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Andy and Ollie hunched over the table in the back booth of Bob's Burgers. A notebook sat on the table between them, and they were busily sketching designs and scribbling down notes around their ideas.
A petite figure stood over them with her lips curled into a troublemaking grin. “What are you two kooks up to?”
Ollie peered up at Louise as though she'd just tried to steal his last chocolate. “It's top secret.” His scratchy voice was like the hiss of a stray cat, as he hunched over the paper to cover what he was working on.
Andy's head jerked upwards at Ollie's words. His lips pursed into a thoughtful o, and he shook his head. “Maybe we should get… you know… a girl's… opinion. We could just tell her the basics. Louise could probably give us some technical advice too.”
“A girl's opinion?” Louise crinkled her nose in revulsion. “If this is some kinda mushy, dating thing, you guys should probably remember that I'm not into frilly, girly stuff. I'd field it to Tina, but apparently filling out college financial aid applications is grounds for skipping work now.” She raised her voice to make sure Bob and Linda were aware of her continued protest that Tina was being allowed time off.
Ollie stared at Louise with a look of realization. Then he smiled at Andy. “No. That's perfect! Our princess isn't into that stuff either!”
“Your princess?” Louise cocked one brow and wrinkled her nose as though the word lingered in the air like a particularly noxious fart.
“Yeah. That's what the Deuce… aka the Prince of Persuasia… says,” Ollie said brightly.
Louise nearly fell over hearing that name again after so long, especially coming from Andy and Ollie of all people.
“We told our dad that we want to ask out a girl we like, so he showed us a video about how to get girls to like you,” Andy explained. “Apparently, the Deuce sold it to him when Dad dropped us off at baseball camp.”
Ollie nodded in excitement. “Dad said he gets lots of girls this way!” His excitement dulled, and he rubbed his chin. “Buuuut we've never seen any that stuck around.”
Andy shrugged. “We figure he must have shown our brother the same thing, though, and he and Tina keep getting back together. The Deuce DID help us with baseball, too. So, we're working on step one.”
The twins looked at each other. Then they cheered in unison, “Trap your princess!” Louise's eyes got wider with every word Andy and Ollie spoke.
Andy leaned in closer. “Which is more romantic? A hidden net that hoists you into the air and triggers romantic music?”
“Or a pit trap cushioned with heart-shaped pillows?” Ollie finished.
“Holy crap!” Louise exclaimed. The twins had said all kinds of bonkers stuff over the years, but somehow she still wasn't expecting this. Hell, how could she be?!
The twins exchanged a nervous glance, clearly second guessing the wisdom of their dating guru and their interpretation of his advice.
“Didn't you guys ever watch Jimmy Jr. ask Tina out?” Louise asked. “Or haven't you ever seen any barfy romance movies?”
Ollie scratched the back of his head. “We never saw Jimmy Jr. ask out Tina, but we've seen lots of movies, even though our mom says real relationships aren't like the movies!”
Andy positively lit up. He raised his hand. “I love The Lake House!”
Ollie caught his zeal. “Oooooo! Ooooooo! And Don Juan De Marco!”
Andy looked positively enraptured. “Moonstuck!”
Ollie turned to face him, nearly hopping up and down with excitement as he held his clenched hands in front of him. “Casablanca!”
Andy grabbed Ollie's hands and nearly beamed at his twin. “Oh my God! Pride and Prejudice!”
“Dracula!” Ollie exclaimed, and both boys nodded vigorously as they turned back to Louise.
“Dracula?” Louise blinked, her jaw slightly agape. “I don't think that's… well, I guess the Gary Oldman one added a big, dumb romance plot…”
“No! Frank Langella!” Ollie corrected immediately.
“Yeah! Frank Langella!” Andy nodded in solidarity.
Ollie leaned forward wearing a grin upon his lips. “He's evil, but Lucy's kinda into it, and it has a John Williams score!”
Andy bit his lower lip as another thought occurred to him. “…Though the Gary Oldman one does have boobies…”
Ollie tapped his finger against his lips, and his eyes glazed over as he remembered the movie. “I do like the boobies,” he admitted in a soft voice.
“Yeah. They're nice…” Andy's dreamy tone and expression conveyed that the boobs in question were a bit more than nice in his estimation.
“Mmmm. Really nice…” Ollie looked as temporarily dumbstruck as his brother.
Louise stared from one Pesto to the other, and she rolled her eyes. Now that they were in eighth grade, puberty was in full swing. Louise had been dismayed to learn that Tina's behavior had been kinda normal rather than the total anomaly Louise had once thought it to be. “You do remember those boobs were attached to monsters who ate babies, right?”
The twins shrugged. “We forgive them. A vampire's gotta eat someone. It comes with the territory.” Ollie's eyes lost none of their luster as he spoke.
