Work Text:
Shane stared at his phone that was laying on the table. Since several minutes or maybe hours, new calls and messages flooded his inbox. Most of them were from Lily, but also his parents, Hayden and Jackie. Shane let each call go to voicemail. He had been sitting on the couch in his Montreal apartment in complete stillness for an indefinite amount of time. Too tired for tears and too stunned for despair. All of this because of a 15-second video.
He was never a fan of social media and to be honest, he only used it for career purpose and business, not his personal life, but when his Twitter was keeping him up all morning with too many notifications, he had to check what was going on.
Never in his life he would expect to see a video of himself on his knees. With a dick in his mouth.
The video was pretty good quality, capturing every detail. A droplet of saliva on Shane's chin, the tears forming in his eyes with each deeper push of his head, and his freckles covered in sweat. Ilya was, of course, the one behind the camera, but the phone belonged to Shane. He was the one who suggested to record. He was the one who owned the video. He was definitely not the one who posted it. The account that did was blank.
He wasn't breathing. He wasn't blinking. He was drifting on the edge of consciousness, unable to return. Fear was crushing him from everywhere, trying to force him to run away. To scream, to cry, to do anything, just do something! Fucking move!
The beating of his heart was so loud, that he wanted to cover his ears. He felt as if his body didn't belong to him. Every emotion was so strong, yet so distant. He couldn't tell if he felt emptiness or pain. If it have been minutes or days. If the loud thud was his heart or the knock at the door.
"Shane?! Shane, please open up, I know you're in there!" Whose voice was that? Was it his imagination or was someone really pounding on the door.
"Shane, baby, it's me Jackie, I'm here with Hayden, please open up, sweetheart," Jackie. Hayden. They're here? The lock clicked quietly before Shane had time to realize he had gotten up from the couch. The warm embrace of the petite woman broke down the walls and pulled him to the ground with a force that tore his heart apart. Shane burst into tears. All the strength left his body so suddenly that he almost fell down.
How could he have let that happen? How could he have been so stupid? He felt disgusting. The memory of his own eyes staring into the camera with such deep desire and submission made him want to vomit.
Jackie said something. She probably asked Hayden for help because a few moments later Shane was back on the couch. His vision was blurry, but he was more present. His phone lit up with another call from Lily. Neither of them reacted. Jackie was kneeling in front of him and saying something, but he was focused on the screen. Hayden was out of his sight, but Shane wasn't worried about that now. The call ended and Shane's lock screen appeared. It was 10 AM. Two hours had passed. He had been sitting there for two hours without being able to move. Two hours had passed and Illya was still calling. Still haven't gave up.
"Shane, breathe. Can you hear me? Slowly and deeply," the sounds came into shape in his ears.
Finally, he looked Jackie in the eye.
"Hi," she whispered, trying to smile despite being close to tears, "We're here, yeah? Everything's fine, you just have to breathe, you understand?" She spoke soothingly.
Shane listened, because who was he to argue with Jackie Pike?
After a few or maybe a dozen of breaths, the world finally stopped spinning and the tears stopped flowing. At that time, Hayden returned, throwing a warm blanket over Shane's shoulders and brought a cup of tea. Shane didn't even notice how cold he was.
"Better?" Jackie asked with concern, to which Shane nodded once.
"Everything okay?" Hayden cleared his throat, but before Shane could open his mouth, he answered himself, "Sorry, stupid question. Of course not, I just... Dude im so fucking sorry"
Shane was completely drained, so he didn't even try to form a sentence. His head was full of words and thoughts, but none of them wanted to leave his lips. He's just been outed to the whole world by a video of him sucking his "enemy". At least no one knew that it was Ilya on the other side of the camera.
"My parents," he croaked suddenly. What could they be possibly thinking? They must be worried. Or they're in the process of throwing his things out of their house in Ottawa.
