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1
The sunglasses and swim shorts were a shitty disguise, he knew. Even in Florida, Shane Hollander was a recognizable hockey player, especially during the middle of All-Stars weekend. He had considered staying in his room, only leaving for practice and the game, but he couldn’t bring himself to. Rozanov wanted to go to the pool, so he followed. Shane was slowly coming to the realization that anywhere Rozanov went, he would follow. It was an odd truth to grapple with, but it felt so very right.
In his last relationship, nothing felt right. With Rose, everything was perfect on paper. She was beautiful, intelligent, successful, and cared deeply for Shane. And Shane cared deeply for her as well. But there was something about every kiss, every time Rose had beckoned Shane to her bed, that felt irrefutably incorrect. Like the universe was just an inch off its center.
It had never felt like that with Rozanov. Even when they fought and hurt each other over and over again. Shane Hollander always made his way back to Ilya Rozanov. Two magnets, pulled together by fate. In the depths of his mind, the parts he rarely allowed himself the grace to examine, he hoped it would be that way forever.
So here Shane laid, on a chaise lounge chair that burned against the open sliver of his back, between his shirt and shorts. Although they wouldn’t hide his identity, Shane hoped the sunglasses hid where his eyes were drawn. Rozanov, thrashing around in the pool, surrounded by a gaggle of children. He threw his head back in laughter, probably at something one of the kids said.
It was one of the short moments where Shane could truly observe Rozanov. Not how he plays, not how he flirts, just him being. It was one of the moments where he wasn’t really Rozanov. He was Ilya. It was an important distinction, one that Shane couldn’t allow himself to make. He couldn’t see Rozanov as anything other than Rozanov, an asshole star center. Rozanov, a fuckbuddy. Nothing more.
“Okay! And I will not be losing this time. But if I lose, I will buy you all candy bars from machine inside, okay?” Rozanov promised.
Shane noticed the children nodding eagerly, before Rozanov’s voice broke through, “Hey Hollander! Hollander! Make sure none of these cheaters cheat, okay?”
Shane couldn’t stop a fond eye-roll beneath his sunglasses. “Okay,” he responded, lazily giving a thumbs up.
Rozanov turned back to the kids, with a big smile across his face, “You know that guy? Who’s that guy?”
“That’s Shane Hollander!” one of the kids piped up.
“So you know this guy?” Rozanov asked.
“He’s the best player in the whole league!” another kid chimed in.
Shane could feel a small smile creeping on his face. The Best Player in the League. He wouldn’t have believed it at their age. Shane Hollander, the only asian kid on the pewee hockey team. The one the other kids thought was quiet and weird. He was The Best Player in the League. Or at least tied for it.
The smile only grew when Rozanov let out a mock gasp, “Uh, no no no, that’s not true! Splash her! Boo!”
Rozanov began splashing the girl, enticing a few others to join him. The girl was laughing, making Shane worry she would get water in her mouth. Rozanov seemed to notice this too and splashed more gently.
“No, you get out of the pool! Where is your dad? Show me your dad!” Rozanov jokingly demanded, ceasing the splashing.
The girl gave only a shy shrug in response. Ilya sighed dramatically, “Okay fine I forgive you. You can stay.”
Shane watched as Rozanov and the kids lined up against the edge of the pool. Rozanov counted down, everyone pushing off the wall in sync. As the kids darted towards the other side, Rozanov slowed his pace, only to begin thrashing dramatically in the middle of a pool that only reached the bottom of his ribcage.
Rozanov took gasping breaths, shouting. “There is a shark in the water!”
The kids all reached the end of the pool laughing, watching Rozanov be dragged underwater by nothing. Shane couldn’t help but think he was good with kids. Really good. Shane wondered if he wanted them someday. He would be a good dad.
The thought crossed his mind as quickly as he shut it out. He shouldn’t be thinking about this. Couldn’t be thinking about it. Rozanov was just the guy he fucked twice a year. Nothing more. He couldn’t be more.
