Chapter Text
It was a chilly Valentine’s Day when Hijikata Toshirou was patrolling around Kabukichou. This winter had been a particularly cold one and he couldn’t wait till his lunch break so he could eat something hot. At least it was not snowing.
He briefly glanced at a large crowd gathered outside a chocolate store, but he quickly looked away. He never cared for frivolous holidays such as Valentine’s Day so he couldn’t care less for the crowd of people wanting to buy chocolates for their lovers. He doesn’t even like chocolates so he couldn’t care less about this stupid holiday.
He had even turned down a random girl that approached him earlier trying to confess to him with chocolates. He didn’t even know her, but according to her, he had saved her from a robbery once. Maybe if she had offered him mayonnaise he would have considered listening to her confession, but he still would have turned her down. His heart already belongs to someone else, after all.
Just as he was about to walk away from the crowd, he felt an arm surrounding his shoulder. Toshirou tensed, one hand going to his sword, but before he could move, the person spoke.
“Hijikata-kun~” An annoyingly smug voice said next to his ear and Toshirou could already feel his patience slipping. “Just the person I wanted to see.”
Toshirou turned to glare at Sakata Gintoki, the most annoying man in existence and the last person he wanted to see on this day. “What?” He growled.
Gintoki grinned at him. “I have a proposition for you…” He said, voice sultry.
Toshirou frowned. “What kind of proposition?” He asked dubiously. “Can’t you see I’m busy?”
Gintoki ignored this. “You know… this store here has a special offer for couples.” He began, his arm still over Toshirou’s shoulders, preventing him from leaving. “The couple that wins the contest gets a free packet of Apollo chocolate every day for the next month!” He said enthusiastically as if he was a little kid asking Santa Claus for a Christmas present.
“So?” Toshirou asked, annoyed. “What does that have anything to do with me? I don’t even like chocolate.”
Gintoki rolled his eyes. “Do I have to spell it out for you, stupid Mayora?” He asked, frustrated. “Gin-san doesn’t have a lover at the moment, so you’ll have to do.”
Toshirou gaped at him. “What?! No way!!” He exclaimed and then slapped Gintoki’s arm off his shoulder, face becoming red. From fury, obviously. “Why would I do that?! Can’t you go ask someone else to help you?!”
Gintoki huffed, annoyed. “You were the first one I saw. And there weren’t many spots left so it has to be you, Mayora.”
“Nope! No! I’m not doing it!” Toshirou said, turning around and giving his back to Gintoki. “Leave me out of this!”
“Mayorin is also a sponsor in this contest and they are also giving out free mayonnaise to the winning couple.” Gintoki said calmly.
Toshirou stopped dead in his tracks, his back still to Gintoki. “H-How much?”
“A bottle each day for the next month.” Gintoki said, and Toshirou didn’t have to turn around to know he was grinning triumphantly.
Toshirou took a deep breath, knowing he was going to regret this but that was 28 free mayonnaise bottles. He definitely couldn’t let this chance go to waste. Not even if it meant having to pretend to be Gintoki’s lover. It won’t be long anyway, just for the duration of the contest.
“Fine.” Toshirou muttered. He turned around to see a smug looking Gintoki. “But no one else better find out about this.” He glared threatheningly at him. “I don’t want anyone else to think I’m dating a lazy bum like you.”
Gintoki’s smug grin turned into an annoyed glare. “Shut up! As if I want everyone thinking I’m dating a stupid mayora like you!”
Toshirou rolled his eyes. “C’mon. You said there weren’t many spots left, right?” He said, walking to the store.
“Oh, I already signed us up.” Gintoki said.
Toshirou raised an eyebrow. “Huh? And what would you have done if I said no?” He asked, annoyed.
Gintoki huffed, amused. “I knew I could convince you.”
Toshirou’s eyebrow twitched with irritation, but he tried to think of the free mayonnaise. “Fine.” He growled.
They both entered the store together, but Toshirou tried to keep his distance from Gintoki, though that was proving hard to be with the amount of people gathered there. This was a big store, the biggest chocolate store in Edo, but it was filled with so many people that it was hard to walk around.
“We’re just missing our couple Number 2 and we’ll be ready to begin the Ultimate Edo Couple Contest!” The announcer, Tamo-san said, standing up on a platform with 18 other people.
“We’re here!” Gintoki said, taking Toshirou’s hand and dragging him to the platform.
Toshirou tried to shake his hand off, but he stopped when Gintoki turned to glare at him. “Rememebr to act as if you’re deeply in love with me, Mayora.” He whispered close to his face.
Toshirou clicked his tongue, annoyed. “Fine. But it goes both ways, idiot.” He said and let Gintoki drag him to the platform.
“Now that we have all our couples here, I’m gonna explain the rules!” Tamo-san said enthusiastically. “We have a series of activities that the couples have to pass to win the contest.” He said. “But first, they have to tell us their meet cute and our judges are going to see which 5 couples have the best love story!” He said pointing at a table where an old man with glasses, a kid with snot on his face and a stern looking woman were sitting. Toshirou turned to look at Gintoki with a panicked face, but the perm head had his usual dead fish eyes. “Now with the first couple!” Tamo-san turned to a young couple next to Gintoki and Toshirou who were holding their hands with gentle smiles and big grins. “Now tell us, Kenji-kun, how did you meet Hiroko-chan?” He asked.
Toshirou ignored their response and turned to whisper in Gintoki’s ear. “Oi! What are we supposed to do?”
Gintoki glanced at him before turning back to the other couple. “What else? Just answer the questions.”
