking dungeon he can and gives everything up to the feeling part.
He still feels a sense of urgency pushing him, but now it’s because he wants this so fucking bad. The wanting alone could get him off, but he knows he has to stay focused because there has to be more. With the fear locked away, he feels more open, less hesitant and questioning. Every touch, every caress is more sure, and he can feel Tommy playing off this new boldness. Together they explore each other with a knowledge that it could all be taken away at any second. Each touch is sweetly poignant in its absolute beauty.
They map each other’s skin with hands and lips, memorizing each curve, each angle, each taste. They both seem to know that this could all be lost in the blink of an eye, and they want to take as much as they can in whatever time they have. The sensations seem to be amplified, as if they’re living hundreds of lives at once, each contact happening over and over in the same instant.
They cling to each other as their ministrations take on a frantic quality, a dance almost out of step. It’s too much at once, but still not enough, and neither man can take the time to slow it down, to find the rhythm they both know is there.
Adam feels Tommy’s hips jerk, and their cocks slide against each other. And, oh yeah, this is what he’s been waiting for, this is what he’s lived a thousand lifetimes for. He grinds against Tommy, showing him just how much he wants this, how much this has to happen this time, and he hears Tommy’s answering moan.
Tommy wraps one leg around Adam, opening himself up as much as he can, and that’s all the invitation Adam needs. His slicked fingers work at Tommy’s opening, circling, asking for permission to enter. Tommy’s head falls against Adam’s chest as he feels the first finger enter. Breathing isn’t an automatic function for either of them anymore, and both take a second to bring it back under control.
Adam knows that opening Tommy up can’t be rushed, but everything in him wants to just push his cock into this perfect man as deeply and as quickly as he can. He’s at war with his own body as he carefully works one finger in and out of Tommy before adding a second and then a third.
Tommy’s breaths come in short bursts as he starts pushing down on Adam’s fingers. Adam looks at Tommy’s face and the sight of Tommy’s parted lips and the naked need in Tommy’s eyes makes him push farther into Tommy than he has before, brushing against that spot deep inside that has Tommy making the most wanton noises deep in his throat. Adam teases the spot again, just to hear it again, and Tommy throws his head back against the wall, offering the arched column of his throat to Adam in some fucked up parody of submission. Adam knows that he might be doing the fucking, and Tommy might be the one getting fucked, but Tommy is too strong to submit to anything he’s not controlling.
Adam pulls his fingers out slowly and lines his cock up just right. He spreads the remnants of the lube from his hand to his dick, where it mixes with his own pre-cum. He latches onto the pulse point on Tommy’s neck, nipping and sucking, as he slowly pushes into Tommy.
He waits for what seems like a lifetime for Tommy to adjust, sweat breaking out in small drops all over his body. Some small part of him still expects the floor to open up and swallow them both before this can go any further, and he has to fight the urge to thrust hard and fast to the end. He knows he has to make this good for Tommy. He has to make it good for both of them.
Finally Tommy lets him know that he’s ready, and Adam pushes in, slow, tiny, maddening thrusts that have him walking the narrow edge of his self-control. He fights the urge to just take what his body wants, because what he really wants is for both of them to see the perfection in this, to live the beauty of it.
When he’s all the way in they both stop and feel. Their union is total, but not yet complete. Adam finds the cadence he needs, and Tommy matches it in counterpoint. Each thrust pushes Tommy against the wall as both men feel the urgency of the fates guiding their movements.
Adam uses one hand to wrap around Tommy to help cushion him from the unforgiving wall, while the other hand works Tommy’s cock. Adam loses himself in the movement, the paragon of dance and union. He feels his desire coiling deep in his belly, and knows he can’t hold out much longer. Tommy’s moans and pleas tell him that they’re both almost there, almost at the end that’s really a beginning. When he can’t last another second, he whispers to Tommy that it’s time, it’s finally fucking time, and they come together, sharing a kiss deep enough to reach inside and lay everything bare, sharing their very breaths.
Adam feels, he really fucking feels. He feels the rightness, he feels the balance, he feels the universe. But most of all he feels like he’s home. Shudders run through his body and into Tommy’s and then make their way back. They’re sharing this instant of perfect harmony, and it’s everything he never knew he wanted, but everything he’s spent his life searching for.
When the climactic spasms end, he feels Tommy go boneless and limp in his arms. His own knees go weak, and he finds himself sitting on the floor, Tommy cuddled in his lap. He can’t believe what just happened is real, but he knows that it is. He rubs soothing circles on Tommy’s back and hip as he whispers plans for their future in Tommy’s ear. He reaches the box of tissue resting on the vanity and does his best to clean them both up before helping Tommy back into his clothes. Adam pulls his own clothes back on, and they share one last, sweet kiss before they open the door and face the world together.