If he ever had kids, it would be with some nice woman he met in the stands of a hockey game. She would be kind-hearted, laugh at his jokes, and she wouldn’t know that he had shoved his rival onto his bed and sucked his cock until he forgot he had practice the next morning. She wouldn’t be complicated. He could love her out loud. Not like Shane, who he probably didn’t even love at all.
His glance refocused on Rozanov, lifting himself from the edge of the pool. He walked over to Shane, his abs dripping wet with his necklace balanced against his pec. Towering over him, Rozanov shook his wet hair, drenching Shane in the pool water.
“Hey Hollander! Can you give these kids some money, I don’t have my wallet,” Rozanov smirked. Shane wasn’t sure if he could hide the blush spreading across his cheeks and he reached for his wallet.
2
The first game against Boston this season meant the first time Shane would see Ilya again after the cottage. They had been texting again. Almost constantly after making it official. Shane was sure his teammates would say they text too much. But can you really blame him? A notification lit up his homescreen from Lily. My place, it said. As excited as Shane was for the game, he was ten times more excited for what he knew would come after.
So you don’t want to fuck in my hotel room with Hayden watching? Shane sent back. The art of sexting was still new to Shane and he wasn’t sure he was any good at it. Despite being on the receiving end of Ilya’s sexting for almost a decade, he was always wary to respond. It always seemed to come awkward from his mouth, like an 8-year-old saying their first swearword. It didn’t flow from him like it did from Ilya. But after their time at the cottage, he decided he could do with being a little braver.
For free? Pike doesn’t get to see your face when you’re completely satisfied. I do. Ilya responded.
Shane felt a blush creep across his face, something that the other guys had been chirping him for the past few weeks. For as much as Shane tried to hide it, it didn’t work very well. It wasn’t under his control at this point. Ilya texts, Shane blushes. It’s a routine set in stone, made gravely worse by their love confessions at the cottage. And now that Shane’s parents knew, it was harder to hide from everyone else.
“Who ya texting?” Hayden piped up.
Shane shoved his phone into his bag, a little too quickly. “No one.”
“So, Boston Lily. Got it.” Hayden nodded, “You’ve been texting her a lot recently. Do I get to meet her?”
Shane took a deep breath, he was getting sick of the same conversation where he couldn’t change his answer. “Eventually, Hayd. It’s just…”
“Complicated,” Hayden muttered, “Yeah, I got it, buddy.”
The men drifted into an awkward silence. Sometimes, Shane wonders why he doesn’t tell Hayden. He’s his best friend, but Shane sure doesn’t act like it. Then that question is almost always quashed within the next week when Hayden makes another snide comment about Rozanov. He doesn’t doubt Hayden would support him for being gay. He knows his best friend doesn’t care about that. What he does care about is hockey. So forgive Shane for thinking it wouldn’t exactly go over well.
“I know it’s not serious or whatever, but it’s been years, man. I just want to be part of your life.” Hayden sent him a soft smile.
“Actually. It is serious. This summer we uh… we got together. For real.” Shane revealed, “And I know I’ve been saying the same thing for years, but I really do mean it. I am gonna introduce you to Lily someday. It’s just, I’m not, we’re not ready for that right now. I’m sorry.”
Hayden crashed his arm around Shane’s shoulders, “Don’t be sorry. But I’m holding you to that. When you guys are ready, Jackie and I are hosting dinner. Bird food included.”
Shane chuckled, “Thanks, man.”
Hayden slapped him across the back, “No problem. Now let's destroy Boston!”
The game came and went in a flash. Montreal won 3-2 against Boston. Shane and Ilya both scored one goal, but Ilya gave the assist on a second one. Shane was determined to shower and pack up as quickly as possible tonight. He wouldn’t waste a second he knew could be spent with Ilya. He assumed Ilya would be the same way, but after returning to the rink for a forgotten water bottle, he noticed his boyfriend still lagging behind.
Craning his neck in an awkward motion, he saw Ilya was talking to someone in the stands, a little boy and his mother. The boy looked completely starstruck, giggling softly and looking at Ilya intently.