Andy patted Louise on the shoulder. “Yeah. They can't help what they eat. We'd still accept you even if you were a vampire who ate babies.”
Louise wrinkled her nose. “First off, I wouldn't be the vampire bride waiting at home for some jackass to bring me pint-sized humans for dinner. I'd be the badass vampire ruler who brings home the blood for my entire vampire family!”
Ollie rubbed his chin as he pictured it. “I could see that. I wouldn't hate being a stay at home vampire groom, but I'd prefer to have some kind of work from home gig… at least for personal fulfillment.”
Andy nodded at him in agreement. “Yeah! Like selling specially made and decorated vampire bat boxes for vampires who need to camp for the day!” He turned towards Louise with the expression of a mountain sage. “Stay at home vampire spouses never get enough respect.”
Ollie drew his lips taut in a look of commiseration. “You need to keep the castle creepy, with the perfect amount of spiderwebs… and no bat poop. Plus, you always have to look supernaturally pretty–despite not having any reflection in a mirror.”
Louise snorted and laughed. “Well, if things don't work out with this princess of yours and I get turned into the undead, you're always welcome to be my vampire grooms.”
Andy gave Louise a shy smile. “Okay! So… if it were you, Louise, how would you like to be asked out? From your reaction, I'm guessing no traps.”
Louise straightened her spine in indignation. “If this is about that stupid Valentine's dance, the only way anyone could get me to go is to trap me! At least if someone trapped and blackmailed me into going, I'd still have my self-respect. What kind of theme is Love Rocket anyway?”
“Rocket to Love,” Andy corrected, though Louise was too focused on her disdain for the dance to hear him. He crossed his arms and the shadow of a frown settled upon his lips. “I like the romantic space motif. It's pretty, and it's more original than just stringing hearts everywhere,” he added more forcefully. “Even if the name could have used a little more work.”
Ollie patted Andy on the back. He tilted his head to the side and pursed his lips. “Our dad nearly choked laughing when we told him the name.”
Louise made a sound of disgust. “Ugh. Love Rocket. Sounds like something out of a cheesy 80s song.”
“Rocket to Love,” Andy corrected again in a soft but insistent voice.
In the second booth, Gene lifted the mustard bottle he'd been about to fill. He held it in front of his mouth like a microphone, and he sang into it in his best impression of an 80s hair metal band. “Climb aboard and raise your knees. My love rocket was made to please! Love Rockeeet!!!” Gene gave the bottle in his hand a squeeze during his dramatic finish, and a squirt of mustard flew into his open mouth. He grinned and licked his lips. “Ooooo. Tasty!”
“Gene, Louise, don't say love rocket,” Bob said as he walked past them to look out the front window for any potential customers.
“What?! That's the beginning of a musical masterpiece!” Gene protested. "I'm gonna finish it and open for Zentipede someday!"
“Hey! Don't blame me for the name. It's not like I voted for it!” Louise sounded gravely offended, but Bob only gave a faint hum of acknowledgment as she grumbled after his back. Her expression switched to one of contemplation and appreciation. “I guess on the bright side it made Frond scream during the morning announcements when it won.”
“I heard Mr. Frond might take a brief sabbatical for stress after looking at the poster submissions,” Ollie announced.
“Why is Jimmy's lunch rush so much bigger than ours?" Bob moaned.
“Dad's running a special for couples until Valentine's Day,” Ollie offered.
“And Trev created a new holiday cocktail,” Andy added.
Bob groaned even louder, and Linda placed her hand on his shoulder. “It's okay, Bobby. We'll go back to the kitchen and we'll come up with the greatest Valentine's Burger of the day ever!”
Bob sighed heavily. “That only takes care of one day, Lin. To help, I'll have to think of something to get people in here until then too.”
Linda guided Bob back towards the kitchen to brainstorm. “Then that's what we do. C'mon, my big, sexy burger genius.”
Louise turned her attention back to the twins, and she gave them a serious look as though she were about to lay down orders for some new scheme to them. “Look. The rest of the girls in our class would rather you used flowers and candies to ask them out. Got it? Not that it wouldn't be hilarious to watch you guys catch a date in a giant cargo net, but I wouldn't let you screw up and get rejected.”
Ollie and Andy's eyes met briefly, and matching smiles tugged at both of their mouths. Ollie responded for them both. “Appreciate it. We're… uh… gonna go do a little… shopping for our princess.” The twins exchanged furtive glances as though having a secret conversation that Louise wasn't privy to.
Andy grabbed their notebook, laced his arm through Ollie's, and started for the door. “We'll come back to get your approval later!” He waved at her with a wide swoop of his arm. Ollie managed to get in a wave of his own as Andy half-dragged him out the door.