"Do you want me to call your mom? I'll tell her that everything's fine, okay? Or do you want to talk to her yourself? Do you want them to come over?" Jackie asked, and even though Shane felt like she was treating him like a child, he found comfort in the tone of her voice.
"Can you do it?" he asked, trying to control his voice. He didn't want to break down again.
Jackie agreed and went to the kitchen, leaving Shane alone with Hayden. Pike leaned on the wall, watching Shane. When the initial wave of paralyzing fear passed, Shane felt a huge shame. How could he ever look Hayden in the eyes? Or his parents? How could he, after they had seen how disgusting he was? He stared at the cup with steaming hot tea.
"Do you know how this could have happened? I mean, how did the video got leaked" Hayden asked carefully as if he was afraid that his friend would come apart again. Shane shook his head, which made him relize how much it was starting to hurt.
"Maybe this um... this guy you were... um with, posted it"
"No, um i have the video. It was recorded on my phone," he said, feeling his cheeks and neck grow hot. He bit his lip, trying to stop it from trembling. This is really happening. How did it happen?
"Hey," Hayden stepped closer. "Hey, everything's gonna be fine, right?"
Shane suddenly felt annoyed.
"Fine?" He finally looked at Pike, "no Hayden! Nothing will be fine." He jumped to his feet "Don't you understand what happened? Everyone knows now! They know what a fucking... disgusting person I am! That something is wrong with me! With my brain! They'll kick me out of the team. They will, for sure. My Carrier is done! Im done Hayden!"
Hayden looked at him with wide eyes, clearly surprised by Shane's sudden outburst. However, he didn't have time to comment on it because Jackie came back to the living room.
"Your mom said she's already contacting her lawyer. She was furious. Not at you, of course. At whoever leaked it. She said that you should contact her whenever you're ready. She's worried." Shane felt a little bit of the fear disapear. His parents aren't mad or disgusted. They won't abandon him.
"Hey, Shane. You need to know that we're going to suppo-" the words were interrupted by the loud vibration of Shane's phone. It was a call from Lily. The three of them stared at the phone until the call passed.
Ilya. How could he forget. And what if he's angry? After all, he was on the video too. He nervously grabbed his phone and looked at the notifications.
Missed call Mom (20)
Missed call Dad (16)
Missed call Hayd (10)
Missed Call Lily (73)
73. Rozanov called him 73 times. He wrote 124 messages. What the fuck? Shane opened the inbox.
Lily 8AM
Hollander
Did you check Twitter today?
Shane.
I guess you did.
Please pick up.
I know you are awake.
He sent 124 messages in 30 minutes. Then just calls.
Jackie looked at the screen and then at his eyes. Shane could have sworn he saw understanding in her eyes, but he could have been wrong. When the phone buzzed again, she nodded slightly. He should answer it.
He held his thumb over the button for a moment, but finally he overcame himself and answered. He didn't say anything; he just listened to the other side of the line. Mostly some rumbling and breathing. Rozanov probably didn't realize that Shane had answered.
"Hollander?" He finally asked.
Shane could have cried at the sound of his voice. His tone was filled with worry
"Hi," he replied quietly, because that was all he could manage out at this moment.
"Shane, fuck, are you okey?"
"Yeah, i guess." he wrapped himself tighter in the blanket
"A terrible liar as always. You shouldn't be alone. You have someone to call before I get there?"
Shane felt warmth spreating inside of him. Ilya was really worried about him.
"I'm not alone. Hayden and Jackie are he- wait, what do you mean befour you get here?" He looked at his friends, who returned his confused gaze.
"I'll be in Montreal in an hour. I'd be there sooner, but the earlierst flight is tomorrow, so I'm driving. We talk at your place, yeah? It'll be fine, don't worry, ok?
Ilya is coming. He's really coming here. He's coming to Montreal in the middle of the season. For Shane.
"You'll be okey with them?"