He heard Ilya’s voice break through the chatter across the arena, “This is your first game, yes?”
The boy nodded furiously, as his mother chuckled beside him.
“Sorry,” she smiled, “he’s very excited. Begged me for months to see Ilya Rozanov play.”
“So, I am favorite player?” Ilya asked, making the boy nod furiously again. Shane was seriously worried he would get dizzy from all the nodding, but Ilya only chuckled softly. “You have good taste. Much better choice for favorite player than Shane Hollander.”
That asshole, Shane rolled his eyes. He grabbed the bottle and began to head back to the locker room. Well, until he heard Ilya’s voice again.
“First game should be special, yes?” Shane noticed him handing a puck to the kid, “don’t tell anyone though, or I would have to give puck to every kid in arena.”
If it was even possible, the boy’s smile stretched wider. His mother tapped his shoulder, “What do we say, Brayden?”
“Thank you, Mr. Rozanov!” he said gleefully.
Ilya smiled wide, “Of course, Brayden.”
Not for the first time, the thought that Ilya was good with kids sprung to the forefront of his mind. It almost made him smile, Ilya talking to their kid like that. Patching them up after falling off their bike or making them laugh after a bad day at school. He hoped their kid would have Ilya’s blonde curls, springing from their head. Messy, but perfect. Maybe their kid would be bilingual. Shane would speak English and Ilya would speak Russian. He bet their kid would speak better Russian than he ever could. Ilya would whisper to their kid with words Shane didn’t know, promising an extra candy bar after dinner or telling a joke at Shane’s expense. He knew Ilya would be a great dad.
Also not for the first time, Shane suppressed that thought to the depths of his brain. They had only been really dating for a few months. Who’s to say if Ilya even wanted kids? And if he did, who’s to say he wanted them with Shane? Don’t consider it, don’t get disappointed. Ilya always told him he thought too far ahead, probably because he didn’t want a future like that with him. A future where they dated in secret, at most. He guesses he wanted that too. He can’t even tell Hayden about them, for crying out loud. He didn’t want that forever though, but maybe Ilya did. Ilya could go back to Russia and they could both be normal. Shane needed to be ready for that possibility.
As he saw Ilya walk away from the kid, Shane rushed towards the locker room. Ready to grab his stuff and get out. Even if Ilya didn’t want everything he did from this relationship, he at least knew that Ilya wanted him. Tonight. In his bed. And that he could do.
3
The Irina Foundation was absolutely thriving. Even with the learning curves of their first camp, it was going much better than Shane had expected. They had a wonderful coaching staff, all the kids were excited to play hockey, and they had already raised more than their goal. Shane couldn’t ask for a better first week.
Still, the best part of it all was watching Ilya. Ilya running drills, Ilya critiquing form, Ilya encouraging the kids, Ilya, Ilya, Ilya. It was almost hard to focus on running a camp while thinking about his boyfriend so much. But he survived. Because this was important. This was the thing that let him publicly know Ilya Rozanov.
Despite the wonder he felt being able to watch Ilya like this, it was almost unbearable. His heart panged at every sweet interaction with one of the kids. Ilya would always tell them how good they were doing, how proud he was of them. Every critique was sandwiched between two compliments with him. As much as Shane loved hockey, he couldn’t remember the last time it wasn’t stressful. Even when he was the same age as the kids at camp, he always felt so much pressure to be the best. That pressure was never felt at camp, ever. Hockey was only fun. And that was mostly thanks to Ilya.
Ilya was good with kids. Not just meeting them and the silly stuff he’d seen before. Truly good with kids. He spent hours with them, determined to dedicate time to every single attendee, which was no small task considering the popularity of the camp. He learned all their names on day one, and he promised signed jerseys to anyone whose name he slipped up on. He was good with the bad stuff too. When kids would get into fights on the ice, he would be the first to break it up and make them talk it out. Every conflict had a resolution where the two kids were better friends than before. Illegal checks and mean chirps would be completely forgotten when Ilya was handling the conflict resolution.