“But we’re not actually da-”
“Now to our second couple!” Tamo-san interrupted him. “Tell us, Sakata-san, how did you meet Hijikata-san?”
Eh? So Gintoki registered him with his name? What if he hadn’t accepted? It would have made finding someone else harder. He is lucky he accepted or he would have had to explain why he registered his lover with someone else’s name.
“He tried to stab me.” Gintoki said calmly.
There were many gasps in the crowd and Toshirou choked on air. “Ah! What an interesting start! Mind explaining that a bit more, Hijikata-san?” Tamo-san said with a confused smile.
Toshirou scowled. “I thought he was a Joui and I was just doing my job.” He excused himself.
“Oh my!” Tamo-san exclaimed, sounding intrigued. “That sounds interesting! And what did you think about that, Sakata-san?”
Gintoki shrugged. “Thought that was hot.” Toshirou choked again, staring at him with shock. “He looks really hot with a sword.” Gintoki said calmly.
“Oh, my! Such a passionate start!” Tamo-san said as a few in the audience giggled. “And besides thinking he was a Joui, what else did you think about Sakata-san, Hijikata-san?”
Toshirou fidgeted. If Gintoki lied then he should do so too, right? “That he was handsome…” He muttered, face red.
“Oh, but do tell us more!” Tamo-san said enthusiastically.
“I-”
There was a loud ring interrupting him. “Oh, no. It seems we’re out of time. Let’s go to our next couple!” Tamo-san said and continued to the couple next to them.
“Handsome? It’s that really the best you could come up with?” Gintoki scoffed, whispering. “Of course Gin-san is handosme, but how about you say something like ‘Oh, he was like an angel that fell from heaven’.” He said, faking a higher lovestruck voice.
Toshirou glared at him. “Shut up.” He whispered. “You were no better. Hot? If you’re going to lie, come up with something better.”
“Who said I lied?” Gintoki muttered.
“Wha-”
Toshirou was once again interrupted by the crowd laughing out loud. “Oh, that’s certainly embarrassing! And you still went out with him, dear?” Tamo-san said laughing.
The girl from couple Number 7 nodded sheepishly. “I thought it was cute.”
Toshirou tried to ignore Gintoki the rest of the round while Gintoki picked his nose with a bored face. He is obviously just trying to mess with his mind, but Toshirou is not going to let him. As if he would ever believe Gintoki finds him hot.
“Alright! Now that every couple had their turn, our judges are going to give us the results! Now starting from Couple Number 1! What is their result?!” The old man raised one sign that said 4. “Oh, that doesn’t look very encouraging!” Tamo-sam with an awkward smile. “Now let’s see the result for Couple Number 2!” The kid raised a sign and Toshirou gaped at it. “Wow! A perfect 10! Well, it’s not surprise! Their love story was quite interesting, right guys?!” Tamo-san turned to the audience who cheered in affirmation. “Now let’s see the results of Couple Number 3!”
“What the-” Toshirou mumbled and then turned to Gintoki who still looked bored and not at all shocked by this. “Did you bribe the judges?” he asked.
Gintoki turned to glare at him. “Hah?! And with what money would I do that?”
Toshirou huffed and turned to Tamo-san. “A 9! So far Couple Number 7 and Couple Number 2 are leading the scoreboard, let’s see Couple Number 8’s score!”
Toshirou turned to look at the TV screen behind them where the scores were showing. So far Gintoki and him were winning with their perfect 10. Couple Number 7 was next with a 9. The rest of the couples were under 7. He saw the last 3 couple’s scores appear, none of them reached above 8. This left Gintoki and him as the winners of this round.
“Alright! So we have the 5 couples that are moving to the next round!” Tamo-san said. “First we have Couple Number 2 with their perfect score, followed closely by Couple Number 7. Couples Number 5, 9 and 10 are the other couples that passed the first round! The remaining couples have to leave the stage.”
The other five couples left and Toshirou watched them leave in shock, unable to believe Gintoki and him not only managed to pass the first round, but also that they got the best score out of all these real couples.
“Now, we’re going to see how well you know your lover by giving you a couple of questions in which your lover has to answer correctly!” He passed Gintoki and Toshirou a small whiteboard and a black marker. “Now, Hijikata-san, please take a question from this bowl, but do not show it to us yet. Write your answer first.”
Toshirou did as asked and saw the question. ‘Favorite Food’ Toshirou sighed in relief. Gintoki knew this.
He wrote down his answer and then handed the slip of paper to Tamo-san. “Favorite Food. What’s the answer, Sakata-san?”
“Mayonnaise.” He said calmly.
“Mayonnaise?!” Tamo-san exclaimed, surprised. “What an odd answer. Now, if you could please show us your answer, Hijikata-san.” Toshirou turned around the whiteboard showing how he had clearly written MAYONNAISE in big bold letters. “Oh, I guess that’s a point for Couple Number 2! Now it’s Hijikata-san’s turn to answer.”
Toshirou watched nervously as Gintoki pulled out a piece of paper from the bowl. He could clearly see his disinterested stare slip for a second, turning into a worried one before going back into a blank face as he wrote down his answer. Toshirou fidgeted nervously. He wasn’t sure what the question had been, but it seems like it’s something he wouldn’t know by Gintoki’s reaction. They are going to fail this and it’s going to be Toshirou’s fault and Gintoki will never let him live it down.
Gintoki handed Tamo-san the question and he read it out loud. “Birthday.” Tamo-san said. “So? When is Sakata-san’s birthday, Hijikata-san?”