"Yes, thank you. Really," he looked at the Pikes who were trying to give him some privacy by having a quiet conversation, but they could still hear him. Unfortunately, Shane didn't care much about that now. "I need you. Badly"
"I know, sweetheart. You'll get me soon." Shane closed his eyes and nodded, even though Ilya couldn't see him, and then the call was ended.
"Lily is coming here?" Hayden asked surpirsed and maybe a bit exited.
Shane nodded and let his thoughts drift for a moment. Was it worth hiding? They already knew that Shane was... was gay. Would one more secret hurt? Hayden would ask eventually. Since he preferred men, why had he dated "Lily" for so long? Ilya will for sure understand.
"Lily isn't exactly what you think she is," he said quietly, playing with the end of the blanket.
"She is he, right?" Jackie asked softly.
Shane felt his eyes fill with tears again. It was cruel. He was forced to explain all of this before he could even understand and accept it himself. His feelings were no longer his own. They were a juicy morsel in a world hungry for entertainment. From now on, he would be like an animal in a zoo. Some people will expect him to reveal every detail of himself. Expect him to want to share what he felt. And even if they don't get that, they will criticize him. Because now everyone knows. And not everyone would consider his feelings... appropriate. The NHL wasn't exactly friendly to people from the LGBTQ+ community, and he had just become the second out player. A symbol. Exposed to face the homophobia of this sport. Alone.
One nod was enough to let the tears flow. No longer as violent and brokem as before. These were tears of resignation and exhaustion. It was 10 AM, and he just wanted to bury himself in the bedding with the lights off and headphones in. Everything that day was too much.
"Oh Shane," Jackie leaned in, grasping his hands, "You know your sexuality doesn't change anything for us, right? We don't care who you love. If you feel happy, we'll never try to take that away from you. You deserve happiness and nobody has the right to say otherwise. It's going to be hard and I'm not going to lie and pretend that it won't, but we'll get through it. Together."
"If anyone has a problem with you, I'll take care of them," Hayden said, which Shane let out a soft chuckle.
"I'll keep that in mind. Thank you. Really." He smiled at both of them. "And im sorry." This time he looked at Hayden.
"Huh? For what?"
"For not preparing you better for who's about to be here," Shane tried to laugh.
"It can't be that bad. It's not like Boston Lily is Rozanov or something," he chuckled, and when he saw his friend's gaze, he quickly shut up "oh"
"Yeah. Oh."
Hayden opened and closed his mouth in shock for a moment. Shane couldn't blame him. He also felt that he was in for a long conversation but it seemed to bring him some relief. Hayden knows. He found out at maybe not the best moment, but he found out from Shane and not by accident. He doesn't yell or insult him, so it can't be that bad.
"I'll explain it to you later. Maybe. I know you deserve it, but you have to understand that I had to figure this out in my head first. Thank you for being here. You don't even know how much it means to me that you're supporting me, but I think I'd rather be alone now."
Hayden slowly let the air out of his nose, probably trying to grasp what had just happened, and nodded. Jackie got up from the couch and adjusted the blanket on Shane's shoulders. Sometimes he felt like another child of her's, and at that moment, he didn't mind.
"Call us if anything happens, okey?"
Shane agreed and a few moments later he was alone. This time his mind was not drowned in darkness. His friends pulled him out of the dark place, like he was a blind man on the middle of the highway, allowing him to analyze the situation with sober mind. He had just been outed in a rather brutal way, which affected not only his private life but also his image. Probably within a few hours he would get a call from someone from the League. They would want statements. An explanation. And he didn't have the strength for that today. He felt that a very exhausting time was waiting for him. The milk has spilled and Shane knew that he will cry over it more than once, but at least he won't be alone.
___
Shane's entire inner peace he had managed to achieve in that alone hour went to hell the moment Ilya crossed the threshold.
Shane got up from the couch as soon as he heard the door open. Of course, he had forgotten to lock the door behind the Pikes. Ilya was wearing loose pants that could have been pajamas and an old, worn t-shirt. He looked like he had just gotten up befour he drove here. And that was probably the case.
