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A ticking time bomb. Chewing at the bottom lip. Biting of finger nails. You knew he's only with you to chase a sense of belonging to someone. Ever since the departure of his own soulmate to a far away place that he could never reach.
You knew you were just a replacement. And you're fine with it. Because you care about him dearly. You don't want to see him alone. He cannot function alone. He only ever knew the warmth of intimacy and bond between two souls. So when it's gone, ripped away from his fingers, then gosh darn how could he ever deal with himself.
You couldn't bear to see him in such state. Hurting and blaming himself. Falling deeper into his own dark psyche that kept spiraling, colder and meaner. So you tried to pick him up. Obviously, in your own way. You wouldn't dare to copy the bond he once shared before. That would just be putting salt in the wound.
He still loves exploring and adventures. Only this time it's something uglier and more personal. Literally. Pressing the boundaries of normalcy and insanity. He felt like being choked by his sorrow, so you would do it for actuality, until his face becomes blueish while his toes curled around your waist. He felt like jumping from the second floor so you would dropkick him onto a rather hard mattress over and over until he couldn't stand up from the sore and bruises he would suffer all over his body. He felt like drowning himself to silence his pain, so you would push his head into a tub filled with warm water, because at that time it would be winter and you wouldn't want him to catch a cold from getting his head dunked into icy water.
He felt like hurting himself, so you would stop him and instead you would do it for him. He sometimes lets you do it however you want (aren't you lucky?). He didn't really flinch when you bite his wrist and leave bruises all over it, did he? Or when he complained that he didn't really want any visible signs of him doing these things, so you took advantage of it by asking him to show you his bare chest, just for you to ogle and molest, leaving hurtful bite marks that could be easily hidden under the shirt, just so he would be satisfied.
You learned you could only enable. You never knew how to properly reject someone before, added you don't really understand how to cheer up a clearly depressed friend. So you let him ruin himself with you. And he would feel fine, since he could always blame it all on you, because technically you're doing this to him rather almost cheerfully, to put it to words. Usually, everyone else would be concerned, but here you are allowing him to use you as his own personal toy for him to either keep wallowing in his own sadness, or, like he always claimed, a venting place for him to slowly get over it. You still wonder to this day which one is the truth.
"Nobi-kun, I think you should....-"
You couldn't even finish your sentence before he turned to you with fear flashing across his face. How many time have you tried to have this talk with him, trying to be the logical person that you are, only to be met with pitiful eyes that you couldn't say no to? Sad, useless, lonely eyes that would definitely start to water if you ever suggested for you two to stop whatever fucked up shit you two are doing.
"...Nevermind." you could only bitterly say with a forced smile.
That's all you could do. You lack the spine to actually help him. Maybe in fact you actually enjoy the twisted intimacy you two shared. After all, you've always wanted to know what it feels like to be intimate. To share an actual deep bond with someone of your peer. Your personal, private, innermost, deep-seated, ugly bond that could only be tolerated by the two of you. You feel special for it. Never before in history in your life. Maybe it won't ever happen again in the span of your very short and boring life. It's thrilling when your fingers are ghosting against the silhouette of his body. It's intoxicating when he lets your digits roam freely, tracing the in-betweens of his ribcage. It's downright perversion, when your hand runs through his hair, to pull on it before slamming his face against the cold hard floor, because he asked you to. And when the wind left his lungs, he coughed out and meekly called out your name;
"...D- *cough* *cough* -Dekisugi-kun...-!"
You would then lean down and clean up his tears and the blood that ran down his nose with gentle, kisses, because he allowed you to.
How addicting.
But what would you do if he ever got bored? If he ever asked to stop the bullshit tango you two have been dancing? Will you respect his decision and stop? Will you distance yourself from him and leave him the fuck alone to actually go back to being a normal guy, with normal life and friends? Or is the addiction unbearable to you, that you have been pulled down by his antics, deeper and deeper, like a hopeless junkie who couldn't bear the thought of getting sober?
Maybe then you would finally understand the bond he once shared before? Maybe then you would grow some sort of empathy? Finding proper and healthy ways to manage your emotion?
Or maybe you would end up like him?
The thing is, you're not as lovable as him, are you? Would anyone ever bend themselves backwards just to cater to your needs, the way you did for him?
And besides
You realize you don't want anyone but him.
Disgusting pervert.
Then maybe you should try and make this one last, unlike his relationship before that becomes foundered.