Toshirou frowned, confused. “That’s it? I thought it was going to be a harder question.” He mumbled under his breath.
“Sorry?” Tamo-san said, confused. “I’m afraid I didn’t hear you.”
“Ah, I mean October 10th.” Toshirou said confidently.
“Sakata-san?” Tamo-san asked. Gintoki turned the whiteboard around showing a 10/10 on it. “October 10th! Another point for Couple Number 2! Now let’s go to Couple Number 5!”
Gintoki handed the next couple the whiteboard and then turned to Toshirou. “How do you know my birthday?”
Toshirou frowned. “We have known each other for years, of course I know your birthday.” He will never admit out loud that he had seen it in Gintoki’s files. “I invited you for a drink on your last birthday, remember?” He muttered, a little ashamed of hismelf for bringing it up.
Gintoki frowned. “I thought you just did that because I insisted.”
“Well… that too, but… well, I did owe you a drink, didn’t I?” He muttered, looking away from him. “And when would be a better time to invite you to a drink than on your birthday.” He mumbled.
Luckily, before he could further embarass himself, Tamo-san’s voice interrupted their conversation. “Well, with Couples Number 5 and 10 having more than one mistake we can move on to the next round with Couples Number 2, 7 and 9!”
Toshirou stared shokedly at the Couples 5 and 10 leave the stage. How did Gintoki and him get so far in a couple’s contest?
“Now for the next round!” Tamo-san said. “We’re passing Couple Number 2 three paddles each. One with Hijikata-san’s name, other with Sakata-san’s and the last one with BOTH written in them. I’m going to ask a series of questions and you both have to show the paddle you think it’s best. But no peeking at what the other is showing. You have to agree with your answers without looking.” Tamo-san handed them the paddles and made them sit with their backs to each other. Toshirou became worried because he couldn’t see Gintoki’s face so he wouldn’t be able to tell what he was going to answer. “Now first question!” He took a question from a different bowl than the last one. “Which one of you is the most hardworking of the two?” He asked. Toshirou sighed in relief. This one was easy. He raised the one with his own name in it. He hoped Gintoki was not being an idiot and answered thruthfully. “Oh! It seems Hijikata-san is the most hardworking of the two! And that’s a point for Couple Number 2! Next question!” He took another question as Toshirou relaxed a little. “Which one is the most likely one to get arrested?!” Toshirou huffed amusedly and raised the one with Gintoki’s name. “Oh! Even Sakata-san seems to agree to this! I’m sensing a story here!” The audience giggled. “Next question! Which one is the one topping during bed time?! If you know what I mean!” Tamo-san said jokingly.
“What?!” Toshirou exclaimed, face turning red. And just when he was starting to think this was easy. “I’m not answering that!”
“Free mayonnaise.” Gintoki growled behind his back.
Toshirou clicked his tongue. He turned to look at the three paddles indecisive. It’s not like he knows what Gintoki is going to answer. They haven’t actually done it so he wouldn’t know. What would Gintoki answer? Knowing him he would say he tops, but like hell is Toshirou going to admit to all these people that he is the bottom in this relationship. He stared at the last paddle and with a sigh raised the one saying BOTH, knowing they were losing this point anyway because surely Gintoki said he tops.
Goodbye, free mayonnai-
“Oh! So you two switch, huh?” Tamo-san asked with a chuckle. “Seems like Couple Number 2 once again got all the points! Now let’s go with Couple Number 7!”
Toshirou turned to Gintoki with his mouth hanging open. “You-”
Gintoki shrugged. “I could tell you would never admit you like to bottom.” He said casually.
Toshirou spluttered. “Who says I would bottom if we-”
“And once again Couple Number 7 answered all their questions correctly!” Tamo-san interrupted. “Couples Number 2 qand 7 are really neck and neck in this competition! Isn’t that exciting, guys?!” He asked the audience who cheered. “Now let’s see Couple Number 9!”
Toshirou watched Couple Number 9 answer the questions with a frown. They didn’t agree on the last one (which was a dirty question too, so at least Toshirou knew they weren’t the only couple who got one of those).
“Now with Couple Number 9 out of the game we can get to the final round!” Tamo-san exclaimed. “This round is easy! Just show the audience and the judges your love for each other with a kiss!”
“What?!” Toshirou exclaimed.
He was ignored. “Now, you have a minute to show us your love! Go!” Tamo-san said.
Before Toshirou could complain he heard a whisper. “Just think of your precious mayonnaise.” And then Gintoki’s lips were on his.
Toshirou’s eyes widened and his first instinct was to shove Gintoki off him, but he saw Gintoki’s eyes glaring at him and he sighed into the kiss, closing his eyes and kissing Gintoki back.
It started slow and chaste, their lips barely touching, but then Gintoki deepened the kiss, tilting his head to the side and licking Toshirou’s lower lip. Toshirou opened his mouth to allow Gintoki’s tongue inside as he let himself get immersed into the kiss. Gintoki’s hands went to his waist, pulling him closer and Toshirou’s hand went to Gintoki’s hair, messing with his curls.
Before he realized it, Tamo-san’s voice was heard through the shouts and cheers of the audience. “Sakata-san! Hijikata-san! I think that’s enough!” He said, chuckling awkwardly. “You two already proved your love!”
Toshirou stepped away from Gintoki with a blush, looking away from him. Gintoki, on the other hand, seemed way too calm for what they just did with all this audience.
“Now let’s see what the judges have to say!” Tamo-san said. “Who is the winner of this competition?!”