Shane's heart was pounding so hard it hurt.
They moved at the same time. Their bodies met in the middle, and Shane's eyes were flooded with tears once again. He grabbed Ily's shirt so tightly that his fingers began to ache, but the fear of letting go was even more painful. His legs gave out, and Rozanov let them slide on the floor in a controlled environment.
"Shh, it's okay. I'm here."
Shane felt so many conflicting emotions that he couldn't define whether he was crying from relief or pain. Ilya was here. Right next to him, and he probably won't move for good hours. He didn't even realize when Ilya had moved him so that he was straddling his knees. The feeling of strong arms around his body was heaven worth. Shane wanted to be crushed by them. He wanted to feel his head fall under the pressure. He gently tighten his own grip on the boy, hoping he will understanding.
Of course, he understood. Ilya started slowly squeezing Shane untill his breath became a but harsh. And Shane? He probably never felt better, which may be abstract considering the situation he was in. The weight of the muscular hands and the warmth of the skin in an inexplicable way turned down the volume of Shane's thoughts and gave him the chance to rest, which he couldn't achieve on his own. He sighed quietly and his head fell on Ilya's collarbone like a rag doll. The boy whispered something, but Shane perceived it as a quiet hum that drowned out his thoughts. He felt protected. He knew that if he let his guard down for a moment, someone else would be in control of his safety. With this thought, he allowed his eyes to close and fell asleep.
When Shane opened his eyes, he was back on the couch, but instead of the white blanket Hayden had brought him, he was wrapped in the blue one from his bedroom. Weighted. The lights were dimmed and the curtains were drawn. There were quiet noises from the kitchen. Shane looked at the clock. 12.30PM. He had slept for almost two hours.
In the kitchen, Ilya stood near the counter, bending over something. Shane, still half-awake, quietly approached the boy and curled up against his back, resting his cheek on his shoulder blade. Ilya shuddered slightly and looked over his shoulder.
"Hey"
Shane muttered quietly in response. He felt surprisingly good. He was warm, the apartment was quiet and the lights didn't overwhelm him. It was as if something was about to go wrong.
Oh right.
So it wasn't all a bad dream. The dream from which Ilya was supposed to wake him up. The harsh reality still existed and didn't allow him to enjoy Ilya's presence . Shane sighed deeply and gently tapped his forehead against Ilya's back. It’s time to pull himself together and face this shit.
"I made food," said Ilya, moving away from the counter, which forced Shane to pull away from him. A toast with butter was on the plate. Simple, perfect for this overstimulated day.The ginger ale can next to it looked tempting.
"I thought you wouldn't want anything else." Ilya finally turned to Shane, "Oh, you look like shit."
"You're right. I mean about the food, not my appearance. Thank you and fuck off"
A moment later, they were both sitting at the table, and neither of them wanted to adress the elephant in the room. Unfortunately, this topic couldn't be avoided forever. Shane took a moment to think, biting into the toast and then sipping the ginger ale
"I’m sorry"
"For what?" Ilya looked at him surprised.
"That I suggested to record. I'm not the only one on the video" he leaned back in his chair, looking at the burnt toast crust.
"Exuse me? Shane, can you hear yourself? You've just been publicly humiliated, exposted to criticizim, and outed without your promition. No one had the right to leak that video, no matter how they got it. And you're sorry? Sorry for what? Because my dick is on that video? I couldn't care less, моя любовь. No, when you're passing out from exhaustion. You cried so hard that you fell asleep for 2 hours, and you're sorry? This fucking motherfucker who leaked it should be sorry. No, fuck sorry. He should beg you for forgiveness. Beg you not to squish him like a bug in court. Because we'll sue. If we can't find out who it was, then I don't know, we'll sue the whole platform. I don't care. You'll get justice, and I won't rest until I'm sure you did."