“Happy hunting!” Louise called after them. She waved goodbye back with an exaggerated swoop of her arm and an equally exaggerated bright grin… until they were out of sight. Then the grin immediately slipped off her face to be replaced by a disappointed frown and her arms hung by her sides more limp than the overcooked pasta at Jimmy Pesto's restaurant.
Linda's voice took her by surprise. “Oh! Why's my baby so droopy all of a sudden?”
Louise hadn't meant for her mother to see her reaction. She rolled her eyes and hid her disappointment behind a wall of scorn. She picked up the stack of menus nearby and began to wipe them down to look busy. “It's no big deal. I just didn't want to go to that stupid dance, and usually Andy and Ollie don't either. And that's great cause we have fun watching movies together instead. I just thought we were gonna do that again.” Her annoyance bled through as she continued venting.
Linda gave her a look of extreme sympathy. “Awwwww! My little Louise is down in the dating dumps. You can always stay in and watch movies with me and your father.”
“Exactly how every teen girl wants to spend Valentine's day,” Gene quipped.
An idea struck Linda. “Ooooo! Oooooo! We could watch ones with dumb school dances in them, and when they get to the dance bits we can say, ‘Ugh. School dances are soooo dumb!’”
With a heavy moan, Louise covered her eyes with her palm and shook her head. Her voice came out tiny but deadly as she torpedoed her mother's invitation. “Mom, that's not fun… Just saying that the dance bits are dumb isn't fun… and then you still have to watch the dumb school dance stuff…”
“Wha? No! It's fun!” Linda protested. “It's cafartic. You make fun of the lousy dance, and it reminds you of why you didn't want to go in the first place… and you feel betteh!”
Louise crossed her arms over her chest and glowered at the front door. “No. You have to watch all those stupid scenes, and it reminds you that Andy and Ollie would rather go to one of those cheesy dances with some other girl than hang out with you.” She threw the rag she'd been wiping menus with onto the counter as though she were picturing throwing it in someone's face.
Gene raised his brows and pursed his lips. “That rag probably had it coming. They’ve been taunting us for years with their delicious looking stains, but really weird smells.”
Linda pursed her lips in a strikingly similar expression to Gene's as her eyes traveled back and forth between the rag on the counter and her steaming daughter. She ignored Gene's comment. “Maybe you should tell Andy and Ollie how you feel about all this.” Linda kept her voice soft as she made the suggestion, but her pragmatic tone strongly hinted that she had a definite opinion on the matter and wanted Louise to follow her advice.
“Mom, it took them nine years to notice there was a world outside of just hanging out with each other. I can't ask them to make their world smaller for my benefit! Even if I wish they'd picked me over some dumb dance…” She punched one hand into her opposite palm. “And who the hell is this ‘princess’ anyhow?!"
Bob peeked into the dining room through the order window. “Well, I think you're being very mature, Louise.”
Louise blew out through her lips and then heaved a loud sigh. “Yeah? For the record, being mature blows.”
“Sometimes it really does,” Bob agreed.
The lunch rush finally began to pick up. Gene bussed the tables while Linda and Louise took and delivered orders to salivating customers.
The door opened, and Gretchen jogged in as though she was in the midst of an emergency. She spotted Louise behind the counter. “Oh! Louise! Quick! I need a soda to put my rum in!” Gretchen waved a flask as she spoke in rapidfire desperation.
“Oh. Hey, Gretch!” Linda greeted, as she dropped off a burger to a couple in the middle booth. “What's the emergency?”
“I've got a V.I.P. client in my chair. She's got a touch of bleeding ear disease, and she's a little woozy at the sight of blood.” Gretchen turned her gaze, back towards Louise behind the counter. “Hurry, hurry!” she urged.
Louise gave Gretchen an appraising look as she got her a soda from the machine. “Get her blackout drunk and drop her off at the ER? Solid plan.” Her voice held a tone of admiration. She placed the glass in front of Gretchen.
“Oh. Yeah. That might work too,” Gretchen mused as she emptied the contents of her flask into the glass of soda. She plopped onto a stool at the counter, and she took a large sip of the doctored drink herself.
“What was your plan?” Louise was vaguely aware of the front door opening behind Gretchen and two familiar strawberry blond heads making their way towards the counter.
Gretchen leaned forward. She jiggled her straw up and down, and her eyes fixed on Louise as she answered. “Get drunk. Pay a buddy of mine in Bog Harbour to make me a new identity, and run away to the Caribbean.” She took another sip through the straw.
Andy and Ollie sat on the stools next to Gretchen.
“You know, if Teddy comes in to find you in his spot, he's gonna get weird,” Louise warned Andy. She eyed the single roses and heart shaped boxes of chocolates in the twins’ hands. Her stomach tried to tie itself into a pretzel. “Okay, okay. Looks like run of the mill chocolate and flowers, guys. They should work fine. Dunno why you thought you needed my approval for that…”
“That's cause we have a special surprise,” Andy whispered.