He didn’t know if Ilya wanted kids. He would probably tell him if Shane asked, but that would be laying too much of his soul bare. Still, he kind of hoped he did. He could be happy without them. Any time with Ilya was happy, really. And he knew how tough Ilya’s childhood had been. He wouldn’t be surprised if it put a sour taste in his mouth about parenting.
He was pulled out of his thoughts by a sudden cry on the other side of the rink. One of the kids fell to the floor, hands clapping around her ears. He turned to skate towards her, but saw Ilya darting to her already. Ilya slammed to a stop in front of the girl, Alexa, and crouched down beside her, shooing the other kids and coaches away. Shane took the hint and started gathering the kids towards the other side of the rink. They didn’t want to crowd her.
As he started running drills with the other kids, he tried to listen in to snippets of the conversation. It wasn’t very successful, as Ilya was whispering and Alexa was mostly sobbing quietly. Eventually, he saw Ilya stand up and hold his hand out to the girl. She took it and skated behind him to the stands.
As they moved closer to the middle of the rink, Shane heard Ilya’s voice reassuring “No, no. Nothing to be embarrassed about. See Mr. Shane over there? He gets upset sometimes too.”
“He does?” Alexa questioned softly.
“Yes, he does. Is normal. And he is still second best hockey player in the MLH.” Ilya smiles.
Ilya and Alexa sat in the stands watching the rest of the day, chatting softly. He could tell Ilya had offered she could rejoin practice a few times, but she declined. And he seemed completely content to sit with her for the next three hours. Even with one less coach, the camp ran fairly smoothly. When they let everyone go for the day, he noticed Ilya saying goodbye to the girl.
“Tomorrow, you get back on ice and you skate better than everyone else. Got it?” Ilya encouraged.
“Got it!” Alexa smiled, before leaving the rink.
Shane skated towards the edge of the rink where Ilya stood.
“Is she doing okay?” he asked.
“Yes, she is good. Needed to decompress.”
“Decompress, where’d you learn that word?” Shane questioned.
“Internet,” Ilya relented, “looking up autism.”
Shane quirked his brow, “Why were you looking up autism?”
“Wanted to help you. Did not know what to do during your meltdowns. Now I know.” Ilya shrugged, like he hadn’t just said the sweetest thing in the world. Shane hadn’t known he was autistic for most of his life, but everything seemed to click into place with the diagnosis. He hadn’t really wanted to tell people. Just start doing a few things for himself to help. He wasn’t even sure he would tell Ilya, not wanting to burden him. But Ilya was observant. He never expected to have such an accommodating partner. Especially not one who began accommodating before either of them even knew Shane was autistic. They were always just Shane-isms before, not autistic traits. But still just as worthy of love and care. Shane couldn’t help but smile at the thought of his caring boyfriend googling about autism to make him feel more supported.
“Is that what was happening with Alexa? Autistic meltdown?” he asked.
“I think so? I use same strategies with her as I do with you and it works.” he states.
That pang in his heart hit him yet again. What if their kid was autistic? It was likely, especially if Shane was biologically related. He knew autism was genetic from his research. Ilya knew exactly what to do today. Comforted Alexa without a second thought, made her feel better. Just like he always did with Shane. He knew Ilya would do the same for their kid. When they have meltdowns or cry about something put back in the wrong place, Ilya would fix it. He would stay with them until they felt all better. As much as he knew these were dangerous thoughts, it was hard to shut them down. At least camp would be ending soon, he just had to get through the rest of the week with these thoughts, then he’s home free. They don’t exactly hang out with children on a daily basis. He’d forget about this pang. But just for today, maybe he’d let himself buy into the fantasy.
“You’re good with them, you know,” Shane spoke softly.
“Yes, I am good at everything, Hollander. We know this.” Ilya grinned, heading towards the locker room.
The rest of the week. Shane could do this.