The judges were talking between each other before all three nodded and turned around to see Tamo-san. “The winners are Couple Number 2! For their passionate love!” The old man said.
“You heard it from Judge Musashi, guys! Couple Number 2 is the winner!” Tamo-san cheered.
Everyone else cheered. Toshirou sighed with relief. Now he didn’t have to continue with this farce and he got free mayonnaise. “Now, you both get a month's supply of Apollo chocolate and Mayorin mayonnaise!” Toshirou smiled at this. At least he got free mayonnaise for a month to make it up for all the embarrassment he had to go through. “We will be seeing both of you here till White Day for your prizes!”
Toshirou frowned, confused. “What?!”
“Yes!” Tamo-san said. “You two have to come here together for your prizes everyday! But if you two break up in the meantime then the deal is off and there will be no more free chocolates or mayonnaise!” He turned around to the crowd. “Now let’s all cheer for Couple Number 2!”
As everyone else cheered Toshirou turned to glare murderously at Gintoki.
“Yo-ro-zu-ya!” He growled.
Gintoki was grimacing. “Guess I’m seeing you tomorrow?” He said awkwardly, for the first time since this competition started looking actually nervous.
Toshirou wanted to kill him, but he still wanted that free mayonnaise. “Fine. But as soon as I get my free mayonnaise I’m never talking to you again.” He huffed, crossing his arms with a glare.
“Yeah, yeah. Just don’t ruin this for us, Mayora.” Gintoki growled.
What neither of them knew was that this was a televised competition.
Toshirou walked back to the barracks as he slurped his free mayonnaise bottle, he tried not to think of the events of that day. A part of him already regrets agreeing to help Gintoki with the competition, but the other part was happily enjoying his free mayonnaise. He was pissed because not only did he embarassed himself in front of all those people, but he also because he now has to continue acting as Gintoki’s boyfriend till White Day to get his free mayonnaise.
At least Gintoki agreed to not tell anyone about this deal.
“Toshi!” Kondo’s shout was the first thing he heard once he stepped foot inside the barracks. “I’m so happy for you!” He said hugging him. “Why didn’t you tell me before?!”
Toshirou frowned, confused. “What are you talking about, Kondo-san?” He asked.
Kondo pulled away, holding Toshirou’s shoulders with his hands with a firm grip, with a smile on his face. “Why didn’t you tell me you’re dating Gin-san?!”
Toshirou gaped at him. “What?!” He exclaimed. “I’m not!” He blushed.
Kondo shook his head. “You don’t have to keep hiding it, Toshi. We all saw.”
“Saw?” Toshirou looked around, seeing a bunch of officers gathering around them. Yamazaki and Sougo between the onlookers. Sougo had a smug grin. “Wha-what did you see?” He asked nervously.
“We all saw you and Danna win a couples competition, Hijikata-san.” Sougo said smugly. “We already knew you were a homo for Danna, but we didn’t know it was reciprocated.” He mocked.
“Shut up! That’s not-!” Toshirou stopped, frowning. “Wait. But I didn’t see any of you there.” He muttered.
“Didn’t you know, Toshi?” Kondo asked with a confused smile. “You were on TV! The competition was televised.”
“What?!!” Toshrou shouted. “Ugh! I’m going to kill that stupid perm head!” He swore.
“You can’t say that about your loving boyfriend, Hijikata-san. What would Danna feel if he heard you?” Sougo asked mockingly.
“We’re not boyfriends!” Toshirou shouted. “We were just faking it to win a month's supply of free mayonnaise and chocolate!” He exclaimed.
Kondo rolled his eyes. “Toshi, don’t lie. We all know you and Gin-san have liked each other for years. I’m more surprised you revealed your relationship on live television before telling me.” He pouted. “You could have told me, Toshi.”
Toshirou stared at him with a mix of embarrassment and shock. “We’re not dating! That was a lie!”
“If it was a lie then how did you two win over other real couples?” Sougo asked, smirking.
Toshirou hesitated. “We were lucky?” He said hesitantly.
Sougo snorted. “Just stop denying it. We all know you like Danna.”
Everyone nodded at Sougo’s words. Toshirou glared at all of them with rage. “Seppuku! Seppuku for all of you!” He said, unsheating his sword. “Yorozuya and I are not a thing! How dare you think we are?!”
In the end, he wasn’t able to convince any of them of the truth. Though, he is pretty sure Sougo knows he is telling the truth, but he is just messing with him and making everyone believe Gintoki and Toshirou are actually dating.
He will have to kill Gintoki for causing all of this.
When Gintoki received a flyer the day before Valentine’s Day about a couples competition that gave away free chocolate and free mayonnaise his first thought was to participate with Toshirou as his fake lover. It’s not because he likes him or anything but who else would want free mayonnaise? And Gintoki didn’t intend to share his free chocolate. So Toshirou was the best and only option.
He made the impulsive decision of signing them up for the competition that exact moment before even talking with the Mayora.
And the day of the competition he realized he may have fucked up. What if he didn’t see him in time to convince him to join the competition with him? What if he refused to participate? He knows about Toshirou’s patrol schedule enough to know he is supposed to patrol around this area on that day, unless, of course, the workaholic decided to take a day off for Valentine’s Day.
But Gintoki was confident that that would never happen, not even if the Mayora actually had a lover. Though he hoped he didn’t. Not because he likes him or anything, just because it would make asking him to join the competition with him even more awkward.