Shane was stunned. He felt like a little child hiding behind the back of his loved one. And he felt so safe there. Although he is aware that the danger has not disappeared, he knows he is not alone. Since he was a child Shan was afraid that when he grows up and his parents will be no longer near, he would have no one to hide behind. He was so afraid of loneliness that he ended up in his parents' bed even at the age of 14. He did not want to be alone. And now, as a grown man after so many years of loneliness in the crowd, he got the opportunity to be small. Someone's back behind which he could hide. Someone's arms that would hold him in one piece. Someone's chest on which he could rest. Someone's heart that would beat calmly and grounding when his own heart would get lost in a fast rhythm of fear.
No matter how much he wanted to stop it, his eyes filled with tears again. This whole week has been so shitty that Shane could only dream of a moment like this. He felt so cared for that he couldn't help but cry. He probably never cried that much in one day.
Ilya slowly stood up, and as soon as he reached him, without getting up Shane hugged him around the stomach, sobbing quietly. Rozanov put his hand under Shane's shirt and began stroking his back.
"We're fine here, yeah?" He asked quietly, allowing Shane to let out his emotions.
Shane nodded trying not to get snot on Ilya's shirt.
"Yeah its just... this week was so fucking bad and i..." he chipcuped a breath "I needed you so bad and now you are here"
"Da, im here sweetheart. Im right here. So tell me about it. What happend this week to make you need me so bad hm?" Strocking Shane's back, Ilya reached out his other hand and began massaging his shoulder.
"It's just... I dont know i am so tired. Sleeping and eating was really hard so I started playing bad. Coach was pressuring me all the time and i couldnt be better even tho i really wanted to. My laptop got fucking stollen at the airport and then like a cherry on top, my mom wanted to get me a really good deal and i fucking snapped at her! For no reason!"
Shane spoke as if in a trance, blurting out the entire week at once. He was so consumed by his emotions that he didn't notice Ilya had frozen.
"Wait, wait, wait. Your laptop got stollen?" He asked.
"Yeah! When we flew back from an away game."
"No, Shane your macbook got stollen." Ilya said, emphasizing the laptop's brand. Did price really matter now?
When Illya saw that it wasn't clocking to Shane he said:
"iCloud Shane"
Shane opened his mouth. Oh my god. He was so fucking stupid.He had recently connected his laptop to his phone via iCloud. Why the fuck did he do that? Oh god, he is really dumb. It was his first time with Apple devices and definitely the last despite the fact that it was definitely not the brand's fault.
"Did you just combine the photos?"
"Uh yeah?" He thought for a moment. He was kind of shaken. Tears were still flowing from his eyes, but he tried to calm down"Yes"
"Think about whether you have anything else in the photos that shouldn't be leaked. When was it stolen?"
"Yesterday, and I don't think so. Just a bunch of family photos and stuff. Harmless, I think."
"How did they get to video. Don't you have a password or something?"
Shane's face lost all the colors and he looked down at his hands.
"You don't?!"
"No uh I do but... I don't think it's strong"
"What is it hollander" ilya sighed in defeat.
"It's 'Hollander24'"
Ilya opened and closed his mouth like a fish out of water, then rubbed his temples.
"Okay, now at least we know who to look for, right? The person who stole your laptop has leaked the video. We'll contact the police and then a lawyer. As soon as the police identify the person, we will file a lawsuit. If the league will make you problems, we will i dont know sue the league. You are the victim, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Even if your forms of protection were stupid and extremely irresponsible, that person still committed a crime."
"Um, my mom supposedly already called our lawyer, but we can't just throw around lawsuits like that."
"We can. I can. And I won't let it go. I won't let you down, okay? You deserved to come out on your own terms. And whoever took that away from you will face consequences or face me."
Shane shook his head, unable to believe that he had someone like Ilya. Even though they weren't a couple, he was willing to fight for Shane's justice. And that pretty much sums up Ilya as a person.
Shane rested his forehead on Ilya's abs and closed his eyes, thinking that maybe everything really will be alright.