Chapter Text
He stared at the two lines in front of him. Two lines that indicated a positive result. It was very much not a covid test.
“Fuck.” Gintoki stared at the damn stick and wanted to throw it far away. It was impossible yet the growing number of male pregnancies were on the rise in Edo. He knew because Ketsuno Ana was covering it on the news.
Some kind of amanto creation that was supposedly used to help their dying race. Why they tested it out in Edo of all places was beyond him. With it being a success, the alien race was saved but now look at Gintoki.
His hands shook holding the pregnancy test. He wasn't even married and skipped all the way to pregnancy. He was starting to break out in a cold sweat, this couldn't be happening could it? Yet the stick in his hands was very real as were the two lines staring back at him.
The only person he could think of that could've helped to cause such a positive result was clear as day.
Gintoki wanted to punch the man in his perfectly stupid face. Yank his stupidly straight hair and kick his stupid ass.
“The all mighty Kagura needs to use the bathroom! So stop hogging it to yourself old man!”
“Geez! You have no patience!” He tucked the stick away and hurried out.
“Morning Gin-san!” Shinpachi greeted and Gintoki just grunted as he walked past the young man.
He left to go throttle a certain someone and maybe hope that the earth would swallow him up and spit him out.
“Damn Mayora.” He cursed as he was hit with a bout of nausea before throwing up in the alley next to the building.
“Another night of too much drinking?” The voice of none other than the man who did this to him was heard. Gintoki could smell the cigarette smoke and gagged. Holding his mouth shut with one hand he quickly plucked the cancer stick out of the other's mouth.
Hijikata just blinked in surprise as the silver haired man put it out and flung it into the trash. He was about to tell the other man off but pixelated vomit was again leaving his mouth as he bowed his head.
“Hey, are you okay?” Hijikata's eyebrows knit together with worry.
It was a minute before Gintoki could finally breathe. He wiped his quivering lips of any residual vomit with his sleeve. He felt like shit and it was all the tax thief's fault.
Should he tell him? What would he say? What would he do? Would he be mad?
“Yorozuya? Perm head? Are you still with me?” He snapped his fingers in front of Gintoki's face.
“Probably caught a parasite.” Which wasn't that farfetched.
“Do you need to go to the hospital?” He looked at him with such concern that Gintoki wanted to kiss his stupid face.
“I'm sure. Don't worry about it. Go do your job, tax thief."
Hijikata looked back at him one last time before finally going back to patrol the district.
Gintoki watched him leave and let out a sigh. He needed to do something. Anything fast.
Otose was the one who dragged him into her snack bar and gave him a stern look.
“What’s wrong with you?” She crossed her arms as she looked at him.
“Nothing.”
“It isn't nothing when you're just randomly throwing up in the alley next to the bar. I know for a fact it isn't from drinking.”
“I just caught the flu.” He grumbled.
“I've been listening to the news and they say male pregnancy has been on the rise.” She brought it up casually.
Gintoki was starting to grow paler. Sweating profusely at her words. He swallowed the lump in his throat and shakily answered her.
“Hahaha. Isn't that strange. What is this senile old lady implying?”
“I'm not senile and I'm not implying anything. I just stated what I saw on the news.” Her eyes narrowed at him. Laser focused and took on his reaction.
“EVERYONE OUT OF THE BAR!” She ordered and clasped a hand on Gintoki's shoulder before he could flee from the scene.
Once it was just the two of them she sat him down at a booth.
“Gintoki.”
“Old lady…”
She gave him a stern expression like a mother scolding her child for lying about something important. He crumbled under her gaze.
“I’m pregnant.” He admitted defeatedly. He produced the damn stick out of his yukata sleeve and showed Otose those dreaded pink lines.
Her eyebrows shot up and she looked more concerned than anything.
“So what's your plan and was it all consensual?”
“I don't know and yes it was. If it wasn't he'd be a eunuch right now." He stated as a matter of fact.
“So you know who the father is?”