4
Babysitting the Pike kids was nothing new for Shane and Ilya. However, babysitting them for multiple days at a time was. It was Hayden and Jackie’s anniversary, so they decided to go on a three day trip to the coast. From what Hayden told him, it wasn’t too fancy. Just a nice hotel with a pool and a view to relax at with absolutely no children. Of course, that meant that Shane and Ilya would be spending their three off days with all the children.
Not that Shane minded, and he was certain Ilya didn’t either. They loved the Pike kids to death, even if they were entirely crazy and super needy. Honestly, it was nice to spend time with them. It felt domestic.
Listen, Shane knew they were Hayden’s kids. He knew they would go back to their house tomorrow. But he could almost imagine they were his and Ilya’s, waking up in their guest bedrooms, eating their cooking, telling the couple all about their days. It felt right, in a way. He was going to miss their presence when they left.
It wasn’t just the kids either, it was Ilya too. He completely lit up when he was around them. Like all the tension rolled off his shoulders by just their presence. He was so good with them. Running around the living room as a monster chasing them, letting Jade and Ruby braid his hair, making up a riveting story to put Arthur to sleep, or cuddling Amber as she curled up on his chest. It felt like something was right in the world every time Ilya was with kids.
Shane couldn’t help but smile at the idea that this might be their life someday. If Ilya even wanted kids. Maybe he was just the fun uncle type? Shane had never asked, but he didn’t know how much longer he could avoid the conversation. He was going to spend the rest of his life with this man, he would marry him this summer. Of course, it wouldn’t change anything. Even if he didn’t want kids, Shane would still spend his life with Ilya. He was enough. He just wanted to know, so he could get the thought out of his head if he needed to.
Ilya interrupted his thoughts, saying “I’m sorry, Shane. You are sleeping on couch tonight.”
“What?” Shane confusedly muttered, “did I do something wrong?”
“No, no! I am having sleepover with Jade and Ruby! Will need king bed to fit us all.” Ilya responded.
“Am I being kicked out of a sleepover in my own room?” he chuckled, rolling his eyes at his fiance’s antics.
“Shane, I love you very much,” Ilya started, placing his hand softly on top of Shane’s, “but you will be no fun at sleepover.”
Shane let out a mock gasp, “I don’t know what you’re talking about! I’m very fun.”
Ilya gave him a quizzical look, “Shane Hollander and fun do not compute. How do you say in English? Opposite words?”
“Antonym. But they totally do compute! I am the funnest!” Shane responded.
“Shane, you would not let them stay up late, or gossip, or eat excess candy. That is sleepover tradition. Would not be good sleepover if we ate salmon and rice only and went to bed at 8:00.” Ilya stated emphatically.
“Well eating refined sugar past 7:00 will make them super hyper and it’s not good for their growing bodies and-” he stopped after noticing the look Ilya gave him.
“Okay, fine. I’ll sleep on the couch.” Shane relented, rolling his eyes.
“Thank you, moya lyubov,” Ilya smiled, pressing a kiss onto Shane’s cheek.
Laying on the couch in silence, looking at the pitch black ceiling, was the first time Shane realized just how thin their walls were. He could hear the sleepover, the girls giggling at something their Uncle Ilya told them, talking about the boys they had crushes on in their classes. He even heard each candy bar be unwrapped, which was far too many in Shane’s opinion. Damn, Shane and Ilya should not be having sex with company over if it’s this easy to hear.
Eventually, they convinced Ilya to watch a horror movie. Ilya seemed entirely against it, but he could never say no to the Pike kids. Especially when said Pike kids claimed they wouldn’t be scared. Still, it seemed he had picked a relatively calm one, from what Shane could hear. And there was no screaming from the Pike girls, so Shane figured it would be alright. The movie faded in the background, as Shane finally drifted to sleep on the couch.
Hours later, he was startled awake by a small scream from his bedroom. He shot up, rushing towards his bedroom to check on them. As he got to the door, he heard Ilya’s soothing voice shushing the girl, “It’s okay. It’s okay. Uncle Ilya is right here. It was a dream.”