As he predicted, Toshirou was patrolling around the store just in time for the competition to start and Gintoki used all his Hijikata Manipulation Skills to convince him to join him. He tried to hide the fact that he was nervous as fuck during it. Partly because he didn’t know if they were going to be convincing enough to win the free food. Partly because they didn’t have time to come up with a fake love history. Partly because he had to act all lovey dovey with his rival.
However, when the competition started and they were asked how they met it was easy to just go along with it. He didn’t even have to lie to get them in the first place. Yes, he tought Toshirou was hot when he had him standing over him with a sword and a murderous look that first time they met, though at the moment he was too busy trying to survive the attack to do anything about his attraction to the officer.
He doesn’t know what Toshirou really felt that day. Whether he actually thought Gintoki was handsome or not. Gintoki knows he is handsome, the perks of being the protagonist and all that, but he doesn’t know if Toshirou would think that as well. He wants to think he didn’t lie.
It seemed the judges liked their explosive first meeting enough to get them in first place in the first round. So when the second round started Gintoki hoped they could make it to the final.
And the question about Toshirou’s favorite food was easy to answer, but when he saw the question Toshirou had to answer he panicked. He had never told the officer his birthday. He has never been the type to celebrate his birthdays. He hasn’t even told the kids, though he is pretty sure they somehow know because they always give him a sugary treat on that day. Probably thanks to Otose’s or Katsura’s intervention, the only ones that actually know his birthday and that he doesn’t like celebrating it.
When Toshirou actually knew the answer he was surprised, but he was even more surprised when the officer admitted he had purposely invited Gintoki drinks on his last birthday. He is not sure how he knows, though he doesn’t really care. What he really cared about was that Toshirou actually did something for him for his birthday. He celebrated it with him in his own way. In the way Gintoki would have wanted. Without a big spectacle, just a quiet night with good alcohol and pleasant company.
That made his chest feel warm.
They passed the second round easily. So in the third round he was even more confident in their success. The questions were easy enough. Toshirou is obviously the workaholic between the two. Gintoki has been arrested far too many times to count and in some of those times it had been Toshirou doing the arresting.
When the last question came he doubted for a second before raising the BOTH sign. He thought Toshirou would never admit to bottom in a relationship even if he actually did. Gintoki also would never admit to being the bottom. But, to be honest, Gintoki wouldn’t mind doing the bottoming from time to time.
He did say Toshirou looks hot when he’s over him.
They also passed that round. So in the final round when they were asked to kiss in front of everyone he didn’t doubt. He was so close to getting his free chocolate. And kissing Toshirou was not so bad. In the end it turned out Toshirou was a good kisser.
He noticed the timer going off, but he didn’t stop kissing Toshirou and Toshirou didn’t pull away either. It was a good kiss, he can admit that. And if it’s going to be his only chance at kissing one of the hottest Gintama characters then he was going to make the most of it.
It was only after Tamo-san asked them to stop that they pulled away from the kiss. And with that they won the competition. Gintoki felt like it had been too easy. It almost felt like he cheated on the test. Well, technically they cheated, but that’s not what he meant.
How is it that they know each other so well that they can successfully pull off being a couple?
When Tamo-San said they would have to come every day together for their free food, Gintoki was not surprised. The flyer said something like that, though it hadn’t been quite as clear. He hoped the Mayora was enough of a mayo freak to agree to act as his fake lover for the next month. And Gintoki was more than willing to act as Toshirou’s boyfriend if it meant getting free chocolate.
So after convincing the Mayora to continue the act for the next month, Gintoki walked happily to his place eating free chocolate. What greeted him upon arriving was not so pleasant.
“You and Toshi/Hijikata-san are dating?!” Both Kagura and Shinpachi yelled as soon as he stepped into Yorozuya Gin-Chan.
He choked on his chocolate. “What?!” He shook his head. “No! No! Where did you get that idea?!” He asked, panicked.
Shinpachi pointed at the TV. “We saw it on the TV! You were in a couples competition with him and won!” He said.
Gintoki paled. “It was on TV?!”
Why did no one tell them they were on TV?!
Both kids nodded. “We even recorded it, yes?” Kagura said enthusiastically. “I didn’t know Gin-chan was dating someone! Why didn’t you tell us before?! I want to meet my new Earth step-mami!”
Gintoki choked again. “What?! No! We’re not dating!” He shook his head. “It was just an act to get free food!”
Shinpachi looked at him in disbelief. “Then how did you manage to win against 9 other couples?” Gintoki was unable to get an answer to that. “It’s clear it was real. That kiss certainly looked real.” Both Shinpachi and Gintoki’s cheeks turned slightly pink at the mention of the kiss. “You don’t have to lie, Gin-san. We support your relationship with Hijikata-san.” He said
Kagura nodded. “Yeah! Toshi isn’t that bad, yes? He is nice for a cop!” She said.
Gintoki gaped at her. “What are you saying?! You’re grounded for even daring to say Hijikata-kun’s not that bad! He is a rotten tax thief!” He screeched.
Kagura rolled her eyes. “You are the one making out with a cop, Gin-chan.”
Gintoki felt the words getting stuck to his throat. “I-”
“It’s fine, Gin-san. We understand that it’s hard to come out, but we fully support you no matter who you want to date.” Shinpachi said softly.
Gintoki would have been endeared by it if it had been any other situation. “Either way, Hijikata-kun and I are not actually dating. It was really just for the competition.” He mumbled.
Both kids rolled his eyes. “Yeah, right.” Both said sarcastically.
“We know you have liked Toshi for a long time, Gin-chan.” Kagura said and Gintoki choked again. By the time this conversation was over he would have choked to death. Though, death wasn’t sounding so bad at this moment. “You always make googly eyes when he’s not looking, yes?”