“Yes. I just don't know how he's going to react. I don't know if I want to keep em. I already have to feed a Yato with an endless stomach and someone has to save Patsuan from going blind from eating so much dark matter. Not to mention a giant inugami.”
Otose looked unamused at Gintoki who voiced his woes.
“I'm going to get fat.” He groaned and let his head fall into his hands.
“Is that what you're hung up on?”
“It's true though. Gin-san's body will never be the same. Oi? How the fuck does male pregnancy work? Am I gonna shit it out?” He despaired.
“Stop worrying. It sounds like you want to keep it if you're already thinking about how it's going to come out.”
“No…maybe. I'm not fit to have kids, I'll curse them somehow with these permy locks.” He clutched said hair for emphasis.
“You should tell the father and go from there. Also the permy hair is part of your character. Wasn't it proven that your soul is permy?” She would be smoking right now but due to the idiot she considered a son's condition, she could not find solace in a cancer stick. “Although it would be a shame if they inherited that permy brain of yours.”
“Hey! It isn’t my fault! I must’ve inherited the perm from my nonexistent parents." He shot back. His mood suddenly dropped when he thought about Hijikata. “He'll flip out.”
“Maybe, maybe not. You'll never know if you don't tell him.”
Otose opened the bar back up after that and pat Gintoki on the shoulder.
He'd have to tell the bakufu dog when they crossed paths again. What even was their relationship?
Gintoki and Hijikata were on better terms. You could call them friends. They knew each other intimately, very intimately if the positive pregnancy test was anything to go by. And it wasn’t like they were really hiding it. But what were they? Just friends with benefits?
What would he tell the kids?
Kagura would probably be over the moon and name the kid something outrageous like Jugemu Jugemu Gokō-no Surikire Kaijarisuigyo-no Suigyōmatsu Unraimatsu Fūraimatsu Kuunerutokoro-ni Sumutokoro Yaburakōji-no Burakōji Paipopaipo Paipo-no Shūringan Shūringan-no Gūrindai Gūrindai-no Ponpokopī-no Ponpokonā-no Chōkyūmei-no Chōsuke. Taking notes from Kyuubei. Or name the kid something food related like Tamago or Unagi.
Shinpachi, ever the straight man, would probably lecture Gintoki for being reckless. But then he'd be excited too.
Overall they'd probably all support him. But being a former Joui and the Shiroyasha there was always the possibility of danger. The amount of fights he's been in and injuries he received were numerous and it wouldn't just end if he had a baby.
The Yorozuya and Shinsengumi always ended up getting themselves into trouble one way or another. Magnets of chaos.
He went down a rabbit hole after that. Thinking of possible scenarios. What if the Demon Vice-Chief, the father of his child, got killed? Shot while riding a horse or crashing a motorcycle? Or expired because of overwork? He'd leave Gintoki a single father. That's if he kept the baby and told the mayo fiend.
He didn't like the idea of losing someone he cared about forever. He already lost too many people.
Several more days had passed and the amount of vomit being flushed down the toilet also grew.
“Gin-chan. Are you okay?” Kagura asked through the bathroom door.
“I'm okay.” No sooner than he said that he heaved into the toilet.
“You don't sound okay. Did you drink spoiled strawberry milk…again?”
“That was one time! It wasn't my fault I didn't read the expiration date! Gin-san needed his sugar.” He shot back after throwing up again.
“Kagura-chan, I think we should leave him alone.” Shinpachi advised. “If he's not out of the bathroom soon we'll take him to the hospital.”
“I am perfectly okay!” He exclaimed coming out of the bathroom after flushing and vigorously washing his hands and face.
“Gin-san…you still have some…” Shinpachi pointed towards the corner of his lip. Gintoki quickly wiped it away.
“Perfectly okay! Here, go out and have fun. I need to run some errands.” He shoved several yen into the young man's hands. He heard Kagura's excitement as he left and walked aimlessly around the district.
He told himself that if he and Hijikata crossed paths that he'd tell him.
His stomach growled. Morning sickness was a pain. Gintoki didn't think he kept down more than a few meals once he found out.