Ollie nodded. “Yeah. We don't want everyone to see. You gotta lean in so we can show you.”
Louise rolled her eyes, but she did as requested, planting her palms on the counter and leaning in close as she waited to see what Andy and Ollie might be about to magically produce from their coat pockets.
Click. Click.
It took Louise a moment to realize what had just happened. Cool metal encircled her wrists and rubbed against her skin. “What the HELL?!”
Andy and Ollie gazed at her with contented smiles. Andy wiggled his fingers at her, and Louise could see the shiny metal around his right wrist and the metal chain connecting to the cuff on her left wrist. “Hi, Princess,” he greeted in a soft, warm voice, sounding very pleased with himself. He winked at her.
Ollie rested his cheek against his right hand, while Louise tugged gently at the handcuff that secured her to his left wrist as though trying to prove to herself that this was actually happening.
“Hiya, Princess! So about that dance…” Ollie's smile broadened as what was happening finally clicked for her, and the realization washed over her face.
A gravelly voice beside them began to gush with pride and excitement. “Oh! You boys pulled it off perfectly! Just like we practiced!”
“Wait! Gretchen, you were part of this?” Linda stood behind her friend's shoulder and stared at them all.
Gretchen gave a snort of laughter. “Oh, c'mon! They needed a couple pairs of real handcuffs on short notice, and I've got a whole drawer full after that weekend on the cape with the escapologist convention… Ha! It was more like a kink convention … with all the ropes and cuffs you could want!” Gretchen snorted again.
The twins were too intent upon their own goal to pay much attention to Gretchen and Linda rehashing Gretchen's handcuff story. Andy and Ollie fixed Louise with a firm gaze.
“You said you'd only go if you were trapped and blackmailed into it…” Ollie reminded her.
“But we also brought flowers and chocolate for bribery.” Andy added.
Louise stared at the candy boxes and red roses with a rewired brain now that she knew they were all for her. The corners of her lips curled upwards like petals on a flower beginning to bloom.
“We're covering all our bases,” Ollie told her with a proud nod.
Andy gave her an imploring look. “We can do movie night again next time. We just really want to go to this particular dance with you.”
Louise's eyebrows raised and her expression tightened as she tried to get a clear image of the date the twins had planned. “So what's the plan here? You boys want me to dress up in some frilly gown and take turns dancing with you to slow songs?” She wasn't sure about the dressing up, but the thought of dancing together sent a warm zing through her tummy. It wasn't unpleasant. In fact, she quite liked the feeling.
Andy and Ollie glanced at each other with surprised faces as they held another of their silent conversations through expressions and eye movements.
“You can wear a dress if that's what you really want,” Andy announced.
“But we're planning on going as a two-headed space alien,” Ollie shrugged.
Andy casually leaned over the counter towards Louise and smiled. “So we thought you'd rather go as an astronaut or a space pirate.”
Ollie nodded vigorously. “Or a badass space marine! You could have a cardboard prop and shoot us with a love ray to subdue us!”
“And then we could throw candy hearts into the crowd!” Andy's excitement was so intense he sounded ready to explode like a glitter bomb. “Mr. Frond will probably chase us all around the gym at least once if he hasn't gone on that sabbatical.”
Louise laughed at the completely unexpected curveball the twins had just thrown her. Suddenly this dance was sounding kind of incredible.
The twins drew themselves up to their full height, and they took a breath for courage. “And you dance with us during all the slow songs,” Andy and Ollie told her in unison. Their faces were filled with conviction, secure and implacable like matching, handsome bronze statues.
“And we have to dance to some of the fast songs too.” Louise wasn't sure what pulled the words out of her, but she didn't regret them. Andy and Ollie looked surprised but eagerly nodded and voiced their agreement, and for the first time she found herself actually looking forward to a school dance.
Louise took the two roses the twins had brought for her and she twirled them beneath her nose so that she could enjoy the light scent from the tea roses. A grin twitched her lips. “All right, boys. It's a date.”
Andy and Ollie grinned back at her, and they stood up to each kiss her on the cheek. Then they each fished a small pair of keys out of their pockets, and with a couple of quick clicks Louise was free.
Linda suddenly looked like God had heaved an anvil of an idea out of heaven and straight on top of her head. “Oh! Oh yeah! That's a good one,” she chuckled to herself. “Andy, Ollie!”
The boys straightened under her attention. “Yes, Mrs. Belcher?”
“How ‘bout I make your costume for you, and in return, you three do a little Valentine's advertising for the restaurant? It'll give you a chance to work up an act for the dance. Instead of hearts you can hand out burger samples. Huh? Whaddya think? You in?”
Louise caught Ollie and Andy's eyes and gave them a nod of encouragement. The boys shared matching mischievous smiles. "We're in," they agreed.