Shane slowly opened the door, laying his eyes on Ruby, curled into Ilya’s arms and Jade, worriedly watching her sister. Hearing the creak of the door, Ilya looked up at Shane, not loosening his grip around Ruby, and smiled softly at him. Shane quietly made his way to the bed, stepping around a messily constructed pillow fort, and scooched in next to Jade.
“You okay?” Shane whispered to Jade.
Jade nodded, then whispered “Is Ruby okay?”
Shane let out a small smile, “Yes, she just had a nightmare.”
They sat in companionable silence for a few minutes. Ruby’s face buried into Ilya’s sleep shirt, curled into his arms. Ilya, softly rocking her back and forth in a huge hug. Jade and Shane looked towards the other two, while Shane rubbed calming circles along Jade’s back.
Eventually, Ruby pushed away from Ilya, smiling up at him with teary eyes. “I’m tired,” she muttered.
“Well it’s pretty late. We should go back to bed.” Shane told her.
“Uncle Shane? Will you stay here? Uncle Ilya can fight off monsters from this side, but there is no one to fight them on that side of the bed.” Ruby asked quietly.
Shane smiled wide, “Of course.”
Ilya chimed in, “Now you are completely safe here. Time to sleep?”
Both the girls nodded, sliding back under the covers. Shane sent Ilya a loving look, before the two slid under the covers as well. Sleep overtook Shane quickly, even in a crammed bed with his fiance and the two little girls he had known since before they could walk. He was glad to say his last thought before drifting was about the ones sharing his bed.
After Hayden and Jackie came to pick up their kids the next morning, the house felt empty. Never truly empty, because Ilya was in it. But surely emptier than before. Quiet. They had left behind so many traces of their visit. A children’s book left on the coffee table, bottles forgotten in the dishwasher, and of course the huge pillowfort scattered with empty candy wrappers from last night’s sleepover. Stuff that would need to be cleaned up and returned, despite Shane’s urge to leave it there forever.
He and Ilya were clearing up the pillow fort first, it was the most in the way, so it had to go. As he folded blankets quietly, he glanced at Ilya. He was so good with the kids for the past few days, especially last night with the girls. Holding Ruby while she cried, making their room a safe space. Now that the kids were gone, he could recognize how much he missed them. Their bed looked too big for just the two of them now, even though Shane was practically falling off the edge last night. Shane sighed. He couldn’t avoid the conversation any longer, could he?
“Ilya.” Shane spoke softly, grabbing Ilya’s attention from disassembling the fort.
“Yes?” Ilya replied.
“The last few days… with the kids… what did you think?” Shane asked.
He noticed a smile slowly creep onto Ilya’s face, he looked away from Shane, saying “It was good. It was… it was good.”
“That’s what I thought too,” Shane muttered, “Y’know I’ve been thinking about something for a little while. Uh, I just… I wanted to know what you thought?”
Ilya turned back to look at Shane, “yes?”
“I… I was wondering… do you want kids?” Shane questioned.
Shane noticed his smile widen, as Ilya revealed “Yeah. Yeah, I do. Do you want kids?”
“I do.” Shane nodded, smiling just as wide as Ilya.
“So… we will have kids? Yes?” Ilya spoke softly.
“Yes,” Shane said with resolve, “we’ll have kids.”
Ilya rushed over to Shane, trapping him in a tight hug, which Shane quickly returned. As he released his grasp, he cupped the sides of Shane’s face and kissed him. Really kissed him. The way he hadn’t done since before the kids were here.
“So if we both want kids, we start now, yes?” Ilya smirked, pushing Shane onto the bed.
“The fort!” Shane giggled, knowing he wouldn’t get up again until he was satisfied.
“Fort can wait. We leave it for our kid to play in nine months from now.” Ilya retorted, beginning to pepper kisses along Shane’s neck.
“You know you can’t get me pregnant, right? Not scientifically possible.” Shane smiled.