His legs carried him towards his favorite restaurant. The one that sold the Hijikata Special and Gintoki Don.
There he was, the man he was trying to avoid. It looked like he was off duty wearing a dark blue yukata. He glanced up at Gintoki and nodded at him. He took a seat next to the policeman.
The restaurant owner's wife greeted Gintoki and asked what he wanted.
“The Gintoki Don…and the Hijikata Special…” He added after a second. She smiled and went to work preparing the food.
“You buying me lunch, Yorozuya?” Hijikata raised an eyebrow at the silver haired man.
“With the few yen I have? In your dreams tax thief.” He shot back while avoiding eye contact.
“Then why'd you order my usual?”
“For some reason I was craving dog food.” It was sadly true. The thought of eating that mayo monstrosity didn't have his stomach doing somersaults of disgust.
“Are you sure you aren't sick?” He leaned in close, pushing Gintoki’s bangs up to feel if his forehead was hot.
“Quit it, I'm not sick.” He swat Hijikata's hands away. His cheeks flushing.
“Sue me for caring.” He grumbled.
“Gin-san has no money to afford a lawyer.” He retorted.
“Are you still vomiting in alleyways?” Hijikata asked.
“I’ve upgraded from the alley to the toilet.”
“Hmm.” Hijikata hummed. They sat silently awaiting their meal.
“One Gintoki Don and two Hijikata Specials.” The elderly woman gave them their meals with a smile.
Gintoki took one look at the Hijikata special and downed the bowl like a starving man. Hijikata just stared at the man as if he'd grown a second head. The restaurant owners wife just looked on amusedly.
The perm head realized with quiet horror that this seemed to be one of the few foods he was able to keep down. Luckily he was able to eat his own bowl filled with azuki beans and keep them down. He ordered another Hijikata Special. If there were any doubts before, the clump of cells growing in him were definitely the bakufu dog's.
“I thought you hated, in your words, dog food?”
“Well Gin-san hasn't been keeping food down lately. It seems like dog food was the only way to go.”
Hijikata looked at him skeptically before he returned to his own meal. Gintoki ordered another bowl and they ate in silence. After consuming copious amounts of mayo he seemed to finally be full.
The vice chief ended up paying for both their meals and he dragged Gintoki out of the restaurant and towards a more quiet place.
In an alley that was away from any peeping eyes the off duty policeman rested his forehead against Gintoki's.
“You know that was very uncharacteristic of you. Eating the way you did.”
“I should say the same. You don't always pay for my meals, tax thief.”
“Well we haven't seen each other in a while…” The dark haired man leaned in closer, lips barely brushing against Gintoki's own.
“L-listen, I need to tell you something important.” He told Hijikata before things could get steamy.
“Ok. What is it?” He pulled away, focused on what the man had to say.
“You've been listening to the news right?”
“Yes.” He raised an eyebrow at the perm head.
“So you know about how the amanto achieved male pregnancy right? And Edo just happened to be the perfect place for them to test it out?”
“...” Hijikata looked like the gears in his head were turning. Gintoki looked away and mumbled.
“I'm pregnant. Congradolances, you're the father.”
“What?” Hijikata's eyes widened comically.
“I'm pregnant, genius. This is what we get for raw dogging it.”
“You're sure?”
“I peed on several different pregnancy tests and all came back positive. One of them even spit out confetti. The morning sickness or whatever you wanna call it is killing me.” He admitted tiredly. He took a deep breath before continuing. “And you're really the only one I've been sleeping with. The only one I let fill up my parfait glass with his disgusting mayo.” His cheeks started to heat up.
“What do you want to do?” Hijikata asked earnestly.
“You aren't mad at me? You're not gonna yell at me or flip out?” Gintoki asked, blinking rapidly at him just because he could and not to force his tears away. He’d blame it on hormones.
“I'm not. We're both grown men and I'll support you no matter what you decide.”
“Oi, don't pin this decision on me. You just had to release your load in my damn honey pot.” He rubbed at his eyes with the back of his hand.