“What?!” Gintoki screeched. “Of course I don’t!!” He shouted with a shrill voice.
Shinpachi snorted, amused. “I’m glad you two finally decided to make your relationship public. It was getting awkward to see both of you pining after each other.” He said and Gintoki gaped at him. “Why don’t you invite Hijikata-san over for tea. I would like to speak to him as your partner.” Gintoki was sure he was dying here.
“Or you can convince Toshi to take us to get yakiniku! He has money, yes?! He can pay for us as Gin-chan’s lover!” Kagura exclaimed enthusiastically. “Now we get a rich mami!”
“Who are you calling mami?! Hijikata-kun is no one’s mami!” Gintoki shouted.
“But you’re my Earth papi, Gin-chan, so that makes Toshi my Earth mami!” Kagura said happily.
Gintoki shook his head. His thoughts were all messed up. “As if he would ever want or be a decent mami!” He shouted.
“Well, he would be more responsible than you, Gin-san.” Shinpachi said jokingly.
“And he actually has a decent paying job.” Kagura added. “It’s good that Gin-chan is now dating Toshi, yes?”
“I’m not dating him!!” Gintoki shouted. Neither looked convinced. “I’m not!!”
In the end, he wasn’t able to convince them.
When Toshirou finished his shift on the 15th, he went to meet Gintoki a block away from the store with a scowl already in his face. Gintoki was already waiting, impatiently tapping his foot with his arms crossed. But impatience wasn’t the only thing on his face, Gintoki was clearly nervous. This surprised Toshirou since the perm head hadn’t looked nervous during the competition the day before, but now he is.
While he is also nervous at having to act as Gintoki’s boyfriend again, this shouldn’t be as bad as what happened the day before, where they had to answer more intrusive questions and make up lies on the spot. Now, at most they just have to hold hands (and maybe kiss, if he is really unlucky), but it can’t be as bad as having to answer who is the top in their relationship.
“Hey…” Toshirou said, coming to stand in front of Gintoki. Gintoki flinched before turning to stare at him with dead fish eyes in what was obviously an attepmt to hide his nerves. “What’s up with you?” He asked, annoyed.
“Kagura and Shinpachi found out about… us…” He mumbled, before looking away.
“Ah…” The glare returned to Toshirou’s face. “Let me guess. They saw it on TV?” He was seriously hoping to forget that. His killing intent returned just at the worst time. Couldn't Gintoki remind him how much he currently hates his existence until after he got his free mayonnaise? “C’mon. I have to get my mayonnaise before I kill you.” He growled, turning to the direction of the store.
“Oi! Why would you kill me? After I got you free mayo?!” Gintoki growled following him.
“Why?!” Toshirou glared at him. “You humiliated me in front of the entirety of Edo! Now all the Shinsengumi think I’m actually dating you!” He shouted.
Gintoki scowled. “Oi, Gin-san is also the victim here. How would I have known we were being televised?”
“You were the one who read the damn flyer! My only mistake was to trust you!” Toshirou shouted and Gintoki flinched. Toshirou sighed, closing his eyes briefly. “C’mon, I don’t want to be seen with you for longer than necessary.” He mumbled.
Gintoki hesitantly took his hand and Toshirou turned to glare at him. “We have to continue the act.” Gintoki said stoically.
Toshirou clicked his tongue, but held Gintoki’s hand back. “I hope this month passes quickly.” He muttered.
About 15 minutes later, they were finally able to let go of their hands, both with their respective free food. They had to tolerate a bunch of patrons and the store cashier gushing after them since they had seen the competition and thought they looked cute together, which they had to pretend to agree to. But once they were far away from the store enough to not be seen, they let go of their hands with equal sneers.
“You better tell Kondo-san and the rest we’re not actually a thing.” Toshirou said.
“Only after you tell Kagura and Shinpachi that.” Gintoki scoffed.
“I asked you first.” Toshirou growled.
“And I asked you second!” Gintoki huffed.
“Ugh! I’ll go to yorozuya right now and tell them if you go to the Shinsengumi and tell them too.” Toshirou negotiated.
Gintoki scoffed. “Fine!” He said. “But you better convince them. Gin-san is such a good actor that those little brats actually think I would ever like you.” Then he froze, eyes widening. “Wait, better idea. How about I go with you to tell those brats?” He said, suddenly nervous. “They can be pretty hard to convince. Let’s just cooperate on this, yes, Hijikata-kun?” He said almost pleadingly.
Toshirou rolled his eyes. “Fine. But you better come to the Shinsengumi with me next time.” He said.
Gintoki nodded stiffly. “Sure, sure.”
“Then let’s go, Yorozuya. I dont have all day.” Toshirou said, going straight to Yorozuya Gin-chan with Gintoki following closely behind, fidgeting all the way.
Why was he suddenly acting so nervous?
Gintoki’s legs were fidgeting, his arms crossed, his dead fish eyes staring up at the corner of the room. He was too nervous to even pretend to not be nervous and he was once again regretting every single life choice he has ever made that has gotten him to this moment. Toshirou was sitting next to him with a scowl, arms crossed over his chest and foot tapping onto the tatami floor impatiently as Shinpachi served them tea with a pleasant smile.
“So… what do you want to tell us, Hijikata-san?” Shinpachi said pleasantly as he sat in front of them by Kagura’s side.
“I heard you two saw that stupid competition yesterday.” Toshirou said with a scowl.