“Science is wrong. I will get you pregnant and doctors will say I have super sperm. Then you will give birth out of asshole.” Ilya quipped, pressing his lips against Shane’s.
Shane couldn’t help but laugh against the kiss.
5
Shane sipped his ginger ale at yet another Centaurs barbeque. They had become tradition in the past few years, with one player offering up their house on a Saturday during the off-season to just hang out. Shane had grown to love the yearly barbeque since joining the team, thanks to his amazing teammates and their families. If you had told him he would enjoy spending time with his team outside of practice when he was on the Metros, he would have called you crazy. He loved Hayden and J.J., and some of the other guys were fun enough to be around, but it wasn’t like he would seek out their company. Now, spending time with his team outside of hockey was one of his favorite parts of the off-season.
He knew Ilya agreed with him as well. He was always eager to spend time with their teammates and had even taken on the burden of hosting the coveted barbeque with Shane a few times. Ilya would never admit to this, but Shane knew that as much as he loved the team, his favorite part of the barbeque was spending time with the WAGs. Since Shane had joined the Centaurs, Ilya was welcomed to wine nights, book clubs, and spa days with the rest of the team’s significant others. The WAG group chat was pinned on his phone and he had even abandoned Shane on a date night for a supposed WAG emergency meeting.
Shane had received a few invites, as he was technically a WAG as well, but had politely declined. The WAGs were Ilya’s safe space, a part of his family. Really, they were some of the first people he could talk about Shane with. As accepting as their team was, they could only hear so much of what went on in their captain’s bedroom. The WAGs, however, were completely fine with leaving nothing to the imagination. The WAGs were also completely fine with Ilya’s long tangents about Shane’s beautiful freckles, they even found it romantic. Shane was glad his husband had them.
That was why, while the rest of the team mingled near the food, Ilya sat with the WAGs and their children. As his team chatted around him, Shane watched as Ilya chatted with the wives, bouncing a teammate’s small baby on his knee. When Ilya wasn’t speaking, he would turn to coo at the child, letting him grip his pointer finger with a tiny hand. It was such a sight to see. Shane could imagine him doing the same with their kid. Maybe at another team barbeque. They had agreed to wait to have kids until at least one of them retired, so they could give them the attention they deserved. But Shane hoped, even after retirement, that they would still be welcome at the Centaurs barbeques. He couldn’t imagine having to let go of hockey and the friends he had made on this team.
The view of his husband was blocked by a large hand, waving in front of his eyes. “Hello?” Boodram said, “Earth to Hollander?”
Shane’s eyes snapped to Boodram, now sitting beside him. “Yeah?” he asked.
“You’re staring.” Boodram stated matter-a-factly.
Shane couldn’t help but smile. He was staring. Staring at the incredible husband that he convinced himself for years he could never have. The man who he could only share stolen glances with for a major part of their relationship. As much trouble as being outed had caused, Shane was glad the world knew now. Because it meant that he could finally unabashedly stare at his husband.
“I know.” Shane mumbled.
Boodram lovingly rolled his eyes. “You look like you want to get him pregnant.”
Shane felt his cheeks flush. Boodram’s eyes widened.
“Wait, really?” Boodram questioned.
“No, that doesn't quite fall in line with science.” Shane joked.
“No, idiot! You want to have kids with him?” Boodram asked excitedly.
Shane felt his blush deepen, “maybe a little bit.”
“That’s awesome! You two will be great parents.” Boodram commented, his eyes drawn back to Ilya and the WAGs.
A great parent. He knew his husband would be a great parent. He seemed to light up around children, always knew what they needed and how to comfort them. Despite the tough-guy persona he put out, Shane knew he was anything but. He was soft and sweet and loving. He cared so deeply about the people he loved. He cared so deeply about Shane. He chose him over his career, his family, his home country. He chose Shane over and over again, every single day. Shane knew he would do the same for their family, for their kids.