“You begged me to.” He retorted with a smug expression. This earned the vice-chief a light smack on the shoulder.
“That's beside the point. What do you want? Isn’t this all weird to you?”
“Gintoki. The decision is yours. I promise whatever you choose to do I'll support you 100%.” His hands came up to grip the other's shoulders in a comforting way. Blue eyes meeting red. He gave a lopsided smile. “We've been through things weirder than male pregnancy, so we should be able to get through this together.” He assured the other.
Gintoki felt his throat close up. Why'd he have to sound so tender? Goody two shoes tax thief making him feel such things. He kinda wanted to jump the other man's bones.
What did he want to do? He looked at those blue eyes looking earnestly at him and thought about their potential child inheriting those eyes.
“Do you want to keep it?” Gintoki whispered.
“I want whatever you want. Whether it be having the baby or not I told you I would support you.”
“I'd still like your thoughts.” He mumbled.
“Honestly, I don't know.” Hijikata let out a sigh. “I think I'd be one of the few men in the Shinsengumi to have a kid and my job is dangerous. I've thought about it before but only briefly. I never thought it would be a possibility. I think it would be nice. But is anyone ever really ready to have a baby?”
“...”
“Again it's your choice. If anything, we can decide to have them in the future. Plan more carefully the next time. Together.”
Gintoki didn't know if Hijikata knew what he was implying. Have a kid in the future? So he was thinking about staying with Gintoki long enough to be a part of his future. Have kids with him. Together.
“I want to keep it.” He finally decided. He jolted a bit when the policeman pulled him into a hug. Arms holding Gintoki in a warm embrace. He returned it, holding onto Hijikata as if he'd drown without him. Burying his face into the side of his neck. Cheeks flushing with emotion.
Hijikata could feel the wet streak of tears. Dumb perm head. He wasn't going to abandon the poor man or get mad. If anything, getting the other man pregnant was his fault and the amanto's fault for making it possible. So he would take responsibility.
Gintoki pulled away, quickly wiping away the wetness from his eyes.
“Just so we’re clear, I'm not trying to baby trap you or anything. You don't have to be a part of the baby's life if you don't want to. I'm not forcing you to stay with me. Child support would be most appreciated but I don't want you to feel like you're being forced to. I can just be a single mother and take care of the baby.”
Hijikata pinched Gintoki's cheek, pulling it a little harder than necessary. The perm head's eyes watered because of the pain.
“Ouch, you're harassing a pregnant person.”
“Idiot. Who said I would be leaving you? I distinctly remember saying that I'd support you 100%. How many times do I have to say it before it goes through your thick permy skull? ” He finally let go of the other's cheek. He gave the man a kiss on the abused area to make it feel better.
“I'm taking responsibility.” He leaned forward to capture the other's lips with his own. Not giving any warning as his tongue hungrily mapped the inside of Gintoki’s mouth. It had been a while since they last saw each other and Hijikata couldn't help but miss the lazy man.
Gintoki's hands went up to grip the other's hair pulling him impossibly closer. The two touch starved idiots made out in the alley for who knows how long. Gintoki really missed him too.
Once they emerged they looked disheveled.
Silver locks were more out of place than usual and his inner shirt was zipped up all the way to hide all the bite marks that the bakufu dog left in his wake. A blush still hot on his cheeks. Hijikata's hair was mussed up, his clothes were a little askew. He looked smug.
He wanted a smoke real bad but held back as his companion was very much not in the condition to inhale second hand smoke.
“Are you gonna tell your fellow dogs?”
“The truth is going to come out anyway so might as well. Are you going to tell your kids?”
“I can't hide once I start showing anyway.”
Hijikata held his hand and squeezed it reassuringly.
“My day off still isn't over. Do you want to…” He trailed off. Gintoki squeezed his hand back.
“Come on Oogushi-kun we still have time to kill.” He grinned and together they walked hand in hand to the nearest love hotel.
They both left late into the night. Both of them were littered in scratches and bites. There wasn't really much talk of what they were to each other now but they knew for a fact that they'd be handling this pregnancy together.