Shinpachi nodded, but before anyone else could talk, Kagura spoke up enthusiastically. “We saw everything, Toshi!” She exclaimed. “Does that mean you’re now my Earth mami?!”
Toshirou spluttered. “What?! No! What?!” He shook his head. “What the hell is that?!” He shook his head again. “No. I came here to tell you that it was all fake. We-”
“You don’t have to lie, Hijikata-san. We’re both happy for you and Gin-san.” Shinpachi said smiling. Kagura nodded. “We have been waiting for so long for this.”
Toshirou frowned. “What?” He mumbled as Gintoki tensed up. “Why would you-”
“Ah, you stupid brats! I told you you got everything wrong!” Gintoki exclaimed. “This idiot and I are not actually a couple. We don’t like each other at all!”
Toshirou briefly glared at him for calling him idiot, but then he nodded. “Yeah. That was all a misundersatnding.” He said.
Shinpachi and Kagura shook their heads. “It’s fine. Now that we know about your relationship, you don’t have to keep pretending to hate each other.” Shinpachi said.
“Yeah! There’s no way you can continue hiding your love for each other now!” Kagura exclaimed.
“What love?! There is no love here!” Gintoki screeched, ears turning pink.
“China, Glasses, this guy and I are really not like that.” Toshirou gruffed out, clearly losing his patience.
Both kids rolled their eyes. “Yeah, right.” Kagura said. “Just try not to make out in front of my innocent eyes. I don’t want to puke on you, yes?”
Shinpachi nodded. “Yeah, I would also prefer if both of you kept the PDA to the minimum.”
Toshirou facepalmed as Gintoki groaned loudly. “We are not dating!!” They both shouted simultaneously.
In the end, nothing they said convinced either of the kids, so an exasperated Toshirou left the place with a huff. Gintoki followed, too angry to be left alone with the kids right now.
“Why do your brats keep insisting we’re a thing?” Toshirou growled as he walked down the stairs, pulling a pack of cigarettes with a frown.
Gintoki bit his lip, nervous. “Because they are idiots, obviously.” He said, looking away.
“And why do they suddenly like me so much?” Toshirou continued. “Shouldn’t they be telling you to date someone else?”
Gintoki huffed. “They are idiots. That’s why they’re pairing me up with the worst possible option.” Toshirou briefly glared at him, before turning back around. “Are we going to your place to tell your idiots we’re not actually a thing?” Gintoki asked.
Toshirou sighed heavily. “I’m not sure I can handle more idiots right now. I'm already about to kill you, Yorozuya.” Gintoki glared at him, offended. “I'm only letting you live for now because of my free mayonnaise.”
Gintoki huffed angrily. “Then, tomorrow?” He asked. “After we collect our prize? Or do you want those idiots to continue to think we’re dating?”
“Whatever.” Toshirou huffed. “Guess I’ll be seeing you tomorrow, unfortunately.” He grumbled and left.
Gintoki huffed, and then turned around to go to an izakaya and drink his feelings away as he tended to do.
“Back from your date with Danna already, Hijikata-san?” Sougo said as soon as Toshirou stepped a foot inside the barracks. “I thought you two would be fucking by now.”
Toshirou glared at him. “You well know this is all just a big misunderstanding. Don’t pretend otherwise.” He growled.
Sougo smirked at him. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Hijikata-san. I only know that you’re a big homo for Danna.”
Toshirou growled. “I’m not, dammit!” He shouted and then pushed his way past Sougo and went straight to his room.
The next day went on just like the previous one, but now Gintoki was sitting in the Shinsengumi’s meeting hall next to Toshirou, while practically everyone in the Shinsengumi sat around them.
“So that’s what happened.” Gintoki finished explaining how the whole misunderstanding began. “We’re not actually dating, we just did it for the free food.”
“So… what you’re saying is that you learned about the competition and your first thought was to ask Hijikata-san, Danna?” Sougo asked with a smirk.
Gintoki spluttered, face becoming red. “No! Well- It’s not like that! I mean- who else would want free mayo, huh?!”
Toshirou sighed exasperated. “Either way, we’re not dat-”
“It’s fine, Danna. We know you two just took the chance to come out to everyone in a quick and efficient way on TV.” Sougo continued.
“No! We didn’t!” Both shouted.
“Ah, Toshi. I get it now.” Kondo said, nodding. “Sougo is right. It’s faster to come out to everyone if you do it on live TV.” He grinned. “Maybe I should confess my feelings to Otae-san on TV so that everyone knows too.”
“Please don’t.” Toshirou groaned.
“Don’t worry, Hijikata-san.” Yamazaki smiled at him kindly. “We support your relationship with Danna!” He said encouragingly. Everyone else nodded.
“Seppuku! It’s seppuku for all of you!” Toshirou shouted, grabbing his sword and swinging it around. “Why don’t you get it?! We’re not dating!”
In the end, this was also a disaster and Gintoki and Toshirou were not able to convince anyone of the truth.
“Ugh, what are we supposed to do now?” Toshirou grumbled, smoking a cigarette just outside the barracks with Gintoki on his side, eating a lollipop. “No one believes that we’re not actually dating.”
Gintoki sighed tiredly. “How about we just… let them?” He mumbled.
Toshirou stared at him with an eyebrow raised. “Let them what? Continue to believe we’re dating?” He asked incredulously.
“Yeah.” Gintoki shrugged desinterestedly. “We both know it’s just a farce, so I don’t see the problem.”
Toshirou hummed, frowning. “I guess you’re right.” He sighed. “All of them are idiots that won’t believe us either way.”