For as much as they debated who would be the one to retire for their kids, he knew deep down it would be Ilya. And if it wasn’t, he would retire the moment they were born. Shane knew his husband, and he knew he wouldn’t be able to handle a life on the road, without seeing their children every day. He wasn’t going to take them for granted, not like his dad had done to him. Ilya would be an amazing dad.
Shane wasn’t as sure about himself though. He hopes he’ll be good at it. He likes kids a lot and he likes being on constant rotation as a babysitter for his teammates. Still, Shane likes order, he likes things just so, and children are pure chaos demons. What if they overwhelm him, give him sensory overload? What if they just keep crying and crying and don’t stop? What if Ilya’s not home and Shane has to deal with it alone, trying to calm down their baby’s sobs when he wants to start sobbing himself?
He notices Boodram looking at him, waiting for an answer. How long had he been thinking? Eventually, he settles on “he’ll be great,” looking back towards Ilya.
“And so will you.” Boodram smiles, tossing his arm around Shane.
The two sit in comfortable silence for a minute, watching Ilya continue to laugh with the WAGs, bouncing the giggling baby on his knee.
“Were you… scared?” Shane broke the silence.
“About having kids?” Boodram asked. Shane responded with a shy nod.
Without warning, Boodram starts to laugh. Loudly. “Yeah, I was scared! Hell, I’m scared every day!”
“Really?” Shane asked.
“It’s scary as shit, man! Like seriously, one wrong move and I fuck up my kid’s entire future.” Boodram says, still laughing raucously.
“Not making me feel much better, Bood.” Shane muttered.
“That’s not the point though. You have to let go of the whole being scared thing. You’re gonna be scared, that’s just how it is. It means you care. Just ignore the scary and do it anyways. It will be the most happy, fulfilling thing you ever do. I promise.” Boodram told him genuinely.
Shane nodded, “thank you, man.”
“No problem, Hollander,” Boodram replied, “now go get your man pregnant!”
Shane rolled his eyes, playfully shoving Boodram’s arm off his shoulders. “Fuck off.” he laughs, walking towards Ilya and the WAGs.
Taking the seat on an armrest next to Ilya, he started playing peek-a-boo with the baby on his husband’s lap. Ilya looked up to smile at him, the two trapped in their own bubble as the conversation blurred around them. Shane was scared as hell for this. The two of them with a tiny baby. There was so much to go wrong, to fuck up. But most of all, he looked forward to it. Knowing this would be the future he had with Ilya. It wouldn’t be today. It might not be any time soon. But someday, this would be their life. A little tiny baby, bounding on Ilya’s knee. Bunching up Shane’s shirt in their little fists. They would have their own family. And Shane couldn’t be more excited.
+1
Lillian Irina Hollander-Rozanov. That’s what they named her. Seven pounds and five ounces of pure joy. She opened her eyes almost immediately, already so curious about the world. Shane was the first to hold her, cradling her fragile body in his arms. He had never held anything more precious. He had so much he wanted to tell her, but he could barely say a word. They all got caught in his throat as tears brimmed from the corners of his eyes.
When she came back from her checkup and early vaccinations, Ilya took her to an armchair in the corner, cuddling her against his bare chest. Her eyes stared up at him in wonder, before slowly closing as she drifted to sleep. Ilya was quick to follow, letting out quiet snores still holding their daughter close to his chest.
Shane couldn’t pull his eyes away from the pair. His husband and his daughter. Even in sleep, Ilya fiercely protected her. When Shane tried to take her, his husband’s grip tightened and Lillian curled even further into Ilya’s chest. Shane couldn’t resist pulling his phone out to snap a quick picture of the two, before returning it to its place in his pocket. He wanted to keep this moment forever.
He didn’t know what the rest of their lives would look like, or who their daughter would grow up to be. But he couldn’t be happier to tackle it with Ilya. His husband. The love of his life. He had always thought Ilya would be a good dad. He loved kids, and was so kind with them. But he knew for sure, in this moment, watching Ilya slowly flutter his eyes open and place a delirious kiss on their daughters forehead, that he would be the greatest dad.