Gintoki nodded. “Yeah, so let's just act like usual and just pretend to be dating to get our free food.” Toshirou nodded. “And in a month we can publicly break up or something and everyone will stop bothering us.”
“That… actually seems like a good idea.” Toshirou muttered as Gintoki nodded. “Eventually they’ll get tired of insisting we’re a thing and they’ll leave us alone.”
Gintoki nodded. “Yeah, so let’s just meet for our rewards and pretend the other doesn’t exist the rest of the time.”
“Sure. It’s a deal.” Toshirou said, smiling relieved.
However, less than 24 hours later, Toshirou found himself sitting in a booth right next to Gintoki in a restaurant. Kagura and Shinpachi sitting in front of them, enjoying the food that Toshirou will undoubtedly have to pay for.
“Why am I even here?” Toshirou grumbled, squeezing onto his food some of his free mayo that he had just picked up mere minutes ago. “We agreed to only meet for our rewards, Yorozuya.”
“Don’t look at me.” Gintoki grumbled beside him, but still shoved a spoonful of food into his mouth. “Look at those idiots.” They both looked at the kids happily enjoying their meals. “They’re the ones that pushed us in here.” He shoved more food into his mouth. “I couldn’t even begin to enjoy my free chocolate before those brats came pushing me in here.”
“You know we can hear you, right, Gin-san?” Shinpachi said stoically.
“And it’s obvious why we’re here.” Kagura said. “As Gin-chan’s boyfriend we should start spending more time with Toshi, yes?”
“What?!” Both Gintoki and Toshirou spluttered.
“Yeah, Gin-san is like family so that means you’re now part of the Yorozuya family as well, Hijikata-san.” Shinpachi said kindly.
Toshirou would have felt endeared by it if this was a completely different circumstance. “But we’re not dating!” He exclaimed.
“How many times do we have to repeat that, brats?” Gintoki said tiredly. “As if I would want this Mayora as part of the family.”
Toshirou briefly glared at him. “Yeah, and I already got the Shinsengumi.”
“Oh, don’t worry about that.” Shinpachi said dismissively. “We know the Shinsengumi is important to you, Hijikata-san. We can just all become a big happy family.”
“Yeah! And Gin-chan is the stay-at-home papi and Toshi is the mami that pays for stuff!” Kagura said enthusiastically. “And I’m gonna be the cute daughter and Patsuan can be the virgin otaku cousin!”
Shinpachi glared at her with a mix of embarrassment and anger. “Why am I the virgin otaku?!” He shouted angrily.
Kagura rolled her eyes. “Because you are one, duh!” She said.
Gintoku gulped down the last bite of his food and then turned to stare stoically at the kids. “You’re right. Hijikata-kun should be the loving mother that pays the bills while Gin-san is the stay-at-home father. You’re a genius, Kagura-chan. You’re really your parents’ pride and joy.” He said in a completely impassive tone.
“Oi! What the hell?!” Toshirou exclaimed.
Kagura grinned widely. “Yeah! I’m the best daughter a couple of idiots like you two could get!”
“Oi!” Both exclaimed at the same time.
Toshirou turned to glare at Gintoki. “Yorozuya, say something to her!”
Gintoki clicked his tongue. “Sadaharu is now our favorite. You can go with Patsuan to the club of unwanted kids.”
“What?!”
Kagura gasped, offended. “Gin-chan! How dare you?!” She stood up and punched him. “Toshi, you won’t replace me as your favorite daughter, will you?!” She stared at him with tears in her eyes.
Toshirou watched between the three yorozuyas in shock. Beside a teary Kagura, Shinpachi looked as if he was debating whether to laugh or get angry along with her. Gintoki on the other hand was clutching his bleeding nose in his hands.
“Are you all crazy?” Toshirou muttered. “I’m no one's mother.” She pouted so Toshirou had to look away. “Yorozuya and I are really not dating. You're making this more complicated than it needs to be.”
“We understand if your relationship is still new, Hijikata-san.” Shinpachi said calmly. “And I’m sorry if we’re making you feel uncomfortable, it’s just… Gin-san means a lot to us and this is the first time we see him date someone so we want to get closer to you too. For him.”
Toshirou gaped at him as Kagura nodded. “When mami died and papi and Kamui left…” Kagura muttered, sniffing. “I felt really alone for a long time, but now Gin-chan is my Earth papi and now Toshi can be my Earth mami.”
“Dammit, brats…” Gintoki said, pinching his bleeding nose between two fingers. “What are you saying?”
“This is your fault for encouraging them.” Toshirou muttered, glaring at him. He took a deep breath. “Fine, alright. You can call me mami or whatever. But that doesn’t mean I’m dating this idiot!” He said pointing at Gintoki.
“Yay!” Kagura exclaimed and then reached from over the table to hug Toshirou tightly. “Welcome to the family, Toshi!” She yelled into his ear.
Toshirou winced both from the pain her hug inflicted and the loud yelling in his ear. “What did I just agree to?” He asked, distraught.
“You just agreed to indulge this bottomless food bank, Mayora.” Gintoki said next to him in sympathy. “I hope you have money saved because she is going to eat your wallet dry.”
As if to agree with the perm head, the waitress arrived with the check, placing it in front of him with a smile. “Your total is 15,000 yen.” She said pleasantly as she took away the 10 empty dishes that Kagura had asked for.
“Welcome to the family, babe!” Gintoki said obnoxiously, batting his eyelashes with a mocking grin.
“Fuck.” Toshirou growled.